A Jewish man decides his son isn't religious enough, so he pays for him to go visit Israel...

When his son comes back, however, he says he's now a Christian.

Exasperated, the man goes to his friend for advice, but his friend says, "that's funny, I sent my son to Israel last year and when he came back, he also said he was Christian."

The two men decide to speak to their rabbi ab...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Menachem Begin (the sixth Prime Minister of Israel) walks into a bar,

and to his amazement just down the end, talking to the bar-tender is no one but Adolf Hitler himself. Well Begin thought to himself, this is my chance to find out what makes this guy tick.

So he goes up to him and says, “Hitler, what the hell you doing here?”

Hitler looks over at Mena...

A man and his wife went on a vacation to Israel,

and while walking to their hotel after a long day, the wife got hit by a car. Dead on the spot. The local churches' priest offers to bury her in the churches' cemetery rather than taking her body back on the plane and burying her at home. The man however, politely declines and says, "I'd rather bury...

Donald Trump visits Israel for information.

During a trip through Jerusalem, he suffers a heart attack and dies. The undertaker tells the American diplomats accompanying him:

"You can have him sent home for $ 50,000, or buried here in the Holy Land for just $ 100."The American diplomats go into a corner to discuss for a few minutes. Th...

A man goes on vacation to Israel with his wife and his stepmother.

While in Israel, his stepmother died at the hotel.

The people there told him:

"Sir, if you want to bury her back in the United States, it's going to cost you $5,000 to bring back her corpse. But since she died at the hotel, we can do the funeral here in Israel for free.

The ma...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An old Jewish man was finally allowed to emigrate to Israel from the Soviet Union.

When he was searched at the Moscow airport, the customs official found a bust of Lenin.

Customs: What is that?

Old man: What is that? What is that?! Don't say "What is that?" say "Who is that?" That is Lenin! The genius who thought up this worker's paradise!

The official chuckle...

What do you say when you meet someone in israel?

“Israeli nice to meet you”

Robert Mugabe, an unpopular dictator from an African nation, visited Israel with his top government officials.

Unfortunately, he died during the visit. The Israelis offered to bury him in Israel for free, explaining that it will save money that can be used to help the poor people of his country. His entourage discussed the proposition and declined the offer saying that they'd rather bring back the remains of...

Trump goes to Israel

and while praying at the wailing wall, suffers a massive heart attack and dies. The Israeli diplomat says they can bury him in the Holy Land for 100 bucks or embalm him and ship him back for 50k. The American diplomat opts for the 50k option. The Israeli asks “why take the most expensive solution...

Why do schizophrenic foreigners always get confused with the Israel-Palestine conflict?

Because they never know what is real and what is not.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What is the national martial art of Israel?

Jew jitsu

Ezra, a devout Jew, sent his son to Israel to learn about the culture.

When Ezra's son came back, he told his father, "I had a great time in Israel. I even converted to Christianity!"

Ezra was so shocked that he decided to tell his next door neighbour, Levi, also a devout Jew.

"Funny you should mention this," said Levi. "I too sent my son to Israel and he...

Why are circumcisions cheap in Israel?

Because rabbis work for tips.

Part Jewish here 🇮🇱

A Jewish father decided to sent his son to Israel and this happened.

A Jewish father sent his son to Israel for a year to absorb the culture.
When the son returned, he said, “Papa, I had a great time in Israel. By the way, I converted to Christianity.”


“What have I done!” said the father,


He took his problem to his best friend Joseph a...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Jewish man sends his son to Israel to live there for a while . . .

A Jewish man sends his son to Israel to live there for a while. Eventually he returns home and he is now a Christian. The man finds this to be odd and mentions it to his friend.

The friend listens, thinks for a moment and says, "That's odd. I sent my son to Israel as a Jew and he returned a...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Israel Health minister who previously claimed that CORONA Virus is “divine punishment against homosexuality.”

Has tested positive for the virus!!!

Did you hear about the Middle Eastern fight?

Some call it fake, but I think the fight Israel.

All my friends, family and psychiatrists tell me my fear of Jewish people is irrational and provably false

But i assure you, my fear israel

Back in the days of the Soviet Union, a Jewish man living in Moscow applies to move to Israel.

