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Successful Jokes

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4 tips for guys for successful relationships

It’s really important to find a woman that you love and who loves you the same.

It’s really important to find a woman that sexually excites you and that she feels the same about you.

It’s really important to find a woman who will care for you and that you will care for her, in sickne...

There was once a very successful farmer from Texas…

There was once a very successful farmer from Texas who started gaining interest in his ancestry. After doing some digging, he traced his lineage back to a small town in Ireland. And lo and behold, they were a family of farmers. So he packed his bags and took a trip to Ireland to visit the small town...

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I really wanted to write a joke about my successful transition surgery.

But I don’t have the balls to do it.

A local charity realized that it had never received a donation from the town's most successful lawyer.

The volunteer in charge of contributions called him to persuade him to contribute. "Our research shows that out of a yearly income of more than $600,000 you give not a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give back to the community in some way?"


The lawyer thought about it for a minut...

The local charity realized that it had never received a donation from the city's most successful lawyer.

So a volunteer paid the lawyer a visit in his lavish office. The volunteer opened the meeting by saying, 'Our research shows that even though your annual income is over two million dollars, you don't give a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give something back to your community?.

The law...

A couple, after a rather successful first date and are heading back to the guy's apartment.

As the guy reaches for his keys, the girl says, "Oh, this part usually tells me how a guy is in bed. If a guy fumbles around trying to get the key into the lock, it means he hasn't had much experience and has no idea what he's doing, but if the guy just jams the key in, it means he's very forceful a...

Reporter to the old guy sitting next to his wife: "what's your secret for 80 years of happy and successful marriage?"

The old man replied "i'm gonna tell you a story, 75 years ago we were on a trip, we were horseback riding just ive two of us, out of nowhere her horse went crazy and throw her off on the ground, she calmly got up, cleared herself of dust and facing ive horse said "that's one" then got back on the ho...

America seems to have successfully prevented a second wave of corona

By keeping the first one going

Why are Irish bankers so successful?

Because their capital's always Dublin.

North Korea announced to have successfully landed a man on the Sun

During a live interview with Kim Jong-un, a reporter asked, "the Sun is very hot! How did you land a man?" Kim proudly replied, "we launch at night!"

Meanwhile, Trump tweeted while watching the live, "Haha what an idiot! There is no Sun at night!"

A local farmer just successfully grew a field of vibrators.

Unfortunately, now he has a problem with squatters.

Will glass coffins be successful?

Remains to be seen

A Femme Fatale reports to her superior after a successful undercover mission.

"Excellent work, as always, agent. Operation *Girlfriend Experience* was an outstanding success because of you. The villain has been apprehended and is awaiting sentencing," the superior comments.

"Thank you, sir. Just doing my duty," she responds.

"But there is one thing..." he contin...

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Husband and his wife were celebrating 50 years together. Their three kids, all very successful, agreed to a Sunday dinner in their honor.

“Happy anniversary Mom and Dad,” gushed son number one, a surgeon, “Sorry I'm late. I had an emergency at the hospital with a patient, you know how it is, and didn't have time to get you a gift.”

“Not to worry,” said the father, “the important thing is that we're all together today.”

...

Why are orphans successful?

Because its either go big or go home. What choice do they have?

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A successful businessman is driving home and sees another man on the sidewalk eating grass.

He stops and asks, "Hey! Why are you eating grass?"

The man replies, "I'm out of money, I lost my job and I haven't eaten in three days! Grass is my only option."

The businessman thinks for a few second and says, "You know what, why don't you come with me to my house."

The man, ...

Today I successfully weighed a rainbow

Turns out it was pretty light

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Being successful is like getting pregnant..

..Everyone will come to congratulate you but no one dares to ask how hard and how many times you were fucked.

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A highly successful manager was going home in his car when he saw two men along the roadside eating grass...

Astonished by the sight, he ordered his driver to stop and got out to investigate.

He asked one man
"Why are you eating grass?"

"We don't have any money for food," the poor man replied. "We have to eat grass."

"Well, then, you can come with me to my house and I'll feed you...

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Bad breakups are like a successful visit to the toilet.

You look back and think “What a piece of shit!”

Q: How do you know if a bass player is successful?

A: His girlfriend has a job.

Here are the three unwritten rules of being successful at life.

1.

2.

3.

My maths teacher is also a successful model...

That's what I call a significant figure.

The key to a successful marriage is patience

I've been waiting 51 years for a successful one

Jefferson, a disgraced yet incredibly successful basketball coach, is asked to return to help lead his team to victory.

On his first day back, he organizes a meeting between himself and Anthony, the coach that took over when he initially left. When Anthony arrives to his office, Jefferson is already there, holding a large oak box.

