A girl promises to teach her boyfriend what 69ing is. He lies down on the floor and she squats down over his face to assume the position and farts. Embarrassed she stands up and apologizes. She squats down for another go but farts again,

she gets up and apologizes again.
Before she can have a third go, her boyfriend gets up and goes to walk out saying “yeah this isn’t really for me, I’m not having 67 more of those in my face”

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My favourite sex position is the JFK

I splatter all over her while she screams and tries to get out of the car

Trump tests positive for COVID-19.

He finally passed a test without cheating, good for him.

A linguistic philosopher made the claim that there is no language in which a double positive implies a negative during a lecture.

To which someone responded, "Yeah, yeah."

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Sex Position #189 "The John Wilkes Booth" (NSFW)

You blow a load on the back of someone's head in a movie theater and try to escape before you get caught.

I just accepted a senior management position on the old MacDonald farm

I'm the CIEIO

Why are people acting like Kamala Harris is the first woman to obtain such a high ranking position in the US Government?

Have we all forgotten that Monica Lewinsky was directly under Bill Clinton?

What is Naruto's favorite football position?

Kyuu-bi

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My GF broke up with me over a misunderstanding when we tried a new sexual position

Apparently, her "doggy style" doesn't involve any real dog

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My favorite sex position is the 69. What's yours?

"The 68."

"What's the 68?"

"It's when you go down on me - - and I owe you one."

My friend's dad just died and his last words were "Be positive"

We could have saved him if we knew his blood type

A guy sits down at the bar and orders drink after drink. "Is everything okay, pal?" the bartender asks. "My wife and I got into a fight and she said she wasn’t going to talk to me for a month.”

Trying to put a positive spin on things, the bartender says, "Well, maybe that's kind of a good thing. You know... a little peace and quiet?"

"Yeah. But today is the last day...”

*Interview for position of Astronaut*

Interviewer : Where do you see yourself in 5 years ?
Candidate : Not on earth hopefully.

My crush told me that I'm pretty.

Well, the whole sentence was "you're pretty annoying", but I focus only on the positive things.

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The best sex position is called WOW

That's when I flip your MOM over.

Positive Corona cases are way down in Texas over the last few days...

It requires power to perform the test.

What do you call a lying robot with a positive outlook?

Optimist prime the deception-con

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What will you get if a HIV positive person fucks your ear?

Hearing aids.

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After all of the background checks, interviews, and testing were done there were three finalists for the CIA assassin position — two men and one woman. For the final test, the CIA agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun.

"We must know that you will follow your instructions, no matter what the circumstances. Inside this room you will find your wife sitting in a chair. You have to kill her." The first man said. "You can’t be serious. I could never shoot my wife." The agent replies, "Then you’re not the right man for...

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My favorite sex position is called "the JFK"...

She screams and tries to crawl out of the back seat while I go splooey all over her dress.

As his Presidency comes to an end, I think it's important to reflect on the one positive result of Donald Trump's term.

His Covid19 test result.

Can't believe trump tested positive for covid-19

when all he had to do was to not get tested.

>!Man. Woman. TV. Coronavirus.!<

The position of 69 should be replaced by 96.

With the economy as it is, the cost of eating out has gone up.

Interview for the position of security guard in India

Interviewer(in an Indian language) : Do you know English?

Candidate: Are the thieves from England?

My friend has tested positive for Covid.

She said that she caught it off of her Cat.


Don't ask "Meow."

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Little girl lands position as construction boss.

**A young family moved into a house next to a vacant lot. One day, a construction crew turned up to start building a house on the empty lot.**


**The young family’s 5-year-old daughter naturally took an interest in all the activity going on next door and spent much of each day observing ...

Alzheimer's has a positive side too

Every day you get to meet new people.

Ice Cream gets tested positive for Covid in China

I hope they've put it straight into iceolation

What position did Jesus play on his baseball team?

Pitcher. He gave his sermon on the mound.

Donald Trump's COVID test was the first thing he got a positive score on

And even then, he didn't understand the material

Donald Trump has tested positive for COVID-19.

Looks like RBG won her first case before God.

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A priest is riding a cab

A priest gets a taxi. While driving, the taxi driver is being extremely obnoxious. Every time the car gets into a small pit in the road, the taxi driver says "Fuck!" or "Shit!". The priest is silent. Then they accidentally hit a pothole, and the taxi driver goes "Motherfucker!". Then they hit a crac...

