ANGER MANAGEMENT

Husband: "When I get mad at you, you never fight back. How do you control your anger?"

Wife: "I clean the toilet "

Husband: "How does that help?"

Wife: "I use your toothbrush."

A young girl who was writing a paper for school came to her father and asked: “Dad, what is the difference between anger and exasperation?”

The father replied: “It is mostly a matter of degree. Let me show you what I mean.”

With that the father went to the telephone and dialled a number at random. To the man who answered the phone, he said: “Hello, is Melvin there?”

The man answered: “There is no one living here named Melv...

This woman goes to her doctor complaining about her husbands anger, as he seems to just flip out on her and lose his temper constantly...

...the doctor makes a suggestion, "Ok, here's what I want you to do, anytime that you feel like your husband is about to get flip out, I want you to go the kitchen, pour yourself a glass of water, and then take a swig and keep swilling it around your mouth until he calms down"...

The woman, p...

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My therapist told me that a great way to let go of your anger is to write letters to people you hate and then burn them. I did that and I feel much better but I'm wondering...

Do I Keep The Letters?

I slapped my violin out of anger

I got arrested for domestic violins

Why is anger the new hip emotion?

It's all the rage.

Why doctors also need to attend Anger Management course?

A woman comes running to the doctor shouting and screaming in pain "Please doctor, you've got to help me. I've been stung by a bee."

DOCTOR: "Don't worry; I'll put some cream on it."

WOMAN: "You will never find that bee. It must be miles away by now."

DOCTOR: "No, you don't unde...

I angered two people by calling them hipsters...

Apparently the correct term is conjoined twins.

I walked into work and my boss handed me a brochure on anger management.

I just lost it.

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After seeing my new tattoo, my angered wife retaliated by getting a breast reduction...

tit for tat.

"I do not tolerate tardiness," a professor tells his class at the beginning on the semester.

Looking out at the sea of stricken faces in the large lecture hall he continues. "There are 300 of you, and only one of me. I will not allow you to waste my time. If you are late to class, I will count you as absent for the day. If you hand in an assignment late, it will not count towards your grade...

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I Think My Toilet Has Anger Issues

Whenever I flush it, it completely loses its shit.

What's it called when you scream in tearful anger from the pain of your hemorrhoid?

Roid Rage.

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What does a guy with severe anger management issues and the girl who's giving him a blowjob have in common?

They're both fucked in the head

I unscrambled the letters to spell “anger” “hate” “spite” and “malice”

It was a cross word puzzle.

The devil has started to get really self conscious about his receding hairline and is planning to take out his anger on the humans if he cant find a solution.....

There's going to be hell toupee

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Clever Monkey and the Mighty Lion

One day, Clever Monkey was swinging through the canopy, leaping with great agility from branch to vine. Watch him as he swings and capers, the joy in his eyes, his monkey smile. Surely he was the fastest, smartest and perhaps the HAPPIEST of all the animals in the Kingdom.

As he capered abo...

Don't anger a programming wizard.

They'll curse you, and every time you remove it, they'll just recurse.

I think I might have accidentally angered my doctor during my physical...

He told me, "That does it! The gloves are coming off!"

I ordered a Thesaurus recently, when it arrived all the pages were blank

I have no words to describe my anger

How to make a person with anger issues angry?

Tell them that they have anger issues.

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The perfect clinic

A man is driving down a road an sees a sign for a clinic that says " we cure all diseases for $500, and if we can't we give you $500" the man is Interested and goes in. When he's with the doctor he tells him " doctor I can't taste anything" the doctor responds by saying "nurse give this man 2 cups o...

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A priest and a nun are going golfing...

The priest goes to the first hole, swings his golf club, hits the ball... and it just barely misses the hole.


"God dammit, I missed!" the priest says in anger, throwing his club on the ground. "If you keep saying that, the Lord is gonna strike you down" the nun warns, shaking her finge...

I always thought I had anger problems and was anti-social

but after spending time on Reddit, I'm apparently well adjusted and normal.

