At the bookstore

Customer : Do you have any books on turtles

Server : Hard back ?

Customer : Yeah, with little heads

Defective Turtle

A little boy walks into a pet store carrying a turtle. He goes up to the guy at the counter and says "Meester... I bought this turtle here yesterday but he's defective". The man looks down at the kid and asks "Defective? What's the matter with him?". The boy responds, "He's got bleesters on he's fee...

Where do you find a turtle with no legs?

Wherever you left him.

I went into a book store today and asked if they had any books about turtles.

The cashier said : “hardback?”

I said: “yeah and little heads”

Three turtles decide to go on a picnic

Three turtles, Joe, Steve, and Poncho, decide to go on a picnic. Joe packs the picnic basket with cookies, bottled sodas, and sandwiches. The trouble is, the picnic site is 10 miles away, so the turtles take 10 whole days to get there.
By the time they do arrive, everyone's whipped and hungry. ...

Where do homeless turtles go?

To the Shellter :)

What do you call a turtle that's only awake at night?

A noc-turtle

What type of jokes do turtles like?

Shell-arious ones.

(My sister came up with this one, cut her some slack, she's seven)

Do you think turtles live longer than humans because...

they live a shell-tered life?

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

How do turtles have sex?

Slow poke

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

What do you get when you mix a turtle and female genitalia?

A clitortise

I was at a fancy dress party, and I ran into a friend of mine, dressed as a turtle with another girl on her back

I asked “who’s the other girl”

She said...

“Michelle”

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Florida highway maintenance crew

working on a road. All of a sudden, a worker grabs a shovel and beats the hell out of a turtle alongside the road.

"What the hell did you do that for?" cried one worker.

"Than son-of-a-bitch has been following us all day!"

What kind of phones do turtles use

Shell-ular phones.

Me: Doctor Doctor, whenever I wear this sweater I can't move my neck at fast speeds...

Doctor: It's turtleneck.

A guy walking to library and asks for a book on sea turtles.

The librarian asks "hard back?"

The guy replies "yeah little heads too."

What does the detective turtle on top of another turtle sais?

I'm on a hard case.

Some bloke just told me I have no culture

Just because I can name more ninja turtles than renaissance artists.

A man goes to a costume party wearing nothing but his underwear and a woman on his back.

His friends see him and say, “Hey man, what are you supposed to be?”
He replies, “Oh, I’m dressed as a turtle.”
His friends respond, “A turtle? How are you a turtle? Who’s that woman on your back?”
The man replies, “Oh that’s just Michelle.”

My favorite teacher at school was Mr Turtle.

Because of the way he tortoise.

I was walking up town and saw two turtles get in a fight.

Someone called the cops, and when they showed up they asked the turtles what happened... The turtles said it all happend too fast.

A man was known for throwing elaborate costume parties. [Long]

A successful lawyer and bachelor, he had a large home on the countryside where, once a year, he would welcome hundreds of guests to a gorgeous masquerade ball complete with a live band and exquisite catering. He would send out fancy invitations, and patrons would only be allowed into his party if th...

I just went into my local bookstore and asked if they had any books on turtles...

“Hardback?”, asked the clerk.

​

“Yes, with cute little legs.” I said.

Courtesy of my five year old son... What do you get when a turtle and porcupine have a baby?

A slow poke!

Post turtle

An old rancher is talking about politics with a young man from the city. He compares a politician to a "post turtle". The young man doesn't understand and asks him what a post turtle is.

The old man says, "When you're driving down a country road and you see a fence post with a turtle balanced...

There are two turtles in a tank...

one says to the other, "how do you drive this thing?"

The Ninja Turtles went to a store to buy new weapons. Everyone got what they needed except for Raphael

They didn't have his sai's.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man is sitting on the bank of a river with a turtle

And an officer from the fisheries board approached him. The officer says to the man "do you know it's illegal to poach turtles out of this river - they're an endangered species"?

The man says to the officer, "no this is my pet turtle. I bring
him down here everyday and let him go for a sw...

Some people say that the earth is on a turtles back.

Can you imagine if it was on a pterodactyls back?
it would be a Terradactyl.
(edit: Grammar)

What do you call a porcupine riding a turtle?

A slow poke.

What do you call a turtle that surfs the dark web?

A TORtoise

My 4 year old son just got me with a dad joke I hadn't heard before.

My son was playing with his teenage mutant ninja turtle action figures, and was making them fight each other.

Me: "Where are their weapons? Are they just fighting with their bare hands?"

Son: "No, they are fighting with their turtle hands."

Doesn't have a clue why I was laughin...

A nude lady enters the costume party behind the turtle

She has nothing but a monkey covering her pubic area.

The host takes one puzzled look.

