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Written on My Forehead

John is at home watching a football game when his wife interrupts, "Honey, could you fix the light in the hallway? It's been flickering for weeks now".
He looks at her and says angrily, "Fix the lights now? Does it look like I have GE written on my forehead? I don't think so".
Fine, then t...

I really like how the Bible is written

They nailed it

What is written on a very successful hacker’s tombstone?

“R”
His IP is well hidden.

What do you call an apology written in dots and lines?

A Re-Morse Code

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Three sisters were all getting married within a short time period...

...Mum was a bit worried about how their sex life would get started and made them all promise to send a postcard from the honeymoon with a few words on their first impressions of marital sex.

The first girl sent a card from Hawaii two days after the wedding.

The card said nothing but: ...

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It might be a repost and badly written but my dad just told this to me and I thought it was too good to not share

Patrick and Mick worked at a factory and one day Patrick cut his arm off in a sawmill so mick put the arm in a plastic bag and took him to the hospital.

The next day mick rings up the doctor to ask how Patrick's doing.

The doctor says "he's just exercising in rehab"

Shocked, mi...

They say history is written by the victors....

But I've never seen an emu write before.

Somebody threw a rock at me with bgna written on it

That's bang out of order

what was written on the hypocondriac's gravestone?

I told you I was sick.

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A US Navy cruiser anchored in Mississippi for a week's shore leave.

The first evening, the ship's Captain received the following note from the wife of a very wealthy and influential plantation owner:

"Dear Captain, Thursday will be my daughter's Debutante Ball. I would like you to send four well-mannered, handsome, unmarried officers in their formal dress uni...

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I'm devastated. I just had a look at my doctor's notes and he's written that after my accident, I'll never be able to wank again.

Edit: False alarm! I asked him about it and he chuckled about the whole "doctors have bad handwriting" cliche. It's meant to say walk. What a relief!

A priest was approached one night by Satan himself.

"Do not be frightened," said Satan. "I have an offer to make. I will make you tremendously powerful, famous and rich in return for just one small favour: half of your ability to hear."

The priest was stunned. "Let me think about it for a few days."

The next morning, the priest requeste...

Will’s apology was really well written and thoughtful..

The person who wrote it should get a raise.

The UK just passed a law so that corporations have to post earnings statements in public spaces to be accessible, like in parks, metro stations, high-density residential areas...

And the words of the profits are written on the subway walls and tenement halls.

What was written on the turkey’s gravestone?

Roast in peace

What do you call a story written in Braille?

A touching story.

(written by my 13-year-old son) What do you call a pig with herpes?

A warthog.

A wealthy man was having an affair with an Italian woman for a few years.

One night, during one of their rendezvous, she confided in him that she was pregnant. Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, he paid her a large sum of money if she would go to Italy to have the child. If she stayed in Italy, he would also provide child support until the child turned 18...

The Most Dad Joke of Puns!

All the best Puns are written down on paper. That way, they're truly tear-able.

Also it's my cake day!

Obit

Woman from the deepest, most southern part of Alabama goes into the local newspaper office to see that the obituary for her recently deceased husband is written. The obit editor informs her that the fee for the obituary is 50 cents a word. She pauses, reflects and then says, “Well, then, let it read...

I've written a poem

Did Doug Dig?

Doug did dig.

Doug dug down.

Down and

down

and

d

o

w

n.

The end.

It's not great, but you've got to admit, it's pretty deep.

I've just written a book called "Fifty Shades of Gravy"

It's very saucy

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Here is a useful information you need to know : Orthodox priests are allowed to get married. That explains why the priest is believed to have a wife. Now read the joke.

A man from a small Bulgarian (Orthodox country) village had an insurmountable desire to sleep with the local priest's wife. In order to ensure that the priest would not come home in the wrong time the man asked a good friend of his to find a way to keep the priest in the church for long enough. The ...

I’ve just finished writing a book on snakes.

It would have been much easier if I’d just written in on paper…

I have just written a book on how to fall down a staircase.

It's a step by step guide.

What's a sentence that can never be truthfully written down?

"This pen isn't working"

I finished a puzzle the other day. It had "3 to 5 years" written on the box.

It only took me two weeks.

