The sweater my wife gave me was picking up static electricity, so I went to the store to change it.

They gave me another one, free of charge.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

My dad gave me money to pay the electricity bill but instead, I bought a lottery ticket for a brand new car.

When I got home, I explained to my dad what I did and he beat the crap out of me. But the next day, when my dad woke up and opened the door, outside my house was a brand new car. We all cried especially me because the car was from the electricity company, they were there to cut off the electricity, ...

If electricity always follows the path of least resistance...

Then why doesn’t lightning only hit France?

Electricity is like a wife.

It's cheaper to take the neighbour's.

Mike and his pregnant wife live on a farm in a rural area in the west of England. No running water, no electricity, etc. One night, Mikes' wife is beginning to deliver the baby

The local doctor is there in attendance. "What d'ya want me to do, Doctor?" "Hold the lantern, Mike. Here it comes!" the doctor delivers the child and holds it up for the proud father to see.
"Mike, you're the proud father of a fine strapping boy." "Saints be praised, I..." Before Mike can fini...

I just bought 10,000 kW of electricity from this one company.

They charged me a lot.

My friend tried explaining to me how electricity is measured.

I was like... watt?

Even the most intelligent people can't survive a day without electricity

Like Stephen Hawking

What’s electricity’s favorite topic?

Current events

I made a generator which created electricity through jokes that were confusing but funny regardless.

It created lots of gigglewhats.

Before I met my girlfriend I was out of control. I was wild and always getting shocked by static electricity. But not anymore...

She really keeps me grounded.

What's the happiest type of electricity

Ecstatic

The teacher asks the kid “What’s the difference between lightning and electricity?”.

The kid responds “Lightning kills for free, but you have to pay for electricity!”

What genre of music is electricity into?

Current

Getting shocked by electricity doesn’t just hurt

It gigahertz

What did Communists use to light their houses before candles?

Electricity

If it wasn't for the sun and electricity

it would be lights out for everyone

My electricity went out, so I went to visit my friend in New York.

It was definitely a power trip.

(As heard on a really old episode of the podcast “Lexicon Valley”.)

Why don't amish people use electricity?

If they had lights they would never sleep with each other

I was replacing a light fixture outside our front door when suddenly the electricity shorted through my screwdriver and made me drop it. My wife opened the door and said, "I turned on the light so you can see better while you're working."

I was too shocked to reply.

If hydrolysis is splitting things with water and electrolysis is splitting things with electricity...

... What is analysis?

When the electricity runs out

Those on the escalators will be the first to fall.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

An engineer, physicist, and a statistician in a hotel room...

So an engineer, a physicist, and a statistician are all sleeping in a hotel room when suddenly an outlet catches fire. The engineer wakes up first and says to himself "this is an electrical fire, water won't work!" And runs to grab a fire extinguisher. The physicist wakes up next and thinks to himse...

I opened both my water and my electricity bills at once.

Needless to say, I was shocked.

Space heaters are such a waste of electricity

I’m on Earth.

I used to be interested in mains electricity when I was a kid...

... then, the interest would go away again.

Turns out, it was just a phase.

There aren't many puns about electricity

I'd be shocked if I thought of one!

What did the blonde say after the lesson on electricity?

Watt?

Why is electricity so motivated?

Because they conduit

My electricity bill was running suspiciously high

Had the power company send someone over. He found a wire tapped into my house running to a neighbor's. Watt do you know, a Joule thief lives next to my Ohm.

Sarcasm to Indians is like electricity

Half of them don't get it

Seems like everything is powered by electricity these days,

Guess you could say electricity's in charge.

You shouldnt play with electricity guys

You might get grounded.

I tried to think of an electricity pun

Now my head hertz

Why are wires addicted to electricity?

They can't resist.

If electricity is always directing itself to the least resistant, where would it go?

The French

After finally turning old enough, a life long train lover finally becomes a train conductor

He was so excited on his first day, he was ready to do the best he could. As he was conducting however, he accidentally got distracted and somehow made the train crash into an office and killed 7 people.

He had to go to court of course and the jury declared him as guilty and the judge gave h...

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I am satisfied with my life choices. I no longer pay for rent, food, electricity and blow jobs...

not until my jail term ends...

With great power comes..

An expensive electricity bill

What did Sean Connery say when he noticed that there wasn't any electricity in the Pennsylvania countryside?

"Shomething'sh Amish..."

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Charlie the Street Car Conductor

Long joke that is passed down in my family

So down in New Orleans there lived a man named Charlie. Charlie ever since he was a young boy wanted to grow up to be a streer car conductor. When he finally became old enough, he applied for the job and lo and behold he got it. Now Charlie was the ...

What do you call electricity still flowing today?

Current.

In the early 20th Century, Thomas Edison was spreading the word about electricity.

Once, while vacationing out West, he stopped at the Sioux reservation. Edison was shocked to learn that there was no indoor plumbing, and that he would have to use an outhouse. In fact, he was told, the Sioux had to use the outhouse regardless of the weather.

To help the Sioux, Edison insta...

I told my boss that three companies were after me and I need a raise....

My boss asked “what companies? “

Gas, water and electricity.

Three murderers are on death row. The day rolls around for their execution. The first man sits in the electric chair and the priest says...

“Any last words?” The murderer exclaims “I’m innocent!” They pull the handle, but nothing happens. The electricity doesn’t run. The priest, astonished, says “that’s a 1 in a million chance, it must be a sign from god. you have be telling the truth.” And the first murderer is free to go.

