A baby turtle...

...was standing at the bottom of a large tree and with a deep sigh, started to climb.


About an hour later, he reached a very high branch and walked along to the end. He turned and spread all four flippers and launched himself off the branch. On landing at the bottom in a pile of soft, d...

My uncle died from a turtle stampede

It was a slow death

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A man is sitting on the bank of a river with a turtle

And an officer from the fisheries board approached him. The officer says to the man "do you know it's illegal to poach turtles out of this river - they're an endangered species"?

The man says to the officer, "no this is my pet turtle. I bring
him down here everyday and let him go for a sw...

A turtle walks into a bar.

A turtle walks into a bar and orders some water. The bartender gives that turtle a glass of water and the turtle slowly walks away with it. On the next day the turtle comes again with the same order. This repeats for four days, but on day 5 the bartender decides to ask the turtle:
- Man, why do y...

A family of turtles decided to take picnic at the park.

They packed their picnic basket full and began walking toward their favorite picnic location at the park. It takes them one week to get there.

When they arrive, they realize that they forgot the picnic blanket. They ask the littlest one to quickly go back and get it. He protests, 'but you'...

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What do turtles say to themselves to calm down?

My 7 yr old: dad, I made up a joke and it’s really funny.
Me: ok hit me.
Her: what do turtles say to themselves to calm down?
Me: mmm I dunno, what?
Her: “in through your nose, out through your butt.”
Me: …
Her: …
Me: …
Her: turtles breathe through their butts, dad.
Me: oh...

A Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle walks into a bar.

The bartender says, “you’re underage. Get the hell out of here.”

What do you call it when a group of turtles just won’t get along?

Reptile disfunction.

The gun fight between the turtles and tortoises was barbaric!

Empty shells everywhere.

“Hey, I’m looking for a book about turtles”

“Ah yes, the hard back”

“Yeah, With small heads”

Two turtles get mugged...

Two turtles are walking down the street, while all of a sudden, a third turtle comes up to them and robs them. The two call the police to report the robbery, and when the police officer comes to the crime scene and asks the two turtles what happened, one of them replies, "I don't know....it all happ...

3 turtles named Joe, Jeff, and Jimmy decide to go on a picnic

They pack, chips, sandwiches, and soda, and start to walk to their picnic area. The spot is 5 miles away, and it takes the turtles 10 full days to get there. Once they get there, they realize that they had left the bottle opener, and thus could not open the sodas. They nominate Jimmy to walk back an...

A turtle walked in a restaurant but the owner grabbed it and threw it out.

It came back 5 months later and yelled: get your hands off me!

A man walks into a bar with his dog and sees another man sitting with his turtle

The man with the turtle is sitting with piles of cash in front of him.

The man with the dog is curious so he asks, "What's the deal with all the cash?"

The man with the turtle responds, "Well this here turtle is the fastest pet in the state. Ain't nobody else's pet faster than my turt...

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The veterinarian gave my turtle Viagra

Apparently it had a reptile dysfunction.

A snail shop owner was attacked by a turtle gang. The police asked if he could describe the perpetrators, he said

I don't know, it happened so fast.

Why is turtle wax so expensive?

Because they only have little ears.

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The Post Turtle

An old man was in the ER having a wound stitched up.

As they chatted the subject eventually turned to politics.
The Dr. asked the man his thoughts on President Trump.

The old man told him that Trump was a post turtle.
Not understand the term the Dr. asked the man what a post turt...

I was a turtle in my past life...

It's slowly coming back to me.

An Internet Explorer user was recently mugged by a snail, a turtle, and a sloth.

When reporters asked him if he could describe the muggers, he responded, "Not very well. It all happened so fast."

A little turtle begins to climb a tree slowly.

After long hours of effort, he reaches the top, jumps into the air waving his front legs, until he crashes heavily into the ground with a hard knock on his shell.

After recovering his consciousness, he starts to climb the tree again, jumps again, and knocks the ground heavily again.

Th...

Went into my local book store and asked if they had any books on turtles.

" Hard back"? Asked the worker

" yes " I replied " with little heads "

What happens to a turtle when it dies?

It goes into riga-tortoise

Where do you find a leg-less turtle?

Wherever you left it!

I went to an Animal Costume Party with my wife on my back

I knocked on the door and was immediately told I wasn’t in costume.

I said that I was and when asked which animal I was I said,

“I’m a turtle and on my back, that’s Michelle”

Why did the turtle cross the road?

To get to the shell station!!!!

How did the Turtle beat the Hare?

It used a razor.

The ninja turtles and master splinter were found dead in their lair...

The police ruled the deaths as sewer-cides.

After a snail was beaten up by two turtles,

its friends were looking for
revenge, so they wanted to know,
"Did you get a good look at the turtles
who did this to you?"

"No," the snail answered, "it all
happened so fast."

A snail witnessed two turtles collide and have an accident. He was asked what he saw....

He said, "I'm not sure, it all happened so fast."

