UPJOKE
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Specific Jokes

I heard Tom Hanks and Meg Ryan are working on a new film made specifically for the blind.

It's called "You've Got Braille"

You know who’s more specific than me?

Some other dude.

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The womanizer, the drunk, and the pot head

There was a womanizer, a drunk and a pot head that got into a car accident and died. When they arrived in hell the devil told them "welcome to hell, as a punishment you will have to spend 1000 years in your own personal rooms with punishments specific to your sins and if you learn your lesson you ge...

Leslie Nielsen auditioned for a specific role in Harry Potter.

But the casting director, unsure who this old actor was, told him :
— Shirley, you can't be Sirius.

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80% of people masturbate in the shower, the rest sings a very specific song. Do you know what song that is?

No? Then I know what you’re doing in the shower

First day as a pilot. Control tower: Can you give me your position? Me: I am next to a cloud that looks like a lion. Control tower: Can you be more specific?

Me: Simba

When a mine shaft collapses it’s known to make a specific musical tone when the air rushes through the tunnels. What note is it?

A flat miner

I put an old lawn mower out on the street, with a “FREE” sign next to it.

Somebody came and took the sign, but left the mower.

Guess I should have been more specific…

I'm using vibration and oscillation in specific frequencies to impart information

It might seem far-fetched, but the idea is sound.

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This morning, when I woke up, I had something of an epiphany.

There I was, snuggled in on both sides by my two of my cats, and I thought about the memes that ask what you'd do differently in your life if you could.

You see, I've had good luck in my life, and bad luck in my life. There are some things I simply don't want to risk experiencing again, so ...

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Should've been more specific

Bob was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was really pissed.

She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE !!"

The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife w...

A man’s wife is missing…

Man: Officer, my wife is missing. She went out yesterday and she hasn’t come home.

Officer: Okay, what’s her height?

Man: Not sure…. Maybe around 5’6?

Officer: Okay, weight?

Man: I dunno… not slim not big.

Officer: Okay… colour of her eyes?

Man: Sort of blue...

I am tired of keeping track of so many pronouns. Apparently now they have specific pronouns for Russian army....

was/were

A young baker buys a shop

He is very excited as this is his first venture since qualifying. He sells ok on everyday items like bread, but runs into trouble with his 'special items'. One day he makes beautiful cakes, however his customers only want pastries that day. So the next day he makes pastries, but now they want muffin...

Studies say most stabbings are committed by someone close to the victim.

Within arm's length, to be specific.

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"Doc, my butt hurts"

"Where specifically does it hurt?"

"Right around the entrance"

"Yeah well that's the exit. As long as you think it's an entrance, it'll continue to hurt"

Oddly Specific Historical Humour

Below is the program for the November 7th, 1917 performance of the Bolshoi Ballet:



Dance

Dance

Revolution

I’m binging a TV show for free on Amazon, but it won’t let me watch certain episodes. Specifically episode number 2, 3, 5, 7, 11, 13, 17, 19, 23, 29, 31, 37, 41, 43, 47, 53, 59, 61, 67, 71, 73, 79, 83, 89, and 97.

Those are only available on Amazon Prime.

I need help finding a Tim Burton movie

I Googled "Tim Burton movie where Johnny Depp plays a quirky, androgynous loner," and Google told me to be more specific.

[Unashamed Dad Joke] What do you call an android that was designed specifically to move a small wooden boat around?

A row-bot.

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A husband got a new job

A husband got a new job and had to go on his first ever business trip.

This was especially tough because he and his wife made love every other day and he was going to be gone for a week.

He didn’t want his wife to miss him, or miss out on her regular orgasm, so he decided to buy her a ...

Can we please stop doing women specific jokes, especially about menstruation?

They aren't funny, period.

The least specific name for a “Friends” episode:

“The one where Rachel’s nipples were erect”

Help, I'm a Democrat who has a very specific fetish of looking at foreign dictators resting on top of crackers and I'm looking for people into the same as me...

