UPJOKE
perfumecosmeticsshampoomouthwashmoisturizerodortoiletryunderarmmuminventorphiladelphiapennsylvaniadetergentcreamstoothpaste

I bought a new deodorant stick today. The instructions said remove the wrapper and push up bottom

I can hardly walk but when I fart the room smells lovely!

I can't believe my unscented deodorant really smells like nothing.

That's nonsense!

Lily went to a nearby pharmacy to buy her partner some deodorant.

A salesclerk comes up to her and asks what she's looking for.

"I'm looking for some deodorant for my boyfriend, but I don't know what kind he uses."

"Is it the ball type?"

"No," she replied. "It's for his armpits."

How do you remember to put on deodorant every morning?

I don't know but you probably shouldn't come near me

I accidentally sprayed deodorant in my mouth...

Now when I talk, I got this weird axe scent.

A blonde walks into a pharmacy and asks for bottom deodorant.

The assistant, a little bemused, explains to the woman they have never sold bottom deodorant. The blonde, unfazed, assures the lady behind the counter, that she has been buying the stuff from here on a regular basis, and would like some more.

The shop assistant thinks for a minute, knowing fu...

I went to the shop and asked for some deodorant.

The shopkeeper asked "ball or aerosol?"


I said "no it's for my armpit."

My ex dumped me because I never repaid her for the deodorant she bought me.

I odour a lot of money.

I wear women’s deodorant but don’t tell anyone.

It’s Secret

What deodorant does Paul Maud'dib use?

...Old Spice

An Irish man goes to buy deodorant.

"Stick or aerosol?" The cashier asks him.

"It's fer me armpits," he replies.

I think it’s a good idea to wear two different deodorants, one under each armpit.

But that’s just my two scents.

Types of deodorant

I went to store and asked for some deodorant.

The cashier asked "Do you want the roll on ball type?"

I said "No thanks, I want it for under my arms."

Axe should make a deodorant called "English."

Then if you wear it you can say you have an "English Axe scent."

What is a dinosaurs favourite deodorant

REXona

I’d been stealing my wife’s deodorants for months before I got caught.

She said “please stop keeping Secrets from me”

Pregnant woman on a bus...

A lady about 8 months pregnant got on a bus she noticed the man opposite her was smiling at her.

She immediately moved to another seat. This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again.

The man seemed more amused. And each time she switched seats, the man got increasingly am...

What's the H.P. wizarding world's most popular deodorant?

Ex-Smelly-Armus

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Anal Deodorant

A guy goes into a pharmacy and asks the assistant behind the counter "Can you tell me where the anal deodorant is please?"

The assistant looks confused and says "I'm sorry sir, I don't think we stock that".

"Are you sure?" he says, "I'm nearly certain I got my last stick of it from her...

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Thieves had broken into my house and stolen everything except my soap, shower gel, towels and deodorant.

Those dirty bastards.

I worked at a deodorant factory once

Until they canned my job

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People who hoard toilet paper should also be hoarding deodorant and perfume...

Because when you're a little shit, wiping yourself will not be enough to mask the stench.

One time I ate a bar of deodorant.

Nothing weird happened except I got a weird *accent*.

I'm going to be giving up aerosol deodorant in the new year.

Roll on 2020.

I caught my girlfriend using my deodorant again

Whatever, it can be our secret.

What do you call a person who sprays deodorant at people and chokes them?

An axe murderer

Why won’t the mother deodorant let her daughter carry a bag?

Because she is an anti-purse-parent.

I don't know why people use odorless deodorant

It makes no scents!

{air horn sound}

{second air horn sound}

Me: “this isn’t deodorant”

Sent a couple of suggestions to a deodorant company this morning

Just putting my two scents in

My wife’s dog got to where it wouldn’t listen to her.

So she took it to the vet. The vet said no wonder it won’t listen I’ve never seen that much hair in a dogs ears. He clipped some out and said goto the pharmacy and buy a bottle of nair hair remover.

Put a little on a qtip and rub back in there and that’ll take care of the problem.

So...

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Wise words and thoughts.

As I’ve grown older, I’ve learned that pleasing everyone is impossible, but pissing everyone off is a piece of cake.

I’m responsible for what I say, not what you understand.

Common sense is like deodorant. The people who need it the most never use it.

My tole...

My New Year’s resolution is to stop using aerosol deodorant.

Roll on 2019

My douchebag nephew puts on loads of deodorant and I have a hard time understanding him.

He has too strong of an axe scent.

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A pregnant woman boards a bus. After taking a seat, she notices a man smiling at her. She feels self-conscious and changes her seat, but he seems even more amused. She moves a third time, and he starts to giggle. On her fourth move, he bursts out laughing.

They both get off the bus at the next stop. The pregnant woman is furious and demands an explanation. "What exactly is so damn funny?" "I'm sorry, ma'am," replies the giggling man. "But I couldn't help noticing you're pregnant, and when you first sat down, you sat under an advertisement which read '...

