Help, I'm a Democrat who has a very specific fetish of looking at foreign dictators resting on top of crackers and I'm looking for people into the same as me...

So if you're Blue and you don't know what to search for why don't you look were Fascists sits... Putin on the Ritz

Can we please stop doing women specific jokes, especially about menstruation?

They aren't funny, period.

If you frequently eat a specific type of cereal .

That means you are a cereal killer.

You can actually file a lawsuit against the federal government in the United States. It's a myth that you can't. All you have to do is simply take some specific medication.

And that medication, my friends, is Sudafed®

I had to see a psychiatrist recently after becoming obsessed with a specific shade of purple

Apparently I’m Plum Crazy

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Difficult things to say when Drunk. 1. Innovative 2.Preliminary 3.Cinnamon. Very Difficult things to say when Drunk. 1.Specificity 2.Passive-disorder 3.Transubstantiate

Things that are just down right impossible to say when drunk.
1.No thanks, I’m married.
2.Nope, no more for me.
3.No, I don’t want to see your tits.

I'm a very big Oasis fan, specifically Wonderwall. I sing it all the time. My girlfriend hates it though, so she asked me to stop singing it.

I said maybe.

This is a joke we tell in Armenian, I think it comes out well in English too.

Little Johnny is in school one day when his teacher tells the class that she wants to hear each of them say a little about their families, and specifically what is needed in their lives.

The first student is a little girl, she stands up and says "my family is mostly happy but what we really n...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A woman grants her mother's unusual dying wish.

She specifically requested pictures of her right foot be sent to an address in Rhode Island.

A couple of days later, she realizes that reversed pictures of her mother's *left* foot were sent instead. Unsure of the importance, but determined to fulfill her wishes, the woman travels to Rhode Is...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My friend, who studies mice, wanted a specific rodent to complete his collection.

He asked me to find one for him. I searched far and wide for a homosexual rodent of the Ming subspecies (that was his request).

After a few months, I found a rodent that matched his request. But when I gave it to him, he slapped me.

I was shocked. "Why did you slap me?", I asked out of...

So our boss just banned overly specific nicknames.

Now our whole office is staring at Rat Snitch Brian The Good Time Ruiner

One day God calls down to Noah and says, "Noah me old mate, I want you to make me a new Ark".

Noah replies, "No probs God, me old Supreme Being, anything you want after all you're the boss...

But God interrupts, "Ah, but there's a catch. This time Noah, I do not want just a couple of decks, I want 20 decks one on top of the other".

"20 DECKS!", screams Noah. "Well, OK Big ...

Today I learned Italians have more than 250 specific hand gestures to communicate non-verbally, I asked my German friend if they had anything like it in Germany..

He said they have one but they are not allowed to use it

A man got in a taxi and asked to drop by a specific location.

The taxi driver said ok and drove for 5 minutes, and suddenly took a few wrong turns. The man thought to himself "does he not know where it is?" And tap the driver on the shoulder. The driver suddenly, started to panic and screaming, while trying to avoid cars and rail guards, almost hitting a bus f...

One of my art students made a voodoo doll of me after I SPECIFICALLY told her not to.

I feel like I've been stabbed in the back.

A physicist, engineer and a statistician are out hunting...

A physicist, engineer and a statistician are out hunting. Suddenly, a deer appears 50 yards away.

The physicist does some basic ballistic calculations, assuming a vacuum, lifts his rifle to a specific angle, and shoots. The bullet lands 5 yards short.

The engineer adds a fudge factor f...

I need glasses so I can see my family.

Specifically, 3 glasses of scotch.

Figured out my million dollar idea. It’s a shampoo specifically for men’s genitalia.

I’m calling it Head And Boulders!

As soon as Don Cappelli and his thugs entered Mario’s restaurant

...all of the guests immediately stopped what they were doing and quietly left. Don Cappelli’s face was very well-known around the city, and while he was ‘saving’ business after business from going bankrupt and helping families at their time of need, nobody dared ask where his money came from, nor d...

In the early 1970s, researchers discovered that a certain enzyme in a specific breed of seagull chicks granted dolphins that ate them a dramatically increased lifespan…

Hoping that this could be made viable for humans, they started extensive testing.

Unfortunately, the breed of gulls wasn't native to the area around their laboratory.

They sent a research assistant up the coast to gather additional specimens.

On his way back with a truckload o...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I entered a gameshow to win a million dollars...

The gameshow required guessing the unknown using your five senses.

In round one, I stuck my hand into a covered box and guess what was inside by feel. Without hesitation I knew it was seaweed and tinfoil. I would know that feeling anywhere.

