UPJOKE
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It’s true women do make less money than men

But it’s their fault because they choose the lower paying jobs. Men, for example, choose the higher paying jobs like doctor or lawyer. Whereas women choose the lower paying jobs like women doctor and women lawyer.

Surveys show that 80% of women who wear yoga pants never do yoga …

And 100% of men don’t care.

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Recently a "Husband Super Store" opened where women could go to choose a husband from many men.

It was laid out over five floors, with the men increasing in positive attributes as you ascended.

The only rule was, once you opened the door to any floor, you HAD to choose a man from that floor; if you went up a floor, you couldn't go back down except to leave the place, never to return....

Husband: I heard a rumor that the postman's slept with all the women on our street, except for one.

Wife: I bet it's that's snooty Priscilla Quinn in Number 12.

"Siri, why am I so bad at relationships with women?"

"This is Alexa."

Why do trans women go by she/her?

Because if they went by her/she they'd be chocolate

I told a joke about miscarriage to a group of women, but none of them laughed.

I guess it was a bad delivery

How many trans women does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Just one, and you don't even need the lightbulb. Just tell her she's a lovely girl, and she'll brighten up the room instantly.

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2 women go out drinking and after a heavy night and a lot of alcohol, decide to take a shortcut through the cemetery.

Whilst taking the shortcut they both have the urge to pee so they duck down behind the gravestones and pee. They realise they have nothing to wipe with, so the first woman decides to use her pants and leaves them there. The second woman was luckier, she found a bouquet of flowers and unwrapped them ...

Why are women in the Postal service….

When it’s such a mail dominated industry.

Women are like road maps.

I spend a lot of time looking at them, but they always end up making me confused.

What starts with a P and ends in an S? (hint: men have it and women want it)

Pockets

I once saw my friend fighting a pregnant women

So I joined him to make it a two-on-two

I feel terrible for women who work for the USPS or other postal services....

It's such a mail-dominated industry

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A man told his friend he had sex with two Brazilian women

His friend: "Wow. How many zeros are in 2 Brazilian?"

Why are diversity officers in progressive companies always women?

Because it is cheaper.

When do women in prison get their period?

At the end of their sentence.

Why do women play with their hair?

Because they don't have balls

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[NSFW] It's said that women may sometimes fake an orgasm for the sake of a relationship...

...whereas men may fake a relationship for the sake of an orgasm.

Why don't Canadian women wear sleevless dresses?

Because they aren't allowed to bare arms.

3 women are on a ship that’s run out of fuel

There’s an island in the distance so the brunette decides to make a swim for it. She swims 100metres but drowns.

The redhead decides to have a go. She swims 500metres but drowns.

The blonde has no choice. She gets in the water, swims 1 mile and gets within 100metres of the island. She ...

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You know that look women get in there eye when they wanna have sex?

Me neither.

15% of women admit to having used vibrators.

The other 85% said they bought them new.

Three Moroccan Jewish women have a chat.

They've known each other for quite some time and every wednesday they have this tradition where they drink tea together and gossip and chat. The first one says: " You know my son, he had such a great year this year, if he wanted he could buy all of Paris and still have some change.". The second one ...

Qatar is one of those places were they hide their women

So men can walk around in a dress without being judged

Did you hear about the masseuse who refused to treat women?

He was a massagenist

German women love me

I saw this hot German woman and asked her phone number. She immediately gave it to me. It was so easy to remember too. 999-9999

Husband: "Scientists have found that men say about 10,000 words a day, while women say about 20,000..."

Wife (shouts from the kitchen): "It's because we have to repeat everything twice to you blockheads!"

Husband: "What?"

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I know I must be really good in bed, because women always ask me

if there’s any possible way I could make it last longer.

I Read That There Were 300 Battered Women In America Every Day

And all this time I've been eating them raw.

What do you call a potato that hates women

A Pro-Tate-o

I'm a physicist.

It’s 3 AM. A woman paces angrily in her house waiting for her physicist husband to come home. Finally he does. As he walks through the door she glares and demands “where have you been!?” Sheepishly, the physicist husband tries to explain himself. He says, “well my colleagues and I went out just for ...

