A convict finally escaped prison after digging a tunnel in his cell for years

He resurfaces in a kindergarten playground with children playing and no cops in sight. He could barely contain his excitement and screams, "I'm Free! I'M FREE!" A kid next to him looks at him and says, "So what? I'm four"

A police van carrying 12 convicts crashed into a cement mixer

Police are now looking for a dozen hardened criminals

What do you call a camping convict?

Criminal intent.

Why don't escaped convicts make good writers?

Because they never finish their sentences

Overweight convict escaped from prison last night,

still at large.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years.

He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband tells his wife: "...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Mr. and Mrs. Potato had three daughters who were as upstanding as they were lovely. One day the first daughter came home and exclaimed, “I have an announcement to make.”

“And what might that be?” said Mother, seeing the obvious excitement in her eldest daughter’s eyes.

“Well,” replied the daughter, with a proud but sheepish grin, “I’m getting married!”

The other daughters squealed with surprise as Mother Potato exclaimed, “Married! That’s wonderful! An...

The valedictorian from my high school was convicted yesterday as an accessory to murder.

Everyone always said he would accomplice something.

What do you call a wrongly convicted painting?

Framed.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A cannibal who fried another mans testicles was convicted of trying to bribe members of the jury

They didnt accept his teste-money

In court I was convicted of constantly boasting about how attractive I am

I’m appealing.

A police officer accidentally arrested a judge who was dressed like a convict for a costume party.

He quickly learned to never book a judge by their cover

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Priest and a Cowboy are walking in the desert

They come across a flock of geese so the cowboy pulls out his two guns and empties them in the direction of the geese.

"Fuck, I missed!"

"Do not use that word, child, for God will smite you"

They walk on and come across yet another flock of geese. Same thing.

"Fuck, I mis...

Jack strode into ‘John’s Stable’

looking to buy a horse. “Listen here” said John, “I’ve got just the horse your looking for, the only thing is, he was trained by an interesting fellow. He doesn’t go and stop the usual way. The way to get him to stop is to scream heyhey the way to get him to go is to scream Thank God.
Jim nodded...

What happened to the escaped convict who fell into a pool of concrete?

He became a hardened criminal.

Did you hear about the escaped convict with the speech impediment?

He was never good at finishing his sentences.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An escaped convict was on the run:

An escaped convict, imprisoned for 1st degree murder, had managed to break out of prison. 


While on the run, he broke into a house and tied up a young couple who had been sleeping in the bedroom. He tied them to some chairs, across the room from each other.


He went over to th...

What happened to the Herb Farmer when evidence was found that he'd been stealing from his company?

He was convicted on counts of Embasilment.

A man tried to gather 50 crows together but was arrested and convicted after only getting two.

He was charged with attempted murder.

I just saw a convict on an elevator heading to the ground floor

He was condescending.

A priests asks the convicted murderer

A priests asks the convicted murderer at the electric chair, "Do you have any last requests?”

"Yes," replies the murderer. "Can you please hold my hand?"

When England settled her colonies how come America got Christian zealots and Australia got convicts?

Australia got first pick.

2 dudes talking about their time in prison.

Dude 1: The judge told me I was going to be convicted for murder and I would have to be in prison for 10 years. He asked me if I wanted to say something. I knew I was innocent so I started talking, until the moment where I was going to prove that I wasn't the murderer, then the judge interrupted me....

Manafort and Cohen flip on the President. Trump is convicted of treason. He is 'hung by the neck until dead.' Miraculously, minutes after his hanging, he walks out of the gallows and addresses the press:

"Fake noose, folks."

What do you call a rude convict going downstairs?

A condescending con descending.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man was convicted for murdering and eating his victims, which consisted of homosexuals and disabled people

When asked why he did this, he responded that he just wanted to get his 5 fruit and veg a day

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Australia should hire WWE wrestlers to enforce sentencing on convicted sex offenders.