In round two, we were paired and had to guess...

I called the library and asked if they could tell me when the Mesozoic Era started.

She said, "About 250 million years ago."

I said, "Could you be more specific? It's for homework."

She said, "Hang on a minute."

She came back and said, "It started September 17, two-hundred and fifty-one million years BC."

A joke is like a frog…

When you dissect it, it dies.

Get it? Just like a frog dies when you dissect it, so does a joke when you explain it. Basically, the frog is used as an analogy, to help people understand that jokes shouldn’t be explained, because the joke will die, or more specifically, become unfunny.

...

The only vacuum I use is the one made specifically for made for antivax parents...

Dyson

I have a bank account specifically for my marijuana purchases.

I call it my Joint bank account.

I’ve been researching primates, specifically rhesus macaques, and learned that they aren’t “born”; they’re assembled from scratch.

They start off as rhesus pieces.

Did you know there's a Specific type of tin used on buses that when not treated properly can give off toxins that'll leach into your skin giving some hallucinogenic side effects

TL;dr Bus tin makes me feel good

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

When the bathroom is closed at the local bar, a man makes a bet with the bartender [Longish Story]

"Sorry sir, the bathroom is closed. You will have to go elsewhere", stated the bartender.

"Elsewhere, you say?" said the man, the wheels slowly clanking into place in his head forming an idea. He ushers the man into the closed bathroom by the sink. "Since I can't pee in this toilet like my gr...

TIL: My new boss has a bizarrely specific number fetish and almost everyone knows

He's a four man.

Male cheetahs have a specific bark that causes female cheetahs to ovulate 'on-demand.'

Because you still can't trust them. They're cheetahs.

Boo me all you like, I just made it up.

I was at the local library trying to find a specific sound for my video project; that of a displeased audience. I was repeatedly listening to a variety of samples through the miniature speakers on the desk.

Unbeknownst to me, a lady who was sat at the desk in the next cubicle was growing irr...

Two women go to Spain to buy a bull...

Two women got sent to Spain from America to buy a bull for a wealthy Rancher.

They have a great time travelling and sight seeing.
They lose themselves in the fun and end up spending all of their bull-purchasing money buying match tickets to watch the El Classico. Once the euphoria is over,...

A man buys a religious horse.

One day, a man goes horse buying. He comes across a farmer who happens to be selling a horse 2 miles away from his house.

The man goes to the farmers ranch and inspects the horse. After looking at the horses mouth, legs, tail, and anything else one may imagine, he decides to buy the horse....

John runs a booming 5-star hotel business in his town.

One day, a bald headed guy comes to his hotel and asks for Room 690 specifically.

"But sir, that room is already occupied. We could give you another room."

"I'll pay you ten times more. I need that room."

John, obviously lured by the money, gives him the room. But the bald head...

How many members of a specified demographic does it take to complete a particular task?

A finite quantity. One to complete the specific task and the remainder to act in a manner stereotypical of persons from said demographic.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Soda Called Sup

Back in the 80's, the Coca-Cola company sold Sup, a combination of Sprite, 7 Up, and a secret ingredient that was never revealed. It was a beloved beverage that was unfortunately discontinued within a couple months and without any intention of going back on store shelves. People started buying Sup l...

A bumblebee rushes to the airport, running late for his flight

A bumblebee suddenly wakes up in a cold sweat, realizing he has overslept and is about to miss his connecting flight home after a successful overseas business trip. He makes a mad rush to the airport, suitcase in one hand, passport and airline ticket in the other. His tie flaps loose and unstraighte...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

3 Ugly Dudes

3 ugly guys were sick and tired of being ugly so they went to see a witch and ask for her advice.

The witch instructs the three to go to one specific bridge, jump off of it and while falling, yell how they want to look like. They could even simply name any celebrity and look like them.
...

How big is the specific ocean?

Sorry, could you be a little more pacific.

My GPS is difficult to use whenever I try to look up specific coordinates.

It has a bad latitude.

I developed a line of condition-specific get well cards for hypochondriacs with the theme " I had what you had..."

Only worse.

A woman orders a very specific tea at a local cafe however the waitress mistakenly brings her a different one...

When the woman takes a sip of it, she notices this and tells the waitress that this is flavor is not her cup of tea.

Is it wrong to hate a specific race

Because I really hate marathons

Why is radio news never specific?

It’s a broadcast.

What do you call a concern about a specific time you may have booked on Native American property?

A reservation reservation reservation.