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Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, Acceptance

Saturday, Sunday

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People keep telling me to take an Anger Management class, but I don't understand why...

I already know how to piss off management, why would I need to take a class for it?

My son broke my only glasses out of anger

I could never look at him the same

Someone told me I have anger issues

Lets just say they wont be saying that anymore

One day God visits St. Peter at the pearly gates and tells him heaven is too crowded and to not let so many people in and gives St Peter a quota for each day.

Later that day 3 men approach looking for entrance into heaven. Peter turns to the men and tells them that only 1 of them is able to enter into heaven. To decide which one gets in he asks them how they died. He tells them that the man with the best death story will get into heaven.

The first ...

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A blind man goes to his local Subway everyday for lunch

One Monday, he went up to his subway and ordered his usual BLT. He enjoyed BLT’s, and they were easy to order since he couldn’t point at the ingredients he wanted due to his blindness. The worker gave the man his sub, and the man ate his sub only to find it tasted sweet and juicy. He went up to the ...

Halloween Joke

Bob thought his new neighbor across the street was strange from the moment he first moved in.  The new neighbor, Jack, was a dorky middle aged white man, who laughed at his own jokes, which he told repeatedly, and only talked about the stupidest stuff, which he always claimed was super popular on Re...

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An Arab has a rendezvous with a British soldier, and they plan to trek across the desert to a secret military base.

"Come on my friend," says the Arab, "We must trek across the desert. The food here is the poorest in the world, so we must make haste. Would you like one of my camels?"

"No I don't want a camel." says the Brit. He starts walking.

Confused, the Arab knows it's a long trip to where they ...

A charity collector paid a visit to the town miser.

"I know you made a profit of more than $500,000 last year alone. Yet you haven't made one donation to our charity!" he berated the miser.

The miser looked up in anger.
"Well, did you also know about my elderly mother, who is currently undergoing an expensive, prolonged treatment for her he...

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Two men, Joe and bob, both virgins, died and went to heaven.

God introduces them to the heaven!
“Congrats, you get to enjoy eternal life in heaven.
But you have one rule, never eat apples from the forbidden tree” As god pointed to the tree full of delicious apples.

“Uh, what happens if someone eats from it?” Asked Joe.
God replies, “well, um,...

Youbg boy tells mum "I saw daddy..."

"....in the nearby park, he was parked and with a woman, I went up to the car as the windows were steamed up, I saw they were busy and they were naked and he was doing press ups like we do at school, but he was on top of the naked woman "

Mum is super mad, she quizzes the boy and with growing...

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Emotions

Three guys are walking down the street in Manhattan when they spot a party. They knock on the door and are turned away because they don’t have costumes. As they walk away one of them spots a can of red paint in an alley, he pours it all over himself, goes back and says “I’m red, red with anger” and ...

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Stalin wakes up one morning and walks onto his balcony to see the sun rise.

"Good morning, Comrade Sun" he says.

"And a very good morning to you, Comrade Stalin" the sun replies.

Later in the day, as Stalin is heading to NKVD headquarters to meet with Beria he says, "Good afternoon, Comrade Sun"

"And a very good afternoon to you, Comrade Stalin" the Sun...

Two Brothers and the Priest

Two brothers in a small town were well-known as trouble makers. If there was a problem in town, these boys were guaranteed to be there. Their parents finally decided to do something about it.


They called on the priest. He was known to have success in dealing with problematic behavior. ...

Did you know some bikers keep a little jar of vaseline in their pocket to protect their bike seat from the rain?

A biker was doing a big ride through a low dense inhabitated country. After a long drive not seeing a single person his bike breaks down. He starts pushing it and after a few hours of pushing it he stumbles across a single farmhouse in the distance.
He knocks on the door and the farmer opens. "W...

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There was a man that bought a new pair of boots.

He was so proud of them, when he got home he walked up to his wife and said "notice any thing different?" she looked him over and just shrugged her shoulders. Mad as hell he stormed into the bathroom to admire them in the tall mirror, then took off every stitch of clothing bar the new boots. Butt na...

