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A man is walking the Las Vegas strip, and runs into the most beautiful women he has ever met.

He starts talking to her, and to his luck he finds out she is a prostitute. So, he asks her.
"How much for a hand-job?"
"$5,000" she replies.
"$5,000?? You must be nuts, no way."
"Walk with me." She replies. He agrees and they walk for a moment to end up in front of a res...

My boss said, “Why are all the women in your office crying?”

I said, “You told me to bang some heads together.”

He said, “Talk about taking things too literally!”

So I went ahead and gave a two hour lecture on taking things too literally.

When wearing a bikini, women reveals 96% of their body.

But the men are so polite, they only look at the covered parts.

I keep seeing the quote on women's tinder profiles, "If I was meant to be controlled I would have come with a remote."

Jokes on them, I've been turning women off for years without a remote.

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I asked 100 women what their favorite soap in the shower was.

The most popular response was: "How the fuck did you get in here?"

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How are women's buttholes and 9 volt batteries alike?

You know you shouldn't, but eventually you'll put your tounge on it.

Why is apple juice the preferred drink for women?

Because OJ will kill you

Women should not have children after 35..

35 children is definitely enough!

Three Jewish women are eating lunch. The waiter comes over and says...

is anything okay?

A drunk was in front of a judge. The judge says, "You've been brought here for drinking and molesting women."

The drunk says "Great! Let's get started."

Scientists have discovered a food that makes women morbidly obese soon after they eat it.

Wedding cake.

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Why do women close their eyes during sex?

They hate to see you enjoying yourself

What do women and police cars have in common?

They make alot of noise to let you know they're coming.

A recent study has shown that women who carry a little extra weight

live longer than the men who mention it.

What do you call a horde of hungry women?

Faminism.

A young man was in love with two women and could not decide which of them to marry. Finally he went to a marriage counselor. When asked to describe his two loves, he noted that one was a great poet and the other made delicious pancakes...

"Oh." said the counselor. "I see what the problem is. You can't decide whether to marry for batter or verse."

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Why do men give their jackets to women that are cold

Who the fuck wants a blowjob from a girl whos teeth are chattering

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Why do Asian women have small tits?

Because only A’s are acceptable.

Women and their husbands...

Two women were in a hair salon talking about their home lives when the subject of flighty husbands came up. "It's unbelievable," one woman said. "I can never figure out where he goes at night."

"I know exactly what you mean," said the other woman. "One second he's in the house, and the next h...

3 women die and go to heaven. The only rule? Do NOT step on a duck.

3 women die and go to heaven. God tells them that they are free to do as they please, but there is only one rule. Never. Step. On. A. Duck. Seems easy enough.

The next day the first woman steps on a duck. POOF! She is suddenly handcuffed to a really ugly guy. The other 2 women make sure to be...

What do women and archeologists have in common

They both dig up the past

I've been lucky enough to be with several women in my life...

And I've learned that when you pleasure a woman, they are much like farts.

Some are too loud, some are near silent and, when you least expect it, you'll get a squirter.

A women called me ugly until she found how much money I make.

Now she’s calling me ugly and poor.

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What the the women say to the redditor after sex?

Nothing. He woke up.

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Genghis Khan and his soldiers attacked a tiny village of their enemy country and took all the men and women as prisoners..

Later in the evening,after being intoxicated,the sadistic Genghis decides to play a game..

He asks all the men from the village to stand in a line and strip down their pants..

He then instructed one of the wives of the men to be blindfolded and she should recognize her husband after ex...

Study shows women are turning into good drivers

So if you’re a good driver watch out

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Why can't women have sex more than 6 days in a row?

Because 7 days makes a hole weak.

Why are women and children evacuated first in a disaster?

So we can think about a solution in silence.

Why do men tend to die before women?

Because they want to.

What do British women call their menstruation cycles?

A bloody mess



(messed up the first post)

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If Trump exposed himself to women, would that be sexual harrasment...

... or microagression?

Men naturally choose high paying careers, like doctor, engineer, or CEO. Women naturally gravitate toward lower paying careers ...

... like female doctor, female engineer, or female CEO.

My wife said women are better at multitasking than men

So i told her to sit down and shut up.

She was incapable of doing either

I asked 100 women which shampoo they preferred.

Almost all of them replied, “How the hell did you get in here?”

Which is the month in which women talk the least?

February... because it has the least number of days

Three women (redhead, blondie and an asian) have just escaped a prison, and the cops are looking for them...

The girls were running trough the city and went into one of those fruit/ vegetables' market to hide, and find 3 bag of potatoes big enough for them to hide inside.

After a while, one cop that is looking for them finds the bags, and realize that they're kind of weird... So he approaches and ki...

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You know why women like having sex with the lights off?

Because they can't stand to see a man having a good time.

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Why do Australian women never orgasm from breast play alone?

Because they come from a land down under.

If two women get legally married, and eventually end up divorced...

Which one gets 3/4s of everything?

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My wife was super angry when she caught me watching porn. She said it degrades women.

