A baby turtle...

...was standing at the bottom of a large tree and with a deep sigh, started to climb.


About an hour later, he reached a very high branch and walked along to the end. He turned and spread all four flippers and launched himself off the branch. On landing at the bottom in a pile of soft, d...

My uncle died from a turtle stampede

It was a slow death

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A man is sitting on the bank of a river with a turtle

And an officer from the fisheries board approached him. The officer says to the man "do you know it's illegal to poach turtles out of this river - they're an endangered species"?

The man says to the officer, "no this is my pet turtle. I bring
him down here everyday and let him go for a sw...

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What do you use to pick up turtle poop in Mario?

A Koopa Troopa Poopa Scoopa

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What did the naked Irish turtle say after a long night of drinking?

Oh shite I lost Michelle

Where do you find a turtle with no legs?

Right where you left it!

I asked the lady at the bookstore for a guide to Turtles.

She said ‘hardback?’, I said ‘Yeah, and like, little heads’

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[NSFW] What do you call a female turtle?

A clitortoise!

A snail witnessed two turtles collide and have an accident. He was asked what he saw....

He said, "I'm not sure, it all happened so fast."

Why did the turtle go to AT&T

because he couldn't sprint

"Why did the turtle cross the road?"

"To visit the idiot!"





...





"Knock knock"





...







"Who's there?"





...





"The turtle, you idiot!"

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What do sea turtles have in common with mature Redditors?

They both have human shits getting in their face.

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[NSFW] How did the turtle finally lose his virginity?

He came out of his shell.

Mr. T set the ninja turtles up on a blind date.

Mr. T: Here's your girl.

Ninja Turtles: who is she?

Mr T: Its April, fools.





Also, I'm sorry.

Elephant Never Forgets

An elephant and a crocodile were swimming in the Amazon, when the elephant spots a turtle sunning himself on a rock.

The elephant walks over to the turtle, picks him up in his trunk and hurls him far into the jungle.

"What did you do that for?" asks the crocodile.

The elephan...

Four Turtles Are About To Have Lunch Near Their Home In The Forrest

Leonardo, Donatello, Raphael and Michelangelo are getting set when they realise they forgot the ketchup.


They start arguing who should go and get it, and after a hassle three of them agreed that Michelangelo should go and get it.


Mickey says I'll get it only if you wait for me ...

A man walks into a library and asks if there’s any books about turtles...

Librarian: hardback?

Man: Yea with little heads

A turtle walks into a bar...

A turtle walks into a bar. He sits down and gets ready to order. The bartender goes, "You're looking a little GREEN there friend, need some Ginger Ale?" Everyone started laughing. The turtle confused replied with, "No thanks, I'll just take some whiskey." The bartender gets him his drink and says, "...

Did you know turtles have the ability to understand puns?

I wish they would have tortoise that in school.

Two snails are sitting on the back of a turtle

and one snail turns to the other and says "Hold on, friend. Here we go!"

What do you call a herd of turtles?

hurdles

What did Jesus say to the Turtle?

Shellom

Happy Easter!!!!!

One of my friends wants to be a turtle breeder, but he can't get the turtles to mate.

He has a reptile dysfunction.

A man walks into a bar with his dog and sees another man sitting with his turtle

The man with the turtle is sitting with piles of cash in front of him.

The man with the dog is curious so he asks, "What's the deal with all the cash?"

The man with the turtle responds, "Well this here turtle is the fastest pet in the state. Ain't nobody else's pet faster than my turt...

Shredder finally defeated the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles.

All he had to do is to throw a box of plastic straws to the sewer system.

I went to Borders and asked the blonde for a book about turtles

She said 'hardback?'

So I replied, 'yeah, with 4 legs and little heads'

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A big, burly, 6’10” 283lb guy walks into a bar carrying a brown box...

Everyone is staring quietly because of the sheer size of some random guy seemingly on a mission.

He walks up to the counter and orders two shots of whiskey. After downing them both in succession, he reaches into the box and pulls out a huge snapping turtle, shows it to everyone around. Then t...

Turtle crossing....

A turtle is crossing the road when he’s mugged by two snails.

When the police show up, they ask him what happened.

The shaken turtle replies, ***“I don’t know. It all happened so fast.”***

What do you call two turtles [email protected]#$ing?

A slow poke.

What happens when you try to crossbreed a turtle and a dragon?

