At a job interview."Can you perform under pressure?"

No ,but I can try Bohemian Rhapsody!

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A man scores a hot date

Not wanting to disappoint his date in the bedroom, he goes to the doctor to get his penis enlarged.
The doctor says, "we happen to have a new experimental procedure that uses muscle cells from an elephant trunk that should do the trick." To which the man accepts.

Later on, the man and his...

Humanity has colonized Venus and Mars. Venus is a pressure-cooker hellscape with an acidic atmosphere, and Mars has almost no atmosphere at all. In comparison, bad weather on Earth...

is such a first world problem.

I was going to tell you a joke about peer pressure...

...but my friends talked me out of it.

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A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose.

A pretty, young, student nurse appears to give him a partial sponge bath.

'Nurse', he mumbles, from behind the mask. 'Are my testicles black?'

Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, 'I don't know, Sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet.'

He struggles to ask again,...

Tom wants a job as a signalman on the railways.

He is told to meet the inspector at the signal box.

To find out how Tom would react under pressure, the inspector asks him: "What would you do if you realized that two trains were heading for each other on the same track?"

Tom says, "I would switch one train onto the other track, thus ...

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The Hospital

A sweet old lady telephoned the hospital.

She timidly asked, "Is it possible to speak to someone who can tell me how a patient is doing?"

The operator said, "I can, what's the name and room number?"

The old laday in her weak voice said, "Doreen Jacobs, Room 604."

The ope...

My grandfather’s last wish was that we convert his ashes into a diamond.

That’s a lot of pressure.

My French friends can get me to do anything. I'm highly susceptible to Pierre pressure.

I don't know what a "tua" is but, I think I could manage one.

An Attorney and a Doctor in court...

Attorney: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?

Doctor: No.

Attorney: Did you check for blood pressure?

Doctor: No.

Attorney: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?

Doctor: No.

Attorney: ...

What do you call a fish that's been pressure cooked ?

fishhhh...



fishhhh...



fishhhh...

Yesterday I called my engineer friend and asked him what he was up to

He said, “I’m working on a hydrothermic treatment of porcelain, glass and metals in an environment under controlled pressure.”

His response impressed me but I had no idea what he was talking about and so I asked him to elaborate.

He answered, “I’m doing the dishes and my wife is super...

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Wealthy marriage facing economical pressure

They have decided to start saving up money



"Well honey, as you can see, we're getting through serious money trouble, so we need to do sacrifices" the man told her "I was thinking that you might start to learn to do the laundry so we can fire the laundry man"



And her wif...

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Husband goes to a police station, says ‘My wife is missing!’

Husband goes to a police station...
“My wife is missing! She went out yesterday and has not come home...”

Sergeant at Police Station:
“What is her height?”

Husband:
“Gee, I'm not sure. A little over five-feet tall

Sergeant:
“Weight?”

Husband:
“Don't know. N...

Was asked in an interview if I could perform under pressure.

I said I'm not sure but I can definitely perform "another one bites the dust"

Brett Kavanaugh has stated that he will not be pressured into withdrawing his Supreme Court bid by the allegations made against him.

He sounds like the kind of guy who just won't take 'no' for an answer.

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NASCAR drivers are now taking Viagra to lower their blood pressure and give them an edge during stressful races.

There has been some really stiff competition lately!

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Once upon a time...

A horse lived on a farm with a pig, a sheep, and a cow. Now these were no ordinary barnyard animals - for they were bestowed the miracle of Disney animal anthropomorphism - subsequently, the farmer was very happy to have these animals in his posession and the people who came afar to see them made hi...

Why did the pressure cooker jump off the pier?

Peer pressure!

I had five hundred Kit Kats in my fridge and my mate had one in his. I pressured him into giving his to a homeless person.



That's basically how celebrity charity appeals work.

So Betsy DeVos resigned...

I guess some people were starting to pressure her to invoke the 25th amendment and she got scared because she can't count that high.

what do you call it when a dock falls on you?

pier pressure

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Jake went the doctor for manhood problems

Jake went to the doctor and told him he was having a problem, as he was unable to get his manhood erect:

The doctor checked him out then told him that the muscles around the base of the organ were damaged and there was nothing he could do for him. However, he knew of an experimental treatment...

When four of Santa’s elves got sick, the trainee elves did not produce toys as fast as the regular ones,

Santa began to feel the Pre-Christmas pressure.
Then Mrs. Claus told Santa her Mother was coming to visit, which stressed Santa even more.
When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two others had jumped the fence and were out, Heaven knows w...

I went to the doctor and he said you have the blood pressure of a 14 year old kid

I said great. He said, not so great, a 14 year old *American* child. You got four months to live.

