What do you call an apology written in dots and dashes?

Re-morse code.

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Is BUTTCHEEKS written as one word ,

Or should l spread them apart.

What is written on the tombstone of a LEGO minifigure?

RIP: Rest In Pieces

Why are Donald Trump's letters so poorly written?

He can't do drafts because of bone spurs.

Bad, long, and written by Russian who doesn’t know English grammar

Old poor man is traveling on his old camel through the desert under intense heat

His camel had no opportunity to drink for too long, and so it is very tiered.

Then, a caravan of camels loaded with various goods, food and water and leaded by a strong young man catches up with an old m...

Written on bathroom wall

Three things I hate:

1. Vandalism
2. Lists
3. Sarcasm

What can be written on both a gravestone and the White House?

"Here lies Donald"

One day, Mickey Mouse wakes up and found a graffiti on the snow written with pee outside his house.

The graffiti wrote "Mickey Sucks".

The police came, and they told Mickey that there's bad news and an even worse news.

The bad news is, the urine is from Goofy.

The worse news is, its Minnie's handwriting.

A Book Never Written

Do These Pickles Smell Funny?

By: Fardhina Jarr

Written above a urinal.

The jokes not here it's in your hand.

I have written a book about the benefits of suicide.

No reviews yet.

What would you call a poem written in the honour of a Mathematician?

dy/dx - 3x = 2

What's this?

An ODE (Ordinary Differential Equation)

What is written on Steve Jobs tombstone?

iCame, iSaw, iConquered.

I've written some jokes

But I gotta say the one about the kleptomaniac baker really takes the cake

I have just written a book on how to fall down a staircase.

It's a step by step guide.

Why can a written quote never be in a family movie?

Because it contains textual references

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I've written a book about a young girl

who takes drugs and encounters all kinds of strange creatures talking in almost incomprehensible dialect. It ends up with her getting pregnant and becoming a single mother, living on a shitty estate and surviving off benefits.

It's called "Alice in Sunderland".

I once went at a strip-tease club and entered a door with "women" written on it

Sadly there were only toilets

If Game of Thrones was written by M. Night Shyamalan, what would he have called the White Walkers?

Icy Dead People

I recently got a rulebook written by an artist I ordered on Amazon. The way they numerically list the rules is weird:

...,30, 31, 32, 33, 33A, 35, 36,...

A bullet may have a name written on it

But a grenade simply says "to whom it may concern"

This joke is better performed than written but I think y'all will enjoy it

How do you play catch with a kid with no arms or legs?

[Grunt and pretend you're trying to heave something heavy]

What was the title of the book written by the lobotomist?

Veggie tales

I should've known better than to sign a contract that was written on the side of a cereal box.

Turns out the thing was filled with loopholes

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A guy is madly in love with his GF (long)

A guy is madly in love with his girlfriend. He decides to tattoo her name, Wendy, on his penis. When it is not erected, all you can see is W and Y. The first and last letters of her name.

When the guy went to the public restrooms he saw this huge black guy using the urinal next to him. Curiou...

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Got written up for being moody at work today. They told me to leave my problems at the door...

That door is gonna need a shitload of therapy.

Nobody has written a novel about writing a novel.

It's a novel, novel novel idea.

What do you call the feverish spread of strongly worded arguments against very lame and badly functioning replacement arms that tell the future while composing strictly written limericks while moving from place to place?

A parapatetic pathetic prophetic pedantic poetic paretic prosthetic polemic pandemic.

Do you know why dark is written with "k" and not with "c"?

Because you can't see in the dark

A software developer claims to have written a condition that detects items larger than medium size.

Big if true.

I have written a song about tortillas.

Actually, it's more like a rap.

The caretaker of a generation ship was on his death bed

Many years before, Jacques had helped place all his friends and family into cryogenic sleep. He was a young man then and they all knew that he would likely be long dead by the time they reached their destination. They said their tearful goodbyes and drifted off to sleep.

In the years he spent...

