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Posit Jokes

Trump tests positive for COVID-19.

He finally passed a test without cheating, good for him.

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The sex position formerly known as 69 is now called 96.

Due to the economy, the cost of eating out has gone up.

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The new sex position is called Brexit:

It's when you promise to pull out but you don't:

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My favourite sex position is called "WOW" ...

It's where I flip your MOM over

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My favorite sex position is called "the JFK"...

She screams and tries to crawl out of the back seat while I go splooey all over her dress.

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Little girl lands position as construction boss.

**A young family moved into a house next to a vacant lot. One day, a construction crew turned up to start building a house on the empty lot.**


**The young family’s 5-year-old daughter naturally took an interest in all the activity going on next door and spent much of each day observing ...

What is the most dangerous position in chess?

C4

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Why do most men like the missionary position for sex..?

...most men hate fucking up...

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What sexual position *guarantees* the ugliest baby?

Go ask your mother.

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What sexual position makes ugly babies?

Idk, ask your parents.

What's the hardest part when your ex tells you she is HIV positive

Trying to act surprised.

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My favorite sex position is the JFK

I splatter all over her while she screams and tries to get out of the car.

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TIL the Reverse Cowgirl position is frowned upon in West Virginia.

It just ain't right turning your back on family.

I just finished the book “101 mating positions”, and I was really disappointed.

Turns out—-it’s a book about chess.

A man with a winking problem is applying for a position as a sales representative for a large firm.

The interviewer looks over his papers and says, "This is phenomenal. You've graduated from the best schools, your recommendations are wonderful, and your experience is unparalleled. Normally, we'd hire you without a second thought. However, a sales representative has a highly visible position, and w...

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Have you heard about the new sex position called the Liz Truss?

That's when you give her a weak Pound, then immediately leave the House.

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Two cowboys are out riding the range and talking about their favorite sex positions

The first cowboy says the “rodeo” position is his favorite.

The second cowboy says he’s never heard of it before and asks how to do it.

The first cowboy responds, “Well, you mount your lady from behind then reach down and grab her tits. Then you whisper ‘these feel almost as good as ...

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Sex Position #189 "The John Wilkes Booth" (NSFW)

You blow a load on the back of someone's head in a movie theater and try to escape before you get caught.

I quit my position as a scuba diving instructor the first day at my job.

Deep down, I realized it wasn’t for me.

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A lady asked me what position I was looking for

I told her I normally like doggy style, but since she was pretty hot, I'd be into it if she wanted to sit on my face while I jerked off. She got pissed off and asked me to leave her office, I don't think that job interview went very well.

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Sex positions for small penises

Fuck! This isn't Google search. How do I delete this post?

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Before getting married, my wife and I used all sorts of sexual positions, but it wasn’t until after being married for years that we discovered the Quantum Super position…

… where it’s rather hard to tell if my wife is alive or dead.

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The FBI had an open position for an assassin

After all the background checks, interviews and testing were completed, they had narrowed the field down to 3 possible agents. For the final test, the FBI agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. 'We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the ci...

Why are people acting like Kamala Harris is the first woman to obtain such a high ranking position in the US Government?

Have we all forgotten that Monica Lewinsky was directly under Bill Clinton?

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My wife asked if I'd like to try a new sex position

She said it's called "doggy style".

I said "yeah, I can get behind that".

Four professionals are interviewing for a math-intensive position in a company

The shortlist of applicants includes a mathematician, a physicist, an engineer, and an accountant.

To begin each interview, the representative from HR poses a simple math problem to warm up the candidates. What is 45+18?

The mathematician immediately responds "63".

The physicist...

I'm positively magnetic!

When I meet someone positive, I repel them!

Two positives never make a negative.

Yeah, right.

A girl promises to teach her boyfriend what 69ing is. He lies down on the floor and she squats down over his face to assume the position and farts. Embarrassed she stands up and apologizes. She squats down for another go but farts again,

she gets up and apologizes again.
Before she can have a third go, her boyfriend gets up and goes to walk out saying “yeah this isn’t really for me, I’m not having 67 more of those in my face”

So Boris Johnson has tested positive for COVID-19...

Anyone else concerned with how quickly the virus has jumped from human to politician?

I play a brand new position in baseball!

Left Out

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I got fired from my last job for arranging the vegetables into sexual position

Apparently that's "misconduct" for a special needs teacher.

