When I was a little kid I had a pet turtle. Tiny little turtle, kept him in an aquarium. When i went to camp, the turtle died. When i got home, my dad lied to me. He said, "your turtle is live and well, it just went to go live with your mother." And i believed that til i was digging in the backyard

...found my mom's body.

Smh worst day of my life,
I loved that turtle

My favourite teacher at school was Mrs Turtle.

Strange name but she tortoise well.

What type of jokes do turtles like?

Shell-arious ones.

(My sister came up with this one, cut her some slack, she's seven)

I asked the librarian if she had any books on turtles..

"Hard back?" she inquired..

"Yes..." I replied. "And little heads"

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A Green Beret walks into a Marine bar carrying a large snapping turtle under his arm...

All of the Marines go quiet.

The Green Beret sets the snapping turtle on the bar, pulls out his dick and taunts the turtle with it until it latches on.

He lifts the turtle off the bar with his dick, swings it around in a circle, spins it around, slams it back on to the bar and ...

My high school teacher was a Turtle..

To this day, I remember everything he Tortoise!

Why couldn’t the turtle get his neck out of his shell?

Reptile Dysfunction

So this sloth reported a mugging by three turtles to the police...

...When asked what happened he said, “I don’t know officer, it all happened so fast!”

I went into a book store today and asked if they had any books about turtles.

The cashier said : “hardback?”

I said: “yeah and little heads”

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What do you get when you mix a turtle and female genitalia?

A clitortise

A man walks into a bar with his dog and sees another man sitting with his turtle

The man with the turtle is sitting with piles of cash in front of him.

The man with the dog is curious so he asks, "What's the deal with all the cash?"

The man with the turtle responds, "Well this here turtle is the fastest pet in the state. Ain't nobody else's pet faster than my turt...

I wonder what turtle tastes like?

It tastes like plastic.

Where do homeless turtles go?

To the Shellter :)

What did the seal say to the sea turtle?

Can you please scute?

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A turtle and a cat are gardening...

A turtle and a cat are gardening one day when the realize the need fertilizer. Their butler is too old to run the errand so they ask their friend rabbit to get it for them. Sure. After a couple hours the rabbit comes to his friends house and rings the doorbell. The butler answers. The rabbit asks...

A kid walk into a library and asks the librarian for a book on turtles.

Librarian replies, "Hard back?"

The kid, Yea, with little heads.

What do you call a turtle that's only awake at night?

A noc-turtle

What do you call a Turtle that does yoga?

Wakka Wakka U?

Three turtles decide to go on a picnic

Three turtles, Joe, Steve, and Poncho, decide to go on a picnic. Joe packs the picnic basket with cookies, bottled sodas, and sandwiches. The trouble is, the picnic site is 10 miles away, so the turtles take 10 whole days to get there.
By the time they do arrive, everyone's whipped and hungry. ...

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A man is sitting on the bank of a river with a turtle

And an officer from the fisheries board approached him. The officer says to the man "do you know it's illegal to poach turtles out of this river - they're an endangered species"?

The man says to the officer, "no this is my pet turtle. I bring
him down here everyday and let him go for a sw...

I was walking up town and saw two turtles get in a fight.

Someone called the cops, and when they showed up they asked the turtles what happened... The turtles said it all happend too fast.

I went to a fancy dress party carrying my girlfriend on my back, someone asked "What are you supposed to be?" I answered "A turtle" "Why?" they asked...

"That's Michelle" I said

Where do you find a turtle with no legs?

Wherever you left him.

What kind of phones do turtles use

Shell-ular phones.

Me: Doctor Doctor, whenever I wear this sweater I can't move my neck at fast speeds...

Doctor: It's turtleneck.

My 4 year old son just got me with a dad joke I hadn't heard before.

My son was playing with his teenage mutant ninja turtle action figures, and was making them fight each other.

Me: "Where are their weapons? Are they just fighting with their bare hands?"

Son: "No, they are fighting with their turtle hands."

Doesn't have a clue why I was laughin...

Courtesy of my five year old son... What do you get when a turtle and porcupine have a baby?

A slow poke!

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What do Sea Turtles and Kim Kardashians Ass have in common?

They're both filled with Plastic.

Do you think turtles live longer than humans because...

they live a shell-tered life?

