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an Andorran, an Angolan, an Antiguans, an Argentine, an Armenian....

an Australian, an Austrian, an Azerbaijani, a Bahamian, a Bahraini, a Bangladeshi, a Barbadian, a Barbudans, a Batswanan, a Belarusian, a Belgian, a Belizean, a Beninese, a Bhutanese, a Bolivian, a Bosnian, a Brazilian, a Brit, a Bruneian, a Bulgarian, a Burkinabe, a Burmese, a Burundian, a Cambodia...

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An old Jewish man was finally allowed to leave the Soviet Union, to emigrate to Israel.

When he was searched at the Moscow airport, the customs official found a bust of Lenin.

Customs: What is that?

Old man: What is that? What is that?! Don't say "What is that?" say "Who is that?" That is Lenin! The genius who thought up this worker's paradise!

The official laughed...

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A Jewish man sends his son to Israel to live there for a while . . .

A Jewish man sends his son to Israel to live there for a while. Eventually he returns home and he is now a Christian. The man finds this to be odd and mentions it to his friend.

The friend listens, thinks for a moment and says, "That's odd. I sent my son to Israel as a Jew and he returned as ...

An elderly couple were on vacation in Israel

While they were there the wife suddenly dies of a heart attack.

A local mortitian explains the husband that it would cost him 100$ to bury her in Israel but it would cost him 3.000$ to have her transported to America tp have her buried at home.

The husband thinks about it for a while a...

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A CNN reporter, a BBC reporter, and an Israeli commando are captured by ISIS in Syria.

The leader of the terrorists told them that he would grant them each one last request before they were beheaded.

The CNN Reporter said, "Well, I’m an American, so I’d like one last hamburger with French fries.”

The leader nodded to an underling who left and returned with the burger &am...

What would Israel be called if it ever gets conquered?

Wasrael

Back in the days of the Soviet Union, a Jewish man living in Moscow applies to move to Israel.

At 3:00 AM there’s banging on his door. It’s the KGB.

“You! Jew! You applied to move to Israel?” He nods.

“Here in Russia, don’t you have food to eat?”
 

“Yeah, I can’t complain.”
 

“And here in Russia, don’t you have place to live?”
&nbsp;<...

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UN embassy, Ambassador of Israel speaks:

- I want to start my speech with an excursion into history. Long ago, Moses led the Jews through the desert. It was hot, People were thirsty. Then Moses hit the staff on the ground, and a lake appeared.

 The jews drinked, and than Moses took off his clothes and went swimming. When he came out...

A Jewish businessman in America decided to send his son to Israel..

...to absorb some of the culture of the homeland. When the son returned, the father asked him to tell him about his trip.

The son said, "Pop, I had a great time in Israel. By the way, I converted to Christianity."

"Oy vey," said the father. "What have I done?"

He decided to go a...

A man goes on vacation to Israel with his wife and his stepmother.

While in Israel, his stepmother died at the hotel.

The people there told him:

"Sir, if you want to bury her back in the United States, it's going to cost you $5,000 to bring back her corpse. But since she died at the hotel, we can do the funeral here in Israel for free.

The ma...

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A Jewish man on the subway is reading an Arab newspaper

A friend of his, who happened to be riding in the same subway car, noticed this strange phenomenon. Very upset, he approached him. "Moshe, have you lost your mind? Why are you reading an Arab newspaper?" Moshe replied, "I used to read the Jewish newspaper, but what did I find? Jews being persecuted,...

Two Israelis are sitting on the beach in Tel Aviv, reading.

One has got a quality newspaper, the other an antisemitic rag. "Why on earth are you reading that?" one asks. "I used to read a quality paper like you," the other sighs, "but I couldn't handle it any more – the rockets from Gaza and Hezbollah getting stronger every day and the Iranian nuclear progra...

A Student in Israel

David, an American student went to Israel for a semester to study abroad at the Hebrew University of Jerusalem. As part of his program he was placed with a host family for housing. An elderly gentleman named Joshua Levin welcomed him into the large home with many rooms.

As Joshua gave a tour ...

What do you call someone from Israel that has to sneeze?

A Jew

President Trump is in Israel for the Mideast Summit. He gets ill and dies...

President Trump is in Israel for the Mideast Summit. He gets ill and dies.

The local officials tell his aides that they could return the body to America but to honor the President they offer to bury him there in the Holy Land.

The aides confer and tell the official that they will take ...

A Texas rancher was visiting a farmer in Israel.

