My uncle died from a turtle stampede

It was a slow death

One of my best teachers in high school was a turtle.

I remember everything he tortoise.

What do you call two turtles f@#$ing?

A slow poke.

I went to Borders and asked the blonde for a book about turtles

She said 'hardback?'

So I replied, 'yeah, with 4 legs and little heads'

What do you get when you cross a turtle and a porcupine?

A Slow-poke!

What happens when you try to crossbreed a turtle and a dragon?

You get a crushed turtle.

Where do turtles get gas

The shell station

My favourite teacher at school was Mrs. Turtle.

Strange name but she tortoise well.

A man walks into a bar with his dog and sees another man sitting with his turtle

The man with the turtle is sitting with piles of cash in front of him.

The man with the dog is curious so he asks, "What's the deal with all the cash?"

The man with the turtle responds, "Well this here turtle is the fastest pet in the state. Ain't nobody else's pet faster than my turt...

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A man is sitting on the bank of a river with a turtle

And an officer from the fisheries board approached him. The officer says to the man "do you know it's illegal to poach turtles out of this river - they're an endangered species"?

The man says to the officer, "no this is my pet turtle. I bring
him down here everyday and let him go for a sw...

A turtle is crossing the road

when he's mugged by two snails.



When the police show up, they ask him what happened.

The shaken turtle replies: "I don't know. It all happened so fast"

I spent the whole day trying to carve the Ninja Turtles out of wood

But just ended up with a load of Splinters.

Why did the turtle cross the road?

We don’t know yet, he’s still crossing...

A snail was walking down the road when he spots these three heavily built, thuggish turtles following him...

He got scared and quickened his pace, made a few left and right turns to lose them. After 3 hours, quivering and shaking, he looked back and to his dismay they were still following him, and worse they were getting closer.

He was now running for his life as fast as he could, terrified and swea...

How do you get a turtle across the freeway

Two friends were talking and one asks the other, “how do you get a turtle across a freeway?”

The friend looked confused and asked how

The other one says, “here’s a hint, take the f out of free and f out of way.”

Once again confused the friend says, “there’s no f in way.”

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Anyone ever masturbated to a turtle race?

I got off to a slow start.

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My biggest dream is to get a snapping turtle

And naming it Blowjob

Why can't a turtle stand up?

Because of a reptile dysfunction.

When I was a little kid I had a pet turtle. Tiny little turtle, kept him in an aquarium. When i went to camp, the turtle died. When i got home, my dad lied to me. He said, "your turtle is live and well, it just went to go live with your mother." And i believed that til i was digging in the backyard

...found my mom's body.

Smh worst day of my life,
I loved that turtle

Why couldn’t the turtle get his neck out of his shell?

Reptile Dysfunction

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What do prostitutes and turtles have in common?

They’re both fucked when they’re on their backs.

Why do the Ninja Turtles attack Shredder 4 on 1?

Because their master is a rat.

What berry are the turtles allergic to?

Strawberry

Why do the ninja turtles make terrible office mates?

They always destroy the shredder.

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A Green Beret walks into a Marine bar carrying a large snapping turtle under his arm...

All of the Marines go quiet.

The Green Beret sets the snapping turtle on the bar, pulls out his dick and taunts the turtle with it until it latches on.

He lifts the turtle off the bar with his dick, swings it around in a circle, spins it around, slams it back on to the bar and ...

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What do Sea Turtles and Kim Kardashians Ass have in common?

They're both filled with Plastic.

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What's the difference...

What's the difference between:

* a bunch of tortoises all going the same direction

> And

* A big pile of shit in the middle of the sidewalk?

---

One's a herd of turtles, and the other is a hurdle of turds!

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What do you get when you mix a turtle and female genitalia?

A clitortise

What type of jokes do turtles like?

Shell-arious ones.

(My sister came up with this one, cut her some slack, she's seven)

What do you call a turtle that's only awake at night?

A noc-turtle

I went to a fancy dress party carrying my girlfriend on my back, someone asked "What are you supposed to be?" I answered "A turtle" "Why?" they asked...