At 3:00 AM there’s banging on his door. It’s the KGB.

“You! Jew! You applied to move to Israel?” He nods.

“Here in Russia, don’t you have food to eat?”
 

“Yeah, I can’t complain.”
 

“And here in Russia, don’t you have place to live?”
&nbsp;<...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Flight to Israel...

A woman wants to take her dog to Israel, so she goes to the travel agent to find out how. He says, "It's easy. You go to the airline, they give you a kennel, you put your dog in it, when you get off at Tel Aviv go to the luggage rack, and there's your dog.”

So she does, gets off at Tel Aviv,...

What is it called when you talk about the original sin in Israel?

You tell of Eve

I bought some new brake pads imported from Israel

My car can now stop on a dime

Israel is not real.

Instead, it is rael.

KGB agent goes to a library and sees an old jewish man reading a book...

"What are you reading, old man?" he asks.

"I'm learning hebrew, comrade." replies the old jew.

KGB agent doesn't understand: "What are you learning hebrew for? You know it takes years to get a permission to travel to Israel? You will die before you get one."

"I'm learning hebrew...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An American Jew immigrates to Israel

He moves into a high-rise apartment in Tel Aviv and gets an office job. After a few days, he starts to feel like he's missing out on all the colour of being in the Middle East, so he goes and buys a camel. Each day he rides the camel to work, while Israelis whiz past him on the highway in their cars...

A married couple touring Israel sat outside at a Bethlehem sidewalk cafe, waiting for their friends. A peddler approached them, his arm loaded with belts.

After an impassioned sales plea yielded nothing, he asked where they were from. “America,” the husband replied.

Looking at her dark hair and olive skin, the Arab responded, “She’s not from the States.” “Yes, I am,” said the wife. He pointed to her husband and asked her, “Is he your husband?” ...

I want to go to Israel, get stoned and fûck a Jewish girl. After that I'll fûck a Palestinian girl..

..... and she'll get stoned.

What would Israel be called if it ever gets conquered?

Wasrael

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why don't Jews celebrate December 25th?

They don't believe Santa Claus Israel

Israel’s lunar lander was going well...

Until Hebrew up.

God is travelling around the world to spread his religon

He gets to India and asks the public, 'Will you take my commandments to be yours?' The public says no and decides to try elsewhere.

He gets to China and asks, 'Will you follow my commandments?' And the public replies no.

He gets to Israel and asks, 'Will you take my commandments?' The ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

UN embassy, Ambassador of Israel speaks:

- I want to start my speech with an excursion into history. Long ago, Moses led the Jews through the desert. It was hot, People were thirsty. Then Moses hit the staff on the ground, and a lake appeared.

 The jews drinked, and than Moses took off his clothes and went swimming. When he came out...

Hello, God?

In an effort to combat religious bigotry, the leaders of the world's largest religions decided to show solidarity by organizing a world tour, where they would all visit each other in their respective seats of power.

The first stop on the tour was the Vatican where the Pope welcomed the group ...

An elderly couple were on vacation in Israel

While they were there the wife suddenly dies of a heart attack.

A local mortitian explains the husband that it would cost him 100$ to bury her in Israel but it would cost him 3.000$ to have her transported to America tp have her buried at home.

The husband thinks about it for a while a...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Jew is being held in prison in the Soviet Union for trying to emigrate to Israel

The Jew was studying Hebrew in his cell when the guard sneered at him, "Why are you wasting your time studying that language? You know you'll die here."

The Jew replied, "It is said that Hebrew is the language spoken in Heaven."

The Guard asked, "What if you go to hell?"

To whic...

A husband and wife of many years travels to Israel.. [Long]

The wife is an extreme nagger that cannot stop nagging all through out their trip until suddenly she dies of a heart attack. The government official that assists the grieving husband says to him, "It will cost you about $5000 to transport your wife's remains back to the US, while it will cost you on...

President Trump is in Israel for the Mideast Summit. He gets ill and dies...

President Trump is in Israel for the Mideast Summit. He gets ill and dies.

