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While stitching a cut on the hand of a 75 year old farmer, the doctor struck up a conversation with the old man.

Eventually the topic got around to Donald Trump and his role as the President. The old farmer said, " Well, as I see it, Donald Trump is like a 'Post Tortoise'.'' Not being familiar with the term, the doctor asked him what a 'post tortoise' was. The old farmer said, "When you're driving down a count...

A Snail was admitted to the hospital because he got ran over by a tortoise.

Doctor: You’ve finally woke up! Can you tell us what happened?

Snail: I really have no idea it all happened so quickly!

I went to the library and asked for a book about tortoises.

"It's over there," said the Librarian, "In the Hard Back section."

A lorry full of tortoises crashed into a trainload of terrapins,

What a turtle disaster.

The hare and the tortoise

The hare and the tortoise were having a rematch. This time, they decided to race through Europe, starting with London. The plan was to race to Dover, get the ferry across, and go along the French coast, across Belgium, Germany, and head north through Denmark.

The hare figured that his fur wo...

What do you call a tortoise that drives a car?

A motortoise

Three tortoises, Mick, Alan and Les, decide to go on a picnic.

So Mick packs the picnic basket with beer and sandwiches. The trouble is the picnic site is ten miles away so it takes them ten days to get there.

When they get there Mick unpacks the food and beer. "Ok Les Give me the bottle opener."

"I didn't bring it," says Les. "I thought you packe...

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What do you get when you cross a tortoise and a poop?

A turdle

What do paedophiles and tortoises have in common?

What do paedophiles and tortoises have in common?

They both want to get there before the hair

At the watering hole, an elephant suddenly picked up a tortoise and flung it as far away as he could.

A lion asked, "Why'd you do that?" The elephant said, "That's the same one that bit me on the trunk 17 years ago last week." The lion said, "Wow. Amazing memory." The elephant said, "Sure. Turtle recall."

The Tortoise challenged the Hare

The Tortoise said “race you home!”

The Hare began sprinting. The Tortoise retracted into his shell.

A family of Tortoise go on a picnic

A family of tortoise (Momma Tortoise, Daddy Tortoise, Uncle Tortoise, and Baby Tortoise) decide to go on a picnic. They pack up their hamper and begin their journey to the park.

A week later, they get to the park and unwrap their hamper and realize they've forgotten the salad dressing. They p...

A tortoise was mugged by two snails.

When asked what happened, he said "I don't know. It all happened so fast!"

How did the tortoise win the race?

He recruited dudes with some cross-hares.

What do Kevin Spacey and a Tortoise have in common?

They're both trying to get somewhere before the hare does

In the classic story of the tortoise and the hare, what was the tortoise's name?

Winslow.

A hare, turtle, and a centipede ran out of beer at a party..

Wanting to keep the party alive the tortoise hands the hare 50 dollars and says, "Here, take this to the store and buy more booze." "Wait! The hare is way too drunk to go to the store." The centipede said. The tortoise says, "I'm not gonna waste anymore time! I will go." The centipede stops the tort...

Tortoises's Birthday

All the animals in the jungle were gathered to celebrate the tortoises birthday. The lion suggested that the animals each tell their funniest joke to the tortoise so he could have a nice laugh. He also said that if their joke did not make the tortoise laugh, he would eat them. So the monkey went fir...

Why don't tortoises wear scarves?

They have turtlenecks

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The Tale Of Hare & Tortoise

Once there was a hare and a tortoise. Hare used to make fun of the tortoise about his speed. After getting fed up of all the remarks of hare, tortoise proposed a bet to race to finally conclude who is faster. Hare being confident in himself agreed to the bet. They both started the race from the agre...

A tortoise and a hare are at the park

The hare approaches the tortoise and asks him if he wants to race.

They agree to race to the nearest tree. The hare wins easily.

"Not fair! Let's go again," begged the tortoise.

They race again but this time to the river. The hare wins again.

"One more time," the tortoise...

How is Sandusky like a tortoise?

He gets there before the hair...

A father was telling his son a bedtime story

“Once upon a time , there was a tortoise and a hare. The hare was boastful and bragged that he was the fastest of all the creatures. The tortoise then decided to challenge the hare to a race. So the two set a course, and the race began. The hare ran as fast as he could.....”