President Trump has tested positive for COVID-19

Doctors are expecting a swift recovery, citing that the virus is a hoax and fake news.

What is a highlighter's favorite Twister position?

Knee on yellow.

Chuck Norris tested positive for coronavirus

The virus is now on a ventilator.

I got my covid test results and I'm so confused.. it was just the number 83...

On the plus side my IQ test came back positive

After receiving an 89 on his English exam, an immigrant mother tries to cheer up her perfectionist son by telling him "You've gotta be positive!"

"It's pronounced 'B plus'", replied the son, "and I wanted an A!"

During tryouts for one of the chorus positions in the upcoming musical The Sound of Music....

one of the girls told the judges, "Mother says I sing beautifully."
The judge replied, "Bring me a recommendation from your neighbors and I'll give you a tryout."

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Absolutely NO FUCKING WAY Trump's really COVID positive.

You can't get sick from a hoax.

They say there’s power in positivity...

...my grandmother’s covid test results say otherwise

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The new sex position is called Brexit:

It's when you promise to pull out but you don't:

What’s the difference between a Harley Davidson and a vacuum cleaner?

The position of the dirtbag.

Kellyanne Conway did not test positive for Covid-19

She tested alternative-negative

Three men apply for a spy position

Three men apply for a spy position.
Its the final test

Interviewer: "I have your SO in this room. Your mission is to kill them. Here's a gun."

First candidate: " You can't be serious?"

Interviewer: " Then this job is not for you."

Second candidate comes out 5 minu...

Donald Trump and his wife Melania have tested positive for coronavirus.

I didn’t realise they were that close!

Rapper Eminem has tested positive for COVID-19

In a statement released by doctors, it has been been revealed the following symptoms: his palms were sweaty, knees weak and arms were heavy. Not to mention that there was vomit on his sweater already.

Initial testing suggests that the cause is: Mom's Spaghetti.

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4 types of orgasm...

Do you know that there are 4 types of orgasm… the Holy Orgasm, The Positive Orgasm, the Negative Orgasm and the Fake Orgasm.
The Holy Orgasm sounds like ‟Oh God, oh god…”
The Positive Orgasm goes ‟Yes, yes, oh yes, ”
The Negative Orgasm goes ‟no, no, oh no”
and the fake orgasm, the fa...

An arm with no body crawls into a military recruiting station.

The sergeant looks on in amazement as the arm hops onto his desk, grabs a pen and writes;

“I’m here to enlist!”

“You can’t enlist, you’re just an arm!”

The arm quickly wraps itself around the sergeant’s neck and puts him into a submission hold; letting him go just before he pas...

A 55 year old lady suddenly started learning to swim instead of her usual routine of going to a temple !!!!

Everyone was curious and asked her: "why the change in your interest to swimming now a days?"

The lady, with a look of helplessness replied: "Whenever my son and daughter-in-law quarrel with each other my Daughter-in-law always asks my son : - "If your mom and I fall into water, whom will y...

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German Sex

A German guy approaches a lady of the night.
'I vish to buy sex wit you.'
'OK,' says the girl, 'I charge 20 an hour.'
'..ist goot, but I must varn you, I am a little kinky.'
'No problem,' she replies cautiously, 'I can do little kinky.'
So off they go to the girl's flat, where the Ger...

You know what they call it when you get a positive covid result?

M-m-m-my Sure-Rona!

Be Positive

My grandfather died when we couldn't remember his blood type. While dying, he kept saying to us 'be positive'. But the situation was so difficult

My father who is a janitor said his position at work was raised

He will be cleaning the 40th floor instead of the 39th.

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A man was having problems with premature ejaculation. This was affecting marital relations with his wife so he decided to go to the doctor. He asked the doctor what he could do to cure his problem.

In response the doctor said, “When you feel the urge to ejaculate, try startling yourself.”

On the way home the man went to a gun store and bought himself a starter pistol. All excited to try out this suggestion he ran home to his wife. When he got home he was surprised and delighted to find ...

For the first time in my life, I got positive feedback on my exams

Too bad it was from the STI Clinic

How come the media never says anything positive about trump?

Until today there was nothing to report.

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Which sexual position produces the ugliest babies?

