This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My favorite sex position is called "the JFK"...

She screams and tries to crawl out of the back seat while I go splooey all over her dress.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My favourite sex position is called "WOW"...

Its when I flip your MOM.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Little girl lands position as construction boss.

**A young family moved into a house next to a vacant lot. One day, a construction crew turned up to start building a house on the empty lot.**


**The young family’s 5-year-old daughter naturally took an interest in all the activity going on next door and spent much of each day observing ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Applying for a sales position

A man goes to apply for a job in a big Walmart. He's interviewed by the personnel manager and asked:

\- Do you have sales experience?

\- Yes sir, I worked selling clothes.

The manager decides to give him a test, so he says:

\- Come to work tomorrow at 9 AM. You'll work al...

A blonde takes a pregnancy test and it comes out positive...

After telling her boyfriend she cries 'How are we going to afford so many babies?'

He says 'It couldn't tell you that, how many did it say we're having?'

'98.6!'

What’s one thing that turned out positive in 2020? I’ll go first:

My COVID test.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A girl was crazy about 69 position...

But she haven't tried the position with her new boyfriend. So she invites him to a romantic dinner. After the dinner she tells her boyfriend about her desire for it. But her boyfriend was clueless about such acts. So she tell him to strip naked on the couch and lay on top of him naked in the 69 posi...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why has Trump never tested positive for COVID-19?

Because the swab always comes out covered in bullshit.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My penis is so small the only sex position I can do is the superposition

She never knows whether it's in or out

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

If your boss tests positive for the Coronavirus...

Does that mean all the ass kissers in the office have to get tested as well?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

NSFW Two cowboys are out on the range talking about their favorite sex position.

One says, "I think I enjoy the rodeo position the best."

"I don't think I have ever heard of that one," says the other cowboy.

"What is it?"

"Well, it's where you get your girl down on all four, and you mount her from behind. Then you reach around, cup her t*ts, and whisper i...

So I asked my friend to hangout and he said, “Can’t, I tested positive for COVID-19, but do you have any deer ticks?

...because I could really go for a Corona and Lyme right now”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My favourite sex position is the 68

You give me a blow job and I owe you one

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Porn movies are positive movies:

No murder,
No war,
No fight,
No conspiracy,
No cheating,
No racism,
No religious fanatics,
No language problem,
No crying or teasing,
Good cooperation,
Good coordination,
Natural acting,
Everybody enjoys the climax,
Lots of love,
...

Did you hear about the new welding position that opened up at work?

Management is desperate to fillet.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

We had an open position with 60 applicants. I said, "I don't have time to review all these resumes. Just hire the one with the biggest tits!"

Larry starts Monday.

I went to the doctors yesterday. After my checkup I told them I was just trying to stay positive.

I don't know why they looked so concerned.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My girlfriend asked me what's my favourite sex position?

I said "WOW"

The whole day she searched for it and finally asked me what's WOW

That's when I said "It's where i flip your 'MOM' over"

Im positive I just lost an electron

I guess I’ll keep an ion that

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Do you know what sex position makes the ugliest baby?

Neither do I, but ask your mum.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The new sex position is called Brexit:

It's when you promise to pull out but you don't:

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Three men, aged 40, 60 and 80, discuss their sex lives

The 40-year old says: "When my wife and I were just married, we'd do it every single day. Any position you could imagine. But now I'm lucky if we can average once a week".

The 60-year old man responds: "Once a week? Just wait till you get to my age. Once a month is what I consider an active s...

One day a man decided to retire. He booked himself on a Caribbean cruise and proceeded to have the time of his life, that is, until the ship sank...

He soon found himself on an island with no other people, no supplies, nothing, only bananas and coconuts.

After about four months, he is lying on the beach one day when the most gorgeous woman he has ever seen rows up to the shore.

In disbelief, he asks, "Where did you come from? How d...

Little billy lives in the country and gets home from school one day to see the family rooster dead on the ground laying on it's back, legs up in the air. He asks his dad "why did it die in such a position?" His dad being religious and quick thinking says

"it's so God can just grab him by his feet and lift him off into heaven." Billy thinks this is ok. A few days go by and billy runs up to his dad and says "DAD, DAD! MOM ALMOST DIED, MOM ALMOST DIED! I heard her screaming Jesus I'm coming, Jesus I'm coming. and when I went to check on her, she was on...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My least favorite sexual position is COVID-69

The masks really take the sensation away.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My favorite sex position is called the USA.

It's where I get fucked by a bunch of rich folks and then left to rot afterwards.

I’m scared because a neighbor tested positive

I might be the dad

So Boris Johnson has tested positive for COVID-19...

