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Three friends were bragging about who has the most sex. The first guy starts, “Y'all ain't got nothing on me! I can go to any bar and bring home a new woman every night! Not only that, but I drive a corvette and have an 8 inch penis! I've slept with more than 1,000 women!”

Second guy fires back, “Oh yeah? Well I’m a top gynecologist at the highest rated hospital in the world. I make $800,000 a year, have patients and nurses who have sex with me every hour I’m at work. All the women compliment me on my 12 inch penis and I've slept with well over 5,000 women.”

La...

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A man accepts a job in a village with no women

Once there, he asks a local:

-There are really no women here?

-None.

-So... What do you guys do when you need to have sex?

-There is a donkey close to the river for that.

The man tries to ignore that and goes home, from where he can see the river and therefore, the...

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Three women are in a gym locker room dressing up to play racquetball when suddenly a guy runs through the room wearing nothing but a bag over his head.

He passes the first woman, who looks down at his penis. "He's not my husband," she says.

He passes by the second woman, who also looks down at his penis. "He's not my husband either."

He passes by the third woman, who also looks down as he runs by her.

"Wait a minute," she says....

Why are hurricanes usually named after women?

Because when they come, they are wild and wet. But when they leave, they take your house and your car.

Two women go to heaven and meet St Peter

He told the two women you can do anything you want here in heaven but please do not step on a duck because they make a terrible noise and racket.

The two women agreed and entered heaven. One day, one of the women accidently stepped on a duck and sure enough it made such a terrible noise and ...

Why are women so bad at parking cars?

Because for the last 200 years they’ve been told that three inches are actually six.

What's the difference between snowmen and snow women?

Snowballs.

Two men are playing a round of golf when they get stuck behind two women.

Eventually one of the men walks over to ask if they can play through. He scuttles back and says, "When I got closer, I realized it was my wife and mistress; You go and ask them instead."
The other one walks over to the women but hurries back and says, "Small world."

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Three married women are having a "girls only" night out

**NOTE: I'm TRYING TO TRANSLATE THIS JOKE FROM MY LANGUAGE TO ENGLISH HOPE IT TRANSLATES WELL AND SORRY FOR BAD GRAMMAR**

They are enjoying a lovely evening talking about their lives as they usually do every week when they meet up, one of them is particularly excited and fails to hide her exc...

Four women in a bar are boasting about how loose they are....

The first one says “hey bartender, get me the biggest lemon you’ve got.” The bartender is confused, but brings back a large lemon and gives it to the woman. She goes to work down under, and after some exertion, stands up with no lemon in her hands.

The second lady calls to the bartender, “Ba...

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Another man accepts a job in a village with no women...

He asked his foreman "what do you do without any women here?"

The foreman replies "there's a barrel with a knothole in the side. Stick your dick in it and you'll be able to get off".

The new recruit is surprised but eventually gets horny enough to give it a try. He is amazed: it feels ...

How are women and the sun similar

Sunglasses allow you to stare at them for longer

Why do Women and Children evacuate first during any type of disaster

So men can think of solutions in silence

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What do women and dog poop have in common?

The older they are, the easier they are to pick up.

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I like how boobs are called differently for some women

Like it's called udder for your mom




^i'm ^sorry

When wearing a bikini, women reveal 90% of their bodies.

Men are so polite they only look at the covered parts.

A man ask a pretty women: ”if there is a scale of a person’s looking, on the left is ugly, and on the right is pretty, so what do you think of me?”

”I think you are in the middle,” says the women.

”So my looking is just okay,” says the man, a bit disappointed.

”No, you are pretty ugly, ” says the women.

I learned that when women smile at me,

they aren't actually smiling at me.

67% of women have used vibrators

The other 33% have brand new ones.

What do women and the weather have in common?

When it’s wet, you want to go inside.

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A different man accepts a job in a village with no women

The first few months are fine, but Bob starts to feel urges.

After work one day he asked some of his new friends what they do when they get horny. They tell Bob there is a herd of sheep just over the hill. Bob is taken back. This has to be a joke right? You don't really do it with sheep?
<...

A desert island with six women

A bloke found himself stranded on a desert island with six women. To keep it fair, it was decided he would service a different woman every night and have Mondays free. After a few months the man was exhausted, realising how tiring it was to perform constantly every night except one. Then one day, to...

Yesterday I watched a match of women's volleyball, and 10 minutes into the game there was a wrist injury.

But by tomorrow I should be fine again.

