What do you call a locomotive on the first day of the job?

A trainee.

Have you heard of Mussolini's herbal locomotive fuel?

He made the trains run on thyme.

Why is it difficult to become a locomotive engineer?

Because it requires lots of training.

Why is Jesus less powerful than a locomotive?

Because Jesus could only walk on water but a locomotive runs on steam.

How did the locomotive become so outstanding in his field?

He trained hard.

Did you hear about the Mexican train bomber?

He had locomotives.

How do locomotives know where they're going?

Lots of training.

Did you hear about the locomotive that always did what it was told?

It was really well trained.

Superman: "I'm faster than a speeding bullet, and more powerful than a locomotive"

Batman: "I fight a penguin and a really persistent clown"

How do they educate locomotive drivers?

They train them

I'm pleased with it.

(Came up with this earlier today and told my 14 year old daughter. She was not impressed.)

I'm going to write a new movie script. It will be about a locomotive that breaks down and must, by pure manpower alone, be pulled back to the rail yard.
I'll call it "How To Drag Your Train In."

An American, a Mexican, and a Russian are riding a train

They decide to have a wager on who's the best burglar, the rules being the lights go down and the person steals as much as they can without getting caught in the amount of time the lights are down on their turn.

The Mexican goes first, the lights go down, and they come back on one minute late...

How do you say "Insanity defense" in Spanish?

Locomotive.

Everyone knew it was the Spanish train operator who was behind the dead bodies hidden at the train station.

He always had a locomotive.

I once knew a Colombian conductor.

He was arrested for the murder of a passenger and in his confession he said he did it because the passenger was wearing pink shoes. I never would have thought that he was capable of something like this, but I must admit he had a locomotive.

Why did the Spanish Psychopath only kill on trains?

Because he had a locomotive

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Railroad tracks, a horses ass... and rockets! [Long]

The US standard railroad gauge (the distance between two rails) is 4 feet 8.5 inches... an exceedingly odd number.


Why was that gauge used?

Because a number of the early railroad lines in the US were built to fit standard-gauge locomotives manufactured by English railroad pioneer G...

Military ranks

GENERAL:
Leaps tall buildings with a single bound, is more powerful than a locomotive, is faster than a speeding bullet, walks on water amid typhoons, gives policy to God.

COLONEL:
Leaps short buildings with a single bound, is more powerful than a switch engine, is just as fast as a spe...

The Flying Scotsman

Alex Salmond's colleagues decided it would be a worthy gesture to name a railway locomotive after him, so an official went to the National Railway Museum at York to investigate the possibilities.

"There are a number of locomotives at the NRM without names," a consultant told the official, but...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

The time my grandpa went to Africa

One day I was sitting with my grandpa watching TV. As it happened we were watching the Discovery channel when a show about Africa came on.


"Hmph, Africa... I've been there." My grandpa said.


"Really?" I asked, "I never knew you went to Africa grandpa, when was this?"

...

Did you hear about the hispanic that's been stealing all the trains?

I heard he has some loco motives. (Locomotives)

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A few I picked up...

JOKES!

A roman walks into a bar. He holds up two fingers and says "five drinks please"

What begins with a " C" ends with a "T" has a "U and a "N" in it, is hairy on the outside and wet in the middle.

Coconut

What do dentists call their X-rays?

Toothpicks

Dir...

Has anyone here heard of the Mexican train conductor who went crazy and ran over a bunch of people?

He had locomotives!

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