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Dictionary Jokes

A man asked his friend," what do you call a dictionary on drugs? "

His friend replied," If it is addictionary I swear to God I am going to kill you."

The man replied," I was going to say ' high definition ' but yours is better.

Dictionary definition; 'lackadaisical'

*noun* 'A bicycle built for one'.

My son is rehearsing for a part as a dictionary

It’s going to be a play on words

What do you call a dictionary thief?

I don’t know :(

What word is spelled wrong on every dictionary.

Wrong

I read the dictionary the other day

At the start you think it’s the aardvark, but by the end it turns out the zebra did it.

I bought a dictionary and when I got home I realized all the pages were blank...

I have no words for how angry I am.

What’s the longest word in the dictionary?

Smiles. Because there’s a mile between the two S’s

Last night I tried to read the dictionary in bed but didn't finish it.

I got up to p

Me and my GF had a fight about the dictionary

And you know one word led to another

I was so bored that I memorized 6 pages of the dictionary...

I learned next to nothing.

I once abused someone with a dictionary...

The judge didn't know whether to charge me with verbal or physical assault

All these jokes about Hamlet on top of a dictionary are getting tiresome

When it's just a play on words.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A panda walks into a bar and orders a sandwich

After he finishes eating, he pulls out a gun and shoots it in the air. The bartender is surprised and asks the panda why he did that. The panda pulls out a dictionary and points to the entry on "panda", which reads: "Panda: a large black and white bear-like mammal native to China. Eats shoots an...

I once swallowed a dictionary

I had thesaurus throat imaginable.

People always call me a walking dictionary

I thought they meant I was smart with a good vocabulary, but apparently I’m just thick.

What do you call a dictionary on drugs?

High definition.

I keep telling people gullible isn't in the dictionary

Don't believe me look it up

After a long day, I come home to see that someone tore the front and back pages of my dictionary.

It just went from bad to worse.

I’m tearing out pages of the dictionary.

I’m up to Mischief.

When you have finished reading the dictionary

Every other book is just a remix.

My wife bought me a camouflage cover for my dictionary and it's just what I always wanted

I'd like to thank her, but I can't find the words

I am so bored I started reading the dictionary from start to finish.

I am past caring.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I don't understand how so many people struggle to find basic words in the dictionary.

I had no less than 5 people tell me that "gullible" is not in the dictionary. The smug assholes just laughed when I proved their dumb asses wrong.

Have you heard about the new Broadway act based on the dictionary?

It's a play on words.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A radio station in Ireland is taking calls to find a word that is commonly used but isn't in the dictionary yet...

The first caller get's through,

"Hello! What word do you think should be in the dictionary?"

"Goan!"

"Goan? Can you use it in a sentence?"

"Yeah, go'an fuck yerself!" The caller then begins laughing until the station can cut off his call.

After several more calls t...

All I asked for this Christmas was a dictionary and I didn't get one

I'm at a loss for words.

My son chewed and swallowed a dictionary.

We gave him Epsom salts - but we can't get a word out of him.

Have you ever looked up the word “whistle” in the dictionary?

I found it a bit under whelming.

Me: I've lost the dictionary

Her: Can you look upstairs?

Me: I can't look up anything

I just found the worst page in the entire dictionary.

What I saw was disgraceful, disgusting, dishonest and disingenuous.

A girl just finished telling her problem to a dictionary, thesaurus and an atlas...

The dictionary replied, "I know what you mean"

The thesaurus said, "I feel the same way"

And the atlas said, "I can see where you're coming from"

I'll never use that dictionary again...

The definition it gave for "obfuscate" was confusing and misleading.

I couldn't afford a nice television, so I just smoked a ton of weed and read the dictionary.

High definition.

No English dictionary has been able to explain the difference between the two words COMPLETE and FINISHED.

Some people say there’s no difference but there is.


When you marry the right woman, you are COMPLETE!


When you marry the wrong woman, you are FINISHED!


And if you marry a wife like mine who likes shopping, you are COMPLETELY FINISHED!

Covid has me really bored at home so I read the entire dictionary and actually found a word spelled wrong.

Wrong.

Kind of lame jokes I make up for myself after reading the dictionary.

Someone asked was I being sesquipedalianist just to make a joke on reddit! Which I repudiate!

I was really angry at my friend Mark for stealing my dictionary.

I told him, "Mark, my words!"

How is a thrown dictionary similar to birds flying south for winter?

They’re both flying information.

Webster's dictionary recently changed the spelling of Aquarius to "Ahquarius."

This is the donning of the "h" of Ahquarius.

What did the dictionary say when it got a cold?

I had thesaurus throat ever.....




I'll see myself out

My favourite word in the dictionary is “toned”

Great definition

A Dictionary and a Thesaurus are in a library...

A Dictionary and a Thesaurus are in a library. The librarian who has taken good care of them for years and years is retiring. Understandably, the Dictionary and Thesaurus are both sad.

The Thesaurus says to the Dictionary "I can see how distraught you are."