A Texas rancher was visiting a farmer in Israel. The proud Israeli showed him around. "Here is where I grow tomatoes, cucumbers, and squash. Over there I built a play set for my kids, next to the doghouse," the farmer said.

The land was tiny, and the Texan was surprised by its small size. "Is...

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A Soviet Jew finally got an exit visa to Israel.

He packs his stuff and one of the things he takes with him is a giant painting of the General Secretary.

At the border, the Soviet customs officer asks him: "Why would you take such a painting with you to Israel"?

The Jew answers: "If I get homesick in Israel, I just take at the pain...

I was in a small city in Israel...

and I met this gorgeous woman. Truly beautiful. We had a crazy night of drinking, and passion, and maybe even love, but she was gone in the morning, and I had to go back home. I couldn't even remember her name, only the translation she'd given me into English. "A length of time." It was a dumb thing...

There's a cheese manufacturer in Israel

It's called 'cheeses of Nazareth'

Donald Trump dies in Israel

After too much effort during a state visit in Israel, Trump collapses of a heart attack. The Israeli officials take the body and tell the Americans : " There's two options."

" The first one, you pay $5,000,000 and we send the body back to the United States so he can be buried there. "
...

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Well, funny story...

FOREWARNING: While the joke might seem antisemitic at first, it's not really. Read it all.

A jew has a son, and when he's 18 he asks him to go to Israel for a year. His son returns after a year, and claims he's no longer jewish. He's christian now.

The jew goes to his best friend (also...

I set up a summer school in Israel for kids with ADHD ...

But apparently my name for it, Jewish Concentration Camp won’t work.

Why does being a waiter in Israel suck?

None of the men have any tips to speak of

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Israeli tourist

An Israeli tourist is visiting New York and hires a cab to drive him around the city. He engages the driver in small talk to get better acquainted.

"Where are you from?" he asks.

"I'm from Palestine" replies the cab driver, "and you?"

"I'm from Narnia."

"Bullshit, that p...

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On his recent trip to Israel, Pope Francis went to Mount Olive.

When he found out, Popeye was pissed and kicked his ass.

The Geography of a Woman

The Geography of a Woman

Between 18 and 22, a woman is like Africa . Half discovered, half wild, fertile and naturally Beautiful!

Between 23 and 30, a woman is like Europe. Well developed and open to trade, especially for someone of real value.

Between 31 and 35, a woman is li...

How does Moses make his tea?

Hebrews it.

I'm serious! That Israeli how he does it!

I tried to open a record/ DJ shop in Israel.

I probably shouldn’t have named it Vinyl Solution.

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A man went to Israel with his wife...

This guy i heard of went to Israel with his wife, and when they got there, she had a rare illness and she died. So now, this guy's stuck here in a foreign land with a dead wife, and to bring her back home and bury her, the guy needed $15k. He was telling some of the locals that he was too poor to af...

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A Jew is being held in prison in the Soviet Union for trying to emigrate to Israel

The Jew was studying Hebrew in his cell when the guard sneered at him, "Why are you wasting your time studying that language? You know you'll die here."

The Jew replied, "It is said that Hebrew is the language spoken in Heaven."

The Guard asked, "What if you go to hell?"

To whic...

What's the slogan for Burger King in Israel?

Have it Yahweh

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A Jewish man Sent his son on a trip to Israel

When his son returned, it was brought up that, while on the trip, he had converted to Christianity. Distraught, the Jewish man went to a close friend of his and explained the situation.

The other man replied, "Well that's strange, I too sent my son to Israel a Jew, and he too came back a Chr...

I’m really worried about Jerusalem being recognised as the capital of Israel.

Who’s going to Tel Aviv?

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I'm not antisemitic but...

I believe Israel is controlled by the Jews.

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A news reporter goes to see a Jewish man who has been going to the western wall in Israel to pray once a day for 70 years

the reporter goes up to him and says, "hello I"m a reporter for the BBC and we know you"re quite famous around this wall so we were wondering if we could ask you a few questions." The man agrees and she asks, "so we were wondering; what have you actually been praying for all of these years?"The man ...

Donald Trump was on a fact finding visit to Israel

When he suffered a heart attack and died. The undertaker tells the American diplomats accompanying him that he can have his body transported back to the USA for a fee of $50,000 or they can bury him in the holy land for Just $100.

The diplomats go into a corner and discuss for a few minutes, ...

Who provides tech support for Israel?

RabbIT

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A joke from Israel

One guy is driving his car in Tel-Aviv, looking for a parking spot. It's a busy day, and there's absolutely nothing available. So he starts praying to God. "Please, God, I need a parking space. Help me. I promise to go to the temple every Saturday, I promise to fast on Yom-Kippur, I will give money ...

