What do you call it when a Steam user moves house?

A pro gamer move

What do you call a steam engine that transports low purity meth?

Thomas the Crank Engine

If fire and water are both elements, what is steam?

Better than Epic.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Note: Never piss off a musician with a steam roller

Unless you want to B♭

Ben Shapiro was loyal to Steam

All his friends, family, and co-workers knew that Ben would defend Steam in any argument, claiming it to be the superior game launcher, and the only one people should use. His loyalty was unmoving, and even gained him some branding deals with Valve.



One day while Ben was on his comput...

I recently got ran over by a steam roller

people said i should be offended, but i was flattered.

Saw a really nice steam train today.

I was chuffed.

A man joins a very exclusive nudist colony.

A man joins a very exclusive nudist colony. On his first day there he takes off his clothes and starts to wander around. A gorgeous petite blonde walks by and the man immediately gets an erection.

The woman notices his erection, comes over to him and says, "Did you call for me?"

The ma...

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A lemon, a potato, and a pea all had a tough week working at the grocery store...

...so they decided to let off some steam with a bar crawl at the weekend.

They had a great time, hitting bar after bar, knocking back drinks, but being so genetically different, the alcohol affected them each in different ways: the lemon got very acidic and refluxy; the potato, being a big st...

I love taking photos of myself standing next to boiling water.

My doctor says I have selfie steam issues.

I filled a steam engine with Holy Water.

The Power of Christ Propels You!
The Power of Christ Propels You!
The Power of Christ Propels You!

Two old men were waiting for their steam train which was running late.

"I know this train driver, his name is Bob. First time he's ever been late," one says.

"All train drivers are late some days," replies the other.

"No, not Bob, ever. He may never speak to anyone, or even look them in the eye, but he gets on that train and burns his secret ingredient an...

I was looking for a Dating Simulator on Steam.

It said "Sorry, no matches found."

The level of realism is incredible.

So my rich brother in law bought a Jag. And one day while he was at a stop light

My destitute nephew, Ronnie, pulled up beside him in his 2003 Toyota. 

They are happy to see each other, the difference in wealth has never been an issue between them.

"How are you nephew?" say Mel “Have you seen my new Jag?"

"My that’s a fancy car, so let me ask you, what kind ...

Did you hear about the guy who jumped in front of a steam train?

He was chuffed to bits.

Our friend always wanted to be run over by a steam train. Last week we made his dream come true!

He was chuffed to bits.

Teacher to a sleepy kid in class: Who invented the Steam engine?

Student trying to act awake: What sir?

Teacher : Correct, James Watt invented the steam engine.


[not mine, I heard it a few years ago, just had this in my thought train]

Why do metalheads like steam engines so much?

They do a lot of chugging.

A crab, a tuna, a lobster, and a Chinese man being run over by a steam roller. What doesn't belong?

The Tuna, since all of the others are crushedasians.

Girl, you’re like steam.

Too hot, but I’ll try touching you anyway.

^^^^^.


^^^^^.


^^^^^.

(This is just a joke. Dont actually do this.)

Pupil: My neighbour, Mr Chang, got run over and killed by a steam roller. Teacher: Johnny! That’s awful and has nothing to do with the homework I set you. Sit down immediately!

Pupil: But Miss, you said we had to talk about crushed Asians.

Steam is having a sale right now on Finnish games.

Next week they'll go back to selling unfinished games.

How did Thomas the Tank become a faster steam engine?

He trained.

What do Steam users and Reddit admins have in common?

They don't want to pay for mods.

What did Tupac say when he drove a steam train?

*I didn't choose the chug life, the chug life chose me.*

My grandfather's dying wish was to be pushed in front of a steam train.

When it finally happened, he was chuffed to bits.

My friend is obsessed with taking blurry pictures of himself while taking a shower.

He has serious selfie steam issues.

I heard there's a new Bread simulator game on Steam..

It's a great game if you're just loafing around.

What brown, steams, and can be found under a piano stool?

Beethoven's last movement.

(Real Story) All of a sudden, my Steam language was set to Russian.

I was changing it back to English, when my hand slipped. But it's okay, now. I have everything in Czech.

Why are steam trains naughty around Christmas?

They're hoping Santa will give them a lump of coal.

[Repost] Two Muffins

Two muffins are in an oven. One says, "Wow, it's hot in here..." The other says, "HOLY **** A TALKING MUFFIN!"

