My uncle died from a turtle stampede

It was a slow death

My favourite teacher at school was Mrs Turtle.

Strange name but she tortoise well.

One of my best teachers in high school was a turtle.

I remember everything he tortoise.

A man walks into a bar with his dog and sees another man sitting with his turtle

The man with the turtle is sitting with piles of cash in front of him.

The man with the dog is curious so he asks, "What's the deal with all the cash?"

The man with the turtle responds, "Well this here turtle is the fastest pet in the state. Ain't nobody else's pet faster than my turt...

Why do the Ninja Turtles attack Shredder 4 on 1?

Because their master is a rat.

When I was a little kid I had a pet turtle. Tiny little turtle, kept him in an aquarium. When i went to camp, the turtle died. When i got home, my dad lied to me. He said, "your turtle is live and well, it just went to go live with your mother." And i believed that til i was digging in the backyard

...found my mom's body.

Smh worst day of my life,
I loved that turtle

Why couldn’t the turtle get his neck out of his shell?

Reptile Dysfunction

I went into a book store today and asked if they had any books about turtles.

The cashier said : “hardback?”

I said: “yeah and little heads”

What berry are the turtles allergic to?

Strawberry

What's the cross between a turtle and a gas station?

Shell

;)

Why can't a turtle stand up?

Because of a reptile dysfunction.

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A man is sitting on the bank of a river with a turtle

And an officer from the fisheries board approached him. The officer says to the man "do you know it's illegal to poach turtles out of this river - they're an endangered species"?

The man says to the officer, "no this is my pet turtle. I bring
him down here everyday and let him go for a sw...

A snail was mugged by two turtles.

When the police asked him what happened, he said, “I don’t know. It all happened so fast.”

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What do Sea Turtles and Kim Kardashians Ass have in common?

They're both filled with Plastic.

I asked the librarian if she had any books on turtles..

"Hard back?" she inquired..

"Yes..." I replied. "And little heads"

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A Green Beret walks into a Marine bar carrying a large snapping turtle under his arm...

All of the Marines go quiet.

The Green Beret sets the snapping turtle on the bar, pulls out his dick and taunts the turtle with it until it latches on.

He lifts the turtle off the bar with his dick, swings it around in a circle, spins it around, slams it back on to the bar and ...

What do you call a turtle that's only awake at night?

A noc-turtle

Why do the ninja turtles make terrible office mates?

They always destroy the shredder.

Defective Turtle

A little boy walks into a pet store carrying a turtle. He goes up to the guy at the counter and says "Meester... I bought this turtle here yesterday but he's defective". The man looks down at the kid and asks "Defective? What's the matter with him?". The boy responds, "He's got bleesters on he's fee...

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What do you get when you mix a turtle and female genitalia?

A clitortise

I went to a fancy dress party carrying my girlfriend on my back, someone asked "What are you supposed to be?" I answered "A turtle" "Why?" they asked...

"That's Michelle" I said

A duck tries to walk into a bar...

...but he is stopped by the bouncer. "One dollar cover," says the bouncer. The duck has a bill, so he waddles right in.

Five minutes later, a turtle tries to walk into the bar. "One dollar cover," says the bouncer. The turtle has a greenback, so he walks right in.

Five minutes after th...

What type of jokes do turtles like?

Shell-arious ones.

(My sister came up with this one, cut her some slack, she's seven)

A man goes to a costume party with nothing but a naked woman on his back.

"What are you supposed to be, then?" The host asks.


"I'm a turtle" said the man.


"How can you be a turtle when all you've got is that naked woman on your back?" Replies the host.


"Oh her?" He smiles. "That's just Michelle."

A turtle and the snails

A turtle is crossing the road when he’s mugged by two snails. When the police show up, they ask him what happened. The shaken turtle replies, “I don’t know. It all happened so fast.”

Do you think turtles live longer than humans because...

they live a shell-tered life?

A kid walk into a library and asks the librarian for a book on turtles.

Librarian replies, "Hard back?"

The kid, Yea, with little heads.

What did the seal say to the sea turtle?

Can you please scute?

I wonder what turtle tastes like?

It tastes like plastic.

Where do homeless turtles go?

To the Shellter :)

Where do you find a turtle with no legs?

Wherever you left him.

Post turtle

An old rancher is talking about politics with a young man from the city. He compares a politician to a "post turtle". The young man doesn't understand and asks him what a post turtle is.

The old man says, "When you're driving down a country road and you see a fence post with a turtle balanced...

What does the detective turtle on top of another turtle sais?

I'm on a hard case.

I was walking up town and saw two turtles get in a fight.

Someone called the cops, and when they showed up they asked the turtles what happened... The turtles said it all happend too fast.

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Three turtles decide to go on a picnic

Three turtles, Joe, Steve, and Poncho, decide to go on a picnic. Joe packs the picnic basket with cookies, bottled sodas, and sandwiches. The trouble is, the picnic site is 10 miles away, so the turtles take 10 whole days to get there.
By the time they do arrive, everyone's whipped and hungry. ...