A husband and wife of many years travels to Israel.. [Long]

The wife is an extreme nagger that cannot stop nagging all through out their trip until suddenly she dies of a heart attack. The government official that assists the grieving husband says to him, "It will cost you about $5000 to transport your wife's remains back to the US, while it will cost you on...

How do you start a rave in Israel?

You stick a quarter to the ceiling

What's the national drink of Israel?

Mountain Jew.

Benjamin Netanyahu, the prime minister of Israel, Narendra Modi, the prime minister of India, and Donald Trump from America, are driving together to a conference...

...when their car breaks down and they are forced to spend the night at a small motel.

”I’m sorry,” says the clerk, ”but we have only one room left and it’s a double. But one of you can
sleep in the barn. We will make it comfortable.”

”No problem,” says Narendra Modi, ”I will sleep ...

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A customs agent stopped Sam, an elderly Jewish man who had just immigrated to Israel and asked him to open his two suitcases.

In the first suitcase, the agent found over 1 million pounds in £10 notes. "Excuse me, sir" he asked Sam, "where did you get all this money?"
"Vell, I'll tell you," Sam began, "I love Israel. For many years I travelled all around the world and stopped off at all of the public toilets in all the ...

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A Jewish man owns a craft shop

The local tailor, a known racist and anti-Semite, goes into his shop and says "Oi, I want some yellow yarn, deliver it to my shop tomorrow at nine exactly."

The Jewish shop owner is loathe to serve this man, but knowing it's where almost a quarter of his profits come from, he has little choic...

An Israeli is going through passport control at JFK...

The immigration officer asks: “Occupation?” The Israeli says: “No. I’m just visiting."

A Jewish man has a son...

...and he is very disappointed in his son's lack of interest in their faith. So he decides to send his son to Israel to learn a thing or two about Judaism.

When the son returns, the father asks "did you have a good trip?"

"So great, Dad. I learned so much, saw some great historical la...

A different kind of Jewish joke

A man, visibly distracted and upset, walks toward his synagogue and finds the rabbi on the front steps.
"Rabbi, rabbi, it's my son!"
"What is wrong, Joseph, what has happened to your son?"
"Well, rabbi, he just came back from his Birthright trip to Israel, and he tells me that he's now a Ch...

Trump's in Saudi Arabia, Israel...

... and the Vatican this week, cradles of USA's 3 great religions:

Christianity, Judaism, and Oil.

Did you hear about the guy who opened a cheese store in Israel?

He called it "Cheeses of Nazareth".

A man is travelling with his wife and mother-in-law in Israel

Sadly, the mother-in-law passes away as they reach their destination. The wife is struck by grief, and so the man takes it upon himself to arrange the funeral. The wife silently hopes that they can bring the remains back to their home-country, but leaves everything in the hands of the husband.
<...

A Jewish businessman sent his son to Israel for a year...

...so he could know a bit more about their culture. When he came back home, the son said:

'Dad, Israel was great! Oh and by the way, I became Christian.'

'Oh no!' said the father. 'What have I done?'

The father then went to hang out with his best friend and told him about his mi...

If Israel gets wiped off the map...

Then we'll have to start calling it Wasrael

Why does Google like Israel?

Because Israel's leader is Not In Yahoo.

What is Israel's favorite email server?

Netan-yahoo

How the Internet started according to the bible.

In ancient Israel, it came to pass that a trader by the name of Abraham Com did take unto himself a healthy young wife by the name of Dorothy. And Dot Com was a comely woman, large of breast, broad of shoulder and long of leg. Indeed, she was often called Amazon Dot Com.

And she said unto...

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What do you call Israel's soldiers?

G.I. Jews

A Jewish military man from Israel told me this joke.

Deep in the desert. Mehmet, an Arab fighter (or militant, if you will) chases an Israeli soldier, let's call him Moshe, with an AK47 gun.

Mehmet closes on Moshe and starts firing at him but misses. The chase continues through the desert, there's quite a lot of firing from Mehmet and quite a l...

USA has 9/11, France has 11/13, and Israel has?

24/7

What type of lights were on Noah's Ark?

You'd think it would be floodlights, but in reality it was the Israelites!

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Israel has started it's own space program.

The kosher rocket was launched with the brave astronauts onboard. With the groundbreaking tech, they flew extremely fast, passing planets, stars, occasionally some nebulae... They got so far in fact that they reached antimatter masses, but they kept flying. Then, they spotted an antiplanet. 'Let's l...

