Have you heard the joke about the dictionary stage show?

It's a play on words.

Why is a dictionary dangerous?

Because it has dynamite in it.

Webster's dictionary recently changed the spelling of Aquarius to "Ahquarius."

This is the donning of the "h" of Ahquarius.

What do you call a dictionary on drugs?

High definition

I once swallowed a whole dictionary.

It gave me thesaurus throat I've ever had.

I'll never use that dictionary again...

The definition it gave for "obfuscate" was confusing and misleading.

I’m tearing out pages of the dictionary.

I’m up to Mischief.

No English dictionary has been able to explain the difference between the two words COMPLETE and FINISHED.

Some people say there’s no difference but there is.

When you marry the right woman, you are COMPLETE!

When you marry the wrong woman, you are FINISHED!

And if you marry a wife who likes shopping you are COMPLETELY FINISHED!

What word is spelled wrong in every dictionary?

Wrong.

I was so bored that I memorized six pages of a dictionary.

I learned next to nothing.

I just want to thank the guy who lent me his dictionary to look for the meaning of the word plethora...

It means a lot

I'm like a human dictionary.

Because of all this definition (while flexing arm that has never been worked out)

I couldn't afford a nice television, so I just smoked a ton of weed and read the dictionary.

High definition.

To the idiot who stole my dictionary

I really have no words for you

After a long day’s work, I came home and saw my kid ripping off the front and back pages of my dictionary.

Things just went from Bad to Worse.

My dad told me this one today. What’s the longest word in the dictionary?

Smiles. Because there’s a mile between the two S’s.

Me: I've lost the dictionary

Her: Can you look upstairs?

Me: I can't look up anything

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A radio station in Ireland is taking calls to find a word that is commonly used but isn't in the dictionary yet...

The first caller get's through,

"Hello! What word do you think should be in the dictionary?"

"Goan!"

"Goan? Can you use it in a sentence?"

"Yeah, go'an fuck yerself!" The caller then begins laughing until the station can cut off his call.

After several more calls t...

If I ripped out the first 100 pages of my dictionary, will I then be able to look up well, but and actually?

Well yes, but, actually no

Did you hear that they're making a Broadway production based off the dictionary?

It's a play on words.

When I go from dictionary to urban dictionary.

*Discussion about Discord server raids...*

Friend: define raid

Me: hundreds of bot accounts spamming the server.

Friend: define area 51 raid

Me: millions of incels running out of breathe to their death.

A panda bear walks into a bar...

A panda bear walks into a bar and orders a sandwich. The panda eats the sandwich, whips out a pistol, and shoots the waiter dead. As he is walking towards the exit, the bartender yells “HEY WHERE ARE YOU GOING? YOU DIDNT PAY FOR THAT SANDWICH AND YOU JUST SHOT MY WAITER!”

The panda bear just...

I opened the dictionary

To check the meaning of Practical joke. It said *see fooling*

I checked fooling and it said *see Practical joke*.

I bought a dictionary but the pages are all blank...

I have no words to describe how angry I am.

Pages have been ripped out of the dictionary at the public library

Authorities are at a loss for words

This morning I ripped 'afresh' and 'anew' from my dictionary.



Tonight, I will kill again

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A panda walks into a bar...

He asks the bartender how he can get a little action for the night. The bartender motions to a young woman. She talks to the panda, and they go back to her place. After having sex, the panda abruptly leaves.

The next night, the woman goes to the panda's house.

"You owe me money," she ...

I gave my 4 month old son a dictionary.

He doesn’t walk so I thought it would get him from A to B quickly.

My favourite word in the dictionary is “toned”

Great definition

Words in a dictionary were having a fight

'Honest' says, "My H is silent". 'Tsunami' says, "My T is silent". 'Island' says, "My S is silent".
'Queue' says, "Hold my beer stupids".

A panda walks into a bar, orders a meal and quietly eats it.

When the bartender comes with the check, the panda pulls out a shotgun, shoots the bartender, and prepares to leave the bar.

