A recent study has found that women who carry a little extra weight live longer

than the men who mention it.

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I asked 100 women which shampoo they preferred.

Their number one answer was,

“HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET IN HERE?!”

My girlfriend told me women are better at multitasking than men. So I told her to sit down and shut up. Guess what...

She couldn't do either!

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I was beaten up by a busty women in an elevator.

I was staring at her boobs when she said “would you please press one?”

So I did.

A boy was feeling very nervous about his first date, so went to his father for advice. "My son, there are three subjects that always work with women: food, family, and philosophy." The boy picks up his date and they stare at each other for a long time. The boy's nervousness builds, but he then asks:

"Do you like potato pancakes?" "No," comes the answer, and the silence returns like a suffocating blanket. "Do you have a brother?" "No." After giving it some thought, the boy plays his last card: "If you had a brother, would he like potato pancakes?"

I'm honestly convinced some women do not fart.

They just hold it in, and it comes out as drama

Lots of women are turning into good drivers nowadays

So if you are a good driver watch out

Three women are about to be executed. One's a brunette, one's a redhead, and one's a blonde. The guard brings the brunette forward and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She says no, and the executioner shouts, "Ready! Aim!"

Suddenly the brunette yells, "EARTHQUAKE!!!"

Everyone is startled and throws themselves on the ground while she escapes.

The guard brings the redhead forward and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She says no, and the executioner shouts, "Ready! Aim!"

Suddenly th...

I just found out there is over 1 million battered women in the United States

and I’ve been eating them plain the whole time.

A Roman soldier is bragging to his friend: 'You'll never guess with how many women I've slept!'

'Mmm?'

'Not that many!'

Men vs Women

A man asked his wife what she'd like for her 40th birthday. "I'd love to be six again," she replied.

On the morning of her birthday, he got her up bright and early and off they went to a local theme park. What a day! He put her on every ride in the park: the Death Slide, the Screaming Loop,...

Women call me ugly until they find out how much money I make.

Then they call me ugly and poor.

Can you imagine a world without women?

It would be a big pain in the ass.

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What do you call a bisexual who can't get men and women to fall in love with them?

Bi-yourself

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Why do Canadian women use a hockey puck instead of tampons?

Cuz they last for three periods.

(I am truly sorry)

The women I meet in bars have the WORST pickup lines...



They're like, "Hey, what's your friends name?" Never works on me ladies.

Apparently 25% of women are on some form of medication for mental illness. 25%! That's horrifying.

It means 75% of them are running around untreated!

I heard a rumour there is a remake of Brokeback mountain in the works starring women

On the one hand im sick of all these remakes, on the other hand...
Will be lotion.

We need to stop giving women rights.

We need to give them lefts as well.

That way they can finally drive as good as men.

If I had a dollar for every time women found me unattractive

They would eventually find me attractive

So you like men and women, but you’re still single...

I guess you’re just Bi-yourself

My mom thinks I need to stop objectifying women, I think she is overreacting.

She asked why I broke up with the last girl and I said

"It didn't work out."

She told me to be more specific so I said

"I just told you, she didn't exercise."

What did a women’s toilet seat say to a men’s toilet seat?

”Urinal lot of trouble, mister.”

What's the difference between women and grenades?

None, if you take off the ring, half of your house is gone

We asked our 75 year old grandfather why men die before women do.

He looks over at grandma and says “because they want to”.

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Woman searching for a husband

A woman goes to the husband store. The store owner tells her each floor has better quality men, but once she leaves a floor she can not return. On the first floor are nice, cute men. "I can do better" she thinks to herself. She goes to the second floor. There she finds nice, cute men with high payin...

Why don't we send women to space?

Her:Houston we have a problem!

Houston:What is the problem?

Her:Oh you know whats the problem

The women I want to date are like my credit cards...

No interest.

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I hate having to break up with Japanese women

You have to drop the bombshell twice before they get the point

The 2000 Chinese women's gymnastics team had to surrender their bronze medal after it was discovered that Dong Fangxiao was younger than the minimum age of 16.

They would've gotten away with it too if it weren't for those medalling kids.