An old couple are vacationing in Israel...

The wife dies quietly in her sleep, the next day the man goes to the grave digger to make the necessary arrangements.

The grave digger says "I can bury her here for $500 or have her shipped back home with you for $1000."

The man briefly considers his options and opts for her to be ship...

Have you heard about the new car from Israel?

Not only does it stop on the dime, but it picks it up too!

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A Yugoslavian jew moves to israel

After ww2 most of the (still alive) yugoslavian jews moved to Israel.

Shlomo shekelowitz decides to stay in yugoslavia just to test the new socialist regime.

After a year he moves to israel.

One of his old friends sees him and asks

SCHLOMO! Long time we did not see each o...

What do the World Wide Web and the Prime Minister of Israel have in common?

They are both Net and Yahoo.

What is Israel's favorite martial art?

Jew-Jitsu

Why did Israel's military refuse to buy the 3D image projector?

Because of how much the holo cost.

Donald Trump has cancelled a planned trip to Israel.

When asked why, Trump said, "They already have a wall and fear of Muslims. My work there is done."

I read this joke in a book of Jewish humor some years ago.

An elderly Jewish woman was about to board an El Al flight from JFK to Tel Aviv, carrying her little lap dog in a cage, covered by a blanket. The gate agent informed her that there was no way she could carry the dog aboard the plane, but assured her the dog would be perfectly safe in the luggage co...

After Israel threatened to take the Security Council vote as an act of war, the New Zealand Ambassador called Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu....

...Picking up the phone, he spoke "Hebrew."

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Going to Hell for this one

Hitler and Mussolini came back from the dead and were sitting in a bar in TX, because why not? This drunk redneck hears them making plans of picking up where they left off.

He hears Hitler say, "So the plan is to round up all the Jews in Hollywood, DC, and Israel; get them all together along...

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A Jew runs over to the hospital

He has heard that his friend Raymond is in there, but doesn't know why. As soon as he finds his room in the hopsital, he goes to the doctor and asks,

Israel?

What's the most popular form of martial arts in Israel?

Jew-jitsu

The North/South Korea conflict reminded me of an old joke set in Israel

Two old Israeli men are having lunch together, talking about this and that, politics and their jobs, and the conversation leads to them talking about the state of Israel.

"I'm telling you, Moskowitz, there's an easy solution to all the problems Israel has."

"I'm sure if there was one, ...

What's the most popular search engine in Israel?

They surf the Net On Yahoo.

In Israel, we just want peace.

A piece of Jordan, a piece of Egypt, a piece of Lebanon...

A Texan Visits Israel

A Texan visits Israel for vacation and spends several weeks travelling around to see the different sites. One day, while making his way through the countryside to a destination, he realizes he is quite thirsty and stops at a small farm to request a drink. The owner of the farm is quite friendly and ...

A Rabbi investigated an alien race

On the first expedition to Mars, humans find an alien race called Trids.

Wanting to observe this newfound race, each nation sends a human as their representative to Mars to join their society.

Israel decided to send a prominent Rabbi to the Trids. When he arrives he immediately starts ...

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A man marries a Jewish woman, and for their honeymoon they go to Israel. The mother-in-law insists that she come along.

Reluctantly, the couple allows her along the trip. After only two days, the mother-in-law has a heart attack and dies.

The daughter is so distraught that the husband is left to make all the funeral arrangements by himself. He's sitting in the undertaker's office when he walks back in.
...

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What's the difference between Bill Clinton and Israel?

Hillary won't suck Bill's dick.

Sean Connery has been scouring Israel for ancient musical instruments.

When asked about his progress, he replied, "I've only found one shofar."

Volkswagen announces it will open a facility in Israel to make a new advanced vehicle...

The new models are are so advanced not only will they stop on a dime, they'll actually pick it up.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A CNN reporter is in Israel

She see's a man praying by the Wailing Wall. She walks up to the man and begins interviewing him.

"Sir, how long have you been praying here"

Looking at his watch, the man replies, "I have been praying here for 60 years, 3 months, 17 days, and 3 hours"

"Sir, what have you been pr...

What do they call American Liberty in Israel?

A valid target.

An Arab is lost in the desert, dying of thirst

As his eyesight begins to fade and he collapses into the ground, his fingers come across a stoppered flask in the sand. Hoping for water, he pops it open, only to see a swirl of smoke issued forth, coalescing into a giant figure.

"My deliverer!" booms the figure. "I am a long imprisoned Djinn...