So if you're Blue and you don't know what to search for why don't you look were Fascists sits... Putin on the Ritz

When I was young, my father required me to play one specific song on the drum kit perfectly before I could be called a man

It was a cymbalic right-of-passage

Which specific body part makes a ton of movie blockbusters?

This knee.

(This is not a joke) I'm a linguistic researcher that is working on the semiotic of jokes and need help to find exemples of a particular type of joke.

Hi, I hope this is not against the rules but I need help for a research paper centered around jokes, and this obviously looks like a good place for that.

I am working on linguistic structuralism to try to find the linguistic value of surprise in a joke. (I'm simplifying a lot, but i can expla...

Did you hear about the new company that makes audiobooks specifically for deaf people?

They're called Inaudible.

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a doctor and a lawyer

A doctor and a lawyer were speaking at a cocktail party.

The conversation was constantly being interrupted by people asking the doctor about their specific medical conditions and seeking free health care advice.

This went on for about an hour until the doctor was completely exasperate...

Did you know that humans, like elephants have evolved a very specific call to warn others about bees they have encountered?

Want to hear what it sounds like?

-


-



-


“BEES!”

Did you hear about the new soap opera that only has specialists?

It's called "Specific Hospital"

Is it wrong to hate a specific race

Because I really hate marathons

Jesus encourages us to confess our sins.

Something my lawyer has specifically advised against.

Joe Biden was having his first briefing as president with the joint chiefs of staff. The topic was the an impending alien invasion, and more specifically an invasion by the aliens known as “the greys”

CIA director: “Sir, we have reason to believe that the greys are becoming a serious problem.”

Biden: “Really? Come on man. I mean, my wife has said that a couple times but I think they’re OK”

DOD director: “OK? Sir, if we don’t eliminate them all immediately, we may find ourselves in s...

A man was arrested for telling a joke which called Vladimir Putin stupid.

He was tried and sentenced to 15 years and 3 months in a work camp.


When asked about the strangely specific sentence, the judge explained that he gave 3 months for insulting the president, and 15 years for divulging state secrets.

Today I learned Italians have more than 250 specific hand gestures to communicate non-verbally, I asked my German friend if they had anything like it in Germany..

He said they have one but they are not allowed to use it

The Holy Bible teaches us to love one another...

...the Kama Sutra is a bit more specific.

I knew a man whose work focused specifically on designing draw bridges...

of course, this was before his suspension.

You can actually file a lawsuit against the federal government in the United States. It's a myth that you can't. All you have to do is simply take some specific medication.

And that medication, my friends, is Sudafed®

Have you ever heard of Roko's Basilisk? (contains a small amount of existential dread)

It's a thought experiment provided by a user named "Roko" on a philosophy forum-based website.

Suppose a machine is invented that can simulate the whole world from the past to the future, becoming practically omniscient. The scientists who made this obviously want this to help the world, so ...

My wife bought a new suitcase for work

She asked if I wanted to know why she bought that specific one

I reply with a "no"

She asks why, and I say, "Because it's a pretty open and shut case"

A man got in a taxi and asked to drop by a specific location.

The taxi driver said ok and drove for 5 minutes, and suddenly took a few wrong turns. The man thought to himself "does he not know where it is?" And tap the driver on the shoulder. The driver suddenly, started to panic and screaming, while trying to avoid cars and rail guards, almost hitting a bus f...

An older couple are working together in their home office and the old man figures out that he needs a specific business document out of the office safe...

As he’s looking through numerous documents, he comes across their marriage license. Instantly, he is overcome with frustration when he realizes a missing detail.

“This is terrible! There’s no expiration date on our marriage license!”

The wife turns around from her work and reaches aro...

A girl looking for a job

A girl graduated from an engineering university and was looking for a job, but she did not find any opportunity, but one time she met a person, a zoo manager , and he offered her a job with a very good salary, and the job is to dress up as a zebra and stay in the cage for visitors see it because the...

Say what you will about Trump's Presidency, but you can't overlook what he has accomplished in terms of healthcare specifically life expectancy...