Ladies and Gentlemen of Reddit. I have written history.

History

Joke written by an AI

Disclaimer: The joke below was not created by me, or any human, but rather by an AI. I was curious to see if an AI could have a sense of humor.

A guy walks into a bar and sits down next to a very attractive woman. After an hour of conversation, the woman says to the man, "Thank you for buyin...

I saw a joke written on the side of a blimp

It went over my head.

Diving

One day a diver was enjoying the aquatic world 20 ft below sea level. He noticed a guy at the same depth he was, but he was not wearing a scuba gear.

The diver went below another 20 ft but the guy joined him a few minutes later.

The diver went below 25 ft, but minutes later, the sam...

My girlfriend thinks I don’t respect her privacy

That’s what was written in her diary.

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Where do recently deceased female dogs get written up in the newspaper?

The o-bitch-uaries

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It’s been alleged that I’ve written a series of tweets about the song “I’m Too Sexy”.

I’d like to reassure my followers that I did not write said thread...

Book never written: "Disciplining Really Disobedient Kids"

...by A. S. Swooping

I thought I’d finally written a non-denominational joke...

but when I told it to my priest, he said it didn’t make cents.

An Old Couple has Memory Problems

They both continually struggle with short term memory issues, forgetting their keys, glasses and everything else you could possibly imagine!

One day they went to the doctors to ask him what they could do. He told them that one of the best things they can do is write everything down. Not only ...

It's my cake day, so I wanna share my favorite joke :-)

Jack wakes up with a huge hangover after attending his company's party. He is not normally a drinker, but the drinks didn't taste like alcohol at all. He didn't even remember how he got home from the party. As bad as he was feeling, he wondered if he did something wrong.

He forced himself to ...

I've just written a song about tortillas,

actually, it’s more of a rap.

A mother and her 2 daughters are at a cemetery

One of the kids is curious and asks her mom “Mommy, why am I named Rose?”

Their mom replies “Because when you were a baby, a rose petal fell on your head.”

Her second daughter asks “Mommy, why am I named Daisy?”

Her mom replies “Because when you were a baby, a daisy petal fell o...

A funny story written by some of my Chinese students, 10/11 years old. i hope it makes you laugh

The Foolish Farmer


 
A long time ago, there was a farmer who had never been to the city before. One day, he went to the supermarket in the city. He saw a rubber that was like a small car. He asked the seller, “Why is this car so small?”
 


The seller replied, “ Its not a c...

I'm reading a horror book written in braille.

Something bad is going to happen. I can feel it.

What do you call a deer with no eyes?

I have no ideer

-written in dirt on the back of a truck. Gave me a laugh.

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Barnyard antijokes, written by an AI

Q:
What's the difference between a horse and a duck?

A:
A horse has legs but a duck has feathers.

Q:
Why do elephants play hide-and-seek?

A: They don’t have to worry about winning.

Q:
How much is a cow worth?

Answer:
100 Pounds.

Q: ...

Five friends were so confident about passing the finals that on the weekend, they decided to go for a picnic. They had a great time.

However, after all the partying, they spent all Sunday sleeping and didn't make it back to college until early Monday morning.

Rather than taking the finals then, they decided to find their professor after the final and explain to him, why they missed it.

They said that they had gone ...

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I have a joke written on my penis

I’d show you but I don’t want you to laugh

A father finds a letter written by his son

A father passing by his son's bedroom was astonished to see the bed was nicely made and everything was picked up. Then, he saw an envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow. It was addressed, 'Dad'. With the worst premonition, he opened the envelope and read the letter, with trembling hands. ...

Why are written puns worse than puns spoken aloud?

Puns on paper are tearable.

You are looking through your food bag after just leaving the Taco Bell drive through and find a note written on a napkin that reads "There are 2 armed men in here".......what do you do?

Eat your food.......1 armed men can't make tacos.

I just finished writing my book on penguins.

My publisher said it would've been better if I'd written it on paper.

They say classical music was written to speak through the ages

Bach to the future.

Do you know why dark is written with "k" and not with "c"?

Because you can't see in the dark

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A clearly inebriated woman, stark naked, jumped into a taxi in New York and laid down on the back seat.

