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Dictionary Jokes

I just read through six pages in a dictionary.

I learnt next to nothing.
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Just found the absolute worst page in the dictionary

What I saw was disgraceful, disgusting, dishonest and disingenuous.
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I am so bored I started reading the dictionary from start to finish.

I am past caring.
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Me: I've lost the dictionary

Her: Can you look upstairs?

Me: I can't look up anything
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Did you hear that they're making a Broadway production based off the dictionary?

It's a play on words.
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Last night I tried to read the dictionary in bed but didn't finish it.

I got up to p
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What word is spelled wrong on every dictionary.

Wrong
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What’s the longest word in the dictionary?

Smiles. Because there’s a mile between the two S’s
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Dr. Samuel Johnson, author of the first great dictionary of English language, was visited by a delegation of respectable ladies of London.

“Dr Johnson,” they said, “we congratulate you for omitting all indecent or obscene words from your dictionary.”

“Ladies,” said Dr. Johnson, “I congratulate you for looking them up.”
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How is a thrown dictionary similar to birds flying south for winter?

They’re both flying information.
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I once abused someone with a dictionary...

The judge didn't know whether to charge me with verbal or physical assault
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A panda walks into a restaurant and orders a plate of bamboo

When he’s finished with his meal, he hops up onto the table, pulls out two Glock 45s and unloads both magazines, blasting everything in sight.

When the guns are empty, he throws them down and starts walking towards the door. The bartender looks up from behind the bar and yells, “Hey! What th...

I’m tearing out pages of the dictionary.

I’m up to Mischief.
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A radio station in Ireland is taking calls to find a word that is commonly used but isn't in the dictionary yet...

The first caller get's through,

"Hello! What word do you think should be in the dictionary?"

"Goan!"

"Goan? Can you use it in a sentence?"

"Yeah, go'an fuck yerself!" The caller then begins laughing until the station can cut off his call.

After several more calls t...

I once swallowed a whole dictionary.

It gave me thesaurus throat I've ever had.
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I read the dictionary the other day

At the start you think it’s the aardvark, but by the end it turns out the zebra did it.
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A Dictionary and a Thesaurus are in a library...

A Dictionary and a Thesaurus are in a library. The librarian who has taken good care of them for years and years is retiring. Understandably, the Dictionary and Thesaurus are both sad.

The Thesaurus says to the Dictionary "I can see how distraught you are."

The Dictionary responds "Yo...
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A man asked his friend," what do you call a dictionary on drugs? "

His friend replied," If it is addictionary I swear to God I am going to kill you."

The man replied," I was going to say ' high definition ' but yours is better.
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I bought a dictionary and when I got home I realized all the pages were blank...

I have no words for how angry I am.
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All I asked for this Christmas was a dictionary and I didn't get one

I'm at a loss for words.
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My son chewed and swallowed a dictionary.

We gave him Epsom salts - but we can't get a word out of him.
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I keep telling people gullible isn't in the dictionary

Don't believe me look it up
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When you have finished reading the dictionary

Every other book is just a remix.
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Dictionary definition; 'lackadaisical'

*noun* 'A bicycle built for one'.
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I was reading through the dictionary the other day I couldn't believe what I found.

Nothing starts with N.
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I remember meeting a guy, before the days of the Internet, who wanted to try and start a new 'Joke Format' and I'm interested to see if it catches on.

It's like a 'knock knock' Joke in that you have a set-up line response sort of thing like this:

1. 'I started a new business'
2. 'Oh yeah? What business are you in'
1. 'The Rollercoaster business'
2. 'And how's business?'
1. 'it has its ups and downs'

Or

1. 'I s...
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My wife bought me a camouflage cover for my dictionary and it's just what I always wanted

I'd like to thank her, but I can't find the words
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I don't understand how so many people struggle to find basic words in the dictionary.

I had no less than 5 people tell me that "gullible" is not in the dictionary. The smug assholes just laughed when I proved their dumb asses wrong.

I'll never use that dictionary again...

The definition it gave for "obfuscate" was confusing and misleading.
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I couldn't afford a nice television, so I just smoked a ton of weed and read the dictionary.