What kind of deodorant do dwarves use?

They don't like to choose but when they do they pickaxe

A friend of mine came up to me earlier and asked if I wore deodorant

I told him it was a *Secret*

My Wife found out that our Dog (a Schnauzer) could hardly hear, so she took it to the Veterinarian.......

The Vet found that the problem was Hair in the Dog's Ears.

He cleaned both ears, and the Dog could then hear fine.

The Vet then proceeded to tell Andrea that, if she wanted to keep this from recurring, she should go to the store and get some "Veet" hair remover and rub it in the Dog's ...

In my opinion guys should only us two fragrances of Old Spice deodorant...

Fuji or Timber...

but that's just my two scents.

My deodorant is called "state's evidence"...

Part of the Wetness Protection program.

Have you heard of the new deodorant called umpire?

It's for foul balls!

Common sense

It is like deodorant. Those who need it the most don’t have it.

I happily dad joked my fiancé

While on her way to work, she texted me saying she only put deodorant on one side.

To which I replied, "At least you won't smell half bad!"

My dad’s favourite joke (he always does this with the accents)

An Englishman in Sweden goes to the chemist:

Englishman - "I’d like to buy deodorant please" Swedish chemist - "Ball or aerosol?"
Englishman - “No, armpits"

An Australian enters a chemist.

He walks up and tells the chick behind the counter,

"Yeah I'm looking for some deodorant."

She says "OK, ball or aerosol?"

He looks at her a little confused...

"Nah armpits"

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A man goes to the doctor because he smells bad

Doctor: What seems to be the problem

Man: (a little embarrassed) I just smell really bad

Doctor takes a step closer: Wow, you really do smell bad

Man: I shower every day, I wear deodorant, my clothes are clean. I don't know what else to do.

Doctor: Do you have any other s...

The best dog joke ever - credit to Sir Les Patterson

Woman takes her dog to the vet because it's having hearing problems.

The vet says "Its because it has so much hair in it's ears. Once a month, get some Nair and spread it in it's ears, it'll keep the hair growth down."

Sure enough the woman goes to the pharmacy to get some Nair, and w...

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Redneck book of manners.....

1. Never take a beer to a job interview.


2. Always identify people in your yard before shooting at them.


3. It's considered poor taste to take a cooler to church.


4. If you have to vacuum the bed, it is time to change the sheets.


5. Even if you're ...

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Ralph, the department store parrot

During its hayday, Goldfinches was a glorious department store, with gorgeous decorations, including a Aviary centerpiece, where Ralph held court. You see, Ralph had a special ability to detect what people wanted by their appearance, and he would tell them where to look for the thing they needed....

Lady brings Muffy to the Vet

Lady goes to the vet with Muffy, who has a large hairy growth emanating from her posterior.

"Doctor, can you do anything about that big hairy growth there?"

Vet says, "No problem, here's a prescription for some ointment, just rub it on the hairy growth and it'll be gone in no time at a...

A dignified matron notices that although her dog is affectionate,

he no longer comes when she calls him. Worried that something might be wrong, she takes him to the vet.

The vet examines the dog and says, "He's fine, it's just that his ear canals are blocked by fur, so he can't hear you. I can trim it near the surface, but it's also growing farther down i...

Unpacking my bag after arriving at the hotel in Spain and realise I forgot to pack my toiletries bag...

After the long flight I desperately needed some stuff from my bag so without hesitation went to the closest shop. I asked the Spanish man behind the counter if he had any deodorant, he replied in a broken English accent “ball or aerosol” confused I said “no no just for my armpits please”

Warning labels are stupid.

I bought some deodorant and it said on the can, "Avoid contact with eyes" TOO LATE, I'd already seen it

What do you call a febreeze spraying ant?

Deodorant

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A blonde goes to her chemist..

A blonde goes to her chemist. She's quite embarrassed, so goes to quite a length to get the chemist by themselves. She whispers to the pharmacist, 'I need some more anal deodorant.'

The pharmacist, quite confused, says, 'I'm sorry ma'am, what was that?'

"I need some anal deodorant!" lo...

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The German Plumber.

Yesterday as I was taking my morning shower at 7:00am, it stopped half way through when I was putting my shampoo in my hair, great, so I wiped it out with a towel. I called a man after I came back from work around 5pm. The man, at first, sounded French but with almost an American accent, probably si...

A woman takes her dog for a walk in the snow...

A woman takes her dog for a walk in the snow. When she gets home, she sees that his paws are frozen solid, and caked with ice! The next day she takes her dog to the vet, and asks
"can you shave my dog's paws so that snow doesn't get stuck in his fur?" The vet responds
"Shaving isn...

A man walks into a Swedish chemist shop.....

... and asks for some deodorant. The shopkeeper says 'ball or aerosol?' The man answers 'neither, I want it for my armpits.

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