With a heavy load this semester, a student is under great pressure to maintain a 4.0 GPa

That's 400000000 Pa, and that's a lot of pressure.

I hate peer pressure.

You should too!

Why didn’t the doctor prescribe lisinopril for Snoopy’s high blood pressure?

Ace inhibitors are contraindicated in Sopwith pilots.

My friend was bleeding profusely and the first aid book told me to apply pressure.

I told him if he didn't stop bleeding right away he was going to die.

I once worked with a very musically talented Jamaican who, after years of auditions for various instruments, got a gig in the local orchestra playing the triangle - not his first choice. One day he came in super stressed looking. I said "What's up? Can't handle the pressure of performing on stage?"

He says, "You have no idea mon, I be responsible for every ting."

Hipster peer pressure...

C'mon... no one else is doing it.

My doctor has just diagnosed me as having low blood pressure.

He’s given me a prescription for two Ikea self-assembly wardrobes.

I never really used to enjoy peer pressure

But then my friends got me into it.

When four of Santa's elves got sick and the trainee elves didn't produce the toys as fast as the regular ones, Santa was beginning to feel the pressure of being behind schedule…

Then Mrs. Claus told Santa that her mom was coming to visit.

This stressed Santa even more.

When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two had jumped the fence and were out, heaven knows where.

More stress.

Then, when he...

When under pressure, just start counting in spanish

It undo stres

A vacationing penguin is driving his car through Arizona when he notices that the oil pressure light is on.

He gets out to look and sees oil dripping out of the motor. He drives to the nearest town and stops at the first gas station.

After dropping the car off, the penguin goes for a walk around town. He sees an ice-cream shop and, being a penguin in Arizona, decides that something cold would reall...

A married couple went to the hospital to have their baby delivered.

Upon their arrival, the doctor said he had invented a new machine that would transfer a portion of the mother's labor pain to the father. He asked if they were willing to try it out. They were both very much in favor of it.

The doctor set the pain transfer to 10% for starters, explaining that...

How does a quadriplegic swimmer handle peer pressure?

He just goes with the flow.

What's the best part about being 100 years old?

No peer pressure.

Cool under pressure

There are 11 people hanging onto a rope that comes down from an airplane. 10 of them are blonde, and one is a brunette. They all decide that one person should get off because if they don't, the rope will break and everyone will die. No one can decide who should go, so finally the brunette delivers a...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I added some pressure to my tires today.

I leaned in close and whispered "You lose anymore air I'll fucking cut you myself"

My doctor just prescribed me blood pressure medication

it was a tough pill to swallow

Why are assembly programmers always under a lot of pressure?

Because they work below C level

Why are dogs afraid to go to space?

Because of the vacuum

Edit: Sorry if this joke is ruff

Double Edit: on the other hand, when I go to space I feel no pressure

The coal industry has been under a lot of pressure to change

In other news, the diamond industry continues to grow.

Dad: Have you heard about the pressure washer?

Dad: "have you heard about the pressure washer?"

Daughter: "no."

Dad: *rolls eyes* "pshhhhhhhhhhhhh."

I went to the doctor and he said you have the blood pressure of a 14 year old kid

I said great. He said, not so great, a 14 year old *American* child. You got four months to live.

Kids are so fat these days the first letters they learn in the alphabet are not ABC, it's KFC

Kids are so fat these days they use cheat codes to play Pokemon Go

Kids are so fat ...

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Pressure on, testicles off.

Joe was moderately successful in his career, but as he got older he was increasingly hampered by incredible headaches. When his personal hygiene and love life started to suffer, he sought medical help.

After being referred from one specialist to another, he finally came across a doctor who so...

What do we call pressure cooking gone wrong?

A blast.

Not caving into peer pressure can be tough but i always walk away from it.

Which has been a lot easier since the DUI i got the night everyone tried to convince me to 'take a cab home'.

An interviewer asked how I do under pressure.

I told him I'm like a rock: given enough time and pressure, I fold.

A New Radical physicist pressure group has been formed…

Black Matter Lives

What do you call a fat round orange under pressure in the White House?

Orange juice for Trump's breakfast.