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I‘m not an animal rights activist or something...

But i think it‘s kinda fucked up that they make sweaters out of turtles necks.

Who is the sweetest ninja turtle?

It's Donut-ello

There are two turtles in a tank...

one says to the other, "how do you drive this thing?"

What do you call a Turtle that does yoga?

Wakka Wakka U?

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How do turtles have sex?

Slow poke

Once there were three turtles.

One day they decided to go on a picnic. When they got there, they realized they had forgotten the soda. The youngest turtle said he would go home and get it if they wouldn't eat the sandwiches until he got back. A week went by, then a month, finally a year, when the two turtles said,"oh, come on, le...

WHAT Does a snail say riding a turtle

Weeee

I was told to stop eating fast food

so I ate a turtle

The Ninja Turtles went to a store to buy new weapons. Everyone got what they needed except for Raphael

They didn't have his sai's.

A Turtle,Hippo, and Zebra are told to tell a joke to a Lion....

The Lion tells the three animals if he doesnt laugh at their jokes then he will kill them

The Turtle steps up and tells his joke, the Lion doesn't laugh, so he kills the Turtle

The Hippo, nervous, steps up and tells his joke, the Lion doesn't laugh, so he kills the Hippo

The Zeb...

Some people say that the earth is on a turtles back.

Can you imagine if it was on a pterodactyls back?
it would be a Terradactyl.
(edit: Grammar)

I just went into my local bookstore and asked if they had any books on turtles...

“Hardback?”, asked the clerk.



“Yes, with cute little legs.” I said.

A multi part joke my dad used to tell.

Why did the turtle cross the road ?
To get to the Shell station.

Why did the turtle go to the Shell station?
He needed Turtle Wax.

Why did the turtle need Turtle Wax?
He wanted to camouflage his shell.

Why did the turtle want to camouflage his shell?
He wanted to hi...

A man and his pet greyhound walk into a bar

While he’s sipping on his drink he notices a man with his pet turtle. Now this turtle did not look healthy, it had a large crack down its shell and bandages all over it. So, asked the bartender,
“What’s up with that turtle”
the bartender answered,
“That’s the fastest turtle in the world...

Courtesy of my five year old son... What do you get when a turtle and porcupine have a baby?

A slow poke!

animals are telling each other jokes

Animals are telling each other jokes. They have a rule that if someone tells a joke and everyone will not laugh, they will kill the one who was telling the joke.
First, the Bear tells a very good joke, everyone laughs except the Turtle, so they kill the Bear.
Then, the Fox tells a good jok...

What kind of phones do turtles use

Shell-ular phones.

A man walks into a bar with a small turtle in his hand.

The turtle has one black eye, two of its legs are twisted horrifically and it's shell is duct taped together.

The bartender, about to tie his German Shepard to the counter, asks the man, "Is your turtle OK?,"

"Better than that," the man responds, "This turtle is incredibly fast. In fa...

What do you call a porcupine riding a turtle?

A slow poke.

What do you call a blind sea turtle?

A can’t see turtle

What do you call a turtle that surfs the dark web?

A TORtoise

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call two turtles having sex?

A Slowpoke

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There once was a snail named Sam who lived in a forest which had an interesting reputation;

all the forest creatures would design elaborate vehicles and then race against each other every month. The snail loved to watch the races, and dreamed of participating one day.

However, everyone told the snail there was no way someone as slow as him would ever race. But, he was determined! Fo...

What did the snail say on the turtle’s back?

Weeeeeeeeeeee!

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Post turtles.

An old farmer was getting his hand stitched up after an accident at his cattle farm.

He and the doctor start into conversation, which leads into politics.

The old farmer explained, "Well, as I see it, most politicians are 'Post Turtles'."

Not being familiar with the term, the do...

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I love how the ninja turtles wear masks

Great way to hide your identity, it's not like you're a giant fucking turtle or something

I guy finds a little turtle but he isn't sure how to look after it.

So he goes to the library and asks the librarian for a book on turtles.
She asks "Hardback?"
"Yes," he replies, "with a little head and beady eyes."

I used to have a teacher called Miss Turtle,

funny looking woman but she tortoise well

After a 10 day journey, the turtle family finally arrives to the picnic location...

Upon arrival, mama turtle realizes they forgot the ketchup.

“Junior, please go back and fetch the ketchup”

“No way! You’ll start without me”

“Don’t worry, we’ll wait for you”

“I don’t believe you”

“We promise not to start without you”

Reluctantly, Junior lea...

What does a turtle and a pedophile have in common?

They both want to get there before the hare does.

A turtle walks into a restaurant and orders a soup.

"Sorry," says the waiter, "we don't serve a turtle soup here."

What is Thanos favorite animal?

A snapping turtle.

A lorry full of tortoises crashed into a trainload of terrapins,

What a turtle disaster.

So a turtle gets mugged by two snails on his way home

When the police finally show up they ask the turtle,

"Mr. Turtle, tell us everything!"

