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Heating Jokes

"Here comes a Sikh-heating missile!"

I say to my mate Gurinder with a grin, as I throw him his beanie and gloves.

Suddenly I find myself floored, nursing a black eye.

...

It was a pun jab.

My landlord wants to talk to me about why my heating bill is so high.

I told him my door is always open.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The heat

Paddy's wife has never had an orgasm so they go to the doctors. After tests the doctor suggest Paddy's wife may be over heating during sex. Paddy refuses to buy a fan and decides to get his mate round to waft a towel on them during sex. After 20 mins of wafting still no orgasm, so his friend suggest...

During a biology exam a student has to list three pros of breast milk.

He's unprepared, but starts looking for common sense answers and writes down:

- Contains all the nutrients a baby needs,

- Doesn't need heating,

But he still needs one more. And just as the time is about to run out, the student writes:

- Has great packaging.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My girl caught me blowing my dick with the air dryer, and asked what I was doing.

Apparently,
"Heating your dinner"
wasn't a good answer.

Netflix’s new subscription fees are so high I’ve had to stop paying the heating bill,

Brings a whole new meaning to Netflix and chill…

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Penguin blowjob

I asked a prostitute for sex but she refused because I only had $5. She instead offered me a 'penguin blowjob'.
I had no idea what it was but thought for $5, that was a pretty good deal.

She took off my belt and lowered my trousers and underpants to my ankles and began sucking. As things ...

Heating bills keep going up so I crossed a sheep with a kangaroo.

To make a wooly jumper.

Two Canadians die and end up in Hell. Satan decides to pay them a visit, so he walks into their room and sees them talking and laughing. Confused, he asks them why they're happy.

They tell him, "Well, we're so sick of the cold where we're from, and this place is nice and toasty."

Satan, annoyed, storms away and goes to Hell's boiler room, where he turns up the temperature.

He goes back to the Canadians' room, along the way being begged by all sorts of people to...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A guy goes to the doctor because his wife can't orgasm.

The doctor explains his wife is probably over heating and needs to find a way to cool her down.

The guy goes to his best friend and asks him to waft a towel over him and his wife while they have sex to keep them cool.

The friend agrees and the next day he shows up and wafts the towel w...

Winter is upon is, the poor will have to choose between food, heating

Or getting a new tattoo.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My wife's heating aid fell out while we were having sex

Me: I'm finished

Her: Come again?

Why weren't the baked beans heating up?

They were just chilling

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I want to live my next life backwards

You start out dead and get that out of the way.

Then you wake up in an old age home feeling and start feeling better every day.

Then you get kicked out for being too healthy.

Enjoy your retirement and collect your pension.

Then when you start work, you get a gold watch ...

Finding out the girl you took home from the bar is actually a guy is like heating your food in the microwave and it still being cold in the middle...

... It's disappointing, but you're gonna eat it anyway.

My landlord told me that he would like to have a chat with me soon...

about the house's sky high heating bills this winter.

I told him: "Sure thing, whenever you want. My door is always open".

I always watch Die Another Day before having a microwave dinner

Why? Because it says Pierce film before heating.

The ancient Romans would be saddened to know how many of their advances we'd forgotten. Aquaducts, fast food, underfloor heating...

But hey, it's all water over the bridge.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I wanted to get to know the new priest at my church.

My priest and I agreed to go fishing. We sat there talking and waiting for a bite until, finally, the priest snagged a large fish. As I helped him pull it out of the water I said,"This is a big son of a bitch."

The priest stopped, "Son, why such salty language?"

Wanting to save face I ...

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