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Women Jokes

I asked the gym trainer what type of machine i should use to get the best looking women

He said the ATM outside

These two guys had just gotten divorces and they swore they would never have anything to do with women again. They were best friends and they decided to move up to Alaska as far north as they could go and never look at a woman again.

They got up there and went into a trader’s store and told him, "Give us enough supplies to last two men for one year."
The trader got the gear together and on top of each one’s supplies he laid a board with a hole in it with fur around the hole.
The guys said "What’s that board for?"
The tr...

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Recently a "Husband Super Store" opened where women could go to choose a husband from many men.

It was laid out over five floors, with the men increasing in positive attributes as you ascended.

The only rule was, once you opened the door to any floor, you HAD to choose a man from that floor; if you went up a floor, you couldn't go back down except to leave the place, never to return....

Surveys show that 80% of women who wear yoga pants never do yoga …

And 100% of men don’t care.

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A women goes to the doctor because her butt hurts...

Doctor: " Where does it hurt exactly?"

Women: " At the entrance."

Doctor: "Well lady if you keep calling it an entrance then it's going to keep hurting"

It’s true women do make less money than men

But it’s their fault because they choose the lower paying jobs. Men, for example, choose the higher paying jobs like doctor or lawyer. Whereas women choose the lower paying jobs like women doctor and women lawyer.

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Walking home after a girls' night out, two women pass a graveyard and stop to pee.

The first woman has nothing to wipe with, so she uses her underwear and tosses it. Her friend, however, finds a ribbon on a wreath, so she uses that.

The next day, the first woman's husband phones the second woman's husband, furious: "My wife came home last night without her panties!"
...

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Why women make better assassins....

The CIA had an opening for an assassin.

After all the background checks, interviews and testing were done, there were three finalists: two men and a woman.

For the final test, the CIA agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun.

"We must know that you...

Why do women wear panties with flowers on them?

In loving memory of all the faces that have been buried there.

I don't think women should have kids after 35

That's just too many kids.

If women ruled the world there would be no war

Just a bunch of countries not talking to each other.

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A man is walking the Las Vegas strip, and runs into the most beautiful women he has ever met. [NSFW]

He starts talking to her, and to his luck he finds out she is a prostitute. So, he asks her.

"How much for a hand-job?"

"5,000$" she replies.

"5,000$?? You must be nuts, no way."

"Walk with me." She replies. He agrees and they walk for a moment to end up in front of a re...

Husband: "Scientists have found that men say about 10,000 words a day, while women say about 20,000..."

Wife (shouts from the kitchen): "It's because we have to repeat everything twice to you blockheads!"

Husband: "What?"

Two women go to heaven and meet St Peter

He told the two women you can do anything you want here in heaven but please do not step on a duck because they make a terrible noise and racket.

The two women agreed and entered heaven. One day, one of the women accidently stepped on a duck and sure enough it made such a terrible noise and ...

"Siri, why am I so bad at relationships with women?"

"This is Alexa."

Why don't women parachute naked?

That annoying whistling sound on the way down.

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Three friends were bragging about who has the most sex. The first guy starts, “Y'all ain't got nothing on me! I can go to any bar and bring home a new woman every night! Not only that, but I drive a corvette and have an 8 inch penis! I've slept with more than 1,000 women!”

Second guy fires back, “Oh yeah? Well I’m a top gynecologist at the highest rated hospital in the world. I make $800,000 a year, have patients and nurses who have sex with me every hour I’m at work. All the women compliment me on my 12 inch penis and I've slept with well over 5,000 women.”
...

I’m not circumcised so I only date Canadian Women…

They know how to Roll Up The Rim To Win.

Five Jewish Women Go Out for Dinner

After their meals arrive, the waiter comes over and asks, "Ladies, is anything alright?"

What starts with a P and ends in an S? (hint: men have it and women want it)

Pockets

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A wealthy lawyer was riding in his limousine when he saw two women along the roadside eating grass.

A wealthy lawyer was riding in his limousine when he saw two women along the roadside eating grass. Disturbed, he ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate. He asked one women, "Why are you eating grass?" "We don't have any money for food," the poor women replied. "We have to eat gras...

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What do you call the sexuality where you're attracted to men and women but neither are attracted to you?

Bi-yourself.

Three women are sick of their boss always leaving work early on a Tuesday One Tuesday, they all agree to wait 20 minutes after the boss has left, then sneak out themselves - their boss would never know.

The brunette left and decided to go shopping.

The redhead decided to hit the gym before meeting some friends for drinks.

The blonde decided to go home and surprise her husband, but when she arrive home she heard noises in the bedroom. She slowly walked up, peaked through the door, and ...