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One day, two whales were swimming in the ocean

One day, two whales were swimming in the ocean. They came across a whalers ship and the first whale was immediately angered by this. He tells the second whale,

*“Whalers killed my brother! I want revenge! Let’s use our blowholes as hard as we can to tip the ship underneath and drown them!”*<...

On their way to get married,

On their way to get married, a young Catholic couple is involved in a fatal car accident. The couple find themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates waiting for St. Peter to process them into Heaven.

While waiting, they begin to wonder: Could they possibly get married in Heaven? When St. Pet...

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A new monk arrives at the monastery

He is assigned to help the other monks in copying the old texts by hand. He notices, however, that they are copying copies of the original books.

So, the new monk goes to the head monk to ask him about this, worried that there may be errors The head monk says, "We have been copying from the...

An English woman finds out her husband is cheating on her

She is distraught, fueled by anger - so much so that she decides the only course of action is to have him killed. In her grief, she contacts and old friend who works amongst the criminal underbelly of London. He recommends she seek out a specific hitman, known in the business as Big Artie. He is eff...

An alcoholic sees a blonde nurse

An alcoholic walks into a nurses office. The blonde nurse asks "What seems to be the problem?". So the alcoholic says "I've been having a rough, scratchy feeling in my throat lately". She asks "Well that do you mostly eat and drink?". He replies "Mostly scotch". The alcoholic sees the nurses' eyes w...

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This is a traditional Scottish joke. I heard it from my dad, he heard it from his dad, and he had it shouted at him by a guy called Johnny Glue-bag

There was once a Russian wrestler with the stage name Ivan the Terrible. His name was well earned for every man who stepped into the ring with him would be killed. He had two infamous moves: the half pretzel which would cripple you for life and the full pretzel which would break your neck and kill y...

Close Call Accident

1) = First driver
2) = Priest

During the night, 2 cars bumped to each other.
The first comes out furious starting cursing at the other driver.
The second comes out and it turns out he was a high priest.

1)Sorry 'Father' i didn't meant what i said...

2)My child, ...

3 Guys are waiting in line to enter heaven

Apparently it had been a pretty busy day, though, so St. Peter had to tell the first guy, "Heaven's getting pretty close to full today, and I've been asked to admit only people who have had particularly horrible deaths. So what's your story?"

The first man replies: "Well, for a while I've sus...

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What time is it ?

I took my 13-year-old son with me to a large charity barbecue. A few thousand people there and several different rib joints you can sample. It was awesome, the food was fantastic.

There was also a large beer tent that had a band with many people in it. Band was pretty good the music while peo...

If “ire” is an old fashioned synonym for anger,

Is Ireland the land of angry people?

Anger management classes seem to be getting popular nowadays.

You could say they’re all the rage.

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Studies show that 6 in 10 people suffer from sudden bursts of anger.

The other 4 are FUCKING WANKERS.

Cat on a Hot Tin Roof!

A bachelor named Steve who lived at home with his mother and pet cat went on a trip to Europe. Before he left, he told his best friend to inform him of any emergencies. A few days after his departure, his cat climbed up on the roof, fell off and was killed. His friend immediately wired him with the ...

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Two whales.. John and Jenny are swimming in the ocean.

John is mourning the recent loss of his father who was killed by a whale fishing boat.

A few days later John and Jenny come across an similar looking Boat... with excitement John realizes that it’s the fishing boat that killed his father ... he is seeking revenge for the death of his father!...

A couple have been married 25 years, and one day, the husband found a box in the attic with three bonnets and $2,500.

He asked his wife and she responded, "Every time I got mad at you, I knitted a bonnet." The husband was proud that in 25 years, he had only angered his wife three times.

"OK," he said, "that explains the bonnets, but what about the $2,500 dollars?"

The wife smiled and said, "That's mon...

Trump explodes in anger as he's refused entry to nativity scene

Proof once and for all that he's unstable

"May your thousand generations be childless!" yelled my best friend in anger.