Anyone else concerned with how quickly the virus has jumped from human to politician?

What should Quentin Tarantino do if he's tested positive for coronavirus?

Tent-in Quarantino.

Why does no one do the reverse cowgirl position in alabama?

Because you never turn your back on family

My interview for the position of a Kamikaze pilot today went pretty well.

until I asked about the pension.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Three women who were friends in high school have returned to their hometown to attend their 45th reunion and have lunch together. Their talk turns to their position in life, and there's a lot of one-upmanship going on.

The first woman says, "My husband is taking me to the French Riviera for two weeks," and then looks at the others with a superior demeanour.

The second woman says, "Well, my husband just bought me a new Mercedes." and looks about with considerable pride.

The third woman says, "Well, to...

A man with a winking problem is applying for a position

as a sales representative for a large firm.

The interviewer looks over his papers and says, "This is phenomenal. You’ve graduated from the best schools; your recommendations are wonderful, and your experience is unparalleled. Normally, we’d hire you without a second thought. However, a sales...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My favorite sex position is called the "96."

It used to be called the "69," but the cost of eating out has gone up.

Tatooine Air Traffic Controller: "Jedi 41, Tatooine Tower, confirm your current position you appear to be lost"

Captain Yoda: "Of course I am"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My Amish girlfriend only likes missionary sex. I tried to get her to try other positions.

But all she does is cum plain.

I was really excited when I picked up a book titled “69 Mating positions”.

Turns out it was about chess.

When passing wind, farting if you will, in a sitting position, are you left cheek dominate or right cheek dominate?

In otherwords, which way do you lean?

I have always thought of myself as a positive person.

Now thanks to COVID-19 I have proof!

Wife’s favorite position

I’ve discovered that my wife’s favorite position in bed is doggy style....
I sit up and beg while she rolls over and plays dead...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My therapist told me that it's important to spread positivity.

Which has saved me a bunch of money on condoms.

Double Positives

An MIT linguistics professor was lecturing his class the other day. "In English," he said, "a double negative forms a positive. However, in some languages, such as Russian, a double negative remains a negative. But there isn't a single language, not one, in which a double positive can express a nega...

I heard that Prince Charles tested positive for Covid-19

Looks like he got coronated at last!

Today I decided to give up most of the internet and turned to Reddit for some positivity.

That’s it. That’s the joke.

[But legit Reddit is more positive than most of the rest of the internet. Despite our worst intentions.]

My fortune cookie said that something positive would happen to me this week and it finally happened!!!

Guys do you know what this coronavirus thing is?

I was a bit depressed so I surrounded myself with positive people

Now I am at the hospital.

A bright young executive had just been hired as the new CEO of a large high tech firm. The CEO who was stepping down met with him privately and handed him three numbered envelopes.

“Open these if you run up against a problem you don’t think you can handle,” he said.

Well, things went along pretty smoothly, but six months later, sales took a nosedive and he was really catching a lot of heat from the board. At wit’s end, he remembered the envelopes. He went to his drawer ...

Now that Kimberly Guilfoyle tested positive for Covid Don Jr. won't be allowed anywhere near his father for the next two weeks.

Otherwise known as a normal 2 weeks.

R. Kelly in the news again--tested positive for the COVID-15 virus

...apparently COVID-19 was a little too old for him.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

It has been determined, the most used sexual position for married couples is the doggie position...

The husband sits up and begs.


The wife rolls over and plays dead.

Chuck Norris tested positive for COVID-19.

The virus is now in quarantine for two weeks.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Jews can’t handle positive reinforcement

In school they tried giving me a gold star. No way was I falling for that again.

Jake: I think I might be HIV positive

Paul: Omg I'm so sorry. How did you find out?

Jake: Well, I had accidentally come in someone's ear once, years ago. I saw her again yesterday

Paul: And..?

Jake: She has hearing AIDS now!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

She asked me, "Father, what is the church's position on fellatio?"

It reminded me of the first time I was asked that question. It was a lady who had just wedded.

I told her then, "I wish I can tell you, but I don't know what fellatio is." So then she showed me.

Now whenever anyone asks me that question, I tell them... "I wish I can tell you, but I do...

2019: Stay away from negative People

2020: Stay away from positive people

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man is sitting at a bar...

He has been there for three hours just nursing a beer with a shit eating grin on his face. The bartender (after noticing this man has purchased nothing more) walks up to him and says "Dude. You've been here forever with that warm beer, and that dumb smile. What the hell are you so happy about?" ...

A man in a hot air balloon realized he was lost. He reduced altitude and spotted a woman below. He descended a bit more and shouted, "Excuse me, can you help me?

I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am."

