What do you call it when perfume makers try to take over the world?

Cologneialism

What do you call perfume that doesn’t smell?

Nonsense.

Coco Chanel once said that you should put perfume on places where you want to be kissed by a man.

But hell does that burn!

I want to open a perfume store...

I'd call it: "Common Scents."

Why do women wear perfume and makeup?

Because they're ugly and they stink

*Shout outs to my neighbor's eight year old

I once saw a priest get hit in the face by a perfume burner during mass.

The priest was incensed.

I went to the perfume store and asked the guy there, "Penny for your thoughts?"

He replied, "I'm quite sorry, sir, but I only have scents."

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Got my wife’s Christmas presents, perfume and a dildo...

If she doesn’t like the perfume she can go fuck herself!

If your man comes home late at night smelling of strange perfume...

You're probably getting perfume for Christmas.

Why did the alien pre-emptively put perfume on before boarding the human spaceship?

Because the ship had Musk written all over it

Did you hear about the new perfume with no smell?

It doesn't make sense.

I think with the recent success of Elon musk’s “not a flamethrower” sales he should consider moving into a different market maybe perfumes

He could call his first brand Elon’s musk

I've just invented a perfume made from holy water.

Eau my God

What’s a $2100 perfume?

A Scent of Pride and Accomplishment

A sweet young girl walks into an elevator at Macy's, trailing a cloud of expensive perfume.

She brags to the elderly woman who was inside, Coco Chanel $900 per ounce.

The lift reaches the second floor where the old lady is about to get off. As she steps out of the elevator, she rips out a rumbling fart. Trailing a heavy cloud, she smiles sweetly and announces, broccoli, 49 cents a p...

I told my dad that I wanted to be a perfume manufacturer.

He replied "That makes scents."

Did you guys hear the one about the perfume factory that went out of business?

Nevermind, it doesn't really make scents anymore

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father son joke

A little boy and his friends are being called bastards and bitches by bullies at school. The boy goes home and asks, "Dad, what are bastards and bitches?" And his dad replies, "Bitches are ladies and bastards are gentlemen." Then the boy goes upstairs to see his mom. As he enters the room, he accide...

Expensive perfume

A young and beautiful woman gets into the elevator, smelling like expensive perfume.
She turns to the old Italian woman on the elevator with her and says arrogantly, "Giorgio - Beverly Hills, $100 an ounce!"
Another young and beautiful woman gets on the elevator and also smells of ve...

Celebrities who release perfumes...

Have they no scents of shame?

Did you hear about the person who spent over £1 million in the perfume shop?

They had more money than scents.

Have you heard about Beyoncé's new perfume line,

Beyotch?

All my life I've refused to wear perfume.

But then an aggressive perfume-salesperson knocked some scents into me.

SWEET PERFUME

A high class looking woman sat down next to me on the train. I took in a breath and asked aloud, 'What's that smell?'
She turned to me, looked down her nose and said, 'Chanel, 500 dollars an ounce." She turned away.
About 10 minutes later, I let out a silent fart. She turns to me and asks ,Wh...

Did you hear about the lazy perfume-maker?

He made no scents.

My wife got really angry when I spent a lot of money on a make-your-own perfume kit

...but it made scents to me

A robber broke into a perfume store...

He raided the register and stole everything in the store, he took every last scent.

After traveling on business, Tim thinks it would be nice to bring his girlfriend a little gift.

“How about some perfume?” he asks the cosmetics clerk. She shows him a fifty-dollar bottle.

​

“That’s a bit much,” says Tim, so she returns with a smaller bottle for thirty dollars.

​

“That’s still quite a bit,” Tim complains. Growing annoyed, the cl...

An old woman is

Riding in an elevator in a very lavish building in New York City. The elevator stops, and the doors open. A young and beautiful woman smelling of expensive perfume gets on. The young woman haughtily sneers at the old woman and says, “Romance” by Ralph Lauren. 150 dollars an ounce!”

The old w...

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A student goes to talk to his professor about his grade.

The student comes up to the professor, "What is this, why did you grade me an 80?"