"Alright, I give up. Judging by what I asked the turtle, I may regret asking this, but what are you supposed to be?"

"I'm an Italian boy!"

"What's with the monkey?"

"That'sa not ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

What do you call two turtles having sex?

A Slowpoke

Little snail was beaten up by the turtles...

The snail's father asked him: "What happened?"

"I don't know... It all happened so fast..."

After a 10 day journey, the turtle family finally arrives to the picnic location...

Upon arrival, mama turtle realizes they forgot the ketchup.

“Junior, please go back and fetch the ketchup”

“No way! You’ll start without me”

“Don’t worry, we’ll wait for you”

“I don’t believe you”

“We promise not to start without you”

Reluctantly, Junior lea...

A Turtle,Hippo, and Zebra are told to tell a joke to a Lion....

The Lion tells the three animals if he doesnt laugh at their jokes then he will kill them

The Turtle steps up and tells his joke, the Lion doesn't laugh, so he kills the Turtle

The Hippo, nervous, steps up and tells his joke, the Lion doesn't laugh, so he kills the Hippo

The Zeb...

Three women die in an accident together and go to heaven.

They meet god at the door, and he says "there is only one rule in heaven. Don't step on the turtles."

So they go in, and sure enough there are millions and millions of turtles on the ground, and it is near impossible not to step on one.

So the first woman accidentally steps on a turt...

What did the snail say on the turtle’s back?

Weeeeeeeeeeee!

I used to have a teacher called Miss Turtle,

funny looking woman but she tortoise well

What do you call a blind sea turtle?

A can’t see turtle

What does a turtle and a pedophile have in common?

They both want to get there before the hare does.

I guy finds a little turtle but he isn't sure how to look after it.

So he goes to the library and asks the librarian for a book on turtles.
She asks "Hardback?"
"Yes," he replies, "with a little head and beady eyes."

Once there were three turtles.

One day they decided to go on a picnic. When they got there, they realized they had forgotten the soda. The youngest turtle said he would go home and get it if they wouldn't eat the sandwiches until he got back. A week went by, then a month, finally a year, when the two turtles said,"oh, come on, le...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I love how the ninja turtles wear masks

Great way to hide your identity, it's not like you're a giant fucking turtle or something

A hillbilly is in Florida and has a sea turtle hanging up on a fishing pole.

The game warden approaches on his boat and asked, "Are you gonna release that?"
The hillbilly then replies,"No, they taste good."
"Oh really, how do they taste?"
"Somewhere between bald eagle and manatee."

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Post turtles.

An old farmer was getting his hand stitched up after an accident at his cattle farm.

He and the doctor start into conversation, which leads into politics.

The old farmer explained, "Well, as I see it, most politicians are 'Post Turtles'."

Not being familiar with the term, the do...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

There was a group of animals on an island with no food.

There was an island filled with food across from the island the animals were, so they gathered around and decided to send the turtle to get food because he was the only animal that could swim.

30 minutes passes by and the lion starts talking trash about the turtle, saying how slow he was and ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A Turtle, a Grasshopper, and a Centipede are Drinking Beers

A turtle, a grasshopper, and a centipede are all sitting together drinking beers. They run out of beers, and the grasshopper says, "alright who's going to go buy some more some more?"

The turtle says, "I'd go, but it'll take me forever."

The grasshopper says, "I'd go but by the time I ...

So a turtle gets mugged by two snails on his way home

When the police finally show up they ask the turtle,

"Mr. Turtle, tell us everything!"

The turtle responds with fear still in his eyes,

"I can't officer, it all happened so fast!"

So a turtle gets mugged by two snails...

So a turtle gets mugged by two snails and the police officer asks, “What happened?”

The turtle replies, “I don’t know it happened so fast.”

Merry Christmas and happy holidays, Reddit!

I got attacked and mugged by a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle

I got Attacked and mugged by a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle.

Ironically, he wasn't wearing a mask, so I couldn't Idenitfy him.

How do you call it when a turtle doesn't do what he's supposed to do?

Uh, reptile dysfunction.

Timmy the Turtle...

Timmy the turtle climbed the tree with a glint in his and fierce determination. Finally, standing on the edge of a branch, he jumped and flapped his little legs as fiercely as he could. He hit the ground with a sickening thud and laid there for a few moments before heading back to the tree, blood st...

A man walks into a bar with a small turtle in his hand.

The turtle has one black eye, two of its legs are twisted horrifically and it's shell is duct taped together.

The bartender, about to tie his German Shepard to the counter, asks the man, "Is your turtle OK?,"

"Better than that," the man responds, "This turtle is incredibly fast. In fa...

Three turtles go on a picnic ...

It takes them 10 days to get to the spot, because they're turtles. When they arrive and unpack the picnic basket, they realize they've forgotten the bottle opener.