Seen written on a stall in a men's bathroom:

"My wife follows me everywhere."
Written just below it:
"I do not"

I was trying to practice on my guitar by playing some rock and the homeowners association gave me a written warning for the loud noise

Guess paper beats rock again

My girlfriend is treating our relationship like a written agreement.

This isn't what I signed up for.

I'm reading a horror book written in braille.

Something bad is going to happen. I can feel it.

What do you call books written for cats?

Kitty Litter-ature.

My dad told me that colleges are cracking down on ghost-written essays...

I asked, “What about mummy-written essays?”

What time signature is most German music written in?

Nein four.

My wife demanded a divorce after seeing her name written in the snow with pee.

I didn't think she'd recognize her sister's handwriting.

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A book never written: "When Your Dick Gets Almost Completely Severed"

Author: Peter Hanginoff

When the mystery machine runs out of gas, who has to refill the tank?

Scooby-Doo!



I've been creating jokes for over 30 years. This is the first family-friendly joke I've ever written. Plz be gentle.

I believe I can Fly, Bump and Grind, and Ignition by R Kelly were all written in the same key

A minor

My friend is a doctor

Hope it is'nt a repost.

My friend is a gynaecologist.

So he had a patient who came for a pelvic examination.
Since he was a male doctor he didn't want it to be awkward so he tried
talking to the patient, he looked around and saw her sandals and on it, it
was written "made in...

What's written outside of Nike restrooms?

Just doodoo it.

I asked the blonde why she had TGIF written on her shoes even though it's Monday.

She replied, "Toes Go In First".

In a classroom...

The girl students were really upset and shouted together in class in unison for justice. The agahst teacher asked for a reason. They asked him to look at the blackboard in which was written in bold "**50% of girls don't have brains**", which the girls asserted was the job done by boys on purpose....

In my girlfriend's copy of 50 Shades of Grey I found a photo of me with the word "scumbag" written as a caption.

I guess I'm not in her good books.

I convinced my son if he didn't try to keep me cool during Summer he wouldn't be written into my will...

Apparently I'm now a bad father simply for wanting some heir conditioning.

A 300 page novel with a 50 page introductory essay written by the author walks into a bar.

The bartender asks, "Why the long preface?"

A maths professor was struggling to teach his student the first 10 numbers of pi.

So he started singing a song which was meant to teach people about the numbers of pi. The students were intrigued by this mesmerizing little poem, and by the end they had learned the first 10 digits of pi.

Next, the teacher asked each one to write down the first 10 digits onto a sheet of pape...

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At last, someone's written a book about herb erotica...

It's about fucking thyme

I’ve written a sitcom about a family who sell Islamic headdresses.

It’s called Bob’s Burqas.

The children were lined up in the cafeteria at a Catholic elementary school for lunch...

At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note and posted it on the apple tray: "Take only one.God is watching."Moving further along the lunch line,at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies. A child had written a note:"Take all you want. God i...

Saving a christian

Once I saw this guy on a bridge about to jump. I said, “Don’t do it!”

He said, “Nobody loves me.” I said, “God loves you. Do you believe in God?”

He said, “Yes.”

I said, “Are you a Christian or a Jew?”

He said, “A Christian.”

I said, “Me, too! Protestant or Catholi...

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Book never written

"Treating diarrhea while in Mexico" by Willy Makeit and narrated by Betty Don't

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There was a man who recently started dating an extremely attractive woman

Soon he found out that he was required to spend 3 weeks in Hong Kong for work. He thought to himself "Damn, I'm going for 3 weeks and knowing the needs of my girlfriend, I'm sure she'll cheat on me".

He decides to go to a sex shop so that he could buy something with which his girlfriend could...

This is a joke better spoken than written, but here goes anyway...

A guy walks into a bar with his dog. The bartender says, "We don't allow animals here. You're going to have to leave your dog outside." The guy replies, "No, you misunderstand. My dog can talk." Amused, the bartender tells the man that that's ridiculous and to leave his dog outside. The guy says, "F...