Ask your mom

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A Soviet Strip Club

In the seventies, Soviet party members decide on establishing the first strip club in Moscow


They plan out everything, yet somehow there's next to no income. After some discussion, they decide on inviting two American experts to inspect the place.

The Americans look around for a m...

A mathematician, a physicist, and an engineer are interviewing for a cryptanlyst position. To understand how they approach a problem, the interviewer asks each of them to solve one plus one.

The mathematician responds first, and says, "It is trivial to prove that a unique solution exists." The physicist goes next, and says "The answer will virtually always lie between 1.99 and 2.01." And finally, engineer says, "It looks to be about two, but let's play it safe and call it three."

I was having trouble sleeping, so my HIV positive friend gave me a sleeping pill

And now I have sleep aids

The positive and negative

There was once a surprise meeting between the +ve and the -ve sign

The positive + sign was really intrigued and said well I am better than you since I add something of value .What are you here for it asked the -ve sign

The - sign said I am.here to make a difference!

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Applying for a sales position

A man goes to apply for a job in a big Walmart. He's interviewed by the personnel manager and asked:

\- Do you have sales experience?

\- Yes sir, I worked selling clothes.

The manager decides to give him a test, so he says:

\- Come to work tomorrow at 9 AM. You'll work al...

With all these Politicians testing Positive for COVID-19...

It looks like Trump kept his promise to drain the swamp.

I was shocked to see on the news that Melania tested positive for COVID aswell

She has been socially distancing from the president since their honeymoon.

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The woodland statues and the Fairy

Two statues have stood facing each other for over a 1000 years. A handsome Male and a beautiful Female. One day a Fairy floats down from the sky and tells them that she has seen them there for ages and will treat them to half an hour as humans.

As soon as she had waved her magic wand and they...

So Boris Johnson has tested positive for COVID-19...

Anyone else concerned with how quickly the virus has jumped from human to politician?

Ive been very depressed because of lack of sleep so i asked the doctor about the positives and the negatives of sleeping medication. He said that they can be a great tool for sleeping but if you take too much you'll die.

I said okay. Now what are the negatives?

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Darth Vader takes a trip to the clinic after having unprotected sex. What did his test results come back positive for?

Sithilis

I am in no position to say this,

but my math teacher is the third derivative of my position

Slightly rewrote the ending on this classic

A man is flying in a hot-air balloon and realizes he is lost.

He reduces height and spots a man below.

He lowers the balloon farther and shouts, "Excuse me! Can you tell me where I am?"

The man below says: "Yes, you're in a hot-air balloon, hovering 30 feet above this field....

The entire Trump family, except for Maryanne Trump Barry, has tested positive for Covid-19!

Hmmm, maybe the Aunty Maskers are onto something...

I'm considering taking a position to translate old Mongolian poetry

The job has its Prose and Kahns

What's NC Senate candidate Cal Cunningham's position on extra marital affairs?

Missionary.

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NSFW Two cowboys are out on the range talking about their favorite sex position.

One says, "I think I enjoy the rodeo position the best."

"I don't think I have ever heard of that one," says the other cowboy.

"What is it?"

"Well, it's where you get your girl down on all four, and you mount her from behind. Then you reach around, cup her t*ts, and whisper i...

A man with a winking problem is applying for a position

as a sales representative for a large firm.

The interviewer looks over his papers and says, "This is phenomenal. You’ve graduated from the best schools; your recommendations are wonderful, and your experience is unparalleled. Normally, we’d hire you without a second thought. However, a sales...

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Three men all suffer an untimely death on the very same day.

They all wind up in purgatory and each has a sneaking suspicion that they will unfortunately end up in Hell for their various evil deeds committed on Earth. As this thought occurs to each of them, Satan suddenly appears before the three men. Much to their delight, Satan offers each of them one final...

A man is being interviewed for a government position.

The interviewer asks him "Do you advocate the overthrow of the government, by violence or subversion?".

The candidate replies "I think I prefer subversion.".

Snail and the Tortoise

Once a tortoise and a snail bumped into each other.
The snail was profusely injured and was taken to the hospital emergency.
When the snail was in a position to talk, he was surrounded by members of the press asking him
"Mr. Snail, could ypu please tell us how this happened?".
The snail...

