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Specific Jokes

I'm opening a funeral parlor for people of no specific faith

I'm calling it "Die Agnostic Services."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Should've been more specific

Bob was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was really pissed.

She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE !!"

The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife w...

Is it wrong to hate a specific race

Because I really hate marathons

First day as a pilot. Control tower: Can you give me your position? Me: I am next to a cloud that looks like a lion. Control tower: Can you be more specific?

Me: Simba

Why did they pick that specific joystick for Titan?

Because it's sub standard.

A man asks an architect a very specific question.

"My best friend needs to know what the name is for a rigid structure projecting from a vertical support," he tells him. "And if he can't find out by tomorrow his wife will file for a divorce."

The architect says, "Cantilever."

The man says, "Of course he can, but it'll probably make hi...

I'm using vibration and oscillation in specific frequencies to impart information

It might seem far-fetched, but the idea is sound.

You know who’s more specific than me?

Some other dude.

What did the man say that hated a very specific circular coral reef that had water in its center?

"I don't like this atoll."

I heard Tom Hanks and Meg Ryan are working on a new film made specifically for the blind.

It's called "You've Got Braille"

Leslie Nielsen auditioned for a specific role in Harry Potter.

But the casting director, unsure who this old actor was, told him :
— Shirley, you can't be Sirius.

I started brewing beer specifically for certain professions. The first two batches were brewed for lumberjacks and bellhops.

A lager and a porter.

Can we please stop doing women specific jokes, especially about menstruation?

They aren't funny, period.

The least specific name for a “Friends” episode:

“The one where Rachel’s nipples were erect”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

80% of people masturbate in the shower, the rest sings a very specific song. Do you know what song that is?

No? Then I know what you’re doing in the shower

Oddly Specific Historical Humour

Below is the program for the November 7th, 1917 performance of the Bolshoi Ballet:



Dance

Dance

Revolution

Which specific body part makes a ton of movie blockbusters?

This knee.

so I am currently working on a new Cologne as a little side project! it's aimed specifically at introverts, and while I don't have a definitive smell, I got the name down.

"Leave Me The Fuh Cologne"

The Bible and the Quran tell us to love each other

The Kamasutra is more specific.

Our boss just banned overly specific nicknames

and the whole office is staring at Rat Snitch Brian The Good Time Ruiner

How big is the specific ocean?

Sorry, could you be a little more pacific.

I specifically asked for no mayo on my sandwich.

What the Hellman

I am tired of keeping track of so many pronouns. Apparently now they have specific pronouns for Russian army....

was/were

When a mine shaft collapses it’s known to make a specific musical tone when the air rushes through the tunnels. What note is it?

A flat miner

Why is radio news never specific?

It’s a broadcast.

Did you hear about the new company that makes audiobooks specifically for deaf people?

They're called Inaudible.

I knew a man whose work focused specifically on designing draw bridges...

of course, this was before his suspension.

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Our Boss just banned extremely specific nicknames

and now we are all waiting for Tattletale Dwight the Rat Snitch Good Time Ruiner to come back from Red Knee Nancy the Cocksuck Vending Machine's cubicle.

A man was searching for a specific pizza

A man was searching for a specific kind of pizza. He wanted to have a pizza that was folded in half before baking.
He searched for such a pizza around the world, until finally he heard of a pizzeria that served such pizzas, the pizzeria was located near a huge radio telescope.
Due to the r...

In life, sometimes it's not good to be very specific.

For instance, it's okay to say "I love kids" but it's frowned upon to say "I love 12 year olds."

My mom thinks I need to stop objectifying women, I think she is overreacting.

She asked why I broke up with the last girl and I said

"It didn't work out."

She told me to be more specific so I said

"I just told you, she didn't exercise."

why is it general kenobi and not specific kenobi ?

only a sith deals in absolutes

[Unashamed Dad Joke] What do you call an android that was designed specifically to move a small wooden boat around?

A row-bot.

I got fired from my job as a masseur.