What 4 letter word for a certain special classification of women ends in UNT?

AUNT

Three women were returning to their village one night.

They spotted a man staggering ahead of them who was obviously very drunk. As they watched, he stumbled and fell face-down into a mud puddle. When they walked up to him, one woman turned him over to see if she recognized him.

However, his face was so covered with mud she couldn't tell, so sh...

What do good jokes and beautiful women have in common?

I don't get either of them.

A very beautiful women...

A very beautiful women was standing near my office staircase. But I couldn't gather enough courage to ask her out.

So I decided to escalator

Women.

An Aussie saying"we're men".

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Three Women are sitting at a bar.

The first woman speaks: “me and my husband have been trying anal recently, he can fit 3 fingers in my ass now”

The second scoffs and says: “that’s nothing, my husband can fit his fist in mine”

The third just turns and laughs at them.

The other women look at her and ask: “wher...

Women are like blackjack

I always go for 21 but end up hitting on 14.

What’s the difference between snowmen and snow women?

Snow balls

Don't objectify women.

This sentence is a joke cause women here is the object of the sentence.

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85% of all women think their ass is too fat. 10% of all women think their ass is too thin.

And 5% are really happy that they married him.

I asked SIRI, what do women want?

The damn thing hasn’t shut up for the past 3 days.

Women on dating sites are so confusing!

They ask for a "genuine guy" then block you when you send.........proof

Two women are coming home from a long night out

They're half way home when they both suddenly really need the toilet so they go in some bushes just outside an old graveyard. They have nothing to wipe with so the first one uses her underwear and the second one grabs a wreath from nearby.

The next night the two husbands are drinking in a bar...

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A man is walking the Las Vegas strip, and runs into the most beautiful women he has ever met

He starts talking to her, and to his luck he finds out she is a prostitute. So, he asks her.

"How much for a hand-job?"

"5,000$" she replies.

"5,000$?? You must be nuts, no way."

"Walk with me." She replies. He agrees and they walk for a moment to end up in front of a res...

In which month do women gossip the least?

February, cause it has only 28 days

I am glad they have let women in the military.

It used to be a real pain in the ass.

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Two women got pissed drunk and...

And on the way back they were walking through the cemetery and they wanted to take a piss.

One of them took a piss, wiped herself with her underwear and threw them out.

The other wiped it with a wreath. The next morning one of the husbands call the other and he said we can’t let them g...

Genie: OK, I'm ready for your third wish.

Me: Third? What about the first two?

Genie: Well, this is a little unusual, but after your first wish, you screamed like a madman and said "I wish I'd never made that wish!" So that counted as your second wish, and I erased your memory of both of them.

Me: Well, OK. I wish I real...

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When I tell women about my 12” donkey dick...

They’re like “ooh I want to see it”


But when I take it out of the freezer, they’re all “I have to be going.”

Why do women never have periods in prison?

Because a period doesn't come til the end of a sentence.

It’s easy to prevent women from eating tide pods

But it’s harder to deter gents

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Women are like hurricanes

At first they are hot, wet, and wild, but when they leave they take your house, and half your shit.

What kind of women get the most flowers on March 8?

The ones who die on March 7.

The English Women's world cup team visited an orphanage. "They looked helpless. They had a lack of hope in their eyes...."

said Aurora , age 3.

PSA for Women:

STOP STARTING CONVERSATIONS WITH "ARE YOU EVEN LISTENING TO ME?"

MEN DO NOT WANT TO HEAR THAT!

AT LEAST SAY SOMETHING FIRST!

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I hope death is a women

That way it will never cum for me

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A man is deciding between three women, which to be with. He tests them by giving them each $5000 to see what they each do with the money.

The first woman got a complete spa treatment and makeover to make herself look good for the man. The second woman took her $5000 and bought the man gifts, gadgets and trinkets he’d like to make him happy. The third woman invested the money, made a hefty return on it, and paid back the man his $5000....

Congrats to Rose Lavelle of Women’s National Soccer team for winning the Bronze Ball, awarded for being the 3rd best player at the World Cup!

Also, huge congrats to the entire Men’s National Soccer team for coming so close but not finishing, winning the Blue Ball.

