Man goes in to a shoe shop and buys some tortoise skin shoes

Took him 3 hours to walk out of the shop

A tortoise was crossing the road, when two snails mugged him.

The police arrived and asked what the muggers looked like.

Shaken, the tortoise said "I don't know. It all happened so fast!"

The gun fight between the turtles and tortoises was barbaric!

Empty shells everywhere.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A wolf, a rabbit and a tortoise needed a drink.

They drew sticks and the tortoise came up short and had to go to the shop to get a bottle of Vodka.

An hour passed and the wolf and the rabbit got pretty pissed.

"This is too slow even for a slowpoke like him", said the wolf. "If I went, we would already be on our second bottle by now...

A Snail was admitted to the hospital because he got ran over by a tortoise.

Doctor: You’ve finally woke up! Can you tell us what happened?

Snail: I really have no idea it all happened so quickly!

A kid walks out in a Tortoise costume,why are you wearing that costume?”

Mother: why are you wearing that costume?

Kid: I’m going to that costume party

Mother: isn’t that next year?

Kid: yeah, but I’m a Tortoise...

The Tortoise challenged the Hare

The Tortoise said “race you home!”

The Hare began sprinting. The Tortoise retracted into his shell.

A family of Tortoise go on a picnic

A family of tortoise (Momma Tortoise, Daddy Tortoise, Uncle Tortoise, and Baby Tortoise) decide to go on a picnic. They pack up their hamper and begin their journey to the park.

A week later, they get to the park and unwrap their hamper and realize they've forgotten the salad dressing. They p...

Three tortoises go for a picnic

Three tortoises, Rodney, Roger and Gary, decide to go on a picnic.
Rodney packs the picnic basket with beer and sandwiches. The trouble is that the picnic site is 10 miles away. So, it takes them 10 days to get there.
When they get there Rodney unpacks the food and beer.
"Ok Gary give me th...

Snail and the Tortoise

Once a tortoise and a snail bumped into each other.
The snail was profusely injured and was taken to the hospital emergency.
When the snail was in a position to talk, he was surrounded by members of the press asking him
"Mr. Snail, could ypu please tell us how this happened?".
The snail...

One day a man decided to retire. He booked himself on a Caribbean cruise and proceeded to have the time of his life, that is, until the ship sank...

He soon found himself on an island with no other people, no supplies, nothing, only bananas and coconuts.

After about four months, he is lying on the beach one day when the most gorgeous woman he has ever seen rows up to the shore.

In disbelief, he asks, "Where did you come from? How d...

A tortoise beat up a snail pretty bad.

The snails two friends wanted revenge and so they asked him "do you recollect anything. His name, build, marks etc?"

The snail said "No I don't. It happened so fast:-("

At the watering hole, an elephant suddenly picked up a tortoise and flung it as far away as he could.

A lion asked, "Why'd you do that?" The elephant said, "That's the same one that bit me on the trunk 17 years ago last week." The lion said, "Wow. Amazing memory." The elephant said, "Sure. Turtle recall."

The hare and the tortoise

The hare and the tortoise were having a rematch. This time, they decided to race through Europe, starting with London. The plan was to race to Dover, get the ferry across, and go along the French coast, across Belgium, Germany, and head north through Denmark.

The hare figured that his fur wo...

Me and my son we're at the zoo...

And he asked me " those turtles are doing piggy backs" I knew it was time to have The Talk. So I said " Son those are tortoises"

An electrical fault at the zoo saw the entire tortoise population electrocuted.

It was a turtle disaster.

A lorry full of tortoises crashed into a trainload of terrapins,

What a turtle disaster.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you get when you cross a tortoise and a poop?

A turdle

How did the tortoise win the race?

He recruited dudes with some cross-hares.

In the classic story of the tortoise and the hare, what was the tortoise's name?

Winslow.

Why don't tortoises wear scarves?

They have turtlenecks

How is Sandusky like a tortoise?

He gets there before the hair...

My favourite teacher at school was Mrs. Turtle.

Strange name but she tortoise well.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do paedophiles and tortoises have in common?

What do paedophiles and tortoises have in common?

They both want to get there before the hair

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A kid trying to catch an STD

The police pick up a young kid at 2 am, in the red light district and ask him what he's doing

"Looking for a prostitute" "Why do you want to find a prostitute?" "So I can catch an STD!" "Why would you want to do that?"

"Well, if I can catch something, I'll sleep with my nanny and she'l...

The lion’s birthday is coming up and he wants entertainment.

So he tells the zebra to find the funniest animal in the whole kingdom. In order to do this the zebra decides to hold a competition in which animals will have to compete in front of a judge. Whoever the first one to makemake the judge laugh wins and will perform for the lion.

So the first thi...

Did you know turtles have the ability to understand puns?

