I have written a book on Penguins

In hindsight, paper would have been better.

They say history is written by the victors....

But I've never seen an emu write before.

(written by my 13-year-old son) What do you call a pig with herpes?

A warthog.

I've just written a song about tortillas,

actually, it’s more of a rap.

It may be written as 2021..

But it is definitely said as 2020 Won.

Not mine but I thought it was funny.

What do you call an apology written in dots and dashes?

Re-Morse code.

Ladies and Gentlemen of Reddit. I have written history.

History

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Barnyard antijokes, written by an AI

Q:
What's the difference between a horse and a duck?

A:
A horse has legs but a duck has feathers.

Q:
Why do elephants play hide-and-seek?

A: They don’t have to worry about winning.

Q:
How much is a cow worth?

Answer:
100 Pounds.

Q: ...

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Three English men were in a bar and spotted an Irish man. One of the guys said he was going to bug him.

He walked over to the Irish man and tapped him on the shoulder. "Hey, I hear your St. Patrick was a real tosser.”

“Oh really, hmm, didn't know that.”

Puzzled, the English man walked back to his buddies. "I told him St. Patrick was a tosser and he didn't care!"

"You just don't ...

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Jack woke up with a huge hangover after attending his company's Christmas party. He didn't even remember how he got home from the party. As bad as he was feeling, he wondered if he did something wrong.

Jack had to force himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he saw was a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table. And, next to them, a single red rose! Jack sat up and saw his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. He looked around the room and saw that it was in ...

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It’s been alleged that I’ve written a series of tweets about the song “I’m Too Sexy”.

I’d like to reassure my followers that I did not write said thread...

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I have a joke written on my penis

I’d show you but I don’t want you to laugh

Ready to feel old? Smashing Pumpkins’ "1979" came out in 1995, with 16 years between the title and the year of release. If it were written today it would be called

“March, 2020.”

You are looking through your food bag after just leaving the Taco Bell drive through and find a note written on a napkin that reads "There are 2 armed men in here".......what do you do?

Eat your food.......1 armed men can't make tacos.

What do you call music written by a guy about a girl?

A simphony

Seen written on the wall over a urinal in the men’s room...

What are you looking at? The joke’s in your hand.

I've just written a book about falling down a staircase

It's a step by step guide

I've written a musical about a band of London pick-pockets set in modern times...

It's basically Oliver! with a twist.

I was looking through my late Grandfather’s things and found an old poem he’d written for my Grandma. It read:

Roses are red, Violets are blue
I’ve got Alzheimer’s, cheese on toast.

What's a sentence that can never be truthfully written down?

"This pen isn't working"

What did the orange say to the door?

Mind if I squeeze in?

Written by my 4 year old daughter and I think it is hilarious.

What would an alcoholic Harper Lee have written ?

Tequila Mockingbird

This joke was originally written in Klingon; I hope I've got the translation right...

A new prisoner named Andy arrived at the prison. Andy had never been in prison before, so everything was new and strange.

Before long he met Bob, who sort of showed him around, introduced him to a few other prisoners, and helped him start to learn the ropes.

That evening, when t...

A father finds a letter written by his son

A father passing by his son's bedroom was astonished to see the bed was nicely made and everything was picked up. Then, he saw an envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow. It was addressed, 'Dad'. With the worst premonition, he opened the envelope and read the letter, with trembling hands. ...

They say classical music was written to speak through the ages

Bach to the future.

A wealthy man was having an affair with an Italian woman for a few years. One night, during one of their rendezvous, she confided in him that she was pregnant.

Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, he paid her a large sum of money if she would go to Italy to have the child. If she stayed in Italy, he would also provide child support until the child turned 18. She agreed, but wondered how he would know when the baby was born. To keep it discre...

What did the robot have written on their gravestone?

Rust In Peace

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A priest and a rabbi are standing on the side of the road, holding a hastily scrawled sign saying, "Turn around, the end is nigh."

A car drives past them and a young man leans out of the window to shout, "Get fucked, you religious freaks," and then floors the gas.

A moment later there is a yell and a loud splash.

The priest turns to the rabbi and says, "I told you we should have just written 'Danger, Bridge Colla...

Written jokes are bullocks

They’re basically text tickles

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A man's car breaks down in Tibet..

A man's car breaks down in Tibet, and wouldn't you know it? His phone gets no service. So he walks up a long windy road to a huge monastery at the top of the hill. He knocks at the reinforced double doors and a Tibetan monk after some minutes finally opens.

