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Train Station Jokes

*Teacher to Student* T: "Use the word 'centimeter' in a sentence"

S: ‟My grandma was arriving at the train station so i was centimeter”

T: ‟No, no, that‘s ‘Sent to meet her‘. Okay, try another one. Use ‘contagious‘ in a sentence please”

S: ‟I had to wait at the train station for hours because it took that contagious!”

I went to London the other day and was mugged in broad daylight at the train station.

Naturally I burst into tears, and then a policeman came up to me and said, “I’m fining you £10.”

“For crying out loud!” I exclaimed.

“Exactly,” he replied.

A woman opens up a stand near the train station selling apples for 1$

Each day, the same man walks over to the stand, leaves a $1, but doesnt take any apples. This went on for an entire year, until one day, the man left a dollar and was about to leave but the woman grabbed him by the hand. The man says: "I see you are finally interested why I keep leaving a dollar wit...

A bus station is where a bus stops, a train station is where a train stops. In my office I have a workstation.

What more can I say.

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A little boy in Canada is learning about the world...

He is curious about how things work, and one day he goes to his father and asks:

"Dad, if big dogs can have little dogs, how come big trains don't have little trains?"

Never unprepared his father says, "Go ask your mother."

The dutiful son finds his mother:

"Mom, if big d...

At the train station...

Lady: Excuse me Sir, is this my train?

Conductor: No Ma'am, it belongs to the Railway Station Company.

Lady: Don't be funny. What I'm trying to ask is if I can take this train to Busan.

Conductor: No Ma'am, it's too heavy.

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Two men are at a train station....

First man goes to the ticket counter and is flustered by the attendant's huge breasts. He stammers out "Uh..I'd like two pickets to Tittsburgh...I mean..Pittsburgh". Embarrassed, he pays and goes back to his friend and tells him "Man, I just had the worst Freudian slip...I asked for 'pickets to Titt...

To whoever lost an iPhone 14 Pro Max outside the train station yesterday

Can you please stop calling my new phone?

So there were 3 Mathematicians and 3 Engineers...

... and they were all traveling to the same conference. At the train station, the mathematicians each bought a train ticket, and the engineers only bought one to share between the three of them.

"What a bunch of idiots," the mathematicians said. "When the ticket master comes through, they'll ...

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Soon after 9/11, an Arab leaves behind a suitcase at a train station

Standing nearby is a blond-haired blue-eyed white man who immediately notices this. He walks up to the suitcase and the zipper's not completely closed, so he takes a peek inside.

He sees electronic gizmos, what looks like a timer, and a huge pile of cash. He grabs the suitcase and chases down...

What do you call a train station for cofee...

An expresso!

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Two salesmen walk into a train station

The old salesman sends the younger one up to get their tickets

Behind the counter is a stunning beauty with big tits and a beautiful smile

The young salesman stammers "I'd like two Pickets to Tittsbugh...I mean two tickets to Pittsburgh please"...she laughs, hands him the tickets and h...

Two morons are at the train station.

The first moron asks the clerk, "Can I take this train to Chicago?"

"No," the clerk responds.

The second moron asks the clerk, "Can I?"

Three men are standing at the train station.

They are talking to each other and they don’t even notice that the train already came and is now already moving. They all run towards the door, and two of them manage to jump on the train, but the third one stays on the platform. An observer comes to the man and says: “wow, your friends are fast!” T...

My friend told me that I don't understand the meaning of irony...

...which was ironic because we were at a train station

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A man lines up at a train station

A young man lines up at a train station to buy tickets for an upcoming business trip. In front of him in the line, there is a very attractive young lady with very large breasts. The man is so distracted by this that he accidentally says to the man behind the counter:

"One Picket to TitsBurg, ...

A businessman rushed into the train station just in time to catch the Brisbane to Rockhampton Express.

A businessman rushed into the train station just in time to catch the Brisbane to Rockhampton Express. On taking his seat he asked the conductor what time the train reached Gladstone.

 

"There's no stop in Gladstone on Wednesdays," replied the conductor.

"What!" Exclaim...

A Spanish madman recently bombed a train station...

Everybody's saying he had loco motives.

Three New Zealanders and three Australians are at a train station...

The Aussies notice that the Kiwis only bought 1 train ticket between the three of them.

"How exactly do you three plan on travelling with one ticket?" one asked.

"None of your business, mate" said one of the Kiwis.

Skeptical, the Aussies watched them as they boarded the train, t...