A man goes to a costume party wearing nothing but his underwear and a woman on his back.

His friends see him and say, “Hey man, what are you supposed to be?”
He replies, “Oh, I’m dressed as a turtle.”
His friends respond, “A turtle? How are you a turtle? Who’s that woman on your back?”
The man replies, “Oh that’s just Michelle.”

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Florida highway maintenance crew

working on a road. All of a sudden, a worker grabs a shovel and beats the hell out of a turtle alongside the road.

"What the hell did you do that for?" cried one worker.

"Than son-of-a-bitch has been following us all day!"

Post turtle

An old rancher is talking about politics with a young man from the city. He compares a politician to a "post turtle". The young man doesn't understand and asks him what a post turtle is.

The old man says, "When you're driving down a country road and you see a fence post with a turtle balanced...

Some bloke just told me I have no culture

Just because I can name more ninja turtles than renaissance artists.

There are two turtles in a tank...

one says to the other, "how do you drive this thing?"

A man was known for throwing elaborate costume parties. [Long]

A successful lawyer and bachelor, he had a large home on the countryside where, once a year, he would welcome hundreds of guests to a gorgeous masquerade ball complete with a live band and exquisite catering. He would send out fancy invitations, and patrons would only be allowed into his party if th...

What does the detective turtle on top of another turtle sais?

I'm on a hard case.

I just went into my local bookstore and asked if they had any books on turtles...

“Hardback?”, asked the clerk.



“Yes, with cute little legs.” I said.

A man walks into a bar with a small turtle in his hand.

The turtle has one black eye, two of its legs are twisted horrifically and it's shell is duct taped together.

The bartender, about to tie his German Shepard to the counter, asks the man, "Is your turtle OK?,"

"Better than that," the man responds, "This turtle is incredibly fast. In fa...

A Turtle,Hippo, and Zebra are told to tell a joke to a Lion....

The Lion tells the three animals if he doesnt laugh at their jokes then he will kill them

The Turtle steps up and tells his joke, the Lion doesn't laugh, so he kills the Turtle

The Hippo, nervous, steps up and tells his joke, the Lion doesn't laugh, so he kills the Hippo

The Zeb...

Some people say that the earth is on a turtles back.

Can you imagine if it was on a pterodactyls back?
it would be a Terradactyl.
(edit: Grammar)

What do you call a porcupine riding a turtle?

A slow poke.

The Ninja Turtles went to a store to buy new weapons. Everyone got what they needed except for Raphael

They didn't have his sai's.

I guy finds a little turtle but he isn't sure how to look after it.

So he goes to the library and asks the librarian for a book on turtles.
She asks "Hardback?"
"Yes," he replies, "with a little head and beady eyes."

What do you call a turtle that surfs the dark web?

A TORtoise

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What do you call two turtles having sex?

A Slowpoke

What did the snail say on the turtle’s back?

Weeeeeeeeeeee!

Three women die in an accident together and go to heaven.

They meet god at the door, and he says "there is only one rule in heaven. Don't step on the turtles."

So they go in, and sure enough there are millions and millions of turtles on the ground, and it is near impossible not to step on one.

So the first woman accidentally steps on a turt...

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I love how the ninja turtles wear masks

Great way to hide your identity, it's not like you're a giant fucking turtle or something

I used to have a teacher called Miss Turtle,

funny looking woman but she tortoise well

What do you call a blind sea turtle?

A can’t see turtle

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Post turtles.

An old farmer was getting his hand stitched up after an accident at his cattle farm.

He and the doctor start into conversation, which leads into politics.

The old farmer explained, "Well, as I see it, most politicians are 'Post Turtles'."

Not being familiar with the term, the do...

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There was a group of animals on an island with no food.

There was an island filled with food across from the island the animals were, so they gathered around and decided to send the turtle to get food because he was the only animal that could swim.

30 minutes passes by and the lion starts talking trash about the turtle, saying how slow he was and ...

Once there were three turtles.

One day they decided to go on a picnic. When they got there, they realized they had forgotten the soda. The youngest turtle said he would go home and get it if they wouldn't eat the sandwiches until he got back. A week went by, then a month, finally a year, when the two turtles said,"oh, come on, le...

Timmy the Turtle...

