The 78+ Best Convict Jokes

A police officer accidentally arrested a judge who was dressed like a convict for a costume party.

He quickly learned to never book a judge by their cover

In ancient Rome, a man was convicted for eating his wife.

The soldiers arrested him and bought him before Caesar.

"Do you have remorse for your heinous crime?" Caeser asked.

The Roman smiled and shook his head. He looked very happy.

Caeser was shocked. He told the guards

"To commit such an act is bad enough but to be happy a...

An escaped convict breaks into a couple’s home

The couple is being held at gunpoint in their kitchen when the convict grabs the wife and whispers intently in her ear before letting her go.
The husband pulls her in close and says to her “look, this man has been locked up for who knows how long, hasn’t seen a woman in years. Maybe just let him ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why don't porn stars get convicted of any crimes?

Because they can always get themselves off.

What do you call a convict with nudie mags?

A hardened criminal

What do you call a cop who gets convicted of murder?

A good start.

A convict escapes from prison and holes up in a convent.

He rounds up all the nuns and begins to look them over, saying, "I'll have my way with all of you."

A young novice says, "Please, sir, do what you will to us, but don't harm the Mother Superior!"

Suddenly, the Mother Superior says, "You heard the man! He said ALL of us!"

Why is it so hard to convict a mute person in court?

Its always your word against mime.

A priest asks the convicted murderer in the electric chair

"Do you have any last requests?" "Yes," replies the murderer. "Can you please hold my hand?"

What's the difference between a mumble rapper and a convict...

One of them can finish a sentence.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man escapes from a prison where he had been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed.

He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair. While tying the girl to the bed, he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom.

While he was gone, the husband tells his wife, "Listen, this guy is an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spen...

If you glue two convicts together…

They become confused.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Three inmates on the way to prison…

Three inmates were on the way to prison. They were each allowed to take one item with them to help them occupy their time while incarcerated.

On the bus, one turned to another and said, "So, what did you bring?"

The first convict pulled out a box of paints and stated that he intended t...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I told my husband that I was trying to kill him & no one would be able to convict me but he’s not complaining.

It’s the southern way of killing men. Cooking and baking. Real butter, whole milk, Crisco, bacon fat, and my deadly kitchen skills. His time is limited.

Did you know that the vast majority of convicted criminals are married men?

It's the only way they get to finish a sentence.

Why are Mexican train conductors so hard to convict?

Because they always have loco motives.

Cheddar, Gouda, Parmesan, Swiss, just making sure this will be the cheesiest post ever!

What happened to the fraction when it was convicted?

It was drawn and quartered.

What did it cost the state to give the convicted cannibal his last meal?

An arm and a leg

My friend is a man with strong convictions.

The main reason is he couldn’t afford a good lawyer.

A man was convicted of murdering his wife of 30 years

Before handing the sentence, the judge addressed the defendant: "The court would like you to explain what made you murder your wife after over 30 years of marriage".
"Well, your honor" answered the defendant "it's mostly procrastination. Every day I kept telling myself I'll do it tomorrow..."

I was shocked when the Republicans wouldn’t vote to convict Trump on his second impeachment.

The first time sure, they always insist a baby is carried to full term.

The second one however, shocking as they actually took care of the baby afterwards.

Did you hear about the wrongly-convicted banana?

Don’t worry, he’s okay. He won on appeal

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A convict was sent to work at a church, you won't believe what happened next...

A guy got sentenced to do some community service at the local church after robbing it. The first day, the priest decided to put him to work at the confessional booth and accompanied him through the first confessions to show him how it works.

First woman entered the booth and said: "Bless me F...

A sad story of duty, conviction and love

After Quasimodo's death, the bishop of the cathedral of Notre Dame sent word through the streets of Paris that a new bell ringer was needed. The bishop decided that he would conduct the interviews personally and went up into the belfry to begin the screening process. After observing several applican...

A Major of the 18th battalion has been convicted in court

He didn't receive corporal punishment

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The new ex convict to bartender training scheme was a success!

All the participants ended up behind bars.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An identity thief and a rapist get convicted in a poor town...

The judge decides that the best punishment is to tie them up in a courtyard and for $5 you can punch the identity thief so he can never use his charm to con again, or for $10 you can kick the rapist in the nuts. The police officer in charge of this spots a girl kick the identity thief in the nuts an...

Overweight convict escaped from prison last night,

still at large.

A short man was just convicted of a felony and was going down the stairs with his lawyer and the deputies

His lawyer said, "you should have listened to me, stupid!"

I'm like wow - that's a little con descending.

What happened to the escaped convict who fell into a pool of concrete?

He became a hardened criminal.

What do you call a rude convict going downstairs?

A condescending con descending.

Did you hear about the escaped convict with the speech impediment?

He was never good at finishing his sentences.

News just in: Two men have been convicted of stealing a calendar

They both got 6 months

Manafort and Cohen flip on the President. Trump is convicted of treason. He is 'hung by the neck until dead.' Miraculously, minutes after his hanging, he walks out of the gallows and addresses the press:

"Fake noose, folks."

What happened to the convict on death row who ordered only an ice cream sunday as his last meal?

He got his just desserts

What do you call a convict with a debilitating skin disease?

A Leper Con

The USA is proud because their Founding Fathers had strong convictions

Big deal the founders of Australia had convictions too.

I just saw a convict on an elevator heading to the ground floor

He was condescending.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A convict's first day in prison.

It's a convicts first day in prison. He's a young convict and he's crying. An older convict comes over and sits down.

He says look it's not so bad here. For instance, do you like movies? The new guy says, "Yeah I love movies." Every Monday we have movie night, first run movie.

