My boss said, “Why are all the women in your office crying?”

I said, “You told me to bang some heads together.”

He said, “Talk about taking things too literally!”

So I went ahead and gave a two hour lecture on taking things too literally.

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How are women's buttholes and 9 volt batteries alike?

You know you shouldn't, but eventually you'll put your tounge on it.

A drunk was in front of a judge. The judge says, "You've been brought here for drinking and molesting women."

The drunk says "Great! Let's get started."

A young man was in love with two women and could not decide which of them to marry. Finally he went to a marriage counselor. When asked to describe his two loves, he noted that one was a great poet and the other made delicious pancakes...

"Oh." said the counselor. "I see what the problem is. You can't decide whether to marry for batter or verse."

3 women die and go to heaven. The only rule? Do NOT step on a duck.

3 women die and go to heaven. God tells them that they are free to do as they please, but there is only one rule. Never. Step. On. A. Duck. Seems easy enough.

The next day the first woman steps on a duck. POOF! She is suddenly handcuffed to a really ugly guy. The other 2 women make sure to be...

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A man is walking the Las Vegas strip, and runs into the most beautiful women he has ever met.

He starts talking to her, and to his luck he finds out she is a prostitute. So, he asks her.

"How much for a hand-job?"

"5,000$" she replies.

"5,000$?? You must be nuts, no way."

"Walk with me." She replies. He agrees and they walk for a moment to end up in front of a res...

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Genghis Khan and his soldiers attacked a tiny village of their enemy country and took all the men and women as prisoners..

Later in the evening,after being intoxicated,the sadistic Genghis decides to play a game..

He asks all the men from the village to stand in a line and strip down their pants..

He then instructed one of the wives of the men to be blindfolded and she should recognize her husband after ex...

I asked 100 women which shampoo they preferred.

Almost all of them replied, “How the hell did you get in here?”

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My wife was super angry when she caught me watching porn. She said it degrades women.

Jokes on her. The porn I watch doesn't have any women in it.

Why are there no women magicians?

Because we burned them all

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I like my coffee like my women.

Without a penis

A recent study has found that women who carry a little extra weight live longer

than the men who mention it.

A world without women

Would be a pain in the ass

A lot of women actually turn into good drivers.

So if you’re a good driver, watch out for the women turning.

Why are women and children evacuated first in a disaster?

So we can think about a solution in silence.

A women called me ugly until she found how much money I make.

Now she’s calling me ugly and poor.

A white guy, a black guy, an Indian, an Asian women and a girl in a wheel chair walk into a bar

They are celebrating being on the cover of a middle school math book

After my wife died, I wasn't able to see any women for 25 years.

But now that I've been released from prison, I know it was worth it.

Why can't most women park a car?

Because they have been lied to all their lives about how large 20 cm is.

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Women have absolutely no idea how to chat up us guys.

As if "Fuck off you loser" was going to get me into bed.

Women are like grenades....

Remove the ring and your house is gone

Why can't women be writers?

They're afraid of periods.

Women defy the laws of physics...

They are easier to pick up the heavier they get...

According to women, men dont have feelings

But that's just not true at all, we sometimes feel hungry and thirsty.

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All women are sex objects

Whenever you ask them for sex, they’ll object

A boy was feeling very nervous about his first date, so went to his father for advice. "My son, there are three subjects that always work with women: food, family, and philosophy." The boy picks up his date and they stare at each other for a long time. The boy's nervousness builds, but he then asks:

"Do you like potato pancakes?" "No," comes the answer, and the silence returns like a suffocating blanket. "Do you have a brother?" "No." After giving it some thought, the boy plays his last card: "If you had a brother, would he like potato pancakes?"

My girlfriend told me women are better at multitasking than men. So I told her to sit down and shut up. Guess what...

She couldn't do either!

Women are like swimming pools.

They cost a lot of money to maintain, considering the amount of time you spend inside them.

Jokes about a women's menstrual cycle just aren't funny

Period.