So anyway i started spreading my positivity

Now i dont know why everyone else at the HIV test center is staring at me

Several churches started having problems with squirrels damaging their buildings.

The Presbyterian church called a meeting to decide what to do about their squirrel infestation. After much prayer and consideration, they concluded that the squirrels were predestined to be there, and they should not interfere with God’s divine will.

At the Baptist church, the squirrels had ...

A blonde takes a pregnancy test and it comes out positive...

After telling her boyfriend she cries 'How are we going to afford so many babies?'

He says 'It couldn't tell you that, how many did it say we're having?'

'98.6!'

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A man met a beautiful girl and he decided he wanted to marry her right away. She protested, “But we don’t know anything about each other.” He replied, “That’s all right; we’ll learn about each other as we go along.”

So she consented and they were married, and they went on honeymoon to a very nice resort.

One morning, they were lying by the pool when he got up off his towel, climbed up to the 30-foot high board and did a two-and-a-half-tuck gainer, entering the water perfectly, almost without a ripple. T...

The President of the United States Donald Trump and First Lady Melania have tested positive for the coronavirus

This is also probably the first and only time ever that Melania has been or will ever be positive around Trump

Young couple at doctors office

Young couple visits doctor seeking advice,

"Sir you gotta help us, we tried everything to have a baby, we tried vitamins, we tried changing positions, we tried every different day of the month, we searched internet for pregnancy advice, but we just can't seem to have any luck with it, we need...

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My girlfriend asked me what's my favourite sex position?

I said "WOW"

The whole day she searched for it and finally asked me what's WOW

That's when I said "It's where i flip your 'MOM' over"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Long, but hopefully worth it.

The Smiths had no children and decided to use a proxy father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr.Smith kissed his wife and said, "I'm off. The man should be here soon."
Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer rang the doorbell, hoping...

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A girl was crazy about 69 position...

But she haven't tried the position with her new boyfriend. So she invites him to a romantic dinner. After the dinner she tells her boyfriend about her desire for it. But her boyfriend was clueless about such acts. So she tell him to strip naked on the couch and lay on top of him naked in the 69 posi...

I was recently on a charter flight with my hockey team where they seated you according to what position you play.

Damn near froze to death on left wing.

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An old one my dad used to tell...

An out of work actor gets a call from his agent one day, and the agents like "good news! I got you a part in a play! It's only one line, but it's the opener and could be your big shot! Okay so the line is..

'Hark, I hear the cannons roar'..
Got that? 'Hark, I hear the cannons roar"

...

I was kicked out of the COVID ward...

because I told them to stay positive.

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We had an open position with 60 applicants. I said, "I don't have time to review all these resumes. Just hire the one with the biggest tits!"

Larry starts Monday.

All the jokes say Trump finally tested positive on something without cheating, but...

Have you *seen* the aide who gave it to him?

Trump has tested positive for covid 19

If he injects himself with bleach, then he will have a taste of his own medicine.

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Porn movies are positive movies:

No murder,
No war,
No fight,
No conspiracy,
No cheating,
No racism,
No religious fanatics,
No language problem,
No crying or teasing,
Good cooperation,
Good coordination,
Natural acting,
Everybody enjoys the climax,
Lots of love,
...

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6 Life Lessons

6 life lessons

**Lesson 1:**

A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower when the doorbell rings. The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next door neighbour. Before she says a word, ...

I heard that Prince Charles tested positive for Covid-19

Looks like he got coronated at last!

Sending Positive Thoughts...

... is apparently the wrong card to get someone awaiting HIV test results.

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My penis is so small the only sex position I can do is the superposition

She never knows whether it's in or out

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

If your boss tests positive for the Coronavirus...

Does that mean all the ass kissers in the office have to get tested as well?

What’s one thing that turned out positive in 2020? I’ll go first:

My COVID test.

I was a bit depressed so I surrounded myself with positive people

Now I am at the hospital.

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My least favorite sexual position is COVID-69

The masks really take the sensation away.

Morris had just been hired as the new CEO of a large high tech corporation.

The CEO who was stepping down met with him privately and presented him with three numbered envelopes....#1,#2,#3. "Open these if you run up against a problem you don't think you can solve," the departing CEO said.


Well, things went along pretty smoothly, but six months later, sales took a...

R. Kelly in the news again--tested positive for the COVID-15 virus

...apparently COVID-19 was a little too old for him.

