UPJOKE
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An escaped convict breaks into a couple’s home

The couple is being held at gunpoint in their kitchen when the convict grabs the wife and whispers intently in her ear before letting her go.
The husband pulls her in close and says to her “look, this man has been locked up for who knows how long, hasn’t seen a woman in years. Maybe just let him ...

Why are Mexican train conductors so hard to convict?

Because they always have loco motives.

Cheddar, Gouda, Parmesan, Swiss, just making sure this will be the cheesiest post ever!

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I told my husband that I was trying to kill him & no one would be able to convict me but he’s not complaining.

It’s the southern way of killing men. Cooking and baking. Real butter, whole milk, Crisco, bacon fat, and my deadly kitchen skills. His time is limited.

A man was convicted of murdering his wife of 30 years

Before handing the sentence, the judge addressed the defendant: "The court would like you to explain what made you murder your wife after over 30 years of marriage".
"Well, your honor" answered the defendant "it's mostly procrastination. Every day I kept telling myself I'll do it tomorrow..."

In ancient Rome, a man was convicted for eating his wife.

The soldiers arrested him and bought him before Caesar.

"Do you have remorse for your heinous crime?" Caeser asked.

The Roman smiled and shook his head. He looked very happy.


Caeser was shocked. He told the guards

"To commit such an act is bad enough but to be happy a...

What do you call a convict with nudie mags?

A hardened criminal

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A man escapes from a prison where he had been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed.

He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair. While tying the girl to the bed, he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom.

While he was gone, the husband tells his wife, "Listen, this guy is an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spen...

A priest asks the convicted murderer at the electric chair

A priest asks the convicted murderer at the electric chair, "Do you have any last requests?" "Yes, " replies the murderer. "Can you please hold my hand? "

A sad story of duty, conviction and love

After Quasimodo's death, the bishop of the cathedral of Notre Dame sent word through the streets of Paris that a new bell ringer was needed. The bishop decided that he would conduct the interviews personally and went up into the belfry to begin the screening process. After observing several applican...

A short man was just convicted of a felony and was going down the stairs with his lawyer and the deputies

His lawyer said, "you should have listened to me, stupid!"

I'm like wow - that's a little con descending.

What do you call a cop who gets convicted of murder?

A good start.

A police officer accidentally arrested a judge who was dressed like a convict for a costume party.

He quickly learned to never book a judge by their cover

I was shocked when the Republicans wouldn’t vote to convict Trump on his second impeachment.

The first time sure, they always insist a baby is carried to full term.

The second one however, shocking as they actually took care of the baby afterwards.

A Scientist and his Frog

In order to learn more about the jumping ability of frogs, a scientist trained his frog to jump on command.

On day 1, he told the frog, "Jump, frog. Jump!" And, the frog jumped. The scientist wrote in his journal: "Frog successfully taught to jump."

On day 2, the scientist amputated ...

News just in: Two men have been convicted of stealing a calendar

They both got 6 months

A convict finally escaped prison after digging a tunnel in his cell for years

He resurfaces in a kindergarten playground with children playing and no cops in sight. He could barely contain his excitement and screams, "I'm Free! I'M FREE!" A kid next to him looks at him and says, "So what? I'm four"

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A convict was sent to work at a church, you won't believe what happened next...

A guy got sentenced to do some community service at the local church after robbing it. The first day, the priest decided to put him to work at the confessional booth and accompanied him through the first confessions to show him how it works.

First woman entered the booth and said: "Bless me F...

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A convict's first day in prison.

It's a convicts first day in prison. He's a young convict and he's crying. An older convict comes over and sits down.

He says look it's not so bad here. For instance, do you like movies? The new guy says, "Yeah I love movies." Every Monday we have movie night, first run movie.

Do you ...

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The new ex convict to bartender training scheme was a success!

All the participants ended up behind bars.

What did the convicted cannibal choose for his last meal?

Five guys

The USA is proud because their Founding Fathers had strong convictions

Big deal the founders of Australia had convictions too.

