Steam Jokes - 78 Hilarious Steam Jokes

Kid tragically fell under a steam roller

The poor child was squashed to death as a steam roller ran over him. Fortunately some one knew who he was and where he lived. A police officer said he would drive to the child’s address to break the bad news. Sadly there was no reply so the police officer did the next best thing. He slid the kid und...

I went to the pub last night and was steaming drunk after one pint.

The eleventh, I think.

Did you hear about the International women’s day sale on steam?

Everything was 70 cents on the dollar.

I recently discovered Steam...

...where you have a library of your games you can just stop and start at ease from one intuitive screen.

It's a gamechanger.

If fire and water are both elements, what is steam?

Better than Epic.

I was looking for a Dating Simulator on Steam.

It said "Sorry, no matches found."

The level of realism is incredible.

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My ex girlfriend Sandra's mum came steaming up to me in the supermarket earlier, with a six-pint bottle of milk in her hand..

She ripped the lid off and poured the lot over my head.

"THAT.." she yelled, "Is from our Sandra."

"Oh don't talk like a cunt." I replied. "That could be from any cow."

A steam train engineer had a new apprentice... [long]

The older man showed the young lad the coal car, the boiler, and so on.

"What should I call you, lad?" the engineer barked.

"Charles, sir," replied the apprentice timidly.

"I have been working steam trains for thirty years," the older man roared, "and I have \_never\_ addressed ...

My girlfriend tried to take a selfie in the shower, but it was too blurry.

She has selfie steam issues.

How did the Coca Cola can feel after being steam rolled?

It was soda pressed.

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A man walks up to a steaming heap of brown matter..

He stops. "Sure looks like shit to me", he mumbles to himself.

He bends down, and with his nose next to it, he takes a deep breath. ""Sure smells like shit to me", he says.

He gently pushes three fingers deep into the brown matter. "Darn sure feels like shit to me", he exclaims.
...

What do Steam users and Reddit admins have in common?

They don't want to pay for mods.

Ben Shapiro was loyal to Steam

All his friends, family, and co-workers knew that Ben would defend Steam in any argument, claiming it to be the superior game launcher, and the only one people should use. His loyalty was unmoving, and even gained him some branding deals with Valve.

One day while Ben was on his comput...

What do you call a steam engine that transports low purity meth?

Thomas the Crank Engine

How does Captain Hook blow off steam?

Beats Smee

I would not say I am a fan of steam punk

but it is the healthiest way to prepare punk.

Why do hot air ballons use burners and not steam?

Because Fireflies and Waterfalls

A cop sees a car parked in the local Lover's Lane with the windows all steamed up.

He goes over and taps on the window. The guy inside rolls it down.

The cop looks inside and sees the fellow sitting behind the wheel, fully dressed. There's a young lady sitting in the back seat, also fully dressed.

The cop says, "What are you doing out here?"

Guy says, "I'm wat...

Steam isn’t a Jihadi’s favourite state of water.

Ice is.

Girl, you’re like steam.

Too hot, but I’ll try touching you anyway.

^^^^^.

^^^^^.

^^^^^.

(This is just a joke. Dont actually do this.)

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Note: Never piss off a musician with a steam roller

Unless you want to B♭

There’s a great actor who can no longer remember his lines, and when word gets out, no one will hire him.

After many years he finally finds a theater that is prepared to give him a chance to shine again. The director says, “This is the most important part, but it has only one line. You walk out on stage at the opening, carrying a rose. You hold the rose to your nose with just one finger and thumb, sniff...

Saw a really nice steam train today.

I was chuffed.

I recently got ran over by a steam roller

people said i should be offended, but i was flattered.

I filled a steam engine with Holy Water.

The Power of Christ Propels You!
The Power of Christ Propels You!
The Power of Christ Propels You!

What is the different between the original steam engine and the improved one

*Watt

What do you get when you cross a chili pepper, steam shovel, and a Chihuahua?

A hot, diggety dog.

The missus came home steaming drunk last night.

"You up for some role play action, babe?" She asked with a wink.
"Not really." I replied.
"Oh, come on." She said. "We can act out ANY scene, from ANY film you want."
Walking over to her with a huge smile on my face, I noticed her expression change. She had realised her mistake, howev...

Why do metalheads like steam engines so much?

They do a lot of chugging.

What’s the difference between a steamed potato and a flying pig?

One’s a heated yam and the other is a yeeted ham.

Two old men were waiting for their steam train which was running late.

"I know this train driver, his name is Bob. First time he's ever been late," one says.

"All train drivers are late some days," replies the other.