The other night I overheard three very hefty women talking

Their accent appeared to be Scottish, so I approached them and asked: "Hello, are you three lassies from Scotland?"

One of them angrily screeched: "It's Wales, Wales you bloody idiot!"

So I apologized and replied: "I am so sorry. Are you three whales from Scotland?"

And that's...

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Why do women have orgasms?

Just another reason to moan, really

Why are women expected to cook for their husbands?

Prisoners need to be fed.

Why do women live so much longer than men?

Because they're not married to women.

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There are two things that'll pissoff women, 1. If you stare at them,

2. If you stop staring at them

A man walks into a gym and asks the receptionist: “what machine should I use to impress women?”

She responded swiftly (pointing outside the door) saying “The ATM machine, sir...”

What do pets, babies, and women have in common?

They won't tell you why they are upset

So three women escape from a prison, a blonde, a brunette, and a red head.

They hide under a tarp on a work truck. The security guard is checking the tarp at the gate. He pokes his rifle at the brunette and she goes "meow, meow". He pokes his rifle at the red head and she goes "woof, woof". He pokes his rifle at the blonde and she goes "potato, potato".

women vs men

Women are so difficult. Always changing their minds...,

At 18, they want handsome men.

At 25, they want mature men.

At 30, they want successful men.

At 40, they want established men.

At 50, they want faithful men.

At ...

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Walking home after a girls' night out, two rather drunk women pass a graveyard and stop to pee.

The first woman has nothing to wipe with, so she uses her underwear and tosses it. Her friend, however, finds a ribbon on a wreath, so she uses that.

The next day, the first woman's husband phones the second woman's husband, furious: "My wife came home last night without her panties!"
...

Apparently Rihanna is partnering with Nike to make big shoes for women

They're calling them AirRihanna Grandes

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At our tattoo studio, women can flash their boobs to get a discount

The business model we operate on is "tit for tat".

Three women die and go to heaven

When they get to the pearly gates, St Peter greets them, saying "Welcome to Heaven, we hope you enjoy it here, and please don't tread on the ducks"

The women think this kind of odd but decide not to ask too many questions, and they go and start to settle in.

A couple of days pass and t...

When I was younger, I felt like I was trapped in a women's body...

Then I was born.

Can we please stop doing women specific jokes, especially about menstruation?

They aren't funny, period.

I've noticed lately that women prefer men at least 6'

away.

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A man entering the elevator bumps into a womens boob..

He says... “Madam, if your heart is as soft as your boob, I’m sure you’ll forgive me...”
She replied...” If you knob is as hard as your elbow, I’m in room 102!”

Women only call me ugly until they find out how much money I make.

Then they call me ugly and poor.

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Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus

Farts are from URANUS

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Two Amish women...

Mrs. Miller and Mrs. Yoder are in the garden digging potatoes. Mrs Miller holds a large potato in each hand and says “ These remind me of my husband Kaleb’s testicles”.

Mrs Yoder says “Oh goodness...they are that big???”

Mrs. Miller says “ No..,they’re that dirty.”

What's four inches long, two inches wide and always disappoints women?

An empty toilet roll

Do you know why Canadian women like it doggie style?

They want to watch the hockey match, too.

Here’s just how it goes with women:

You give them an inch, and they take the house.

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Women from Idaho are quite promiscuous [nsfw]

You ask her where she's from and she brings up her sex life!

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Three young women were gossiping about their sex lives

'I noticed some time ago', said the first one about her boyfriend, 'that Tom's balls are cold while giving him a bj'.

'That's funny,' says the second one. 'I noticed the same thing with Peter's balls!'

The third one says: 'I never really paid attention to that. I'm gonna try it out wit...

During a fire, a women was stuck on the 4th floor with her baby.

Fire fighters instructed her to toss the child out the window, under which they had placed a net, but the mother refused. Things looked grim until a tall, well-built man burst through the crowd and shouted to the woman. He said that he was a professional football player and that he could catch the...

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I'm so tired of women making we wear a mask during sex

And now with this pandemic I have to keep it on after, too

A study by Cambridge University shows that 57% of women have used vibrators...

...and 37% of women have new ones while the other 6% use both new and used ones.

i saw a priest doing squats while intensely praying at a women

i asked him "what are you doing?"



"im exorcising"

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"Porn shows women in a bad light," said my wife.

"Not if they film it right," I replied.

Women really know how to hold a grudge.

My wife asked me to pass her a lip balm.

And by mistake, I gave her a tube of Super Glue.

It’s been a month now and she’s still not speaking to me!

