Doctor: You’re going to feel a bit of pressure. Ready?

Me: Yes.
Doctor: Your sister is younger but already has a good career and owns her own home.

Was asked in an interview if I could perform under pressure.

I said I'm not sure but I can definitely perform "another one bites the dust"

My friend was bleeding, and the first aid book told me to apply pressure.

So I told him if he didn’t stop bleeding right away, he’d die.

A physician said, "You have High Blood Pressure"

"High blood pressure? Well Doc. It comes from my family."
"Your mother's side or your father's?" The Doctor asked.
"Neither," I replied. "It's from my wife's family."
"How could your wife's family give you high blood pressure?"
I sighed. "You oughta meet 'em sometime, Doc!"

As we were driving down the road, "Sweet Caroline" came on the radio. I said to my son, "Little known fact, Neil Diamond used to be called Neil Coal."

"Until the pressure got to him."

You wanna know my opinion on negative pressure?

It sucks!

I am 33 and I feel like the pressure is on.

33 was the age Jesus Christ was crucified. I feel like someone really needs to nail me.

In the shark infested waters of the Caribbean, two prawns, one called Justin and the other called Christian are discussing the pressures of being a preyed-upon prawn. “I hate being a prawn,” says Justin. “I wish I were a shark.”

Suddenly, a mysterious cod appears. “Your wish is granted,” he says. Instantly, Justin becomes a shark. Horrified, Christian swims away, afraid that his former friend might eat him. As time passes, Christian continues to avoid Justin, leaving the shrimp-turned-maneater lonely and frustrated. So...

It wasn't any easy decision, but against all peer pressure, my wife and I have decided we don't want children.

The kids were crying when we left them at the gas station.

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Interviewer: "In your CV, you wrote that you can perform under pressure. Can you give an example?"

Interviewee: "Sure. Mmm num ba de, dum bum ba be, doo buh dum ba beh beh, pressure pushing down on me..."

I hate peer pressure.

You should too!

Do you know how much pressure did the Cartel put on the Columbian goverment in the 80s?

1 escobar

With a heavy load this semester, a student is under great pressure to maintain a 4.0 GPa

That's 400000000 Pa, and that's a lot of pressure.

When asked how he keeps his cool under pressure...

The bomb squad captain said "either I'm right or it's not my problem anymore."

I can't stand people who pressure others

You shouldn't either

A vacationing penguin is driving his car through Arizona when he notices that the oil pressure light is on.

He gets out to look and sees oil dripping out of the motor. He drives to the nearest town and stops at the first gas station.

After dropping the car off, the penguin goes for a walk around town. He sees an ice-cream shop and, being a penguin in Arizona, decides that something cold would reall...

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Joe was moderately successful in his career, but as he got older he was increasingly hampered by incredible headaches. When his personal hygiene and love life started to suffer, he sought medical help.

After being referred from one specialist to another, he finally came across a doctor who solved the problem. "The good news is I can cure your headaches; the bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition which causes your testicles to press up against the base of your s...

Why didn’t the doctor prescribe lisinopril for Snoopy’s high blood pressure?

Ace inhibitors are contraindicated in Sopwith pilots.

When under pressure, just start counting in spanish

It undo stres

My doctor has just diagnosed me as having low blood pressure.

He’s given me a prescription for two Ikea self-assembly wardrobes.

When four of Santa's elves got sick and the trainee elves didn't produce the toys as fast as the regular ones, Santa was beginning to feel the pressure of being behind schedule…

Then Mrs. Claus told Santa that her mom was coming to visit.

This stressed Santa even more.

When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two had jumped the fence and were out, heaven knows where.

More stress.

Then, when he...

I never really used to enjoy peer pressure

But then my friends got me into it.

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I added some pressure to my tires today.

I leaned in close and whispered "You lose anymore air I'll fucking cut you myself"

I once worked with a very musically talented Jamaican who, after years of auditions for various instruments, got a gig in the local orchestra playing the triangle - not his first choice. One day he came in super stressed looking. I said "What's up? Can't handle the pressure of performing on stage?"