"My car broke down. Do you...

TIL Kim Jong-un has read every book ever written and that's why he's known as...

...The Supreme Reader.

So, I'm reading this book written in Braille...

I just know something terrible’s about to happen... I can feel it.

One day, Mickey Mouse wakes up and found a graffiti on the snow written with pee outside his house.

The graffiti wrote "Mickey Sucks".

The police came, and they told Mickey that there's bad news and an even worse news.

The bad news is, the urine is from Goofy.

The worse news is, its Minnie's handwriting.

I was very angry when my waiter served me bowl of dust. But then he pointed out, it's written right there on the menu...

"We only use the finest ingredients"

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The worst joke in the world

WW3 breaks out and the President authorizes use of the most powerful weapon ever made, a joke so bad it causes instant death to the listener. The problem is, it was said to be developed in revolutionary times by British expats and nobody could remember where it has been stashed away.

To find...

A company needs to hire an executive but they don't know what field they need

So they line up interviews with an engineer, a lawyer and an accountant. The first to be interviewed is the engineer. The interviewer points to a white board with "1 + 1" written on it and says "What does this equal?"

The engineer looks at the equation and says "Two. There is no other answer,...

Elon Musk is reported to have written a short joke on his Crew Dragon rocket

I guess the real joke will be in the comets.

I really hate articles that say 5 reasons why something is best and 5 reasons why it's the worst.

The whole argument is completely valid for the reason something is best. Which makes it a good article.

It actually makes the article just so contradictory it sucks.

But they are so easy to read and generally they are well written.

There are so many that each time Google recomme...

A re-written joke from this sub

A guy in this late twenties is sitting at a bar alone, when he sees a woman sitting across the bar. She's attractive for her age, but she's probably around 60 the guy guesses.
He finds his mind wondering, thinking if she was 20 years younger she'd be an absolute dime. And as he is in this imagin...

An enormously popular and beloved Pope, after a long reign, dies and, naturally, goes to heaven.

He's met by the reception committee, and after a whirlwind tour he is told that he can enjoy any of the myriad of recreations available.

The pope, having always loved the bible, decides that he wants to read all of the original records of God's communications with humanity before they were re...

Kings have numbers in their titles, like III/the Third. How the Sixth King is written?

Viking.

Why are written puns worse than puns spoken aloud?

Puns on paper are tearable.

Man 1: This poem is so badly written. I don't even know what it says.

Man 2: That's the verse part of it!

Shortest joke ever written !

Dwarf shortage...

Why was Mickey Mouse so upset that Goofy's name was written in the snow?

It was done in Minnie's handwriting.

A woman wanted to know how her husband would react if she left him. She wrote him a letter saying she is tired of him and didn't want to live with him anymore. She put it on the table in the bedroom and then climbed under the bed to hide until her husband got home.

When he eventually came back home, he saw the letter on the table and read it. After a few moments of silence, he picked up the pen and added something to the letter. Then he started to get changed, whistling happy tunes and singing and dancing while he did so. He grabbed his phone and dialed a numb...

A random quote written in gents toilet

You future is in your hand

.

..

Imagine the quote written in ladies toilet

.

.

Do not play with your future....

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Tom and Yuu's love story

Tom Wake and Yuu Watanabe met in Japan while Tom was on a business trip. Ironically, Tom didn't want to take the job, but he was the only one fluent in Japanese, so he reluctantly went on the trip. Usually, deals like these took place over video conferences, but the company's client insisted on meet...

SpaceX have developed a new type of rocket that can fly to the moon in record-breaking time.

It's a regular rocket, with "GME" written on it.

Did you hear about the diss that was written in braille?

The guy really felt that

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Is BUTTCHEEKS written as one word ,

Or should l spread them apart.

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How to Write a Paper

1. Sit in a straight, comfortable chair, in a well lit place, with plenty of freshly sharpened pencils.

2. Check your email.

3. Read over the assignment carefully, to make certain you understand.

4. Walk down to the vending machines and buy some coffee to help you conce...

Written on bathroom wall

Three things I hate:

1. Vandalism
2. Lists
3. Sarcasm

What do you call a written copy of Chinese history from Tiananmen Square?

[REDACTED]

be careful what you wish for!

so this guy is walking down the street one day and he sees this other guy on the other side of the road with an orange for a head and hes like "whoa, oh my god that guy has an orange for a head!" so he goes over to him and he's like "hey man, you've got an orange for a head!" and the other guy nods...