"What's in the box?" Anthony asks.

Jefferson opens the box to reveal a sn...

What did the bacteria say when it successfully divided?

Fission accomplished!

Tom, a successful Real estate developer was 65 and just married Candy, 44 years his junior

After they came back from their honeymoon they did a party for all of their friends. At the party one of Tom friends asked him:

“Hey man I know you got money and all but how did you land a woman so good looking and so young?”

Tom replies: “well, to be honest I lied about my age and hea...

I just successfully pulled-off the 'key to comedy' joke around my surgery.

As I felt the anaesthetic starting to kick in I said, 'I have a joke'. 'Better be quick!' The anaesthetist said.
'Do you know what the key to comedy is?'
Then I smiled and passed out.

When I woke up a couple of hours later I asked the nurse to tell the anaesthetist my message: 'timing'....

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Trump’s third marriage is successful for one simple reason:

He and Melania agreed to have sex in different locations.

What do you call it when two Vietnamese people are successful?

A Nguyen Nguyen situation

Out of all businesses, I think the condom business is the least successful

They are killing their future customers

Why is Stephen Hawking successful?

He can't run away from his responsibilities.

TIL the lead singer of Chumbawumba is married to a champion breakdancer. She had to give up dancing when she fell pregnant but, only three months after giving birth, successfully defended her title at the World Championship.

She got knocked up, but she got down again.

My parents decided the key to a successful marriage is going out to a fancy restaurant twice a week.

My dad goes out Mondays and my mom goes out Fridays.

What did the serial killer say at the end of a successful first date?

Let me get them digits.

Vampires are actually very successful artists with a common flaw...

Whenever they are doing a face portrait they always stop below the chin...

Whenever they are sketching a figure they always stop at the top of the shoulders....


But this is cuz they suck at necks.

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A highly successful blonde business woman was headed west

She was on her way to a work conference, driving through Arkansas.

As she's cruising along she comes across a farm and out in the middle of the field is a blonde in a rowboat, surrounded by cows, rowing like mad and going nowhere.

She's pissed. She pulls over and jumps out of her car, ...

Most successful personal ad in the UK ever

Old, fat, bald, poor man seeks woman. HAVE AIR CON

Turns out there are hundreds of woman in my area who want to meet me right now!

TIL the movie Starship Troopers was never adapted into a successful video game because...

...bugs.

A blind pilot walks into a plane waving his walking stick

The passengers all look at each other in disbelief. The flight attendant gets on the PA and says,

"Ladies and gentlemen, as you can see, the captain is legally blind, but rest assured, he is one of the best pilots in the world with over six thousand successful flights."

Next the co-pi...

What is written on a very successful hacker’s tombstone?

“R”
His IP is well hidden.

A bumblebee suddenly wakes up in a cold sweat, realizing he has overslept and is about to miss his connecting flight home after a successful overseas business trip.

He makes a mad rush to the airport, suitcase in one hand, passport and airline ticket in the other. His tie flaps loose in the breeze, his shirt wrinkled and untucked, with his face covered in bushy bumblebee beard stubble.

He recklessly flies into the main entrance, nearly knocking over a fa...

Why was the successful gambler uncomfortable when he sat down?

He had an ace in the hole.

Why are Dolphins so successful at dating?

They always click with one another!

As a French-Canadian with a successful plaid condom business, I feel I have a lot to offer on British monetary policy

But nobody wants a Quebecker with a checkered pecker as Chancellor of the Exchequer.

Key to a successful marriage

A couple was celebrating their 50th wedding anniversary. The husband was asked what was the secret to their marriage. He replied, “When we first got married, we agreed that I would make all the big decisions and she would make all the small decisions. So far it’s been all small decisions.”

What can both a successful Redditor and a surprised Terrorist say?

EDIT: Wow I had no idea this would blow up

NASA's DART spacecraft successfully slams into asteroid.

Just like the Mars Polar Lander did on Mars.

Doctor the operation was a success

Patient really?Doctor yes, we have successfully removed the colon.

What did the prospector say about his more successful, non-binary neighbor?

“There’s gold in them/their hills!”

To be successful in a relationship, always be frank and ernest!

Frank when you're with your wife, and Ernest when you're with your girlfriend.

What would you call a super successful poultry farmer?

Chick magnate

My father said I would be able to consider myself successful when my bank account balance resembled a phone number

Hey. 911 is a phone number.

A successful sock business

Kai Fu had a very successful business selling clothing, but especially the company’s socks were very popular.

One day he met a wonderful woman named Jane King.

She got more involved in the business and it became more successful than ever.

Kai Fu was happy for the success of his ...

LPT: Follow the given three steps in order to successfully accomplish a murder.

