Written Jokes - 107 Hilarious Written Jokes

I have written a book on Penguins

In hindsight, paper would have been better.

Written on My Forehead

John is at home watching a football game when his wife interrupts, "Honey, could you fix the light in the hallway? It's been flickering for weeks now".
He looks at her and says angrily, "Fix the lights now? Does it look like I have GE written on my forehead? I don't think so".
Fine, then t...

They say history is written by the victors....

But I've never seen an emu write before.

You can tell that Wolverine is a Canadian character written by an American

His superpower is healthcare

I went to the bookstore and asked the employee, “Do you have any books written by Shakespeare?”

He said, “Of course. Which one?”

I said, “William.”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

First joke I've written, would like some feedback please

There's this guy with a crush on a cashier at the grocery store so he asks her to go on a date and she says yes.

She's got a lot of piercings and while on the date the guy asks her what made her decide to get so many piercings.

She tells him, "when I'm disappointed with a part of my ...

Only an American could have written The Wizard of Oz.

Anywhere else, he'd be The Wizard of 28g.

The captain asks a seamen to tell him how "2" is written in Latin.

The seamen replies "Aye aye, capt'n!"

I have just written a book on how to fall down a staircase.

It's a step by step guide.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Books Never Written

Hey guys, don't know if you're familiar with these kind of jokes, but they were my favorite growing up, so I thought I'd post a bunch of the here. They're pretty corny, but I hope you enjoy!

*Take A Breather* by Justin Hale

*How to Become Famous* by Anonymous

*Living Long* by Di...

I'm reading a horror book written in braille.

Something bad is going to happen. I can feel it.

What do you call an apology written in dots and lines?

A Re-Morse Code

A Book Series Never Written…

“The Assignment Chronicles”

* Book 1 written by Ken U. Duitt

* Book 2 written by Noah Kent

* Book 3 written by Nora Cannai

* Book 4 written by May Neether

* Book 5 written by Al Trayet

* Book 6 written by Cole Laktiv-Raleif

I hear Kim Jung-Un has read every book ever written...

That's why they call him the Supreme Reader.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I'm devastated. I just had a look at my doctor's notes and he's written that after my accident, I'll never be able to wank again.

Edit: False alarm! I asked him about it and he chuckled about the whole "doctors have bad handwriting" cliche. It's meant to say walk. What a relief!

I've written the funniest joke about Neuclear Fusion.

I'll post it in 20 years.

What's a sentence that can never be truthfully written down?

"This pen isn't working"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A joke written by the AI, ChatGPT

The sky above the port was the color of a moldy jellyfish, a sickly green that made everyone below feel nauseous. But a group of rebellious clowns, led by the hapless hero Isaac Newton, had a plan to bring some joy to the dreary sky. Using a circus tent and a lot of helium, they intended to lift the...

What I want written on my tombstone:

"Not appreciating puns was a grave mistake"

I really like how the Bible is written

They nailed it

Mike Tyson has written a book on Ethics in Massachusetts

If it's a success, he's going to write books on the other counties.

How do you know if a joke was written by ChatGPT?

It’s better than this one

I've written a poem

This comment has been overwritten and deleted forevermore by the user in response to the API changes June 2023.

What is written on a very successful hacker’s tombstone?

“R”
His IP is well hidden.

Do you know why dark is written with "k" and not with "c"?

Because you can't see in the dark

Somebody threw a rock at me with bgna written on it

That's bang out of order

what was written on the hypocondriac's gravestone?

I told you I was sick.

What do you call a story written in Braille?

A touching story.

I've written a book about reverse psychology

Please don't buy it.

Will’s apology was really well written and thoughtful..

The person who wrote it should get a raise.

On my first day at astronaut training, I vomited and asked the instructor, “Is this normal?”

He said, “Not during a written exam, no.”

What was written on the turkey’s gravestone?

Roast in peace

Britain should have written a break up note

"It's not EU, it's me"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

At last, someone's written a book about herb erotica...

It's about fucking thyme

Shortest joke ever written !

Dwarf shortage...

It must have been a real shock when people found out the Monty Python theme was originally written by someone from the United States

After all, nobody expects the American composition

Written above a urinal.

The jokes not here it's in your hand.

Book never written: "Disciplining Really Disobedient Kids"

...by A. S. Swooping

(written by my 13-year-old son) What do you call a pig with herpes?

A warthog.

Written jokes are bullocks

They’re basically text tickles

Ladies and Gentlemen of Reddit. I have written history.

History

Joke written by an AI

Disclaimer: The joke below was not created by me, or any human, but rather by an AI. I was curious to see if an AI could have a sense of humor.

