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Written Jokes

The captain asks a seamen to tell him how "2" is written in Latin.

The seamen replies "Aye aye, capt'n!"

I went to the bookstore and asked the employee, “Do you have any books written by Shakespeare?”

He said, “Of course. Which one?”

I said, “William.”

Only an American could have written The Wizard of Oz.

Anywhere else, he'd be The Wizard of 28g.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

First joke I've written, would like some feedback please

There's this guy with a crush on a cashier at the grocery store so he asks her to go on a date and she says yes.

She's got a lot of piercings and while on the date the guy asks her what made her decide to get so many piercings.

She tells him, "when I'm disappointed with a part of my ...

A Book Series Never Written…

“The Assignment Chronicles”

* Book 1 written by Ken U. Duitt

* Book 2 written by Noah Kent

* Book 3 written by Nora Cannai

* Book 4 written by May Neether

* Book 5 written by Al Trayet

* Book 6 written by Cole Laktiv-Raleif

You can tell that Wolverine is a Canadian character written by an American

His superpower is healthcare

I've written a very short poem about myself.

\*ahem\* Here it goes;

I

I've written the funniest joke about Neuclear Fusion.

I'll post it in 20 years.

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A joke written by the AI, ChatGPT

The sky above the port was the color of a moldy jellyfish, a sickly green that made everyone below feel nauseous. But a group of rebellious clowns, led by the hapless hero Isaac Newton, had a plan to bring some joy to the dreary sky. Using a circus tent and a lot of helium, they intended to lift the...

On my first day at astronaut training, I vomited and asked the instructor, “Is this normal?”

He said, “Not during a written exam, no.”

I was surprised to see that the first chapter of the otherwise English novel was written entirely in Spanish

But then again, no one expects the Spanish exposition.

A pastor was on his way home from an oil change. On the way, he decided to stop at a church member's house.

After ringing the doorbell the pastor was sure that he saw movement inside the house. He rung the doorbell again, and the pastor noticed someone moving quickly from one room to another. The pastor whipped out a "Several Steps to Becoming a Christian" pamphlet, and quickly scrawled on it 'Revelation ...

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How can I improve this joke I wrote?

A man one day hears a buzzing noise from the spare bedroom in his house and when he goes to open the door it's locked. His wife walks out 15 minutes later looking very relaxed and he asks her what that noise was.

She tells him its the new vibrator she bought and its amazing! The next day the ...

Written on My Forehead

John is at home watching a football game when his wife interrupts, "Honey, could you fix the light in the hallway? It's been flickering for weeks now".
He looks at her and says angrily, "Fix the lights now? Does it look like I have GE written on my forehead? I don't think so".
Fine, then t...

Mike Tyson has written a book on Ethics in Massachusetts

If it's a success, he's going to write books on the other counties.

What do you call an apology written in dots and lines?

A Re-Morse Code

I really like how the Bible is written

They nailed it

There was this musician in North Korea…

One day he was called upon Kim Jong-Un himself to compose a piece of music and have the great North Korean orchestra play it to him in the humble auditorium.

The man, not wanting to displease the Great Leader, did as he asked.
The big night arrived with the musician stood at the fron...

What is written on a very successful hacker’s tombstone?

“R”
His IP is well hidden.

Time traveler talks to a mathematician

The time traveler says, "Hello, in my grad school I have learned that it is impossible for any number which is a power greater than the second to be written as the sum of two like powers such as x^n + y^n = z^n for n > 2."

"Show me how you proved it," the mathematician says.

"Indeed...

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I'm devastated. I just had a look at my doctor's notes and he's written that after my accident, I'll never be able to wank again.

Edit: False alarm! I asked him about it and he chuckled about the whole "doctors have bad handwriting" cliche. It's meant to say walk. What a relief!

They say history is written by the victors....

But I've never seen an emu write before.

what was written on the hypocondriac's gravestone?

I told you I was sick.

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It might be a repost and badly written but my dad just told this to me and I thought it was too good to not share

Patrick and Mick worked at a factory and one day Patrick cut his arm off in a sawmill so mick put the arm in a plastic bag and took him to the hospital.

The next day mick rings up the doctor to ask how Patrick's doing.

The doctor says "he's just exercising in rehab"

Shocked, mi...

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Daughters.

A mother had three virgin daughters. They were all getting married within a short time period Because Mom was a bit worried about how their sex life would get started, she made them all promise to send a postcard from the honeymoon with a few words on how marital sex felt.

The first girl se...

Did you hear about the famous musician who was buried in a guitar-shaped coffin?

He had to have 8 Les Paulbearers.


(Co-written by u/no_need_really)

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Mens Help Line

Alright, so here's a letter from a guy who's written in to the Men's Help Line, and it's like,

'Dear John, I've got a serious problem.

I think my wife might be cheating on me.

You know, all the usual signs: the phone rings and I answer, they hang up.

She's always out with...

A six-year-old girl came home one day from school

and asked her mother, “Mama, how was I born?” The mother was embarrassed. She said, “A stork dropped you.” The girl noted that down.

Then she asked, “Mama, how were you born?” 

“A stork dropped me too.” 

“Mama, how was Grandmama born?” 

“A stork dropped her too.” 

...

Will’s apology was really well written and thoughtful..

The person who wrote it should get a raise.

When i have my first child I’m going to make him read all the Harry Potter books and convince him he is also a wizard.

On his 11th birthday he will receive his hogwarts letter (written by me) and i will then take him to kings cross station and say nothing as he runs at the wall between platform 9 and 10.

a man goes on a trip to a country he has never been on

The he goes to the supermarket and sees something he has never seen before: Matches.

So he buys a pack and sends them to his best friend with written instructions on how to use them.

When he is back home he talks to the friend and asks him about the matches.

The friend tells him...

Here are the three unwritten rules of being successful at life.

1.

2.

3.

What do you call a story written in Braille?

A touching story.

From now on I will write all my jokes in capitals…

This one was written in London

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New book: "40 Yard Dash to the Bathroom"

Written by Willy Makeit
Illustrated by Betty Wont

What

An eccentric philosophy professor gave a one question final exam after a semester dealing with a broad array of topics.

The class was already seated and ready to go when the professor picked up his chair, plopped it on his desk and wrote on the board: “Using everything we have learned this ...

Joke written by an AI

Disclaimer: The joke below was not created by me, or any human, but rather by an AI. I was curious to see if an AI could have a sense of humor.

A guy walks into a bar and sits down next to a very attractive woman. After an hour of conversation, the woman says to the man, "Thank you for buyin...

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