An Italian guy is out picking up women in Rome. While at his favorite bar, he manages to attract one rather attractive-looking blonde.

They go back to his place, and sure enough, they go at it. After a long while, he climaxes. Then he rolls over, lights up a cigarette and asks her, “So… you finish?”

After a short pause, she replies, “No.”

Surprised, but pleasantly, he puts out his cigarette, rolls back on top of her, ...

To the women who say "Men are only interested in one thing"

Have you ever considered being more interesting?

Pretty women sneezes

At a hotel restaurant, a man sees an attractive woman sitting alone at the next table. Suddenly, she sneezes, and a glass eye comes flying out of her eye socket. It hurls by the man, and he snatches it from the air and hands it back to her. "This is so embarrassing," the woman says, and she pops her...

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International women’s day should not be used as an excuse for sexist jokes

Period.

15% of women admit to having used vibrators.

The other 85% said they bought them new.

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Dear Women,When a guy calls you hot,he's looking at your body,When a guy calls you pretty,he's looking at your face, When a guy calls you Beautiful,he's looking at your heart

All 3 guys still want to fuck you,though

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80% of the women who were asked if they fake orgasms said yes.

Actually, they said “Yes! Oh God, Yes!”

Why are trans women so good at swimming?

Because they are boyn’t

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A man accepts a job in a village with no women

Once there, he asks a local:

\-There is really no women here?

\-None.

\-So... How do you guys do when you need to have sex?

\-There is a donkey close to the river for that.

The man tries to ignore and go home, where he can see the river and therefore, the donkey. A...

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Why do men give cold women their jackets?

No man wants a blowjob from a woman with chattering teeth

God took only one rib from men to create women

Because he knew, if he took a second rib, humanity would die out.

Why are women so bad at parking?

Because they've been lied to about what 8 inches look like their whole lives.

What do women say to guys with big wieners?

Figured you wouldn’t know.

A Roman soldier is bragging to his friend: 'You'll never guess with how many women I've slept!'

'Mmm?'

'Not that many!'

When wearing a bikini, women reveals 96% of their body.

But the men are so polite, they only look at the covered parts.

Why are women and children evacuated first in a disaster?

So we can think about a solution in silence.

My boss said, “Why are all the women in your office crying?”

I said, “You told me to bang some heads together.”

He said, “Talk about taking things too literally!”

So I went ahead and gave a two hour lecture on taking things too literally.

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A beautiful women is standing on a bridge!!

A beautiful woman is standing on a bridge, looking over the side and thinking about jumping off.

A homeless man walks up to her.

She sees the man coming and says, "Go away! There's nothing you can say to change my mind!"

He says, "Well, if you're going to kill yourself anyway, w...

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The Dean of Women at an exclusive all girls’ school was lecturing her students on sexual morality.

“We live today in very difficult times for young people. In moments of temptation,” she said. “Ask yourself just one question: Is an hour of pleasure worth a lifetime of shame?”

A young woman rose in the back of the room and said, “Excuse me, but how do you make it last an hour?”

The other night I overheard three very hefty women talking

Their accent appeared to be Scottish, so I approached them and asked: "Hello, are you three lassies from Scotland?"

One of them angrily screeched: "It's Wales, Wales you bloody idiot!"

So I apologized and replied: "I am so sorry. Are you three whales from Scotland?"

And that's...

My girlfriend told me women are better at multitasking than men. So I told her to sit down and shut up. Guess what...

She couldn't do either!

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A man was dating three women and wanted to marry one.

He couldn’t choose between them, so he decided to give them a test. He took $1500 out of the bank and gave each one $500 to see how they’d spend it.

The first spent it all on herself. When he asked why, she said she wanted to look her best for him.

The second spent it all on him. Wh...

God created childbirth to give women the chance to experience what it's like...

For a guy to catch a cold....

Why are married women heavier than single women?

Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed. Married women come home, see what's in bed and go to the fridge.

My job allows me to hook up with as many women as I want

I love being a mortician

What do women and pools have in common?

They both cost a lot of money to maintain for the amount of time you’re inside of them.

Women are the only creatures to defy the laws of gravity.

The heavier they are, the easier they are to pick up.

Most women would love to wake up on their birthday to the smell of fresh coffee, a nice breakfast, flowers and oral

But not my Sister.

The wife has just phoned me to tell me that 3 women in her office have received flowers today and they are absolutely gorgeous.

I said, "That's probably why !!"

My mom thinks I need to stop objectifying women, I think she is overreacting.

She asked why I broke up with the last girl and I said

"It didn't work out."

She told me to be more specific so I said

"I just told you, she didn't exercise."