He says, "You have no idea mon, I be responsible for every ting."

What's the best part about being 100 years old?

No peer pressure.

Cool under pressure

There are 11 people hanging onto a rope that comes down from an airplane. 10 of them are blonde, and one is a brunette. They all decide that one person should get off because if they don't, the rope will break and everyone will die. No one can decide who should go, so finally the brunette delivers a...

A chemistry professor posted a bonus question to an exam:

Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?

Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant.

One student, however, wrote the following:

First, we need to know ...

The coal industry has been under a lot of pressure to change

In other news, the diamond industry continues to grow.

My doctor just prescribed me blood pressure medication

it was a tough pill to swallow

How does a quadriplegic swimmer handle peer pressure?

He just goes with the flow.

I went to the doctor and he said you have the blood pressure of a 14 year old kid

I said great. He said, not so great, a 14 year old *American* child. You got four months to live.

Kids are so fat these days the first letters they learn in the alphabet are not ABC, it's KFC

Kids are so fat these days they use cheat codes to play Pokemon Go

Kids are so fat ...

Not caving into peer pressure can be tough but i always walk away from it.

Which has been a lot easier since the DUI i got the night everyone tried to convince me to 'take a cab home'.

Dad: Have you heard about the pressure washer?

Dad: "have you heard about the pressure washer?"

Daughter: "no."

Dad: *rolls eyes* "pshhhhhhhhhhhhh."

What do we call pressure cooking gone wrong?

A blast.

An interviewer asked how I do under pressure.

I told him I'm like a rock: given enough time and pressure, I fold.

A New Radical physicist pressure group has been formed…

Black Matter Lives

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There's a lot of pressure for guys to have elaborate ways to ask their date to prom. One boy recently dressed up like Barbie's boyfriend Ken...

His girlfriend said why did you cut your dick off.

What do you call a fat round orange under pressure in the White House?

Orange juice for Trump's breakfast.

When you use a knife, you press with the same force but at a much higher pressure.

That's kinda the point.

What causes some boats to become party boats?

Pier pressure

I can't handle the pressure of competitions.

Even in eating races I choke!

A reporter was interviewing a 104 year-old woman: "And what do you think is the best thing about being 104?"

She simply replied, "No peer pressure."

When I was young, I stopped believing in Santa despite massive peer pressure.

You could say I was a rebel without a Clause.

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Fart Soccer

An old married couple no sooner hit the pillows when the man passes gas and says, "1-0".

His wife rolls over and says, "What in the world was that?" The old man replied "it's fart soccer."

A few minutes later his wife lets one go and says, "Goal! Tie score..."

After about five m...

A married couple went to the hospital to have their baby delivered.

Upon their arrival, the doctor said he had invented a new machine that would transfer a portion of the mother's labor pain to the father. He asked if they were willing to try it out. They were both very much in favor of it.

The doctor set the pain transfer to 10% for starters, explaining that...

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Doctors of reddit - who is that one patient you really wish you'd seen again?

It was actually during my junior year. A man, about 50, came in with walking difficulties - you could tell he was really struggling when he arrived at the surgery and even looked uncomfortable when he sat down. I was expecting a leg, hip or even back complaint but once the door was shut he admitted ...

Why did the pear turn itself into juice?

Because of the pear pressure

- Doc, how did you know that I have high blood pressure?

- You make mosquitoes explode!

It was getting a little crowded in Heaven, so God decided to change the admittance policy.

The new law was that in order to get into Heaven, you had to have a really bad day on the day that you died. The policy would go into effect at noon the next day.

So, the next day at 12:01 the first person came to the gates of Heaven.

The Angel at the gate, remembering the new policy, ...

A chemist, a biologist and a mathematician are sitting in a cafe, looking out of the window.

They all watch three people walk into a house across the road. After 20 minutes, only two people leave the same house.