Timmy the turtle climbed the tree with a glint in his and fierce determination. Finally, standing on the edge of a branch, he jumped and flapped his little legs as fiercely as he could. He hit the ground with a sickening thud and laid there for a few moments before heading back to the tree, blood st...

After a 10 day journey, the turtle family finally arrives to the picnic location...

Upon arrival, mama turtle realizes they forgot the ketchup.

“Junior, please go back and fetch the ketchup”

“No way! You’ll start without me”

“Don’t worry, we’ll wait for you”

“I don’t believe you”

“We promise not to start without you”

Reluctantly, Junior lea...

So a turtle gets mugged by two snails on his way home

When the police finally show up they ask the turtle,

"Mr. Turtle, tell us everything!"

The turtle responds with fear still in his eyes,

"I can't officer, it all happened so fast!"

How do you call it when a turtle doesn't do what he's supposed to do?

Uh, reptile dysfunction.

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My favorite clean joke

A young turtle is seen in the forest climbing up the trunk of a tree. It reaches the first sturdy branch of the tree and climbs out to the very end of it. At the end of the branch it hesitates for a minute before jumping off flailing its legs wildly tumbling end over end before smashing head first i...

I got attacked and mugged by a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle

I got Attacked and mugged by a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle.

Ironically, he wasn't wearing a mask, so I couldn't Idenitfy him.

The comments about Mitch McConnell looking like a turtle without a shell are particularly apt...

since he's clearly missing his spine.

What does a turtle and a pedophile have in common?

They both want to get there before the hare does.

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A Turtle, a Grasshopper, and a Centipede are Drinking Beers

A turtle, a grasshopper, and a centipede are all sitting together drinking beers. They run out of beers, and the grasshopper says, "alright who's going to go buy some more some more?"

The turtle says, "I'd go, but it'll take me forever."

The grasshopper says, "I'd go but by the time I ...

Did you hear the news? Turtle crime is on the rise...

It's true. Just last night a group of turtles snuck up and mugged a snail in the park. A team of detectives interviewed the snail for details on the event. They asked, "So what happened?" The snail answered, "I don't know, it all just happened so fast."

What do you call a ninja turtle with an addiction to pastries?

Donutello

Turtles are very efficient animals...

they come pre-packaged!

How many turtles does it take to screw in a light bulb

At least 2 but the trick is getting them in there in the first place

Three turtles

Three turtles decided to have a cup of coffee.
Just as they got into the cafe, it started to rain.
The biggest turtle said to the smallest one, "Go home and get the umbrella "
The little turtle replied " I'll, if you don't drink my coffee ".
"We won't " the other two promised.
Two ...

What did the snail say after he climbed onto the turtle's back?

"WEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE"

courtesy of my dad who tells this joke to everyone he meets

Why do turtles live so long?

In the race of life, they're dead last

A Priest, a Rabbi, a Nun, two gorillas, a leopard, a horse, two turtles, and a dragonfly walk into a bar.

Bartender yells, “What is this, some sort of joke?”

A woman walks into a costume party, dressed as a turtle.

As part of the costume, another woman was painted green ND attached to her back.

At the party, someone asked the woman "Who's that on you're back?"
To which they responded "That's Michelle".

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We were watching the Megan Fox Ninja Turtle movie with my son.

And my wife says, "There seems to be a lot of girls hanging from things in this."
I replied, "It's the classic damsel in distress storytelling." Then I whispered, "Plus girls never let go of shit."
We both laughed and she gave me permission to share it.

My pet turtle just died. He was tilted due to missing both his right legs, and he loved ring shaped pasta.

I'm really gonna miss turtellini.

Walking along a pond a heard a turtle ribbit

I guess you could say he has a reptile dysfunction

Trump is like a turtle on a pole.

You know he didn't get up there by himself, he doesn't belong up there, he doesn't know what to do while he's up there. He's elevated beyond his ability to function & you just wonder which idiots put him up there, in the first place.

what do u call a turtle running on a 9V rechargeable battery?

Dura-Shell

What kind of pictures do turtles take?

Shelfies

A turtle is sitting on the side of the road.

A turtle is sitting on the side of the road when a chicken hops up to him.
"Whatcha doin?" asks the chicken.
"My buddy's on the other side there, flipped on his back by some hooligans, and I'm waiting for a big enough break in traffic so I can get over there and help him."
"Why, I'd b...

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