Two guys were waiting for the train at a busy train station...

bored by the wait, the first guy decides to have fun. He gazes across the distance and spots a lonely bald man and challenges his friend to go smack him on his head for twenty bucks.
The second guy accepts the challenge. He goes behind the bald guy and slaps the man behind his shiny bald head - ...

A security guard was working at a train station..

It was late and the train station was very quiet. Apart from him there was no one else in the station but one other security guard.

Half way through his shift a man came strolling into the station. Noticing the security guard he made his way over to him.

The security guard greeted the ...

Today when travelling to work there was an announcement at the train station.

The speakers above announced: "Sorry everyone, we are having a bus replacement service today."

I walked over to the ticket counter and gave the worker a can of beans.

He said "Why have you given me this?"

I replied "Well, sorry, but this is my money replacement service."

I saw a homeless man sleeping inside a big cardboard box outside the train station this morning...

Not wanting to disturb him, I crept over and put a Starbucks coffee cup on top of his box.

He immediately woke up and said, "Thank you."

"No problem." I smiled.

He looked at me again and said, "It's empty."

I said, "I know, it's a chimney."

A brunette picks up her blonde friend from the train station

She notices the side of her blonde friend is bleeding.

The brunette asks, "What happened to your head?"

The blonde responds, "Like there was nail sticking to the side of the train where I was sitting, everytime there was a bump or change, my head would hit against the nail to a point w...

Five friends, completely drunk, get to a train station...

... when the train arrives, four of them get in, but one is so wasted he stays behind.

A cop is watching the whole scene from a distance, can't resist, walks to the guy and says:

"So you're so drunk you couldn't even catch the train with your friends, huh?"

To what the man respo...

Everyone knew it was the Spanish train operator who was behind the dead bodies hidden at the train station.

He always had a locomotive.

Did you hear about the guy with a train station fetish?

He got off on the wrong stop.

What did the moisturiser say to his wife when greeting her at the train station?

Alo Vera!

A reporter goes to a distant town in Alaska.

First he goes by train and then he has to ride a dog sled for several hours to get there. Upon arriving, he asks the town mayor:

"Have you considered building a train station closer to the town?"

"We have," answers the mayor, "but we eventually decided that the train station should be ...

Today, at the train station, my mood ring was stolen...

but I'm not sure how I feel about it.

I See your 7 year old jokes and I raise my own, What do you get when you cross the ocean with a Train Station?

A Whale Way

Oon of Aspay

There was once a town named “Aspay.” This was a small town with a few local businesses, but the pride of the town was its train station. Now, I know a train station seems like a strange thing to take pride in, but this train station was special. For one, it was kept absolutely spotless. It always wa...

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Freudian Slip

Two men are sitting at a bar, both of them have a fresh black-eye.

First guy: (pointing at shiner) **So what happened to you?**

Second guy: **Freudian slip**

First guy: **What's that?**

Second guy: **That's when you accidentally say what you're thinking subconsciously, I ...

From a 30 year old memory of a joke someone's grandfather told.

Brad's first year away at university was a lot of partying and paying for his friend's. He quickly runs out of money. His father would not be pleased with his wastefulness, so Brad sends him a message stating he has a professor that can teach his father's dog how to read and write for a bargain pric...

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Billy was the first person in his small town to go to college.

After he’d been there a few weeks, he lost all his money at a fraternity card game. He thought about his options and had an idea.

His father had just written him to ask how things were going. Billy wrote back and said, “Dad, you won’t BELIEVE what they can do at this school! They can teach...

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The Swiss

Two Swiss guys decide to walk from their hotel from the train station.
30 minutes into the walk one of the guys turns around and stamps on a snail that was behind them, squishing it to death. ´What the fuck did you do that for!?´exclaimed his friend. To which his companion replied ´Well, that fu...

A joke from my scout troop a while back.

Jim had always wanted to run a train. It was his dream since he was a child. His mind was set and no other career moved him the way a train had. He did well in school, and when he was accepted to the local Railway school, he was stoked.

4 years later, he had his first job of running the train...

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A man approaches the ticket counter at a train station, and notices that he and the attendant have matching black eyes...

The man approaches the ticket counter, and says "Hey, look at that buddy, we've got matching shiners! How'd you get yours?"

The ticket attendant replies, "Oh man, it's the damndest thing... this beautiful woman came up to the counter just SPILLING out of her shirt. Instead of saying 'Here's ...

I was walking along the train station one day and I saw a man standing on the platform about to jump off

I ran over and said "Stop! don't do it!" "Why shouldn't I?" he said.