Scientists recently discovered something in the air that causes women to become pregnant -

Their legs

We asked 100 women what body wash they preferred:

99% replied with “GET OUT OF MY BATHROOM YOU PERVERT!”

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A man walks up to 3 women wearing potato sacks. How does he know which one is the prostitute?

The one whose sack reads "Idaho"

Q: How are women and rocks alike?

A: You skip the flat ones.

I finally decided to stop trying to date older women.

It was fun at first, but they always get offended if you guess too old.

I treat women like Jack Sparrow treats rum.

I never have any

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How much sex does a person who likes both men and women have?

Just enough to get Bi

Why do women fart when they’re done peeing?

They cant shake it, so they blowdry!

I don’t think women should be allowed to have kids after 28.

28 kids are way too many by any standard.

Why do women from Alabama refuse to do reverse cowgirl?

They don’t believe in turning their back on family.

I prefer my wine like I do my women

Locked in a cellar for 20 years and sold for the highest bidder.

Three women die and go to heaven. When they get there, St. Peter says: “We only have one rule here in heaven: don’t step on the ducks!”

So they enter heaven, and there are ducks all over the place. It is almost impossible not to step on a duck, and although they try their best to avoid them, the first woman accidentally steps on one.

Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest man she ever saw. St. Peter chains them together and s...

My German friend and I like to rate women at Walmart on their looks...

I hate to say the guy has low standards, but I saw a lot of twos and threes. He just kept yelling NINE, NINE, NINE, NINE.

I have been with LOTS of women

In the biblical sense.

And by that I mean made up women that don't really exist.

Thanks to global warming, Inuit women are being forced to wear less and less clothing.

*No ice.*

Like my women like I like my coffee

Ground and in the freezer

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When I was younger I really enjoyed looking at women’s rears

Not much has changed except now I’m a grown ass-man

Why are ugly women pretty intense?

Because there is no light in tents.

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Women are like roses

They look and smell good but if you touch them wrong they’ll fucking stab you

Women age like fine wine

They're only good for cooking after a while

My wife doesn't mind me flirting with other women.

She finds the rejection quite entertaining.

Can we stop posting jokes about women’s menstruation, this category of humor is NOT FUNNY.

Period.

What gets easier to pick up as it gets heavier?

Women

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I was just invited to come to a benefit for legless women.

I hear the place is going to be crawling with pussy.

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Dave, a student at a university seems to be getting a lot of sexual attention from women

Day after day, Dave seems to be with a different girl. His professor, Mike, comes up and asks him what his secret is.
"Before sex, i bang my dick on my bedside table which numbs it and makes me last longer" He says.
"Wow! And that works?" Mike asks.
"Every time" Dave replies. So later tha...

Three women are sick of their boss always leaving work early on a Tuesday

One Tuesday, they all agree to wait 20 minutes after the boss has left, then sneak out themselves - their boss would never know.



The brunette left and decided to go shopping.



The redhead decided to hit the gym before meeting some friends for drinks.



The ...

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When women remove polish with chemicals, no one bats an eye.

When Hitler removes Polish with chemicals, everyone loses their shit..

The new drug for women who have trouble performing...

Now introducing Niagra™

To the women who say "Men are only interested in one thing"

Have you ever considered being more interesting?

Women used to chase after me...

then I stopped snatching their purses.

Will there be women in Heaven?

I ask because it is written;
And when he had opened the seventh seal, there was silence in heaven about the space of half an hour. – Revlation 8:1.

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I'm offering free sex to all qualifying women...

Pro boner

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Women love a man brimming with confidence.

Because without that, what else is there to destroy?

My father revealed to the me that he likes to dress in women’s clothing.

I still don’t understand it, but I appreciate his effort at being transparent.

Two women in heaven

After falling in front of a bus and dying a women found herself in front of St. Peter at the pearly gates. she was let in with after having been told the rules of heaven.

"You can do anything you like, except step on a duck"

She found that odd bu twas happy anyway.

When she ent...

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Scientists have identified a food that completely kills sex drive in women.

It's called "wedding cake."

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