A guy walks into a bar and sits down next to a very attractive woman. After an hour of conversation, the woman says to the man, "Thank you for buyin...

I've just written a song about tortillas,

actually, it’s more of a rap.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Barnyard antijokes, written by an AI

Q:
What's the difference between a horse and a duck?

A:
A horse has legs but a duck has feathers.

Q:
Why do elephants play hide-and-seek?

A: They don’t have to worry about winning.

Q:
How much is a cow worth?

Answer:
100 Pounds.

Q: ...

I've just written a book called "Fifty Shades of Gravy"

It's very saucy

Written on bathroom wall

Three things I hate:

1. Vandalism
2. Lists
3. Sarcasm

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I have a joke written on my penis

I’d show you but I don’t want you to laugh

A father finds a letter written by his son

A father passing by his son's bedroom was astonished to see the bed was nicely made and everything was picked up. Then, he saw an envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow. It was addressed, 'Dad'. With the worst premonition, he opened the envelope and read the letter, with trembling hands. ...

Why are written puns worse than puns spoken aloud?

Puns on paper are tearable.

I thought I’d finally written a non-denominational joke...

but when I told it to my priest, he said it didn’t make cents.

What is written on Steve Jobs tombstone?

iCame, iSaw, iConquered.

I saw a joke written on the side of a blimp

It went over my head.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Is BUTTCHEEKS written as one word ,

Or should l spread them apart.

I have a puzzle that has 3-6 years written on it

But it only took me 5 months to finish it

A Book Never Written

Do These Pickles Smell Funny?

By: Fardhina Jarr

I've written some jokes

But I gotta say the one about the kleptomaniac baker really takes the cake

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Book never written

"Treating diarrhea while in Mexico" by Willy Makeit and narrated by Betty Don't

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

It might be a repost and badly written but my dad just told this to me and I thought it was too good to not share

Patrick and Mick worked at a factory and one day Patrick cut his arm off in a sawmill so mick put the arm in a plastic bag and took him to the hospital.

The next day mick rings up the doctor to ask how Patrick's doing.

The doctor says "he's just exercising in rehab"

Shocked, mi...

What do you call music written by a guy about a girl?

A simphony

A random quote written in gents toilet

You future is in your hand

.

..

Imagine the quote written in ladies toilet

.

.

Do not play with your future....

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Where do recently deceased female dogs get written up in the newspaper?

The o-bitch-uaries

there are ten kinds of people

Those who understand binary jokes, and those who don't.

This must have been written before cell phones

Two guys were taking Chemistry at the University of Mississippi. They did pretty well on all of the quizzes and the midterms and labs, such that going into the final they had a solid "A". These two friends were so confident going into the final that the weekend before finals week (even though the ...

Nobody has written a novel about writing a novel.

It's a novel, novel novel idea.

Did you hear about the diss that was written in braille?

The guy really felt that

What do you call books written for cats?

Kitty Litter-ature.

What's written outside of Nike restrooms?

Just doodoo it.

Why are Donald Trump's letters so poorly written?

He can't do drafts because of bone spurs.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I've written a book about a young girl

who takes drugs and encounters all kinds of strange creatures talking in almost incomprehensible dialect. It ends up with her getting pregnant and becoming a single mother, living on a shitty estate and surviving off benefits.

It's called "Alice in Sunderland".

I finished a puzzle the other day. It had "3 to 5 years" written on the box.

It only took me two weeks.

A re-written joke from this sub

A guy in this late twenties is sitting at a bar alone, when he sees a woman sitting across the bar. She's attractive for her age, but she's probably around 60 the guy guesses.
He finds his mind wondering, thinking if she was 20 years younger she'd be an absolute dime. And as he is in this imagin...

I’ve written a theatre production called “Thesaurus.”

It’s a play on words

What time signature is most German music written in?

Nein four.

Donald Trump has written a lot of books

But they all ended with chapter 11

What do you call jokes written on paper?

Material.

Just written a depressing story about surprises

It’s a tale of WOAH!

This is a joke better spoken than written, but here goes anyway...

A guy walks into a bar with his dog. The bartender says, "We don't allow animals here. You're going to have to leave your dog outside." The guy replies, "No, you misunderstand. My dog can talk." Amused, the bartender tells the man that that's ridiculous and to leave his dog outside. The guy says, "F...

how do you know when a prescription is being written for bulimia?

when the directions for use say take one pill twice a day

The most beautiful piece of music ever written is a fart..

Air On A G String

Elon Musk is reported to have written a short joke on his Falcon Heavy rocket.