[Source](https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/14xi0m/make_me_laugh_and_ill_gift_you_one_game_on_steam/c7i265g)

What do you call a superhero-duo run over by a steam roller?

Flatman and Ribbon.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you get when you cross a raccoon, and a steam roller?

What do you get when you cross a raccoon, and a steam roller?


Rascal Flatts.

Why isn't there a neutron mod in the Skyrim Steam Workshop?

Because there'd be no charge.

An explorer in the African jungle heard about a plan to capture the legendary King Kong.

And sure enough when he came to a clearing there before him, imprisoned in a cage, sat the imposing figure of King Kong.


It occurred to the explorer that he could be the first person ever to touch the great ape and so tentatively he inched towards the cage. Since King Kong appeared quite ...

Some people won't stop complaining about Steam's new updates...

... I guess they just can't see the Big Picture.

(Just thought of this and wanted to share.)

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

College professor is experiencing a “slow-down” in his sex-life with his wife...

... so he is trying to figure out how to spice it up. He is hearing that there is a foreign student who has a lot of luck with girls on the campus so he decides to ask him for advice.

“Paolo, how are you doing it?”
“Well professor, right before I am about to do it with a girl, I whip my j...

My friend has a habit of taking blurry pictures of himself in the bathroom mirror after taking hot showers...

I thunk he has a high selfie steam problem.

[OC]I have a black Asian friend named Bill Wong.

Bill has been my best friend all of my life since like 3rd grade. Recently, he met this girl named Emma Wong and fell in love with her. She is also a black Asian with the same last name.

To be honest, I’m kinda jealous. Ever since he met her he stopped talking to me and if I try to talk...

Dumb fisherman.

Two buddies are fishing,   but they haven't caught anything all day.   Then,   another fisherman walks by with a huge load of fish.   They ask him   "excuse me,   but where did you get all those fish?"

The other fisherman replies,   "If you just go down the steam until the water isn't salty, ...

American intervention is kind of like my cooking...

It always involves a lot of oil... I steam in without really knowing what I'm doing... and lots of people die.

Whenever I go to a sauna, I must have the whole thing to my self...

I have selfish steam issues.

Metro: Exodus is the 3rd game in the Metro series.

No wonder its not releasing on Steam.

Pirate Barrel

One day a new recruit boards a famous pirate ship and is given the tour of it.Finally, the captain shows him a big barrel with a hole on the side beneath the stairs of the ship and tells him:
-This is where we men take out some steam maety, you can use it every day of the week except for Mondays<...

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I am Pierre

Pierre, a brave French fighter pilot, takes his girlfriend, Marie, out for a pleasant little picnic by the River Seine. It's a beautiful day and love is in the air.

Marie leans over to Pierre and says, "Pierre, kiss me!"

Pierre grabs a bottle of Merlot and splashes it on Marie's lips...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Businessman in Japan

So an American businessman had a trip to Japan where he was to have a meeting with Japanese company CEO.

So when he arrived to Tokyo, he decided to hire a local prostitute to blow some steam off the night before the meeting. As they were doing it, he noticed she constantly screamed ''Machigat...

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Four women go on a road trip

No real reason, they just need to blow off some steam.

They pick a random highway and start driving. They're having a great time, laughing and joking the whole time. It's starting to get late, and they see a billboard advertising a hotel for women only.

Intrigued, they take the turnoff...

I just can’t take pictures of myself anymore...

I’ve run out of selfie-steam.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Have you heard the one about the horse that no look so good? [Long]

In 1980, a man is driving through the south Arizona desert on his way from Florida to California on business. Somewhere in the middle of nowhere his car starts to sputter, steam billows from the hood and the car comes to a stop on the edge of the road.

As he gets out he inspects the car and c...

Penguin in the Desert

A penguin is driving his car through the desert when steam starts pouring out from under the hood. Luckily, he sees a gas station up ahead. The penguin pulls into the station and while the mechanic checks out his car in the garage, the penguin goes into the mini-market for an iced cream. As he walks...

What's the easiest way to lose 20 pounds?

The Steam summer sale

Why did the angry kettle feel calm after he was scammed?

He just had to let off some steam

I took ten photos of myself in the shower, but hated them all.

Turns out I have selfie-steam issues

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man is travelling through some English country lanes . . .