The stereotype that women should only be in the kitchen is awful.

The rest of the house needs to be cleaned, too!

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Three women were fed up with their husbands

They agree that the best way to get their husbands to help with cleaning, is to stop doing it themselves. A week later, they meet again to discuss how it went.

The first one said: 'My Harry never did the laundry. I was sick of it. I told him: 'Harry, you lazy ass, I'm not doing your laundry a...

Four women were talking to one another about their sons, whom all were men of the cloth

The first woman said, "I'm so proud of my son. He's a monsignor, and when he enters the room, everyone calls him 'His Holiness.'" The second woman said, "My son is a Cardinal, and everyone calls him 'His Excellence' when he enters a room." The third woman said, "My son is a bishop, and when he enter...

Women are tho only creature to defy the laws of gravity

The heavier they are, the easier they are to pick up

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Women love a man brimming with confidence.

Because, without that, what's to destroy?

The original actor who played Captain Kirk tried to start a Star Trek themed line of women’s lingerie.

But no one would invest in Shatner Panties.

(An oldie, but deserved a fresh posting)

Three women die and go to heaven. St. Peter tells them he ask to ask each of them a question.

The first woman walks up, and St. Peter asks her "Who was the first man on Earth?"

"Oh, that's an easy one! That was Adam!" And lights flash, and bells ring, and the gates open, and she walks in.

The second woman walks up, and St. Peter asks her "Who was the first woman on Earth?"
<...

A women asks her husband "Can you make us some eggs?"

"Do I look to you like a chicken?"

Every time I pull down my pants women scream at the size of my massive...

Kneecap. It's starting to worry me now.

I’ve always had bad luck with women.

My first wife died and now my second wife won’t.

Why is it so hard for women to find men who are caring sensitive and good looking?

Because those men already have boyfriends.

My friend is a pickup artist but has no success with women

Its probably because he spends most of his time drawing F-150s

I strongly believe women are like fine wine.

They should be kept in a dark cellar and only brought out for special occasions.

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What’s a world without women?

A pain in the ass.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why did God give women boobs and nipples?

To make suckers out of men!

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Man: I love my women like fine wine.

Woman: To enjoy them after dinner?

Man: Secretly and securely hidden in my basement.

A United States Marine was deployed to Afghanistan. While he was there he received a "Dear John" letter from his girlfriend.

In the letter she explained that she had slept with two guys while he had been gone and she wanted to break up with him.

To add injury to the insult, she said she wanted back the picture of herself that she had given him.

So the Marine did what any squared-away Marine would do. He went...

Two women are looking over a bridge.

The one says “I want to pee over the edge into the water just like men do.” So, she bends over and drops her pants. “Look, I’ll aim right for that canoe.” She says. “That’s not a canoe.” the other woman says “It’s your reflection.”

A mean, yet wealthy women's husband dies...

She goes to the preacher in the town and tells him, "I want you to preach my husband's funeral. I also want you to call him a saint."
The preacher shakes his head slightly and says, "ma'am, I cant do that. He wasn't known as a good man around these parts..."
"I will give a check right now for ...

Why do guys go to bars to meet women?

Go to target instead. The female to male ratio is 10-1 and they’re already looking for things they don’t need.

Women are like parking spaces

All the good ones are taken so when no ones looking you put it in a disabled one

I feel bad for all the nice women named Karen who have to deal with the bad stereotype of asking for managers. Sharon's too..

Because Sharon is Karen

100 Women surveyed

One hundred women surveyed in New York City were asked if they would sleep with Donald J. Trump.

Each and everyone of them replied **"Not Again"**!

Six topless women

Sounds crazy dozen tit?

How do you call the beauty pageant for women with unborn children?

Miss Carriage

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Why do women's orgasms feel so much different from men's?

Because a woman's O varies.

When two women are in a relationship together...

...how do they know which one is always right?

Understanding Women

A FATHER SAYS TO HIS SON :
"MY BOY, WHEN YOU ACCUMULATE THE UNDERSTANDING OF WHY A PIZZA IS BAKED ROUND,
PUT IN A SQUARE BOX , EATEN IN TRIANGLES, YOU'LL BE ABLE TO UNDERSTAND WOMEN. "
Author Unknown

Do you know why women fart after they pee?

They can't shake it so they need to blow dry.

They call it Mormon but the last time I checked the men are always after more women.

My GF thought her joke was hilarious.

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There are three women in therapy

The therapist says to the women you all have addictions. He says to the first woman your addiction is an addiction to money which is represented in your daughters name, Penny. He says to the second you have an addiction to food which is also represented in your daughters name sweetie.

