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Why women make better assassins....

The CIA had an opening for an assassin.

After all the background checks, interviews and testing were done, there were three finalists: two men and a woman.

For the final test, the CIA agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun.

"We must know that you...

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My girlfriend told me to stop watching porn, saying it degrades women.

Joke's on her, the porn I watch doesn't have any women in it.

Barbies promote unrealistic expectations of women’s bodies.

Women’s heads are much harder to put back on in real life.

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I asked 100 random women what's their favorite shampoo was...

99 replied with, "get the fuck out of my bathroom!!”

What do you say to a bass player with a beautiful women on his arm?

Nice tattoo!

What does women breast and Disney land have in common?

They are made for kids but adults enjoy them!

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To all the hot women out there: I may be 50 years old,but I have the body of a 25 year old model with a 12 inch dick

In my freezer.

I got asked out by 15 different women today

Oops, wrong restroom...

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Two tipsy women sneak into a graveyard to pee one night.

Once done, one uses her panties to wipe with and throws them away, the other uses a ribbon from a nearby wreath.


The next day one husband called the other: "My wife came home last night without any panties!"


"That's nothing!" The other replied, "My wife had a card stuck between...

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The dean of women at an exclusive girl’s college was lecturing her students on Sexual morality......

“In moments of temptation,” said the speaker to the class, “ask yourself just one question: Is an hour of pleasure worth a lifetime of shame?”



A sweet young thing in the back of the room rose to ask: “How do you make it last an hour?”

The difference between men and women

What's the biggest difference between men and women?

What they mean when saying "I got through a whole box of tissues watching that film"

What's 12 inches long, stiff and makes women scream in the morning?

Crib death.

An Italian guy is out picking up women in Rome. While at his favorite bar, he manages to attract one rather attractive-looking blonde.

They go back to his place, and sure enough, they go at it. After a long while, he climaxes. Then he rolls over, lights up a cigarette and asks her, “So… you finish?”

After a short pause, she replies, “No.”

Surprised, but pleasantly, he puts out his cigarette, rolls back on top of her, ...

Women really know how to hold a grudge.

My wife asked me to pass her a lip balm, And by mistake, I gave her a tube of Super Glue.
It’s been a month now and she’s still not speaking to me!

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An older man fancied a young women he met.

The gentleman met the women and tried every trick in the book to get her to sleep with him, except the direct approach as she was so young and he was so married.

After some time she suddnly asked him "Are you trying to get me into bed?". Before the man could response she said "I would be hap...

*MIGHT BE OFFENSIVE* Why do women fart less than men?

Because they don't keep their mouth shut long enough for the gas to build up.

I always worry when a women sees me naked for the first time..

She's going to scream and run out of the park...

What do you call men who make "Women belong in the kitchen" jokes?

Single.

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Two Women are walking home from the bar.

They have to piss so they slip into a cemetary. One uses her panties to wipe herself, the other uses flowers and gifts off a head stone. Next night husbands are at the bar, one looks at the other and says "I'm gonna have to watch my wife she came home with no panties on last night." The other one sa...

Four Catholic women are sitting in a cafe sipping their tea, talking about their great sons. Soon it begins as a contest to see who has the best son.

The first woman proudly declares, "My son is a priest. When he

walks into a room people call him

'Father."

The second woman replies even more proudly, "My son is a bishop, when he walks into a room people call him 'My Grace."

The third woman thinking she wins replies, "My...

Which animal do women hate?

Ze-bra

I close my eyes and it’s all naked women

\- Did you ever see a psychologist?

\- No, just naked woman.

A women calls her mum about her boyfriend's dandruff

The mum replies "have you tried giving him head and shoulders?"

The girlfriend thinks for a moment, and says "how do i give him shoulders?"

The real reason women don't like guys under 6 feet.

Dead people really struggle to hold a conversation.

I asked my phone "Siri, why am I so bad with women?"

She said "I'm Alexa you moron."

Difference in friendship between men and women

A woman once didn't return home for the night and the next morning when she arrived home her husband started questioning her about where has she been. She lied saying she slept at one of her friends. The man proceeded to call all her friends all of which denied her sleeping at them the previous nigh...

Why are women so bad at parking?

Because they are constantly told nonsense about what 20 cm\* is like.

\* about 8 inch.

What do noodles and women have in common?

