Two drunk men walk on a railway

The first guy says: This stairs are neverending!
Other guy: Don't worry there's the elevator comming!

A blonde is walking beside a railway track.

A brunette passes her on the tracks skipping and singing "21, 21, 21..."
The blonde eagerly asks "May I join you?"
The brunette nods, and says, "You may, but only if you can REALLY concentrate."
"I can do that!" exclaims the blonde happily. And so, they both proceed to skip along the middle...

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A Boy was having sex with a girl on a Railway track

The train driver spots them and starts hooting but they ignore it.
He applies brakes so hard and the train stops just a few yards away from the couple. Driver jumps from the engine and walks to the boy who just finished and is standing up and zipping up his pants. The driver shouts out to the boy...

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The Girl on the Railway Tracks

A man walks into a bar with a rather smug grin plastered on his face. He sits down with his buddies and orders two rounds of drinks for them and the bartender, all at his expense. One of his mates asks “Why are you in such a good mood?”
“Well,” he replies, “I was on my way up here when I saw a g...

10 pins were crossing a railway track. Suddenly they saw a train approaching them. 9 pins were able to cross. But the 10th pin couldn't make it and the train went over it. But nothing happened to that pin. Why?

Because it was a safety pin!

A Latino gang member has received poor customer service at the railway station, so he vandalised one of the train engines in revenge.

It was a loco motive.

Why was the German afraid of the railway crossing?

There was a Freight Train.

Our National Railway company may be utter garbage and a disgraceful stain on the image of the country...

but at least if corona shuts it down, no one will notice the change in schedules.

Due to COVID-19, North Korea has shut down all of its air and railway routes across its borders with China, and is keeping all foreigners arriving in the country via China isolated for up to one month.

TIL People are trying to get into North Korea.

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Today I had the best outdoor sex ever

'Today I had the best outdoor sex ever with a girl, I fucked her in all positions. It was super exciting because it was directly next to a railway track'

My friend: 'awesome, did she also suck your cock?'

Me: 'No, I could not find her head'

What do you need to cause a railway accident in Mexico?

A loco-motive.

A man is in court

(Long but worth it)

Judge: "You are accused of beating your wife to death. If you want to expect any mercy, you'll have to give us a damn good reason."
Man: "She was so stupid, I just had to kill her."
Judge: "That is even worse. If you don't want to be declared guilty on the spot, you ...

I wanted to be an engineer for Canadian pacific railways...

But they said they couldn't train me.

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A guy goes to the pub, and says to his friend, "You won't believe what happened! I was taking a shortcut along the railway track, and I found a girl tied to the rails. I untied her, and we had sex over and over again, all the positions, everything!"

His friend replies, "That's great! Did you get a blowjob?"

"No, I never found the head."

What do you get if you cross a road with a railway?

A railway crossing.

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two homeless blondes

Two homeless blondes start to live in abandoned railway carriages. They tell each other how it feels like.
The fist one says: "I don't like the 'no smoking' sign, I have to smoke outside even when it's winter."
The second one says: "I don't like the 'use the toilet only when the train is m...

When the bass player from the red hot chili peppers was growing up...

he only saw his father at Christmas time, because his work digging the railways of Mexico kept him away from home most of the year. To deal with missing his father he wrote a song about him which his father loved and used to play to his fellow workers when he returned to Mexico. As a result the song...

Danny Devito Is A Senator

One day, in the Senate, a massive meeting is being conducted to discuss the plans for creating a massive railway system that would cut through protected environment areas. Everyone is trying their best to come up with plans to sidestep the reserves:

"Lets build over them!"

"No, that'll...

Two drunks were walking home along the railway tracks.

The first drunk says, "There's a hell of a lot of steps here."
The second drunk says, "I'll tell you what's worse, this hand rail is bloody low down"

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The Irish Railway Company

Correspondence between a customer and the Irish Railway Company.

Gentlemen,
I have been riding your trains daily for the last two years, and the service on your line seems to be getting worse every day. I am tired of standing in the aisle all the time on a 14-mile trip. I think the transpo...

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I took a shortcut via the railway line...

Guy 1: "I was walking home from work the other day, and decided to take a shortcut down by the railway line. To my surprise, I saw a woman tied to the tracks! I rushed over, quickly untied her, and we ended up having sex in every position you can think of."

Guy 2: "No way! Did you get a blowj...

When I was young, my mum used to put food on a spoon

When I was young, my mum used to put food on a spoon and say, "There's a train coming. There's a train coming." We'd always eat it because we knew that if we didn't she wouldn't untie us from the railway line.

At the train station...

Lady: Excuse me Sir, is this my train?

Conductor: No Ma'am, it belongs to the Railway Station Company.

Lady: Don't be funny. What I'm trying to ask is if I can take this train to Busan.

