First day as a pilot. Control tower: Can you give me your position? Me: I am next to a cloud that looks like a lion. Control tower: Can you be more specific?

Me: Simba

[Unashamed Dad Joke] What do you call an android that was designed specifically to move a small wooden boat around?

A row-bot.

I'm using vibration and oscillation in specific frequencies to impart information

It might seem far-fetched, but the idea is sound.

When I was young, my father required me to play one specific song on the drum kit perfectly before I could be called a man

It was a cymbalic right-of-passage

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Should've been more specific

Bob was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was really pissed.

She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE !!"

The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife w...

Did you hear about the new company that makes audiobooks specifically for deaf people?

They're called Inaudible.

The Holy Bible tells us to love one another.

The Kama Sutra is more specific.

Which specific body part makes a ton of movie blockbusters?

This knee.

Did you know that humans, like elephants have evolved a very specific call to warn others about bees they have encountered?

Want to hear what it sounds like?

-


-



-


“BEES!”

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Rectal Glaucoma

One morning, a man calls his boss to tell him he'll be out sick. The boss presses for specifics, and the man says, "Sir, I have rectal glaucoma." "And what does that mean?" asks the boss.

The man replies, "I just can't see my ass coming in to work today."

I’m binging a TV show for free on Amazon, but it won’t let me watch certain episodes. Specifically episode number 2, 3, 5, 7, 11, 13, 17, 19, 23, 29, 31, 37, 41, 43, 47, 53, 59, 61, 67, 71, 73, 79, 83, 89, and 97.

Those are only available on Amazon Prime.

The least specific name for a “Friends” episode:

“The one where Rachel’s nipples were erect”

I knew a man whose work focused specifically on designing draw bridges...

of course, this was before his suspension.

Can we please stop doing women specific jokes, especially about menstruation?

They aren't funny, period.

Help, I'm a Democrat who has a very specific fetish of looking at foreign dictators resting on top of crackers and I'm looking for people into the same as me...

So if you're Blue and you don't know what to search for why don't you look were Fascists sits... Putin on the Ritz

Joe Biden was having his first briefing as president with the joint chiefs of staff. The topic was the an impending alien invasion, and more specifically an invasion by the aliens known as “the greys”

CIA director: “Sir, we have reason to believe that the greys are becoming a serious problem.”

Biden: “Really? Come on man. I mean, my wife has said that a couple times but I think they’re OK”

DOD director: “OK? Sir, if we don’t eliminate them all immediately, we may find ourselves in s...

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A Russian an American and an Asian guy start a business

A Russian an American and an Asian guy decided to start a business together they decided they would assign each other with a specific job

The American was put in charge of advertisement

The Russian was put in charge of management

And the Asian was put in charge of supplies
...

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Prostate check

I went to see a doctor the other day about getting my prostate checked. The rude bastard told me to never come back!
Well specifically he said “this is the third time this week, and the last. I’m a fucking podiatrist” blah blah blah.

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I applied to the police academy

The academy head approached me "I am afraid I have to decline your application".

"What's the problem?"

"Your family history. Specifically your mother and father."

"My parents are happily married."

"That's the problem. All cops are bastards."

I got fired from my job as a masseur.

There wasn't any specific incident, apparently I just rub people the wrong way.

An older couple are working together in their home office and the old man figures out that he needs a specific business document out of the office safe...

As he’s looking through numerous documents, he comes across their marriage license. Instantly, he is overcome with frustration when he realizes a missing detail.

“This is terrible! There’s no expiration date on our marriage license!”

The wife turns around from her work and reaches aro...

Where do you find a particular type of whale?

In the Specific Ocean

An English woman finds out her husband is cheating on her

She is distraught, fueled by anger - so much so that she decides the only course of action is to have him killed. In her grief, she contacts and old friend who works amongst the criminal underbelly of London. He recommends she seek out a specific hitman, known in the business as Big Artie. He is eff...

You can actually file a lawsuit against the federal government in the United States. It's a myth that you can't. All you have to do is simply take some specific medication.

And that medication, my friends, is Sudafed®

After earning his DDS; a dentist went and opened up his own practice.

He became widely known for his amazing skills, and was highly praised + recommended by every patient he ever had. One year; he was nominated for (and won) a prestigious medical award. Inscribed upon its ornate surface was his name and the specific honor: “Global Recognition of Outstanding Surgical S...