Women!!!

If a man is alway wrong and a woman is always right, when a man tells a woman she is right is he wrong or right?

What do women say to guys with big wieners?

Figured you wouldn’t know.

I’m thinking of starting a beauty pageant for women with Alzheimer’s.

The winner will be crowned Miss Remember.

I once kicked a pregnant women.

I was in the womb. I'm not evil.

Women that breastfeed in public are so miserable

They never smile when I take their picture

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Women can hide the fact they are horny…

Us guys stick out

Why did the guy marry his wife above all the other women on the soccer team.

She's a keeper.

When women can't climax, it's our fault,

but when we can't get an erection, we have to go to the doctor.

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Bragging About Sex

Three guys were sitting at the bar begin to brag about their sex life….

First guy said "You all have nothing on me. I come to the bar and bring home a different woman every night. Not only that but I drive a sports car into work everyday and have a 8 inch penis. I have slept with more than 1...

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I asked 100 women what their favorite shampoo was. The top response was...

What the fuck are you doing in my bathroom?!

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Found a food that completely kills sex drive in women.

It's called "wedding cake."

Men's Helpline for Women

Dear John,

I hope you can help me here. The other day I set off for work leaving my husband in the house watching the TV.  My car stalled, and then it broke down about a mile down the road, and I had to walk back home to get my husband's help. When I got home I couldn't believe my eyes. He wa...

A group of Jewish women are out at brunch

...when the waiter comes over and says "ladies, is anything ok?"

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What would a world without women be like?

A pain in the ass.

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NSFW Why can't women ever tell men where the clitoris is?

Cause its a place to eat.

Jason Voorhees went out with a lot of women during the pandemic

Back then everyone had a masked man date

Warning: 2 professional women thieves

Guys, recently are 2 good looking women robbing people on the street, while one makes out with you, the other robs your stuff, be careful guys, i have already been robbed 6 times

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Apparently the horniest women lack the most red blood cells. Damn..

Anaemia chick like that.

Two elderly women were out driving in a large car

Two elderly women were out driving in a large car. Both could barely see over the dashboard. As they were cruising along they came to an intersection. The stoplight was red but they just went on through.

The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself: “I must be losing it, I could have sw...

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Life is like a penis

women make it hard

Why are Ukrainian women the best women to date?

No matter how many times you come over, she keeps Putin out.

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Do you know why women wear tampons when they go sky diving?

So they don't whistle on the way down.

How does a women control her liqour?

She holds him by the ears

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Three young women are at a cocktail party. The conversation turns to their husbands.

The first woman, smiling smugly, says, "My husband is taking me on a romantic break to the French Riviera for two weeks."

The second boasts, "Well, my husband just bought me a brand new Porsche."

The third shrugs and says, "Well, to be perfectly honest with you, ladies, we don't have m...

The difference between men and women.

If a woman says "smell this", it usually smells nice.

Believe all women. Really? ALL of them?

That’s the dumbest thing I’ve Amber Heard.

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A man with a 25-inch long penis

goes to his doctor to complain that he is unable to get any women to have sex with him. They all tell him that his penis is too long.

"Doctor," he asks in total frustration, "Is there any way you can shorten it?"

The doctor replies, "Medically son, there is nothing I can do. But, I do...

Why do cave men drag their women around by the hair?

>!If you drag 'em by the ankles they fill up with dirt!!<

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What do you call it when you sexually tease a women who doesn’t shave?

Beating around the bush.

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Why do men give their jacket to women when its cold ?

Because no guy wants a blowjob from a woman with chattering teeth.

Three pregnant women are chatting in a cafe.

Heather says, "I got my ultrasound done yesterday. I'm pregnant with triplets!"

"I got mine done yesterday too," says Linda. "I'm pregnant with septuplets!"

"I think I'll get my ultrasound done next week," says Martha.

The three women chat some more. Finally, Heather says, "I go...

Did you know? Bang Bus now has a female version where women seduce and have their way with them after they get them in.

They call it Suck-u-bus

After my retirement from the company I worked at for 45 years, I looked forward to some relaxation time, but my wife had other ideas...