Two women who recently died were waiting at the Gates of Heaven

Woman 1: “So, how did you die?”

Woman 2: “I froze to death.”

Woman 1: “Wow, that must’ve been so painful. I’m so sorry.”

Woman 2: “It was, but after a while you go numb & don’t feel as much. How did you die?”

Woman 1: “Well, I thought my husband was cheating on me. So...

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Three women are in a gym locker room dressing up to play racquetball when suddenly a guy runs through the room wearing nothing but a bag over his head.

He passes the first woman, who looks down at his penis. "He's not my husband," she says.

He passes by the second woman, who also looks down at his penis. "He's not my husband either."

He passes by the third woman, who also looks down as he runs by her.

"Wait a minute," she says....

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NSFW Why can't women ever tell men where the clitoris is?

Cause its a place to eat.

I've noticed lately that women prefer men at least 6'

away.

What do women put on their ears to look more attractive?...

Their knees.

(Not sure if this one translates well to english)

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Once there was a women's bowling team. Everyone on the bowling team was so-so at bowling, with the exception of two women.

One of the two women was named Martha. Martha was absolutely abysmal at bowling. Every single game, she got at least nine gutter balls.

The other woman was Linda, and she was the best player who had ever set foot in the bowling alley. Every time the team won a bowling match, Linda was r...

A women is out golfing and finds a frog trapped in the woods...

A Woman was out golfing one day when she hit the ball into the woods.

She went into the woods to look for it and found a frog in a trap.

The frog said to her, "If you release me from this trap, I will grant you three wishes."

The woman freed the frog, and the frog sa...

New study reveals that women slightly overweight live longer

than the men who mention it

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Whats similar between a hurricane and women?

They come in hot and wet and leave with **THE LAWN CHAIRS WE BOUGHT TOGETHER SARA YOU BITCH!**

Why do some women prefer doggy style

They hate to see a man have a good time

It’s easy to prevent women from eating tide pods

But it’s harder to deter gents

Two women die and go to Heaven...

...only to find it full of ducks. Saint Peter appears and says, "Hello! Welcome to Heaven. There's only one real rule here, and it's because God really loves ducks -- Do _not_ EVER step on a duck."

The women, slightly confused, agree to the terms. What choice is there? They head off into the...

The women of King Arthur's court must have been very happy

They Camelot

How many trans women does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Just one, and you don't even need the lightbulb. Just tell her she's a lovely girl, and she'll brighten up the room instantly.

I told a joke about miscarriage to a group of women, but none of them laughed.

I guess it was a bad delivery

Why do Texas women make sandwiches with their left hands?

Because they have no rights.

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Three young women are at a cocktail party. The conversation turns to their husbands.

The first woman, smiling smugly, says, "My husband is taking me on a romantic break to the French Riviera for two weeks."

The second boasts, "Well, my husband just bought me a brand new Porsche."

The third shrugs and says, "Well, to be perfectly honest with you, ladies, we don't have m...

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Three women died and found themselves standing at the Pearly Gates.

Saint Peter said to the first woman, "How many men did you sleep with in life?"

The first woman said, "I only slept with one man: my husband. And I didn't sleep with him until after we were married."

Saint Peter turned to the angel standing next to him and said, "Give her the key to th...

After my wife died I couldn’t look at women for 20 years

But when I got out of prison, it was totally worth it

Three women die together in an accident and go to heaven......

When they get there, St. Peter says, "We only have one rule here in heaven: don't step on the ducks!"

So they enter heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place.

It is almost impossible not to step on a duck, and although they try their best to avoid them, the first woma...

Barbies promote unrealistic expectations of women’s bodies.

Women’s heads are much harder to put back on in real life.

Women have eggs and milk in them...

And they say that they don't belong in the kitchen.

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How are KFC and women alike?

After the breasts and thighs all you have is a greasy box to throw your bone in.

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I'm starting a support group for women that can't reach orgasm.

If you can't come let me know.

I was watching the women's volleyball. 2 minuets in there was a wrist injury

Don't worry though I'm alright now

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Women can be sexist too

It's just that men are better at it like everything else.

A waiter walks up to a table full of Jewish women dining

And says "ladies, is anything ok?"

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Stranger guy with a sexy women in a hotel lobby.

A man is in a hotel lobby. He wants to ask the clerk a question. As he turns to go to the front desk, he accidentally bumps into a woman beside him and as he does, his elbow goes into her breast. They are both quite startled. The man turns to her and says, "Ma'am, if your heart is as soft as your br...

Four Catholic women are talking about their sons while having coffee together

The first woman says “My son is a priest. When he walks into a room, everyone says ‘Father.’”

The second says “My sons is a bishop. When he walks into a room, everyone says ‘Your Grace.’”