What is written on Steve Jobs tombstone?

iCame, iSaw, iConquered.

Do you know why dark is written with "k" and not with "c"?

Because you can't see in the dark

The most beautiful piece of music ever written is a fart..

Air On A G String

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A dictator once asked a famous composer if he could write him a brilliant piece of music.

Naturally, the composer was extremely nervous, as the dictator had a habit of giving the death penalty to those who did not please him.

The composer spent weeks working on this piece, and from a musical standpoint it was quite good. So, he gathered his orchestra and performed his piece for th...

A man goes into a pet store and demands an amazing pet for a very cheap price

The shop keeper says "I have a talking fox for only £20" the man exclaims " foxes can't talk!" While he's rambling on the fox puts his paw up on the desk and says "actually I can talk... I've written 3 books and I climbed up mount Everest for the 2nd time yesterday!" The man says "wow he's amazing, ...

Did you hear about the self-help book written by a turtle?

It was a New York Times' Best Sheller!

In a catholic school canteen there are three long tables

At one end of the middle table, there is a plate of apples and a piece of paper in front of the plate saying "Take only one, God is watching." There is a second plate at the other side of the table, and this one has cookies in it. There is another piece of paper in front of this plate and it has an ...

A guy is relaxing at home when he hears a loud banging on his front door. He opens the door to discover his next-door neighbor standing there looking outraged. "

What's the matter Bill?" he asks the neighbor. "I found your son's name written with pee in the snow between our houses!" he responds. "What's the big deal? He's a kid. Kids do that stuff". I'll tell you the big deal! It was in my daughter's handwriting!"

A couple of years ago Barry went hiking across Europe

But as time passed by he never returned home. His many friends tried contacting him in any way they could imagine, but his phone was disconnected, he wasn't active on his social media accounts anymore - it was like he disappeared off the face of the Earth.

Ultimately, everyone had forgotten a...

A bullet may have a name written on it

But a grenade simply says "to whom it may concern"

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A Teacher is talking to her class about Prostitutions rights in Nevada

She explains that Nevada has several brothels that have been in operation since the frontier days, and so legislature has been written to allow them to practice prostitution.

She then goes on to explain that, with the exception of Las Vegas, Nevada is mainly comprised of silver mining towns, ...

Do you know who I am?!

Back in college I sat for a final written exam, and when the professor called time I made my way to the front of the class to drop off my work. With 300+ students it took a while, and I chatted with a friend for a minute. I was the last to turn in my test.

"You're late. I'm not accepting your...

I recently learnt the Welsh word for 'push' is 'lluq'.

I saw it written on a Glass Door.

I WRITE ALL MY JOKES IN CAPITALS...

**THIS ONE WAS WRITTEN IN PARIS.**

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A woman is having an affair...

... with a man.

One day, her 14-year-old son hides in the closet to watch what they do.Surprisingly, the husband comes home and the wife hides her lover in the closet without realizing that her son is already in there.

Son: " Kinda dark in here."Man: "Yes."Son: "I have a baseball."Man:...

A priest, a rabbi, and Socrates walk into a bar.

The priest turns to the rabbi and says "God, I hope this joke isn't written by Plato."

Nobody has written a novel about writing a novel.

It's a novel, novel novel idea.

Why are Donald Trump's letters so poorly written?

He can't do drafts because of bone spurs.

Bad, long, and written by Russian who doesn’t know English grammar

Old poor man is traveling on his old camel through the desert under intense heat

His camel had no opportunity to drink for too long, and so it is very tiered.

Then, a caravan of camels loaded with various goods, food and water and leaded by a strong young man catches up with an old m...

The Test

A teacher has prepared a test for two of her students. One kid is very clever and the other kid is a bit slow, to say the least.

The test has 10 questions and the teacher sits both kids down in the classroom and gives them 45 minutes to complete the test.

Once completed by the students...

I should've known better than to sign a contract that was written on the side of a cereal box.

Turns out the thing was filled with loopholes

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At last, someone's written a book about herb erotica...

It's about fucking thyme

I've written some jokes

But I gotta say the one about the kleptomaniac baker really takes the cake

My wife demanded a divorce after seeing her name written in the snow with pee.

I didn't think she'd recognize her sister's handwriting.

What can be written on both a gravestone and the White House?

"Here lies Donald"

I have written a book about the benefits of suicide.

No reviews yet.

