What did the hippo say when another called it fat?

*"That's very hippocritical of you."*

What’s the difference between a hippo and a zippo?

One is really heavy, the other is a little lighter.

What is the status of a hippo that is mourning because of his recently passed wife?

In the Nile

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A hippo comes to the doctor with a frog on his head.

Doctor: what can I help you with?
The frog replies: Doctor, something is on my butt.

What do you call a hippo that tells other hippos to not be aggressive?

A hippocrite.

Why do you never see hippos hiding in trees?

Because they're very good at it.

A medieval king was hunting in Africa. He killed a lion, an elephant, and a hippopotamus, and awarded the skins to his three squires back home in his kingdom. Thus, the three squires became known as the Lion Squire, the Elephant Squire, and the Hippo Squire.

As the years passed, the Lion Squire and the Elephant Squire became very jealous of the Hippo Squire because they wanted the hippo skin too. So, they hatched a plan to assassinate the Hippo Squire and divide the hippo skin between them equally.

Now the Lion Squire had eight sons, and the Elep...

What do you get when you mix a hippo, an elephant, and a rhinoceros?

Helephino

Because hippos are surprisingly dangerous, zoologists use the Pythagorean theorem to calculate the length of their backs.

This is called finding the hippotenuse.

Humans are scared of hippos because they're violent and responsible for hundreds of deaths per year

when in reality, people kill people way more per year... so that's just being hippocritical.

How to best a hippo

A Hippopotamus can outrun you on land, and swim faster than you in the water - so the bicycle is your only chance to beat him in a triathlon.

What do you call a hippo that passes gas?

A Rippofartimus

Hippo was a great motivational speaker. Hippo taught that you must never give up. Hippo didn’t follow his own advice.

Hippo Quit

I was at the hippo enclosure at the zoo one day...

I was at the hippo enclosure at the zoo one day when I saw a grossly obese woman and her equally fat husband. As they stood watching the animals, ice creams in hand, the wife was berating the husband.

"*Would ya look at this fat disgusting creature? It looks like you! If you'd stop feeding ...

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Why do hippos have sex in the water?

Try to wet a 200 kg pussy

What time is it when a hippo sits on your hat?

Time for a new hat.

Where do hippos go to college?

The hippocampus

Fred is a hippo who goes to a University where everyone is a hippo

One day, someone asked Fred where to find the medical building. Fred replied, "Its over there and to the left. I do brain research in there."

Fred is an expert on the hippocampus.

What's the difference between a 'hippo' and a 'Zippo'?

One's really heavy, and the other's a little lighter. - [*Masai Graham*](https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-scotland-edinburgh-east-fife-34039927)

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I still love that ''Hungry-Hungry Hippo'' Game.

What other game lets you slap something on the butt to open its mouth and swallow balls?

In other news

Inspired by Colin Mochrie's 6:00 News on Who's Line, I tried to come up with my own.

We now return you to your 6:00 news. I'm your host, Armand Dangerous. Earlier today, a man who lost a digit to his foot after a grievous skiing accident underwent a groundbreaking surgery where he requested t...

What do you get if you cross Snoop Dogg with a hippo?

A smokesalottapotamus

What do you call a hippo that nobody knows?

A hippononymous

I don't like hippopotamuses.

I guess you could say I'm a hippo-crit.

What is a hippo's favourite dessert?

Hippopota-mousse

A cat says meow, a dog says woof. What does a hippo say?

"Gimme your marbles!"

3 Hippos fall from a plane. 2 land on the beach and one lands in the water.

Ba-Dum Tsssh!

What do you call two hippos riding a bicycle?

Optimistic!



My friend had this on a joke calendar this morning. If anyone can, please explain this to us. Are we that dumb that we don't get it, or is it so obvious that we might be over thinking it?

Did you know there is a Hungry Hippo that was a US Military Veteran?

Yeah! He fought in VietNOM-NOM-NOM-NOM-NOM

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Animals see that the nearest volcano is going to blast.

They start to have sex with each other as they are going to die anyway. Elephant sees Hippo, jumps on her and starts fucking. Hippo says:

"We're about to die, why are you using a condom?"

"It's not a condom, it's Anaconda blowing"

Hippos are one of the most aggressive animals in all of Africa. What do you call it when a hippo kills something in one bite?

A hippo-crit.

A Hippo wants to join the local hippo gang

While speaking with the gang leader he's told in order to join the gang he must have respect for his brothers and impeccable manners.
He nods his head and let's the leader know he was raised in a noble, high class family. These things came easy to him.

The hippo struts out of the leaders r...

A man comes to a circus and offers to do a show: a crocodile playing piano and a hippo singing.

The show has a tremendous success and earns a load of money for the circus, so the circus owner asks the man: “Tell me there’s a trick in your show; it can’t be that the crocodile plays piano and the hippo sings for real!”

The man answers: “You’ve got me here, of course it can’t be for real. ...

There once was hippo child prodigy.

Just by hanging around tourists, he learned to talk, and soon thereafter to read.

Eventually, he started attending a nearby primary school for humans and he turned out to be very very smart indeed, even by human standards. Typing, thanks to his symbiotic oxpecker buddy, made him a prolific au...

A man asks his friend what the difference is between a mailbox and a hippo's backside.

The friend immediately replies "I don't know."

"Well then I'd be happy to help you mail your letters."

People want to help hippos and conserve them, while others dislike hippos for attacking humans.

Why are people so hippo-critical?

What do you get when you cross a hippo with a monstrous slime?

...

A hippopotamorphous blob!

A man and his hippo walk into a bar

It's about 5pm, but they're ready for a good night of drinking. They start off slowly, watching TV, drinking beer, eating peanuts. As the night goes on they move to mixed drinks, and then shooters, one after the other. Finally, the bartender says: "Last call." So, the man says, "One more for me... a...

An Aligator and a Monkey meet by the river. The monkey is smoking something.

Aligator: Hey, what have you got there?

Monkey: I've got some of that good stuff man, it's that OG kush everyone's been talking about, you'll take one puff and you're gone! I'm telling you!

Aligator: Nah, mate,that's bull, lemme try some tho.

Aligator pulls once, nothing. Twice....

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