He managed to turn one year into something that feels like an eternity.

Figured out my million dollar idea. It’s a shampoo specifically for men’s genitalia. (nsfw)

I’m calling it Head And Boulders!

I had to see a psychiatrist recently after becoming obsessed with a specific shade of purple

Apparently I’m Plum Crazy

Lining up for Drinks at the Party.

Two friends decide to throw a party to celebrate them getting their new flat and invite everyone they know. One of them prepares a huge bowl of punch for everyone and the other brings a soda fountain that he just bought.

The party rolls around and everyone is enjoying themselves; all of them...

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My friend, who studies mice, wanted a specific rodent to complete his collection.

He asked me to find one for him. I searched far and wide for a homosexual rodent of the Ming subspecies (that was his request).

After a few months, I found a rodent that matched his request. But when I gave it to him, he slapped me.

I was shocked. "Why did you slap me?", I asked out of...

In the early 1970s, researchers discovered that a certain enzyme in a specific breed of seagull chicks granted dolphins that ate them a dramatically increased lifespan…

Hoping that this could be made viable for humans, they started extensive testing.

Unfortunately, the breed of gulls wasn't native to the area around their laboratory.

They sent a research assistant up the coast to gather additional specimens.

On his way back with a truckload o...

Mr. Johnson boarded a plane to New York City. He was about to sit down in the aisle seat he had booked when he saw a blonde woman sitting in his seat.

"Wh-what are you doing?!" sputtered Mr. Johnson. "I specifically booked this seat! Why aren't you sitting in your seat?!"

The blonde woman replied, "I'm blonde, I'm smart, and I'm sitting in this aisle seat until this plane lands in New York City."

Angrily, Mr. Johnson snatched the blo...

I specifically asked for no mayo on my sandwich.

What the Hellman

How big is the specific ocean?

Sorry, could you be a little more pacific.

Cavemen had a specific reason for dragging their women by the hair...

...they filled up with dirt when drug the other way.

DAD! Please don't be mad at me but I am pregnant!

Little David is in school one day when his teacher tells the class that she wants to hear each of them say a little about their families, and specifically what is needed in their lives.

The first student is a little girl, she stands up and says "my family is mostly happy but what we really ne...

I'm a very big Oasis fan, specifically Wonderwall. I sing it all the time. My girlfriend hates it though, so she asked me to stop singing it.

I said maybe.

Did you hear about the software update Apple released specifically for pirates?

It was an iPatch.

I once met a guy who asked me “aren’t you that guy who brags about really weird, specific stuff?”

I then replied “No, I’m the guy with the longest garden hose in the county.”

Male cheetahs have a specific bark that causes female cheetahs to ovulate 'on-demand.'

Because you still can't trust them. They're cheetahs.

The Caribbean is under attack from invasive plant life and other weeds

The situation is dire, specifically the Cuban Thistle Crisis

Our boss just banned overly specific nicknames

and the whole office is staring at Rat Snitch Brian The Good Time Ruiner

TIL: My new boss has a bizarrely specific number fetish and almost everyone knows

He's a four man.

A man was searching for a specific pizza

A man was searching for a specific kind of pizza. He wanted to have a pizza that was folded in half before baking.
He searched for such a pizza around the world, until finally he heard of a pizzeria that served such pizzas, the pizzeria was located near a huge radio telescope.
Due to the r...

why is it general kenobi and not specific kenobi ?

only a sith deals in absolutes

I got fired from my job as a masseur.

There wasn't any specific incident, apparently I just rub people the wrong way.

My university demanded we use a specific type of notebook

It's college rule

A woman orders a very specific tea at a local cafe however the waitress mistakenly brings her a different one...

When the woman takes a sip of it, she notices this and tells the waitress that this is flavor is not her cup of tea.

In life, sometimes it's not good to be very specific.

For instance, it's okay to say "I love kids" but it's frowned upon to say "I love 12 year olds."

My GPS is difficult to use whenever I try to look up specific coordinates.

