UPJOKE
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How do you remember to put on deodorant every morning?

I don't know but you probably shouldn't come near me

I bought a new deodorant yesterday. The instructions said "Remove cap and push up bottom"

It hurt like hell, but my farts smell great.

I accidently sprayed deodorant in my mouth today

Now when I talk I have this weird axe scent

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Thieves had broken into my house and stolen everything except my soap, shower gel, towels and deodorant.

Those dirty bastards.

A man walks into a store to buy deodorant

The clerk asks: "Would you like the ball deodorant?"

"No thanks, it's for my armpits."

A blonde walks into a pharmacy and asks for bottom deodorant.

The assistant, a little bemused, explains to the woman they have never sold bottom deodorant. The blonde, unfazed, assures the lady behind the counter, that she has been buying the stuff from here on a regular basis, and would like some more.

The shop assistant thinks for a minute, knowing fu...

got a new stick of deodorant today….

The instructions said : Remove cap and push up bottom.


I can barely walk but whenever I fart the room smells lovely.

I think it's best to wear two different deodorants, one for each armpit

But that's just my two scents

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I'm going to a deodorant party this weekend...

Roll on Saturday!

Types of deodorant

I went to store and asked for some deodorant.

The cashier asked "Do you want the roll on ball type?"

I said "No thanks, I want it for under my arms."

{air horn sound}

{second air horn sound}

Me: “this isn’t deodorant”

Have you heard of the new deodorant called umpire?

It's for foul balls!

Pregnant woman on a bus...

A lady about 8 months pregnant got on a bus she noticed the man opposite her was smiling at her.

She immediately moved to another seat. This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again.

The man seemed more amused. And each time she switched seats, the man got increasingly am...

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A pregnant woman boards a bus. After taking a seat, she notices a man smiling at her. She feels self-conscious and changes her seat, but he seems even more amused. She moves a third time, and he starts to giggle. On her fourth move, he bursts out laughing.

They both get off the bus at the next stop. The pregnant woman is furious and demands an explanation. "What exactly is so damn funny?" "I'm sorry, ma'am," replies the giggling man. "But I couldn't help noticing you're pregnant, and when you first sat down, you sat under an advertisement which read '...

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Anal Deodorant

A guy goes into a pharmacy and asks the assistant behind the counter "Can you tell me where the anal deodorant is please?"

The assistant looks confused and says "I'm sorry sir, I don't think we stock that".

"Are you sure?" he says, "I'm nearly certain I got my last stick of it from her...

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My gf asked me what I wanted for my birthday, and when I said "a threesome" she got me a sweater

The sex was fun but she definitely could've used deodorant.

I happily dad joked my fiancé

While on her way to work, she texted me saying she only put deodorant on one side.

To which I replied, "At least you won't smell half bad!"

Axe should make a deodorant called "English."

Then if you wear it you can say you have an "English Axe scent."

My ex dumped me because I never repaid her for the deodorant she bought me.

I odour a lot of money.

Lily went to a nearby pharmacy to buy her partner some deodorant.

A salesclerk comes up to her and asks what she's looking for.

"I'm looking for some deodorant for my boyfriend, but I don't know what kind he uses."

"Is it the ball type?"

"No," she replied. "It's for his armpits."

My wife’s dog got to where it wouldn’t listen to her.

So she took it to the vet. The vet said no wonder it won’t listen I’ve never seen that much hair in a dogs ears. He clipped some out and said goto the pharmacy and buy a bottle of nair hair remover.

Put a little on a qtip and rub back in there and that’ll take care of the problem.

So...

I wear women’s deodorant but don’t tell anyone.

It’s Secret

One time I ate a bar of deodorant.

Nothing weird happened except I got a weird *accent*.

What's the H.P. wizarding world's most popular deodorant?

Ex-Smelly-Armus

I caught my girlfriend using my deodorant again

Whatever, it can be our secret.

What deodorant does Paul Maud'dib use?

...Old Spice

My unscented deodorant really smells like nothing.

That's nonsense!

I worked at a deodorant factory once

Until they canned my job

I don't know why people use odorless deodorant

It makes no scents!

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People who hoard toilet paper should also be hoarding deodorant and perfume...

Because when you're a little shit, wiping yourself will not be enough to mask the stench.

What kind of deodorant do dwarves use?

They don't like to choose but when they do they pickaxe

After I got COVID I threw out all my soap and deodorants and I only shower once a week.

That's because my doctor said I wouldn't smell anymore.

Sent a couple of suggestions to a deodorant company this morning

Just putting my two scents in

What do you call a person who sprays deodorant at people and chokes them?

An axe murderer

I’d been stealing my wife’s deodorants for months before I got caught.

She said “please stop keeping Secrets from me”

Why won’t the mother deodorant let her daughter carry a bag?

Because she is an anti-purse-parent.