The professor looks at the exam again, "Yep, an 80 is what you deserve"

The student takes the exam back, and asks "If I'll bite my own eye, will you give me an 85?" The professor is surprised, but still ...

Long

A mother-in-law stopped by unexpectedly the recently married couple's house. She knocks on the door, then immediately walks in. She is shocked to see her daughter-in-law lying on the couch, totally naked.

"What are you doing?" she asked.

"I'm waiting for Jeff to come home from work," ...

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NSFW Stupid frog

This woman goes to a pet store to purchase some dog food. She puts the bag of food up on the counter and notices a box full of frogs. She reads the sign on the box...and it says...."Snatch Eating Frogs..$20 each (comes with instructions)" She looks around to see if anybody's watching her and whisper...

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In that case the wife needs to apologize...

A woman gets home and finds the husband, in bed, with another woman, 25 years old, pretty, nice curves... She was mad, and she did everything to show it, but the husband interrupts her:

 

-You should first listen to how this all happened... I found this young lady in the stree...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Three old guys are sitting on a park bench,

the first says 'I remember I used to be able to see all the pretty girls go by here. . . now . . . not so much.' The second old guy says 'Yah, it's the vision, it goes, it goes -- but me, I remember being able to smell their perfume as they passed' The first old guy says back 'Yah, it's the sense of...

My love, you remind me the sea...

Why? is it because of my beautiful blue eyes reminding you the ocean's water?

No

I know, it's because of my curly hair, reminds you the waves.

Not really.

So it's my perfume? reminds you that fresh air near the beach?

Nope.

So what is it then?

You mak...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I'm starting to get self-conscious about my body odour...

On my last two dates the woman has sprayed me with perfume before we had sex.

I can't quite place the brand but it had a distinct sharp peppery smell

Sherlock Irritates Watson

A confirmed bachelor, Sherlock Holmes did not have a lack of admirers willing to satisfy all his carnal needs, but yet he chose to be single, which irritated Watson to no end. As a sidekick, Watson did not get to enjoy the constant fawning of young nubile flesh willing to submit to his every wish. O...

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A woman asks her most understanding friend for advice before her date.

Her friend asks what she thinks the problem in her love life is.

"Well, they tend to leave as soon as I start talking about politics. It's a part of my identity and I just can't help it."

The friend advises her to say everything in her head and judge whether it's political before sayin...

How to get new business

A guy walks into a post office one day to see a middle-aged, balding man standing at the counter methodically placing "Love" stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them. He then takes out a perfume bottle and starts spraying scent all over them. His curiosity gets the better of him and...

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The difference between "guts" and "balls" according to the British military.

There is a medical distinction between “Guts” and “Balls”, according to the British military. We've heard colleagues referring to people with “Guts”, or with “Balls”.

Do they, however, know the difference between them? Here’s the official distinction; straight from the British Medical Journal...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A police officer catches Dave duck-hunting, checks to make sure he has the right license.

So Dave went hunting in the woods, one day, and ***BAM!***, shot a duck.

A bored, nearby trooper waiting in his patrol car near the highway hears the gunshot, gets out, and runs into the woods to find Dave holding the duck.

The trooper yells, pointing at Dave, "You stop right there! L...

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A bank robber and her husband were being chased by the police

A bank robber and her husband were being chased by the police

In order to shake off the heat, the couple rushed into a Victoria's secret to blend in with the crowd and hide.

By the time two officers had shown up, the weird looks and perfume that everyone was berating them with were inc...

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[NSFW] Skilled Frog

A woman walked into a pet store one day to get some supplies. She went up to the cash register to pay for them and she saw a sign next to a small fish tank that said, "Pussy eating frogs - $50. So not to be embarrassed she whispered to the cashier, "I'll take one of those." The cashier said, "Ok, no...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A Couple has their 60th anniversary....

So, at nighttime, the wife gets ready for bed, takes a bath, puts on perfume and a seethrough babydoll. Nothing underneath. She lets her long grey hair open over her shoulders. The husband walks in. Very shy she says: On our wedding night, 60 years ago to this day, it was the first time you saw me n...

