Why is a dictionary dangerous?

Because it has dynamite in it.

I was so bored that I memorized six pages of a dictionary.

I learned next to nothing.

I'll never use that dictionary again...

The definition it gave for "obfuscate" was confusing and misleading.

Have you heard the joke about the dictionary stage show?

It's a play on words.

I once swallowed a dictionary

It gave me thesaurus throat I ever had

If I ripped out the first 100 pages of my dictionary, will I then be able to look up well, but and actually?

Well yes, but, actually no

What do you call a dictionary on drugs?

High definition

I heard about the guy who had thesaurus throat he'd ever had after swallowing a dictionary...

So I suggested he try soothing it with a synonym latte.

I just want to thank the guy who lent me his dictionary to look for the meaning of the word plethora...

It means a lot

To the idiot who stole my dictionary

I really have no words for you

I couldn't afford a nice television, so I just smoked a ton of weed and read the dictionary.

High definition.

What word is spelled wrong in every dictionary?

Wrong.

I'm like a human dictionary.

Because of all this definition (while flexing arm that has never been worked out)

My dad told me this one today. What’s the longest word in the dictionary?

Smiles. Because there’s a mile between the two S’s.

After a long day’s work, I came home and saw my kid ripping off the front and back pages of my dictionary.

Things just went from Bad to Worse.

Me: I've lost the dictionary

Her: Can you look upstairs?

Me: I can't look up anything

I bought a dictionary but the pages are all blank...

I have no words to describe how angry I am.

I opened the dictionary

To check the meaning of Practical joke. It said *see fooling*

I checked fooling and it said *see Practical joke*.

Pages have been ripped out of the dictionary at the public library

Authorities are at a loss for words

This morning I ripped 'afresh' and 'anew' from my dictionary.



Tonight, I will kill again

When I go from dictionary to urban dictionary.

*Discussion about Discord server raids...*

Friend: define raid

Me: hundreds of bot accounts spamming the server.

Friend: define area 51 raid

Me: millions of incels running out of breathe to their death.

Did you hear that they're making a Broadway production based off the dictionary?

It's a play on words.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A radio station in Ireland is taking calls to find a word that is commonly used but isn't in the dictionary yet...

The first caller get's through,

"Hello! What word do you think should be in the dictionary?"

"Goan!"

"Goan? Can you use it in a sentence?"

"Yeah, go'an fuck yerself!" The caller then begins laughing until the station can cut off his call.

After several more calls t...

I gave my 4 month old son a dictionary.

He doesn’t walk so I thought it would get him from A to B quickly.

My favourite word in the dictionary is “toned”

Great definition

My ex-girlfriend used to complain how I always came before her.

I wonder what dictionary she was using.

Someone gave me a Dictionary that only went up to "S"

I have no idea what this means

I just finished up reading the dictionary.

It turns out that the Zebra did it.

I got a tattoo of a dictionary on my bisep...

I wanted to add definition to my arm

Just found the absolute worst page in the dictionary

What I saw was disgraceful, disgusting, dishonest and disingenuous.

All the people who say that 'success' comes before 'work' in a dictionary,

I guess that they've never heard of the recent youngest self-made billionaire.

Trump was told that the word 'gullible' had been removed from the dictionary.

"Don't be ridiculous," he replied, "there's no such word as dictionary."

Words in a dictionary were having a fight

'Honest' says, "My H is silent". 'Tsunami' says, "My T is silent". 'Island' says, "My S is silent".
'Queue' says, "Hold my beer stupids".

How is a thrown dictionary similar to birds flying south for winter?

They’re both flying information.

Two army boys, Leroy & Jasper....

Two Army boys, Leroy & Jasper, from the hills of Kentucky were promoted right from privates to Sergeants because of their great marksmanship with rifles.

Not long after, they're out for a walk and Leroy says, "Hey, Jasper, There's the NCO Club. Let's you and Me stop in." "But we's privat...

I downloaded a swearing dictionary from the Pirate Bay and

Received a torrent of abuse.

Santa saw your Facebook posts this year.

He’s gonna give you a dictionary.

My friend had the dictionary open to the "B" section for the whole afternoon.

I asked him why, but another friend came in, sighed, and said, "Some people just want to watch the word burn."

Him: Dude, what gift should i give to a girl that has a meaning?

Me: A dictionary.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Panda and the Prostitute

A panda spent the night in bed with a prostitute. The following morning as he is about ready to leave, the prostitute yells after him, "Hey, aren't you going to pay me?"

The panda appears confused, so she throws a dictionary at him and tells him to look up 'prostitute.'

The definition ...

I got thousands of letters delivered to my house today

That's the last time I order a dictionary from Ikea

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A radio station was running a competition – words that weren’t in the dictionary yet could still be used in a sentence that would make logical sense. The prize was a trip to Bali...

DJ: “96 FM here, what’s your name?”

Caller: “Hi, my name’s Dave.”

DJ: “Dave, what’s your word?”

Caller: “Goan... spelt G-O-A-N.”

DJ: “You are correct, Dave, ‘goan’ is not in the dictionary. Now, for a trip to Bali: What sentence can you use that word in that would make se...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Understanding BF

My girlfriend always complaints that she hates have meaningless sex.