Kids are so fat these days the first letters they learn in the alphabet are not ABC, it's KFC.

Kids are so fat these days they use cheat codes to play Pokemon Go.

Kids are so fat th...

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After a night at a singles bar, a man in his late 60's chats up two girls in their 20's, and talks them into a three way at his place the following evening (NSFW)

The next day, the pressure of satisfying two, substantially younger women begins to weigh on him. He goes to local pharmacy, and after some discussion, the old playboy heads home with a box of viagra.



The next day, he returns.

"I think I need your help again" he says to the ph...

Medical exam

During a lady's medical examination, the doctor says, "Your heart, lungs, pulse and blood pressure are all fine. Now let me see the part that gets you ladies into all kinds of trouble."
The lady starts taking off her undies but is interrupted by the doctor. "No! No! .... Just stick out your tong...

“Mom, why is the insta pot dented?”

“Cause it couldn’t handle the pressure.”

Oldy repurposed

Trump was feeling the pressure of the office and stood before the protraits of our greatest leaders.
Looking at Washington, the Donald said:
"George, you were the first. Can you give me some advise?"
A ghostly voice replied
"Tell the truth"
Trump knew that wouldn't work, so next went ...

If your friends force you to agree to a drinking...

Does that mean you have succumb to beer pressure?

Why did the skeptic suffer from high blood pressure?

He was taking everything with a grain of salt.

Baked beans

Once upon a time there lived a woman in Brampton who had a maddening passion for baked beans. She loved them, but unfortunately they always gave her a very embarrassing, and somewhat lively reaction. When it became apparent that she and her boyfriend would marry she thought to herself, "He is such a...

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A man was pressured by his parents to attend a formal gathering...

Everything was going fairly well. He was largely being ignored, which was for the best so he avoided saying anything to embarrass himself.
Unfortunately, he had been holding in a nearly full bladder full a while and it could not wait until the end of the party. he had no choice but to walk up to ...

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A young man is wandering, lost, in a forest when he comes upon a small house.

He knocks on the door and is greeted by an old Chinese man with a long grey beard. “I’m lost,” said the man, “Can you put me up for the night?”
“Certainly,” the Chinese man said, “but one condition. If you so much as lay a finger on my daughter I will inflict upon you the three worst Chinese tort...

HELL EXPLAINED

The following is an actual question given on a University of Arizona
chemistry midterm, and an actual answer turned in by a student.

The answer by one student was so 'profound' that the professor shared it
with colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now have the
pl...

What do you get if you apply enough heat and pressure to Pringles?

Fission chips

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There once was a man with an extremely high-pitched voice

(For retelling, ^(superscript) is high-pitched/falsetto voice)

He had since long passed puberty, but while his friends got deep, manly voices, his remained so high that he ^(spoke like this). Ever since then, it had been a tremendous source of insecurity. Now, he was in his thirties, and he r...

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Chemical Analysis of Women

Item: Chemical Analysis



Subject: Women



Symbol: Wo



Discovered by: Adam



Atomic Weight: Average expected as 150lb, but there are known isotopes ranging from 100lb to 250lb.


Occurrence: Surplus quanti...

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How to give your cat a pill

1) Pick cat up and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.
<...

Anyone want to buy a broken barometer?

No pressure..

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Interviewer: "In your CV, you wrote that you can perform under pressure. Can you give an example?"

Interviewee: "Sure. Mmm num ba de, dum bum ba be, doo buh dum ba beh beh, pressure pushing down on me..."

A vacationing penguin is driving his car through Arizona when he notices that the oil pressure light is on.

He gets out to look and sees oil dripping out of the motor. He drives to the nearest town and stops at the first gas station.

After dropping the car off, the penguin goes for a walk around town. He sees an ice-cream shop and, being a penguin in Arizona, decides that something cold would reall...

Doctor: You’re going to feel a bit of pressure. Ready?

Me: Yes.
Doctor: Your sister is younger but already has a good career and owns her own home.

A Geologist from Alabama could tell you the chronological order of Sandstone Layers, but not their exact ages

You could see they're into Relative Dating.

...

*Sigh*

I know you expected that punchline. My apologies, when I'm under pressure my sediment jokes turn a little schist.

Please stay gneiss in the comments.

Why can't eggs keep secrets?

Because they tend to crack under pressure

I know a joke about nitric oxide

Every time I tell it though my skin turns red and I sometimes see spots.

See, because nitric oxide is a vasodilator that increases blood flow and lowers blood pressure? Yeah I know, it’s way too complicated for a joke, that’s why most people just say NO

A physician said, "You have High Blood Pressure"

"High blood pressure? Well Doc. It comes from my family."
"Your mother's side or your father's?" The Doctor asked.
"Neither," I replied. "It's from my wife's family."
"How could your wife's family give you high blood pressure?"
I sighed. "You oughta meet 'em sometime, Doc!"