A duo of serial killers got convicted. The sentence caused some debate.

The first one got 25 years. He put his victims in a bowl an drowned them in milk. The other one put the milk in first and got sentenced to death.

4 guys meet in hell. A Bodybuilder, a Muslim, a Buddhist monk, and an American.

Satan comes over, whip in hand, and says:


-Those who endure 10 whiplashes can go to Heaven, the rest will stay here in Hell!


The American glances at the bodybuilder and is about to argue when Satan interrupts him,


-Everyone can choose 1 thing to place at your back a...

You know what makes a good gift for someone convicted of violence?

A salt lamp!

What happened to the escaped convict who fell into a pool of concrete?

He became a hardened criminal.

Overweight convict escaped from prison last night,

still at large.

There should be an urban fishing show that stars released convicts,

and it should be called "Off the Hook".

What do you call a rude convict going downstairs?

A condescending con descending.

Did you hear about the escaped convict with the speech impediment?

He was never good at finishing his sentences.

The convicted Australian criminal Mark "Chopper" Reid, who had his ears cut off in prison, wrote a book called No Tears for a Tough Guy.

Maybe it should've been called No Ears for a Tough Guy.

Two guys in an insane asylum are up for parole

The first guy goes into see the commitee, and they ask him some questions.

C: "Who discovered America?"

IG1: "Christopher Columbus."

C: "How long ago was that?"

IG1: "Around three hundred years..."

C: "Do aliens exist?"

IG1: "It's possible, but there's no pr...

A trial for murder is being held and all the evidences indicate that the defendant is guilty But the body has never been found

Just before the sentence is concluded his astute lawyer stands up and says: "ladies and gentlement, the deceased will enter the room in a few minutes".

There is a sudden commotion after these things were said. A few minutes pass then some more and no one has entered the room.

After a...

What happened to the convict on death row who ordered only an ice cream sunday as his last meal?

He got his just desserts

Manafort and Cohen flip on the President. Trump is convicted of treason. He is 'hung by the neck until dead.' Miraculously, minutes after his hanging, he walks out of the gallows and addresses the press:

"Fake noose, folks."

What do you call a convict with a debilitating skin disease?

A Leper Con

Why did Great Britain send male convicts to Australia?

To set up a penile colony!

What did Russel Crowe say to the press when his son was convicted of cannibalism?

I was glad he ate her.

I just saw a convict on an elevator heading to the ground floor

He was condescending.

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Escaped convict

An escaped convict broke into a house and tied up a young couple in their bedroom. The husband turned to his wife and whispered, "Honey, this guy hasn't seen action in years. If he wants sex, I think it's best to just go along with it and pretend you like it. Our lives depend on it." "I'm so relieve...

A police van carrying 12 convicts crashed into a cement mixer

Police are now looking for a dozen hardened criminals

Damn girl, are you the wife of a convict serving a long term in a federal penitentiary?

Because you left before I even finished my sentence

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As a judge, I was sentencing criminal defendants when I saw a vaguely familiar face.

I reviewed his record and found that the man was a career criminal, except for a five-year period in which there were no convictions.


“Milton,” I asked, puzzled, “how is it you were able to stay out of trouble for those five years?”


“I was in prison,” he answered. “You sh...

A convicted thief comes out of court and calls his wife:

-What did they say, Rob?

-Either 3 years in prison or $100,000

-Don't be stupid, take the money!

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An identity thief and a rapist get convicted in a poor town...

The judge decides that the best punishment is to tie them up in a courtyard and for $5 you can punch the identity thief so he can never use his charm to con again, or for $10 you can kick the rapist in the nuts. The police officer in charge of this spots a girl kick the identity thief in the nuts an...

The valedictorian from my high school was convicted yesterday as an accessory to murder.

Everyone always said he would accomplice something.

Donald Trump is convicted of treason

His punishment is hanging. On the day of his execution, the rope is tied around his neck as thousands watch. The floor drops, but Trump is unharmed. The noose was fake.

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Q: How do convicts get drugs while they're in prison?