"No, not Bob, ever. He may never speak to anyone, or even look them in the eye, but he gets on that train and burns his secret ingredient an...

What's the difference between a teacher and a steam train?

One says, 'Spit that gum out!'

While the other says nothing as it is a steam train.

What do you call Batman and Robin after the get run over by a steam roller?

Flatman and Ribbon.

How did Thomas the Tank become a faster steam engine?

He trained.

A man joins a very exclusive nudist colony

On his first day there, he takes off his clothes and starts to wander around. A gorgeous petite blonde walks by, and the man immediately gets an erection.

The woman notices his erection, comes over to him and says, 'Did you call for me?'

The man replies, 'No, what do you mean?'

...

What's brown and comes steaming out of cows?

The Isle of Wight ferry!

Steam is having a sale right now on Finnish games.

Next week they'll go back to selling unfinished games.

I heard there's a new Bread simulator game on Steam..

It's a great game if you're just loafing around.

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A lemon, a potato, and a pea all had a tough week working at the grocery store...

...so they decided to let off some steam with a bar crawl at the weekend.

They had a great time, hitting bar after bar, knocking back drinks, but being so genetically different, the alcohol affected them each in different ways: the lemon got very acidic and refluxy; the potato, being a big st...

It was George the Mailman's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighborhood. When he arrived at the first house on his route, he was greeted by the whole family who congratulated him and sent him on his way with a tidy gift envelope.

At the second house, they presented him with a box of fine cigars. The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing lures.

At the fourth house, he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful blonde woman in a revealing negligee. She took him by the hand, gently led h...

What did Tupac say when he drove a steam train?

*I didn't choose the chug life, the chug life chose me.*

Teacher to a sleepy kid in class: Who invented the Steam engine?

Student trying to act awake: What sir?

Teacher : Correct, James Watt invented the steam engine.

[not mine, I heard it a few years ago, just had this in my thought train]

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I am Pierre

Pierre, a brave French fighter pilot, takes his girlfriend, Marie, out for a pleasant little picnic by the River Seine. It's a beautiful day and love is in the air.

Marie leans over to Pierre and says, "Pierre, kiss me!"

Pierre grabs a bottle of Merlot and splashes it on Marie's lips...

Did you hear about the guy who jumped in front of a steam train?

He was chuffed to bits.

What brown, steams, and can be found under a piano stool?

Beethoven's last movement.

Why isn't there a neutron mod in the Skyrim Steam Workshop?

Because there'd be no charge.

Al Pacino's brother is steaming that his parents...

named him Cap.

My grandfather's dying wish was to be pushed in front of a steam train.

When it finally happened, he was chuffed to bits.

(Real Story) All of a sudden, my Steam language was set to Russian.

I was changing it back to English, when my hand slipped. But it's okay, now. I have everything in Czech.

It's my cake day, so I wanna share my favorite joke :-)

Jack wakes up with a huge hangover after attending his company's party. He is not normally a drinker, but the drinks didn't taste like alcohol at all. He didn't even remember how he got home from the party. As bad as he was feeling, he wondered if he did something wrong.

He forced himself to ...

Some people won't stop complaining about Steam's new updates...

... I guess they just can't see the Big Picture.

(Just thought of this and wanted to share.)

Two guys from Michigan die and wake up in hell.

Two guys from Michigan die and wake up in hell. The next day, the devil stops to check on them and sees them dressed in parkas, mittens and bomber hats, warming themselves around the fire.
The devil asks them, "What are you doing? Isn't it hot enough for you?"

The two guys reply, "Well, yo...

I like my camgirls like I like my French fries.

Steaming hot and covered in oil.

Two flies are sitting on a steaming pile of horse manure.

One of the flies grunts and breaks wind. The other fly says, "Geez! Do you mind? I"m trying to eat over here!"

The Divorce Settlement

On the first day, he sadly packed his belongings into boxes, crates and suitcases.

On the second day, he had the movers come to collect his things.

On the third day, he sat down for the last time at their beautiful dining-room table, by candle-light; he put on some soft background musi...

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What do you get when you cross a raccoon, and a steam roller?

What do you get when you cross a raccoon, and a steam roller?

Rascal Flatts.

My mate always said he wanted to be run over by a steam train when it was his time to die. He got his way...

I guess he was chuffed to bits.

A joke my pastor told this morning at church

A woman has a heart attack. During this, she dies and meets God.

"Will I die?" she asked.

"No," God replied, "You will live for another 40 years, 2 months, and 8 days."

At this instant, she snapped back alive. After the heart attack, she decides to make the most of her life.
...