The Dictionary responds "Yo...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The acronym "NSFW" has just been removed from the dictionary

Like who the fuck can go to work?

I got a tattoo of a dictionary on my bisep...

I wanted to add definition to my arm

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A panda walks into a restaurant and orders a plate of bamboo

When he’s finished with his meal, he hops up onto the table, pulls out two Glock 45s and unloads both magazines, blasting everything in sight.

When the guns are empty, he throws them down and starts walking towards the door. The bartender looks up from behind the bar and yells, “Hey! What th...

I just want to thank the guy who lent me his dictionary to look for the meaning of the word plethora...

It means a lot

Every dictionary has at least one mistake

It’s in the “m” section, after mist.

Words in a dictionary were having a fight

'Honest' says, "My H is silent". 'Tsunami' says, "My T is silent". 'Island' says, "My S is silent".
'Queue' says, "Hold my beer stupids".

I wrote a script about the dictionary for my local theatre

It's a play on words.

My brother has been writing a stage drama about a dictionary and a thesaurus. I'm really looking forward to it.

I love a play on words.

Now that there is a musical about Alexander Hamilton, I'm going to make a Musical about the founding of the Webster's English Dictionary

It's going to be a play on words

Pages have been ripped out of the dictionary at the public library

Authorities are at a loss for words

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Do you know what they call someone who molests children using an online dictionary?

A Wikipaedophile

Dictionary namesake Noah Webster's funeral

Noah Webster was an important man in the field of lexicography. So when he died his wife, Miriam, decided to have a large funeral. Many people came out. Near the end, after the eulogy, Miriam asked if anyone else wanted to say something about her late husband. A man comes up to her and says, “I woul...

If I ripped out the first 100 pages of my dictionary, will I then be able to look up well, but and actually?

Well yes, but, actually no

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A radio station was running a competition – words that weren’t in the dictionary yet could still be used in a sentence that would make logical sense. The prize was a trip to Bali...

DJ: “96 FM here, what’s your name?”

Caller: “Hi, my name’s Dave.”

DJ: “Dave, what’s your word?”

Caller: “Goan... spelt G-O-A-N.”

DJ: “You are correct, Dave, ‘goan’ is not in the dictionary. Now, for a trip to Bali: What sentence can you use that word in that would make se...

What do you call a dictionary on drugs?

High definition

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

So a koala bear walks into a brothel.

He picks out the best looking girl, and heads upstairs with her. While up there, he eats her out like a madman, doing things she's never even heard of. After about an hour he gets up heads out the door.

The girl stops him and demands payment.

The koala doesn't understand. She has him l...

Go look in the dictionary and see what gonorrhoea means

Two boys from the mountains, Leroy and Jasper have been promoted from privates to sergeants.

Not long after, they're out for a walk and Leroys says, "Hey, Jasper, there's the NCO Club. Let's you and me stop in."

"But we's privates," protests Jasper. "We's sergeants now," says Leroy, ...

This morning I ripped 'afresh' and 'anew' from my dictionary.



Tonight, I will kill again

I heard about the guy who had thesaurus throat he'd ever had after swallowing a dictionary...

So I suggested he try soothing it with a synonym latte.

Someone gave me a Dictionary that only went up to "S"

I have no idea what this means

My school did a performance last year called "The Dictionary"

Turns out it was just a play on words.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

As the only married guy among my friends, a lot of them ask me is there sex after marriage?

Only in the dictionary, pal.

My dad ought to buy a dictionary.

He just said, "I need words with U."

What do they say about a rapper who stole a dictionary?

He got a way with words.

I opened the dictionary

To check the meaning of Practical joke. It said *see fooling*

I checked fooling and it said *see Practical joke*.

Trump was told that the word 'gullible' had been removed from the dictionary.

"Don't be ridiculous," he replied, "there's no such word as dictionary."

Why did the dictionary have an existential breakdown?

He couldn’t find the meaning of life.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My English teacher once said "You know you've got a good dictionary if it has the definition for fuck".

I told him, "I can do ya better, my dad's got 40 magazines that define and show examples of it!"

I'm like a human dictionary.

Because of all this definition (while flexing arm that has never been worked out)

I have an odd friend who gets off to the dictionary.

It's weird but he's come to terms with it.

There is no word like IMPOSSIBLE in my dictionary

Should have checked before I bought it.

I finally got around to reading the dictionary...

turns out the zebra did it


- Steven Wright

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

[NSFW] Urban Dictionary word example

Tony: "Bro, I rage fucked Taylor last night!"

Frankie: "What!? She ha......"

Tony: "Hell ya! It was awesome. I took all my anger out on her! Felt so good!"

Frankie: "But she ha......"

Tony: "Best day of my life! Wait sorry I interrupted you again. What were you going ...

Why did the bodybuilder borrow a dictionary?

Because he wanted to know how to define muscle.

I gave my 4 month old son a dictionary.

He doesn’t walk so I thought it would get him from A to B quickly.

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