He never did think his curses through...

An eye is going to anger management

The counselor asks the eye “why are you currently in anger management?” To which the eye responds “Eyelash out at people when I get angry and I can’t stop.”

You should never cut off an addicts supply line, they will lash out in anger and do everything in their power to stop you.

This is why I avoid talking about abortions with my Priest.

Did you hear about the mime artist who tried to become an anger management counselor?

He eventually drove everyone up the wall.

My wife keeps telling me I need anger management

My psychiatrist keeps telling me I don’t have a wife and I need stronger medication for my hallucinations.

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I called the anger management helpline.

They told me to fuck off and call back later.

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Inebriated Indecency

(Sorry for mobile formatting)
Betty and Barry, a middle-aged couple, went out late one hot Friday night to grab dinner. After they had finished their meal, they sat with drinks and enjoyed dessert. Barry excused himself to the restroom and Betty sat there listening and observed the other patrons ...

I threw my mouse at the wall in anger

Everyone at the vet looked on in horror

Angering the Irishman

Three Englishmen were in a bar and spotted an Irishman. So, one of the Englishmen walked over to the Irishman, tapped him on the shoulder, and said, "Hey, I hear your St. Patrick was a drunken loser."


"Oh really, hmm, didn't know that."


Puzzled, the Englishman walked back to hi...

An old Lithuanian joke (roughly translated)

Two men of which one had a really bad stutter decided to climb mount everest. They set up at the bottom, waved to everyone who came to wish them luck and started climbing... Around 8 hours of exhausting climbing later the one with the stutter goes "I-I-I f-f-f-f" the other one cuts him off and goes ...

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A lawyer wins his first truly huge case with a multi-million dollar payoff.

He's flying high. He drives to the office the next Monday in shiny new threads with all of the most expensive trimming, driving the most expensive imported Bentley he can find. Everyone at the office needs to see this, he thinks, so he gets there super early to park right in front of the building,...

Why shouldn’t you anger a violinist?

Because they’ll get violint

Effective Anger Management

A woman goes to the Doctor, worried about her husband 's temper.

The Doctor asks: "What's the problem?

The woman says: "Doctor, I don't know what to do. Every day my husband seems to lose his temper for no reason. It scares me."

The Doctor says: "I have a cure for that. When it ...

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This wealthy couple are employing a housemaid. She decides to ask for a raise.

She goes to the lady and asks: “Ma’am, I’d like a raise.”

The lady responds: “A raise? But why on earth? I see no reason why.”

The housemaid says: “Well, for starters, I cook better than you, ma’am.”

The lady gets annoyed and replies: “Where does that come from?”

“Well, M...

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A Jew walks into a Christian church.

Avram went into a Church, took out his Tallis, placed it over his yarmulke, and proceeded to pray. the clergyman entered to start services, "Will all non-Christians please leave." Avram continued praying. Finally the angered clergyman moved toward Avram, "Will all JEWS please leave." At this, Avram ...

What would Jesus say if you angered him?

"I'm Crossed."

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Two pregnant women are in the hospital waiting to be induced.

One woman says to the other: "For our first child, my husband bought us a brand new car!"

The other woman says: "That's nice."

The first woman says: "For our second child, my husband bought us a new house!"

The other woman again says: "That's nice"

The first woman looking...

I was once in a meeting with a bunch of people raving about how the script for Tommy Wiseau’s movie is amazing. I finally just said “I doubt it” and they all fell silent and stared at me in anger, until one of them said,

“You really need to read the room.”

There is a trend in psychotherapy called Anger Expression therapy where the patient is to express any anger immediately no matter how small or trivial.

Its all the rage.

Sorry is a really weird word.

If a normal person says it, your anger is gone but if a doctor says it, you are gone.

It's best to hire people with anger issues into high positions

Most of them have already had management training

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An ex-girlfriend once told me I only had two emotional states - anger and apathy.

At first, I was really pissed off. But then I was like - meh, who cares?

