Textbook Jokes - 42 Hilarious Textbook Jokes

$2.1 million worth of textbooks were stolen the other day

All eight books were recovered.

Textbooks

The podiatry textbook used footnotes while the proctology textbook used endnotes.

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Damn girl, are you a math textbook?

No, why?

Because you have a lot of fucking problems

My statistics textbook got struck by lightning TWICE in ONE DAY!

*sigh*

Don't even ask...

I pirated an ethics textbook.

I'll find out if I did the right thing soon enough.

What did the textbook say to the highlighter?

Mark my words

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A first-year college student found himself repeatedly impressed by the wit and wisdom of the philosophy majors he'd met...

A first-year college student found himself repeatedly impressed by the wit and wisdom of the philosophy majors he'd met. One day he plucked up the nerve to ask one of them, "So how come all you philosophy majors are so smart?"

"Oh, that's no mystery," the philosophy major answered. "We've al...

I dropped my textbook in class today to cover up my bad gas and nobody heard me

It was a total eclipse of the fart

I just got my math textbook for College Trig, and it’s a little emo

It’s called *I Write Sines Not Trajectories*

Why do math textbooks only ever give you one angle in a triangle?

Just cos.

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My Girlfriends asked me why the Body cells go through Meiosis and why her textbook sexualized them.

I replied "Sex Cells."

It's year 2540..

A student notices something off about his textbook, "how come these textbooks skip the years 1990 through 1999?" The teacher puts his air marker down on the table, lowers his head, and sighs. "Because...." he lifts his head, a single tear rolls down his cheek, "....only 90's kids remember the 90's"

A virus walks into a bar, and sits down. The bartender tells him, "We don't serve your kind here."

The virus is momentarily taken aback by this unexpected and blatant display of bigotry, the likes of which he's only seen in history textbooks.

For a brief moment, he considers the bartender. What kind of life experiences would shape someone into such a pathetic piece of garbage? What happene...

Why is the last chapter in a chemistry textbook about benzene?

Because it's the PHENYL CHAPTER :D

I came up with this myself. I'm so proud.

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A tourist returns back home

A tourist travels all over Asia and has unprotected sex wherever he goes. A few days after he returns back to America he notices that his penis is covered with green and purple spots. Alarmed, he immediately visits a doctor.

'Oh boy, that's obviously the infamous 'Mongolian Spotty Dick Syndro...

The Age Factor

(Taken from Reader's Digest Year:1998)

Even though she's been teaching English for 25 years, my mother never felt her age was an issue, until the day she helped a student with a report on the Vietnam War. Mom recognised the name of a war correspondent mentioned in the textbook and blurted, "I...

How do you hide money from a Republican?

Put it in a science textbook.

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A young Spanish teacher, fresh out of college, is hired at a public school.

On her first day, the principal decides to observe, and sits down next to Little Johnny. She starts writing a sentence in Spanish on the board. As she does, a piece of chalk breaks and she bends down to pick it up. When she finishes writing her sentence, she asks, "Now, kids, who can translate this ...

Fun fact: Having friends gives you memory loss.

I read this in a textbook on page 53 at 4:37 PM on Friday May 12, 2006

I think this post will definitely raise the bar.

At least that’s what my physics textbook chapter on leverage tells me.

Mongolian VD

A man goes to the doctor and says "I just got back from South-East Asia and I seem to have picked up something". So the doctor says "let's take a look" and the patient drops trou and his pride and joy has turned a sickly green with vibrant purple spots on.

"Oh my," says the doctor, "up to now...

I'm from far in the future, the year 2104.

I came to ask you all a question; Why does my history textbook have a separate chapter for every month of 2020?

My university just cancelled classes after collectiing tuition, room, and board

The bookstore said my textbook edition was already out of date

My college professor makes extra money by forcing his students to buy his book at the beginning of the term.

It’s textbook Economics.

A panicked mathematician rushes into his professors’s office...

The professor looks up in shock from his work to see one of his students slamming a high school geometry textbook on his desk.

“What’s wrong?!” exclaims the professor.

“They’ve updates the syllabus,” the mathematician replies.

The professor, still confused, watches the mathemat...

A guy carrying a backpack gets stopped by the police on suspicion of terrorism..

The police officer asks him to let him check his backpack. The guy obliges. In his backpack, the officer finds some textbooks, a calculator, a compass and a ruler.

"Aha!", shouts the policeman, "as I suspected. You are under arrest!"