So now when I hump her I read out all the synonyms of love making from Oxford dictionary.

My dad ought to buy a dictionary.

He just said, "I need words with U."

No dictionary has been able to adequately explain the difference between the words complete and finished. However......

"When you marry the right person, you are COMPLETE.

But, when you marry the wrong person, you are FINISHED.

And when the 'right one' catches you with the 'wrong one'

Well .... you are COMPLETELY FINISHED!"

If I hit you with a dictionary...

...is it physical or verbal abuse?

Now that there is a musical about Alexander Hamilton, I'm going to make a Musical about the founding of the Webster's English Dictionary

It's going to be a play on words

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A panda walks into a bar.

He asks the bartender how he can get a little action for the night. The bartender motions to a young woman. She talks to the panda, and they go back to her place. After having sex, the panda abruptly leaves.

The next night, the woman goes to the panda's house.

"You owe me money," she...

The magician's Publicity Stunt.

I asked a magician for an \[OC\] joke to post on reddit. (Yes, I asked a magician and not a comedian, I don't know many comedians personally, sorry.)

.

Instead, I got a long winded story of his most popular magic trick. He probably made it all up, but here it is.

.

It w...

The killer panda

A panda bear walks into a restaurant. He orders food, eats it, shoots the waiter, and begins to walk out. The bartender yells to him, "You can't do that!" The panda bear replies, "It's in the dictionary."

So they look up panda in the dictionary, and it says, "Panda: eats shoot and leaves."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A teacher once told me...

True story:

Remember that ‘Sticks and Stones will break my bones, but words will never hurt me’ bullshit??

Well, in Year 4, I heard my teacher say this to another classmate. I raised my hand and said ‘Miss, I don’t think that’s right.’

My teacher asked me why I thought so. So, I...

Payback

My teacher’s advice to me being bullied was, ‘Sticks and stone may break my bones but word will never hurt me.’

So I threw a dictionary at her.

A friend gave me a really cheap dictionary for my birthday..

I couldn't find words to thank him.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A radio station is having a contest

Any caller who can come up with a word the DJ can't find in the dictionary wins the prize. They have to spell it and use it in a sentence. After many calls and many failed attempts, someone finally has one. "Thanks for calling 105.3! What's your word caller?". "Goan, spelled G-O-A-N." After sco...

A panda walks into a bar

He orders a meal and quietly eats it. When the bartender comes with the check, the panda pulls out a shotgun, shoots the bartender, and prepares to leave the bar. The bartender, on his last breath, screams “Why?!” The panda pulls out a dictionary, points to the entry on pandas, which reads: Panda (n...

A panda walks into a restaurant,

sits down, and orders a sandwich. He eats the sandwich, pulls out a gun, and shoots the table.

As the panda stands up to leave, the manager shouts, "Hey! Where are you going? You just shot my table and you didn't pay for your sandwich!"

The panda yells back at the manager, "Hey, man, I...

Bamboo

A panda walks into a restaurant and orders a meal. After the meal the waiter comes to the table to give the panda the check. Without a word the panda draws a gun and shoots the waiter dead. He then gets up nonchalantly and heads for the door. Seeing what just transpired the manager confronts the pan...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The Radio Contest

A radio station is doing a contest, if a caller can name a word that isn’t in the dictionary and can use it in a sentence they will win tickets to a concert. People start calling in and naming words but either they’re in the dictionary or the DJs don’t agree with the usage.

Finally someone c...

I'm Full of Riddles.

Riddle A:
---
What is the longest word in the dictionary?

S**mile**s because there is a mile between the S's.

Riddle B:
---

What has hands but cannot clap?

A clock!

Riddle Cya L8ter:
---

How do you make the #1 disappear?

Add a **G** to it ...

You know why the Bible is better than the dictionary?

The dictionary has verbs, but the Bible has PROverbs!

What is the best way to hurt someone with words?

Hit him with a dictionary.

Someone at school just stole my dictionary

They got a-way with words

Why did the bodybuilder borrow a dictionary?

Because he wanted to know how to define muscle.

When is a door, not a door?

When it's [ajar](http://http://www.dictionary.com/browse/ajar).

If there is an Urban Dictionary...

...Shouldn't there be a Rural Dictionary

Credits to my friend Portia.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An irish radio station holds a contest to find words that are common but not in the dictionary

the first caller calls in and says "go'an"
"can you use it in a sentence?" replies the radio host
"yeah go'an fuck yer self" and the host cuts him off the 14 caller calls in "smee"
"use it in a sentence" the host replies
"its smee go'an fuck yer self" the host cuts him off the last call...

A panda walks into a steakhouse...

*A panda walks into a steakhouse.*

Panda: Can I get some bamboo?

Server: Sorry, we only have steak here.

Panda: I'll have some steak then.

*The panda eats the steak.*

Server: So how was the food?

Panda: It was one of the most delicious meals I've ever had!...

My wife hasn't been feeling very festive lately, but I've gotten her a present that will help her to discover the true meaning of Christmas...

A dictionary.

There is no word like IMPOSSIBLE in my dictionary

Should have checked before I bought it.

If my theater troupe and I perform on stage and use the dictionary as our script...

...is it a play on words?

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