Just got back from a job interview, where I was asked if can perform under pressure.

I said I wasn't too sure about that but I do a wicked Bohemian Rhapsody.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Interviewer: "In your CV, you wrote that you can perform under pressure. Can you give an example?"

Interviewee: "Sure. Mmm num ba de, dum bum ba be, doo buh dum ba beh beh, pressure pushing down on me..."

Do you know how much pressure did the Cartel put on the Columbian goverment in the 80s?

1 escobar

In the shark infested waters of the Caribbean, two prawns, one called Justin and the other called Christian are discussing the pressures of being a preyed-upon prawn. “I hate being a prawn,” says Justin. “I wish I were a shark.”

Suddenly, a mysterious cod appears. “Your wish is granted,” he says. Instantly, Justin becomes a shark. Horrified, Christian swims away, afraid that his former friend might eat him. As time passes, Christian continues to avoid Justin, leaving the shrimp-turned-maneater lonely and frustrated. So...

I hate peer pressure.

You should too!

With a heavy load this semester, a student is under great pressure to maintain a 4.0 GPa

That's 400000000 Pa, and that's a lot of pressure.

My friend was bleeding profusely and the first aid book told me to apply pressure.

I told him if he didn't stop bleeding right away he was going to die.

Why didn’t the doctor prescribe lisinopril for Snoopy’s high blood pressure?

Ace inhibitors are contraindicated in Sopwith pilots.

When under pressure, just start counting in spanish

It undo stres

When asked how he keeps his cool under pressure...

The bomb squad captain said "either I'm right or it's not my problem anymore."

I can't stand people who pressure others

You shouldn't either

A vacationing penguin is driving his car through Arizona when he notices that the oil pressure light is on.

He gets out to look and sees oil dripping out of the motor. He drives to the nearest town and stops at the first gas station.

After dropping the car off, the penguin goes for a walk around town. He sees an ice-cream shop and, being a penguin in Arizona, decides that something cold would reall...

My doctor has just diagnosed me as having low blood pressure.

He’s given me a prescription for two Ikea self-assembly wardrobes.

I never really used to enjoy peer pressure

But then my friends got me into it.

When four of Santa's elves got sick and the trainee elves didn't produce the toys as fast as the regular ones, Santa was beginning to feel the pressure of being behind schedule…

Then Mrs. Claus told Santa that her mom was coming to visit.

This stressed Santa even more.

When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two had jumped the fence and were out, heaven knows where.

More stress.

Then, when he...

How does a quadriplegic swimmer handle peer pressure?

He just goes with the flow.

I once worked with a very musically talented Jamaican who, after years of auditions for various instruments, got a gig in the local orchestra playing the triangle - not his first choice. One day he came in super stressed looking. I said "What's up? Can't handle the pressure of performing on stage?"

He says, "You have no idea mon, I be responsible for every ting."

What's the best part about being 100 years old?

No peer pressure.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I added some pressure to my tires today.

I leaned in close and whispered "You lose anymore air I'll fucking cut you myself"

A married couple went to the hospital to have their baby delivered.

Upon their arrival, the doctor said he had invented a new machine that would transfer a portion of the mother's labor pain to the father. He asked if they were willing to try it out. They were both very much in favor of it.

The doctor set the pain transfer to 10% for starters, explaining that...

The coal industry has been under a lot of pressure to change

In other news, the diamond industry continues to grow.

I went to the doctor and he said you have the blood pressure of a 14 year old kid

I said great. He said, not so great, a 14 year old *American* child. You got four months to live.

Kids are so fat these days the first letters they learn in the alphabet are not ABC, it's KFC

Kids are so fat these days they use cheat codes to play Pokemon Go

Kids are so fat ...

Not caving into peer pressure can be tough but i always walk away from it.

Which has been a lot easier since the DUI i got the night everyone tried to convince me to 'take a cab home'.

Cool under pressure

There are 11 people hanging onto a rope that comes down from an airplane. 10 of them are blonde, and one is a brunette. They all decide that one person should get off because if they don't, the rope will break and everyone will die. No one can decide who should go, so finally the brunette delivers a...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Pressure on, testicles off.

