UPJOKE
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Netflix’s new subscription fees are so high I’ve had to stop paying the heating bill,

Brings a whole new meaning to Netflix and chill…

Heating bills keep going up so I crossed a sheep with a kangaroo.

To make a wooly jumper.

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A guy goes to the doctor because his wife can't orgasm.

The doctor explains his wife is probably over heating and needs to find a way to cool her down.

The guy goes to his best friend and asks him to waft a towel over him and his wife while they have sex to keep them cool.

The friend agrees and the next day he shows up and wafts the towel w...

My landlord yelled at me today because my heating bill is through the roof and that he's going to have to come over soon to discuss a solution.

I told him my door is always open.

Two Canadians

Two Canadians die and end up in Hell. Satan decides to pay them a visit, so he walks into their room and sees them talking and laughing. Confused, he asks them why they're happy.

They tell him, "Well, we're so sick of the cold where we're from, and this place is nice and toasty."

Sat...

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Paddy’s wife has never had an

orgasm so they go to the doctors.
After tests the doctor suggested Paddy's wife may be over heating during sex.
Paddy refuses to buy a fan and decides to get his mate round to waft a towel on them during sex.
After 20 minutes of wafting still no orgasm, so his friend suggest a swap.
I'll...

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Penguin blowjob

I asked a prostitute for sex but she refused because I only had $5. She instead offered me a 'penguin blowjob'.
I had no idea what it was but thought for $5, that was a pretty good deal.

She took off my belt and lowered my trousers and underpants to my ankles and began sucking. As things w...

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Husband says to his wife.

Husband: I'm going down the pub, get your coat on.

Wife: Ooh, am I coming?

Husband: No, I'm turning the fucking heating off.

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My wife just caught me blow drying my penis and asked what I was doing.

Apparently "heating up your dinner" is NOT the correct answer

A guy named Bob dies and goes to hell

Before him stands the Devil.

"Hello, Bob. Welcome to Hell" the Devil says. "Now there are seven levels of hell and since your only sin was cheating on a science test in third grade, you'll be moved to level 1"

"Okay, that doesn't sound so bad" Says Bob

"Level 1 is the hottest...

During a biology exam a student has to list three pros of breast milk. He's unprepared, but starts looking for common sense answers and writes down:

- Contains all the nutrients a baby needs,

- Doesn't need heating,

But he still needs one more. And just as the time is about to run out, the student writes:

- Has great packaging.

I just realized how many heating/cooling vents are in my house.

I’ve seen them before but it didn’t fully register.

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Three guys are waiting in line to get into Heaven.

St. Peter calls out to thee tree guys: "We don't have a lot of space in Heaven, so who ever tells be the most interesting death stories will get in!" The first man walks up and begins his story. "I came home one day from a bad day to find my wife naked on the bed. I suspected that she was cheating w...

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The other night, my girlfriend and I were having sex...

The whole time, she kept saying things like, "Oh baby, it's so hot, I'm so hot, babe." I thought, "Man, she's really into it tonight." Afterward, she turns to me and says, "I can't believe we had sex on top of your heating pad."

My dad works in Heating and Air Ventilation in a Walmart

He gets asked if he works there, he says no I'm a huge Fan

How to get the husband hot and heavy

Two women are talking about their love life over coffee.

"I don't know what to do" groans Margie, "I'm too shy to ask for it, and he doesn't initiate enough!"

"Well," said her friend Sharon, "I have a surefire way to start up my husband."

"Oh?" asks Margie, "DO tell!"

"We...

Winter is upon is, the poor will have to choose between food, heating

Or getting a new tattoo.

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Can you drive with one hand

Woman driver suffering from a cold has the heating on full blast. She stops to pick up a young beautiful hitchhiker.

After a while, the blonde starts to feel too hot, so asks for permission to remove an item of clothing.

The driver is now half focused on the road and half on the blond...

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My wife's heating aid fell out while we were having sex

Me: I'm finished

Her: Come again?

The ancient Romans would be saddened to know how many of their advances we'd forgotten. Aquaducts, fast food, underfloor heating...

But hey, it's all water over the bridge.

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