Why did the turtle go to AT&T

because he couldn't sprint

What’s the Ninja Turtles favorite brand of saki?

Oroku, because it shreds.

What did the snail say when it was riding on the back of a turtle?

Weeeeeee!

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What do you use to pick up turtle poop in Mario?

A Koopa Troopa Poopa Scoopa

Once upon a time

Once upon a time a turtle went on its way to school, but when it got there, they already had gone out on vacation.

NOTE: I’m not native English speaker. Sorry about the posible mistakes.

A man walks into a bookstore and asks, "Got any books on turtles?"

The shopkeeper replies, "Hardback?"

The man says, "Yeah. And little heads."

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My pet turtle Francois

When I was a kid, I had a pet turtle named Francois. He was just a red eared slider, but I thought he was the coolest thing ever.

One summer, I went to camp, and Francois died. My father was the worst at breaking bad news, so he said Francois was alive and well -- and living with my mother. ...

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[NSFW] How did the turtle finally lose his virginity?

He came out of his shell.

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What do sea turtles have in common with mature Redditors?

They both have human shits getting in their face.

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What do you call a female turtle masturbating?

A Squirtle

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A 7 foot tall giant of a man walks into a bar...

...carrying a brown box. Everyone is staring quietly because of the sheer size of some random guy seemingly on a mission.
 
He walks up to the counter and orders two shots of whiskey. After downing them both in succession, he reaches into the box and pulls out a huge snapping turtle, shows it ...

Four Turtles Are About To Have Lunch Near Their Home In The Forrest

Leonardo, Donatello, Raphael and Michelangelo are getting set when they realise they forgot the ketchup.


They start arguing who should go and get it, and after a hassle three of them agreed that Michelangelo should go and get it.


Mickey says I'll get it only if you wait for me ...

I went to Borders and asked the blonde for a book about turtles

She said 'hardback?'

So I replied, 'yeah, with 4 legs and little heads'

Did you know turtles have the ability to understand puns?

I wish they would have tortoise that in school.

A guy walking to library and asks for a book on sea turtles.

The librarian asks "hard back?"

The guy replies "yeah little heads too."

When I was a little kid I had a pet turtle. Tiny little turtle, kept him in an aquarium. When i went to camp, the turtle died. When i got home, my dad lied to me. He said, "your turtle is live and well, it just went to go live with your mother." And i believed that til i was digging in the backyard

...found my mom's body.

Smh worst day of my life,
I loved that turtle

Two snails are sitting on the back of a turtle

and one snail turns to the other and says "Hold on, friend. Here we go!"

A turtle is standing on tree branch and looks around

Then she jumps. But no matter how much she waves her limbs she of course falls down. Undeterred she climbs up again, climbs on tree branch and jumps again. And of course crashes to the ground again. Yet again she climbs up, ready to jump again. Two pigeons are looking at her and one turns to other "...

What happens when you try to crossbreed a turtle and a dragon?

You get a crushed turtle.

Mr. T set the ninja turtles up on a blind date.

Mr. T: Here's your girl.

Ninja Turtles: who is she?

Mr T: Its April, fools.





Also, I'm sorry.

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What was the Ninja Turtles’ policy regarding homosexuality?

Don’t ask Donatello

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What do you get when you mix a turtle and female genitalia?

A clitortise

One of my best teachers in high school was a turtle.

I remember everything he tortoise.

What did Jesus say to the Turtle?

Shellom

Happy Easter!!!!!

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What does a pedophile and a turtle have in common?

They both wanna get there before the hare does.

I spent the whole day trying to carve the Ninja Turtles out of wood

But just ended up with a load of Splinters.

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What do Sea Turtles and Kim Kardashians Ass have in common?

They're both filled with Plastic.

I went to a fancy dress party carrying my girlfriend on my back, someone asked "What are you supposed to be?" I answered "A turtle" "Why?" they asked...

"That's Michelle" I said

You would think that I would eventually learn

That not everyone is grateful when you try to help them. I was driving the other day and saw an old guy trying to cross the road. I pulled over, turned on my blinkers and went to assist the fellow. This guy turned around, and came after me, and tried to bite me. Snapping turtles are a hell of a lot ...

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Post turtles.

An old farmer was getting his hand stitched up after an accident at his cattle farm.

He and the doctor start into conversation, which leads into politics.

The old farmer explained, "Well, as I see it, most politicians are 'Post Turtles'."

Not being familiar with the term, the do...

How do you get a turtle across the freeway

Two friends were talking and one asks the other, “how do you get a turtle across a freeway?”

The friend looked confused and asked how

The other one says, “here’s a hint, take the f out of free and f out of way.”

Once again confused the friend says, “there’s no f in way.”

My favourite teacher at school was Mrs. Turtle.

Strange name but she tortoise well.

Defective Turtle

A little boy walks into a pet store carrying a turtle. He goes up to the guy at the counter and says "Meester... I bought this turtle here yesterday but he's defective". The man looks down at the kid and asks "Defective? What's the matter with him?". The boy responds, "He's got bleesters on he's fee...