Joe was moderately successful in his career, but as he got older he was increasingly hampered by incredible headaches. When his personal hygiene and love life started to suffer, he sought medical help.

After being referred from one specialist to another, he finally came across a doctor who so...

What do we call pressure cooking gone wrong?

A blast.

An interviewer asked how I do under pressure.

I told him I'm like a rock: given enough time and pressure, I fold.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

There's a lot of pressure for guys to have elaborate ways to ask their date to prom. One boy recently dressed up like Barbie's boyfriend Ken...

His girlfriend said why did you cut your dick off.

A New Radical physicist pressure group has been formed…

Black Matter Lives

What do you call a fat round orange under pressure in the White House?

Orange juice for Trump's breakfast.

Dad: Have you heard about the pressure washer?

Dad: "have you heard about the pressure washer?"

Daughter: "no."

Dad: *rolls eyes* "pshhhhhhhhhhhhh."

Why are dogs afraid to go to space?

Because of the vacuum

Edit: Sorry if this joke is ruff

Double Edit: on the other hand, when I go to space I feel no pressure

When you use a knife, you press with the same force but at a much higher pressure.

That's kinda the point.

According to statistics, the highest suicide rate is found near piers.

I think it’s because of pier pressure.

I can't handle the pressure of competitions.

Even in eating races I choke!

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man is lost in the woods, but finds a cabin next to a small ravine

He knocks on the door and an old Chinese man answers. He asks if he could possibly stay the night, and the Chinese man says he can "But..." he warns "My daughter is very beautiful, and if you lay a finger on her I will inflict upon you the worst three tortures China has ever produced."

The ma...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Fart Soccer

An old married couple no sooner hit the pillows when the man passes gas and says, "1-0".

His wife rolls over and says, "What in the world was that?" The old man replied "it's fart soccer."

A few minutes later his wife lets one go and says, "Goal! Tie score..."

After about five m...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

The year: 2029. A brilliant scientist is constructing the first sentient artificial intelligence.

He's working out of his garage in San Francisco, living on charitable donations from his worried friends. He dropped out of college when he realized he could change the world — there's no going back; his life is dedicated to this project. At first, he is met with failure upon failure. But then, he r...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital,

wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose. A young student nurse appears and gives him a partial sponge bath.

"Nurse,"' he mumbles from behind the mask, "are my testicles black?"

Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, Sir. I'm only
here to wash your upper body and...

A reporter interviewed a 103-year-old woman.

"And what is the best thing about being 103?" the reporter asked.

She simply replied, "No peer pressure."

Beans for lunch

During lunch at work, I ate 3 plates of beans (which I know I shouldn't). When I got home, my wife seemed excited to see me and exclaimed delightedly, "Darling I have a surprise for dinner tonight." She then blindfolded me and led me to my chair at the dinner table. I took a seat and just as she was...

- Doc, how did you know that I have high blood pressure?

- You make mosquitoes explode!

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

The Job Interview

Interviewer: "What would you consider one of your strengths?"


Me: "I perform under pressure..."


Interviewer: "Can you get give me an example?"


Me: (deep breath) "Mm ba ba de Um bum ba de Um bu bu ba de PRESSURE, pushing down on me..."

Cold War Dog Fight

During the Cold War, the Soviets and the Americans decided that nuclear brinkmanship was not sustainable. So they agreed to settle the question of world hegemony once and for all with a good old-fashioned dog fight - the parties had one year to prepare.

The top scientist of both nations worke...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

About an inch

The UN is in session and the three major superpowers, the US, Russia, and China are trying to out do each other's achievements.

The US says "we have a missile that could reach any point on Earth with amazing precision and destroy it."

Everyone else starts chattering in disbelief and t...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

The French fencer

There once was a famous French fencer. He learned how to fence at a young age and honed his skills over time, his prowess with the foil unmatched in all of France. After defeating all French contenders, he moved on to defeat fencers in nearby countries, eventually becoming the best in Europe. As his...