"But why?" the guy protests.

"You have been c...

Took a class at Trump University but ...

... the textbook had four Chapter 11s.

Campus bookstore robbed

The Campus bookstore was just robbed of $25000. The criminal was seen taking a sweatshirt and 4 textbooks

A Classic!

A ten-year-old boy was failing math. His parents tried everything from tutors to hypnosis, but to no avail. Finally, at the insistence of a family friend, they decided to enroll their son in a private Catholic school.

After the first day, the boy's parents were surprised when he walked in af...

A joke from Taiwan slightly adapted to suit the world better

At a high school reunion, a group of people were having a chat, looking back on their childhood.

One of the guys said: "I used to look really pretty and my mom always took care of my looks, so everyone thought I was a girl."

Another replied: "That definitely caused a lot of troubles!"<...

Today, in math class,

I had the urge to fart. I had the bright idea that if I dropped my textbook and farted at the same time, nobody would hear it. I dropped my textbook, everyone looked at me, then I farted.

Loudly.

[Long?] A kid in a warzone was being taught reading in school. Since they were learning the "-omb" sound, the teacher showed a picture of an Egyptian tomb.

"Toom," the teacher said. The kid repeated.
Next the teacher pulled out a science textbook, and pointed to a mother's womb.
"Woom," the teacher said. The kid repeated this again.

Suddenly a man walked in with a bomb.
"BOOM" yelled the kid excitedly.

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A man goes to the doctor and he says "Doctor, Doctor you've got to help me...

A man goes to the doctor and he says "Doctor, Doctor you've got to help me, I can't stop singing what's new pussycat"

The doctor says "Seems like a textbook case of Tom Jones syndrome"

The man says "Well, what is it? Is it rare"

And the doctor goes "Well, It's not unusual"

King Hype Oten ruled all the land.

He was the magnificent king of the Triangular Kingdom, but he was also the executor for those on trial. He hung his victims, a sign to everyone else. But the way he tied the noose was strange. It would kill people in seconds, and for some, it decapitated them. After he died, the noose was never used...

I started a job today at the local cemetery...

The boss wanted me to start 3 graves for some upcoming burials. I went to the maintenance shed to get the backhoe. I didn't see it inside. I found the head of maintenance. A hippie looking guy straight out of the 60's. Long hair, tie dye shirt, peace symbol necklace, bandanna. The whole nine yards. ...

The king of the insect kingdom is feeling depressed...

So he asks his advisors for help. The king says, "Oh, advisors, I am feeling quite sad. Our life is so short as insects and we don't do anything but work!"

The advisors tell him that he needs to find the best joke ever to cheer him up. The king thinks this is a good idea so he travels the kin...

My entomology prof was a pretty weird guy.

He showed up like 15 minutes late on the first day of class, then muttered something about how that didn't matter. Old dude, really old, lots of facial hair and wearing old-fashioned clothing and a funny hat.

He sets his books down on the desk, then straightens up and says "What is a *musca d...

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[NSW] Bugs Bunny helps Daffy Duck understand the Theory of Relativity.

Bugs and Daffy are chilling in their dorm at the Looney Tunes University. Clearly frustrated with his physics homework, Daffy slams his textbook, and tells Bugs "This Theory of Relativity crap is confusing the fuck out of me any chance you can help me understand this shit?"

Bugs calms his fr...

Bosnian X-Files

In Sarajevo hospital, at intensive care unit, a patient would die every single Friday at exactly 11 PM, in the very same bed, no matter what their medical condition may have been.

Doctors became extremely worried because they couldn't determine causes of their deaths.

Time passed on a...

[LONG] A man is trying to land his dream job of being a barber...

For months he’s been studying proper haircutting technique. He has painstakingly flipped through each page of the most rigorous hair textbooks, watched video tutorials from the best salons, and read countless articles about current hairstyles.

Finally, it was the day of his job interview. He ...

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The Duck in the Bottle

A man is on a quest for true enlightenment. His travels led him to sit with the Dalai Lama.

Man: Sir, do you have the answer for enlightenment?

The religious figure walks away but comes back with a bottle and a duck.

He hands both to the man and tells him,

"The day yo...

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John has a meeting with his boss...

He walks in to the office and his boss says, "Jesus, John. You look absolutely terrible! Why didn't you just take a sick day?"

John is very surprised to hear this and says, "What do you mean? I feel absolutely great."

His boss wouldn't have it and insisted that John leave work immediat...

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