a kindly but unsophisticated trash friend of mine appreciated a midlife introduction to marx, commenting "religion the opiate of the masses?...

'pretty sure opioids are a solid lock on the opiate of them masses."

If you were to write a direct, very short introduction for Microsoft Office's word processor, it might be a...

...forward four-word foreword for Word.

Why did the introduction and the conclusion break up?

They were just never on the same page...

Adding Insult to Introduction

Some Texans are mingling at the bar when an Oxford graduate walks in. “Howdy, stranger,” one Texan says. “Where are you from?”

The Oxford graduate answers, “I come from a place where we do not end our sentences in prepositions.”

“Oh, I’m sorry,” replies the Texan. “Where are you from, ...

The introduction of Yoga Pants have been found to be the cause of a 0.65 drop in the GPA of Males.

I dont have significant data to back this up, But i have some notes from college that show causation.

What is the best introduction you can think of for this punchline?

My friends and I are absolutely convinced that there is no possible way to create a funny joke out of this:

"And that's why they invented dry cleaners"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Professor of Logic

A guy sees his new neighbor out in his backyard, so he decides to get acquainted. After introductions, he asks the new neighbor what he does for a living.

The new neighbor says, "I'm a professor." The first neigbhbor then asks, "Oh yeah, what do you teach?"

"Logic," the professor repon...

I went to my first Fight Club meeting last night

Unfortunately I arrived 10 minutes late so I missed the introductions but I must say I had a fantastic time I'd recommend it to everyone.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man bought a horse whose previous owner had Tourette's [a campfire story--profanity warning]

Bear with me while I provide you with some more relevant details--the man first. His name was George. He was in the market for a fine horse, a quick horse, and one with stamina and perseverance. A horse to explore with.

The horse--The horse was absolutely ideal--he was young, he was fast, ...

A Carrot is hosting a party

A carrot is hosting a party.

The first to arrive is Carrot's friend Apple, but accompanying him is somebody Carrot does not know. They look just like Apple, but green instead, and so, carrots says, "Hello Apple, who might your friend be?".

The new fellow replies, "Hello, I am also Appl...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A beautiful prostitute attended a high profile function..

When it was time for introductions you could hear, I am Dr this and that, professor this or that, Barristers, engineers this and that.
When it was the turn of the prostitute, she calmly said she is a Civil Engineer.
Another curious engineer in the room got interested and asked her for area o...

Stop me if you've heard this one...

A high school decides to put on a reunion for the class of '98. Turnout is slow at first, but eventually the well known former students start to show up. There's student body president Leslie Pindogs and her kids, star quarterback Robert Course and his wife Molly, valedictorian Sandra Kevver and her...

A Student is in Engineering Class, when the Teacher asks What is a Machine?

Student 1: A machine is anything that reduces human effort

Teacher: Will you please elaborate?

Student 1: Anything that simplifies work, or saves time, is a machine

Teacher: What is the true definition?

Student 2: Sir, machines are any combination of bodies so connected t...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An american was invited to a conference in France as a speaker.

He was not speaking French at all but being a smart guy and wanting to impress the audience he learns by heart his entire speech in French.

When his moment come, he goes on the stage and realizes he completely forgot the introduction. So he looks around the room and notices the toilets in the...

Why is it so easy to write a eulogy?

You only need the introduction and the conclusion.

The body is already there.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Four nuns go to heaven

Four nuns, Sister Mary, Sister Catherine, Sister Theresa and Sister Constance were en route to deliver food to a poor mountain village when their bus slipped off the narrow road and fell down the mountain to their deaths. Naturally, the next moment they found themselves at the pearly gates where St....

Woops sorry about that

Marvin, was in the hospital on his death bed. The family called Marvin’s Preacher to be with him in his final moments. As the Preacher stood by the bed, Marvin’s condition seemed to deteriorate, and Marvin motioned for someone to quickly pass him a pen and paper. The Preacher quickly got a pen and p...

What's the best way to start an underwear presentation?

Start with a brief introduction.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Dating a virgin

One day as I was walking around in the mall, I crossed paths with a cute but very thick girl with a very pretty smile. I screwed up enough courage to smile at her and say hello. Apparently that was enough for her to take interest, and even though I wasn't that into her once the initial novelty wore ...

A man gets sent to prison

A man gets sent to prison and is promptly locked in his cell. Introductions are made with his cell mate and eventually lights out is called. After a few minutes, the man hears someone from a cell a few down from his yell, "84!" A few silent moments pass and all the prisoners in the cell block laugh ...

A man walks into a bar...

After a few beers he is in the middle of a conversation with the bartender, they start talking about penguins and the man brings up:
"I have never seen a penguin"
The bartender replies "what?! You have never seen a penguin?! Get out of my bar and never come back".
The bartender calls for se...

Canadian guy, American guy, ugly woman and gorgeous woman on a train.

A Canadian guy, American guy, a ugly woman and gorgeous woman are sitting in opposing seats on a train. After some initial introductions of where they're from and where they're going, they settle in to do their own thing and basically ignore each other.

Some time later, the train enters a tu...

Our two new mods, ElderCunningham and iBleeedorange

Hey guys,

Not too long ago we started advertising new moderator positions for /r/jokes, and after receiving a bunch of submissions, we found our two candidates.

I've asked them to write up a brief introduction for themselves.

First up is /u/iBleeedorange, who also mods /r/diablo...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A time traveler meets with an ancient Jewish Bibical author.

After a brief introduction, having convinced the scribe of his identity, the time-traveler launches into an excited speech:

"Rabbi, do you know that in the future, your writings will spawn off other religions that in turn would make most of the world's population adherents of the Abrahamic fa...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A talented but unemployed jazz pianist.

A talented but unemployed jazz pianist/composer was walking down Second Avenue in New York contemplating his sad life when he sees a sign in a restaurant window that says "Jazz pianist wanted, full time position." Elated at his good fortune he goes inside to apply for the job.

He meets the ma...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An alien spaceship lands in a married couple's backyard...

The couple goes out to greet them. After introductions and typical small talk, they discover that these aliens are galactic swingers, and they were looking to do a little swapping.

The couple decided that, since they were representing all of humanity, they would play along.

The wif...

OCD Bartender

A husband and wife walk into the cleanest bar you've ever seen. It is their monthly date night and they are dressed to impress! The first thing they notice walking through the doors is a sparkle emitting from the glasses across the establishment. They look around and notice pictures on the wall line...

"The Frogs in Prague Defy Catalog"

According to a research team at Charles University in Prague, the local amphibians have very peculiar migratory habits. In recent years, a new sub-species have been identified which is not native to the area around the Czech capitol. The research has been carried out with the help of many students a...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Airplane open mic.

Airline pilot is going through his preflight introduction to the passengers.
"I'm Captain Wilson. We will be flying at 30,000 feet and should be in Denver in about 2 hours. Please relax and enjoy your flight."
After he is finished, thinking he has turned off the microphone, leans over to t...

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