I wish they would have tortoise that in school.

A mother Galapagos Finch has two chicks.

One day, she is resting in her nest with the youngest of her two chicks when her son says to her, “Mom, why does my brother’s beak look so much different than mine?”

“I was always worried you’d ask about that eventually,” replied the mother. “I might as well settle this now. What I’m about to...

What happens to a turtle when it dies?

It goes into riga-tortoise

The animal kingdom had become overpopulated.

The lion, being the head of the animal kingdom, made a decree: a joke telling contest would be held at the end of the week. The tortoise, unanimously agreed upon as being the fairest of all the animals, was appointed as the official judge. The rules were simple: tell your joke to the tortoise, and i...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A frog is born mute

A frog is born mute so he can’t make any noises that a frog typically makes because, well, he can’t make any noises at all. So naturally it’s very difficult for the frog to make friends with the other frogs and he ends up with just one friend; a tortoise who’s had the patience and the wherewithal to...

A naked man is walking down the street with a woman on his back...

A guy on the other side of the street yells at him, "Hey, what're you doing!?"

The naked man replies, "Don't get all upset. I'm headed to a costume party!"

"As what?" asks the guy.

"As a tortoise! Can't you tell?"

"Well, what's the woman doing on your back?"

"Oh, t...

A father was telling his son a bedtime story

“Once upon a time , there was a tortoise and a hare. The hare was boastful and bragged that he was the fastest of all the creatures. The tortoise then decided to challenge the hare to a race. So the two set a course, and the race began. The hare ran as fast as he could.....”

“Sorry Dad, but I...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The old farmer said, “ Well as I see it, Donald Trump is like a Post Tortoise”

The man, not being familiar with the term, asked what a ‘post tortoise’ was.

The farmer said, “When you’re driving down a county lane and you come across a fence post with a tortoise balanced on top, that’s a post tortoise.

The farmer saw the puzzled look on the man’s face so he cont...

Guy goes to a fancy dress party in a green jumpsuit carry a woman by piggy back.....

Doorman: You can't come in mate, you're not in fancy dress

Guy: Yes I am, I'm a tortoise

Doorman: well I can see you're wearing green, but what's with the woman on your back?

Guy: That's Michelle....

One of my best teachers in high school was a turtle.

I remember everything he tortoise.

The president is walking down a narrow hallway

Mitch McConnell was walking down the hallway in the same direction but, being half-tortoise, was moving far slower.

Trump pushes past him, shouting, "Get outta my way!"

McConnell says, "Pardon me, Mr. President."

Trump stops and turns around. "I didn't know you worked on my cam...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A bloke walks into a pet shop and places a bomb on the counter and says ” you’ve got one minute to get out”

A tortoise in the back shouts ” you bastard!”

A snail went to the police station to report that he had been mugged.

He said "I've been robbed by two tortoises"

The desk officer said "Can you describe the incident"

The snail replied "No not really it all happened so fast "

A guy turns up to a fancy dress party with nothing on but carrying a woman on his back,

When the host opens the door he asks “this is supposed to be a fancy dress party, what have you come as!?”
The guy replies “I’m a tortoise, this is Michelle”

I used to have a teacher called Miss Turtle,

funny looking woman but she tortoise well

We always called our teacher Turtle

Because he Tortoise (Taught us).


Told by my 7 year old boy, so be gentle.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The Tale Of Hare & Tortoise

Once there was a hare and a tortoise. Hare used to make fun of the tortoise about his speed. After getting fed up of all the remarks of hare, tortoise proposed a bet to race to finally conclude who is faster. Hare being confident in himself agreed to the bet. They both started the race from the agre...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What's the difference...

What's the difference between:

* a bunch of tortoises all going the same direction

> And

* A big pile of shit in the middle of the sidewalk?

---

One's a herd of turtles, and the other is a hurdle of turds!

A hare, turtle, and a centipede ran out of beer at a party..

Wanting to keep the party alive the tortoise hands the hare 50 dollars and says, "Here, take this to the store and buy more booze." "Wait! The hare is way too drunk to go to the store." The centipede said. The tortoise says, "I'm not gonna waste anymore time! I will go." The centipede stops the tort...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A guy goes to the cinema....

After doing a spot of shopping a guy decides to go the cinema, unfortunately for him he has just bought a pet tortoise and the cinema has a no pets policy. Not to be beaten the guy sticks the tortoise down the front of his pants and goes in to watch his film.

Just as the lights go down he unz...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A suicide bomber in a pet shop

A suicide bomber enters a pet shop and announces... "everybody has only one minute to get out of here..."

Tortoise: Fuck :-/

What do you call a turtle that surfs the dark web?

A TORtoise

Why did the zombie turtle have so much trouble dancing?

Rigor tortoise.

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.