UPJOKE
forcepascalcoercepushpresssqueezepressingstressnewtonurgencyblood pressuremomentumareamovecompression

I had five hundred Hershey Bars in my fridge and my friend had one in his. I pressured him into giving his to a homeless person.

That's basically how celebrity charity appeals work.

My friend was bleeding, and the first aid book told me to apply pressure.

So I told him if he didn't stop bleeding right away, he'd die.

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Wealthy marriage facing economical pressure

They have decided to start saving up money



"Well honey, as you can see, we're getting through serious money trouble, so we need to do sacrifices" the man told her "I was thinking that you might start to learn to do the laundry so we can fire the laundry man"



And her wif...

I don't believe in peer pressure.

Unless my friends do...

Ever heard of the third eye pressure point?

Its a spot between the eyebrows that can help alleviate stress and tension. Explains why talking to certain people makes me wanna bang my forehead against a wall.

A vacationing penguin is driving his car through Arizona when he notices that the oil pressure light is on.

He gets out to look and sees oil dripping out of the motor. He drives to the nearest town and stops at the first gas station.

After dropping the car off, the penguin goes for a walk around town. He sees an ice-cream shop and, being a penguin in Arizona, decides that something cold would reall...

The pressure of a gas is inversely proportional to its volume—Boyle’s Law.

Any leftover cabbage must be shredded and mixed with mayonnaise.

—-Cole’s Law.

Justin Timberlake is under pressure from the US government to reveal the location of his secret fishing villa in war-torn Ukraine.

His only response is, Crimea River.

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The water pressure on my bidet is way too high…

It’s a real pain in the ass.

If you apply enough heat and pressure to Kid Rock...

he turns into Neil Diamond.

I hired a monk to redo my bathroom floors, and he put me under an immense amount of pressure.

It was tile by friar.

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Joe had suffered from really bad headaches for the last 20 years. He eventually decides to go and see a Doctor.

The Doctor said, 'Joe, the good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition which causes your testicles to press on your spine and the pressure creates one hell of a headache.

The only way to relieve the pressure is to rem...

Genie granted me one wish, but with a condition that my enemy will get two times more

I asked for 120/80 blood pressure

After some pressure from his family a man who is hard of hearing visits his doctor.

After a lengthy examination, the doctor identifies the problem and prescribes the solution. He takes it and the doctor tells him to come back in a week to check that everything is A-OK.

A week later he revisits. The doc announces, "You're hearing is perfect. Your family must be delighted."...

Was asked in an interview if I could perform under pressure.

I said I'm not sure but I can definitely perform "another one bites the dust"

Brett Kavanaugh has stated that he will not be pressured into withdrawing his Supreme Court bid by the allegations made against him.

He sounds like the kind of guy who just won't take 'no' for an answer.

Jokes about drowning billionaires are disgusting.

I mean, how low can you go?

Why are dogs afraid to go to space?

Because of the vacuum

Edit: Sorry if this joke is ruff

Double Edit: on the other hand, when I go to space I feel no pressure

A chemistry professor posted a bonus question to an exam:

Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?

Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant.

One student, however, wrote the following:

First, we need to know ...

Why do men fart more often than women?

Because women don't close their mouths long enough to build up the pressure.

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I was told that my high blood pressure made any sexual activity risky, so I asked my doctor.

After my physical, the doctor told me that I could masturbate anytime I wanted to.

His exact words were, "You could have a stroke at any time!"

Did you know that, with enough pressure, the human lung will burst like a balloon?

Anyway, I lost my medical license today.

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I added some pressure to my tires today.

I leaned in close and whispered "You lose anymore air I'll fucking cut you myself"

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The Hospital

A sweet old lady telephoned the hospital.

She timidly asked, "Is it possible to speak to someone who can tell me how a patient is doing?"

The operator said, "I can, what's the name and room number?"

The old laday in her weak voice said, "Doreen Jacobs, Room 604."

The ope...

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A suspected Covid-19 male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose. A young student female nurse appears and gives him a partial sponge bath.

"Nurse,"' he mumbles from behind the mask, "are my testicles black?"

Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, Sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet."

He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, please check for me. Are my testicles black?"

Concerned that he migh...

I never really used to enjoy peer pressure

But then my friends got me into it.

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Interviewer: "In your CV, you wrote that you can perform under pressure. Can you give an example?"

Interviewee: "Sure. Mmm num ba de, dum bum ba be, doo buh dum ba beh beh, pressure pushing down on me..."

I was going to tell you a joke about peer pressure...

...but my friends talked me out of it.

Why did the pressure cooker jump off the pier?

Peer pressure!

What's the best part about being 111 years old?

There's no peer pressure.

A physician said, "You have High Blood Pressure"

"High blood pressure? Well Doc. It comes from my family."
"Your mother's side or your father's?" The Doctor asked.
"Neither," I replied. "It's from my wife's family."
"How could your wife's family give you high blood pressure?"
I sighed. "You oughta meet 'em sometime, Doc!"

I nervously applied to sing on American Idol and Simon Cowell asked if I could perform under pressure.

I said no,but I could do Bohemian Rhapsody!

The guys at the Delhi Deli pressured me into having a BLT on Indian bread instead of rye.

Now I like such a naan conformist.

Cool under pressure

There are 11 people hanging onto a rope that comes down from an airplane. 10 of them are blonde, and one is a brunette. They all decide that one person should get off because if they don't, the rope will break and everyone will die. No one can decide who should go, so finally the brunette delivers a...

A married couple went to the hospital to have their baby delivered.

Upon their arrival, the doctor said he had invented a new machine that would transfer a portion of the mother's labor pain to the father. He asked if they were willing to try it out. They were both very much in favor of it.

The doctor set the pain transfer to 10% for starters, explaining that...

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"The only time I relax is when I'm processing all the horrible shit everybody pressures me into dealing with," I told my therapist.

"AITA?"

What do you call a fish that's been pressure cooked ?

fishhhh...



fishhhh...



fishhhh...

You wanna know my opinion on negative pressure?

It sucks!

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A man scores a hot date Not wanting to disappoint his date in the bedroom, he goes to the doctor to get his penis enlarged.

The doctor says, "we happen to have a new experimental procedure that uses muscle cells from an elephant trunk that should do the trick." To which the man accepts.

Later on, the man and his date are having dinner. The man is in love with her, but is experiencing an increasingly uncomfortable ...

When four of Santa's elves got sick and the trainee elves didn't produce the toys as fast as the regular ones, Santa was beginning to feel the pressure of being behind schedule…

Then Mrs. Claus told Santa that her mom was coming to visit.

This stressed Santa even more.

When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two had jumped the fence and were out, heaven knows where.

More stress.

Then, when he...

This was Actually Said..

This was actually said in court and taken from a transcript:

Lawyer: "Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?"

Witness: "No."

Lawyer: "Did you check for blood pressure?"

Witness: "No."

Lawyer: "Did you check for breathing?"

Witne...

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A man was pressured by his parents to attend a formal gathering...

Everything was going fairly well. He was largely being ignored, which was for the best so he avoided saying anything to embarrass himself.
Unfortunately, he had been holding in a nearly full bladder full a while and it could not wait until the end of the party. he had no choice but to walk up to ...

My SO has a foot fetish which I've never found appealing. After a bit of pressure and experimenting, my SO finally won me over.

I ultimately accepted defeat.

Why did the skeptic suffer from high blood pressure?

He was taking everything with a grain of salt.

What do you call a fish that is pressure cooked ?

Fishhhhhhhh
Fisssssshhhhh
Fiisssshhhhhhhh
(Three whistles )

Everybody needs to lay off the criticism of that Titan submarine guy and give him a break.

He’s under a lot of pressure right now.

When under pressure, just start counting in spanish

It undo stres

This sub could do with more Geology jokes

No pressure.

When asked how he keeps his cool under pressure...

The bomb squad captain said "either I'm right or it's not my problem anymore."

What do we call pressure cooking gone wrong?

A blast.

My French friends can get me to do anything. I'm highly susceptible to Pierre pressure.