An Irish Whaler (Long)

There was once an Irish whaler. Like Ahab, he had a particular nemesis whom he had hunted most of his life. Old and gnarled, he declared one more quest to vanquish his foe before descending into his Mother Earth.

Unlike Ahab however, revenge was not his only motive. This particular whale a...

Which body of water always gives the exact details?

The Specific Ocean.

Did you hear about the software update Apple released specifically for pirates?

It was an iPatch.

why is it general kenobi and not specific kenobi ?

only a sith deals in absolutes

A husband and wife visit a marriage counselor. First, the wife speaks to the counselor alone.

The counselor asks her, “You say you’ve been married 20 years. So what seems to be the problem?”

“The wife replies, “It’s my husband. He’s driving me crazy! I’m going to leave him if he continues!”
“How does he drive you crazy?”
“For 20 years,” she says, “he’s been doing these stupid th...

Say what you will about Trump's Presidency, but you can't overlook what he has accomplished in terms of healthcare specifically life expectancy...

He managed to turn one year into something that feels like an eternity.

Ive been writing a book specifically for the blind.

My wife asked me how it was going and I said, " I think I brailed it."

A man walks into a bar for illiterate people. The bartender says, "Don't you hate it when people tell jokes that have specific details about situations that would never happen in real life, just so they can make some dumb pun?" The man, nodding, replies,

"I no write."

I specifically asked for no mayo on my sandwich.

What the Hellman

A Samoan man gave me a detailed history and explanation of his heritage, culture, and the country in which he was raised

Those specific islanders!

Cavemen had a specific reason for dragging their women by the hair...

...they filled up with dirt when drug the other way.

I once met a guy who asked me “aren’t you that guy who brags about really weird, specific stuff?”

I then replied “No, I’m the guy with the longest garden hose in the county.”

A guy went to museum to see a dinosaur bone exhibit.

A guy went to a museum to see a dinosaur bone exhibit. He walks around the galleries and is quite impressed by the reconstruction of these ancient animals--a T-rex, a triceratops and more. He sees a guy who works for the museum standing near one of them and says to him. "They're quite a sight. H...

My university demanded we use a specific type of notebook

It's college rule

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Apple is releasing a new Virtual-reality headset specifically for VR porn.

They are calling it:The iFap

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A giraffe walks into a restaurant...

He asks the waiter, "Do you have any food specifically for giraffes?"

The waiter thinks for a second and comes back with a plate of spaghetti with the longest fork you've ever seen.

"Asshole!" the giraffe says, and he walks out.

The next day, a penguin walks into the restauran...

A guy who is blind in his left eye and a guy who is blind in his right eye decide to team up.

After they combine forces, they realize they weren’t specific enough.

Guy number 1 turns to guy number 2 and says "Didn’t see that coming."

A young man wants to become a lumberjack, so he goes to the forest and starts chopping.

After a few days of doing this, he realizes he is simply not fit for this type of job. On his final day of trying to chop down trees, he notices an old scrawny man chopping down trees as if he was a woodpecker, the amount of hits he made grew more and more each swing. The first swing was one hit, th...

I have a litter of Pomeranian puppies specifically nurtured to look like a French loaf, 500$ per pupper

Please don’t ask me to go lower on the price, they are *pure bread*

My mom thinks I need to stop objectifying women, I think she is overreacting.

She asked why I broke up with the last girl and I said

"It didn't work out."

She told me to be more specific so I said

"I just told you, she didn't exercise."

A man was searching for a specific pizza

A man was searching for a specific kind of pizza. He wanted to have a pizza that was folded in half before baking.
He searched for such a pizza around the world, until finally he heard of a pizzeria that served such pizzas, the pizzeria was located near a huge radio telescope.
Due to the r...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An old guy is not able to get his younger wife to cum

and therefor they decide to get some help from a sex therapist. So they sit in front of this therapist and the therapist says “the problem is obvious. I know how to help. You need to search at Craigslist for a specific kind of man. He needs to be tall, athletic and needs to have a dick that makes a ...

Two women approach the front door to a dads-only bar

The younger of the two asks "Mom, what the hell are we even doing?"

Mom responds "I know, it's dumb, but thanks for agreeing to come with me. My dad was very specific in his will about how his ashes would be spread. This place is number 1 on the list. He'd been coming here for the longest tim...

This Unicode technical specification is extremely dull reading

But it does have many interesting characters.

How long is an Asian name

More specifically, it’s Vietnamese/ Chinese

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two Belgians walk into a police precinct

and say: "Our Dutch friend is missing. Please help us."