It has a bad latitude.

A man recently bought himself a new Lada, but a couple of days later he's back at the dealership complaining about the performance.

The salesman who sold him the car asks him about the specifics.



"Come outside," said the man, "and I'll show you what I mean." So they go outside, and the man points to a hill just further down the road. "You see that hill there? Every time I go up there, I can't get past 40."

...

Why is radio news never specific?

It’s a broadcast.

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Apple is releasing a new Virtual-reality headset specifically for VR porn.

They are calling it:The iFap

A man walks into a bar for illiterate people. The bartender says, "Don't you hate it when people tell jokes that have specific details about situations that would never happen in real life, just so they can make some dumb pun?" The man, nodding, replies,

"I no write."

My Dad told me specifically not to touch the keyboard...I pressed Ctrl-B

It was a bold move

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Voodoo dick

So a older gentleman had fallen in love with a very attractive young woman (maybe around 21 or 22) she was a very sexually active woman and he was always able to please. One day his job called him out on a business trip and he’s be gone for atleast a week. The young woman promised to be faithful but...

Andre 3000 went camping...

...as he finishes setting up his tent, a park ranger rolls up to warn him about bear activity nearby. Specifically, an unusually intelligent and persistent bear that has a taste for 90's musicians. Andre thanks the ranger for his concern, and assures him that he'll take all the necessary precautions...

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A man feels lost is life and decides to ask a rabbi for advice

He calls up the rabbi and asks for his address

The rabbi sais:

I live on the last house on 47th Street.
Now, when you come here, you can buzz in the apartment number with your left elbow and open the door with your right elbow.
When you enter the building, you can call for an el...

You might have to be more specific when using the word "cousin".

It's just such a relative term.

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Our Boss just banned extremely specific nicknames

and now we are all waiting for Tattletale Dwight the Rat Snitch Good Time Ruiner to come back from Red Knee Nancy the Cocksuck Vending Machine's cubicle.

Captain Edward Smith's last meal included lettuce on his plate.

Specifically, It was an iceberg right in front of him.

After persuading Adam and Eve to eat the Forbidden Fruit, the Serpent decides to ask God something

"Hey, God, I just ruined Adam and Eve's lives! I got them to eat the Fruit that you specifically asked them not to eat!"

"Ok."

"I gotta ask though, why did you not want to them to eat it? Why do you care if they have knowledge of Good and Evil? Is it because you want to be the only one...

Are you aware the the Quran specifically forbids dating Gorillas?

It turns out you're not supposed to have a Haram Bae.

Chicken

BORROWED

Scientists at Rolls Royce built a gun specifically to launch dead chickens at the windshields of airliners and military jets all travelling at maximum velocity.
The idea is to simulate the frequent incidents of collisions with airborne fowl to test the strength of the windshields....

Mother and daughter go to the doctor

After running some tests due to some non specific symptoms, the doctor tell them, “well looks like you are going to be a grandma, your daughter is pregnant ma’am”

The mother is infuriated, insults the doctor telling him that her daughter “knows no man” and leaves the office fuming.

The...

I lost my favorite hat and I decided to go to church to snag my buddy’s who has the exact same one

I figured he’d never suspect me…

The priest came over after the service and asked how I liked his sermon..

I said I have to be honest…

I just came today specifically to take my buddy’s hat…

So the priest said, you must have heard me talk about the Ten Commandments, espec...

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A Mathematician, and Physicist, and an Engineer

are asked to find the volume of a red rubber ball.

The mathematician knows that the volume of a sphere has been mathematically determined so they measures the radius and puts it into the proper formula.

The physicist knows that Archimedes discovered how to determine the volume of an o...

TIL Every animal has its own specific mating call

A bird sings, a frog croaks, a badger clickets, a grasshopper chirps, a deer croons, and I beg.

I have a litter of Pomeranian puppies specifically nurtured to look like a French loaf, 500$ per pupper

Please don’t ask me to go lower on the price, they are *pure bread*

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