I don't know what a "tua" is but, I think I could manage one.

Would anyone like to buy a broken barometer.

No pressure.

I am 33 and I feel like the pressure is on.

33 was the age Jesus Christ was crucified. I feel like someone really needs to nail me.

My doctor just prescribed me blood pressure medication

it was a tough pill to swallow

I can't handle the pressure of competitions.

Even in eating races I choke!

I keep on getting peer pressured into playing the flamingo game

But I'm not going to play anymore. Im putting my foot down

An interviewer asked how I do under pressure.

I told him I'm like a rock: given enough time and pressure, I fold.

Why didn’t the doctor prescribe lisinopril for Snoopy’s high blood pressure?

Ace inhibitors are contraindicated in Sopwith pilots.

Dad: Have you heard about the pressure washer?

Dad: "have you heard about the pressure washer?"

Daughter: "no."

Dad: *rolls eyes* "pshhhhhhhhhhhhh."

As we were driving down the road, "Sweet Caroline" came on the radio. I said to my son, "Little known fact, Neil Diamond used to be called Neil Coal."

"Until the pressure got to him."

I went to the doctor and he said you have the blood pressure of a 14 year old kid

I said great. He said, not so great, a 14 year old *American* child. You got four months to live.

Kids are so fat these days the first letters they learn in the alphabet are not ABC, it's KFC

Kids are so fat these days they use cheat codes to play Pokemon Go

Kids are so fat ...

A New Radical physicist pressure group has been formed…

Black Matter Lives

It wasn't any easy decision, but against all peer pressure, my wife and I have decided we don't want children.

The kids were crying when we left them at the gas station.

A man we’ll call “Egon Tusk” had just become the CEO of a large tech company.

The departing CEO left him with three envelopes numbered 1, 2 and 3.

"Open these if you run up against a problem you don't think you can solve," the departing CEO said.

Egon made a lot of changes, but six months later revenues had still not picked up and was in fact lower than when he...

Do you know how much pressure did the Cartel put on the Columbian goverment in the 80s?

1 escobar

I had a job interview today.

They asked how well I performed under pressure.

"Not bad", I told them, "but I'm much better at 'We Will Rock You'!"

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Little Johnny's mother was upset about her son's swearing habit, so she takes him to the church.

There, the priest is waiting. After finishing her own confessions, Little Johnny's mother talks about her situation.

"I don't know what to do with my son anymore, Father," she says. "He started a while ago to say swear words, and now he is saying one in every sentence."

"Why, I have ju...

I have a friend who is paralysed, which is great for high pressure situations.

She doesn’t really feel nerves anymore.

What do you call a fat round orange under pressure in the White House?

Orange juice for Trump's breakfast.

Not caving into peer pressure can be tough but i always walk away from it.

Which has been a lot easier since the DUI i got the night everyone tried to convince me to 'take a cab home'.

- Doc, how did you know that I have high blood pressure?

- You make mosquitoes explode!

Did you hear about the two melons who are being pressured by their parents into having a traditional wedding?

They cantaloupe

Why are Astronauts always so calm?

There's no pressure in space.

Humanity has colonized Venus and Mars. Venus is a pressure-cooker hellscape with an acidic atmosphere, and Mars has almost no atmosphere at all. In comparison, bad weather on Earth...

is such a first world problem.

Someone pressured me into smoking weed one time and it still scares me to this day

I call it blunt force trauma

When you use a knife, you press with the same force but at a much higher pressure.

That's kinda the point.

I bought my girlfriend a weighted blanket

But we broke up soon afterwards because she couldn’t take the pressure

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A LAWYER is getting out of his BMW when a semi rolls by, taking the open door clean off. A nearby cop has seen all of this, and runs over.

The lawyer immediately starts screaming and gesticulating about the value of his beamer and how much it’s going to cost him to get it fixed.

The cop loses his patience and says, “You lawyers are so materialistic. All you care about is money!”

The lawyer is incensed and says, “How dare...

I feel like people who write things online under fake accounts are insecure and can’t handle the pressure of having society see who they really are

-Anonymous

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