That way we can have Undertaker and Mankind throw Pell in a cell.

A convicted thief comes out of court and calls his wife:

-What did they say, Rob?

-Either 3 years in prison or $100,000

-Don't be stupid, take the money!

Convicted hit man Jimmy "Two Shoes" McClarty.

Confessed today that he was once hired to beat a cow to death in a rice field using on two small porcelain figures. Police admit this may be the first know case of a knick knack paddy whack.







Credit: This was a Colin Mochrie joke from an early Who's Line is it Any Way e...

Cardinal George Pell has just been convicted of child abuse -

Just goes to show that abstinence makes the church grow fondlers.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Q: How do convicts get drugs while they're in prison?

A: Some asshole brings 'em in.

While driving home I heard on the radio that convicts had escaped a prisoner transport after colliding with a concrete truck.

Authorities say to be on the lookout for hardened criminals.

Donald Trump is convicted of treason

His punishment is hanging. On the day of his execution, the rope is tied around his neck as thousands watch. The floor drops, but Trump is unharmed. The noose was fake.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

It's a convicts first day in prison

It's a convicts first day in prison. He's a young convict and he's crying. An older convict comes over and sits down. He says look it's not so bad here. For instance, do you like movies? The new guy says, "Yeah I love movies." Every Monday we have movie night, first run movie. Do you like Italian fo...

A father has a meeting with his future son-in-law

The father asks "I see you are in between jobs, how are you going to provide for yourself and my daugher?"

The young man replies "Well, God will provide"

The father continues by asking, "I assume you will be having children, how will you support them?".

The young man paused, and...

What's the shortest biography you can write for a convicted murderer?

A life sentence.

I was applying for Australian citizenship, and the guy asks me "have you ever been convicted of a felony?"

"Does stealing a joke count?" I asked.

Did you hear about the guy who couldn't hear who was convicted of murder?

He got the deaf penalty.

My sister is a district judge ...

My sister is a district judge who has climbed to a very prominent position despite a lifelong terrible stuttering problem. She just convicted a murderer to life in prison, but the guy doesn't have to go to jail until 2022. I swear, she always takes the longest time to start her sentences.

Bill Cosby may have been convicted, sentenced to prison, and end up bankrupt...

But at least he'll always have a roofie over his head.

Damn girl, are you the wife of a convict serving a long term in a federal penitentiary?

Because you left before I even finished my sentence

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Escaped convict

An escaped convict broke into a house and tied up a young couple in their bedroom. The husband turned to his wife and whispered, "Honey, this guy hasn't seen action in years. If he wants sex, I think it's best to just go along with it and pretend you like it. Our lives depend on it." "I'm so relieve...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Sven and Ole are asked to identify a body. (Sad to discover after Googling that this will be a repost, but I was recently told this by my 86 y/o Wisconsinite grandmother and wanted to share.)

So Sven and Ole get a sad call to learn that their good friend, Anders, has passed away and they need to identify the body.

When they get to the morgue, Sven goes in first. The doctor uncovers the body and Sven says, “Aww gee, that sure looks like Anders...could ya flip him over and spread h...

Why are priests always doing service in the community?

Because of their religious convictions

Surprise! A blonde joke!

A brunette, a ginger, and a blonde are all running from the police. They come across a barn and decide it’s the best place to hide. Once inside, they find a few empty burlap sacks. The police arrive after just a few minutes. Their dogs quickly move the officers towards the burlap sacks where these c...

Jokes in Prison

A man gets convicted of a crime and is sent to jail. When he gets to the cafeteria, something weird is happening. He hears random numbers being shouted out, followed by uproarious laughter, so he asks the guy next to him what's going on. Fellow says, "Well, you see, we've all been in here for so lon...

Apparently the norwegian government pays for you to hire convicts

I guess there are some pro's to hirin a con.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man escapes from a prison where he's been locked up for 15 years.