The bartender, on his last breath, screams “Why?!”

The panda pulls out a dictionary, points to the entry on pandas, which reads: Panda (n.) – Eats shoots and l...

Someone gave me a Dictionary that only went up to "S"

I have no idea what this means

All the people who say that 'success' comes before 'work' in a dictionary,

I guess that they've never heard of the recent youngest self-made billionaire.

Some travelers where going down a path when they stopped to ask for directions to a native...

He said," I would go that way to the forest. But, don't go this way." He said pointing to a path behind him. "There's a bacon tree." The travelers where very hungry and thought a bacon tree sounded pretty good to them. So, they ignored the native's warnings and went to the path behind him. But, all ...

Just found the absolute worst page in the dictionary

What I saw was disgraceful, disgusting, dishonest and disingenuous.

I just finished up reading the dictionary.

It turns out that the Zebra did it.

I got a tattoo of a dictionary on my bisep...

I wanted to add definition to my arm

Trump was told that the word 'gullible' had been removed from the dictionary.

"Don't be ridiculous," he replied, "there's no such word as dictionary."

How is a thrown dictionary similar to birds flying south for winter?

They’re both flying information.

Dad: ”I need a lend of your dictionary”.

Son: “Yeah you can have it”.

Dad: “That’s great son but I was hoping for the whole book”.

I downloaded a swearing dictionary from the Pirate Bay and

Received a torrent of abuse.

I went to see "The Dictionary: A Musical" last night but left disappointed...

The whole thing was just a big play on words.

My ex-girlfriend used to complain how I always came before her.

I wonder what dictionary she was using.

Santa saw your Facebook posts this year.

He’s gonna give you a dictionary.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A radio station was running a competition – words that weren’t in the dictionary yet could still be used in a sentence that would make logical sense. The prize was a trip to Bali...

DJ: “96 FM here, what’s your name?”

Caller: “Hi, my name’s Dave.”

DJ: “Dave, what’s your word?”

Caller: “Goan... spelt G-O-A-N.”

DJ: “You are correct, Dave, ‘goan’ is not in the dictionary. Now, for a trip to Bali: What sentence can you use that word in that would make se...

Two army boys, Leroy & Jasper....

Two Army boys, Leroy & Jasper, from the hills of Kentucky were promoted right from privates to Sergeants because of their great marksmanship with rifles.

Not long after, they're out for a walk and Leroy says, "Hey, Jasper, There's the NCO Club. Let's you and Me stop in." "But we's privat...

If I hit you with a dictionary...

...is it physical or verbal abuse?

I got thousands of letters delivered to my house today

That's the last time I order a dictionary from Ikea

Him: Dude, what gift should i give to a girl that has a meaning?

Me: A dictionary.

Now that there is a musical about Alexander Hamilton, I'm going to make a Musical about the founding of the Webster's English Dictionary

It's going to be a play on words

My dad ought to buy a dictionary.

He just said, "I need words with U."

A friend gave me a really cheap dictionary for my birthday..

I couldn't find words to thank him.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Understanding BF

My girlfriend always complaints that she hates have meaningless sex.

So now when I hump her I read out all the synonyms of love making from Oxford dictionary.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Panda and the Prostitute

A panda spent the night in bed with a prostitute. The following morning as he is about ready to leave, the prostitute yells after him, "Hey, aren't you going to pay me?"

The panda appears confused, so she throws a dictionary at him and tells him to look up 'prostitute.'

The definition ...

A Dictionary and a Thesaurus are in a library...

A Dictionary and a Thesaurus are in a library. The librarian who has taken good care of them for years and years is retiring. Understandably, the Dictionary and Thesaurus are both sad.

The Thesaurus says to the Dictionary "I can see how distraught you are."

The Dictionary responds "Yo...

My school did a performance last year called "The Dictionary"

Turns out it was just a play on words.

There is no word like IMPOSSIBLE in my dictionary

Should have checked before I bought it.

Why did the bodybuilder borrow a dictionary?