Why couldn't the submarine captain keep piloting the sub?

The pressure was killing him.

Why do meteorogists

always try to pick up women at a bar?

They like the low pressure environment.

Three monkeys in a tree

Why did the first monkey fall out of the tree?

Because he was dead.

​

Why did the second monkey fall out of the tree?

Because he was glued to the first monkey.

​

Why did the third monkey fall out of the three?

Peer pressure.
<...

I had five hundred Kit Kats in my fridge and my mate had one in his. I pressured him into giving his to a homeless person.

That's basically how celebrity charity appeals work.

The Proctologist

So a man walks into his proctologists office because he felt that something was wrong.
The doctor walks in, explains the test, and gloves up. After a couple seconds of pressure, the man asks if there's anything wrong. The doctor replies,"Well, the good news is that it's only the head. The bad new...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Since I was a young boy,

my father has imposed his religion onto me. I was home schooled because we live in the west and my father wanted me in an environment that was free from anything Haram. I couldn't associate with Hindus or Christians, anyone who ate unclean animals, or any girl.

As a teenage guy going through...

A joke from George Carlin,tucked away because of 9/11

The most striking thing about the show is that Carlin made a joke about Osama bin Laden and an exploding airplane. In a fashion typical of the comedian, who always passed easily between the corporeal and the sublime, it started as a fart joke. “These planes get flying so fast that all the most vicio...

I'm going to quit my job working on this submarine

I'm under a lot of pressure

The Surgeon’s Operation

A surgeon urgently left for work one morning after hearing that a new patient just came in with 3 tumors. He got there as quickly as he could, despite living roughly half an hour away. He managed to get to work before any of his coworkers that were capable of operating on the new patient could. He r...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Elephant Trunk

There was a guy who had been having chronic trouble in trying to get an erection. After weeks of frustration, he finally breaks down and and goes to the doctor. The doctor gives him a thorough examination and finally makes the diagnosis.

"Well, there's good news and there's bad news," she say...

Someone stole my tire gauge.

I don't think I can take the pressure anymore.

Bugs Bunny walks into a hospital

He asks his doctor “What’s up, doc?”

The doctor replies “Your blood pressure, Bugs.”

“And if I don’t get it sorted out?”

The doctor, visually distraught, answers: “That’s all, folks.”

I put a weight on a dock,

Now that’s what I call pier pressure.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

3 dead men

(Note: buckel the fuck up because this is a long one)

There are three dead men next to each other on the stairway to heaven. They decide to all share their stories on how they died, one man goes first.

"I live on the 22nd floor on a 30 floor building. I had suspected my wife had been c...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man went to the doctor complaining about erectile dysfunction...

A man went to the doctor and told him that he was having trouble maintaining an erection. After a complete exam the doctor told the man that the muscles around the base of his penis were damaged from a prior viral infection and there was nothing he could do for him.

However, he knew of an exp...

A weatherman walks into 1bar...

... and comes under some pressure.

The Cool Clam Club

Deep beneath the ocean there is an exclusive club known for only having the coolest of clams in their midst. This was called the Cool Clam Club.


Now, the Cool Clam Club was known across the seven seas as one of the most prestigious clubs known to seakind due to the fact that their initia...

My brother’s just been talked into smoking by a french exchange student.

Talk about Pierre pressure

I just found out my little brother has been forced to smoke at school by some mad french foreign exchange student.

It was Pierre pressure

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Going to be a father in April and remembered this classic:

A new machine had come out in the medicine field and a doctor was working with a pregnant couple that wanted to participate in the clinical trials.

"This machine," he says, "once hooked up to the mother will make it so she feels none of the pain, but the father will have to endure all of it."...

A group of Christians are tasked with changing a lightbulb.

The Charismatic changes it easily; his hands are already up.

&#x200B;

The Roman Catholic refuses; he prefers candles.

&#x200B;

The Pentecostal changes it while his friends pray against the Lord of Darkness.

&#x200B;

The Christian Scientist can't,...