My girlfriends favourite position is 6.9

Personally, I prefer it without the period.

A linguistics professor says during a lecture that, “In English, a double negative forms a positive. But in some languages, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative. However, in no language in the world can a double positive form a negative.”

But then a voice from the back of the room piped up, “Yeah, right.”

I'm positive I lost an electron...

...better keep an ion that.

Donald Trump's presidency is already positively affecting the economy.

Alcohol sales have never been higher.

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Why is it called the missionary position?

Because you can deliver the semen on the mount!

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How to prepare for a new management position

A guy walks into a café with a shotgun in one hand and a bucket of manure in the other.

He says to the waiter,
\- 'I want coffee.'
The waiter says,
\- 'Sure thing, coming right up...'
He gets the guy a tall mug of coffee, and the guy drinks it down in one gulp, picks up...

First day as a pilot. Control tower: Can you give me your position? Me: I am next to a cloud that looks like a lion. Control tower: Can you be more specific?

Me: Simba

A physicist, a statistician, and an accountant all apply for the same position...

The interviewers first call in the physicist. "We have only one question," they tell him. "What is 500 plus 500?" The physicist, without hesitation, says "1000."
The committee sends him out and calls in the statistician. When the statistician comes in, they ask the same question. The statisticia...

Netflix’s new live-action anime adaption “One Piece” bombs despite majority positive reviews from critics and audiences

The studio blames their poor numbers off the series glorifying piracy.

What position does the Messiah play in Hockey?

Goalie...Jesus saves man))))))

I tested positive for COVID-19 on New Year's Day.

Guess you could say I started 2022 on a positive note.

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Sex positions

Two rednecks were sitting in a bar discussing their favorite sex positions. One of them says, “I think rodeo would have to my favorite”. The other one says, “I’ve never heard of that one, what is it?” So the first guy says, “You sit on your wife’s back with your hands on her boobs and say, ‘these fe...

Kevin Spacey is trying to get a new position in Vegas,...

Blackjack Dealer

Because they hit on anything under 17.

"Can't attack that position. My men are exhausted."

Spoken by a NATO general it means his soldiers are too tired and would not be able to attack without heavy losses.

Spoken by a Russian general it means his supply of men has been exhausted i. e., there are no alive men left to send.

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When a man and a woman have simultaneous oral sex, we call it 69. What do we call it if it is two men in a similar position?

Eleven.

I’m considering taking a position translating old Mongolian poetry.

The jobs has its prose and Khans.

Happy cake day to me!

After all this time, I still haven’t tested positive for Covid…

…wouldn’t it be funny if it was just because I wasn’t sticking the swab far enough into my ear?

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My favourite position in bed is at the bottom

Because all i do is fuck up

Covid Positive.

My friend has tested positive for Covid.

She said that she caught it off of her Cat.

Don't ask "Meow."

Psychiatrist: "You need to think more positive and generalize less."

Me: "Yeah, it's a shame that everyone's so negative."

I just left my position as tire pump salesman

Couldn't handle the pressure...

Positive quote on living with Schizophrenia disorder

There is always someone there who cares for you without your knowledge

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The Position

A young woman with oozing sores on her elbows and knees went to see a doctor. "You've got to help me," she said. "These sores won't heal. I can't wear any long sleeves or slacks, and they look awful." The doctor consulted his medical books and finally said, "I can only come up with one question to h...

A person doing a survey called me and asked, “What’s your position on drugs?”

Me: Usually slumped on a beanbag chair.

The "Body Positivity" movement...

Is the only movement that does no movement.

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A poem about positive thoughts

Little little bird in the sky

You look up it shits in your eye

You don’t weep you don’t cry

You thank god that cows don’t fly

One positive thing about voyeurs:

They tend to be real peephole pleasers

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I tested positive

I tested positive for being the worlds sexiest person. Unfortunately i am showing no symptoms

Donald Trump has tested positive for COVID-19.

Looks like RBG won her first case before God.

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What is the best-known sex position in the Harry Potter universe?

Dobby style.

Home Depot sign said ‘Now Hiring—All Positions’

So I called to see if missionary and semi-fetal were available.

They hung up. Quite defensive.

I heard that Prince Charles tested positive for Covid-19

Looks like he got coronated at last!

The marriage counselor suggested we try different positions.