The woman below replied, "You are in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground.
You are between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude."

"...

The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate father to start their family.

On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife goodbye and said, "Well, I'm off now. The man should be here soon."

Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer happened to ring the doorbell, hoping to make a sale.

"Good morning, Ma'am", he ...

Did you hear Stephen Miller's wife tested positive for COVID?

It turns out swallowing vampire is as dangerous as eating bat.

Interviewer: Please explain this 4 year gap in your resume

Me: That was the time I was in Yale

Interviewer: Very impressive, we’d like to offer you the position

Me: Thanks, I really need this yob!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Positive attitude

Late in the night he regained consciousness.
He found himself in agonizing pain in the hospital's ICU, with tubes up his nose, wires monitoring every function and a gorgeous nurse hovering over him.
He realized he'd obviously been in a serious accident.
She gave him a deep look straight ...

My girlfriend got the coronavirus so I broke up with her. 2 weeks later, she’s seeing a new guy now and apparently he just tested positive. Be careful out there everyone, I guess what they say is true.

Ex gon give it to ya

How to get a position in the Trump Administration

Trump: How much is 2 + 2?

You: How much do you want it to be?

Trump: That's the kind of winning attitude I demand, welcome to my team!

A man's wife comes up to him with a positive pregnancy test...

"Are you kidding me!" she says.
"Yes."

R.Kelly has tested positive..

for SHEWASNT-19

With the beauty shop finally open after many weeks, there is a huge crowd of people all jostling for position to get in...

They really need a hair traffic controller.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The FBI had an open position for an assassin.

After all the background checks, interviews and testing were completed, they had narrowed the field down to 3 possible agents. For the final test, the FBI agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun.

"We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter wha...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I bought my friend four pregnancy tests and they all came out positive, and now she crying, she asked me..

“How the fuck am I going to feed four kids”

I was at the library the other day when I found a book called "The Power of Positive Thinking."

I thought "What good could that do?" so I put it back.

Hip-hop Music Artist Lil' Wayne announced that he's tested positive for COVID-19

The rapper said that he's okay and mostly recovered though, just a lil'weezy.

If your Doctor spoke like Trump

So it seems you’ve tested positive for the Chinese virus, the so-called Covid NINETEEN, the Corona—nobody knows what to call it, quite frankly. It’s the most amazing thing, no one knew anything about Corona until a few weeks ago.

But the moment I heard about it—the Wuhan flu; it’s also the W...

How does a Dolphin get his lady into missionary position?

Flipper

I don't understand it. My company told all employees to get tested for COVID-19, and to stay home until they get the test results. I got tested and called my boss to tell him I'm coming back to work on Monday. He asked me if I'm sure my test came back negative.

I told him I was positive. He told me to stay home.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A manager of a small restaurant just discovered that someone in their town tested positive for COVID-19

The manager calls a meeting of his three employees--an Italian, a Scottsman, and a Japanese man.

The manager says to the Italian, "Sanitize everything in the kitchen!"

The manager then says to the Scottsman, "Make new to-go flyers! All our new dishes need to be on there!"

The ma...

Time to spread positivity!

Edit: Later today I was arrested and detained at the HIV clinic.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

There are two statues in a park, one of a nude man and one of a nude woman. They had been facing each other across a pathway for a hundred years, when one day an angel comes down from the sky and, with a single gesture, brings the two to life.

The angel tells them, "As a reward for being so patient through a hundred blazing summers and dismal winters, you have been given life for thirty minutes to do what you've wished to do the most."

He looks at her, she looks at him, and they go running behind the shrubbery. The angel waits pat...

Harvey Weinstein tests positive for coronavirus while in jail.

He probably thought 19 in COVID-19 meant age.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

CDC: Mr. President, two Brazilian diplomats have tested positive for the coronavirus.

Trump: Holy shit! (pause) How many is a "brazilian"?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Seven Lessons of Life

**Lesson 1:**

A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower when the doorbell rings. The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next door neighbour. Before she says a word, Bob says, “I’ll give y...

After 2 years of keeping braces, I finally had them taken off.

Me: So how do they look?

Dentist: Damn, your teeth are so straight and white they were offered positions in Trump's cabinet.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The man started by running his hand across her shoulders and the small of her back. He ran his hand over her breasts, touching them very lightly.Then, he proceeded to run his hand gently down her side, sliding his hand over her stomach, and then down the other side below her waist.

He continued on, gently feeling her hips, first one side and the other. His hand ran further down the outside of her thighs.His gentle stroking then started up the inside of her left thigh, stopped and then returned to do the same to her right thigh.

By this time the woman was becoming arouse...