I recently bought a boat for a friend.

I was pier pressured.

My friend was bleeding profusely and the first aid book told me to apply pressure.

I told him if he didn't stop bleeding right away he was going to die.

I really like my new job in the vacuum industry

There's no pressure.

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A MAN went to the doctors suffering from a severe headache for years on end.

The doctor said, “Joe, the good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad news is it will require castration. You have a rare condition which causes your testicles to press on your spine, and the pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicle...

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Old married couple play fart football .

An old married couple no sooner hit the pillows when the old man passes gas and says, 'Seven Points.' His wife rolls over and says, 'What in the world was that?' The old man replied, 'It's fart football.'

A few minutes later his wife lets one go and says, ‘Touchdown, tie score…’

After ...

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The infamous crime mafia, known only as The Four Seasons, awaited their next job.

The boss stood before them.

"Winter," he began. "I need you to stay *cool* in the face of pressure. *Ice* in your veins," he said, patting his shoulder.

"Now, Summer," he continued. "If the *heat* becomes too much for Winter, use that *fiery* temper of yours to make sure the cops reme...

I have a friend who is paralysed, which is great for high pressure situations.

She doesn’t really feel nerves anymore.

It wasn't any easy decision, but against all peer pressure, my wife and I have decided we don't want children.

The kids were crying when we left them at the gas station.

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a man goes to his doctor ,,,

a man goes to see his doctor .

the doctor asks him " what is the reason for your visit ?"

the man answers in a very deep gravelly voice " its my voice doc , it scares my fiancee. Its okay when we are out in public or the lights are on , but the minute it gets dark or the lights go out...

My egg chose to take an examination.

It cracked under pressure.

You wanna know my opinion on negative pressure?

It sucks!

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A British explorer sets out for an expedition into Africa...

This is a time when Europeans know very, very little about the "cannibalistic African savages," and the African tribesmen know even less about the ways of the white man. So, our explorer comes to Africa, hoping to disperse the clouds of mist, and after having to resort to employing firearms a few ti...

A man with a large growth on his nose is in a failing marriage.

He comes home from the doctor, and his wife asks how it went.

The husband replies "Wonderful! I've lost two inches from my waist, my blood pressure is in a healthy range, and I no longer have any problems with my posture."

The wife looks perplexed.

"In fact" the husband conti...

I feel like people who write things online under fake accounts are insecure and can’t handle the pressure of having society see who they really are

-Anonymous

In the shark infested waters of the Caribbean, two prawns, one called Justin and the other called Christian are discussing the pressures of being a preyed-upon prawn. “I hate being a prawn,” says Justin. “I wish I were a shark.”

Suddenly, a mysterious cod appears. “Your wish is granted,” he says. Instantly, Justin becomes a shark. Horrified, Christian swims away, afraid that his former friend might eat him. As time passes, Christian continues to avoid Justin, leaving the shrimp-turned-maneater lonely and frustrated. So...

I get very tensed & nervous when I am at man-made structures adjacent to shores.

It must be 'pier pressure'.

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A guy suffering from banging headaches, finally gets to see a specialist after baffling doctors for years.

He explains to the specialist that for years now he has been suffering from banging headaches, and everything he has tried so far has no impact on the headaches at all.

The specialist carries out an examination, pokes and prods around a bit and has an idea. He runs a couple tests to be sure, ...

A Tale Of Two Letters

Stalin, knowing that his time was short and that Khrushchev would be his eventual successor, summoned Nikita to a very private meeting. After telling Khrushchev how lonely it could get at the top, Stalin said: "I've left for you two letters containing my wisest counsel in the bottom drawer of the...

I never really used to enjoy peer pressure

But then my friends got me into it.

I once worked with a very musically talented Jamaican who, after years of auditions for various instruments, got a gig in the local orchestra playing the triangle - not his first choice. One day he came in super stressed looking. I said "What's up? Can't handle the pressure of performing on stage?"

He says, "You have no idea mon, I be responsible for every ting."

With a heavy load this semester, a student is under great pressure to maintain a 4.0 GPa

That's 400000000 Pa, and that's a lot of pressure.

I am 33 and I feel like the pressure is on.

33 was the age Jesus Christ was crucified. I feel like someone really needs to nail me.

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Wife is in ICU, things aren’t looking good.

During night shift, they are giving her nightly bed bath. As they are washing her lady parts, the nurses notice that her heart rate increases, breathing is getting deeper, blood pressure is holding steady.