The cab driver, an old Jewish gentleman, opened his eyes wide and stared at the woman.

He made no attempt to start the cab.

The woman glared back at him and said, “What’s wrong with you, honey? Haven’t you ever seen a naked woman before?”

The old Jewish driver answered, “Let me ...

I hear Kim Jung-Un has read every book ever written...

That's why they call him the Supreme Reader.

What do you call music written by a guy about a girl?

A simphony

I've written a musical about a band of London pick-pockets set in modern times...

It's basically Oliver! with a twist.

I was looking through my late Grandfather’s things and found an old poem he’d written for my Grandma. It read:

Roses are red, Violets are blue
I’ve got Alzheimer’s, cheese on toast.

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Reality

Letter from Daughter to Parents

Dear Mother and Dad:

It has now been three months since I left for college. I have been remiss in writing this and I am very sorry for my thoughtlessness in not having written before. I will bring you up to date now, but before you read on,please sit d...

This joke was originally written in Klingon; I hope I've got the translation right...

A new prisoner named Andy arrived at the prison. Andy had never been in prison before, so everything was new and strange.

Before long he met Bob, who sort of showed him around, introduced him to a few other prisoners, and helped him start to learn the ropes.

That evening, when t...

Shortest joke ever written !

Dwarf shortage...

A little boy was diligently reading his book when he suddenly asked, "Mum, how do rabbits bark?"

His mother looks up in surprise. "Rabbits don't bark, dear", she says.

"That's odd", says the boy, "Here it is written that rabbits eat carrots and bark."

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Books Never Written

Hey guys, don't know if you're familiar with these kind of jokes, but they were my favorite growing up, so I thought I'd post a bunch of the here. They're pretty corny, but I hope you enjoy!

*Take A Breather* by Justin Hale

*How to Become Famous* by Anonymous

*Living Long* by Di...

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Tim and Jake goes to watch a football game

Tim : What is that on players back?

Jake : Oh that, the players have written their name in braille to raise awareness about blind people.

Tim : Raise awareness about blind people. Who the fuck doesn't know about blind people.

Jake : Well the deaf have never heard about them.

One salad: $3, three salads: $10!

At the market place, a seller advertises "1 salad for $3, 3 salads for $10".

A customer passing by stops and speaks with the seller:

-That's not right!

-What do you mean?

-Well, that's not an offer: 3 salads cost $9.

-No, sir, it says here that 3 salads cost $10.<...

I was very angry when my waiter served me bowl of dust. But then he pointed out, it's written right there on the menu...

"We only use the finest ingredients"

Written jokes are bullocks

They’re basically text tickles

Seen written on the wall over a urinal in the men’s room...

What are you looking at? The joke’s in your hand.

What is written on Steve Jobs tombstone?

iCame, iSaw, iConquered.

KGB had trouble with distinguishing Leonid Brezhnev and a spy who was about to impersonate him. Suddenly one of the officers had a great idea.

They told both of them "Say this sentence: Glory to USSR, our Motherland, the country of the people."

One of them says "Glory to USSR, our Motherland, the country of the people"

The second says "Glory to USSR, our... our... hmmm."

They asked him, why can't he repeat it.

T...

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Is BUTTCHEEKS written as one word ,

Or should l spread them apart.

What I want written on my tombstone:

"Not appreciating puns was a grave mistake"

Written above a urinal.

The jokes not here it's in your hand.

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At last, someone's written a book about herb erotica...

It's about fucking thyme

Written on bathroom wall

Three things I hate:

1. Vandalism
2. Lists
3. Sarcasm

Did you hear about the diss that was written in braille?

The guy really felt that

Why was Mickey Mouse so upset that Goofy's name was written in the snow?

It was done in Minnie's handwriting.

A joke from my country (Brazil)

In an international police convention, American FBI, English Scotland Yard and Brazilian BOPE are about to take part in a competition.

A rabbit will be set loose in the woods and the team that retrieves it in the shortest time wins.

First goes the Scotland Yard. They use hounds and hel...

One day, Mickey Mouse wakes up and found a graffiti on the snow written with pee outside his house.

The graffiti wrote "Mickey Sucks".

The police came, and they told Mickey that there's bad news and an even worse news.