A: Some asshole brings 'em in.

Death Row Inmate

A man was sentenced to death. The prison had a tradition that all death row inmates were allowed to choose their last meal. When his time came, he couldn’t make up his mind so he asked for some time to think about it.

The day he is to be executed arrives, but he still hasn’t chosen his last m...

What do you call a wrongly convicted painting?

Framed.

In court I was convicted of constantly boasting about how attractive I am

I’m appealing.

Did you hear about the guy who was convicted for committing lewd acts on fruit at a grocery store? (Mildly NSFW)

He got off on a peel.

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A man was convicted for murdering and eating his victims, which consisted of homosexuals and disabled people

When asked why he did this, he responded that he just wanted to get his 5 fruit and veg a day

I was applying for Australian citizenship, and the guy asks me "have you ever been convicted of a felony?"

"Does stealing a joke count?" I asked.

Convicted hit man Jimmy "Two Shoes" McClarty.

Confessed today that he was once hired to beat a cow to death in a rice field using on two small porcelain figures. Police admit this may be the first know case of a knick knack paddy whack.







Credit: This was a Colin Mochrie joke from an early Who's Line is it Any Way e...

A maestro is convicted of murdering his wife, and sentenced to die in the electric chair.

On the night of the execution, he is strapped into the chair and they pull the switch. Nothing happens.

Thinking it must be a power supply problem, they turn off all the lights in the prison and try again. Still nothing.

They turn out all the lights in the town and try again. Nothing.<...

When England settled her colonies how come America got Christian zealots and Australia got convicts?

Australia got first pick.

I was on the jury for a murder trial

Someone pulled my pants down as I entered the court room.

They declared it a hung jury....and the accused got off.

She was still convicted though.

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Australia should hire WWE wrestlers to enforce sentencing on convicted sex offenders.

That way we can have Undertaker and Mankind throw Pell in a cell.

My wife and I were convicted of paedophilia

The kids are taking it pretty hard.

Cardinal George Pell has just been convicted of child abuse -

Just goes to show that abstinence makes the church grow fondlers.

Bill Cosby may have been convicted, sentenced to prison, and end up bankrupt...

But at least he'll always have a roofie over his head.

If Fetty Wap is ever convicted of a crime...

He could change his name to ConFetty.

Before his conviction, Aaron Hernandez was a tight end in the NFL.

But since going to prison he's become a wide receiver.

While driving home I heard on the radio that convicts had escaped a prisoner transport after colliding with a concrete truck.

Authorities say to be on the lookout for hardened criminals.

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Mr. and Mrs. Potato had three daughters who were as upstanding as they were lovely. One day the first daughter came home and exclaimed, “I have an announcement to make.”

“And what might that be?” said Mother, seeing the obvious excitement in her eldest daughter’s eyes.

“Well,” replied the daughter, with a proud but sheepish grin, “I’m getting married!”

The other daughters squealed with surprise as Mother Potato exclaimed, “Married! That’s wonderful! An...

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LPT: If you've been convicted of a sex crime, change your name to offender.dll

Then no one will be able to find you in the registry.

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The Tale of Kevin Bopper

Back in high school there was this kid named Kevin Bopper. He was... strange, to say the least. He was that quiet kid with long, greasy, dandruff-ridden hair, a face full of acne, and wore a leather jacket- you know the type. The thing that made him stand out, however, was his weird fixation on traf...

Sherlock was convicted for child molestation

A disgusted Watson visited him in prison, and said, "I cannot believe you were caught exposing yourself to a child in high school!"

"Elementary, my dear Watson..."

I know federal prosecutors have a 99% conviction rate. But I'm a little nervous.

Because Trump picked his cabinet from the 1%.

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A prisoner convicted of beastiality has escaped.

Recent reports confirm he's on the lamb.

Many people are wrongly convicted. How will the judicial system improve?

By trial and error

TIL Abraham Lincoln is the only president that cannot be convicted of a crime

Because he's innocent.

Will Smith was convicted

They found fresh prints at the scene....

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