"That's Michelle" I said

I went to the local bookstore the other day

I asked the lady behind the counter if she had any books on turtles.
She asks "hard back?"
And I'm like "yeah and little heads!"

I wonder what turtle tastes like?

It tastes like plastic.

A guy and his girlfriend go to a Halloween party and neither of them are wearing costumes

The guy is carrying his gf on his back, piggyback-style, when the host approaches them.

He says "Hey, great to see you and all, but you know this is a Halloween party. Where are your costumes?"

The guy says "We have costumes. I'm a turtle and this is Michelle."

Where do you find a turtle with no legs?

Wherever you left him.

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Three turtles decide to go on a picnic

Three turtles, Joe, Steve, and Poncho, decide to go on a picnic. Joe packs the picnic basket with cookies, bottled sodas, and sandwiches. The trouble is, the picnic site is 10 miles away, so the turtles take 10 whole days to get there.
By the time they do arrive, everyone's whipped and hungry. ...

Do you think turtles live longer than humans because...

they live a shell-tered life?

There are two turtles in a tank...

one says to the other, "how do you drive this thing?"

What does the detective turtle on top of another turtle sais?

I'm on a hard case.

A kid walk into a library and asks the librarian for a book on turtles.

Librarian replies, "Hard back?"

The kid, Yea, with little heads.

What do you call a Turtle that does yoga?

Wakka Wakka U?

Where do homeless turtles go?

To the Shellter :)

A man goes to a costume party with nothing but a naked woman on his back.

"What are you supposed to be, then?" The host asks.


"I'm a turtle" said the man.


"How can you be a turtle when all you've got is that naked woman on your back?" Replies the host.


"Oh her?" He smiles. "That's just Michelle."

A duck tries to walk into a bar...

...but he is stopped by the bouncer. "One dollar cover," says the bouncer. The duck has a bill, so he waddles right in.

Five minutes later, a turtle tries to walk into the bar. "One dollar cover," says the bouncer. The turtle has a greenback, so he walks right in.

Five minutes after th...

Courtesy of my five year old son... What do you get when a turtle and porcupine have a baby?

A slow poke!

Once there were three turtles.

One day they decided to go on a picnic. When they got there, they realized they had forgotten the soda. The youngest turtle said he would go home and get it if they wouldn't eat the sandwiches until he got back. A week went by, then a month, finally a year, when the two turtles said,"oh, come on, le...

I was walking up town and saw two turtles get in a fight.

Someone called the cops, and when they showed up they asked the turtles what happened... The turtles said it all happend too fast.

I just went into my local bookstore and asked if they had any books on turtles...

“Hardback?”, asked the clerk.



“Yes, with cute little legs.” I said.

What kind of phones do turtles use

Shell-ular phones.

The Ninja Turtles went to a store to buy new weapons. Everyone got what they needed except for Raphael

They didn't have his sai's.

Some people say that the earth is on a turtles back.

Can you imagine if it was on a pterodactyls back?
it would be a Terradactyl.
(edit: Grammar)

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I love how the ninja turtles wear masks

Great way to hide your identity, it's not like you're a giant fucking turtle or something

I guy finds a little turtle but he isn't sure how to look after it.

So he goes to the library and asks the librarian for a book on turtles.
She asks "Hardback?"
"Yes," he replies, "with a little head and beady eyes."

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Post turtles.

An old farmer was getting his hand stitched up after an accident at his cattle farm.

He and the doctor start into conversation, which leads into politics.

The old farmer explained, "Well, as I see it, most politicians are 'Post Turtles'."

Not being familiar with the term, the do...

What do you call a blind sea turtle?

A can’t see turtle

A man walks into a bar with a small turtle in his hand.

The turtle has one black eye, two of its legs are twisted horrifically and it's shell is duct taped together.

The bartender, about to tie his German Shepard to the counter, asks the man, "Is your turtle OK?,"

"Better than that," the man responds, "This turtle is incredibly fast. In fa...

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A Turtle, a Grasshopper, and a Centipede are Drinking Beers

A turtle, a grasshopper, and a centipede are all sitting together drinking beers. They run out of beers, and the grasshopper says, "alright who's going to go buy some more some more?"