I said, "Well, there's so much to live for!" He said, "Like what?"

I said, "Well... are you Catholic or Orthodox?" He said, "Orthodox."

I said, "Me too! Are you Ukrainian Orthodox-Kyivan Patriarchate or Ukraini...

A man is sitting in a taxi in Newcastle on his way home to Sunderland. He realises he recognises the taxi driver- and with great enthusiasm mentions this. "I know you! You picked me and the missus up that time from the train station and took us to the airport! Remember?"...

The taxi driver, who sees hundreds of different people every day, smiles politely and replies "Maybe.", rather unconvincingly. A typical, though nevertheless unbearable awkwardness follows whereupon the driver says "Riddle me this...". The passenger sits up straight and prepares for thinking.
...

A man goes into a town he's never seen before

He finds someone to give him a tour, but as he's lead around the town, everything is so strange. Finally, the tour guide brings him to a big building. "This is the train station" he says. The man from out of town says "Finally something normal". But when he goes in there's just a bunch of drawers. H...

What did the monster say when he saw a full train during rush hour?

"Oh good! A chew, chew train!"

Credit to the attendant at Balaclava Train Station in Melbourne.

"Have a train-tastic Thursday night!"

A man in Bulgaria drives trains

A man in Bulgaria drives trains for a living. He made decent money, enough to support himself. One day, he got tired while conducting and fell asleep. The train ended up crashing and killing one person aboard.

He went to court and pleaded guilty. The judge ordered Death by Electrocution. Late...

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Two old lawyers who haven't seen each other in years finally get together to have some lunch.

"Life is good," one says, but lately I've noticed I've been getting pretty old. Like, I've been having a Freudian slip or two."

"How do you mean?" says the other.

"Well for instance, last week I was at the train station and I was headed to Pittsburgh. And when I walked up to the counte...

Two physicists and two mathematicians are invited to a conference at university

(You may think you’ve heard this before but I’ve got a twist on the ending)

The four guys meet up and find a train to the conference.

At the train station, the physicists buy two tickets each, but the mathematicians only buy one.

They board the train and begin talking, but when...

A train driver accidentally kills a man when he drives off the tracks

Since he killed a person, the court sentences him to death by electrocution chair. For his last meal, he requests a single banana. The prison guard thought it was odd, but gave him the banana, and the man ate it. The next day, the man is strapped onto the electrocution chair and the executioner swit...

Marriage problems

We were headed to dinner. We were waiting in the train station and I left to go to the bathroom and when I came back I must have gotten on the southbound train and she, thinking I was done, got on the northbound train. When she found out, she was furious! She said it’s things like this that drive us...

Lawyers and Engineers

Three lawyers and three engineers are at a train station on their way to a conference. The lawyers line up and buy three tickets, but the engineers only buy one ticket between the three of them. The lawyers are confused, and ask how the engineers plan on taking the train with only one ticket. The en...

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Johnny got a train set for christmas

Johnny got a train set for Christmas, his mom was in the kitchen and his dad was at work as Johnny played with his trains. He makes the train go around and around the track and stops at the train station and says

"All the assholes that want to get on, get on. All the assholes that want to ge...

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Slip of the tongue

Two guy friends were out at dinner and the one friend says to the other, “guess what happened to me at the train station today?”
“What” says his friend
“I was at the train station buying a ticket for my wife to go to Pittsburg and the lady at the desk was wearing a very low cut top, so I acc...

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A farmgirl returns home after her first year away at college...

Her father picks her up at the train station and starts driving back to the farm.

After a while the young lady turns to her father and says, "Daddy, I`ve got to tell you something - I ain`t a virgin no more."

Without taking his eyes off the road, the farmer replies,"Sugar-pie, to ...

One Ticket for Three

Three engineers and three lawyers were going to a convention. At the train station to the convention, one engineer said, "We can get on the train with only one ticket."

The other group laughed, but did not interject when the first group bought the ticket. When the conductor went around on the...

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Freudian slip.

So this guy says to his mate that he had a Freudian slip recently. The friend hasn't heard of this before and asks him what he means. So the first guy says: "well it's when you mean to say one thing but instead you say what's on your mind- it's better if I give you an example: The other day I was...

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Brilliant One-liners

The voices in my head may not be real, but they have some good ideas!

We have enough gun control. What we need is idiot control.

Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.

Women may not hit harder, but they hit lower.

I used to be indecisive....