Teacher came to Jack's desk

-You had the same answers in your test as Stan. So you must have cheated.

-How do you know that Stan didn't look at my answers? Jack defended himself.

-Stan had written "I don't know" and you had written "I don't know either"...

A Book Never Written

Do These Pickles Smell Funny?

By: Fardhina Jarr

What would you call a poem written in the honour of a Mathematician?

dy/dx - 3x = 2

What's this?

An ODE (Ordinary Differential Equation)

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I've written a book about a young girl

who takes drugs and encounters all kinds of strange creatures talking in almost incomprehensible dialect. It ends up with her getting pregnant and becoming a single mother, living on a shitty estate and surviving off benefits.

It's called "Alice in Sunderland".

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Got written up for being moody at work today. They told me to leave my problems at the door...

That door is gonna need a shitload of therapy.

The scariest book of all time!! [LONG]

There once lived an author named Mr. Troller. He was infamous as the writer of the scariest book ever. Only three people ever bought his book and after reading his book , all the three guys passed away . The reason nobody bought his book was because it was damn expensive ($150,000) and nobody wanted...

If Game of Thrones was written by M. Night Shyamalan, what would he have called the White Walkers?

Icy Dead People

This joke is better performed than written but I think y'all will enjoy it

How do you play catch with a kid with no arms or legs?

[Grunt and pretend you're trying to heave something heavy]

Seen written on a stall in a men's bathroom:

"My wife follows me everywhere."
Written just below it:
"I do not"

I once went at a strip-tease club and entered a door with "women" written on it

Sadly there were only toilets

I was trying to practice on my guitar by playing some rock and the homeowners association gave me a written warning for the loud noise

Guess paper beats rock again

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Discordian Enlightenment

A serious young man found the conflicts of mid 20th Century America confusing. He went to many people seeking a way of resolving within himself the discords that troubled him, but he remained troubled.

One night in a coffee house, a self-ordained Zen Master said to him, "Go to the dilapidated...

I recently got a rulebook written by an artist I ordered on Amazon. The way they numerically list the rules is weird:

...,30, 31, 32, 33, 33A, 35, 36,...

What do you call books written for cats?

Kitty Litter-ature.

A man is sitting in his easy chair watching the football game when his wife comes in and slaps him in the face.

He says,”What was that for!”

She says,”I found a piece of paper in your coat pocket with the name Dorothy written on it!”

The man says,” oh that’s just the name of the horse I was going to bet on”

A week passes and the man is back in his easy chair watching another football game...

I believe I can Fly, Bump and Grind, and Ignition by R Kelly were all written in the same key

A minor

Thought I had written something clever until i started telling this one and no one got it.

I made a trip to the local dump yesterday and while I was there, I noticed that one of the employees was coughing and struggling to breathe, trying to heft a bag into a dumpster. So I went over to him and asked "excuse me sir, are you alright? Do you need a hand?" And he just replies "Nah I'm used t...

What I want written on my tombstone:

"Not appreciating puns was a grave mistake"

What time signature is most German music written in?

Nein four.

This is a joke better spoken than written, but here goes anyway...

A guy walks into a bar with his dog. The bartender says, "We don't allow animals here. You're going to have to leave your dog outside." The guy replies, "No, you misunderstand. My dog can talk." Amused, the bartender tells the man that that's ridiculous and to leave his dog outside. The guy says, "F...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Books Never Written

Hey guys, don't know if you're familiar with these kind of jokes, but they were my favorite growing up, so I thought I'd post a bunch of the here. They're pretty corny, but I hope you enjoy!

*Take A Breather* by Justin Hale

*How to Become Famous* by Anonymous

*Living Long* by Di...

What did one Dorito farmer say to the other Dorito farmer?

Cool ranch.

(Written by my 9 yo daughter).

A software developer claims to have written a condition that detects items larger than medium size.

Big if true.

I asked the blonde why she had TGIF written on her shoes even though it's Monday.

She replied, "Toes Go In First".

Has anyone read the Indian wordplay book?

It’s written in punjabi

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A book never written: "When Your Dick Gets Almost Completely Severed"

Author: Peter Hanginoff

In my girlfriend's copy of 50 Shades of Grey I found a photo of me with the word "scumbag" written as a caption.

I guess I'm not in her good books.

I have a puzzle that has 3-6 years written on it

But it only took me 5 months to finish it

My girlfriend is treating our relationship like a written agreement.

This isn't what I signed up for.

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