Officer: "Can you describe him to me?"

Belgians: "He's tall, has blue eyes and blonde hair"

Officer: "You described half the Netherlands with this. You got anything more specific?"

Belgians: "Yeah, he has an extra p...

My Dad told me specifically not to touch the keyboard...I pressed Ctrl-B

It was a bold move

You might have to be more specific when using the word "cousin".

It's just such a relative term.

A bilingual joke! (English/Spanish)

A Spanish man goes into a department store looking for a specific item of clothing. But he can't find what he's looking for and he doesn't know the English word for it.

So he grabs a salesperson and says, "Tienes calcetines?"

"I'm sorry, I don't know what that is," the salesperson says...

Are you aware the the Quran specifically forbids dating Gorillas?

It turns out you're not supposed to have a Haram Bae.

Safety critical software

I am a software engineer and I work on safety critical software (I design autonomous vehicles). I travel around the world, speaking at various software engineering conferences. I was recently invited to speak at the premier aviation conference in the world on the subject of writing safety critical s...

In life, sometimes it's not good to be very specific.

For instance, it's okay to say "I love kids" but it's frowned upon to say "I love 12 year olds."

How to name a virus... WHO version:

WHO HQ in 2003:
: There’s a new type of corona virus outbreak in Guangdong province in China.
: Let's call it Severe Acute Respiratory Syndrome aka SARS.
: Excellent name. It does not refer to any specific location or people. So no one will be blamed or feared for it.

Also WHO ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Man walks into a bar on the roof of the Time Warner Center

After a few drinks he looks across at the second tower with awe, and notices a gentleman with black glasses doing the same. "Pretty cool, huh?" He says to him.

"Oh, you don't know the half of it...Did you know they specifically engineered these buildings to catch the wind and create an updraf...

This man is a genius

There’s a man on a search for a A very specific magic lamp this particular magic lamp grants the person who finds it three wishes like all other magic lamps but it will also grant the persons significant other the same wish times two. After years of searching he finally finds it. Genie appears and t...

This is a test.

This test only has one question, but it's a very important one. By giving an honest answer, you will discover where you stand morally.

The test features an unlikely, completely fictional situation in which you will have to make a decision. Only you will know the results, so remember that your...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I was having trouble sleeping..

I've been having trouble sleeping, not getting good sleep, etc, so I went to the doctor and told them I've been having trouble in the bedroom. We chatted for a few minutes without getting into anything specifIc, he was being kind of vague for some reason. Anyway, he gave me a script for some pills a...

Make a pair of scissors, specifically designed to cut paper, made out of sharpened stone.

Call them "Rock Paper Scissors."

My younger brother took his life 3 years ago. Always a comedian, here’s his cheesiest joke

Farmesan the dairy farmer is feeling bleu because of a string of falls he's been suffering. He calls up his doctor, Dr. Edam JaColby, and tells him "Doc, I'm in so much paineer!"and schedules an appointment. So Farmesan carephilly stumbles over to the clinic. "You mozzarella needed to see me cause y...

TIL Every animal has its own specific mating call

A bird sings, a frog croaks, a badger clickets, a grasshopper chirps, a deer croons, and I beg.

It's difficult to get anything specific out of a bedding expert...

...since they're always making blanket statements

They're marketing headphones specifically for gorillas now

Rumor has it they'll be called Harambeats.

I'm so sorry.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Apple wanted to introduce a line of phones specifically for children.

But they scrapped it, 'ITouch Kids' just didn't seem right.

Heard this somewhere a while back. Don't think it was here. Thought you guys might like it.

A Man Worked at a Gardening Factory

At this gardening factory, at the back, there was a large pile of dirt. All the employees were told they could have as much of this dirt as they wanted or needed.

This specific man would take on wheelbarrow of dirt out of the factory each day. The security guard began to get suspicious, think...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

It's amazing what modern medicine can achieve

A sexually active middle aged woman informed her plastic surgeon that she wanted her vaginal lips reduced in size because, over the years they have become loose and floppy..


Out of embarrassment, she insisted that the surgery be kept a secret and of course the surgeon agreed.
<...

I recently subscribed to Asian Maritime History Monthly...

but haven't received a single issue. Then I remembered I had "No junk mail" on my door.


This is the worst, super specific pun I've come up with so far.

control tower: What are your coordinates?

**me:** I’m by a cloud that looks like a lion

**control tower:** can you be more specific?

**me:** Mufasa

Playboy is starting a new magazine specifically for married men.

It has the same centerfold every month!

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.