"Go back and get it", the two bigger turtles tell the smaller one.

"No way!" the smaller one says. "You'll eat all the sa...

How many turtles does it take to screw in a light bulb

At least 2 but the trick is getting them in there in the first place

The comments about Mitch McConnell looking like a turtle without a shell are particularly apt...

since he's clearly missing his spine.

What did the snail say after he climbed onto the turtle's back?

"WEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE"

courtesy of my dad who tells this joke to everyone he meets

Turtles are very efficient animals...

they come pre-packaged!

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

My favorite clean joke

A young turtle is seen in the forest climbing up the trunk of a tree. It reaches the first sturdy branch of the tree and climbs out to the very end of it. At the end of the branch it hesitates for a minute before jumping off flailing its legs wildly tumbling end over end before smashing head first i...

Did you hear the news? Turtle crime is on the rise...

It's true. Just last night a group of turtles snuck up and mugged a snail in the park. A team of detectives interviewed the snail for details on the event. They asked, "So what happened?" The snail answered, "I don't know, it all just happened so fast."

Why do turtles live so long?

In the race of life, they're dead last

Classy girls are like turtles

They rarely go on their backs, but when they do, they're there for a very long time.


Was watching a re-run of Rules of Engagement and heard this.

What do you call a ninja turtle with an addiction to pastries?

Donutello

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

We were watching the Megan Fox Ninja Turtle movie with my son.

And my wife says, "There seems to be a lot of girls hanging from things in this."
I replied, "It's the classic damsel in distress storytelling." Then I whispered, "Plus girls never let go of shit."
We both laughed and she gave me permission to share it.

A Priest, a Rabbi, a Nun, two gorillas, a leopard, a horse, two turtles, and a dragonfly walk into a bar.

Bartender yells, “What is this, some sort of joke?”

My pet turtle just died. He was tilted due to missing both his right legs, and he loved ring shaped pasta.

I'm really gonna miss turtellini.

Three turtles

Three turtles decided to have a cup of coffee.
Just as they got into the cafe, it started to rain.
The biggest turtle said to the smallest one, "Go home and get the umbrella "
The little turtle replied " I'll, if you don't drink my coffee ".
"We won't " the other two promised.
Two ...

Walking along a pond a heard a turtle ribbit

I guess you could say he has a reptile dysfunction

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Did you hear about the shy turtle having an orgasm?

Apparently he came out of his shell.

A turtle is sitting on the side of the road.

A turtle is sitting on the side of the road when a chicken hops up to him.
"Whatcha doin?" asks the chicken.
"My buddy's on the other side there, flipped on his back by some hooligans, and I'm waiting for a big enough break in traffic so I can get over there and help him."
"Why, I'd b...

A woman walks into a costume party, dressed as a turtle.

As part of the costume, another woman was painted green ND attached to her back.

At the party, someone asked the woman "Who's that on you're back?"
To which they responded "That's Michelle".

We always called our teacher Turtle

Because he Tortoise (Taught us).


Told by my 7 year old boy, so be gentle.

Trump is like a turtle on a pole.

You know he didn't get up there by himself, he doesn't belong up there, he doesn't know what to do while he's up there. He's elevated beyond his ability to function & you just wonder which idiots put him up there, in the first place.

what do u call a turtle running on a 9V rechargeable battery?

Dura-Shell

What kind of pictures do turtles take?

Shelfies

Deep within a forest, a little turtle began to climb a tree...

After hours of effort he reached the top, jumped into the air waving his front legs and crashed to the ground.

After recovering, he slowly climbed the tree again, jumped, and fell to the ground.

The turtle tried again and again while a couple of birds sitting on a branch watched his s...

A man is sitting at a bar when he notices a turtle near the register. It is covered with bandages ....

and not moving. "So uh, what's the deal with the dead turtle?" he asks.
The barkeep perks up, "Dead? you say? I'll have you know that this is the fastest turtle on Earth!" "In fact, I have fifty dollars that say **this** turtle can beat **you** to the other side of the room!"

The man look...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A Turtle and a Parrot

were positioned close to each other in a pet store checkout lane. The turtle turned to the parrot and said "I sure hope my new owner likes vegetables and that I get good leftovers. The parrot turned to the turtle and exclaimed “Holy fuck! A talking turtle!”

I have a famous turtle. Guess what it's called?

Shellebrity.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A Guy and His Turtle Walk Into a Bar...

And he sees another guy sitting at the bar with his pet greyhound. So he walks over to the guy and says "I bet you fifty bucks my turtle can beat your greyhound in a race to the other side of the bar". The guy looks at his pure-bred, muscular champion of a dog - then he looks at buddy's turtle - wit...