I just finished writing a book on cats

It would have been a lot easier if I had written it on paper though

Joke translated from Russian

I young writer asks his dad to help with the title for the first book he has written. Without reading the book, dad asks his son:

<Dad> Is there anything about drum?

<Son> No, there is nothing about drums..

<Dad> Anything about trumpets?

<Son> And ...

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Goldilocks and the three cars.

Goldilocks had grown into a fine young lady now, and so she decided to revisit the three bears, just to see how they were all doing.

As she wandered down the path, she ended up at their house, signed "The Three Bears".
She didn't see any sign of them around.

Typical.

Yet, so...

Pope Francis has written an autobiography

He titled it, "I, Papi"

A captain and a sailor are on a ship.

One day the sailor drinks a bit. The captain notes this down that the sailor was drunk. The sailor pleads him to add that he was drunk but it was only once in eight years or else he may lose his job. The captain declines this saying whatever he has written is the truth.
Next day it is the turn of...

Thought I had written something clever until i started telling this one and no one got it.

I made a trip to the local dump yesterday and while I was there, I noticed that one of the employees was coughing and struggling to breathe, trying to heft a bag into a dumpster. So I went over to him and asked "excuse me sir, are you alright? Do you need a hand?" And he just replies "Nah I'm used t...

Just written a depressing story about surprises

It’s a tale of WOAH!

The year 2192

The year is 2192. The British Prime Minister visits Brussels to ask for an extension of the Brexit deadline. He leaves a ceremonial letter. For reasons lost in time, this letter is always unsigned. Ceremonial garb includes a suit that looks like it was made for a someone of an entirely different si...

A man walks into a bar

The bartender says “What can I get you?”

The man says “Cheapest beer I can get.”

After many cheap beers, the man walks home, and stumbles into his house.

The man, in his drunken state, yells at his wife to get him another beer.

His wife, says that in his inebriated state,...

I’ve written a theatre production called “Thesaurus.”

It’s a play on words

Elon Musk is reported to have written a short joke on his Falcon Heavy rocket.

I guess the real joke is in the comets.

9 people go to a beach

A group of nine people went to a beach, they were confused to see the lifeguard wearing a weird, torn clothing which had the word "Time" written on it.


The nine people thought it was a good idea to jump into the water and swim. They played there for a while until it was evening, but sudd...

A large multinational company puts out an application for a secretary.

A golden retriever applies for the job, passes the written test and is scheduled for an interview. At the interview the interviewer asks, "Can you speak any foreign languages?"

And the golden retriever says, "Meow."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

There was this woman that would go jogging every day.

She’d jog the same exact distance, the same exact route, at the same time each and every day. One day she notices on the pavement below her, as she jogs by, it is written in chalk “WILL”. She doesn’t think anything of it, and continues. The next day, when she’s jogging, at the same exact spot on the...

I hear Kim Jung-Un has read every book ever written...

That's why they call him the Supreme Reader.

I've written a script for a film about an action hero who works in accounts.

The sequel going to be set in a different department.

This time it's personnel.

Went to the library to get a book co-written by Pavlov and Schroedinger.

Librarian said "it rings a bell but I'm not sure if we have it in or not"

[OC] A programmer walks into a coffee shop

A programmer walks into a coffee shop on his lunch break with his pet, a black Labrador. He comes in with a scowl on his face and a furrowed brow, his expression showing a frustrated yet pensieve look about him. He asks for a plain, black coffee.

The barista compassionately eyed the man fo...

What do you need in order to understand a joke about a criminal's written confession?

Context.

Stephen Hawking’s final theory, written just before he died, was released yesterday.

It's about time

I hate this show.

It’s so poorly written. They introduce so many new characters, it’s impossible to keep track. And it seems like some of them hardly do anything, they just hang around and say, like, five lines per episode.

What’s it called? Hang on, let me check.

“Presidential debate.”

What I want written on my tombstone:

"Not appreciating puns was a grave mistake"

The wrong language

I tried to explain to a client why I couldn’t help him with a project that was written in a program code that I didn’t know.

“Let’s say you’re asking me to write something in a specific language. Now, I’m fluent in English and Spanish, but your project is in Chinese. Since I don’t understand ...

