I got thousands of letters delivered to my house today

That's the last time I order a dictionary from Ikea

Did you hear about the stage production called “Dictionary”?

It’s a play on words.

I once swallowed a dictionary

It gave me Thesaurest throat

I was so bored that I memorized six pages of a dictionary.

I learned next to nothing.

I bought a dictionary but the pages are all blank...

I have no words to describe how angry I am.

Pages have been ripped out of the dictionary at the public library

Authorities are at a loss for words

I ate a dictionary the other day....

ever since then I've had thesaurus throat

All the people who say that 'success' comes before 'work' in a dictionary,

I guess that they've never heard of the recent youngest self-made billionaire.

I couldn't afford a nice television, so I just smoked a ton of weed and read the dictionary.

High definition.

After a long day at work, I came home to see that someone has ripped the front and back pages of my dictionary.

It just went from bad to worse.

What word in the dictionary is always spelled incorrectly?

incorrectly

This morning I ripped 'afresh' and 'anew' from my dictionary.

​

Tonight, I will kill again

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Panda and a Prostitute

A panda spent the night in bed with a prostitute. The following morning as he is about ready to leave, the prostitute yells after him, "Hey, aren't you going to pay me?"

The panda appears confused, so she throws a dictionary at him and tells him to look up 'prostitute.'

The definiti...

Me: I've lost the dictionary

Her: Can you look upstairs?

Me: I can't look up anything

Words in a dictionary were having a fight

'Honest' says, "My H is silent". 'Tsunami' says, "My T is silent". 'Island' says, "My S is silent".
'Queue' says, "Hold my beer stupids".

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A radio station in Ireland is taking calls to find a word that is commonly used but isn't in the dictionary yet...

The first caller get's through,

"Hello! What word do you think should be in the dictionary?"

"Goan!"

"Goan? Can you use it in a sentence?"

"Yeah, go'an fuck yerself!" The caller then begins laughing until the station can cut off his call.

After several more calls t...

I just want to thank the guy who lent me his dictionary to look for the meaning of the word plethora...

It means a lot

Someone gave me a Dictionary that only went up to "S"

I have no idea what this means

I just finished up reading the dictionary.

It turns out that the Zebra did it.

My favourite word in the dictionary is “toned”

Great definition

I got a tattoo of a dictionary on my bisep...

I wanted to add definition to my arm

I went to see "The Dictionary: A Musical" last night but left disappointed...

The whole thing was just a big play on words.

Trump was told that the word 'gullible' had been removed from the dictionary.

"Don't be ridiculous," he replied, "there's no such word as dictionary."

I downloaded a swearing dictionary from the Pirate Bay and

Received a torrent of abuse.

How is a thrown dictionary similar to birds flying south for winter?

They’re both flying information.

A friend gave me a really cheap dictionary for my birthday..

I couldn't find words to thank him.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A radio station was running a competition – words that weren’t in the dictionary yet could still be used in a sentence that would make logical sense. The prize was a trip to Bali...

DJ: “96 FM here, what’s your name?”

Caller: “Hi, my name’s Dave.”

DJ: “Dave, what’s your word?”

Caller: “Goan... spelt G-O-A-N.”

DJ: “You are correct, Dave, ‘goan’ is not in the dictionary. Now, for a trip to Bali: What sentence can you use that word in that would make se...

What is the best way to hurt someone with words?

Hit him with a dictionary.

Just found the absolute worst page in the dictionary

What I saw was disgraceful, disgusting, dishonest and disingenuous.

No dictionary has been able to adequately explain the difference between the words complete and finished. However......

"When you marry the right person, you are COMPLETE.

But, when you marry the wrong person, you are FINISHED.

And when the 'right one' catches you with the 'wrong one'

Well .... you are COMPLETELY FINISHED!"

My dad ought to buy a dictionary.

He just said, "I need words with U."

Now that there is a musical about Alexander Hamilton, I'm going to make a Musical about the founding of the Webster's English Dictionary

It's going to be a play on words

If I hit you with a dictionary...

...is it physical or verbal abuse?

You know why the Bible is better than the dictionary?

The dictionary has verbs, but the Bible has PROverbs!

Why did the bodybuilder borrow a dictionary?

Because he wanted to know how to define muscle.

There is no word like IMPOSSIBLE in my dictionary

Should have checked before I bought it.

My school did a performance last year called "The Dictionary"

Turns out it was just a play on words.

A Dictionary and a Thesaurus are in a library...

A Dictionary and a Thesaurus are in a library. The librarian who has taken good care of them for years and years is retiring. Understandably, the Dictionary and Thesaurus are both sad.

The Thesaurus says to the Dictionary "I can see how distraught you are."