Conductor: No Ma'am, it's too heavy.

Two men were walking through the woods when they came across a big deep hole.

Two men were walking through the woods when they came across a big deep hole.

'Wow ... that looks deep,' says one. 'Let's toss a few pebbles in and see how deep it is.'
They threw in a few pebbles and waited, but there was no sound.

'Gee - that is a really deep hole. Let's throw one...

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A social misfit walks into his local bar

with a big grin on his face.


"What are you so happy about?" asks the barman.


"Well I’ll tell you," replies the ugly guy. "You know I live by the railway, well on my way home last night I noticed a young woman tied to the tracks, like in the movies.


I, of cou...

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Blowjob

I was walking along the railway and found a woman tied to the tracks. I freed her and she was so grateful that we made love for hours. She probably would have given me a blowjob if only I had found her head.

I was thinking of becoming a railway conductor...

Then I thought of all the training.

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The pessimist only sees darkness into the tunnel...

The optimist sees the light at the end of the tunnel

The realist sees a light approaching into the tunnel

The train driver sees 3 arseholes walking over the railway






EDDIT: u/mandrous's critic accepted!

A joke from my scout troop a while back.

Jim had always wanted to run a train. It was his dream since he was a child. His mind was set and no other career moved him the way a train had. He did well in school, and when he was accepted to the local Railway school, he was stoked.

4 years later, he had his first job of running the train...

5 Doctors and 5 Engineers are travelling by rail from Pune to Mumbai.

They gather at Pune Railway Station.

Both groups desperately try to prove their superiority.
...
SCENE 1 (PUNE-MUMBAI):
--------------------------------------
5 Engineers buy only 1 ticket, and 5 doctors buy 5 tickets. doctors are desperately waiting for TC to come

When TC ...

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Grateful Girl

A man goes into his usual bar and says to the bartender, "You'll never guess what happened to me last night!"


Bartender says, "What happened?"


"Well", says the man, "After I left here I was walking home on my usual route when I saw a girl tied to the railways tracks. I ran ...

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The final warning

Three desperately ill men met their doctor one day to discuss their options. One was an alcoholic, the second a chain-smoker and the third a homosexual sex addict.

Addressing all three of them, the doctor said: "if any of you indulge in your vices one more time, you will definitely die."
<...

Girl on the tracks

Greaser Bob swaggered up to his favourite bar, and called for a beer.

As the bartender reached for a fresh glass, he observed: “You look pleased with yourself, Greaser Bob. Did you win the lottery?”

Greaser Bob said: “On my way home from here last night, I had to cross the railway, ...

Reading between the lines can be quite dangerous

Especially if you are at a railway station

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Tom asked Dick

"Have you ever been in an railway accident?"

Dick replied, "Yes. Once when the train was going through the tunnel, I kissed the father instead of the daughter."

Remain Calm :)

An Emergency Call Centre worker has been fired in Toronto much to the dismay of her colleagues, who were unhappy with her dismissal.

It seems that a caller dialled 911 from a cell phone stating, "I am depressed and lying on a railway line so that when the train comes I can finally meet Alla...

worst day

A small man sits in a bar with his beer. Suddenly another, larger man comes into the bar walks up to the small one hits him on the shoulder grabs his beer and drinks it in one shot. The small one then starts to cry horrible. The other man who feels sorry for him now says: "Hey man, it's just a beer,...

Signalman

Gary wants a job as a signalman on the railways. He is told to meet the inspector at the signal box.

The inspector puts this question to him: "What would you do if you realized that two trains were heading for each other on the same track?"

Gary says, "I would switch the points for o...

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Two men are sat waiting for a bus in Wales.

The older one turns to the younger one and says "Do you see those old mines down there in the valley? Twenty years I spent down there, man and boy, quarrying the coal out of the rock. Without me none of the houses up there would have had coal for the winter. And do they call me Dewey the Coal Miner?...

The Flying Scotsman

Alex Salmond's colleagues decided it would be a worthy gesture to name a railway locomotive after him, so an official went to the National Railway Museum at York to investigate the possibilities.

"There are a number of locomotives at the NRM without names," a consultant told the official, but...

The famous joke from eastern europe. Depicting a stereotypic slooow estonian character.

An Estonian stands by a railway track.

Another Estonian passes by on a handcar, pushing the pump up and down.

The first one asks: “Is it a long way to Tallinn?”

“Not too long.”

He gets on the car and joins pushing the pump up and down.

After two hours of silent pum...

A German joke

An old man was travelling by train from his hometown of Offenburg to visit family in Frankfurt am Main. It was quite a journey for him, since he never got around much.

At one time the conductor walks by yelling "HEIDELBERG, GET OFF!" The man thinks, "That's my name!" and gets off the train ma...

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