The local officials tell his aides that they could return the body to America but to honor the President they offer to bury him there in the Holy Land.

The aides confer and tell the official that they will take ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Jewish guy is walking out of the synagogue...

A Jewish guy [David] is walking out of the synagogue when he sees his friend Shmuley reading the paper just outside.

As he gets closer he sees he's reading a Neo-Nazi newspaper. In anger, he slaps the paper out of Shmuley's hands and starts screaming.

**David:** "What are you Meshugena...

There's a cheese manufacturer in Israel

It's called 'cheeses of Nazareth'

I was in a small city in Israel...

and I met this gorgeous woman. Truly beautiful. We had a crazy night of drinking, and passion, and maybe even love, but she was gone in the morning, and I had to go back home. I couldn't even remember her name, only the translation she'd given me into English. "A length of time." It was a dumb thing...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Jewish man Sent his son on a trip to Israel

When his son returned, it was brought up that, while on the trip, he had converted to Christianity. Distraught, the Jewish man went to a close friend of his and explained the situation.

The other man replied, "Well that's strange, I too sent my son to Israel a Jew, and he too came back a Chr...

What do you call someone from Israel that has to sneeze?

A Jew

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My son thinks the land of the Jews is fake.

I told him it Israel.

A Jewish Man Sends His Son Away

He sends him on a pilgrimage to Israel. Three months pass and the man is confused when his son is not wearing a Yamakah. The son informs the man that he has converted to Christianity.

Dumbfounded, the man goes to his friend (also Jewish) and tells him of his son. His friend replies, "How inte...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Jewish man rubs a lamp. POOF: Genie. “You get one wish.”

Jewish man pulls out a map from his back pocket and points at Israel and Palestine. “See these two countries? I wish for peace here.”
Genie: “Can’t be done. You have another wish?”
Jewish man: “Sure. Before I die, I want my wife to give me one last blowjob.”
Genie: “Can I see th...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Jewish man on the subway is reading an Arab newspaper

A friend of his, who happened to be riding in the same subway car, noticed this strange phenomenon. Very upset, he approached him. "Moshe, have you lost your mind? Why are you reading an Arab newspaper?" Moshe replied, "I used to read the Jewish newspaper, but what did I find? Jews being persecuted,...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two Israeli men were sitting beside each other. One notices that the other is reading Palestinian propaganda.

He says, "why are you reading that bullshit? The Palestinians want us dead!"

The other says, "well, the Israeli newspapers say "Israel is doomed, the Jews are hated, we're oppressed", but this says "The Jews run the world, Israel runs our governments, the Israelis are taking over"... I like t...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A CNN reporter, a BBC reporter, and an Israeli commando are captured by ISIS in Syria.

The leader of the terrorists told them that he would grant them each one last request before they were beheaded.

The CNN Reporter said, "Well, I’m an American, so I’d like one last hamburger with French fries.”

The leader nodded to an underling who left and returned with the burger &am...

For Palestinians living on the West Bank...

the struggle Israel

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Soviet Jew finally got an exit visa to Israel.

He packs his stuff and one of the things he takes with him is a giant painting of the General Secretary.

At the border, the Soviet customs officer asks him: "Why would you take such a painting with you to Israel"?

The Jew answers: "If I get homesick in Israel, I just take at the pain...

Why does being a waiter in Israel suck?

None of the men have any tips to speak of

Did you hear about the guy who opened a cheese store in Israel?

He called it "Cheeses of Nazareth".

How do you start a rave in Israel?

You stick a quarter to the ceiling

If Israel gets wiped off the map...

Then we'll have to start calling it Wasrael

A man is travelling with his wife and mother-in-law in Israel

Sadly, the mother-in-law passes away as they reach their destination. The wife is struck by grief, and so the man takes it upon himself to arrange the funeral. The wife silently hopes that they can bring the remains back to their home-country, but leaves everything in the hands of the husband.
<...

I saw my friends Israeli passport recently.

Under occupation it just said Palestine.

A Jewish businessman sent his son to Israel for a year...

...so he could know a bit more about their culture. When he came back home, the son said:

'Dad, Israel was great! Oh and by the way, I became Christian.'