... she insisted I take her to the local shopping centre every day.

Like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and out.

She's like most women - loves to browse & leaves me with endless time to fulfill.

Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter,...

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A mailman is delivering the mail to one of the houses on his route when he and the woman who lives there begin chatting. As the conversation continues, he notices a sheet hanging up in the middle of the living room with a small hole in it.

The mailman says, “So, may I ask what’s with the sheet hanging up?” She says, “Ahh yes. Last night we had a bunch of folks over and decided to play a game. The men got on one side of the sheet and the women got on the other. The men took turns putting their cocks in the hole and then the women would...

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Most women I know look at sex like driving a car.

“Is it safe? Is it reliable? Could it kill me?”

But most men I know look at sex like *parking* a car.

“There’s a spot…there’s another spot. Oh, I have to pay? Never mind. Handicapped? I hope no one sees *this*!”

Be afraid, very afraid

Lawyers should never ask a Georgia grandma a question if they aren't prepared for the answer.

In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand.

He approached her and asked,

\- "Mrs. Jones, do you know ...

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Two women are talking over the garden wall and the conversation turns to money.

“You know, Lauren, I’ve discovered a great way to get more money out of my old man. Last week I wore a low necked jumper when we went shopping and as I bent over the supermarket freezer one of my boobs popped out. You should have seen Bill, he nearly had a blue fit. I told him it was because I didn’...

Darts.

A Scottish couple took in a young women as a lodger.

She asked if she could have a bath, but the woman of the house told her they didn't have a bathtub inside, although if she wanted to, she could use the outside tub.

"Monday's the best night, when my husband goes out to play darts," s...

Three women are trapped on a deserted island

Three women, a blonde, a brunette and a red head are trapped on a deserted island, but can see in the distance land with obvious signs of civilization.

On the first day the brunette decides to swim to the next shore, she makes it about 1/4 of the way before she realizes she can't make it and...

Alcoholic, women lover and weed smoker go to hell

The Satan says them: "you can get out if you'll spend 100 years in a room with your main addictions".

He shows the alcoholic a room with lots of alcohol. Alcoholic says: "ok, i'll spend 100 years here".

Then he shows a women lover a room with beautiful young women.
He says "ok, i'll...

The majority of archaeologists are women.

Because of their natural ability to dig up the past.

i have a lot of respect for trans women

that surgery takes balls!

Why do women have flowers on the front of their underwear?

It's in loving memory of all the faces buried there.

The wife has just phoned me to tell me that 3 women in her office have received flowers today and they are absolutely gorgeous.

I said, "That's probably why !!"

Two blokes are out playing golf

Jim and Dave are playing golf one day when they come to the 8th hole there are two women teeing off.

Jim turns to Dave and says "go ask if we can play through"

Dave takes off towards the two women but only makes it about ten paces before he turns around and comes back

"What's t...

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A wealthy lawyer was riding in his limousine when he saw two women along the roadside eating grass.

A wealthy lawyer was riding in his limousine when he saw two women along the roadside eating grass. Disturbed, he ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate. He asked one women, "Why are you eating grass?" "We don't have any money for food," the poor women replied. "We have to eat gras...

When women get to a certain age, they begin to collect cats…

It’s called Manypaws.

Did you hear about the guy who went to Ikea trying to pick up women?

He wanted a one nightstand.

A farmer complained to me men of his profession had a tough time attracting women.

“My buddy’s a car showroom salesman and he says him and his work buddies can’t keep them away! I just don’t get it.”

That’s life, I said, fact is, a lot of women simply prefer showers over growers.

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Why are women like KFC?

After you’ve finished with the thigh and breasts, all you have left is a greasy box to put your bone in.

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What do old women and dog shit have in common?

The older they are, the easier they are to pick up.

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Dear Women,When a guy calls you hot,he's looking at your body,When a guy calls you pretty,he's looking at your face, When a guy calls you Beautiful,he's looking at your heart

All 3 guys still want to fuck you,though

What’s the difference between snowmen and snow-women?