The bad news is, the urine is from Goofy.

The worse news is, its Minnie's handwriting.

A bullet may have a name written on it

But a grenade simply says "to whom it may concern"

Man 1: This poem is so badly written. I don't even know what it says.

Man 2: That's the verse part of it!

My wife demanded a divorce after seeing her name written in the snow with pee.

I didn't think she'd recognize her sister's handwriting.

Nobody has written a novel about writing a novel.

It's a novel, novel novel idea.

Elon Musk is reported to have written a short joke on his Crew Dragon rocket

I guess the real joke will be in the comets.

At school the teacher tells the students:

- Children, you have to write an essay that ends with the sentence "Mother, there is only one".

One child presents his essay about the time his mother saved his puppy from being run over and killed: "And that's why I say that mother, there is only one".

Another child presents his essay...

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The local hot shot had never lost a drag race.

He had a souped up little dragster he pieced together himself. It was an old Honda, sure, but this guy had tuned it to perfection. Not only that, he'd squeezed every ounce of horsepower out of it possible: straight pipes, turbo, the works.

There's a straightaway on a back road where all the l...

Thought I had written something clever until i started telling this one and no one got it.

I made a trip to the local dump yesterday and while I was there, I noticed that one of the employees was coughing and struggling to breathe, trying to heft a bag into a dumpster. So I went over to him and asked "excuse me sir, are you alright? Do you need a hand?" And he just replies "Nah I'm used t...

You know a food's bad when the label is written in

Binary

A random quote written in gents toilet

You future is in your hand

.

..

Imagine the quote written in ladies toilet

.

.

Do not play with your future....

Britain should have written a break up note

"It's not EU, it's me"

This is a joke better spoken than written, but here goes anyway...

A guy walks into a bar with his dog. The bartender says, "We don't allow animals here. You're going to have to leave your dog outside." The guy replies, "No, you misunderstand. My dog can talk." Amused, the bartender tells the man that that's ridiculous and to leave his dog outside. The guy says, "F...

Little Jason was writing a Christmas card to his friend David

He asked his mum, "mum, how do I spell Merry Christmas"?

Mum: "You can find it on the card, it starts with the letter M".

A week later, David's mum sent a picture of a Christmas card to Jason's mum via Telegram. This was written in the card:

" David, Made in china. ...

I should've known better than to sign a contract that was written on the side of a cereal box.

Turns out the thing was filled with loopholes

A man down on his luck went to an oracle and asked him to tell him the numbers that will change his life

the oracle took his glass orb, searched the mans future and told him “The numbers I see in your future are 3419807”

The man happy with these numbers, goes to a convenience store and buys a lottery ticket with his last few dollars and uses the numbers 3419807.

The next day the lottery n...

I believe I can Fly, Bump and Grind, and Ignition by R Kelly were all written in the same key

A minor

The most beautiful piece of music ever written is a fart..

Air On A G String

I've written a book about reverse psychology

Please don't buy it.

A re-written joke from this sub

A guy in this late twenties is sitting at a bar alone, when he sees a woman sitting across the bar. She's attractive for her age, but she's probably around 60 the guy guesses.
He finds his mind wondering, thinking if she was 20 years younger she'd be an absolute dime. And as he is in this imagin...

I was trying to practice on my guitar by playing some rock and the homeowners association gave me a written warning for the loud noise

Guess paper beats rock again

What do you call books written for cats?

Kitty Litter-ature.

I've written some jokes

But I gotta say the one about the kleptomaniac baker really takes the cake

A District Court judge, a Circuit Court judge, and a Supreme Court justice are sitting at a bar

The District Court judge says, "I interpret the Constitution the way I read it."

The Circuit Court judge says, "I interpret the Constitution the way it's written."

The Supreme Court justice says, "The Constitution isn't anything, until I interpret it."

(original joke was three u...

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Three English men were in a bar and spotted an Irish man. One of the guys said he was going to bug him.

He walked over to the Irish man and tapped him on the shoulder. "Hey, I hear your St. Patrick was a real tosser.”

“Oh really, hmm, didn't know that.”

Puzzled, the English man walked back to his buddies. "I told him St. Patrick was a tosser and he didn't care!"

"You just don't ...

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