The third says “My son is a Cardinal. When he walks into a room, everyone says ‘Your Eminence.’”...

What does every women in the world want?

Nothing, they're fine.

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When I tell women about my 12” donkey dick...

They’re like “ooh I want to see it”


But when I take it out of the freezer, they’re all “I have to be going.”

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A women is cooking eggs in the kitchen when her husband comes running in…

Immediately, he sees the eggs and gasps in horror.

"Be careful! CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh, my GOSH!"

The wife, startled at her husband's violent reaction, dashes to the fridge to get some butter.

"You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW!"...

A women married and had 13 children. Her husband died.

She married again and had 7 more children. Again, Her husband died. But, she remarried and this time had 5more children. Alas, she finally died.
Standing before her coffin, the preacher prayed for her. He thanked the Lord for this very loving woman and said,
"Lord, they're finally together."...

3 blonde women walk out of a building.

When they reach their car they realize that they forgot the keys in the car.

The first one said:"I'll go see if anyone has a metal coat hanger to pick the lock".

The second one objected: "If you do that people will think we are stealing the car".

The third one exclaimed:"Hurry u...

What’s six inches long, two inches wide, and women love to get it?

A hundred dollar bill.

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Scientists have identified a food that completely kills sex drive in women.

It's called "wedding cake."

What percentage of women drivers wear seatbelts?

I don't know either, but it looks like this:

%

Where can single men over 65 find younger women who are interested in them?

In the bookstore, under "fiction".

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My wife told me women can multitask better than men.

I told her,”No they cant and I can prove it.”she said, “ OK prove it.”

I said,”Shut the fuck up and cook my breakfast.”

She couldn’t do either one.

I went on a date with a blond women last night.

"Do you have any kids?" she asked. "Yes," I replied. "I have one child that's just under two." She said, "I might be blonde, but I know how many one is."

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How are women's buttholes and 9 volt batteries alike?

You know you shouldn't, but eventually you'll put your tounge on it.

Yesterday I watched a match of women's volleyball, and 10 minutes into the game there was a wrist injury.

But by tomorrow I should be fine again.

Alcoholic, women lover and weed smoker go to hell

The Satan says them: "you can get out if you'll spend 100 years in a room with your main addictions".

He shows the alcoholic a room with lots of alcohol. Alcoholic says: "ok, i'll spend 100 years here".

Then he shows a women lover a room with beautiful young women.
He says "ok, i'll...

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What food makes women stop giving blow jobs?

Wedding cake

A women called me ugly until she found how much money I make.

Now she’s calling me ugly and poor.

i have a lot of respect for trans women

that surgery takes balls!

Even though the trans womens club is thriving

Members are dropping off

I like women who are like microwaved Play-Doh.

Hot and non-toxic.

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I can't figure women out...

I spent $5,000 on a boob job for the wife. She was delighted.

I spent another $2,000 on a nose job for her. She was ecstatic.

I spent $1,000 on lip job for her and she couldn't thank me enough.

I spent $50 on a blowjob for myself and she lost her shit! Women, I can't figure t...

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A good bar joke that always makes women laugh

Jack woke up with a huge hangover after attending his company's Christmas party. He didn't even remember how he got home from the party.

As bad as he as feeling, he wondered if he did something wrong.

Jack had to force himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he saw was couple of ...

What do you call an orgy with 8 women?

Octopus.

Did you hear about the team of mutant trans-women super-heroes?

They're called "The Ex-Men".

What do women put on their ears to look more attractive?...

Their knees.

(Not sure if this one translates well to english)

Trying to date women is a lot like paying taxes in the U.S.

they both know what needs to be done and *could* tell you but instead you're the one who needs to figure it out

It must be hard for women to work in the postal service.

It’s such a MAIL dominated industry.

Women say they like a man who is "funny" and "spontaneous"

But you knock on their bedroom window at midnight wearing a clown costume and suddenly it's all screaming and throwing things and police sirens.

What does women breast and Disney land have in common?

They are made for kids but adults enjoy them!

Why are Ukrainian women the best women to date?

No matter how many times you come over, she keeps Putin out.

Three women are trapped on a deserted island

Three women, a blonde, a brunette and a red head are trapped on a deserted island, but can see in the distance land with obvious signs of civilization.

On the first day the brunette decides to swim to the next shore, she makes it about 1/4 of the way before she realizes she can't make it and...

4 religious women were chatting

First woman mentions her son:

-My son is a priest, whenever he enters a community, people stand up and call him, "Father, welcome"

The second woman doesn't seem impressed:

-My son is a bishop, people call him "Your excellency" when he is in a community.

The third woman ta...

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