High definition.
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All these jokes about Hamlet on top of a dictionary are getting tiresome

When it's just a play on words.
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Me and my GF had a fight about the dictionary

And you know one word led to another
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People always call me a walking dictionary

I thought they meant I was smart with a good vocabulary, but apparently I’m just thick.
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So a koala bear walks into a brothel.

He picks out the best looking girl, and heads upstairs with her. While up there, he eats her out like a madman, doing things she's never even heard of. After about an hour he gets up heads out the door.

The girl stops him and demands payment.

The koala doesn't understand. She has him l...

My favourite word in the dictionary is “toned”

Great definition
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After a long day’s work, I came home and saw my kid ripping off the front and back pages of my dictionary.

Things just went from Bad to Worse.
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Have you ever looked up the word “whistle” in the dictionary?

I found it a bit under whelming.
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A Koala is sitting in a bar...

A Koala is sitting in a bar enjoying his drink when a beautiful woman approaches him. She starts flirting and they chat for a few minutes before the woman looks at the Koala and says

"hey, you wanna get outta here?"

"Sure!" the Koala replied as he jumped off the stool and took her ha...

What do you call a dictionary on drugs?

High definition
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A panda walks into a bar and orders a sandwich

After he finishes eating, he pulls out a gun and shoots it in the air. The bartender is surprised and asks the panda why he did that. The panda pulls out a dictionary and points to the entry on "panda", which reads: "Panda: a large black and white bear-like mammal native to China. Eats shoots an...

Covid has me really bored at home so I read the entire dictionary and actually found a word spelled wrong.

Wrong.
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I was really angry at my friend Mark for stealing my dictionary.

I told him, "Mark, my words!"
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A girl just finished telling her problem to a dictionary, thesaurus and an atlas...

The dictionary replied, "I know what you mean"

The thesaurus said, "I feel the same way"

And the atlas said, "I can see where you're coming from"
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Panda and a Prostitute

A panda spent the night in bed with a prostitute. The following morning as he is about ready to leave, the prostitute yells after him, "Hey, aren't you going to pay me?"

The panda appears confused, so she throws a dictionary at him and tells him to look up 'prostitute.'

The definition ...

I once choked trying to eat a dictionary. So then my friend helped me spit it out...

He took the words right out of my mouth.
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Webster's dictionary recently changed the spelling of Aquarius to "Ahquarius."

This is the donning of the "h" of Ahquarius.
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A soldier who has recently been promoted to corporal is taken to a bar by his sergeant.

The sergeant orders ten shots of tequila. The corporal is about to order the same, when the sergeant says, "Are you sure about that?"

"Of course I'm sure!" replies the corporal. "I am no longer a private. I am a corporal now!" So the sergeant lets him order ten shots of tequila.

Afterw...

I just want to thank the guy who lent me his dictionary to look for the meaning of the word plethora...

It means a lot
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Words in a dictionary were having a fight

'Honest' says, "My H is silent". 'Tsunami' says, "My T is silent". 'Island' says, "My S is silent".
'Queue' says, "Hold my beer stupids".
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No English dictionary has been able to explain the difference between the two words COMPLETE and FINISHED.

Some people say there’s no difference but there is.


When you marry the right woman, you are COMPLETE!


When you marry the wrong woman, you are FINISHED!


And if you marry a wife like mine who likes shopping, you are COMPLETELY FINISHED!
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Kind of lame jokes I make up for myself after reading the dictionary.

Someone asked was I being sesquipedalianist just to make a joke on reddit! Which I repudiate!
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Every dictionary has at least one mistake

It’s in the “m” section, after mist.
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I got a tattoo of a dictionary on my bisep...

I wanted to add definition to my arm
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Why do they evacuate women and children first?

You can't fix shit with all that screaming and crying.

(**Yes, you can evacuate people.** Check #2 here: http://www.dictionary.com/browse/evacuate)

I wrote a script about the dictionary for my local theatre

It's a play on words.
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If I ripped out the first 100 pages of my dictionary, will I then be able to look up well, but and actually?