You get a crushed turtle.

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What was the Ninja Turtles’ policy regarding homosexuality?

Don’t ask Donatello

My favourite teacher at school was Mrs. Turtle.

Strange name but she tortoise well.

What's something a turtle can't do when you put it on its back?

It can't believe you've done this

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Little Red Riding Hood was on her way to see her grandmother in the forest. Her mother warned her "Don't walk through the forest, take the path, or else the Big Bad Wolf will catch you and suck your tits dry!"

Little Red started towards her grandmother's house but decided to take the shortcut through the forest anyway. A turtle stopped Little Red and warned her "Turn back and use the path, because if the Big Bad Wolf finds you, he'll suck your tits dry!" Little Red was almost there, so she kept going thro...

What do you get when you cross a turtle and a porcupine?

A Slow-poke!

Where do turtles get gas

The shell station

I spent the whole day trying to carve the Ninja Turtles out of wood

But just ended up with a load of Splinters.

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A man had a penis size of 25 inches.

He wanted to reduce the size of his penis so he went to a saint to tell him about his problem. The saint told him that there is a big turtle on a beach, if he tells you "no" then your penis' size would decrease by 5 inches.

So that man found the turtle and asked him, "Will you marry me ?" The...

I have the world's most frustrated pet

My turtle likes to chase cars.

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During creation, God asked creatures of they wanted an exoskeleton or an endoskeleton.

Turtle: Yes



Author's note: "repost" because I fucked up the original

I want to try translating a Finnish joke to English and see if it works.

What is the animal that steals license plates?
- A turtle.

Did you hear about the self-help book written by a turtle?

It was a New York Times' Best Sheller!

When I was a little kid I had a pet turtle. Tiny little turtle, kept him in an aquarium. When i went to camp, the turtle died. When i got home, my dad lied to me. He said, "your turtle is live and well, it just went to go live with your mother." And i believed that til i was digging in the backyard

...found my mom's body.

Smh worst day of my life,
I loved that turtle

One of my best teachers in high school was a turtle.

I remember everything he tortoise.

Defective Turtle

A little boy walks into a pet store carrying a turtle. He goes up to the guy at the counter and says "Meester... I bought this turtle here yesterday but he's defective". The man looks down at the kid and asks "Defective? What's the matter with him?". The boy responds, "He's got bleesters on he's fee...

What does Donald Trump and a turtle on a post have in common?

1. You know he didn’t get there by himself.
2. He doesn’t belong up there.
3. He doesn’t have any idea what to do now that he’s there.
4. You wonder who could’ve thought it was a good idea in the first place.
5. He’s elevated beyond his ability to function.

A snail was walking down the road when he spots these three heavily built, thuggish turtles following him...

He got scared and quickened his pace, made a few left and right turns to lose them. After 3 hours, quivering and shaking, he looked back and to his dismay they were still following him, and worse they were getting closer.

He was now running for his life as fast as he could, terrified and swea...

How do you get a turtle across the freeway

Two friends were talking and one asks the other, “how do you get a turtle across a freeway?”

The friend looked confused and asked how

The other one says, “here’s a hint, take the f out of free and f out of way.”

Once again confused the friend says, “there’s no f in way.”

The scariest and most feared whale in the entire ocean had his son kidnapped by krill

The scariest and most feared whale in the entire ocean had his son kidnapped by krill, in a guerilla act of revenge for all of the family they'd lost over the years. They snuck up one night, and in their masses, surrounded the sleeping calf, and swam away, carrying him miles away from his father. ...

Why can't a turtle stand up?

Because of a reptile dysfunction.

A guy walking to library and asks for a book on sea turtles.

The librarian asks "hard back?"

The guy replies "yeah little heads too."

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Anyone ever masturbated to a turtle race?

I got off to a slow start.

What berry are the turtles allergic to?

Strawberry

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What do Sea Turtles and Kim Kardashians Ass have in common?

They're both filled with Plastic.

Why do the Ninja Turtles attack Shredder 4 on 1?

Because their master is a rat.

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What do you get when you mix a turtle and female genitalia?

A clitortise

A naked man arrives at a costume party with a girl on his back.

"I'm a turtle", he says.

"Oh... who's on your back?"

"That's Michelle", he replies.

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What do prostitutes and turtles have in common?

They’re both fucked when they’re on their backs.

Why do the ninja turtles make terrible office mates?