. . . when his car breaks down next to a field.
He gets out and lifts up the bonnet. Steam gushes into his face. 'Jesus, where do i start?' He says.

'Check the radiator' a voice says.

The man looks around, all he can see are 2 horses standing in a field. He checks the radiator, all ...

What's the difference between 9gag and a Russian sauna?

One is full of male steam, the other is full of stale memes.

What do you call an emotional train?

A self-steam engine.

An Eskimo was driving into town...

On an uncommonly hot day, when the car lost power and steam starting rolling out from under the hood. He called a local garage who sent a tow-truck to retrieve him.

Knowing he’d want to get on the road before dark he asks, "How long will it be?" The mechanic replies, "Not sure, I’ll have to ...

An old man orders a chicken from the diner...

The irascible old gentleman had ordered a chicken from the menu, but when he got it, he wasn’t satisfied.

“Waiter!” he yelled. “Bring a charge of dynamite and a hatchet and a double steam power jackhammer—that’s the only way I can carve this bird!”

The waiter was desolate. “Very sorry,...

Aboriginal Rituals

A couple years back, I stumbled on a surprising reference to the astonishing longevity of Aboriginal shamans living in the Australian outback. Reliable birth records aren't available before the early 20th century, but government officials have noted an astounding number of nonagenarians and centenar...

Why is Jesus less powerful than a locomotive?

Because Jesus could only walk on water but a locomotive runs on steam.

In response to the invitation for a rather unusual REUNION of all time greats

* Newton said he'd drop in.
* Socrates said he'd think about it.
* Ohm resisted the idea.
* Boyle said he was under too much pressure.
* Darwin said he'd wait to see what evolved.
* Pierre and Marie Curie radiated enthusiasm.
* Volta was electrified at the prospect.
* Pavlov pos...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A guy walks into a bar, sees a gorgeous woman sitting there, and he says to her...

"Baby, you're so sexy, I'm gonna twist your nipples 'til they're raw."

A little taken aback, she says "Excuse me?"

The man continues, "Baby, you're so sexy, I'm gonna bend you over and beat your ass with a stick."

Starting to get a bit offended she says "Dude, you can fuck right...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A joke my dad used to tell my brother and me. Long but worth it IMO.

Three men die and find themselves in a waiting room outside the gates of heaven.

An angel enters the room and says, "hey guys. We've had a really busy day. A lot of good people died today and we are almost at capacity for the day. However, if you explain how you died, maybe I can make some r...

If you find it hard to take pictures of yourself in the sauna...

You have selfie-steam issues.

My friend keeps buying games, but never finds time to play them!

He says it's his way of blowing off steam.

What happens to water when it gets all fired up?

It lets off steam.

^^...I'm ^^sorry

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Mother Superior and a young nun are driving across Europe...

The young nun is driving. They get to Transylvania and are stopped at a traffic light. Suddenly, a diminutive vampire jumps onto the hood of the car and hisses through the windshield.

"Quick, quick!!" shouts the young nun, "What shall I do?"

"Turn the windscreen wipers on, that will g...

How many PETA members does it take to change a lightbulb?

None, because PETA can't change anything.


-A joke I found inside the game manual for Super Meat Boy for Steam.

What does the train use to fuel it's gaming addiction?

Steam.

I'm so sorry.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man finds out his wife is cheating on him...

... So he goes to the golf course to blow off some steam and meets a fellow golfer. After a couple rounds he starts to vent to him about his situation.

When the man finishes his story, the new found friend reveals that he is a hit man and charges $1000 bucks per kill. The man contemplates thi...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The Penguin Collector

So, there's this guy. This guy collects penguins. He doesn't collect penguin statues or toys or anything, he collects real, living penguins. Penguins of all sorts, Emperor Penguins, King Penguins, Little Penguins, African Penguins, all the penguins.

Now, these penguins live all over his hous...

Where does Peter Gabriel get his video games from?

Steam

What do you call a discount sauna?

A steam sale

Tim was a fan of tractors all his life...

When he was young he had a tractor bed spread, toys and posters. He would tell all his friends at school of the latest tractor models being made and loved them more than anything. The years went by and eventually Tim was old enough to drive a tractor and so for his birthday his parents took him down...

Why do hipsters only buy games from GOG?

Because other stores are too mainSteam.

Why did the angry skeptic keep ignoring official reports about the eventual release of Half-Life 3?

He was blowing off Steam

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