My New Year’s resolution is to stop using aerosol deodorant.

Roll on 2019

I'm giving up spray deodorants for the new year

Roll on 2017

A friend of mine came up to me earlier and asked if I wore deodorant

I told him it was a *Secret*

My douchebag nephew puts on loads of deodorant and I have a hard time understanding him.

He has too strong of an axe scent.

In my opinion guys should only us two fragrances of Old Spice deodorant...

Fuji or Timber...

but that's just my two scents.

Common sense

It is like deodorant. Those who need it the most don’t have it.

I met an old friend yesterday

He moved a couple of years back and I could clearly tell he had changed. His voice had changed and he had a cheap deodorant. He used to allways wear those expensive collones. We were talking for a good while, life in general and how we were doing, but the entire conversation I couldn't wrap my head ...

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Ant

1. 5 ants + 5 ants = Tenants
2. To bring an ant from another country into your country = Important
3. Ant that goes to school = Brilliant
4. Ant that is looking for a job = Applicant
5. A spy ant = Informant
6. A very little ant = Infant
7. An ant that uses a gun = Militant
8. ...

My dad’s favourite joke (he always does this with the accents)

An Englishman in Sweden goes to the chemist:

Englishman - "I’d like to buy deodorant please" Swedish chemist - "Ball or aerosol?"
Englishman - “No, armpits"

A lady goes to the store to get a hair trimmer for her dog

..as she's browsing a clerk comes along and says "If you're using it on you're underarms, don't spray on deodorant for a few hours it will sting a lot." She says "No it's not for my underarms."

The clerk says "Well if you're doing your legs, don't wear pantyhose for a day, it can irritate you...

An Australian enters a chemist.

He walks up and tells the chick behind the counter,

"Yeah I'm looking for some deodorant."

She says "OK, ball or aerosol?"

He looks at her a little confused...

"Nah armpits"

My Wife found out that our Dog (a Schnauzer) could hardly hear, so she took it to the Veterinarian.......

The Vet found that the problem was Hair in the Dog's Ears.

He cleaned both ears, and the Dog could then hear fine.

The Vet then proceeded to tell Andrea that, if she wanted to keep this from recurring, she should go to the store and get some "Veet" hair remover and rub it in the Dog's ...

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A blonde goes to her chemist..

A blonde goes to her chemist. She's quite embarrassed, so goes to quite a length to get the chemist by themselves. She whispers to the pharmacist, 'I need some more anal deodorant.'

The pharmacist, quite confused, says, 'I'm sorry ma'am, what was that?'

"I need some anal deodorant!" lo...

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A man goes to the doctor because he smells bad

Doctor: What seems to be the problem

Man: (a little embarrassed) I just smell really bad

Doctor takes a step closer: Wow, you really do smell bad

Man: I shower every day, I wear deodorant, my clothes are clean. I don't know what else to do.

Doctor: Do you have any other s...

What do you call a febreeze spraying ant?

Deodorant

The best dog joke ever - credit to Sir Les Patterson

Woman takes her dog to the vet because it's having hearing problems.

The vet says "Its because it has so much hair in it's ears. Once a month, get some Nair and spread it in it's ears, it'll keep the hair growth down."

Sure enough the woman goes to the pharmacy to get some Nair, and w...

Warning labels are stupid.

I bought some deodorant and it said on the can, "Avoid contact with eyes" TOO LATE, I'd already seen it

Unpacking my bag after arriving at the hotel in Spain and realise I forgot to pack my toiletries bag...

After the long flight I desperately needed some stuff from my bag so without hesitation went to the closest shop. I asked the Spanish man behind the counter if he had any deodorant, he replied in a broken English accent “ball or aerosol” confused I said “no no just for my armpits please”

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Wise words and thoughts.

As I’ve grown older, I’ve learned that pleasing everyone is impossible, but pissing everyone off is a piece of cake.

I’m responsible for what I say, not what you understand.

Common sense is like deodorant. The people who need it the most never use it.

My tole...

Lady brings Muffy to the Vet

Lady goes to the vet with Muffy, who has a large hairy growth emanating from her posterior.

"Doctor, can you do anything about that big hairy growth there?"

Vet says, "No problem, here's a prescription for some ointment, just rub it on the hairy growth and it'll be gone in no time at a...

A woman takes her dog for a walk in the snow...

A woman takes her dog for a walk in the snow. When she gets home, she sees that his paws are frozen solid, and caked with ice! The next day she takes her dog to the vet, and asks
"can you shave my dog's paws so that snow doesn't get stuck in his fur?" The vet responds
"Shaving isn...

A dignified matron notices that although her dog is affectionate,

he no longer comes when she calls him. Worried that something might be wrong, she takes him to the vet.

The vet examines the dog and says, "He's fine, it's just that his ear canals are blocked by fur, so he can't hear you. I can trim it near the surface, but it's also growing farther down i...

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