The s...

why can't coffee conduct electricity?

because it is grounded

How many Nigerians does it take to change a light bulb?

Never mind, I forgot there was no electricity in Nigeria.

Jesus and Satan were having an ongoing argument about who was better on his computer.

They had been going at it for days, and God was tired of hearing all of the bickering.

Finally God said, "Cool it. I am going to set up a test that will run two hours and I will judge who does the better job."

So Satan and Jesus sat down at the keyboards and typed away. They moused. Th...

A farmer got an idea for how to make money off his farm in the off-season.

He had a huge property all bounded by a big, white fence end to end. Along that fence was an old country road where few people drove.

He decided he would set up a Christmas light display like he'd heard about others doing. It took him some time to gather all the lights necessary, but eventual...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

The Fastest Thing in the World

Four men were arguing about what they thought was the fastest thing in the world.

The first man says: I think it's a thought, because when you think of something, it's in your head instantly.

The second man says: I think it's a blink, because when you wink at someone they barely even ...

Some individuals understand the most complicated things in the universe...

I'm sitting here trying to figure out my electricity bill.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A vacuum cleaner salesman knocked on my door...

A vacuum cleaner salesman knocked on my door.

Before I spoke, he tipped a bucket of dog shit onto my carpet and said: “if this vacuum doesn’t remove every trace of it I will personally eat what’s left.”

I replied: “I hope you’re hungry because they cut off my electricity this morning!”

A college girl was found dead in her bathtub...

She decided to take a bath after a long day of testing. Unbeknownst to her, her roommate had a fetish of putting a 9-volt battery in the bath to give herself a small electric shock.

This time, however, she left it in the tub. The college girl decided she wanted to put some soothing bath salts...

Deep in the back woods of Letcher County Kentucky, a hillbilly's wife went into labor in the middle of the night and the doctor was called out to assist in the delivery.

Since there was no electricity, the doctor handed the father-to-be a lantern and said, 'Here, you hold this high so I can see what I am doing!'

Soon a baby boy was brought into the world. 'Whoa there', said the doctor, 'Don't be in such a rush to put that lantern down, I think there's another...

The train driver.

Once upon a time there was a guy that was very passionate about trains ever since he was a little kid.

So no one was surprised that once he grew up he became a train conductor.

However as much as he loved trains he was really terrible at driving them.

Sadly, one day he caused a ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A burnt out advertising executive decides he has had enough of the rat race & buys a property way out west

No electricity, no phones - no company. He has read everything he can &, after a few weeks is getting a bit bored. One afternoon he seens the dust coming up way in the distance coming towards him, a while later a crusty old bushie gets out of a battered holden ute and puts out his hand. "Hello m...

Three engineers are discussing God...

They argue over what kind of engineer God would be. The first engineer says, "God must be a mechanical engineer. Look at how the body moves with all its muscles, bones, joints, ligaments and tendons. The amount of coordination it takes to stand upright, walk and run! He's a mechanical engineer."...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

The Fastest Thing in the World

Four guys were sharing their thoughts on the fastest thing in the world.
The first guys says, “It’s easy, the fastest thing is a thought. Before you can think about it, you’ve had a thought.”
The second guy laughs and says, “Nope. It’s blinking. That is the fastest thing in the world. You ...

From my Botswanan friend

A man dies and goes to hell.

He finds that there is a different hell for each country.

He decides he'll pick the least painful to spend his eternity.

He goes to Germany Hell and asks, 'What do they do here?' ... He is told 'first they put you in an electric chair for an hour. Th...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

An old lady is very hard up

An old lady is very hard up, unable to pay the bills and Christmas is just around the corner. So in desperation she writes a letter to God.

"Dear God, I know you're busy and there are many people more deserving than me, but I really need $100 to pay the gas and electricity bills, plus have so...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A hungry boy arrives home from school in Venezuela.

He says: "Mom, what do we have for lunch"?

She answers "Nothing, my son, nothing".

The boy turns his head and suspiciously stares at their pet parrot, and says: "Mom, what about some cooked parrot with rice?"

She answers: "We don't have rice, my son".

"Can't we eat the pa...

A little old lady answered a knock on the door one day..

..only to be confronted by Kevin, carrying a vacuum cleaner.

"Good morning", said Kevin. "If I could take a couple of minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high powered vacuum cleaners."

"Go away!" said the old lady. "I haven't got any money!"

And ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

3 Newfie’s are talking about how dumb their wives are

Three Newfies are sitting around talking about how dumb their wives are.
First one:
“Boy, my wife she’s right dumb, she went and bought a brand new dishwasher.”
“Cost $2000”
“We ain’t even got indoor plumbing!”

“Awe jeez b’y, you think that’s dumb?”
“Oh me nerves, my wife’s so ...

A woman dies. In heaven she sees a large Wall full of Clocks...

...

She asks angel: What are these for?

Angel answers: These are Lie Clocks, every person has a lie clock! Whenever you lie on earth, clock moves.

The woman points towards a clock and asks: Whose clock is this? ...

Angel says: Its Mother Teresa's. It never moved, showing ...

Recent studies show that electric vehicles made by BMW have a ten percent better battery life.

Because they don't waste electricity by using their blinkers.

When we were kids we used to be afraid of darkness

However, when we grew up and saw the electricity bill we became afraid of light.