Snowballs

Women Are Like Square Roots

If they're under 25, just do them in your head.

What’s the biggest difference between men and women?

What they mean when they say “I went through a whole box of tissues watching that movie”.

2 women, Jane and Emma, are in the afterlife waiting for judgement.

Emma turns to Jane and says "I'm just curious, but how did you die?"

Jane replies with "I burnt to death."

Emma, shocked, responds with "That sounds horrible! What was it like?"

Jane answers with "It first felt really hot and painful, but then I felt nothing. How did you die?"...

A lot of women actually turn into good drivers.

So, watch out for turning women, good drivers. (Edited and improved with necessary comma added.)

I love women with tattoos

It shows a history of poor decision making which generally works in my favor.

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Remember men, ALL women are bi

…but it’s up to you to figure out if it’s “sexual” or “polar”

My sister told me women are better at multitasking than men. I told her to sit down and shut up.

Guess what, she couldn't do either

A young man was in love with two women and could not decide which of them to marry. Finally he went to a marriage counselor. When asked to describe his two loves, he noted that one was a great singer, and the other had a delicious bakery.

"Oh." said the counselor. "I see what the problem is. You can't decide whether to marry for batter or verse."

Two attractive women were talking...

1. Hey, I had a great time last night, I slept with a Brazilian.

2. OMG, how many is a brazilian?

Women treat me like a god

They ignore me till they need something

Three women die and end up at the entrance of heaven.

There, the three women meet the caretaker of heaven. He points out that there is only one rule in Heaven; do not step on the turtles. An odd rule but the women agree with a pinch of confusion. When they enter, the only thing they can see are turtles. Everywhere turtles. A croak croak here, a croak c...

Sales of William Shatners new line of women's lingerie have been shockingly low

Maybe Shatner Panties wasn't the best brand name

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The makers of Viagra have announced that they have developed a pill to increase the wetness in women.

They're calling it Niagra.

4 religious women were chatting

First woman mentions her son:

-My son is a priest, whenever he enters a community, people stand up and call him, "Father, welcome"

The second woman doesn't seem impressed:

-My son is a bishop, people call him "Your excellency" when he is in a community.

The third woman ta...

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Young mans first-ever around-the-world cruise

A young sailor about to go on his first-ever around-the-world cruise, visits his grandfather, a retired Admiral.

“Gramps, I’m so excited to go on my first cruise,” he says.

“Well, son, let me see your pack so I can make sure you’re taking everything you need,” says the grandfather.
...

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Is sex better for men or women?

I just had a discussion with my wife about sex being better for either men or women.

She said; "Of course for women! When you have that itch in your ear, and you put your finger in to scratch it, where does it feel better? On your finger or in the ear?!"

I still am speechless.

So Leonardo Dicaprio wants to quosh rumours that he only dates women under 25...

To demonstrate this, he's now dating Pete Davidson

William Shatner

Did y’all hear about William Shatner’s failed business idea for women’s lingerie store?

Apparently, “Shatner Panties”, was not the best name for the store.

Women usually call me ugly until they see how much I actually make

then they start calling me poor & ugly

A man walks into a bar and half his head is a big orange.

A man walks into a bar and half his head is a big orange. He says, ‟I'll have a beer, please.”

The bartender says, ‟Excuse me, I could not help noticing, but half your head appears to be a big orange.”

The guy goes, ‟Yeah, had that for a while now.”

So the bartender says, ‟How d...

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A women pregnant with triplets gets caught in the middle of a shootout

And is shot three times in the stomach. She gets rushed to hospital and the doctors check her out. They tell her that each of the bullets has hit one of the babies but in a way that they will survive with no permanent damage. After the babies are born the women decides not to tell her three children...

Two well-dressed senior women are riding the downtown 1 subway line in Manhattan…

When the train pulls into the Times Square station, a man, completely naked except for his socks, boards and sits directly opposite the women and begins to man-splay.

One of the women begins to snicker, which makes her friend very frightened. She gently elbows her friend to get her to stop, l...

My late grandpa was always popular with women. One day, before he died, I asked him what his secret was. He said "I inherited a watering hole." Bewildered I replied, "What does that have to do with anything?"