The scientists are very confused about what has happened.

'The measurements varied, and therefore the measuring equipment was likely inaccurate,' declares the chemist,...

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A man is told by his doctor that he'll never again have a erection.

"It's a very unique case of erectile dysfunction" the doctor says.

"There is only only way to possibly cure it, but the procedure is very risky and unorthodox. You see, I can graft tissue from an elephant's truck into your penis, which could allow you to achieve an erection."

The man,...

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"Grandpa, tell the story again when you broke a duck's neck with your erection at your brother's wedding!"

Well, children, the year was 1922. I had nothing more than a flatcap, a shovel, and my favorite pint glass to my name. It was around the time where cars were a brand new luxury and a lass would let you put a thumb in her bum just to honk the horn. Well as luck would have it, I was out peat poaching ...

A Husband was a bit embarrassed and told the Doctor he had trouble getting an Erection with his Wife and she was getting frustrated.

The Doc checked the man's blood pressure and other vitals, then after a thorough examination said he wanted to check with the Wife.

He took Her to another cubicle and asked her to disrobe.

Then he told her to turn all the way around slowly.

She did as instructed.

He then ...

I had five hundred Kit Kats in my fridge and my mate had one in his. I pressured him into giving his to a homeless person.

That's basically how celebrity charity appeals work.

Why are dogs afraid to go to space?

Because of the vacuum

Edit: Sorry if this joke is ruff

Double Edit: on the other hand, when I go to space I feel no pressure

Ten of my friends said queen copied vanilla ice. I said they were wrong. All of my friends stared at me to prove it.

I was really under pressure

An blobfish walks into 1 bar.

The bartender asks, "Why the saggy face?"

It became sad, so it decided to go to another bar. The blobfish is asked "Why the saggy face?" again, so it decides to go to another bar. However, the blobfish slowly began to return to normal. When he had already visited 15 bars, he was back to norma...

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After years of being plagued by extreme headaches,

*Disclaimer: English isn't my main language, there might be some mistakes here and there*

Jim finally went to see a doctor. After a lot of researching, the doctor said: "I have good news, but I also have bad news."

The good news is that I have found a cure for your extreme headac...

Recycled ones. But love them. 36 Math jokes and puns

Beginner

1. Why was the fraction apprehensive about marrying the decimal?

Because he would have to convert.

2. Why do plants hate math?

It gives them square roots.

3. Why did the student get upset when his teacher called him average?

It was a mean thing to s...

Why do meteorogists

always try to pick up women at a bar?

They like the low pressure environment.

What do you call it when people try to make you to build a a platform supported on pillars or girders leading out from the shore into a body of water, used as a landing stage for boats even though you don’t want to?

Pier pressure

So this farmer named Juan wants to run for city council.

He notices his small town is going downhill and wants to make a difference. He asks his wife what his slogan should be and she says: "Well you don't beat me, the kids, or your cow, so use that."

So Juan runs for city council using the slogan: "I don't beat my wife, I don't beat my kids, I don...

Two tightropes are side by side.

One is made of polyester, the other nylon.

The tightrope walker makes it across the polyester rope with no trouble, but on her way back across the nylon line, the rope gives a little too much, and she falls to the net.

The polyester rope looks over in disappointment. "That was a disg...

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Two Whales

A male and a female whale were swimming along the coast of Japan and noticed a whaling ship not too far from them.

The male whale gets angry at the sight of the ship because his father was killed by whalers a few years ago. He decides that he wants payback. He turns to the female whale and...

Ha-bean Anniversary

There lived a woman in Colorado who had a maddening obsession and passion for baked beans. She loved them, but they always seemed to give her a very embarrassing, and somewhat lively reaction. When it became apparent that she and her boyfriend would marry she thought to herself, "He is such a sweet ...

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Leg bite

me: \[googling\] what do I do - leg bleeding raccoon bite

google: elevate and apply pressure

me: \[lifting raccoon real high\] apologize or else !

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