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A man was headed into town to on a Friday night in his old pick up truck

He gets half-way to town and his truck begins making a banging noise and he pulls off to the side of the road to have a look. When he turns off the truck the noise slowly stops and he gets out to have a look.

The engine is hot, smoky and stinks like oil and gas and steam. At this point he ha...

Pupil: My neighbour, Mr Chang, got run over and killed by a steam roller. Teacher: Johnny! That’s awful and has nothing to do with the homework I set you. Sit down immediately!

Pupil: But Miss, you said we had to talk about crushed Asians.

I love taking photos of myself standing next to boiling water.

My doctor says I have selfie steam issues.

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A man invites some of his fetish club over for breakfast....

They are catching up on life and swapping stories about work, their grandkids’ birthdays, their recent stock market fortunes, and so on, when the subject of what they’re most proud of comes up.

Gerald, a 35 year old dentist, proudly exclaims, “Of everyone here, I by far, have the larges...

My dad said he'd delete my computer games if I didn't finish mowing the lawn. I did the first half pretty quickly...

but now I'm losing Steam.

Husband and wife are putting up Holiday decorations

when husband offers to hang the wreath. “But sweetums, you are inept and you have no tools,” says the wife. Husband shrugs and goes to Lowe’s to buy a hammer. He walks past a display for the new, Elf Steam Multi-Tool. The marketing was brilliant and it had a drill, three saws, and a sander - all wor...

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A man walks into a restaurant after a bull fight

A man walks into a Spanish restaurant after a big bull fight. He looks at the menu for a bit and spots ‘meatballs del toro’. So he calls the waiter over and orders this plate. Later, two giant, steaming meatballs come out atop a large plate of spaghetti. Best meatballs the man has ever had. He leave...

I had a party for the worlds greatest historical figures, here are their RSVPs

Isaac Newton: "I'll drop in."

Socrates: "I'll think about it."

Charles Darwin: "I'll wait to see what evolves."

Marie Curie: "I am radiating enthusiasm."

Ivan Pavlov: "I'm positively drooling at the thought."

Albert Einstein: "It will ...

[Repost] Two Muffins

Two muffins are in an oven. One says, "Wow, it's hot in here..." The other says, "HOLY **** A TALKING MUFFIN!"

[Source](https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/14xi0m/make_me_laugh_and_ill_gift_you_one_game_on_steam/c7i265g)

I like my coffee how I like my men...

Steaming hot and ready to burn me.

What's the easiest way to lose 20 pounds?

The Steam summer sale

Dihydrogen Monoxide is a complex term that can confuse many people

But to make it simple, it really just boils down to steam.

If you find it hard to take pictures of yourself in the sauna...

You have selfie-steam issues.

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A man goes to a restaurant and sees a sign by the door

The sign reads: "Order anything you want, if we cannot make it, you get $300."
So, when the waiter comes he orders steamed elephant testicles with fried giraffe tongue on toast. The waiter goes to the kitchen and gives the cook the order. The kitchen staff is frantic and scrambles to find what ...

Whenever I go to a sauna, I must have the whole thing to my self...

I have selfish steam issues.

A man has one day to live.

He’s lying in bed, dying. All of a sudden an amazing smell wafts across the bedroom. His wife had cooked his favorite, strawberry rhubarb pie.

He musters the strength to get to his feet, and slowly exits the bedroom and walks down the stairs, the sweet smell of pie growing ever stronger. He e...

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A bartender walks into...

A bartender walks into a chemistry lab to drop off the yearly water sample. The lab guys are excited to have a visitor and even more since it’s a bartender. They invite him to their back room. One end is filled with huge bubbling fermentation flasks. The other is equally crammed with distillation ap...

While driving to work this morning I rear-ended a car at a traffic light.

When the driver got out... I noticed that he was a dwarf.

He steamed up to my car and said, 'I'm not happy...'.

So I said, 'Well, which one are you then?'

Youbg boy tells mum "I saw daddy..."

"....in the nearby park, he was parked and with a woman, I went up to the car as the windows were steamed up, I saw they were busy and they were naked and he was doing press ups like we do at school, but he was on top of the naked woman "

Mum is super mad, she quizzes the boy and with growing...

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An elderly inventor was becoming depressed with his life: his hearing was failing, his wife was always nagging him, he hadn't invented anything good in years, and his former good looks had been replaced by wrinkles and sagging skin.

He goes to the doctor to discuss his depression. When he arrives back home he has a huge smile on his face. He rushed past his wife and heads into the basement, where he immediately starts tinkering with a brand new invention.

His wife comes downstairs, gives the invention a once-over, then...

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