They both wiggle when you eat them

I was sitting in a bar one day and two women came in, talking in an interesting accent.

So I said, "Cool accent, are you two ladies from Ireland?"

One of them snarled at me, "It's Wales, dumbo!"

So I corrected myself, "Oh, right, so are you two whales from Ireland?"

That's about as far as I remember.

Why are most archaeologists women?

Because of their inherent ability to dig up the past

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Why do men give cold women their jackets?

No man wants a blowjob from a woman with chattering teeth

Women were twice as likely as men to experience depression this year.

No one was eating out.

Three friends married women from different parts of the world…

The first man married a Greek woman. He told her that she was to do the dishes and clean the house. It took a couple of days, but on the third day he came home to see a clean house and the dishes washed and put away…

The second man married a Thai woman. He gave his wife orders that she was to...

Three women are changing at the gym when a man wearing nothing but a ski mask enters the changeroom and starts dancing in front of the women.

The first woman looks at the man and says, "I don't know who this guy is, but he isn't my husband!"

The second woman takes a closer look at the man. Then she turns to the first woman and says, "You are right. He isn't your husband."

The third woman takes an even closer look and says, "...

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Apparently women really care about belly buttons

I told this girl I had an outtie and her eyes lit up

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Kegals aren't just for women!

It's just that when men do it, it's a dick move.




(First joke I've ever come up with myself, sorry if it sucks.)

(if you could improve or elaborate, feel free )

Why Women Need a Husband?

Why Women Need a Husband?

A Woman goes to a Psychiatrist and complains: “I don't want to marry. I am educated, independent, and self-sufficient. I don't need a husband. But my parents are asking me to marry. What do I do?”

The psychiatrist replied: “YOU, undoubtedly will achieve great ...

I asked Alexa what women want

This thing has been talking for six hours.

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Stop sexualizing women.

Just like them as a hole person.

Why are women and children evacuated first in a disaster?

So we can think about a solution in silence.

Women only call me ugly until they find out how much money I make

Then they call me ugly and poor

8 women broke up with Alexander of Macedonia

I guess he was Alexander-The-Fine at best.

A lot of women watch “Fixer Upper”...

...and think they can apply it to an industrial painter with multiple felonies.

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My wife was super angry when she caught me watching porn. She said it degrades women.

Jokes on her. The porn I watch doesn't have any women in it.

3 pregnant women are having lunch together when an elderly lady approaches them......... The elderly lady says: I can predict if you will have a boy or girl...... The Brunette says OK.....Will I have a boy or girl?????

The lady says...You were on top...you will have a boy....

The Brunette yells out.....I was on top and I am having a boy.

The elderly lady goes to the Red Haired woman and says....you were on bottom....you will have a girl

The Red Haired Woman yells out..... I was on bottom and I...

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A man is walking in the street and sees a women with the most beautiful breasts he’s ever seen.

He walks up to her and asks: “If I give you 10’000$, will you let me bite your boob?”
The woman, quite shocked, obviously says no.
The man then asks if he can bite her breast for 100’000$. The woman still says no. The man asks for 1’000’000$, 10’000’000$ and 100’000’000$ but the woman still re...

What do you can a podcast hosted by women?

broadcast

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My wife told me women can multitask better than men.

I told her,”No they cant and I can prove it.”she said, “ OK prove it.”

I said,”Shut the fuck up and cook my breakfast.”

She couldn’t do either one.

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Creation of Women

So Adam was moping around in the Garden of Eden, kicking little stones and muttering to himself.

The Lord, seeing this, asked Adam what was wrong.

"Well", said Adam, I've been getting these strange urges from time to time, and I don't know what to do about them."

The Lord though...

A teacher asked a student "If there are four birds sitting next to each other on a tree, and you shoot one, how many do you have left?"

The student replies "None." Curious, the teacher asks the student about his answer, and he explains that if you shoot one bird, it startles the other birds into flying away, so you're left with none.

The teacher replies "Not what I was looking for, but I like your answer."

The student ...

To all the women who are going to be making pregnancy announcements today...

You aren’t fooling anyone, you’ve been showing for months.

Women should be let out of jail after one month

Period: End of sentence.

Three women die and go to heaven

There are ducks everywhere on the ground and floors. St. Peter tells them: "This is Heaven, you can do anything you like, as long as you don't step on a duck. If you step on a duck, you will be punished."