Jokes on her. The porn I watch doesn't have any women in it.

Men to women, you know men came first.

Women, yes and you all been doing it ever since

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Three pregnant women...

Are sitting in the OBGYN office knitting baby sweaters.

The first woman reaches into her purse and pulls out a small pill. She states "this is folic acid, it's an important vitamin for development of my baby," then resumes her knitting.

The second woman reaches into her purse, pulls ou...

Why are there no women magicians?

Because we burned them all

What do you call a dinosaur that likes men and women

Birexual



Credit to some dumb 14-year old on my school bus

Women Only

**The Women Only Hotel**

A group of women went on holiday, the see a five-storey hotel with a sign that reads "For Women Only".

Since they are there without their boyfriends the go in. The Doorman, a very attractive man explains to them how it works .....
"We have Five floors .........

65% of women will be objectified at some point in their lives.

The other 35% are probably ugly.

Why aren't pregnant women hungry?

Cos they gestate!

TIL that there are two things in the air that can cause women to become pregnant...

Their legs.

A lot of people think that women have more trouble getting pregnant after age 30...

But that’s actually a missed conception.

Two Scottish women are visiting Canada..

When they come across a skunk.
“Ahh look a’this wee thing, it’s well cute!”
“Aye a know but leave it be”
“No but I think I wantit like yoo know as a pet”
“Y’canny be serious lass?”
“I’m taking it home wimme!”
“What on the plane an all?”
“Aye”
“Ach, where y’gonna put it?”
...

A world without women

Would be a pain in the ass

A white guy, a black guy, an Indian, an Asian women and a girl in a wheel chair walk into a bar

They are celebrating being on the cover of a middle school math book

I’ve been accused of objectifying women

public class Woman extends Person {

What's six inches long, two inches wide, and drives women wild?

Money.

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I like my coffee like my women.

Without a penis

3 women of different hair colours get shipwrecked on a small desert island 1km away from a civilised island.

The first woman, who has brown hair, attempts to swim to the civilised island, but only gets 200 metres before getting tired and swimming back. The next woman, with black hair, sees the first one’s attempt and also tries. She gets 400 metres before tiring and swimming back. The blonde then has a try...

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How many abducted women does it take to change a light bulb?

Apparently more than five, my basement is still dark.

Two women are talking

One of them says "do you have a son?"

The other replies "yes, I do."

-"Oh, does he drink?"

-"No, but..."

-"Does he smoke?"

-"No, but..."

-"Whoa, congratulations on your son, these times it's hard to find boys like him. Oh, and how old is he?"

-"Two."

A boy was feeling very nervous about his first date, so went to his father for advice. "My son, there are three subjects that always work with women: food, family, and philosophy." The boy picks up his date and they stare at each other for a long time. The boy's nervousness builds, but he then asks:

"Do you like potato pancakes?" "No," comes the answer, and the silence returns like a suffocating blanket. "Do you have a brother?" "No." After giving it some thought, the boy plays his last card: "If you had a brother, would he like potato pancakes?"

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For women, having sex is like buying a mew car.

They ask basically the same questions:
-Is it loyal?
-Is it worth it?
-Is it good?
-Is it gonna kill me?

But for men it’s like finding a parking spot:
-It’s open, why not
-I have to pay? Nevermind I’m out
-It’s handicap? A quick one then I’m going out

Why do women make terrible truck drivers?

Because you give them a full load, and they take 9 months to deliver.

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A recent scientific study reveals that women have cleaner minds than men.

This, scientists say is basically due to the fact that they change them every fucking 10 seconds or so.

Women defy the laws of physics...

They are easier to pick up the heavier they get...

Women are like swimming pools.

They cost a lot of money to maintain, considering the amount of time you spend inside them.

As a man I know I have something women will probably never have.

Pockets.

Sorry. On behalf of all of us.

A crying women walks up to man selling fruit on the street,

Man: Hey what’s wrong?

Women: My boyfriend and I tried to run away and get married but we were caught by my parents. My parents wanted a big formal but we don’t want to do that.

Man: Oh I’m so sorry, can I offer you some fruit on the house?

Women: Oh thank you, I would love some...

Women are far more priviliged than men.

My girlftiend and I went to a dinner with friends the other day. Everybody found my girlfriend stunning and gorgeous, but they called me weird, creepy and gross.

We were wearing the exact same dress!!

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Women have absolutely no idea how to chat up us guys.

As if "Fuck off you loser" was going to get me into bed.

Why Women Need a Husband?

A Woman goes to a Psychiatrist and complains: “I don't want to marry. I am educated, independent, and self-sufficient. I don't need a husband. But my parents are asking me to marry. What do I do?”

The psychiatrist replied: “YOU, undoubtedly will achieve great things in life. But somethings in...

Women don't want men discussing business in the restroom...

...because they're not privy to the discussion.

A man in the forklift business sat next to me on a plane. He asked, "what do women and forklifts have in common?"

Without either, you're left to unload by hand

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Why do women have legs?

Have you ever seen the mess a fucking snail leaves behind...?