Today I learned Italians have more than 250 specific hand gestures to communicate non-verbally, I asked my German friend if they had anything like it in Germany..

He said they have one but they are not allowed to use it

Figured out my million dollar idea. It’s a shampoo specifically for men’s genitalia. (nsfw)

I’m calling it Head And Boulders!

A geologist was driving down a country road

A geologist was driving down a country road when he saw this beautiful rock formation. He pulled over to get a closer look. As he was admiring the rock, an old farmer drove up. The geologist asked if he knew how long the rock had been here.

The farmer says "in fact, I do! It's a million and ...

A Preist, a Pastor, and a Rabbit

A preist, a pastor, and a rabbit walk into a blood donation clinic. The nurse at the front desk notices them waiting and asks them if they know their blood types; they're very low on specific types of blood, as usual.

The rabbit hurriedly hops up and says "Yep, I'm a type A-."

The nurs...

A man got in a taxi and asked to drop by a specific location.

The taxi driver said ok and drove for 5 minutes, and suddenly took a few wrong turns. The man thought to himself "does he not know where it is?" And tap the driver on the shoulder. The driver suddenly, started to panic and screaming, while trying to avoid cars and rail guards, almost hitting a bus f...

I had to see a psychiatrist recently after becoming obsessed with a specific shade of purple

Apparently I’m Plum Crazy

I'm a very big Oasis fan, specifically Wonderwall. I sing it all the time. My girlfriend hates it though, so she asked me to stop singing it.

I said maybe.

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My friend, who studies mice, wanted a specific rodent to complete his collection.

He asked me to find one for him. I searched far and wide for a homosexual rodent of the Ming subspecies (that was his request).

After a few months, I found a rodent that matched his request. But when I gave it to him, he slapped me.

I was shocked. "Why did you slap me?", I asked out of...

Bleeder

A streetwalker was visiting her doctor for a regular check-up. "Any specific problems you should tell me about?" the doctor asked. "Well, I have noticed lately that if I get even the tiniest cut, it seems to bleed for hours," she replied. "Do you think I might be a hemophiliac?" "Well," the doctor a...

Is it wrong to hate a specific race

Because I really hate marathons

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A woman grants her mother's unusual dying wish.

She specifically requested pictures of her right foot be sent to an address in Rhode Island.

A couple of days later, she realizes that reversed pictures of her mother's *left* foot were sent instead. Unsure of the importance, but determined to fulfill her wishes, the woman travels to Rhode Is...

Basic Psychology

The psychology instructor had just finished a lecture on mental health and was giving an oral test. Speaking specifically about manic depression, she asked, "How would you diagnose a patient who walks back and forth screaming at the top of his lungs one minute, then sits in a chair weeping uncontrol...

Wife: I'm going shopping, do you need anything?

Husband: I'm looking for inner-peace and happiness, an answer to my doubts, a sense of fulfilment, a medium through which I can transcend consciousness and reach true spirituality, calmness and...


Wife: Be specific; Smirnoff or Absolut?

In the early 1970s, researchers discovered that a certain enzyme in a specific breed of seagull chicks granted dolphins that ate them a dramatically increased lifespan…

Hoping that this could be made viable for humans, they started extensive testing.

Unfortunately, the breed of gulls wasn't native to the area around their laboratory.

They sent a research assistant up the coast to gather additional specimens.

On his way back with a truckload o...

This is a joke we tell in Armenian, I think it comes out well in English too.

Little Johnny is in school one day when his teacher tells the class that she wants to hear each of them say a little about their families, and specifically what is needed in their lives.

The first student is a little girl, she stands up and says "my family is mostly happy but what we really n...

The only vacuum I use is the one made specifically for made for antivax parents...

Dyson

I have to have glasses just to see my family.

Specifically 2 glasses… of Scotch.

Say what you will about Trump's Presidency, but you can't overlook what he has accomplished in terms of healthcare specifically life expectancy...

He managed to turn one year into something that feels like an eternity.

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Elizabeth Taylor goes in to get her vagina reconditioned.

Elizabeth : Dr. I want to have the vagina of an 18 year old.

Dr. : Ok that can be done.

Elizabeth: Ok but please, ABSOLUTELY NO PAPARAZZI or MEDIA involvement!