He breaks into a house to look for money and guns.

Inside, he finds a young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair.

While tying the homeowner's wife to the bed, the convict gets on top of her, kisses her neck, and the makes passionate love to her for hours....

Why is it so difficult to convict a redneck?

Because they all have the same DNA and no dental records.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

LPT: If you've been convicted of a sex crime, change your name to offender.dll

Then no one will be able to find you in the registry.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An identity thief and a rapist get convicted in a poor town...

The judge decides that the best punishment is to tie them up in a courtyard and for $5 you can punch the identity thief so he can never use his charm to con again, or for $10 you can kick the rapist in the nuts. The police officer in charge of this spots a girl kick the identity thief in the nuts an...

In the far future, after all governments have unified, a rich man will be convicted of a crime, making him hated among the people and causing his assets to be frozen

So he was basically discredited.

I know federal prosecutors have a 99% conviction rate. But I'm a little nervous.

Because Trump picked his cabinet from the 1%.

What do you call a convicted felon on an escalator?

I'm not sure, but I think it's con descending

My wife and I were convicted of paedophilia

The kids are taking it pretty hard.

Did you hear about the guy who was convicted for committing lewd acts on fruit at a grocery store? (Mildly NSFW)

He got off on a peel.

Did you hear about the convict who refused to take a nap?

He was resisting a rest.

My father had strong convictions.

I guess that's why he did all that time in prison.

A guy goes to a museum

On the tour, the tour guide shows them an exhibition and tells them, "this is the very first, teepee designed to securely hold criminals. The Native Americans used it to house convicts".

The next day, the guy is passing the museum and sees they are taking down the name on the front of the mus...

Did you hear about the Olympic gymnast that was a convicted felon?

He was always known for some assaults

On my job application. "Have you ever been convicted of a crime?" "No."

"Why?" "Good lawyers."

Many people are wrongly convicted. How will the judicial system improve?

By trial and error

If Fetty Wap is ever convicted of a crime...

He could change his name to ConFetty.

Sherlock was convicted for child molestation

A disgusted Watson visited him in prison, and said, "I cannot believe you were caught exposing yourself to a child in high school!"

"Elementary, my dear Watson..."

Before his conviction, Aaron Hernandez was a tight end in the NFL.

But since going to prison he's become a wide receiver.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A prisoner convicted of beastiality has escaped.

Recent reports confirm he's on the lamb.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A lawyer's trick . . .

A defendant was on trial for murder. There was strong evidence indicating guilt, but there was no corpse. In the defense’s closing statement the lawyer, knowing that his client would probably be convicted, resorted to a trick.
“Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I have a surprise for you all,” the...

TIL Abraham Lincoln is the only president that cannot be convicted of a crime

Because he's innocent.

E COLI OUTBREAK

Because of the E coli outbreak with romaine, convicts are abstaining from tossing anyone's salad

Last Request

Two convicts who were about to be executed, The warden says to the first one, ‘Do you have a last request?’
The convict says, ‘Yes, I’d like to hear the song “Achy Breaky Heart” one last time.’The Warden says, ‘OK, I think we can arrange that.’ Then he says to the second convict, ‘How about you...

(OC) A man is on trial for sleeping with his sister.

The prosecutor feels it should be an airtight case and tries as hard as he can to organize enough damning evidence as possible to put the perv away for a long time. The trial begins and it is obviously a disturbing proceeding, but there is a shadow of a doubt to whether the man is guilty or innocent...

What’s the difference between a Lunchable and a prison meal?

One of them is usually eaten in a big crowded room where you might get shot or stabbed. The other one is for convicted criminals.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Prison Fun

Bob the stockbroker was convicted of insider trading and sent to federal prison.
He was housed with a big, tough bank robber named Jesse.

Walking into his shared cell for the first time Bob was understandably nervous.

“ Hello there, welcome to your new home” said Jesse holding ou...

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.