Because he wanted to know how to define muscle.

Bad Dad Panda Joke

A panda walks into a restaurant, sits down and orders a sandwich. After he finishes eating the sandwich, the panda pulls out a gun and shoots the waiter, and then stands up to go. "Hey!" shouts the manager. "Where are you going? You just shot my waiter and you didn't pay for your sandwich!"
...

You know why the Bible is better than the dictionary?

The dictionary has verbs, but the Bible has PROverbs!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The rare talking koala bear was lost in transit..

From Austrailia to the New York zoo. He wandered down a back alley and saw a sexy lady in heels and a short skirt smoking a cigarette.

She was shocked when he asked her for one of her cigarettes. "Omg you can talk?"

After talking she invited him inside and before she knew it he was u...

Someone at school just stole my dictionary

They got a-way with words

If there is an Urban Dictionary...

...Shouldn't there be a Rural Dictionary

Credits to my friend Portia.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My English teacher once said "You know you've got a good dictionary if it has the definition for fuck".

I told him, "I can do ya better, my dad's got 40 magazines that define and show examples of it!"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An irish radio station holds a contest to find words that are common but not in the dictionary

the first caller calls in and says "go'an"
"can you use it in a sentence?" replies the radio host
"yeah go'an fuck yer self" and the host cuts him off the 14 caller calls in "smee"
"use it in a sentence" the host replies
"its smee go'an fuck yer self" the host cuts him off the last call...

I was in the middle of a heated conversation when I said "Mark my words!!"

It's nice to have a guy called Mark bringing my dictionary to me whenever I need it.

What do you call a dictionary on drugs?

High definition

A panda walks into a Chinese’s shop

The panda sits down and ask the waiter what’s the special

The waiter says “Wong tong soup”

The panda says “I’ll have 2”

The panda eats his meal and pulls out a shotgun and shoots a hole in the wall and starts to walk out

The waiter comes running up and says “you can do ...

I'm a really slow reader. Today, I only got through six pages of my dictionary.

From dawn to dusk.

There's a place where January comes after February and December comes before September

It's the dictionary

Red Neck Computer Dictionary

* LOG ON: Makin’ a woodstove hot.
* LOG OFF: Don’t add no more wood.
* MONITOR: Keepin’ an eye on the wood stove.
* DOWNLOAD: Gittin’ the farwood off the truck.
* MEGA HERTZ: When you’re not keerfull gittin’ the farwood.
* FLOPPY DISC: Whutcha git from trying to tote too much far...

If my theater troupe and I perform on stage and use the dictionary as our script...

...is it a play on words?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My brother bought me a dictionary for my birthday.

"Why did you get me this?" I asked.

He said, "Because you are stupid."

I bought him a dildo for his birthday.

"Why did you get me this?" he asked.

I said, "Because you are a cunt."

When Dr. Samuel Johnson had finished his first English dictionary, he was visited by a delegation of "London's Respectable Womanhood" who came to his parlor at Fleet St. and said, "Doctor, we congratulate you on your decision to exclude all indecent words from your dictionary." And he said...

"Ladies, I congratulate you on your persistence in looking them up."

How did Kim Jong Un learn every word in the English dictionary in one day?

He's the Supreme reader.

Where does the dictionary keep grownup words?

Under ground.

Why should you never get into an argument with a dictionary?

Because they'll always have the last word.

Did you know that the word "gullible" cannot even be found in the dictionary?

The truth hurts doesn't it?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

[NSFW] Urban Dictionary word example

Tony: "Bro, I rage fucked Taylor last night!"

Frankie: "What!? She ha......"

Tony: "Hell ya! It was awesome. I took all my anger out on her! Felt so good!"

Frankie: "But she ha......"

Tony: "Best day of my life! Wait sorry I interrupted you again. What were you going ...

What is the only word in an English dictionary spelled incorrectly?

Incorrectly is the only word spelled

I n c o r r e c t l y

I have an odd friend who gets off to the dictionary.

It's weird but he's come to terms with it.

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