Dr. : Of course, it will be completely confidential.


The surgery occurs with no complications. in f...

I heard that the new Mortal Kombat boasted Scandinavian music...

More specifically they plan to add a Finnish Hymn.

Four Nordic men with terrible memories took a trip.

Four Nordic men with terrible memories, Finn, Mark, Lan, and Svee, took a trip.

Together, they travelled far and wide - they sipped wine under the Eiffel tower, climbed Kilimanjaro, met elephants in Thailand, saw the Hollywood sign in California, road tripped across the US, and ended up in Ne...

How big is the specific ocean?

Sorry, could you be a little more pacific.

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There’s a blond, redhead, and brunette on a cliff.

The cliff is magical, only granting a specific type of wish under certain conditions. You must jump off the cliff, and you are able to become anything you wish, but you must say it while falling.

The brunette jumps off the cliff and yells, “bird!” She becomes a beautiful dove, and flies awa...

Male cheetahs have a specific bark that causes female cheetahs to ovulate 'on-demand.'

Because you still can't trust them. They're cheetahs.

TIL: My new boss has a bizarrely specific number fetish and almost everyone knows

He's a four man.

Did you hear about the software update Apple released specifically for pirates?

It was an iPatch.

I specifically asked for no mayo on my sandwich.

What the Hellman

What do you get when you cross a bat and a man?

A ban. Specifically, a lifetime ban from the genetics labs, as well as a visit from the ethics committee.

A mom is breastfeeding her baby twins.

One day, one of the twins realized that there is more milk coming from the breast where his twin sibling is feeding on. Because of extreme jealousy, he put poison on that specific breast while everyone is asleep.

The next day, the twins' uncle died.

Cavemen had a specific reason for dragging their women by the hair...

...they filled up with dirt when drug the other way.

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A man goes to the doctors with a sore bum

He states he doesn't know what's causing the pain.

So the doctor begins to examine his rear and asks specifically where the pain is.

The man replies "At the entrance, that's where it's sore!"

The doctor replies "Well for as long as your refer to that as an 'entrance' there's goi...

My GPS is difficult to use whenever I try to look up specific coordinates.

It has a bad latitude.

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A man and a chicken walk into a small restaurant

A man and a chicken walk into a small restaurant, they sit down, and the waitress takes their order, the man says "I'll have a number 5 with a large coffee", and the chicken says "I will have that as well". When they finished their meal, the man walks up to the counter to pay, and he reaches into hi...

why is it general kenobi and not specific kenobi ?

only a sith deals in absolutes

A woman orders a very specific tea at a local cafe however the waitress mistakenly brings her a different one...

When the woman takes a sip of it, she notices this and tells the waitress that this is flavor is not her cup of tea.

I developed a line of condition-specific get well cards for hypochondriacs with the theme " I had what you had..."

Only worse.

I once met a guy who asked me “aren’t you that guy who brags about really weird, specific stuff?”

I then replied “No, I’m the guy with the longest garden hose in the county.”

I invited my family for dinner

They specifically requested a small portion of bull meat each, but I bought a huge slice of cow meat, and I cooked it medium rare

Guess I made a big miss steak

Three wise kings debated gifts for an upcoming baby shower.

"I've got it!" the first proclaimed. "Myrrh! I'll get some from our stores! The mother could make all manner of perfumes and medicine!"

"Fantastic idea!" the second agreed, and he gasped, "Frankincense! I have a bit left over from a recent voyage! I'll bring some along!"

They turned ...

A man walks into a bar for illiterate people. The bartender says, "Don't you hate it when people tell jokes that have specific details about situations that would never happen in real life, just so they can make some dumb pun?" The man, nodding, replies,

"I no write."

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Farmer can't get his cows to mate.

There's a farmer, who is having a hard time getting his cows to mate. Specifically, the bull doesn't seem like he can ever get into the mood. He's tried everything he can think of, but this bull just won't do it.

So he gives up on his own wisdom, and consults a cow expert. He approaches the e...

My university demanded we use a specific type of notebook

It's college rule

A man was searching for a specific pizza

A man was searching for a specific kind of pizza. He wanted to have a pizza that was folded in half before baking.
He searched for such a pizza around the world, until finally he heard of a pizzeria that served such pizzas, the pizzeria was located near a huge radio telescope.
Due to the r...