Why are married women heavier than single women?

Single women go home, see what’s in the fridge, and go to bed.
Married women come home, see what’s in the bed, and goes to the fridge

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When a women buys a dildo, it's a bit of naughty fun!

But when a guy orders a 240 volt Fuckmaster Pro 5000 blowup latex doll with 6 speed pulsating pussy, elasticized anus with non-drip semen collecting tray, together with optional built-in realistic orgasm scream 7.1 sound system, he's called a pervert.

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A Policeman stops an old women carrying 2 sacks.

One of the sacks has a hole and is leaking 20 dollar bills.
The cop asks the woman, “Where did an old lady like you get all of that money?”

She replies, “Well, there’s a golf course behind my house and when golfers need to go to the bathroom, they stick their penis through a hole in my...

A new tattoo studio opened in my neighbourhood which offered free sessions to any women who flashed the artist.

It was called 'Tit for Tat'

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Two women are walking home from the bar, they have to piss so they slip into a cemetary.

One uses her panties to wipe herself, the other uses a wreath off a head stone.
Next night husbands are at the bar, one looks at the other and says "I'm gonna have to watch my wife she came home with no panties on last night". The other one says "Oh well mine came home with a card wedged in her ...

Why do deaf guys like women in yoga pants?

They can read lips

Locals have discovered a little hole in the wall of the women's bathroom

Police have said they're looking into it

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Three women are talking about their Christmas gifts.

'My husband gave me these beautiful earrings, I love them and I wear them everyday!', says the first woman.

'Oh, that's wonderful!', replies the second one.

'Well, my husband is going to take me on a trip to the Caribbean! I'm so looking forward to it.', then says the third woman.
<...

What do you call it when a women gets irrationally upset while on her period?

An ovaryaction.

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If women with big boobs work at hooters, where do women with one leg work?

IHOP

JFK must have really liked smart women

Everybody used to look at Jackie O and say, “Check out the brains on her.”

Why do women/girls often go to the bathroom/restroom together?

Pee-er Pressure.

Gorgeous women have trouble successfully shoplifting

Because everyone in the store is trying to check them out.

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Why do women get so annoyed about a bit of piss on the seat?!

I’ve paid full price for this bus ticket, i’ll do what I want

Wife says to Husband, I am going donate all of my clothes I no longer wear to poor starving African Women:

Husband replies,

If your clothes fit them, they are definitely not starving:

All men should make coffee for their women.

It says right in the Bible: "HEBREW"

The male owner of a business is interviewing a young woman just about to graduate from an all-women’s college.

She was very excited about her interview but wanted to make sure that this business was progressive when it came to women in the workplace. It seemed like every company she interviewed at were run by horrible misogynists. When it came to the part of the interview when he asked her if she had any que...

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Women are super great at multitasking, but men can beat them in one thing

Having headache and sex

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I over heard some sexist guy claim, “Women are the weaker sex.” So, I kindly reminded him

that technically all women are Body Builders.

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85% of women say their ass is too fat, 10% say their ass is too skinny

The other 5% say he’s my husband and I accept him how he is

What do you call armour made for women?

She-mail.

A Roman soldier is bragging to his friend: 'You'll never guess with how many women I've slept!'

'Mmm?'

'Not that many!'

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Three pregnant women knitting sweaters for their unborn kids.

Three pregnant women are knitting sweaters for their unborn kids. The first woman says “I hope my baby is a boy, I’m using blue wool”. The second woman says “I’m hoping for a girl, my sweater is pink”. The third woman says quietly “Weeeelllll, I hope my kid is deformed..I’ve fucked up the arms!”.

A researcher conducted a study on the thoughts and feelings of women after having an abortion.

The findings were not a parent.

Why are women good historians

Because they know their periods

Did you know women..

..are literal body builders.

I don't understand why people are disgusted by domestic violence against pregnant women.

At the end of the day, it's 2 against 1.

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What's the difference between Korean women with large breasts and lobsters?

