UPJOKE
turtlereptilecarapacepredatorsnailsea turtlegiant tortoisecrocodileiguanaherbivorygorillaaperhinoceroshippopotamuscreature

Tortoises Jokes

Three tortoises go on a picnic...

Three tortoises, Mick, Alan and Les, decide to go on a picnic. So Mick packs the picnic basket with beer and sandwiches. The trouble is the picnic site is ten miles away so it takes them ten days to get there.

When they get there Mick unpacks the food and beer. "Ok Les Give me the bottle open...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do paedophiles and tortoises have in common?

What do paedophiles and tortoises have in common?

They both want to get there before the hair

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Post Tortoise Politician

While stitching a cut on the hand of a 75 year old farmer, the doctor struck up a conversation with the old man.

Eventually the topic got around to politicians and their role as our leaders.




The old farmer said, " Well, as I see it, most politicians are 'Post Tortoises'....

The greatest ever song about tortoises was recorded 40 years ago this year...

... "Turtle Eclipse of the Heart".

The gun fight between the turtles and tortoises was barbaric!

Empty shells everywhere.

I went to the library to ask for a book on Tortoises.

The clerk asked, "Hardback?"
"Yes" I said "and leathery legs and a stumpy tail".

A lorry full of tortoises crashed into a trainload of terrapins,

What a turtle disaster.

Why don't tortoises wear scarves?

They have turtlenecks

A snail went to the police station

A snail went to the police station to report that he had been mugged

When he got to the front desk he said

“ excuse me officer but I have been mugged by 2 tortoises “”

The officer said

“ can you describe the incident “

The snail said

“ no officer sorry , ...

Me and my son we're at the zoo...

And he asked me " those turtles are doing piggy backs" I knew it was time to have The Talk. So I said " Son those are tortoises"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What's the difference...

What's the difference between:

* a bunch of tortoises all going the same direction

> And

* A big pile of shit in the middle of the sidewalk?

---

One's a herd of turtles, and the other is a hurdle of turds!

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.