The turtle responds with fear still in his eyes,

"I can't officer, it all happened so fast!"

A hillbilly is in Florida and has a sea turtle hanging up on a fishing pole.

The game warden approaches on his boat and asked, "Are you gonna release that?"
The hillbilly then replies,"No, they taste good."
"Oh really, how do they taste?"
"Somewhere between bald eagle and manatee."

Timmy the Turtle...

Timmy the turtle climbed the tree with a glint in his and fierce determination. Finally, standing on the edge of a branch, he jumped and flapped his little legs as fiercely as he could. He hit the ground with a sickening thud and laid there for a few moments before heading back to the tree, blood st...

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A Turtle, a Grasshopper, and a Centipede are Drinking Beers

A turtle, a grasshopper, and a centipede are all sitting together drinking beers. They run out of beers, and the grasshopper says, "alright who's going to go buy some more some more?"

The turtle says, "I'd go, but it'll take me forever."

The grasshopper says, "I'd go but by the time I ...

How do you call it when a turtle doesn't do what he's supposed to do?

Uh, reptile dysfunction.

Plastics

I recently gave up plastic straws and plastics in general. Now I just book a vacation in the Galapagos once a year, and crush those turtles to death myself.

How many turtles does it take to screw in a light bulb

At least 2 but the trick is getting them in there in the first place

I got attacked and mugged by a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle

I got Attacked and mugged by a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle.

Ironically, he wasn't wearing a mask, so I couldn't Idenitfy him.

What did the snail say after he climbed onto the turtle's back?

"WEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE"

courtesy of my dad who tells this joke to everyone he meets

What do you call a ninja turtle with an addiction to pastries?

Donutello

Did you hear the news? Turtle crime is on the rise...

It's true. Just last night a group of turtles snuck up and mugged a snail in the park. A team of detectives interviewed the snail for details on the event. They asked, "So what happened?" The snail answered, "I don't know, it all just happened so fast."

Why do turtles live so long?

In the race of life, they're dead last

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

They made an engaging looking couple in the swank restaurant: The man was handsome, graying and obviously well off; the woman was a joy to any eye - very young, ravishing and delectable.

As they each read their menus, the gentleman asked his date what she would like to eat.


She scanned the menu yet again, and said, "To begin, I'll have two champagne cocktails, then a dozen oysters on the half shell and a tureen of turtle soup. As entrees I'll have the filet of English s...

A man walks into a Halloween party wearing nothing but his underpants and has a woman stuck on his back

His friends see him and ask "What are you supposed to be?"

"A turtle" the man replied

"What? How is that a turtle? and why is there a woman on your back? the friends ask

"Oh, thats just Michelle"

The comments about Mitch McConnell looking like a turtle without a shell are particularly apt...

since he's clearly missing his spine.

Three turtles

Three turtles decided to have a cup of coffee.
Just as they got into the cafe, it started to rain.
The biggest turtle said to the smallest one, "Go home and get the umbrella "
The little turtle replied " I'll, if you don't drink my coffee ".
"We won't " the other two promised.
Two ...

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We were watching the Megan Fox Ninja Turtle movie with my son.

And my wife says, "There seems to be a lot of girls hanging from things in this."
I replied, "It's the classic damsel in distress storytelling." Then I whispered, "Plus girls never let go of shit."
We both laughed and she gave me permission to share it.

The scariest and most feared whale in the entire ocean had his son kidnapped by krill... (an original joke)

The scariest and most feared whale in the entire ocean had his son kidnapped by krill, in a guerilla act of revenge for all of the family they'd lost over the years. They snuck up one night, and in their masses, surrounded the sleeping calf, and swam away, carrying him miles away from his father. ...

A woman walks into a costume party, dressed as a turtle.

As part of the costume, another woman was painted green ND attached to her back.

At the party, someone asked the woman "Who's that on you're back?"
To which they responded "That's Michelle".

Turtles are very efficient animals...

they come pre-packaged!

Trump is like a turtle on a pole.

You know he didn't get up there by himself, he doesn't belong up there, he doesn't know what to do while he's up there. He's elevated beyond his ability to function & you just wonder which idiots put him up there, in the first place.

what do u call a turtle running on a 9V rechargeable battery?

Dura-Shell

A Priest, a Rabbi, a Nun, two gorillas, a leopard, a horse, two turtles, and a dragonfly walk into a bar.

Bartender yells, “What is this, some sort of joke?”

What kind of photos do turtles take?

Shellfies

A turtle is sitting on the side of the road.

A turtle is sitting on the side of the road when a chicken hops up to him.
"Whatcha doin?" asks the chicken.
"My buddy's on the other side there, flipped on his back by some hooligans, and I'm waiting for a big enough break in traffic so I can get over there and help him."
"Why, I'd b...

My pet turtle just died. He was tilted due to missing both his right legs, and he loved ring shaped pasta.

I'm really gonna miss turtellini.

Walking along a pond a heard a turtle ribbit

I guess you could say he has a reptile dysfunction

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