If Game of Thrones was written by M. Night Shyamalan, what would he have called the White Walkers?

Icy Dead People

history is written by the victors

i guess it’s a sort of russian dynasty

The caretaker of a generation ship was on his death bed

Many years before, Jacques had helped place all his friends and family into cryogenic sleep. He was a young man then and they all knew that he would likely be long dead by the time they reached their destination. They said their tearful goodbyes and drifted off to sleep.

In the years he spent...

Written above a urinal.

The jokes not here it's in your hand.

What is written on Steve Jobs tombstone?

iCame, iSaw, iConquered.

What was the title of the book written by the lobotomist?

Veggie tales

A bullet may have a name written on it

But a grenade simply says "to whom it may concern"

I should've known better than to sign a contract that was written on the side of a cereal box.

Turns out the thing was filled with loopholes

What do you call the feverish spread of strongly worded arguments against very lame and badly functioning replacement arms that tell the future while composing strictly written limericks while moving from place to place?

A parapatetic pathetic prophetic pedantic poetic paretic prosthetic polemic pandemic.

I have just written a book on how to fall down a staircase.

It's a step by step guide.

This joke is better performed than written but I think y'all will enjoy it

How do you play catch with a kid with no arms or legs?

[Grunt and pretend you're trying to heave something heavy]

Nobody has written a novel about writing a novel.

It's a novel, novel novel idea.

I have written a song about tortillas.

Actually, it's more like a rap.

Seen written on a stall in a men's bathroom:

"My wife follows me everywhere."
Written just below it:
"I do not"

Do you know why dark is written with "k" and not with "c"?

Because you can't see in the dark

My girlfriend is treating our relationship like a written agreement.

This isn't what I signed up for.

I was trying to practice on my guitar by playing some rock and the homeowners association gave me a written warning for the loud noise

Guess paper beats rock again

A software developer claims to have written a condition that detects items larger than medium size.

Big if true.

My dad told me that colleges are cracking down on ghost-written essays...

I asked, “What about mummy-written essays?”

I'm reading a horror book written in braille.

Something bad is going to happen. I can feel it.

I've written my first book, 5 words to success.

"That's true, you're absolutely right. "

I asked the blonde why she had TGIF written on her shoes even though it's Monday.

She replied, "Toes Go In First".

What time signature is most German music written in?

Nein four.

What do you call books written for cats?

Kitty Litter-ature.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A book never written: "When Your Dick Gets Almost Completely Severed"

Author: Peter Hanginoff

My wife demanded a divorce after seeing her name written in the snow with pee.

I didn't think she'd recognize her sister's handwriting.

I believe I can Fly, Bump and Grind, and Ignition by R Kelly were all written in the same key

A minor

A 300 page novel with a 50 page introductory essay written by the author walks into a bar.

The bartender asks, "Why the long preface?"

I convinced my son if he didn't try to keep me cool during Summer he wouldn't be written into my will...

Apparently I'm now a bad father simply for wanting some heir conditioning.

In my girlfriend's copy of 50 Shades of Grey I found a photo of me with the word "scumbag" written as a caption.

I guess I'm not in her good books.

What do you call jokes written on paper?

Material.

I’ve written a sitcom about a family who sell Islamic headdresses.

It’s called Bob’s Burqas.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Book never written

"Treating diarrhea while in Mexico" by Willy Makeit and narrated by Betty Don't

What do you call a poem written while climbing a mountain?

A hikeu

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

At last, someone's written a book about herb erotica...

It's about fucking thyme

Just written a depressing story about surprises

It’s a tale of WOAH!

This is a joke better spoken than written, but here goes anyway...

A guy walks into a bar with his dog. The bartender says, "We don't allow animals here. You're going to have to leave your dog outside." The guy replies, "No, you misunderstand. My dog can talk." Amused, the bartender tells the man that that's ridiculous and to leave his dog outside. The guy says, "F...

What do you need in order to understand a joke about a criminal's written confession?

Context.

Pope Francis has written an autobiography

He titled it, "I, Papi"

I’ve written a theatre production called “Thesaurus.”

It’s a play on words

Elon Musk is reported to have written a short joke on his Falcon Heavy rocket.

I guess the real joke is in the comets.

Went to the library to get a book co-written by Pavlov and Schroedinger.

Librarian said "it rings a bell but I'm not sure if we have it in or not"

I've written a script for a film about an action hero who works in accounts.

The sequel going to be set in a different department.

This time it's personnel.

Stephen Hawking’s final theory, written just before he died, was released yesterday.

It's about time

Thought I had written something clever until i started telling this one and no one got it.

I made a trip to the local dump yesterday and while I was there, I noticed that one of the employees was coughing and struggling to breathe, trying to heft a bag into a dumpster. So I went over to him and asked "excuse me sir, are you alright? Do you need a hand?" And he just replies "Nah I'm used t...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Salman Rushdie enjoyed the response to his book The Satanic Verses so much that he has written a sequel.

It will be called "Buddha, You Fat Fuck"

What I want written on my tombstone:

"Not appreciating puns was a grave mistake"

What do you call ad copy written by a communist?

Marxeting

I’ve written a joke about Elton John

It’s a little bit funny

3 unwritten rules of life:

1:
2:
3:

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Czech joke for you. (I think it is at least, it was written on page categorised as that)

A Russian soldier unit is flying to Chechnya and the Captain motivates soldiers: "Men, for every Chechen head you will get a bottle of vodka." The plane lands, the door breaks down, the soldiers scatter. In a few minutes they return and everyone has brought a couple of heads. The captain is all pale...

I hear Kim Jung-Un has read every book ever written...

That's why they call him the Supreme Reader.

What would a book on BDSM culture written in alabama be called?

Fifty Shades of Hay.

I have a puzzle that has 3-6 years written on it

But it only took me 5 months to finish it

Road safety rules are written in blood.

Electrical safety rules are written in bacon.

Books written by criminals are so hard to reference

Everytime you quote it, it's out of context

I bought a cake that had "ha ha" written on it

It tasted funny

I've written a poem about the sounds made by dogs...

It can only be read if you scan it first.

It's a bark ode.

They’ve written a sequel to The Martian where a hundred rescuers attempt to rescue a stranded man on mars, only to fail.

It’s title.

101 Dull Martians

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Books Never Written

Hey guys, don't know if you're familiar with these kind of jokes, but they were my favorite growing up, so I thought I'd post a bunch of the here. They're pretty corny, but I hope you enjoy!

*Take A Breather* by Justin Hale

*How to Become Famous* by Anonymous

*Living Long* by Di...

I WRITE ALL MY JOKES IN CAPITALS...

THIS ONE WAS WRITTEN IN PARIS...

Britain should have written a break up note

"It's not EU, it's me"

In my credit card statement there was an extra 666$ charge written in tiny fonts ...

As usual, the devil is in the details ...

If Men are From Mars, Women are From Venus was written today...

The solar system would need more planets for the title.

how do you know when a prescription is being written for bulimia?

when the directions for use say take one pill twice a day

Donald has written a lot of books about business, but there's an interesting characteristic they all share...

They all seem to end at Chapter 11.

Credit (to my dismay): HRC

I have written a couple of academic papers on replacement limbs.

They are my prostheses.

My jokes should be written on lollipop sticks

So you can only see them if you suck as much as they do

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