Before ...

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NSFW Women only want one thing from me, and that is to fuck

Off.

The only type of Men Women hates the most.

Its Menstruation, you hate it when it comes you also hate it when it doesn't for several months.

I really look up to beautiful plus size women in ads.

They’re my roll models.

What do women and boxers have in common?

They're both clingy when wet!

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Do you know how you can tell that women mature faster than men?

Men don't grow boobs until they turn 40.

(Credit goes to the old guy who made me chuckle today at work)

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The only word you should call women is “beautiful”.

Because bitches love it when you call them beautiful.

One big difference between men and women is...

that if a woman says "smell this" it usually smells nice

Women always find me interesting and mysterious on the first date...

I knew that the fog machine under the table was a good idea!

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A couple of women were playing golf one sunny Saturday morning. The first of the twosome teed-off and watched in horror as the ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole.

Indeed, the ball hit one of the men and he immediately clasped his hands together at his crotch, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony. The woman rushed down to the man and immediately began to apologize. She then explained that she was a physical therapist and offered to help eas...

A group of women were at a seminar on how to live in a loving relationship with their husbands. The women were asked, "How many of you love your husband?

All the women raised their hands.


Then they were asked, "When was the last time you told your husband you loved him?"

Some women answered today, a few yesterday, and some couldn't remember.
The women were then told to take out their cell phones and text their husband - "I love y...

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What is a food that, if eaten by women, could lower their sex drive by up to 90%?

Wedding cake

Why are married women fatter than single women?

A single woman looks in her fridge, sees nothing appetizing and goes to bed.

A married women looks in her bed, sees nothing appetizing and goes to the fridge.

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What do old women have between their breasts that young women don't?

A belly button.

90% of the women that wear yoga pants dont do yoga

And 100% of men dont care.

In the final stages of a beauty pageant, only 5 women and one man remains

In the final stages of a beauty pageant, only 5 women and one man remains. The judge says "The hot ones can stay, everyone else leave."


Sean Evans wins the pageant

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I tried to translate joke from Arabic

Three women setting together talking about a new ways to initiate sex with thier husbands,
One of them says "I have a good way, when ever I want to have sex with John I touch his dick and say your dick is very cold, do you need warming it a bit?, And that's it"

next day they the second wo...

Three pregnant women: a brunette, a redhead and a blonde are sitting in a bar.

The brunette says, "I know what I'm going to have."

The redhead asked how. She replied, "Well I was on top when I conceived, so I will have a baby boy".

The redhead said, "If the logic is correct then I will have a baby girl because I was at the bottom when I concieved.

The bl...

Two women are on their way home smashed after a hen night

Stumbling around, as they wander home they become desperate for a wee. They pass a graveyard, and deciding its the only place they can be sure nobody will see them, they go in.

They go for a whizz, and woman one used her panties to clean up before discarding them behind a bush. Woman 2, worri...

The difference between mens and womens friendships

A woman came home to her boyfriend late and he asked where she had been. She said: at her friends house. The guy later called 10 of her friends and asked about it and they all denied. A man came home to his girlfriend and she asked about the same thing as the boyfriend had before and he said. At my ...

Two women go to Spain to buy a bull...

Two women got sent to Spain from America to buy a bull for a wealthy Rancher.

They have a great time travelling and sight seeing.
They lose themselves in the fun and end up spending all of their bull-purchasing money buying match tickets to watch the El Classico. Once the euphoria is over,...

I grew up listening to music that demeaned women, glorified violence and normalized criminal behavior. I know it definitely influenced the culture around me.

Thankfully, I stopped listening to country music and found hip hop.

Women complain about men sitting on the toilet too long.

What kind of king doesn't sit on his throne?



P.s. sorry if this is unoriginal. It sounds too good to not be taken.

Old Women Bragging About Their Sons

Three old ladies are sitting around a table playing bridge and bragging about their sons. “My Freddie,” said Margaret, “Everyone should be so lucky to have a son like my Freddie. Once a week he brings me a huge bouquet of flowers, he’s constantly bringing me out to restaurants to eat, if I so much a...

This is a presentation of top 10 women I have slept with before

That’s the end of my presentation

A Women was prescribed male hormones

for a rare heart condition. After a few weeks, she became concerned about some side effects she was experiencing.

"Doctor," she said, "the hormones are helping my heart, but I am afraid that you have given me too much. I am starting to grow hair in places I have never grown it before."...

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