Women are like grenades....

Remove the ring and your house is gone

Why is Saudi Arabia so late to givng rights to women?

Because they have been living under Iraq.

Why can't women be writers?

They're afraid of periods.

Why can't most women park a car?

Because they have been lied to all their lives about how large 20 cm is.

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When a women buys a dildo, it's a bit of naughty fun!

But when a guy orders a 240 volt Fuckmaster Pro 5000 blowup latex doll with 6 speed pulsating pussy, elasticized anus with non-drip semen collecting tray, together with optional built-in realistic orgasm scream 7.1 sound system, he's called a pervert.

A naked women robbed a bank.

Nobody could remember her face.

A Roman soldier is bragging to his friend: 'You'll never guess with how many women I've slept!'

'Mmm?'

'Not that many!'

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A Policeman stops an old women carrying 2 sacks.

One of the sacks has a hole and is leaking 20 dollar bills.
The cop asks the woman, “Where did an old lady like you get all of that money?”

She replies, “Well, there’s a golf course behind my house and when golfers need to go to the bathroom, they stick their penis through a hole in my...

It's no wonder women love chocolate so much. Their pronouns give it away.

Her/she

What's the difference between a tribe of pygmies and a womens track team?

The pygmies are a tribe of cunning runts

Women...

If a man is trying to do something nice in the shower like wash your back, just let them do it instead of being rude and saying “who are you and how’d you get in my house”.
Thanks

Why are married women heavier than single women?

Single women go home, see what’s in the fridge, and go to bed.
Married women come home, see what’s in the bed, and goes to the fridge

Arguing with women is like reading general terms.

Just click "Agree".

What's 12 inches, pink and makes women scream

Stillbirth

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All women are sex objects

Whenever you ask them for sex, they’ll object

I keep hearing that more women in the workplace makes for a stronger economy. But isn't that obvious?

Cheaper labour always helps the bottom line.

According to women, men dont have feelings

But that's just not true at all, we sometimes feel hungry and thirsty.

Why do women always get the last word?

Because they have periods

My new job makes it easier for me to find women.

Ladies in the graveyard can't say no.

Jokes about a women's menstrual cycle just aren't funny

Period.

A women married and had 13 children. Her husband died.

She married again and had 7 more children. Again, Her husband died. But, she remarried and this time had 5more children. Alas, she finally died. Standing before her coffin, the preacher prayed for her. He thanked the Lord for this very loving woman and said, "Lord, they're finally together."

...

A new tattoo studio opened in my neighbourhood which offered free sessions to any women who flashed the artist.

It was called 'Tit for Tat'

Whenever Batman sees a women

Dark Knight rises.

What do you call it when a women gets irrationally upset while on her period?

An ovaryaction.

Locals have discovered a little hole in the wall of the women's bathroom

Police have said they're looking into it

I don’t get why pro athletes feel the need to hit women...

...just reply to the next one in your DMs if she isn’t acting right.

Three women are about to be executed. One's a brunette, one's a redhead, and one's a blonde. The guard brings the brunette forward and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She says no, and the executioner shouts, "Ready! Aim!"

Suddenly the brunette yells, "EARTHQUAKE!!!"

Everyone is startled and throws themselves on the ground while she escapes.

The guard brings the redhead forward and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She says no, and the executioner shouts, "Ready! Aim!"

Suddenly th...

JFK must have really liked smart women

Everybody used to look at Jackie O and say, “Check out the brains on her.”

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Two women are walking home from the bar, they have to piss so they slip into a cemetary.

One uses her panties to wipe herself, the other uses a wreath off a head stone.
Next night husbands are at the bar, one looks at the other and says "I'm gonna have to watch my wife she came home with no panties on last night". The other one says "Oh well mine came home with a card wedged in her ...

A lady dies and goes to heaven and is standing in front of God...

" there is one thing I've always wanted to know"

"Ok, ask away," God said.

" Do vaccines cause autism?" she asked

" The truth is no, vaccines have nothing to do with autism", admitted god.

The women shakes her head and says " They got to you too, this thing really goes hi...

Why do deaf guys like women in yoga pants?

They can read lips

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A man tells his wife that one of the neighbors fucked all the women in the neighborhood except for one...

The wife replies:
“Must be that bitch Alice down the street”

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Three women are talking about their Christmas gifts.

'My husband gave me these beautiful earrings, I love them and I wear them everyday!', says the first woman.

'Oh, that's wonderful!', replies the second one.

'Well, my husband is going to take me on a trip to the Caribbean! I'm so looking forward to it.', then says the third woman.
<...

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85% of women say their ass is too fat, 10% say their ass is too skinny

The other 5% say he’s my husband and I accept him how he is

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A women comes to sex shop

She aproaches the salesman and says "I want to take a look at your dildos please"
"Here, you can pick the blue one or the yellow one", salesman suggests
"I will take that big red one!" - Women shouts
"Ma'am, fire extinguisher is not for sale'

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If women with big boobs work at hooters, where do women with one leg work?

IHOP

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