When I was a teenager, I used to punch my memory foam pillow when my anger was getting beyond control.

Now it's memorized all my moves, and I live in constant fear.

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There are two old ladies at a park. One is rich while the other one is poor. It was the Rich lady's birthday last week.

"my husband got me a diamond ring for my birthday" says the rich lady

"that's nice!" says the poor lady

"he also got me a Mercedes C class" says the rich lady

"that's nice!" says the poor lady

"so what did yours get you?" asks the rich lady

"a book about anger mana...

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Little Johnny was sent home early from school one day.

His Dad seeing him walk into the house was visibly confused and asked Little Johnny why he was sent home.


"I failed my math test" he told his Dad.


"How!? We been studying all week for that stupid thing!" his dad replied angerly.


"First the teacher asked me 'What is ...

Why did the saxophone player have to go to anger management?

He had a bad ALTOtude problem.

What do you call a protein that has anger management issues?

Amino acid!

A collection of math jokes

A big, muscly man enters the bar, slams the counter and says in a deep voice: I want 10 times more beer than everyone here is having.

The bartender says: Now thats an order of magnitude


---------------/


An infinite number of mathematicians enter a bar. The first asks for...

Being the king of an extremely rich nation can get to you sometimes...

Don't get me wrong, I love the pampering, the amazing food and the world class treatment I get wherever I happen to be. However, it does get a little too much when you constantly see people wait on you hand and foot. I get assistance in almost all the activities I perform. I am a grown adult for cry...

Genghis Khan stumbles across a great palace in Northern China

It was a magnificent golden palace, with beautiful ornaments covering every surface as it towered over the surrounding landscape with its size. The steps leading up to the front entrance were crafted from the finest marble, the pillars holding up the ceiling sculpted with the rarest jade. It was tru...

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Three married women are having a "girls only" night out

**NOTE: I'm TRYING TO TRANSLATE THIS JOKE FROM MY LANGUAGE TO ENGLISH HOPE IT TRANSLATES WELL AND SORRY FOR BAD GRAMMAR**

They are enjoying a lovely evening talking about their lives as they usually do every week when they meet up, one of them is particularly excited and fails to hide her exc...

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Mick was in court for a double murder and the judge said, "You are charged with beating your wife to death with a shovel." A voice at the back of the courtroom yelled out, "You bastard!"

The judge continued, "You are also charged with beating your daughter to death with a shovel." Again, the voice at the back of the courtroom yelled out, "You fucking bastard!!!"

The judge stopped, looked at the man in the back of the courtroom, and said, "Paddy, I can understand your anger an...

Jokes from the 90's seem popular here. How about one from the 80's?

Little Timmy had a severe stutter. However, his mother decided that this was no reason for him to not live a normal life, and so decided he should try taking the bus to school on his own.

"It's very simple," she assured her nervous boy. "When you board the bus tomorrow morning, tell the cond...

Why did the vegan get sent to anger management?

He had a bad tempeh...

An aspiring writer once said, “I want to write stuff that the whole world will read, stuff that people will react to on a truly emotional level, stuff that will make them scream, cry, howl in pain and anger!”

He now writes error messages for the Microsoft Corporation.

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If I don't get my IBS and anger issues figured out...

I'm going to lose my shit.

My family and I rode Space Mountain as Joy, Disgust, and Anger from Inside Out.

It was a rollercoaster of emotions.

Why do T Rexes have such bad anger issues?

Because their fathers never hugged them.

Dumb blond male.

There are three construction workers, a Mexican, an African American & a blond Caucasian. When lunch time comes, the construction workers are sitting on a steel beam 30 stories high about to enjoy their food.

The blond opens his lunchbox and is angered to find yet another bologna &...

A couple had been married for 50 years. The man had a large cardboard box under the bed.

His wife had noticed this box but never thought much of it. One day, however, curiosity got the better of her, and she opened it. She found 2 empty beer cans and a bag with some dollar bills and coins.

That night, she asked her husband what this was about.

"Well," he replied. "If y...

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