"I could easily get anyone wet because I was well endowed."

I lost the bar trivia contest last night by one point. The last question was, "Where do women have the curliest hair?"

Apparently the correct answer is, Fiji.

4 men and 12 women walk into a bar.

Because of this the bar was finally removed so that no one else would walk into it.

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What do women say to men with big dicks?

Had a feeling you would have to check the answer small Weiner

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Walking home after a girls' night out, two women pass a graveyard and stop to pee.

The first woman has nothing to wipe with, so she uses her underwear and tosses it. Her friend, however, finds a ribbon on a wreath, so she uses that.

The next day, the first woman's husband phones the second woman's husband, furious: "My wife came home last night without her panties!"
...

Six topless women sounds awesome!

Dozen tit?

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One night a guy goes to get a room in a hotel. "Hello, I want a single room for the night please." "Fine, sir, here's one of our best rooms. Room 13," says the concierge and hands him the key

The guy goes upstairs, takes a shower and gets straight into bed. At about 2 0'clock in the morning, two gorgeous naked women come in and slide under the covers. When he realizes what is going on, he starts screwing both of them. He can't believe what's happening. Next morning, still surprised by la...

If women ruled the world,,,

If women ruled the world there would be no wars.

Just a bunch of jealous countries not talking to each other.

If I had a $ for every time a woman thought of me as unattractive

women would think I'm attractive

Why are women so bad at parking?

Because they've been lied to about what 8 inches look like their whole lives.

Three men hold a contest in front of a panel of women to see who can pleasure a woman best.

The first man, a body builder, is brought up to the stage and announces that he can deadlift 550lbs and can bench 315lbs. Proving it true, the man completes the lifts with ease. Flexing his muscles in front of the women and winking, he leaves the stage.

The next man, a professional chef, impr...

The old man's pool

An elderly man had owned his large farm in Louisiana for many years.

Right at the back of the farm, there was a large pond that was ideal for swimming. The old farmer had fixed it up real nice with picnic tables, horseshoe courts and some apple and peach trees.

One evening the farmer d...

Hockey seems like a women's sport....

It has periods and the players wear pads.

Little Johnny strikes again



### Teacher: Four crows are on the fence. The farmer shoots one. How many are left?

### Little Johnny: None.

### Teacher: Listen carefully: Four crows are on the fence. The farmer shoots one. How many are left?

### Little Johnny: None!

### Teacher: Can you explain...

As an endocrinologist, I have problems with pleasuring women.

I can’t even make a hormone!

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A police captain moved to a small town, upon his arrival the locals warned him there were no women in town ...

He was told that whenever he wanted to get laid he should come near the river and wait for his turn.

He never spoke about the issue with people in town until couple of months in the new job, the captain realised he could no longer wait.

He rushed to the river and saw a long line of men...

Two women who recently died were waiting at the Gates of Heaven

Woman 1: “So, how did you die?”

Woman 2: “I froze to death.”

Woman 1: “Wow, that must’ve been so painful. I’m so sorry.”

Woman 2: “It was, but after a while you go numb & don’t feel as much. How did you die?”

Woman 1: “Well, I thought my husband was cheating on me. So...

Why do Texas women make sandwiches with their left hands?

Because they have no rights.

If women had beards....

They would shave them off and then draw them back on.

All world leaders should be women!

Instead of going to war, they would just stop talking to each other.

an old man and a young women in an elevator

The young woman says, "TGIF"
The old man says "S.H.I.T"
The young woman says "TGIF" again
The old man lowers his head and says "S.H.I.T"
The young woman says "Thank God it's friday"
The old man "Sorry honey it's Thursday"

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A woman and her 13 years old son were inside a Taxi.

A woman and her 13 years old son were inside a Taxi. It was raining and all the twilight girls (Prostitutes) were standing by the roadside.



The Boy asked; “Mummy, what are all those women doing?



His Mother replied; “They are waiting for their husbands to come back from ...

Why are married women heavier than single women?

Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed. Married women come home, see what's in bed and go to the fridge.

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