The Dictionary responds "Yo...

If there is an Urban Dictionary...

...Shouldn't there be a Rural Dictionary

Credits to my friend Portia.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

An irish radio station holds a contest to find words that are common but not in the dictionary

the first caller calls in and says "go'an"
"can you use it in a sentence?" replies the radio host
"yeah go'an fuck yer self" and the host cuts him off the 14 caller calls in "smee"
"use it in a sentence" the host replies
"its smee go'an fuck yer self" the host cuts him off the last call...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

So this panda is driving down a road,

And he sees a prostitute standing on the corner, he thinks ' cor im gonna have some of that' and he stops to pick her up. 'Fancy a good time hun?'
'well i would, but im a panda and i dont have a house'
'i know a place' so he lets her in and they drive off. They get back to hers and make their ...

Someone at school just stole my dictionary

They got a-way with words

What's the longest word in the dictionary?

Smiles, there's a mile between the two s

If my theater troupe and I perform on stage and use the dictionary as our script...

...is it a play on words?

I'm a really slow reader. Today, I only got through six pages of my dictionary.

From dawn to dusk.

A panda walks into a restaurant

A panda walks into a restaurant, sits down, and orders a sandwich. He eats the sandwich, pulls out a gun, and shoots the waiter dead. As the panda stands up to go, the manager shouts, "Hey! Where are you going? You just shot my waiter, and you didn't even pay for your sandwich!""Hey, man, I'm a PAND...

Red Neck Computer Dictionary

* LOG ON: Makin’ a woodstove hot.
* LOG OFF: Don’t add no more wood.
* MONITOR: Keepin’ an eye on the wood stove.
* DOWNLOAD: Gittin’ the farwood off the truck.
* MEGA HERTZ: When you’re not keerfull gittin’ the farwood.
* FLOPPY DISC: Whutcha git from trying to tote too much far...

Where does the dictionary keep grownup words?

Under ground.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

My English teacher once said "You know you've got a good dictionary if it has the definition for fuck".

I told him, "I can do ya better, my dad's got 40 magazines that define and show examples of it!"

Go look in the dictionary and see what gonorrhoea means

Two boys from the mountains, Leroy and Jasper have been promoted from privates to sergeants.

Not long after, they're out for a walk and Leroys says, "Hey, Jasper, there's the NCO Club. Let's you and me stop in."

"But we's privates," protests Jasper. "We's sergeants now," says Leroy, ...

How did Kim Jong Un learn every word in the English dictionary in one day?

He's the Supreme reader.

What do you call a dictionary on drugs?

High definition

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

My brother bought me a dictionary for my birthday.

"Why did you get me this?" I asked.

He said, "Because you are stupid."

I bought him a dildo for his birthday.

"Why did you get me this?" he asked.

I said, "Because you are a cunt."

Did you know that the word "gullible" cannot even be found in the dictionary?

The truth hurts doesn't it?

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Koala bear and a prostitute

A Koala bear decided to visit a prostitute.
They got a hotel room and got undressed.
The Koala bear went down on the prostitute for about 30 minutes and then got up and got up and headed towards the door.
The prostitute said, "Hey, what about my money!" The koala bear was confused and sai...

Why should you never get into an argument with a dictionary?

Because they'll always have the last word.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

[NSFW] Urban Dictionary word example

Tony: "Bro, I rage fucked Taylor last night!"

Frankie: "What!? She ha......"

Tony: "Hell ya! It was awesome. I took all my anger out on her! Felt so good!"

Frankie: "But she ha......"

Tony: "Best day of my life! Wait sorry I interrupted you again. What were you going ...

Bad Dad Panda Joke

A panda walks into a restaurant, sits down and orders a sandwich. After he finishes eating the sandwich, the panda pulls out a gun and shoots the waiter, and then stands up to go. "Hey!" shouts the manager. "Where are you going? You just shot my waiter and you didn't pay for your sandwich!"
...

One day, at Webster Dictionary's Word Assignment Briefing...

"Nichols," Mr. Lipney, lead word assigner, said, "I'm trusting you to define plethora for next year's edition."

"Thanks Mr. Lipney," Nichols responds, beaming. "It means a lot!"

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

[NSFW] The Unabashed Dictionary (Japanese Edition) defines cunnilingus as...

constructive cliticism.

What is the only word in an English dictionary spelled incorrectly?

Incorrectly is the only word spelled

I n c o r r e c t l y

I have an odd friend who gets off to the dictionary.

It's weird but he's come to terms with it.

I have just read an interesting dictionary.

It had literally no metaphors.





I'll ^show^myself^out...

I have good false memory

I can misspell every single word on the dictionary.

Edited: grammar