So they come get me and tell me what happened. They say they have a crazy idea and thi...

Why didn’t the doctor prescribe lisinopril for Snoopy’s high blood pressure?

Ace inhibitors are contraindicated in Sopwith pilots.

Do you know how much pressure did the Cartel put on the Columbian goverment in the 80s?

1 escobar

When asked how he keeps his cool under pressure...

The bomb squad captain said "either I'm right or it's not my problem anymore."

When under pressure, just start counting in spanish

It undo stres

funniest joke you'll hear today about congestive heart failure

Assuming you are healthy, your heart when working normally, acts, sort of like a pump, or rather, two pumps. You see, your right heart expands to draw deoxygenated blood in from the body, and contracts to pump it out to the lungs to become oxygenated. And at the same time, your left heart draws in o...

A duck does a crime

A duck was found guilty to the charges of carrying illegal drugs such cocaine, but the police questioned him to find out who he bought them from

The police bring in an officer to see if he can get him to confess: “hey, we will make sure you get off scott free if you tell us who sold you these...

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I added some pressure to my tires today.

I leaned in close and whispered "You lose anymore air I'll fucking cut you myself"

I keep on getting peer pressured into playing the flamingo game

But I'm not going to play anymore. Im putting my foot down

I never knew how hard it was to captain a submarine...

Must be the pressure

In the 60s, the Russians and the Americans were competing for the best space program

They both were determined to prove they had the greatest minds, the greatest technology. In one example, the Americans spent almost a million USD just to invent a no-gravity pen. They put their best minds to work, and came up with putting a small CO2 pressure cartridge into the back of the ink tub...

Did you hear about the two melons who are being pressured by their parents into having a traditional wedding?

They cantaloupe

An engineer has trouble dating and seeks advice from his friend:

Friend: Just go to a bar and meet girls, its a no pressure environment.

Engineer: I don't know, one bar seems like way too much pressure for me. Can I go to a pascal instead?

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The bish and the donkey.

A rural pastor had trouble getting hold of enough money for church roof repairs. So the parish comes up with the idea to pool their money and buy a race horse. The collection is done, and when the pastor goes shopping, he only has enough for a donkey. Nonetheless he buys the donkey and enters it int...

I walked into a men’s room but couldn’t pee when I stood at the urinal as there were two people peeing next to me.

Too much peer pressure.

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A LAWYER is getting out of his BMW when a semi rolls by, taking the open door clean off. A nearby cop has seen all of this, and runs over.

The lawyer immediately starts screaming and gesticulating about the value of his beamer and how much it’s going to cost him to get it fixed.

The cop loses his patience and says, “You lawyers are so materialistic. All you care about is money!”

The lawyer is incensed and says, “How dare...

I would tell you guys a joke about pipes...

... But that would be too much pressure on me

The coal industry has been under a lot of pressure to change

In other news, the diamond industry continues to grow.

There’s a sweet old couple happily living life.

One day the wife went in for a medical exam and when she came home she reported to her husband, "The doctor says I have the heart of a 50-year-old, lungs of a 40-year-old, and the blood pressure of a 25-year-old."

The husband replies, "Oh really? And what did he say about your 70-year-old ass...

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This guy Bill has been having headaches for about 40 years..

...he doesnt know what to do so he finally goes to a doctor for the pain. The doctor checks him and says "bill I’m not sure how to tell you this , but you have a very rare condition where your balls press up against your spine and put pressure on your head. That’s why you've been getting these heada...

A married couple went to the hospital to have their baby delivered.

Upon their arrival, the doctor said he had invented a new machine that would transfer a portion of the mother's labor pain to the father. He asked if they were willing to try it out. They were both very much in favor of it.

The doctor set the pain transfer to 10% for starters, explaining that...

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So The Canadian Government Is Changing The 2 Dollar Coin

Under pressure from the LGBT community the Canadian government is taking the Iconic polar bear off the 2 dollar coin and replacing it with 2 male deer mating.

Now everyone who has one will have “2 Fucking Bucks” in their pockets

As we were driving down the road, "Sweet Caroline" came on the radio. I said to my son, "Little known fact, Neil Diamond used to be called Neil Coal."

"Until the pressure got to him."

Why are dogs afraid to go to space?

Because of the vacuum

Edit: Sorry if this joke is ruff

Double Edit: on the other hand, when I go to space I feel no pressure

It took me quite a while to iron out this joke

There once was a greedy ore mining magnate who wished that everything he touched would turn into iron. He was careful to always wear gloves except when making huge loads of ore, except for one day when a mosquito landed on his knee. Not thinking, the magnate slapped his leg with his exposed hand. Hi...

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