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Salman Rushdie enjoyed the response to his book The Satanic Verses so much that he has written a sequel.

It will be called "Buddha, You Fat Fuck"

Things mothers said

THOMAS EDISON'S MOTHER:
"Of course I'm proud that you invented the electric light bulb. Now, turn it off and get to bed!"


ABRAHAM LINCOLN'S MOTHER:
"Again with the stovepipe hat? Can't you just wear a baseball cap like the other kids?"


ALBERT EINSTEIN'S MOTH...

Jesus is granted one final request before departure.

As Jesus prepares to be sent down to Earth, God says to him, "since you're going to be doing me a huge favor going down to there as a mortal, I'll grant you one request while you're down there."

Jesus mulls over the offer for a moment while examining his human body. When his eyes stroll over ...

What do you call ad copy written by a communist?

Marxeting

Zoology Test

A college student needed a small two-hour course to fill his schedule and the only one available was wildlife Zoology. So he joined in and after one week of study, a test was held. 

The professor passed out sheets of small
paper where in each square was a carefully drawn picture of a bird'...

I have a puzzle that has 3-6 years written on it

But it only took me 5 months to finish it

I’ve written a joke about Elton John

It’s a little bit funny

What would a book on BDSM culture written in alabama be called?

Fifty Shades of Hay.

I finished my coffee and noticed 6 letters written on the bottom of the mug.

I C U R M T

Books written by criminals are so hard to reference

Everytime you quote it, it's out of context

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Books Never Written

Hey guys, don't know if you're familiar with these kind of jokes, but they were my favorite growing up, so I thought I'd post a bunch of the here. They're pretty corny, but I hope you enjoy!

*Take A Breather* by Justin Hale

*How to Become Famous* by Anonymous

*Living Long* by Di...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

As a lawyer, whenever someone asks me the joke "why did the chicken cross the road," this is always my response.

As counsel for the chicken, I have advised my client to invoke its 5th Amendment right to remain silent. The chicken with neither confirm nor deny crossing the road, nor the existence of the road thereof. Your concept of ‘crossing’ and ‘road’ do not rise to criminal conduct in any jurisdictional cou...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Czech joke for you. (I think it is at least, it was written on page categorised as that)

A Russian soldier unit is flying to Chechnya and the Captain motivates soldiers: "Men, for every Chechen head you will get a bottle of vodka." The plane lands, the door breaks down, the soldiers scatter. In a few minutes they return and everyone has brought a couple of heads. The captain is all pale...

Britain should have written a break up note

"It's not EU, it's me"

After finally turning old enough, a life long train lover finally becomes a train conductor

He was so excited on his first day, he was ready to do the best he could. As he was conducting however, he accidentally got distracted and somehow made the train crash into an office and killed 7 people.

He had to go to court of course and the jury declared him as guilty and the judge gave h...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A good bar joke that always makes women laugh

Jack woke up with a huge hangover after attending his company's Christmas party. He didn't even remember how he got home from the party.

As bad as he as feeling, he wondered if he did something wrong.

Jack had to force himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he saw was couple of ...

Why is Dwarven music always so gloomy?

Everything is written in a miner key.

They’ve written a sequel to The Martian where a hundred rescuers attempt to rescue a stranded man on mars, only to fail.

It’s title.

101 Dull Martians

A man comes to a lawyer

A man comes to a lawyer and says:

- My friend, John, borrowed $500 from me and does not want to give. How can I get money back in court?

- Do you have any written confirmation that your friend borrowed money from you?

- No.

- Hmm, then write him a letter in which you wan...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A US Navy cruiser is anchored in Mississippi for a week's shore leave.

The first evening, the ship’s Captain received the following note from the wife of a very wealthy and influential plantation owner, who was also the sister of a highly respected Admiral:

“Dear Captain, Thursday will be my daughter Melinda’s Debutante Ball. I would like you to send four well-m...

I've written a poem about the sounds made by dogs...

It can only be read if you scan it first.

It's a bark ode.

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