I said, "We can't be too long, my wife is on the way."

What job position do tree trunks have?

They are branch managers

I was a bit depressed so I surrounded myself with positive people

Now I am at the hospital.

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What’s your favorite sexual position?

Mine’s reverse missionary—where I pin you down and tell you god’s not real.

When I was growing up, we didn't have all this body positivity nonsense.

We were ashamed of our bodies, the way God intended.

My mom used to tell me not to laugh at other's condition because we may be in their position one day.

So I laugh at Bill Gates' condition everyday.

Do you think Charlie Sheen admitted to being HIV positive on national television...

because it was easier than making phone calls?

How to always stay positive in life:

| life |

R. Kelly in the news again--tested positive for the COVID-15 virus

...apparently COVID-19 was a little too old for him.

President Trump has tested positive for COVID-19

Doctors are expecting a swift recovery, citing that the virus is a hoax and fake news.

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New sex position.

Have you tried the new sex position? "The Froggy Style."


Much like Doggy style, only you aim an Inch higher.

And watch how high she leaps.

Positivity

I was sent on a positive mindset training course today. It was good but the room was half empty...

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Absolutely NO FUCKING WAY Trump's really COVID positive.

You can't get sick from a hoax.

The math professor explained "two negatives becomes a positive, but two positives cannot become a negative"

A student rolled his eyes and said  "Yeah, yeah"

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It has been determined, the most used sexual position for married couples is the doggie position...

The husband sits up and begs.


The wife rolls over and plays dead.

Why SpongeBob is always positive?

Because he's squared.

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Did you hear that Alabama banned sex in the Doggystyle position?

They said that you should never turn your back on your family.

Why was the programmer with a six-pack always positive?

Because they had Math.abs

What’s the most positive thing about 2022 so far?

COVID tests

I told my colleague to stay positive…

…which, in hindsight, would be unhelpful considering he has COVID.

Two guys are in a bar, having a beer and discussing different positions. The first one announces, “My favorite position is ‘the rodeo.’”

“How does that one work?” asks his friend.

“Well,” the first one replies, “you get your wife on all four on the bed, then do it to her doggy style. When she really starts enjoying it, you whisper in her ear, 'Your sister likes this position, too.' Then you try and hang on for eight seconds!”

A terrorist commander is interviewing for a suicide bomber position...

"So good news-there is a sudden vacancy. We couldn't track down any of your recs, which is great. I just have one final question-where do you see yourself in the \*glances at watch\* next five minutes?"

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Applying for a sales position

A man goes to apply for a job in a big Walmart. He's interviewed by the personnel manager and asked:

\- Do you have sales experience?

\- Yes sir, I worked selling clothes.

The manager decides to give him a test, so he says:

\- Come to work tomorrow at 9 AM. You'll work al...

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When a dog is in a pooping position, she's vulnerable, and she's looking to the owner to protect her.

When I do the same to my dog I get banned from the dog park

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4 types of orgasm...

Do you know that there are 4 types of orgasm… the Holy Orgasm, The Positive Orgasm, the Negative Orgasm and the Fake Orgasm.
The Holy Orgasm sounds like ‟Oh God, oh god…”
The Positive Orgasm goes ‟Yes, yes, oh yes, ”
The Negative Orgasm goes ‟no, no, oh no”
and the fake orgasm, the fa...

Ryu is the most positive of the Street Fighters

He answers every question with “Sure you can!”.

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I've tested positive

for needing a fucking vacation

She asked what my favourite position is?

I said :- CEO

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My most common sex position is 96

It's where me and my wife lie on the bed with our backs facing each other as she is not in mood ..

Be Positive

My grandfather died when we couldn't remember his blood type. While dying, he kept saying to us 'be positive'. But the situation was so difficult

What's god's favourite position?

Reverse dog style.

What position does Kool-aid Man play in baseball?

Relief Pitcher :^)

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what's a British vampire's favorite sexual position?

Cunnilingus full stop.

I just accepted a senior management position on the old MacDonald farm

I'm the CIEIO

My goal for 2022 is to stay positive

That way I can just quarantine at home instead of going to work.

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My girlfriend and I only ever have sex in the doggy style position

She said I misunderstood her when she told me she "likes it ruff"

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Apparently, there's a new sex position called, "delivery man"...

You stay in all day and no-one comes...

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