I was really excited when I picked up a book titled “69 Mating positions”.

Turns out it was about chess.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What's the favorite position of a Nazi in football?

Right winger.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My favorite sex position is called the USA.

It's where I get fucked by a bunch of rich folks and then left to rot afterwards.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Three women who were friends in high school have returned to their hometown to attend their 45th reunion and have lunch together. Their talk turns to their position in life, and there's a lot of one-upmanship going on.

The first woman says, "My husband is taking me to the French Riviera for two weeks," and then looks at the others with a superior demeanour.

The second woman says, "Well, my husband just bought me a new Mercedes." and looks about with considerable pride.

The third woman says, "Well, to...

I was scared to donate blood today.

But I tried my best to B positive

Why does no one do the reverse cowgirl position in alabama?

Because you never turn your back on family

What should Quentin Tarantino do if he's tested positive for coronavirus?

Tent-in Quarantino.

A blonde is on a 2 seater aeroplane when the pilot suddenly passes out.

Not knowing how to fly the plane she grabs the radio and says: "Mayday, mayday, my pilot just died!"

Ground control received her call for help and replies: "Don't worry maam I'll talk you down, just do as I say.”

First I need you to give me your height and position? Blonde: "I'm 5'2 an...

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Do you know what sex position makes the ugliest baby?

Neither do I, but ask your mum.

Little billy lives in the country and gets home from school one day to see the family rooster dead on the ground laying on it's back, legs up in the air. He asks his dad "why did it die in such a position?" His dad being religious and quick thinking says

"it's so God can just grab him by his feet and lift him off into heaven." Billy thinks this is ok. A few days go by and billy runs up to his dad and says "DAD, DAD! MOM ALMOST DIED, MOM ALMOST DIED! I heard her screaming Jesus I'm coming, Jesus I'm coming. and when I went to check on her, she was on...

My girlfriend bought me the karma sutra

Which put me in a very awkward position

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Three men, aged 40, 60 and 80, discuss their sex lives

The 40-year old says: "When my wife and I were just married, we'd do it every single day. Any position you could imagine. But now I'm lucky if we can average once a week".

The 60-year old man responds: "Once a week? Just wait till you get to my age. Once a month is what I consider an active s...

For Me, Chess is a Lot Like Tinder

I know a few openings, but continually struggle to put myself into mating positions

My interview for the position of a Kamikaze pilot today went pretty well.

until I asked about the pension.

Double Positives

An MIT linguistics professor was lecturing his class the other day. "In English," he said, "a double negative forms a positive. However, in some languages, such as Russian, a double negative remains a negative. But there isn't a single language, not one, in which a double positive can express a nega...

A new Navy recruit has his first day on the submarine...

He speaks with the officer, who assigns him his post.

"Go stand at the periscope entry-way, and make sure no unauthorized personnel touch the periscope."

The recruit follows orders, and stands by the periscope. After 15 minutes, the officer stops by.

"Son I'm changing your post ...

I went to the doctors yesterday. After my checkup I told them I was just trying to stay positive.

I don't know why they looked so concerned.

Did you hear about the new welding position that opened up at work?

Management is desperate to fillet.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man returns home…

…and finds his wife dressed in a sexy lingerie.

Wife: You want to change positions tonight?
Husband: Yeah!
Wife: Ok, you do the dishes and I'll sit on the couch and watch Netflix!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

It has been determined, the most used sexual position for married couples is the doggie position...

The husband sits up and begs.


The wife rolls over and plays dead.

When passing wind, farting if you will, in a sitting position, are you left cheek dominate or right cheek dominate?

In otherwords, which way do you lean?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My therapist told me that it's important to spread positivity.

Which has saved me a bunch of money on condoms.

How Egyptians solve problems.

In Cairo there is a large hole in the ground left over from a construction project that was never finished. Everyday several people unexpectedly walk right into the hole and are badly injured.

By the time the ambulance arrives and brings the victims to the hospital it is often too late to sa...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A priest lived in a church with three nuns...

One evening the priest decided that he wanted to take a bath. He went to the washroom, filled the tub with water, and then undressed before he realized that he forgot to bring his soap.
He wraps himself in a towel around his waist and goes back to his room to retrieve his soap, grabbing an extr...

I’m scared because a neighbor tested positive

I might be the dad

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