My local neighbourhood committee leader lost his position recently

Needless to say he was dis-appointed

A new navy recruit has his first day on a submarine

He speaks with his officer who assigns him his post.

"Go stand at the periscope entry-way, and make sure no unauthorized personnel touch the periscope."

The recruit follows orders, and stands by the periscope. After 15 minutes, the officer stops by.

"Son I'm changing your post t...

Harvey Weinstein tests positive for Coronavirus....

...And Herpes, chlamydia, gonorrhoea, crabs and papilloma virus.

I just admitted to my wife that I have been confirmed COVID19 positive.

She said that this puts a real strain on our relationship.

What position does a baby plant serve in the army?

Infant tree

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Quick 69 and Then Off To The Dentist

After a excitingly hot 69 position with his girlfriend , Jerry remembered he had a dentist Appointment

He was afraid the dentist would smell Pussy on his breath! So he brushed his teeth several times Gargled ½ a liter of Listerine and used dental floss as well
As he arrived at the dentist ...

My friend always lives by this Motto "Surround yourself with positive people"

They tested him positive yesterday. Get well soon my friend!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man met a beautiful and nice lady and he decided he wanted to marry her right away.

A man met a beautiful and nice lady and he decided he wanted to marry her right away. She said, "But we don't know anything about each other." He said, "That's all right, we'll learn about each other as we go along." So she consented, and they were married, and went on a honeymoon to a very nice res...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

One day, all the parts of the body were talking about who was most important.

THE BRAIN SAID – “Since I control everything and do all the thinking, I am the most important therefore I should be boss.”

THE FEET SAID – “Since I carry him everywhere he wants to go and get him in position to do what the brain wants, I am the most important.”

THE EYES SAID – “Since I...

I'm really trying to spread positivity

But once I test positive I'm told not to spread it

What's god's favourite position?

Reverse dog style.

After testing positive in Tuscaloosa, my uncle Reamus ran out of ICU naked into the woods...

He checked back in two days later, covered in tick bites. I asked him what the hell he was thinking.

He replied, "Well... your Daddy's gonna die the way he lived: Corona and Lyme"

Boris Johnson has just tested positive for corona virus.

He’s been placed on the new Dyson ventilator we are pleased to say he’s picking up nicely.

[Nsfw] "Dad what is 69?" asks son

Dad: Well son, it a position where a man and women pleasure each other orally.
Son: So what shall I write? Odd or even.

Millionaire Blondy

A blonde woman walks into a bank in New York City before going on vacation and asks for a $5,000 loan.

The banker asks, "Okay, miss, is there anything you would like to use as collateral?"

The woman says, "Yes, of course. I'll use my Rolls Royce."

The banker, stunned, asks, "A $...

I dont know why but when I adjusted my sleeping position

Everyone at the cremetory freaked out.

Man, they ruined a good sleep

Replace the negative with the positive.......

and next time put the battery in right the first time.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I was just wondering how different professions have given us words and phrases that mean sex, sexual positions or related to sex

Carpenter or other handy man - screw, bang, pound, nail, lay, grease, hose, pile, hammer, pipe

Sportsmen - score, hit, home run, game, ball, balls deep, knock it out

zookeeper or animal lover - hump, bone, beast, doggy style, monkey love, ram, raw dog

singers and other musical -...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Store boy

In a Store a man asked for 1/2 kg of butter.

The salesperson, a young boy, said that only 1kg packs were available in the Store, but the man insisted on buying only 1/2 kg.

So the boy went inside to the manager's room and said "An idiot outside wants to buy only 1/2 kg of butter".
<...

The positive news of the day

Harvey Weinstein

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man was having problems with premature ejaculation. This was affecting marital relations with his wife so he decided to go to the doctor. He asked the doctor what he could do to cure his problem.

In response the doctor said, “When you feel the urge to ejaculate, try startling yourself.”

On the way home the man went to a gun store and bought himself a starter pistol. All excited to try out this suggestion he ran home to his wife. When he got home he was surprised and delighted to find...

I'm positive that there's something slightly off about the sound of this theremin...

...but I just can't put my finger on it.

Tom Hanks and his wife Rita have tested positive for COVID-19.

It's not the first time he's been in isolation with a Wilson.

You tested positive for the Coronavirus. Which do you prefer? A robot or a caregiver in a hazmat suit wearing a diaper?

It depends.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A lady who is cheating on her husband

There's a lady who is cheating on her husband. One day while they are having sex she hears her husband pull into the driveway. Her boyfriend says "oh no! What should we do?!" She says "hurry! Get dressed and go to the living room!" Once they're in the living room she starts sprinkling baby powder al...

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.