Shredder finally defeated the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles.

All he had to do is to throw a box of plastic straws to the sewer system.

Did you hear about the self-help book written by a turtle?

It was a New York Times' Best Sheller!

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I love how the ninja turtles wear masks

Great way to hide your identity, it's not like you're a giant fucking turtle or something

There are two turtles in a tank...

one says to the other, "how do you drive this thing?"

What type of jokes do turtles like?

Shell-arious ones.

(My sister came up with this one, cut her some slack, she's seven)

Why couldn’t the turtle get his neck out of his shell?

Reptile Dysfunction

Do you think turtles live longer than humans because...

they live a shell-tered life?

What's something a turtle can't do when you put it on its back?

It can't believe you've done this

What do you call two turtles [email protected]#$ing?

A slow poke.

A snail was walking down the road when he spots these three heavily built, thuggish turtles following him...

He got scared and quickened his pace, made a few left and right turns to lose them. After 3 hours, quivering and shaking, he looked back and to his dismay they were still following him, and worse they were getting closer.

He was now running for his life as fast as he could, terrified and swea...

Why do the ninja turtles make terrible office mates?

They always destroy the shredder.

What berry are the turtles allergic to?

Strawberry

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A Green Beret walks into a Marine bar carrying a large snapping turtle under his arm...

All of the Marines go quiet.

The Green Beret sets the snapping turtle on the bar, pulls out his dick and taunts the turtle with it until it latches on.

He lifts the turtle off the bar with his dick, swings it around in a circle, spins it around, slams it back on to the bar and ...

Why do the Ninja Turtles attack Shredder 4 on 1?

Because their master is a rat.

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Three turtles decide to go on a picnic

Three turtles, Joe, Steve, and Poncho, decide to go on a picnic. Joe packs the picnic basket with cookies, bottled sodas, and sandwiches. The trouble is, the picnic site is 10 miles away, so the turtles take 10 whole days to get there.
By the time they do arrive, everyone's whipped and hungry. ...

A turtle walks into a bar...

A turtle walks into a bar. He sits down and gets ready to order. The bartender goes, "You're looking a little GREEN there friend, need some Ginger Ale?" Everyone started laughing. The turtle confused replied with, "No thanks, I'll just take some whiskey." The bartender gets him his drink and says, "...

I just went into my local bookstore and asked if they had any books on turtles...

“Hardback?”, asked the clerk.



“Yes, with cute little legs.” I said.

Where do homeless turtles go?

To the Shellter :)

The Ninja Turtles went to a store to buy new weapons. Everyone got what they needed except for Raphael

They didn't have his sai's.

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Anyone ever masturbated to a turtle race?

I got off to a slow start.

Dinner

So, I’m having dinner with my Uncle at this chic restaurant. As he closed the menu shut, he says to the waitstaff “I’ll have the turtle soup and make it snappy!”

I guy finds a little turtle but he isn't sure how to look after it.

So he goes to the library and asks the librarian for a book on turtles.
She asks "Hardback?"
"Yes," he replies, "with a little head and beady eyes."

Once there were three turtles.

One day they decided to go on a picnic. When they got there, they realized they had forgotten the soda. The youngest turtle said he would go home and get it if they wouldn't eat the sandwiches until he got back. A week went by, then a month, finally a year, when the two turtles said,"oh, come on, le...

How do you call it when a turtle doesn't do what he's supposed to do?

Uh, reptile dysfunction.

Courtesy of my five year old son... What do you get when a turtle and porcupine have a baby?

A slow poke!

What do you call a Turtle that does yoga?

Wakka Wakka U?

What kind of phones do turtles use

Shell-ular phones.

What does Donald Trump and a turtle on a post have in common?

1. You know he didn’t get there by himself.
2. He doesn’t belong up there.
3. He doesn’t have any idea what to do now that he’s there.
4. You wonder who could’ve thought it was a good idea in the first place.
5. He’s elevated beyond his ability to function.

After a 10 day journey, the turtle family finally arrives to the picnic location...

Upon arrival, mama turtle realizes they forgot the ketchup.

“Junior, please go back and fetch the ketchup”

“No way! You’ll start without me”

“Don’t worry, we’ll wait for you”

“I don’t believe you”

“We promise not to start without you”

Reluctantly, Junior lea...

I wonder what turtle tastes like?

It tastes like plastic.

What did the seal say to the sea turtle?

Can you please scute?

A man walks into a bar with a small turtle in his hand.

The turtle has one black eye, two of its legs are twisted horrifically and it's shell is duct taped together.

The bartender, about to tie his German Shepard to the counter, asks the man, "Is your turtle OK?,"

"Better than that," the man responds, "This turtle is incredibly fast. In fa...

A naked man arrives at a costume party with a girl on his back.

"I'm a turtle", he says.

"Oh... who's on your back?"

"That's Michelle", he replies.

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