“Sorry Dad, but I...

The animal kingdom had become overpopulated.

The lion, being the head of the animal kingdom, made a decree: a joke telling contest would be held at the end of the week. The tortoise, unanimously agreed upon as being the fairest of all the animals, was appointed as the official judge. The rules were simple: tell your joke to the tortoise, and i...

My favourite teacher at school was Mrs Turtle.

Strange name but she tortoise well.

A mother Galapagos Finch has two chicks.

One day, she is resting in her nest with the youngest of her two chicks when her son says to her, “Mom, why does my brother’s beak look so much different than mine?”

“I was always worried you’d ask about that eventually,” replied the mother. “I might as well settle this now. What I’m about to...

The snail and the tortoise

What did the snail say while riding on the back of the tortoise?


Wheeeee!!!!



--hey, at least it's a fun joke for kids!

One of my best teachers in high school was a turtle.

I remember everything he tortoise.

Gary is driving home from work and stops at a red light. At the crossing he sees his mate painted head to toe in green paint carrying a woman on his back.

'Hey Dave, what are you up to'

'Alright, Gary? Just off to a fancy dress party. I'm going as a tortoise'

'So who's that on your back?'

'That's just Michelle'

I saw a man walking down the road with a woman on his back

I said "where are you going?"

He replied "Fancy dress party"

"What as?" I asked

"Tortoise" the man shouted back

"Who's she?" I questioned

To which he responded "That's Michelle"

Me and my son we're at the zoo...

And he asked me " those turtles are doing piggy backs" I knew it was time to have The Talk. So I said " Son those are tortoises"

The president is walking down a narrow hallway

Mitch McConnell was walking down the hallway in the same direction but, being half-tortoise, was moving far slower.

Trump pushes past him, shouting, "Get outta my way!"

McConnell says, "Pardon me, Mr. President."

Trump stops and turns around. "I didn't know you worked on my cam...

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A frog is born mute

A frog is born mute so he can’t make any noises that a frog typically makes because, well, he can’t make any noises at all. So naturally it’s very difficult for the frog to make friends with the other frogs and he ends up with just one friend; a tortoise who’s had the patience and the wherewithal to...

I used to have a teacher called Miss Turtle,

funny looking woman but she tortoise well

A guy goes to a fancy dress party and one of the guests says to him “what have you come as, and why is your wife on your back?”

He replies “I’m a tortoise and that’s Michelle”

One day a man decided to retire...

He booked himself on a Caribbean cruise and
proceeded to have the time of his life, that is, until the ship sank.

He soon finds himself on an island with no other
people, no supplies, nothing, only bananas and coconuts.

After about four months, he is lying on the beach one ...

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A bloke walks into a pet shop and places a bomb on the counter and says ” you’ve got one minute to get out”

A tortoise in the back shouts ” you bastard!”

A snail went to the police station to report that he had been mugged.

He said "I've been robbed by two tortoises"

The desk officer said "Can you describe the incident"

The snail replied "No not really it all happened so fast "

A naked man is walking down the street with a woman on his back...

A guy on the other side of the street yells at him, "Hey, what're you doing!?"

The naked man replies, "Don't get all upset. I'm headed to a costume party!"

"As what?" asks the guy.

"As a tortoise! Can't you tell?"

"Well, what's the woman doing on your back?"

"Oh, t...

What do you call a turtle that surfs the dark web?

A TORtoise

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A guy goes to the cinema....

After doing a spot of shopping a guy decides to go the cinema, unfortunately for him he has just bought a pet tortoise and the cinema has a no pets policy. Not to be beaten the guy sticks the tortoise down the front of his pants and goes in to watch his film.

Just as the lights go down he unz...

i went to a bookshop

And asked for a book about tortoises. The woman asked "hardback?"

I said "yeah, and little heads."

We always called our teacher Turtle

Because he Tortoise (Taught us).


Told by my 7 year old boy, so be gentle.

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Why does the ejaculating turtle appear to be getting larger?

It's cumming tortoise

Why did the zombie turtle have so much trouble dancing?

Rigor tortoise.

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