When you use a knife, you press with the same force but at a much higher pressure.

That's kinda the point.

When I was young, I stopped believing in Santa despite massive peer pressure.

You could say I was a rebel without a Clause.

I can't handle the pressure of competitions.

Even in eating races I choke!

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

There's a lot of pressure for guys to have elaborate ways to ask their date to prom. One boy recently dressed up like Barbie's boyfriend Ken...

His girlfriend said why did you cut your dick off.

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The French fencer

There once was a famous French fencer. He learned how to fence at a young age and honed his skills over time, his prowess with the foil unmatched in all of France. After defeating all French contenders, he moved on to defeat fencers in nearby countries, eventually becoming the best in Europe. As his...

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Fart Soccer

An old married couple no sooner hit the pillows when the man passes gas and says, "1-0".

His wife rolls over and says, "What in the world was that?" The old man replied "it's fart soccer."

A few minutes later his wife lets one go and says, "Goal! Tie score..."

After about five m...

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Since I was a young boy,

my father has imposed his religion onto me. I was home schooled because we live in the west and my father wanted me in an environment that was free from anything Haram. I couldn't associate with Hindus or Christians, anyone who ate unclean animals, or any girl.

As a teenage guy going through...

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Elephant Trunk

There was a guy who had been having chronic trouble in trying to get an erection. After weeks of frustration, he finally breaks down and and goes to the doctor. The doctor gives him a thorough examination and finally makes the diagnosis.

"Well, there's good news and there's bad news," she say...

The Surgeon’s Operation

A surgeon urgently left for work one morning after hearing that a new patient just came in with 3 tumors. He got there as quickly as he could, despite living roughly half an hour away. He managed to get to work before any of his coworkers that were capable of operating on the new patient could. He r...

I'm going to quit my job working on this submarine

I'm under a lot of pressure

A reporter interviewed a 103-year-old woman.

"And what is the best thing about being 103?" the reporter asked.

She simply replied, "No peer pressure."

- Doc, how did you know that I have high blood pressure?

- You make mosquitoes explode!

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3 dead men

(Note: buckel the fuck up because this is a long one)

There are three dead men next to each other on the stairway to heaven. They decide to all share their stories on how they died, one man goes first.

"I live on the 22nd floor on a 30 floor building. I had suspected my wife had been c...

A weatherman walks into 1bar...

... and comes under some pressure.

I just found out my little brother has been forced to smoke at school by some mad french foreign exchange student.

It was Pierre pressure

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Going to be a father in April and remembered this classic:

A new machine had come out in the medicine field and a doctor was working with a pregnant couple that wanted to participate in the clinical trials.

"This machine," he says, "once hooked up to the mother will make it so she feels none of the pain, but the father will have to endure all of it."...

I had five hundred Kit Kats in my fridge and my mate had one in his. I pressured him into giving his to a homeless person.

That's basically how celebrity charity appeals work.

What do you call a chef on a time constraint?

A pressure cooker

Why did the first monkey fall out of the tree?

It was dead.

Why did the second monkey fall out of the tree?
It was stapled to the first monkey.

Why did the third monkey fall out of the tree?
Peer pressure.

A group of Christians are tasked with changing a lightbulb.

The Charismatic changes it easily; his hands are already up.

​

The Roman Catholic refuses; he prefers candles.

​

The Pentecostal changes it while his friends pray against the Lord of Darkness.

​

The Christian Scientist can't,...

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A man went to the doctor complaining about erectile dysfunction...

A man went to the doctor and told him that he was having trouble maintaining an erection. After a complete exam the doctor told the man that the muscles around the base of his penis were damaged from a prior viral infection and there was nothing he could do for him.

However, he knew of an exp...

The Cool Clam Club

Deep beneath the ocean there is an exclusive club known for only having the coolest of clams in their midst. This was called the Cool Clam Club.


Now, the Cool Clam Club was known across the seven seas as one of the most prestigious clubs known to seakind due to the fact that their initia...

Why is a egg bad in the interrogation room?

