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A man asked his friend," what do you call a dictionary on drugs? "

His friend replied," If it is addictionary I swear to God I am going to kill you."

The man replied," I was going to say ' high definition ' but yours is better.

My buddy Mark stole my dictionary once

As he was running away I yelled “Mark my words!”

What’s the only word that’s spelled incorrectly in the dictionary

Incorrectly

People always call me a walking dictionary

I thought they meant I was smart with a good vocabulary, but apparently I’m just thick.

I swallowed a dictionary

I have Thesaurus throat i've ever had!

I am so bored I started reading the dictionary from start to finish.

I am past caring.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I don't understand how so many people struggle to find basic words in the dictionary.

I had no less than 5 people tell me that "gullible" is not in the dictionary. The smug assholes just laughed when I proved their dumb asses wrong.

Have you heard about the new Broadway act based on the dictionary?

It's a play on words.

All I asked for this Christmas was a dictionary and I didn't get one

I'm at a loss for words.

I just found the worst page in the entire dictionary.

What I saw was disgraceful, disgusting, dishonest and disingenuous.

I just memorized six pages of the dictionary...

I learned next to nothing.

I'll never use that dictionary again...

The definition it gave for "obfuscate" was confusing and misleading.

My son chewed and swallowed a dictionary.

We gave him Epsom salts - but we can't get a word out of him.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A panda walks into a restaurant and orders a plate of bamboo

When he’s finished with his meal, he hops up onto the table, pulls out two Glock 45s and unloads both magazines, blasting everything in sight.

When the guns are empty, he throws them down and starts walking towards the door. The bartender looks up from behind the bar and yells, “Hey! What th...

What do you call a dictionary on drugs?

High definition.

I keep telling people gullible isn't in the dictionary

Don't believe me look it up

Have you ever looked up the word “whistle” in the dictionary?

I found it a bit under whelming.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A radio station in Ireland is taking calls to find a word that is commonly used but isn't in the dictionary yet...

The first caller get's through,

"Hello! What word do you think should be in the dictionary?"

"Goan!"

"Goan? Can you use it in a sentence?"

"Yeah, go'an fuck yerself!" The caller then begins laughing until the station can cut off his call.

After several more calls t...

I bought a dictionary and when I got home I realized all the pages were blank...

I have no words for how angry I am.

When you have finished reading the dictionary

Every other book is just a remix.

I’m tearing out pages of the dictionary.

I’m up to Mischief.

What’s the longest word in the dictionary?

Smiles. Because there’s a mile between the two S’s

I'm performing in a theatrical production of the dictionary this weekend

Its a play on words..

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An Irish radio station was running a competition

Words that weren’t in the dictionary yet could still be used in a sentence that would make logical sense. The prize was a trip to Bali.

DJ: “96 FM here, what’s your name?”

Caller: “Hi, my name’s Dave.”

DJ: “Dave, what’s your word?”

Caller: “Goan... spelt G-O-A-N p...

A blonde walks into a library and says to the librarian, "The book I borrowed last week was just awful. It had absolutely no plot, and the vocabulary was too complex!"

The librarian calls into the back room, "Hey, we found the lady who took our dictionary!"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

So a koala bear walks into a brothel.

He picks out the best looking girl, and heads upstairs with her. While up there, he eats her out like a madman, doing things she's never even heard of. After about an hour he gets up heads out the door.

The girl stops him and demands payment.

The koala doesn't understand. She has him l...

After a long day, I come home to see that someone tore the front and back pages of my dictionary.

It just went from bad to worse.

A girl just finished telling her problem to a dictionary, thesaurus and an atlas...

The dictionary replied, "I know what you mean"

The thesaurus said, "I feel the same way"

And the atlas said, "I can see where you're coming from"

No English dictionary has been able to explain the difference between the two words COMPLETE and FINISHED.

Some people say there’s no difference but there is.


When you marry the right woman, you are COMPLETE!


When you marry the wrong woman, you are FINISHED!


And if you marry a wife like mine who likes shopping, you are COMPLETELY FINISHED!

Covid has me really bored at home so I read the entire dictionary and actually found a word spelled wrong.

Wrong.

Kind of lame jokes I make up for myself after reading the dictionary.

Someone asked was I being sesquipedalianist just to make a joke on reddit! Which I repudiate!

I was really angry at my friend Mark for stealing my dictionary.

I told him, "Mark, my words!"

Webster's dictionary recently changed the spelling of Aquarius to "Ahquarius."

This is the donning of the "h" of Ahquarius.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Do you know what they call someone who molests children using an online dictionary?

A Wikipaedophile

Every dictionary has at least one mistake

It’s in the “m” section, after mist.

I couldn't afford a nice television, so I just smoked a ton of weed and read the dictionary.

High definition.

A koala bear breaks free from the Central Park Zoo…

He’s walking down the street when he encounters a hooker. The hooker asks, “Hey, looking for a good time?”. The koala nods in agreement and off they go to a hotel.

The two have an intimate time, and when the koala bear is done he starts to head to the door. As he reaches for the door handle...

Me: I've lost the dictionary

Her: Can you look upstairs?

Me: I can't look up anything

My friend: the newest edition of the Anger Management Dictionary still doesnt have the word "patience!"

Me: Just wait.

I just want to thank the guy who lent me his dictionary to look for the meaning of the word plethora...

It means a lot

What did the dictionary say when it got a cold?

I had thesaurus throat ever.....




I'll see myself out

I wrote a script about the dictionary for my local theatre

It's a play on words.

My brother has been writing a stage drama about a dictionary and a thesaurus. I'm really looking forward to it.