One group is Busty asians and the other is Crustaceans.

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Three pregnant women are sitting around the waiting room the their OBGYN...

Three pregnant women are sitting around the waiting room at their OBGYN knitting jumpers for their expected babies. One woman reaches into her purse and pulls out a handful of pills and Swallows them. The other mothers look at her with disapproval stares and she says, "Oh no, these are just prenatal...

Three women are about to be executed. One's a brunette, one's a redhead, and one's a blonde. The guard brings the brunette forward and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She says no, and the executioner shouts, "Ready! Aim!"

Suddenly the brunette yells, "EARTHQUAKE!!!"

Everyone is startled and throws themselves on the ground while she escapes.

The guard brings the redhead forward and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She says no, and the executioner shouts, "Ready! Aim!"

Suddenly th...

You know what they say about women and politics?

Righty tighty, lefty loosey

I started dancing so that I could sleep with women...

But my signature move was always a beat off.

Two women are in a insane asylum

Eventually they can't take anymore.

#THEY DECIDE TO ESCAPE!#

At night they slip out of their rooms and sneak towards the stairs. They climb up the stairs and make it to the roof. From there they can smell the fresh air, and taste freedom. All they have to do is jump to the next buildin...

What’s the difference between a group of pygmies and a women’s cross country running team?

One of them, is a Cunning bunch of Runts...

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Two women go out one Saturday night without their husbands. As they come back, right before dawn, both of them drunk, they felt nature calling.

They noticed that the only place to stop was a cemetery.

Scared and drunk, they stopped and decided to go there anyway.

The first one did not have anything to pat herself dry with, so she took off her panties, used them and discarded them.

The second woman, not finding anything ...

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As a male comedian, I treat women as sexual objects.

Is this thing on?

Testing... testing...

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3 women are out on the town for a girl's night.

After 3 hours at the local bar, they are all completely hammered and finding a cab was difficult, so they all decided to walk home. After about 20 minutes they had to piss but no place was open as it was past 3AM however they found a cemetery that was discreet for them all to urinate. The First woma...

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I was beaten up by a busty women in an elevator.

I was staring at her boobs when she said “would you please press one?”

So I did.

I'm honestly convinced some women do not fart.

They just hold it in, and it comes out as drama

What's the most important difference between men and women?

What they mean when they say "I went through an entire box of tissues during that film".

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What’s the sex speed limit for women?

68. Because at 69, they blow a rod.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Three women in a bar

So, there were three women sitting in a bar and were have a grand old chat.

A man was sitting not too far away and was quite intrigued by their accent and couldn't quite place it.

He walks up to them and says "Excuse me ladies, are you women from England".

One of the ladies seem...

Did you hear about the english professor that's been with all the women in the college?

Turns out he's a real cunning linguist.

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What is the most unexpected place for piercing on women's body?

Dick

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Three women are at an exclusive health club in Miami. They are debating how much to tip the towel boy.

Edith says, “I’ll give him five bucks.” Esther says, “I’ll give him ten.” “What about you, Rose, what are you going to tip him?” asked Edith. “I’m going to give him sex,” she said.
“Huh? Are you crazy?” asked Esther.
“No. In fact, I was wondering about this yesterday. So I called my husband,...

I don't know why people knock dad jokes, women love them.

Otherwise they'd be called bachelor jokes.

Women: "What do we want? TELEPATHY! When do we want it?"

Women: "Well when do you think we want it?!"

One of my family photo dropped under a women's feet while sitting on a bus. When I asked her politely, I was shocked she slapped me.

I asked her, "Could you lift up your leg? I need to take a picture under your skirt".

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I was amazed to learn that one quarter of women dislike giving oral sex.

25%. Mind blowing.

Women are like trash.

They are one man's nightmare and another man's treasure.

Three women all die in a car crash and go to Heaven on the same day....

They are waiting at the gate when St. Peter arrives and greets them, "Welcome to Heaven, ladies. There is only one rule here in Heaven and it is don't step on the ducks." The women each look at each other confusingly. St. Pete opens the gate and sure enough there are thousands of tiny ducks covering...

