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Hippo Jokes

What did the hippo say when another called it fat?

*"That's very hippocritical of you."*

What do you call a hippo that passes gas?

A Rippofartimus

what do you get when you cross a hippo and a bed?

a new bed

What do you do with an elephant with three balls?

Walk him and pitch to the hippo.

A lion gets bored of eating antelope...

So he decides to have bird for dinner. He dons a hippopotamus outfit and walks towards an eagle inside a group of hippos. As he gets closer, the bird spots him and flies away.

Undaunted, the lion puts on a zebra costume the next day, and walks towards the bird among a group of zebras. Once ag...

Meaty or Shower?

What is the difference between a hamburger and a shooting star?

While one is meaty...the other...is a little meteor.

What's the difference between a hippo and a zippo?

One is a heavy aquatic mammal...the other is a little lighter.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The king was looking for a prince to marry his only daughter.

Naturally the king was very picky and decided to devise a set of tests only the bravest, storngest and most feirce would even dare.

Princes from all around the world showed up and the tests begun.
After a growling month where more then half didn't even survive, a clear winner came forward...

What do you call a hippo who says something and does the complete opposite?

A hippocrite

I had a dream that I attended a college for hippos...

... I love the hippo campus.

What's the difference between a hippo and a zippo?

One's heavy and the other's a little lighter.

TIL, Hippos can run faster than humans on land and swimmer faster in water

But still you can defeat them in a triathlon as they don't know how to ride a bicycle

Humans are scared of hippos because they're violent and responsible for hundreds of deaths per year, when in reality, people kill way more people per year...

...so that’s just being hippocritical...

Why couldn't the zoo reveal the name and location of its newest animal?

HIPPO compliance

Hear about the professor who was famous for criticising hippopotami?

He was very hippo-critical.

A desperate zoo

The leading zoologist gets a phone call one day from a desperate zoo, asking him to come right away and they will pay double.

He gets to the zoo and talks to the head keeper who explains that unfortunately while they were moving the animals around it seems like one of the zebra’s has got preg...

A medieval king was hunting in Africa. He killed a lion, an elephant, and a hippopotamus, and awarded the skins to his three squires back home in his kingdom. Thus, the three squires became known as the Lion Squire, the Elephant Squire, and the Hippo Squire.

As the years passed, the Lion Squire and the Elephant Squire became very jealous of the Hippo Squire because they wanted the hippo skin too. So, they hatched a plan to assassinate the Hippo Squire and divide the hippo skin between them equally.

Now the Lion Squire had eight sons, and the Elep...

Why don't you ever see ninja hippos hiding in trees?

Because that's how good they are.

Tried translating a joke from Latvian.

John, a rural farmer, decided to visit the zoo in the capital with his family. He has a lot of fun, and comes back ecstatic. His neighbor
Tolya asks him what he saw there.

"Well, I saw a giraffe."

"What's a giraffe?"

"Well, you know horses?"

"Yeah."

"It's like ...

In other news

Inspired by Colin Mochrie's 6:00 News on Who's Line, I tried to come up with my own.

We now return you to your 6:00 news. I'm your host, Armand Dangerous. Earlier today, a man who lost a digit to his foot after a grievous skiing accident underwent a groundbreaking surgery where he requested t...

Everything you need to know about Australia

I REALLY hope these are true


These were posted on an Australian Tourism Website and the answers are the actual responses by the website officials, who obviously have a great sense of humour (not to mention a low tolerance threshold for stupid questions!)


\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\...

I don't like hippopotamuses.

I guess you could say I'm a hippo-crit.

What do you get when you mix a hippo, an elephant, and a rhinoceros?

Helephino

What is the status of a hippo that is mourning because of his recently passed wife?

In the Nile

The lion, king of the jungle, was very bored.

The lion, king of the jungle, was very bored. He gathered all the animals of his kingdom and said:

"Each one of you must tell a joke. The joke must be funny enough to make everybody else laugh. Otherwise, I'll kill the one who told the joke."

The monkey was the first animal who had to ...

What's the difference between a 'hippo' and a 'Zippo'?

One's really heavy, and the other's a little lighter. - [*Masai Graham*](https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-scotland-edinburgh-east-fife-34039927)

Sorry, I have to share this joke my little cousin said over thanksgiving break!

Him: “Hey what kind of dent do you get when you run into a Hippo?”

Me: “idk what”

Him: “A Hippo dent”

I’m not entirely sure if he knows how jokes work but hey he’s trying!

Fred is a hippo who goes to a University where everyone is a hippo

One day, someone asked Fred where to find the medical building. Fred replied, "Its over there and to the left. I do brain research in there."