I guess the real joke is in the comets.

I've written a musical about a band of London pick-pockets set in modern times...

It's basically Oliver! with a twist.

This joke was originally written in Klingon; I hope I've got the translation right...

A new prisoner named Andy arrived at the prison. Andy had never been in prison before, so everything was new and strange.

Before long he met Bob, who sort of showed him around, introduced him to a few other prisoners, and helped him start to learn the ropes.

That evening, when t...

I’ve written a joke about Elton John

It’s a little bit funny

Why was Mickey Mouse so upset that Goofy's name was written in the snow?

It was done in Minnie's handwriting.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Someone's written an album about thermometers...

I've heard it's been nominated for a Mercury Prize.

Q: What's the shortest book ever written?

A: French War Heroes.

A woman wanted to know how her husband would react if she left him. She wrote him a letter saying she is tired of him and didn't want to live with him anymore. She put it on the table in the bedroom and then climbed under the bed to hide until her husband got home.

When he eventually came back home, he saw the letter on the table and read it. After a few moments of silence, he picked up the pen and added something to the letter. Then he started to get changed, whistling happy tunes and singing and dancing while he did so. He grabbed his phone and dialed a numb...

My wife demanded a divorce after seeing her name written in the snow with pee.

I didn't think she'd recognize her sister's handwriting.

For several years, a man was having an affair with an Italian woman. One night, she confided in him that she was pregnant. Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, he paid her a large sum of money if she would go to Italy to secretly have the child.

If She Stayed In Italy To Raise The Child, He Would Also Provide Child Support Until The Child Turned 18.
She agreed, but asked how he would know when the baby was born. To keep it discrete, he told her to simply mail him a post card, and write 'Spaghetti' on the back. He would then arrange for t...

Did you hear about the self-help book written by a turtle?

It was a New York Times' Best Sheller!

My girlfriend is treating our relationship like a written agreement.

This isn't what I signed up for.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A book never written: "When Your Dick Gets Almost Completely Severed"

Author: Peter Hanginoff

Bad, long, and written by Russian who doesn’t know English grammar

Old poor man is traveling on his old camel through the desert under intense heat

His camel had no opportunity to drink for too long, and so it is very tiered.

Then, a caravan of camels loaded with various goods, food and water and leaded by a strong young man catches up with an old m...

What do you call ad copy written by a communist?

Marxeting

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A priest and a rabbi are standing on the side of the road holding a sign that says, "TURN AROUND! THE END IS NIGH!!!"

A young man passing by in a car slows down and sticks his head out of the window to shout at them, "Get fucked, you religious freaks" and zooms ahead at full speed.

Moments later, they hear a yell followed by a loud splash.

The rabbi turns to the priest and says, "I told you we should ...

Man 1: This poem is so badly written. I don't even know what it says.

Man 2: That's the verse part of it!

I've written a joke about Royal Mail.

This should have been posted a long time ago.

A funny story written by some of my Chinese students, 10/11 years old. i hope it makes you laugh

The Foolish Farmer

A long time ago, there was a farmer who had never been to the city before. One day, he went to the supermarket in the city. He saw a rubber that was like a small car. He asked the seller, “Why is this car so small?”

The seller replied, “ Its not a c...

Jokes That don't work written down

There were 30 cows in a field, twenty ate sheep, how many didn't?

These need to be written.

Q: What do you call a pig with three eyes?
A: A piiig.

Q: What goes Oh, Oh, Oh?
A: Santa Claus walking backwards.

Thought I had written something clever until i started telling this one and no one got it.

I made a trip to the local dump yesterday and while I was there, I noticed that one of the employees was coughing and struggling to breathe, trying to heft a bag into a dumpster. So I went over to him and asked "excuse me sir, are you alright? Do you need a hand?" And he just replies "Nah I'm used t...

I've written a poem about the sounds made by dogs...

It can only be read if you scan it first.

It's a bark ode.

What would you call a poem written in the honour of a Mathematician?

dy/dx - 3x = 2

What's this?

An ODE (Ordinary Differential Equation)

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Three sisters were all getting married within a short time period...

...Mum was a bit worried about how their sex life would get started and made them all promise to send a postcard from the honeymoon with a few words on their first impressions of marital sex.

The first girl sent a card from Hawaii two days after the wedding.

The card said nothing but: ...

If Men are From Mars, Women are From Venus was written today...

The solar system would need more planets for the title.

My dad told me that colleges are cracking down on ghost-written essays...

I asked, “What about mummy-written essays?”

"Love me do" was written by John Lennon...

After he got a really nice haircut

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.