They always destroy the shredder.

A guy is golfing by himself and shanks a ball hard.

He yells, "Goddamn it all to hell!"

St. Peter hears him and asks God, "Aren't you going to do anything about that?"

God says, "Yep."

Next hole is a long par five over water ending in a dog leg. The guy tees up and crushes the ball. It hits the water but just as it does, a turtle...

I went to a fancy dress party carrying my girlfriend on my back, someone asked "What are you supposed to be?" I answered "A turtle" "Why?" they asked...

"That's Michelle" I said

What type of jokes do turtles like?

Shell-arious ones.

(My sister came up with this one, cut her some slack, she's seven)

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Three turtles decide to go on a picnic

Three turtles, Joe, Steve, and Poncho, decide to go on a picnic. Joe packs the picnic basket with cookies, bottled sodas, and sandwiches. The trouble is, the picnic site is 10 miles away, so the turtles take 10 whole days to get there.
By the time they do arrive, everyone's whipped and hungry. ...

Do you think turtles live longer than humans because...

they live a shell-tered life?

There are two turtles in a tank...

one says to the other, "how do you drive this thing?"

What do you call a turtle that's only awake at night?

A noc-turtle

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A Green Beret walks into a Marine bar carrying a large snapping turtle under his arm...

All of the Marines go quiet.

The Green Beret sets the snapping turtle on the bar, pulls out his dick and taunts the turtle with it until it latches on.

He lifts the turtle off the bar with his dick, swings it around in a circle, spins it around, slams it back on to the bar and ...

How du you call a turtle with a good Fashionsense?

Donatello Versace.

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I love how the ninja turtles wear masks

Great way to hide your identity, it's not like you're a giant fucking turtle or something

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Post turtles.

An old farmer was getting his hand stitched up after an accident at his cattle farm.

He and the doctor start into conversation, which leads into politics.

The old farmer explained, "Well, as I see it, most politicians are 'Post Turtles'."

Not being familiar with the term, the do...

Once there were three turtles.

One day they decided to go on a picnic. When they got there, they realized they had forgotten the soda. The youngest turtle said he would go home and get it if they wouldn't eat the sandwiches until he got back. A week went by, then a month, finally a year, when the two turtles said,"oh, come on, le...

Courtesy of my five year old son... What do you get when a turtle and porcupine have a baby?

A slow poke!

What does the detective turtle on top of another turtle sais?

I'm on a hard case.

I was walking up town and saw two turtles get in a fight.

Someone called the cops, and when they showed up they asked the turtles what happened... The turtles said it all happend too fast.

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What does a turtle and a pedophile have in common?

They both want to get there before the hare does.

Where do homeless turtles go?

To the Shellter :)

I just went into my local bookstore and asked if they had any books on turtles...

“Hardback?”, asked the clerk.



“Yes, with cute little legs.” I said.

The Ninja Turtles went to a store to buy new weapons. Everyone got what they needed except for Raphael

They didn't have his sai's.

What did the seal say to the sea turtle?

Can you please scute?

What kind of phones do turtles use

Shell-ular phones.

Some people say that the earth is on a turtles back.

Can you imagine if it was on a pterodactyls back?
it would be a Terradactyl.
(edit: Grammar)

I guy finds a little turtle but he isn't sure how to look after it.

So he goes to the library and asks the librarian for a book on turtles.
She asks "Hardback?"
"Yes," he replies, "with a little head and beady eyes."

How do you call it when a turtle doesn't do what he's supposed to do?

Uh, reptile dysfunction.

What do you call a blind sea turtle?

A can’t see turtle

A man walks into a bar with a small turtle in his hand.

The turtle has one black eye, two of its legs are twisted horrifically and it's shell is duct taped together.

The bartender, about to tie his German Shepard to the counter, asks the man, "Is your turtle OK?,"

"Better than that," the man responds, "This turtle is incredibly fast. In fa...

What do you call a Turtle that does yoga?

Wakka Wakka U?

After a 10 day journey, the turtle family finally arrives to the picnic location...

Upon arrival, mama turtle realizes they forgot the ketchup.

“Junior, please go back and fetch the ketchup”

“No way! You’ll start without me”

“Don’t worry, we’ll wait for you”

“I don’t believe you”

“We promise not to start without you”

Reluctantly, Junior lea...

What do you call a turtle that surfs the dark web?

A TORtoise

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