A lady walks into a perfumery and asks for the perfumer for his finest fragrance.

"Doobie woobie blue bop", says the perfumer.

Confused she looks around and notices that all of the bottles on the shelves are empty. "Do you keep them in the back?" she asks

"Flim flam flibidy blam", says the perfumer.

The lady sniffs the air, then looks at him strangely and as...

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S&M Women

Three women friends, one in a casual relationship, one engaged to be married and one a long\-time wife, met for drinks after work.

The conversation drifted towards how best to spice up their sex lives. After much discussion, they decided to surprise their men by engaging in some S&M role...

[Long] A German, Frenchman, and Russian board a small plane from Madrid to Moscow.

A German, Frenchman, and Russian board a small plane from Madrid to Moscow. Shortly after takeoff the Frenchman opens the window and sticks his hand out.

Then he brings his hand back in, sniffs it, and proclaims "We are above France right now!" The German and Russian ask him how he knows thi...

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Truth will set you free.

A boss had an affair for the first time with his secretary. They spent time in his office till late at night. They had wild sex and when they were done, the secretary turned to him and said, it is late and you are all messed up, your wife will take one look at you and realize what we did.

Do...

Two blondes [NSFW]

One day two blondes walk into a perfume shop. The one blonde picks up a bottle of perfume that is titled "Viens Chez Moi."

The blonde asks the manager what it means, and the manager says it means, "Come to Me."

So the blonde smells the perfume and asks her friend, "Does this smell like...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

‘‘Twas the night before Christmas

Twas the night before Christmas, and God it was neat
The kids were both gone, and my wife was in heat
The doors were all bolted, and the phone off the hook
It was time for some nooky, by hook or by crook.
Momma in her teddy, and I in the nude. Had just hit the bedroom and reached for the...

The Grumpy Pharmacist

Upon arriving home, a husband was met at the door by his sobbing wife. Tearfully she explained, "It's the pharmacist. He insulted me terribly this morning on the phone. I had to call multiple times before he would even answer the phone."

Immediately, the husband drove downtown to confront the...

A Blonde woman had a christmas fantasy

She had a dream of doing santa claus, and so in the 24th she got all dressed up with lingerie, and put some perfume as well, by the time Santa was there, she asked if he wanted something "special", he replied "thank you, but I must deliever other presents".Not convinced, she took off her panties and...

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Rich Man vs Poor Man's Anniversary Gift to Wife

Two married men - one rich, one poor - are walking down the street having a chat and discover they both have upcoming wedding anniversaries. When the topic of what gift to get their wives arises, the rich man says he's going to buy his wife a diamond ring and a Mercedes. The poor man inquires why...

Now that I have quit smoking i see more and more each day how its like an old relationship...

You smell her perfume, see her out with another man
and all you can think of is the good times and
not how she took part of your life away.

Husband's night out

An angry housewife met her husband at the front door and immediately noticed he smelled of alcohol and perfume.

"I assume," she said with her most acidic sarcasm, "That there must be a very good reason for your coming home at six o'clock in the morning with booze on your breath and another wo...

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The difference between having Guts and having Balls...

Guts is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being assaulted by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to ask: "Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?"

Balls is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your c...

What's the Difference Between Guts and Balls?

Guts is coming home late from the bar, drunk as a skunk meeting your wife at the door with a broom in her hand and asking her if she's still cleaning the house or going out for a ride.

Balls is coming home late from the bar, drunk as a skunk with lipstick all over your face and the scent of w...

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When Halitosis Mets Bromodosis...

(Cross post from r/relationships) Once there was a girl with such bad breath that no one wanted to date her, no matter how hard she tried. Across town there was a man who inherited a very severe case of stinky feet that he, too, was deemed undatable. One night when the stars aligned just right, thes...

Viens a moi (NSFW)

Two women walked into a department store, stopped at the perfume counter and picked up a sample bottle. One sprayed the perfume on her wrist and smelled it. "That's nice, isn't it?" Sharon said waving her arm under her friend's nose. "Yeah. What's it called?" "Viens a moi." "Viens a moi? What's that...