Because it always cracks under pressure.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

My wife and I were having great difficulty conceiving

We tried everything, got tested, tried in vitro, etc. Nothing worked. Finally, the doctor said we were putting too much pressure on ourselves. He said to throw away the charts and the thermometer and just enjoy sex again, doing it whenever mood struck.

On morning at breakfest, I was reading t...

A man bought a new lamp on Amazon.

When it arrived, he noticed a dirty spot and tried to rub it off with a damp paper towel.

Suddenly, a scruffy glowing teenager appeared and said "Hey man, thanks for freeing me from this lamp. In return, I will grant you three wishes!"

The man was stunned. "You're a genie?"

"Yea...

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A man walks into the doctor's office for a check up.

The man is new in town and it's his first time in the clinic. The doctor starts by checking the man's blood pressure.

Doc: Have you any history of heart disease in your family?

Man: Yes, actually. My father suffered a number of heart attacks.

The doctor reaches for his stethosc...

A meteorologist walks into a bar

Low pressure, it’s probably going to rain

Gandalf, Aragorn, Merry and Pippin were walking through the woods.

Merry and Pippin realized they'd had a bit too much ale and hurried off into the trees to relieve the pressure, so to speak.

When they returned, Gandalf realized they'd... forgotten something. Since he didn't want to embarrass them in front of Aragorn, he leaned in and whispered dramatically...

A very nervous man goes to his doctor

“Mr Wilson,” “the doctor says, “What seems to be the problem?”

“Well doc, a couple months ago I came home from work and caught my wife in bed with another man! In anger I took my gun and went to kill him, but he stopped me and said ‘Hey, hey, hey, come on now, there’s no need for that. Let’s...

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Are My Testicles Black?

A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose. A young student nurse appears and gives him a partial sponge bath.

"Nurse," he mumbles from behind the mask, "are my testicles black?"

Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, ...

Why did the boat dock collapse under it's own weight?

Too much pier pressure.

Quick, you have ten minutes to create an absolute vacuum

no pressure

A Bridge in the Desert

In 2006, the president of Poland met with former US President Bush at a meeting of NATO.

While there, the Polish president asked Bush for a favor. Looking to help an ally, Bush asked what he needed.

"Well, you see in Poland we are having a serious crisis of morale," he began. "You see...

Did you know that women do not fart?

You have to keep your mouth shut to build up pressure!

A new nurse starts working at the hospital and is assigned to go take the vitals of the patients on the floor.

A second nurse is assigned to follow her to make sure she does it right and to check her work. The new nurse is chatting about how her nursing school is really pushing all kinds of new modern techniques and she can't wait to use them every day.

In the first patient's room, the nurse takes the...

Why did the carbon boy turn into diamond?

Peer pressure at school

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

My friends say I’m funny so I figured I’d write a joke.

So I went to a proctologist (read: butt doctor) because I’d been having some long term constipation and I figured I’d better get a prostate check to punch two holes in my club card, it was a real problem as funny as it sounds. Anyway I get there and I’m waiting in this cold room when a dude in a doc...

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The perils of planning a Christmas party

FROM: Pauline Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: November 4

RE: Christmas Party

I’m happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will take place on December 23, starting at noon in the private function room at the Grill House. There will be a cash bar...

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A young man was wandering, lost, in a forest when he came upon a small house.

Knocking on the door he was greeted by an ancient Chinese man with a long, gray beard.
"I'm lost," said the man. "Can you put me up for the night?"
"Certainly," the Chinese man said, "but on one condition. If you so much as lay a finger on my daughter I will inflict upon you the three worst C...

A Vampire walks into a bank and pulls a gun out

“Hands up, this is a robbery!” He declares, as he starts forcing the teller to fill a sack with cash.

One of the customers, cracking slightly under the pressure asks; “Hey, shouldn’t you be robbing a blood bank?”

The vampire turns to them and grins.
“No, see, I’m cursed.” He explain...

What’s a crips biggest health concern

High bloods pressure

A doctor was being questioned at the court.

Attorney: Doctor, before performing the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?

Doctor: No.

Attorney: Did you check for blood pressure?

Doctor: No

Attorney: Did you check for breathing?

Doctor: No

Attorney: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when...