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Freudian Slip

Two guys were talking when one said "Man, I was at the train station the other day and had a Freudian slip. It was so embarrassing. I wanted a ticket to Pittsburgh, but the woman had such big, nice breasts, I asked for a ticket to Titsburgh!"

The other guy replied, "That's nothing. This morni...

The language of Heaven

(Mind you, I got this joke from a Russian)

A policeman is walking around on patrol when he spots an older gentleman sitting on a bench outside Vladivostok train station. The man on the bench seems to be muttering intensely to himself. Curious, the policeman walks up to him and asks:

"G...

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Two men sit across from each other on a train...

...both with black eyes. Seeing the coincidence, one guy says to the other:
"Hey, I see we both got black eyes here, mind if I ask how you got yours?"
The other guy responds:
"Well, I was in the train station getting a ticket, and the teller was a gorgeous lady with huge knockers. I got flu...

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Freudian Slip

A guy is talking with his buddy and says I've been making alot of Freudian slips lately. The other day I was at the train station and there was a beautiful woman behind the ticket window with huge breasts. Instead of asking for a ticket to Pittsburgh I asked for a picket to Tittsburg.

Wow, sa...

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Unfortunate

This guy lives in Westchester, NY and goes to school at Ithaca College. For two years, he has wanted to ask a certain girl (who is also from Westchester and also goes to Ithaca) out on a date, but has never had the courage.

Finally, one day over the summer, he sees her at home and musters up...

There was an old Bolivian train driver...

who had been driving trains for nearly 25 years, maintaining a perfect record. One day, he is running a little behind and will be late to his next stop if he doesn't hurry. He calls into the train station and asks to speed up the train so he can make it in time. They tell him that he's hauling too m...

Why does voldemort have flat face?

He ran into wrong wall at train station

A man was traveling for

work, and he made his way to the airport. As he enters, a deep voice tells him "don't go! You will die". He turns around, but nobody is behind him. Spooked, he decided to go back home. As he arrives home, he sees in the news that the airplane he was supposed to board crashed and all passengers died....

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A businessman is convinced by a work colleague to go out for a drink after work... 'OK, but just the one mind you, my wife gets terribly upset if I come home drunk!'

After a couple in the pub near the office he is talked into heading up town for some more drinks. At each new round of drinks he mentions that he shouldn't drink any more or his wife will make his life hell!


Finally they decide that they've had enough to drink and head for the train stati...

A Dad finds out his Son has a new girlfriend...

He calls his Son upstairs to his bedroom and asks him to sit down.
The father says, in a very steady tone,

"Son, let me tell you a story.
There was once a dog who used to live at a train station. One day, the dog fell asleep by the railroad tracks and left his tail on one of the tracks...

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Two men are golfing. The first man asks his friend, "Have you ever been so nervous talking to a pretty woman, that you misspoke?"

His face turns read and he continues, "Because just last week, I was at the train station. I meant to ask the beautiful and large breasted ticket lady for 'two tickets to Pittsburgh', but accidentally I asked for 'two **dick**ets to **tits**burgh'. It was humiliating!"

The second man replied,...

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A lonely old farmer...

An old farmer had been single for awhile and finally decided that had been alone too long and ordered a mail order bride. A month passes and finally he goes and picks her up from the train station with his mule and wagon. They load up on the wagon and the mule doesn't budge. The farmer took a minute...

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Big Game Hunter goes to Siberia to hunt Russian Bear

When he arrives on the train station (probably the only one in Siberia) he is greeted by the village hunter/gatherer/provider who has a very mangy, tiny, old dog leashed with a massive iron chain.
\-"Right, I'll help you." says the native "Here's what we're going to need: A great big blow horn,...

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A class of high school art students are broken into groups...

...and tasked with making silly and creative paintings combining culture with food.

One group decides to paint an Indy race car made out of roti. Another group decides to paint a business suit necktie being grated into cheese. Another group paints Donkey Kong serving up a creepy bowl of banan...

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My go-to joke, thought I'd share.

A man and his friend are sitting at a bar, talking about embarrassing moments. The man says to his friend:

"Man, I messed up the other week. I was at the train station, trying to buy a ticket, and the ticket booth operator was this gorgeous woman, I'm talking 10/10 here. So I go up to her, an...

New wardrobe

There is a woman who is married to a trucker. They live in a house next to a train station. Because of his job he is gone for work quite a lot, sometimes even months on end.
Everytime when the trucker comes home he will bring his wife a piece of clothing.
Well after all these years the wardrob...

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