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Apple is releasing a new Virtual-reality headset specifically for VR porn.

They are calling it:The iFap

One day God calls down to Noah and says, "Noah me old mate, I want you to make me a new Ark".

Noah replies, "No probs God, me old Supreme Being, anything you want after all you're the boss...

But God interrupts, "Ah, but there's a catch. This time Noah, I do not want just a couple of decks, I want 20 decks one on top of the other".

"20 DECKS!", screams Noah. "Well, OK Big ...

Heard of the nun that stole a fortune to fund her gambling habit?

The first clue probably should have been that she spent a fortune on a habit specifically for gambling.

Our boss just banned overly specific nicknames

and the whole office is staring at Rat Snitch Brian The Good Time Ruiner

My Dad told me specifically not to touch the keyboard...I pressed Ctrl-B

It was a bold move

In life, sometimes it's not good to be very specific.

For instance, it's okay to say "I love kids" but it's frowned upon to say "I love 12 year olds."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Ten Lines to Get You Out of Jury Duty

1. I can tell if people are guilty just by looking at them.

2. I am really attracted to you, Your Honor.

3. If a police officer told me I was a bug, I'd believe him

4. I think laws are for sissies.

5. Would I have to bathe?

6. Can each of my personalities vote in t...

You might have to be more specific when using the word "cousin".

It's just such a relative term.

A bumblebee suddenly wakes up in a cold sweat, realizing he has overslept and is about to miss his connecting flight home after a successful overseas business trip.

He makes a mad rush to the airport, suitcase in one hand, passport and airline ticket in the other. His tie flaps loose in the breeze, his shirt wrinkled and untucked, with his face covered in bushy bumblebee beard stubble.

He recklessly flies into the main entrance, nearly knocking over a fa...

I have a litter of Pomeranian puppies specifically nurtured to look like a French loaf, 500$ per pupper

Please don’t ask me to go lower on the price, they are *pure bread*

Are you aware the the Quran specifically forbids dating Gorillas?

It turns out you're not supposed to have a Haram Bae.

This Unicode technical specification is extremely dull reading

But it does have many interesting characters.

A man falls asleep at church.

One day Mrs. Jones went to have a talk with the minister at the
local church. "Reverend," she said, "I have a problem, my
husband keeps falling asleep during your sermons. It's very
embarrassing. What should I do?"

"I have an idea," said the minister. "Take this hatpin with you.
I...

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A man gets himself a date and decides to surprise the girl with some flowers.

He walks into a flower shop and the florist asks "Hey, what are you looking for, specifically?"

The man says "To have sex"

TIL Every animal has its own specific mating call

A bird sings, a frog croaks, a badger clickets, a grasshopper chirps, a deer croons, and I beg.

Y'know how ants will sacrifice themselves to form a bridge?

I read that when ants approach an obstacle such as water/oil/etc they will sacrifice themselves and form a chain to create a bridge across said obstacle. The coolest part to me is that the males specifically line up to form the bridge and protect the females. Apparently this is because they are not ...

They're marketing headphones specifically for gorillas now

Rumor has it they'll be called Harambeats.

I'm so sorry.

My mom thinks I need to stop objectifying women, I think she is overreacting.

She asked why I broke up with the last girl and I said

"It didn't work out."

She told me to be more specific so I said

"I just told you, she didn't exercise."

It's difficult to get anything specific out of a bedding expert...

...since they're always making blanket statements

Make a pair of scissors, specifically designed to cut paper, made out of sharpened stone.

Call them "Rock Paper Scissors."

I need a battery

I walked into Battery World and asked for a specific battery.

The guy said “Is it for a clock?”

I said “I don’t know, that’s why I need a battery!!”

What do you call it if a jackdaw catches Coronavirus?

Crowvid-19

Here's the thing. This joke depends on the idea that a "jackdaw is a crow."
Is it in the same family? Yes. No one's arguing that.

As someone who is a scientist who studies crows, I am telling you, specifically, in science, no one calls jackdaws crows. If you want to be "s...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Apple wanted to introduce a line of phones specifically for children.

But they scrapped it, 'ITouch Kids' just didn't seem right.

Heard this somewhere a while back. Don't think it was here. Thought you guys might like it.

Playboy is starting a new magazine specifically for married men.

It has the same centerfold every month!

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