The turtle says, "I'd go, but it'll take me forever."

The grasshopper says, "I'd go but by the time I ...

What does a turtle and a pedophile have in common?

They both want to get there before the hare does.

After a 10 day journey, the turtle family finally arrives to the picnic location...

Upon arrival, mama turtle realizes they forgot the ketchup.

“Junior, please go back and fetch the ketchup”

“No way! You’ll start without me”

“Don’t worry, we’ll wait for you”

“I don’t believe you”

“We promise not to start without you”

Reluctantly, Junior lea...

Did you hear about the bomb that went off in the Newcastle terrarium?

It was turtle annihilation

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I‘m not an animal rights activist or something...

But i think it‘s kinda fucked up that they make sweaters out of turtles necks.

What do you call a turtle that surfs the dark web?

A TORtoise

What did the snail say on the turtle’s back?

Weeeeeeeeeeee!

How do you call it when a turtle doesn't do what he's supposed to do?

Uh, reptile dysfunction.

I used to have a teacher called Miss Turtle,

funny looking woman but she tortoise well

A turtle walks into a restaurant and orders a soup.

"Sorry," says the waiter, "we don't serve a turtle soup here."

So a turtle gets mugged by two snails on his way home

When the police finally show up they ask the turtle,

"Mr. Turtle, tell us everything!"

The turtle responds with fear still in his eyes,

"I can't officer, it all happened so fast!"

How many turtles does it take to screw in a light bulb

At least 2 but the trick is getting them in there in the first place

I was told to stop eating fast food

so I ate a turtle

I got attacked and mugged by a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle

I got Attacked and mugged by a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle.

Ironically, he wasn't wearing a mask, so I couldn't Idenitfy him.

Three turtles

Three turtles decided to have a cup of coffee.
Just as they got into the cafe, it started to rain.
The biggest turtle said to the smallest one, "Go home and get the umbrella "
The little turtle replied " I'll, if you don't drink my coffee ".
"We won't " the other two promised.
Two ...

What did the snail say after he climbed onto the turtle's back?

"WEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE"

courtesy of my dad who tells this joke to everyone he meets

What do you call a ninja turtle with an addiction to pastries?

Donutello

A multi part joke my dad used to tell.

Why did the turtle cross the road ?
To get to the Shell station.

Why did the turtle go to the Shell station?
He needed Turtle Wax.

Why did the turtle need Turtle Wax?
He wanted to camouflage his shell.

Why did the turtle want to camouflage his shell?
He wanted to hi...

A man and his pet greyhound walk into a bar

While he’s sipping on his drink he notices a man with his pet turtle. Now this turtle did not look healthy, it had a large crack down its shell and bandages all over it. So, asked the bartender,
“What’s up with that turtle”
the bartender answered,
“That’s the fastest turtle in the world...

Did you hear the news? Turtle crime is on the rise...

It's true. Just last night a group of turtles snuck up and mugged a snail in the park. A team of detectives interviewed the snail for details on the event. They asked, "So what happened?" The snail answered, "I don't know, it all just happened so fast."

Why do turtles live so long?

In the race of life, they're dead last

The comments about Mitch McConnell looking like a turtle without a shell are particularly apt...

since he's clearly missing his spine.

A Priest, a Rabbi, a Nun, two gorillas, a leopard, a horse, two turtles, and a dragonfly walk into a bar.

Bartender yells, “What is this, some sort of joke?”

animals are telling each other jokes

Animals are telling each other jokes. They have a rule that if someone tells a joke and everyone will not laugh, they will kill the one who was telling the joke.
First, the Bear tells a very good joke, everyone laughs except the Turtle, so they kill the Bear.
Then, the Fox tells a good jok...

Turtles are very efficient animals...

they come pre-packaged!

A woman walks into a costume party, dressed as a turtle.

As part of the costume, another woman was painted green ND attached to her back.

At the party, someone asked the woman "Who's that on you're back?"
To which they responded "That's Michelle".

What kind of photos do turtles take?

Shellfies

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