There wasn't any specific incident, apparently I just rub people the wrong way.

Studies say most stabbings are committed by someone close to the victim.

Within arm's length, to be specific.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My friend, who studies mice, wanted a specific rodent to complete his collection.

He asked me to find one for him. I searched far and wide for a homosexual rodent of the Ming subspecies (that was his request).

After a few months, I found a rodent that matched his request. But when I gave it to him, he slapped me.

I was shocked. "Why did you slap me?", I asked out of...

Cavemen had a specific reason for dragging their women by the hair...

...they filled up with dirt when drug the other way.

Ive been writing a book specifically for the blind.

My wife asked me how it was going and I said, " I think I brailed it."

My university demanded we use a specific type of notebook

It's college rule

Did you hear about the software update Apple released specifically for pirates?

It was an iPatch.

I had to see a psychiatrist recently after becoming obsessed with a specific shade of purple

Apparently I’m Plum Crazy

Did you know that humans, like elephants have evolved a very specific call to warn others about bees they have encountered?

Want to hear what it sounds like?

-


-



-


“BEES!”

Male cheetahs have a specific bark that causes female cheetahs to ovulate 'on-demand.'

Because you still can't trust them. They're cheetahs.

Figured out my million dollar idea. It’s a shampoo specifically for men’s genitalia. (nsfw)

I’m calling it Head And Boulders!

This Unicode technical specification is extremely dull reading

But it does have many interesting characters.

They're marketing headphones specifically for gorillas now

Rumor has it they'll be called Harambeats.

I'm so sorry.

TIL: My new boss has a bizarrely specific number fetish and almost everyone knows

He's a four man.

When I was young, my father required me to play one specific song on the drum kit perfectly before I could be called a man

It was a cymbalic right-of-passage

TIL Every animal has its own specific mating call

A bird sings, a frog croaks, a badger clickets, a grasshopper chirps, a deer croons, and I beg.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

"Doc, my butt hurts"

"Where specifically does it hurt?"

"Right around the entrance"

"Yeah well that's the exit. As long as you think it's an entrance, it'll continue to hurt"

My GPS is difficult to use whenever I try to look up specific coordinates.

It has a bad latitude.

Are you aware the the Quran specifically forbids dating Gorillas?

It turns out you're not supposed to have a Haram Bae.

You might have to be more specific when using the word "cousin".

It's just such a relative term.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Apple is releasing a new Virtual-reality headset specifically for VR porn.

They are calling it:The iFap

It's difficult to get anything specific out of a bedding expert...

...since they're always making blanket statements

My Dad told me specifically not to touch the keyboard...I pressed Ctrl-B

It was a bold move

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Apple wanted to introduce a line of phones specifically for children.

But they scrapped it, 'ITouch Kids' just didn't seem right.

Heard this somewhere a while back. Don't think it was here. Thought you guys might like it.

Playboy is starting a new magazine specifically for married men.

It has the same centerfold every month!

I’m binging a TV show for free on Amazon, but it won’t let me watch certain episodes. Specifically episode number 2, 3, 5, 7, 11, 13, 17, 19, 23, 29, 31, 37, 41, 43, 47, 53, 59, 61, 67, 71, 73, 79, 83, 89, and 97.

Those are only available on Amazon Prime.

Help, I'm a Democrat who has a very specific fetish of looking at foreign dictators resting on top of crackers and I'm looking for people into the same as me...

So if you're Blue and you don't know what to search for why don't you look were Fascists sits... Putin on the Ritz

A woman orders a very specific tea at a local cafe however the waitress mistakenly brings her a different one...

When the woman takes a sip of it, she notices this and tells the waitress that this is flavor is not her cup of tea.

Today I learned Italians have more than 250 specific hand gestures to communicate non-verbally, I asked my German friend if they had anything like it in Germany..

He said they have one but they are not allowed to use it

I once met a guy who asked me “aren’t you that guy who brags about really weird, specific stuff?”

I then replied “No, I’m the guy with the longest garden hose in the county.”

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