The first woman tries very carefully to not step on a duck, but slips up and accidentall...

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Two pregnant women are in the hospital waiting to be induced.

One woman says to the other: "For our first child, my husband bought us a brand new car!"

The other woman says: "That's nice."

The first woman says: "For our second child, my husband bought us a new house!"

The other woman again says: "That's nice"

The first woman looking...

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How many women does it take to screw in a light bulb?

They’ll never get it done because they always end up fucking the pool boy while their husbands are at work instead. Fuck you Linda

Why are hurricanes usually named after women?

Because when they come, they are wild and wet. But when they leave, they take your house and your car.

Two women go to heaven and meet St Peter

He told the two women you can do anything you want here in heaven but please do not step on a duck because they make a terrible noise and racket.

The two women agreed and entered heaven. One day, one of the women accidently stepped on a duck and sure enough it made such a terrible noise and ...

I don't think women should be allowed to have kids after 40

40 kids is way too much by any standard!

Do you know that most archeologists are women?

They are pretty good when it comes to dig things from the past.

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Three friends were bragging about who has the most sex. The first guy starts, “Y'all ain't got nothing on me! I can go to any bar and bring home a new woman every night! Not only that, but I drive a corvette and have an 8 inch penis! I've slept with more than 1,000 women!”

Second guy fires back, “Oh yeah? Well I’m a top gynecologist at the highest rated hospital in the world. I make $800,000 a year, have patients and nurses who have sex with me every hour I’m at work. All the women compliment me on my 12 inch penis and I've slept with well over 5,000 women.”

La...

Has a threesome with 2 anorexic women

2 birds, 1 stone

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If you go around grabbing women by the pussy...

...at some point you'll get caught red-handed.

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A recent study shows women don't want to have sex nowadays

1000 in 1000 told me so.

Don't believe for a minute that men and women are the same

Being born male makes a vas deferens.

What does Old McDonald's farm and an old Asian women's closet have in common?

There's a muumuu here, a muumuu there....

Men are afraid of women's laughter...

Women are afraid of manslaughter.

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Why are women like KFC?

After you’ve finished with the thigh and breasts, all you have left is a greasy box to put your bone in.

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Two women are sitting on a bench in the park.

First woman says



“have you ever been picked up by the fuzz before?”



Second woman replies



“no, but I have been swung around by my tits”

Women who wear yoga pants...

Are like barb wire fence. They keep the yard safe without obstructing the view.

Two old women are discussing the disgusting habits of their husbands.

"Even after all these years, my husband will not stop biting his nails," the first woman explains.
"My husband had the same habit," the second woman explained, “but I fixed that. I just hid his teeth."

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Why do Japanese women hate condoms?

Because they like rawmen

I count women who I slept with when I try to sleep.

\- Why not sheep?

\- I only had one sheep.

Why do women have flowers on the front of their underwear?

In loving memory of all faces buried there.

Yesterday I dressed up as a woman to further understand the struggles women deal with every day.

Apparently, women are often called a “cross-dressing weirdo”.

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Why aren't pregnant women lonely in Japan?

Because they get to hang out with all the edemames.


You want OC? That's fresh off the dome

When wearing a bikini, women reveal 90 % of their body...

men are so polite they only look at the covered parts.

Why are women so bad at parking cars?

Because for the last 200 years they’ve been told that three inches are actually six.

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A man accepts a job in a village with no women

Once there, he asks a local:

-There are really no women here?

-None.

-So... What do you guys do when you need to have sex?

-There is a donkey close to the river for that.

The man tries to ignore that and goes home, from where he can see the river and therefore, the...

Women's eyes are more noticeable...

because it's the mask era

i have a lot of respect for trans women

that surgery takes balls!

Three women (one blonde, one brunette, one black haired) are sentenced to death by firing squad.

The commander says to his troops, "Ready, aim, " but before he could finish, the brunette yells out, "Tornado!" This distracts the officers and she runs free. The commander starts again and says, "Ready, aim," but the black haired woman yells out, "Hurricane!" This again distracts the officers and s...

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Guys with big dicks can talk to women. Guys with small dicks will speak to each other. What about guys with medium dicks?

They can talk to ghosts.

If women are diesel engines

Then men are starter motors. Good for about 30 seconds of action before they need a 15 minute break.