'Oh no!' said the father. 'What have I done?'

The father then went to hang out with his best friend and told him about his mi...

I tried to open a record/ DJ shop in Israel.

I probably shouldn’t have named it Vinyl Solution.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A customs agent stopped Sam, an elderly Jewish man who had just immigrated to Israel and asked him to open his two suitcases.

In the first suitcase, the agent found over 1 million pounds in £10 notes. "Excuse me, sir" he asked Sam, "where did you get all this money?"
"Vell, I'll tell you," Sam began, "I love Israel. For many years I travelled all around the world and stopped off at all of the public toilets in all the ...

What's the slogan for Burger King in Israel?

Have it Yahweh

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A joke from Israel

One guy is driving his car in Tel-Aviv, looking for a parking spot. It's a busy day, and there's absolutely nothing available. So he starts praying to God. "Please, God, I need a parking space. Help me. I promise to go to the temple every Saturday, I promise to fast on Yom-Kippur, I will give money ...

The Geography of a Woman

The Geography of a Woman

Between 18 and 22, a woman is like Africa . Half discovered, half wild, fertile and naturally Beautiful!

Between 23 and 30, a woman is like Europe. Well developed and open to trade, especially for someone of real value.

Between 31 and 35, a woman is li...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

On his recent trip to Israel, Pope Francis went to Mount Olive.

When he found out, Popeye was pissed and kicked his ass.

A Texas rancher was visiting a farmer in Israel...

A Texas rancher was visiting a farmer in Israel. The proud Israeli showed him around. "Here is where I grow tomatoes, cucumbers, and squash. Over there I built a play set for my kids, next to the doghouse," the farmer said.

The land was tiny, and the Texan was surprised by its small size. "Is...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Jew, A Catholic, and an atheist are rowing in Lake Erie when their boat springs a huge leak.

The Jew looks skyward, and says “Oh, Adonai, if you save me, I promise I’ll sail to Israel and spend the rest of my days trying to reclaim the land you gave us.”

The Catholic looks skyward, and says, “Oh, Jesus, if you save me, I promise I’ll fly to the Vatican and spend the rest of my days ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Going to Hell for this one

Hitler and Mussolini came back from the dead and were sitting in a bar in TX, because why not? This drunk redneck hears them making plans of picking up where they left off.

He hears Hitler say, "So the plan is to round up all the Jews in Hollywood, DC, and Israel; get them all together along...

I’m really worried about Jerusalem being recognised as the capital of Israel.

Who’s going to Tel Aviv?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A news reporter goes to see a Jewish man who has been going to the western wall in Israel to pray once a day for 70 years

the reporter goes up to him and says, "hello I"m a reporter for the BBC and we know you"re quite famous around this wall so we were wondering if we could ask you a few questions." The man agrees and she asks, "so we were wondering; what have you actually been praying for all of these years?"The man ...

Who provides tech support for Israel?

RabbIT

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Lot of People Say Jews Don't Really Exist...

The truth, though, is that they Israel.

Trump's in Saudi Arabia, Israel...

... and the Vatican this week, cradles of USA's 3 great religions:

Christianity, Judaism, and Oil.

Benjamin Netanyahu, the prime minister of Israel, Narendra Modi, the prime minister of India, and Donald Trump from America, are driving together to a conference...

...when their car breaks down and they are forced to spend the night at a small motel.

”I’m sorry,” says the clerk, ”but we have only one room left and it’s a double. But one of you can
sleep in the barn. We will make it comfortable.”

”No problem,” says Narendra Modi, ”I will sleep ...

A Jewish military man from Israel told me this joke.

Deep in the desert. Mehmet, an Arab fighter (or militant, if you will) chases an Israeli soldier, let's call him Moshe, with an AK47 gun.

Mehmet closes on Moshe and starts firing at him but misses. The chase continues through the desert, there's quite a lot of firing from Mehmet and quite a l...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man went to Israel with his wife...