I love a play on words.

I found the meaning of life.

It’s on page 937 in the dictionary between the words lie and lifeboat.

I got a tattoo of a dictionary on my bisep...

I wanted to add definition to my arm

How is a thrown dictionary similar to birds flying south for winter?

They’re both flying information.

A Dictionary and a Thesaurus are in a library...

A Dictionary and a Thesaurus are in a library. The librarian who has taken good care of them for years and years is retiring. Understandably, the Dictionary and Thesaurus are both sad.

The Thesaurus says to the Dictionary "I can see how distraught you are."

The Dictionary responds "Yo...

If I hit you with a dictionary...

...is it physical or verbal abuse?

Pages have been ripped out of the dictionary at the public library

Authorities are at a loss for words

Dictionary namesake Noah Webster's funeral

Noah Webster was an important man in the field of lexicography. So when he died his wife, Miriam, decided to have a large funeral. Many people came out. Near the end, after the eulogy, Miriam asked if anyone else wanted to say something about her late husband. A man comes up to her and says, “I woul...

My favourite word in the dictionary is “toned”

Great definition

If I ripped out the first 100 pages of my dictionary, will I then be able to look up well, but and actually?

Well yes, but, actually no

A man said to a preacher, that it was an excellent sermon but it was not original.

The preacher was taken aback.

The man said he had a book at home, containing every word the preacher said.

The next day, the man brought the preacher a dictionary.

This morning I ripped 'afresh' and 'anew' from my dictionary.



Tonight, I will kill again

My school did a performance last year called "The Dictionary"

Turns out it was just a play on words.

Words in a dictionary were having a fight

'Honest' says, "My H is silent". 'Tsunami' says, "My T is silent". 'Island' says, "My S is silent".
'Queue' says, "Hold my beer stupids".

Someone gave me a Dictionary that only went up to "S"

I have no idea what this means

Why did the dictionary have an existential breakdown?

He couldn’t find the meaning of life.

How to come up with a dad joke - Beginner's Advice

1. Read a dictionary.
2. Find Rhymes.
3. Think about the rhyme.
4. Find more Words.
5. Toss the dictionary out of the window.
6. Apologise to the neighbor for hitting him with the dictionary.
7. Catch the dictionary the neighbor threw back.
8. In case you didn't catch it, fix br...

Now that there is a musical about Alexander Hamilton, I'm going to make a Musical about the founding of the Webster's English Dictionary

It's going to be a play on words

What do you call a dictionary on drugs?

High definition

In the past week, I went from agony to ecstasy.

At this rate, I’ll finish reading the dictionary by the end of the month.

I opened the dictionary

To check the meaning of Practical joke. It said *see fooling*

I checked fooling and it said *see Practical joke*.

Trump was told that the word 'gullible' had been removed from the dictionary.

"Don't be ridiculous," he replied, "there's no such word as dictionary."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A soldier who has recently been promoted to corporal is taken to a bar by his sergeant.

The sergeant orders ten shots of tequila. The corporal is about to order the same, when the sergeant says, "Are you sure about that?"

"Of course I'm sure!" replies the corporal. "I am no longer a private. I am a corporal now!" So the sergeant lets him order ten shots of tequila.

Afterw...

Go look in the dictionary and see what gonorrhoea means

Two boys from the mountains, Leroy and Jasper have been promoted from privates to sergeants.

Not long after, they're out for a walk and Leroys says, "Hey, Jasper, there's the NCO Club. Let's you and me stop in."

"But we's privates," protests Jasper. "We's sergeants now," says Leroy, ...

I'm like a human dictionary.

Because of all this definition (while flexing arm that has never been worked out)

My dad ought to buy a dictionary.

He just said, "I need words with U."

I bought my Dad a cheap dictionary for Christmas.

He couldn't find the right words to thank me.

Dad: ”I need a lend of your dictionary”.

Son: “Yeah you can have it”.

Dad: “That’s great son but I was hoping for the whole book”.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My English teacher once said "You know you've got a good dictionary if it has the definition for fuck".

I told him, "I can do ya better, my dad's got 40 magazines that define and show examples of it!"

What do they say about a rapper who stole a dictionary?

He got a way with words.

There is no word like IMPOSSIBLE in my dictionary

Should have checked before I bought it.

I went to see "The Dictionary: A Musical" last night but left disappointed...

The whole thing was just a big play on words.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My brother bought me a dictionary for my birthday.

"Why did you get me this?" I asked.

He said, "Because you are stupid."

I bought him a dildo for his birthday.

"Why did you get me this?" he asked.

I said, "Because you are a cunt."

I downloaded a swearing dictionary from the Pirate Bay and

Received a torrent of abuse.

When I go from dictionary to urban dictionary.

*Discussion about Discord server raids...*

Friend: define raid

Me: hundreds of bot accounts spamming the server.

Friend: define area 51 raid

Me: millions of incels running out of breathe to their death.

I gave my 4 month old son a dictionary.

He doesn’t walk so I thought it would get him from A to B quickly.

Why did the bodybuilder borrow a dictionary?

Because he wanted to know how to define muscle.

I have an odd friend who gets off to the dictionary.

It's weird but he's come to terms with it.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

[NSFW] Urban Dictionary word example

Tony: "Bro, I rage fucked Taylor last night!"

Frankie: "What!? She ha......"

Tony: "Hell ya! It was awesome. I took all my anger out on her! Felt so good!"

Frankie: "But she ha......"

Tony: "Best day of my life! Wait sorry I interrupted you again. What were you going ...

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