Do you ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Back in the day, Chicago was run by the Irish mob

Now, before the Italian mob took over- I'm sure you all know Al Capone, Frank Nitti, Lucky Luciano, and the like- Prohibition era Chicago was run by the Irish mob.

The Irish gangs owned Chicago outright for a solid 18 months after Prohibition went into effect, before police raids, pressure fr...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Escaped convict

An escaped convict broke into a house and tied up a young couple in their bedroom. The husband turned to his wife and whispered, "Honey, this guy hasn't seen action in years. If he wants sex, I think it's best to just go along with it and pretend you like it. Our lives depend on it." "I'm so relieve...

A duo of serial killers got convicted. The sentence caused some debate.

The first one got 25 years. He put his victims in a bowl an drowned them in milk. The other one put the milk in first and got sentenced to death.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Mr. and Mrs. Potato had three daughters who were as upstanding as they were lovely. One day the first daughter came home and exclaimed, “I have an announcement to make.”

“And what might that be?” said Mother, seeing the obvious excitement in her eldest daughter’s eyes.

“Well,” replied the daughter, with a proud but sheepish grin, “I’m getting married!”

The other daughters squealed with surprise as Mother Potato exclaimed, “Married! That’s wonderful! An...

There should be an urban fishing show that stars released convicts,

and it should be called "Off the Hook".

Damn girl, are you the wife of a convict serving a long term in a federal penitentiary?

Because you left before I even finished my sentence

You know what makes a good gift for someone convicted of violence?

A salt lamp!

Why did Great Britain send male convicts to Australia?

To set up a penile colony!

When convicted, why couldn't Santa's nephew complete his sentence?

He was a subordinate Clause.

A convicted thief comes out of court and calls his wife:

-What did they say, Rob?

-Either 3 years in prison or $100,000

-Don't be stupid, take the money!

4 guys meet in hell. A Bodybuilder, a Muslim, a Buddhist monk, and an American.

Satan comes over, whip in hand, and says:

-Those who endure 10 whiplashes can go to Heaven, the rest will stay here in Hell!

The American glances at the bodybuilder and is about to argue when Satan interrupts him,

-Everyone can choose 1 thing to place at your back a...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Q: How do convicts get drugs while they're in prison?

A: Some asshole brings 'em in.

A police van carrying 12 convicts crashed into a cement mixer

Police are now looking for a dozen hardened criminals

Did you hear about the guy who was convicted for committing lewd acts on fruit at a grocery store? (Mildly NSFW)

He got off on a peel.

In court I was convicted of constantly boasting about how attractive I am

I’m appealing.

The valedictorian from my high school was convicted yesterday as an accessory to murder.

Everyone always said he would accomplice something.

Donald Trump is convicted of treason

His punishment is hanging. On the day of his execution, the rope is tied around his neck as thousands watch. The floor drops, but Trump is unharmed. The noose was fake.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man was convicted for murdering and eating his victims, which consisted of homosexuals and disabled people

When asked why he did this, he responded that he just wanted to get his 5 fruit and veg a day

What do you call a wrongly convicted painting?

Framed.

Convicted hit man Jimmy "Two Shoes" McClarty.

Confessed today that he was once hired to beat a cow to death in a rice field using on two small porcelain figures. Police admit this may be the first know case of a knick knack paddy whack.

Credit: This was a Colin Mochrie joke from an early Who's Line is it Any Way e...

Cardinal George Pell has just been convicted of child abuse -

Just goes to show that abstinence makes the church grow fondlers.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Australia should hire WWE wrestlers to enforce sentencing on convicted sex offenders.

That way we can have Undertaker and Mankind throw Pell in a cell.

Bill Cosby may have been convicted, sentenced to prison, and end up bankrupt...

But at least he'll always have a roofie over his head.

Did you hear about the high profile conviction of a Cardinal in Australia?

Neither did I...

If Fetty Wap is ever convicted of a crime...

He could change his name to ConFetty.

I was applying for Australian citizenship, and the guy asks me "have you ever been convicted of a felony?"

"Does stealing a joke count?" I asked.

My wife and I were convicted of paedophilia

The kids are taking it pretty hard.

While driving home I heard on the radio that convicts had escaped a prisoner transport after colliding with a concrete truck.

Authorities say to be on the lookout for hardened criminals.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

LPT: If you've been convicted of a sex crime, change your name to offender.dll

Then no one will be able to find you in the registry.

On my job application. "Have you ever been convicted of a crime?" "No."

"Why?" "Good lawyers."

Many people are wrongly convicted. How will the judicial system improve?

By trial and error

A maestro is convicted of murdering his wife, and sentenced to die in the electric chair.

On the night of the execution, he is strapped into the chair and they pull the switch. Nothing happens.

Thinking it must be a power supply problem, they turn off all the lights in the prison and try again. Still nothing.

They turn out all the lights in the town and try again. Nothing.<...

I know federal prosecutors have a 99% conviction rate. But I'm a little nervous.

Because Trump picked his cabinet from the 1%.

Before his conviction, Aaron Hernandez was a tight end in the NFL.

But since going to prison he's become a wide receiver.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A prisoner convicted of beastiality has escaped.

Recent reports confirm he's on the lamb.

TIL Abraham Lincoln is the only president that cannot be convicted of a crime

Because he's innocent.

Sherlock was convicted for child molestation

A disgusted Watson visited him in prison, and said, "I cannot believe you were caught exposing yourself to a child in high school!"

"Elementary, my dear Watson..."

Will Smith was convicted

They found fresh prints at the scene....

Apparently the norwegian government pays for you to hire convicts

I guess there are some pro's to hirin a con.

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.