Two women archaeologists are down in Mexico excavating an ancient Mayan burial ground looking for some remains to take back to their museum.

Unfortunately, everything they run across is badly decomposed. One of the two says, "We don't seem to be having much luck."
The other replies, "Keep on digging, honey, a good Mayan is hard to find!"

When a guy sleeps with a lot of women, he is called a stud...

But when a woman does... she is your mother.

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What do cats and women have in common?

They both fucking hate me

Women are like computers.

They won't take my 3.5 inch floppy.

My mom thinks I need to stop objectifying women, I think she is overreacting.

She asked why I broke up with the last girl and I said

"It didn't work out."

She told me to be more specific so I said

"I just told you, she didn't exercise."

Women and Crime...

Despite making up roughly 49% of the population.

Women are responsible for 100% of the crimes in space.

Women can receive up to $8,000 for donating their eggs. Can you imagine if men were compensated the same amount for their donation?

I’d have a sock at home worth $72,000

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What do you call a bisexual who can't get men and women to fall in love with them?

Bi-yourself

NSFW: Why don't old men go down on old women?

Have you ever tried to peel apart a grilled cheese sandwich?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why do Canadian women use a hockey puck instead of tampons?

Cuz they last for three periods.

(I am truly sorry)

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

As a man, I am really tired of women calling me superficial

Especially since most of those women are fucking ugly

Women Friends chatting in office.

Woman 1: I had a fine evening, how was yours?

Woman 2: it was a disaster. My husband came home, ate his dinner in three minutes and fell asleep in two minutes. How was yours?

Woman 1: Oh it was amazing! My husband came home and took me out to a romantic dinner. After dinner, we walked ...

what do you call a group men that chose to become women

X-men

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- Tell me, Rabbi, can a Jew look at women in bikinis?

I'm leaving for a vacation tomorrow, and surely there will be lots of girls in bikinis on the shore...

\- Oh, nothing wrong with that.

\- I'm a bit worried about looking at women other than my wife. And if they'll be topless? Can I look at them?

\- Yes, you can.

\- But wh...

Women Treat me Like GOD





They ignore me until they need something........

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[NSFW] What's the best thing about 90s women?

No Penis

Read an article last week that said women aren’t getting married because there’s less “economically attractive” men...

...so we’ve finally reached equal pay.

A guy walk up to a bar with two women and says "you ladies from Scotland? They give him a dirty look and say "Wales"

"Oh I'm sorry, are you two whales from Scotland?"

I just found out there is over 1 million battered women in the United States

and I’ve been eating them plain the whole time.

Scientists have proven that there are two things in the air that have been known to cause women to get pregnant

Their legs

Why is Neymar so popular with women?

As soon as he's anywhere near the box he'll go down.

Men vs Women

A man asked his wife what she'd like for her 40th birthday. "I'd love to be six again," she replied.

On the morning of her birthday, he got her up bright and early and off they went to a local theme park. What a day! He put her on every ride in the park: the Death Slide, the Screaming Loop,...

3 women before a firing squad

3 women were going before a firing squad, and before they went out they all agreed to yell something disastrous to distract the shooters. The first one, a brunette went out and as they ask her if she had any last words, she yelled as loud as she could, "Tornado......"!!!!!!!! The squad ran for cover...

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I don't know why Epstein had to chase after young girls. I'm sure grown women were impressed by his dick size.

After all, he was hung.

I heard it’s easy to convince women not to eat Tide Pods…

But a lot harder to deter gents!

Three women at the Stairway to Heaven

Three women(brunette, redhead, blonde) all die, and find themselves at the foot of the Stairway to Heaven.

They are visited by an angel, who says, “For each step on the Stairway you take, you will hear a joke. If you do not laugh, you may continue; however, if you DO laugh, you must stop and...

Why do women get out of jail sooner than men?

Because periods ends sentences.

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