1. Set out a few high-mounted boxes with hole in the front of them.
2. Scatter about several boxes filled with cashews.
3. Be sure to do this in a place crows frequent.

Why was the friendly pimp so successful?

Because he ensured all his customers that he would keep them in his thots.

With Ford v Ferrari being so successful

Chevy has decided to come out with their own movie. Total Recall

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Why was the dildo company so successful?

Good product placement.

I have successfully muted every single person on Reddit. AMA!

edit: really? No one? :(

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Owning a successful business is just like telling people you’re pregnant.

Owning a successful business is just like telling people you’re pregnant.

Everybody says congratulations but nobody knows how many times you got fucked before you got there. 

After the priest performed a successful exorcism, Brenda refused to pay the fee.

The priest had her repossessed.

My dad was a successful contractor.

He frequently contracted chlamydia.

The key to successful relationships is being earnest and frank...

... so when I'm with my wife in Washington D.C., I'm Earnest, and with my girlfriend in Baltimore, I'm Frank.

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To be successful at relationships, be a dog.

Say little, listen a lot, and don't poop on the carpet

Four buddies caught up for coffee many years after high school. Each bragging to the other how successful and wealthy they’ve become.

The first guy said, “See that bank building across the street? I am going to buy it within the next six months.”

The second guy then said, “See that hotel building next to the bank? I am going to buy it within the next month.”

Not wanting to lose out, the third guy quickly said, “See t...

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Lock & Stock were a famous pro wrestling tag team. They had a long, successful career, won many titles, had a wonderful retirement match and were inducted into the Hall of Fame of every company they wrestled in.

One day, chilling on the porch and reflecting on the many blessings of their career, Lock asked Stock "You know, I've always wondered; is there pro wrestling in heaven?"

"I've always wondered that myself," Stock replied.

So the two agreed, "Whichever of us gets there first needs to fin...

people told me i will never be successful because of my deafness

but i never listen to them

A very successful businessman had a meeting with his new son-in-law.

“I welcome you into the family,” said the man. “To show you how much we care for you, I am making you a fifty-fifty partner in my business. All you have to do is go to the factory every day and learn the operation.”

The son-in-law interrupted. “I hate factories. I can’t stand the noise.”
<...

I have finally figured out how to successfully clone a human

Needless to say, I am beside myself.

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Why wasn’t the ‘Snow White and seven dwarfs’ porn parody successful?

There were too many short comings.

Operation successful

An older gentleman was on the operating table awaiting a complicated surgery on him and.....

he insisted that his son-in-law, a renowned surgeon, perform the operation.

As he was about to get the anaesthesia, he spoke to his son-in-law.

'Yes, Dad, what is it?'

'Don't be ...

i started carrying a knife after a mugging attempt years ago

Since then my mugging attempts have been a lot more successful.

Want to be a successful dad...

Keep mum.

The Ungent family owns a successful soap business

They recently created a brand new soap to release to their customers, and all things went well until it became time to name their soap.

“It should be named after the scent,” one declared.

“No, no, no,” another corrected, “it has to be after our family name.”

“Why can’t we just c...

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Behind every successful woman...

There is a man checking out her ass.

The key to a successful relationship

Find someone who likes the same thermostat setting you do.

How I became a successful businessman

When I was just about 21 with my shoes worn through and nothing to wear but the one set of clothes I stood up in, I spent my last nickel on an apple from the barrow in the poor end of town, and I walked up to the rich end of town, polishing the apple as I went, until I found someone to buy it from m...

What makes farmers so successful?

They’re all out standing in their field

If Bible was so successful..

why is there no Bible 2?

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What does one need to successfully navigate a brothel?

A cum pass.

There are 2 steps to being successful

1. Do not reveal everything you know.

Secret of a successful marriage!

An old man married for 52 years was asked by his neighbor about the secret for his successful marriage.

The old man stated that on the night of his marriage, he and his newly wed bride had decided that if one of them ever got angry with the other, they would settle the issue peacefully.
...

A successful businessman flew to Vegas for the weekend to gamble.

He lost the shirt off his back, and had nothing left but a quarter and the second half of his round trip ticket. He went out to the front of the casino where there was a cab waiting. He got in and explained his situation to the cabbie and promised to send the driver money from home but to no av...

What do you say to a man from Mexico that had a successful hip replacement?

Hip Hip Jorge!

To be a successful stalker

You must do the following :-)

There was a curly haired painter who was very successful.

There was a curly haired painter who was very successful. But then there came a new artist who's painting rivaled even his own best pieces. The usually very calm and docile curly haired man started to resent this competition and plotted how to get rid of him. Over the years he tried, unsuccessfully...

I developed a successful chicken social network app to make more money.

I didn’t do it for the glory I did it to make hens meet.

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