Fred is an expert on the hippocampus.

An Aligator and a Monkey meet by the river. The monkey is smoking something.

Aligator: Hey, what have you got there?

Monkey: I've got some of that good stuff man, it's that OG kush everyone's been talking about, you'll take one puff and you're gone! I'm telling you!

Aligator: Nah, mate,that's bull, lemme try some tho.

Aligator pulls once, nothing. Twice....

What do you call a PETA member that shoots a hippopotamus in the head?

A hippo-crit.

A rabbit town hall meeting was held to discuss recent events...

A wolf had been coming to the meadow at night, and had killed and eaten a rabbit every night for the past week. They decided to put a watchrabbit on watch. When the wolf came, the watchrabbit would shout "wolf", and they would all hide. Naturally, they chose Roger, who the best eyesight.

Unfo...

What do you get if you cross Snoop Dogg with a hippo?

A smokesalottapotamus

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Animals see that the nearest volcano is going to blast.

They start to have sex with each other as they are going to die anyway. Elephant sees Hippo, jumps on her and starts fucking. Hippo says:

"We're about to die, why are you using a condom?"

"It's not a condom, it's Anaconda blowing"

A Native American Chief has three sons by three wives.

The first wife is lying on a bear hide and gives birth to a beautiful 5-pound son.

The second wife is lying on a deer hide and gives birth to a handsome 5-pound son.

The third wife is lying on a hippo hide and gives birth to a swarthy 10-pound son.

So, the son of the squaw of th...

A cat says meow, a dog says woof. What does a hippo say?

"Gimme your marbles!"

3 Hippos fall from a plane. 2 land on the beach and one lands in the water.

Ba-Dum Tsssh!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

"I just deleted all the German names off my phone."

***"It's Hans free"***

*Funniest joke at this years Fringe by Darren Walsh.*

**The rest of the top ten.**

2 -"Kim Kardashian is saddled with a huge arse ... but enough about Kanye West" - Stewart Francis

3 - "Surely every car is a people carrier?" - Adam Hess

4 - "...

Hating Pachyderms

If you say you hate all pachyderms, but you're actually cool with elephants and rhinos, your really just being hippo critical

a pretty bad joke my dad once told me

what do you get when you cross a elephant, rhino, and a hippo?


helliphino

What do you do if you wake up next to a large, mostly herbivorous, semiaquatic mammal?

It is, of course, a completely hippotetical situation.

Where do hippos go to learn?

The hippocampus.

What do you call a hippo that nobody knows?

A hippononymous

Hippo was a great motivational speaker. Hippo taught that you must never give up. Hippo didn’t follow his own advice.

Hippo Quit

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I still love that ''Hungry-Hungry Hippo'' Game.

What other game lets you slap something on the butt to open its mouth and swallow balls?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Plane crash survivor - in the jungle

A plane crashes in the middle of the jungle. Only one man survives. Members of a jungle tribe find the man and take him to their village. After a few weeks the survivor gets back on his feet only to realize that he is too far away to ever get back to a civilized part of the world. He starts to live ...

What do you call a Hippopotamus in a phone booth?

Stuck....

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The lion is throwing a jungle sex party and everyone's invited

Before the party starts the lion goes in front of everyone and says
"there is only one rule in this party. No condoms! You can fuck with everyone but you can't use any condoms no matter what."

So the party starts and as predicted everyone is having a great time.
The lion walks around t...

Did you know there is a Hungry Hippo that was a US Military Veteran?

Yeah! He fought in VietNOM-NOM-NOM-NOM-NOM

What do you call two hippos riding a bicycle?

Optimistic!



My friend had this on a joke calendar this morning. If anyone can, please explain this to us. Are we that dumb that we don't get it, or is it so obvious that we might be over thinking it?

I was really tempted to say mean things about an obese animal

But I decided not to because that would be hippo-critical.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Once there was a joke contest on the jungle

And every animal was invited to participate, the only objective was to make the turtle, King of the jungle, laugh. Whoever did that takes the throne but if the king didn't laugh, they got executed.

So first came the lion to take his throne and told the most elaborate and funny joke he could t...

I know a guy who writes reviews of hippopotamuses despite the fact he always told me he was against rating animals.

He’s a hippo-crit.

A man and his hippo walk into a bar

It's about 5pm, but they're ready for a good night of drinking. They start off slowly, watching TV, drinking beer, eating peanuts. As the night goes on they move to mixed drinks, and then shooters, one after the other. Finally, the bartender says: "Last call." So, the man says, "One more for me... a...

Got kicked out of Weight Watchers...

I dropped a bag of M&Ms.
Best damn game of Hungry Hungry Hippos I've ever played.

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