One evening an old farmer decided to go down to the pond

One evening an old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over. He grabbed a five-gallon bucket to bring back some fruit.

As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. As he came closer, he saw it was a bunch of young ...

What do Polish women get, on their wedding day, that’s long and hard?

A last name!

A wife asks her husband, "Honey, how many women have you slept with?"

The husband replies, "Only you sweetie. I was awake for all the other ones "

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Women who study abroad are considered "cultured" and "internationally minded"

I study a broad and suddenly I'm a "sex offender".

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Women see sex like buying a car

Can I see myself in this long term?

Is it safe?

Is it reliable?

Can it kill me?

Guys look at sex like parking a car.

There's a spot.

There's another spot.

Oh I have to pay? Never-mind.

Handicapped? Hope no-one sees this!

An old man: "Doctor, I am 80 years old and still chasing women".

Doctor: "That's wonderful!"

Old man: "But I can't remember why?"

Santa was accused of impregnating five women in a single year,

but the claims cannot be true. Why?
Because Santa only comes once a year.

I had a dream where I was attacked by 6 naked women.

Sounds strange dozen tit?

As a man, I don’t have a problem with breastfeeding women in public...

Except nothing comes out when they’re sucking on my nipples.

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I'd like to take the opportunity on this, International Women's Day, to refute allegations that I'm a sexist.

I've got a friend who's a woman. And I believe she should be treated as if she *is* equal.

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3 people die and end up in hell...

The first was an alcoholic, the second was a womanizer, the 3rd was a pothead.

Satan spoke: "Your punishment for squandering your lives on addiction is simple. What you valued the most in your life will be provided to you in infinite supply, however, you will remain with only your vice in a l...

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A US Navy cruiser anchored in Mississippi for a week's shore leave. The first evening, the ship's Captain received the following note from the wife of a very wealthy and influential plantation owner:

"Dear Captain, Thursday will be my daughter's Debutante Ball. I would like you to send four well-mannered, handsome, unmarried officers in their formal dress uniforms to attend the dance. They should arrive promptly at 8:00 PM prepared for an evening of polite Southern conversation. They should be e...

A lonely, angry young man started to keep a spreadsheet of all the women who he thought had wronged him.

It was the incel's Excel.

A very common male fantasy is to have 2 women at the same time

One to cook, one to clean..


Ok ban me but joke is funny.

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Women

Without women sex would be a pain in the ass

What do women put in their ears to look attractive?

**Knees**

Why can't women drive at 70 mph?

At 69, they flip over and blow a rod.

my brother and i are totally failing at reaching out to women's groups to let them know of new vaccine availability

not one response to our invitation to a johnson & johnson injection

I logged on to Reddit today and was promised Fame, Fortune, and Women

The cake was a lie.

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"Why do you women use hair straightening irons?" "To make our hair look longer!"

Doctor: "How did you manage to get that burn on your penis, Sir?"

Happy International Women's Day

During a company's annual family trip to a crocodile farm in Thailand... the eccentric boss dared any of his employees to jump into the crocodiles infested pond... and swim to the shore. Anyone who survived the swim will be rewarded with 5 million... but if killed by the crocs...2 million will be gi...

Why do women have cleaner minds than men?

Because they chnge theirs more often

Three women meet at the pearly gates

After dying, three women end up at the pearly gates and are questioned by St. Peter. He asks if they believe they are worthy of entering heaven; to which all answer that they are but they don’t know if someone is waiting for them on the other side.

St. Peter let’s them choose between the unk...

What's the one compliment women hate to receive?

"Hey, nice moustache!"

Two old women are sitting on a porch smoking cigarettes.

Ask they are smoking, it begins to rain. The first woman's cigarette gets wet and goes out. As she looks at her friend, she sees something fascinating unfold.


Her friend has brought out a condom and a pair of small sewing scissors. She unrolls the condom, cuts off the end of it, and sl...

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I’m not sexist

Being sexist is wrong

And being wrong is for Women

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Four women went to a vocational testing facility...

Four women went to a vocational testing facility to determine what skills they have that could be useful in the workforce. They entered a room where an instructor greeted them.

"Hello ladies!" the instructor said. "Our process is actually very simple. I will give you five letters, and each of...

Scientist recently linked a disease to women acting like a Karen.

It's mad cow disease.

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What do you call a physical therapist that hates women

Massageynist

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