Well yes, but, actually no
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The acronym "NSFW" has just been removed from the dictionary

Like who the fuck can go to work?

My friend: the newest edition of the Anger Management Dictionary still doesnt have the word "patience!"

Me: Just wait.
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Now that there is a musical about Alexander Hamilton, I'm going to make a Musical about the founding of the Webster's English Dictionary

It's going to be a play on words
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Pages have been ripped out of the dictionary at the public library

Authorities are at a loss for words
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Do you know what they call someone who molests children using an online dictionary?

A Wikipaedophile

I tried looking for some hurtful words in the dictionary.

I'm not reading it again until it apologizes.
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Someone gave me a Dictionary that only went up to "S"

I have no idea what this means
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My brother has been writing a stage drama about a dictionary and a thesaurus. I'm really looking forward to it.

I love a play on words.
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Dictionary namesake Noah Webster's funeral

Noah Webster was an important man in the field of lexicography. So when he died his wife, Miriam, decided to have a large funeral. Many people came out. Near the end, after the eulogy, Miriam asked if anyone else wanted to say something about her late husband. A man comes up to her and says, “I woul...
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My school did a performance last year called "The Dictionary"

Turns out it was just a play on words.
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This morning I ripped 'afresh' and 'anew' from my dictionary.



Tonight, I will kill again
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I opened the dictionary

To check the meaning of Practical joke. It said *see fooling*

I checked fooling and it said *see Practical joke*.
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Trump was told that the word 'gullible' had been removed from the dictionary.

"Don't be ridiculous," he replied, "there's no such word as dictionary."
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A radio station was running a competition – words that weren’t in the dictionary yet could still be used in a sentence that would make logical sense. The prize was a trip to Bali...

DJ: “96 FM here, what’s your name?”

Caller: “Hi, my name’s Dave.”

DJ: “Dave, what’s your word?”

Caller: “Goan... spelt G-O-A-N.”

DJ: “You are correct, Dave, ‘goan’ is not in the dictionary. Now, for a trip to Bali: What sentence can you use that word in that would make se...

Go look in the dictionary and see what gonorrhoea means

Two boys from the mountains, Leroy and Jasper have been promoted from privates to sergeants.

Not long after, they're out for a walk and Leroys says, "Hey, Jasper, there's the NCO Club. Let's you and me stop in."

"But we's privates," protests Jasper. "We's sergeants now," says Leroy, ...
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I'm like a human dictionary.

Because of all this definition (while flexing arm that has never been worked out)
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What do they say about a rapper who stole a dictionary?

He got a way with words.
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My English teacher once said "You know you've got a good dictionary if it has the definition for fuck".

I told him, "I can do ya better, my dad's got 40 magazines that define and show examples of it!"

I downloaded a swearing dictionary from the Pirate Bay and

Received a torrent of abuse.
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Why did the dictionary have an existential breakdown?

He couldn’t find the meaning of life.
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My dad ought to buy a dictionary.

He just said, "I need words with U."
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I went to see "The Dictionary: A Musical" last night but left disappointed...

The whole thing was just a big play on words.
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There is no word like IMPOSSIBLE in my dictionary

Should have checked before I bought it.
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Why did the bodybuilder borrow a dictionary?

Because he wanted to know how to define muscle.
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You know why the Bible is better than the dictionary?

The dictionary has verbs, but the Bible has PROverbs!
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If there is an Urban Dictionary...

...Shouldn't there be a Rural Dictionary

Credits to my friend Portia.
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I have an odd friend who gets off to the dictionary.

It's weird but he's come to terms with it.
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I gave my 4 month old son a dictionary.

He doesn’t walk so I thought it would get him from A to B quickly.
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[NSFW] Urban Dictionary word example

Tony: "Bro, I rage fucked Taylor last night!"

Frankie: "What!? She ha......"

Tony: "Hell ya! It was awesome. I took all my anger out on her! Felt so good!"

Frankie: "But she ha......"

Tony: "Best day of my life! Wait sorry I interrupted you again. What were you going ...

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