My family is furious at me for implying my Sister in an idiot for not vaccinating her child...

I suppose the funeral wasn’t the right place to say it.

Why isn’t every man in a red suit with a beard Santa?

Because correlation doesn’t imply Claus-ality.

Coinkidink does not imply causalidink

That's all I've got, but 2 long island iced teas me thinks that is deeply, utterly hilarious. Back me up..?

Our English teacher said that in English, using double negatives implies a positive, and in other languages, using double negatives implies a negative. But, in no languages does a double positive imply a negative.

I said, "Yeah, right."

Girls hate it when you give them gifts implying that you will somehow benefit from them as well.

Take knee pads for example.

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A man is out in the Chinese wilderness and he's hopelessly lost.

It's been nearly three weeks since he's eaten anything besides what he could

forage and he's been reduced to sleeping in caves and under trees.

One afternoon he comes upon an old mansion in the woods. It has vines

covering most of it and the man can't see any other buildings i...

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A blond is starting in 2nd grade

On the first day she comes home to her mother and eagerly yells: "Mom! Mom! Today we had English and I knew more words and could spell better than any other kid! Is it because I am a blonde?"
"No, honey", said the mother, "It is simply because you are smarter and more knowledgeable than the ot...

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Two Syrian refugees compete to see who can become the most American in three weeks.

After three weeks the Syrians meet again at a McDonalds. The first Syrian makes his case for him being more American by saying: "Every day I have taken my son to softball practice and my daughter to ballet. I just purchased my first car and it is a Chevy El Camino. I've recently started listening to...

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My therapist wanted to tell me about the 5 stages of grief. I said...

But nothing bad has happened! How DARE you imply that it has? I'm only paying half for this session. Thanks for ruining my good mood... Okay, tell me all about it.

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