This guy i heard of went to Israel with his wife, and when they got there, she had a rare illness and she died. So now, this guy's stuck here in a foreign land with a dead wife, and to bring her back home and bury her, the guy needed $15k. He was telling some of the locals that he was too poor to af...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Jewish man owns a craft shop

The local tailor, a known racist and anti-Semite, goes into his shop and says "Oi, I want some yellow yarn, deliver it to my shop tomorrow at nine exactly."

The Jewish shop owner is loathe to serve this man, but knowing it's where almost a quarter of his profits come from, he has little choic...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two Jews emigrate from Russia.

One goes to Israel and the other goes to Germany. One year passes and they get together at a restaurant to catch up.

"Moshe, I'm very lucky" says his friend, "I live in Haifa now where I own a supermarket. The weather is wonderful, and everyone is so kind. I truly have it made."

"Izya,...

What do the World Wide Web and the Prime Minister of Israel have in common?

They are both Net and Yahoo.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Israel has started it's own space program.

The kosher rocket was launched with the brave astronauts onboard. With the groundbreaking tech, they flew extremely fast, passing planets, stars, occasionally some nebulae... They got so far in fact that they reached antimatter masses, but they kept flying. Then, they spotted an antiplanet. 'Let's l...

USA has 9/11, France has 11/13, and Israel has?

24/7

Why does Google like Israel?

Because Israel's leader is Not In Yahoo.

Two Israelis are sitting on the beach in Tel Aviv, reading.

One has got a quality newspaper, the other an antisemitic rag. "Why on earth are you reading that?" one asks. "I used to read a quality paper like you," the other sighs, "but I couldn't handle it any more – the rockets from Gaza and Hezbollah getting stronger every day and the Iranian nuclear progra...

A man goes to the synagogue to talk to his Rabbi.

He says, "Rabbi, I have terrible news! When my son went to visit Israel I thought it would be a wonderful idea. But I guess the churches there really got to him, because when he came back he was a Christian!"

The rabbi says, "No way! You too? I'm having the exact same problem with my son, ...

Donald Trump has cancelled a planned trip to Israel.

When asked why, Trump said, "They already have a wall and fear of Muslims. My work there is done."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

When Solomon the Wise received the Queen of Sheba at his palace, he needed grand new thrones for him and for her.

So by the power of the Seal of Solomon he summoned *djinn* and he said to them: Craft me a pair of thrones that shall be the wonder of all the ages, exquisite in both materials and workmanship and of a value surpassing all the treasures of the earth. And the *djinn*, bound under the Seal, bowed low ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Yugoslavian jew moves to israel

After ww2 most of the (still alive) yugoslavian jews moved to Israel.

Shlomo shekelowitz decides to stay in yugoslavia just to test the new socialist regime.

After a year he moves to israel.

One of his old friends sees him and asks

SCHLOMO! Long time we did not see each o...

Why did Israel's military refuse to buy the 3D image projector?

Because of how much the holo cost.

What is Israel's favorite martial art?

Jew-Jitsu

A Texan Visits Israel

A Texan visits Israel for vacation and spends several weeks travelling around to see the different sites. One day, while making his way through the countryside to a destination, he realizes he is quite thirsty and stops at a small farm to request a drink. The owner of the farm is quite friendly and ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call Israel's soldiers?

G.I. Jews

What's the most popular search engine in Israel?

They surf the Net On Yahoo.

After Israel threatened to take the Security Council vote as an act of war, the New Zealand Ambassador called Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu....

...Picking up the phone, he spoke "Hebrew."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The Old Jew and the Genie

One day, a very old Jewish man was walking down the street when he encountered a tarnished brass lamp.

As he tried to polish it up with his sleeve, lo and behold a genie appeared in a puff of smoke.

"Master of the lamp, I am able to grant you one wish!" the genie bellows.

The o...

The North/South Korea conflict reminded me of an old joke set in Israel

Two old Israeli men are having lunch together, talking about this and that, politics and their jobs, and the conversation leads to them talking about the state of Israel.

"I'm telling you, Moskowitz, there's an easy solution to all the problems Israel has."

"I'm sure if there was one, ...

What's Israel favorite martial arts style?

Jew-jitsu

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I'm starting to think this country really is run by Jews

But it's still only my first week in Israel.

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.