UPJOKE
ratsquirrelgroinmoljettyspygopherweaselrodentrabbitsnitchhyenalairanimalmar

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Three moles are crawling through their borrow on their way to breakfast, one right after the other.

The first mole says, “I can already smell that sizzling bacon.”

The second mole says, “I’m pretty sure I can smell hot pancakes with fresh butter and syrup.”

The last mole says, “the only thing I can smell is molasses.”

Three friends, a turtle, a mole and a bear are drafted and have to join the army.

But neither of them want to go, so they need to provide medical proof why they can’t join.

“It’s easy for me”, says the turtle “I am slow.”He enters the examination room and when he comes out, he happily tells his friend that he is in fact too slow.

“Well”, says the mole next, “I am ...

3 moles were shuffling down a tunnel, when the first one says

"hmmm, I smell honey!"

The second one twitches his nose and says "mmm I'm not sure sure.. It smells more like sugar to me!"

The third mole wrinkles his nose... "nope, it's definitely molasses!"

A family of moles

A family of moles awakens from hibernation. The father mole pokes his head out of the hole and says "I smell tulips it must be spring". The mother mole pokes her head out of the hole and says " I smell cherry blossoms it must be spring". The baby mole is trying to squeeze between his parents but get...

A pirate goes to the doctor and say, "I have moles on me back aaarrrghh."

The doctor: "It's ok, they're benign."

Pirate: "Count again, I think there be ten!"

3 Moles are traveling underground.

Daddy mole leading the way, followed by Momma and Baby mole.

Suddenly, Daddy mole stops, sniffs, and says, "MMM, I smell clover."

A few yards further Momma mole stops, sniffs, and says, "Ahhh, I smell honey."

After a few more minutes Baby mole has had enough. He yells towards t...

There are 6.02*10^23 guacas in a guacamole,

This is also known as avocado's number.

there was a family of moles-

Mum, dad and little mole jnr. They were digging their way home after a hard day's mole-ing, all hunched up in a tunnel. Dad at the front, digging hard, mum close behind, and at the back was jnr. Suddenly jnr says "mummy, I can smell treacle!"

Mum tells Dad - " eerm, Junior says he can smell t...

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A man goes to the doctor...

A man goes to the doctor with a large mole on his penis.

"That's unusual", says the doctor

The man says "Well it's the first time I've tried shagging one"

A group of moles are hibernating for the winter in a burrow by a small farm on the countryside

One morning, one of the moles pops his head out of the hole.

“I smell maple syrup in the air!” Says the mole, “every start of spring the farmer’s wife cooks pancakes. It’s time for us to leave!”

The mole leaves the burrow. And a second mole sticks his head out.

“He’s onto someth...

Annoying Mole

Mary looks out her kitchen window and sees that a mole has practically destroyed the back lawn, so she tells her husband, Paddy, to go out and kill it and to show no mercy. After ten minutes, Paddy comes back into the house with an evil grin on his face.

"So," says Mary, "did you drown the fe...

What was the name of the huge boat that was built to harbour a mole of each element in order to not have them go extinct due to the big flood aka the big crunch of the universe?

NaOH's Ark

Three moles live in a hole together.

One day a pancake breakfast is set up around the mole hole. One of the three moles sticks his head out of the hole and says, "I smell syrup!"

The second mole sticks his head out of the hole and says, "I smell ketchup!"

The third mole tries to stick his head out of the hole, but cannot ...

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Last week I had to see the doctor to have a mole removed from my penis.

The lesson here is don't try to have sex with a mole.

Look down a mole hole, what do you see?

Molasses.

Joke in honor of mole day

Three moles are going through the ground looking for food.
The first mole pops up out of the ground and sniffs around.
He says "hey guys I think were getting close I smell some syrup".
The next mole pops up and says "ya we must be a smell some syrup too".
The last mole pops up and says "...

The breast implant recall is making some women upset.

But I think they are making a mole hill out of a mountain.

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Just been to hospital having a huge mole removed from my penis.

Won't be shagging one of those again.

What did the quiet Mole Salamander say to the talkative Mole Salamander?

"You sure do Axolotl questions"

A mommy mole, daddy mole, and baby mole are together in their burrow

Mommy mole sticks her head out and sniffs the air. She asks, "What's that smell? Is it brown sugar?"

Daddy mole sticks his head out to sniff around, "No I don't think so. Smells like vanilla to me."

The baby mole still in the burrow says "I don't know what you guys are talking about. ...

Does anyone else think Moles are underated?

Not a lot of people know about them. They're pretty underground.

You shouldn’t joke about Molestations…

How are else would the Moles get to work

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I Just had a mole removed from my penis.

The animal shelter said if it happens again they’re going to press charges.

Four Moles Are Burrowing Under A Bakery

As they get closer to the surface, the first mole in the line sniffs deeply and says, "Mmmmm, I smell cookies!"

They dig a big further, and the second mole raises his noise and says, "Wow, I smell cake!"

The dig goes on another few minutes, and the third mole finally smells something a...

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I've got to go to hospital tomorrow to have a mole removed from the end of my cock,

That's the last time I try and fuck one of those.

Papa, Mama, and baby mole are in their hole relaxing.

Suddenly Papa mole says “I smell honey” so he sticks his head out of the
hole to look around.

Then Mama mole says “I smell maple syrup” so she sticks her head out
of the hole to look around.

Baby mole is too small to see out the hole so he says “All I smell is
molasses”.

Sherlock Holmes: My dear Watson, you have a mole on your right upper thigh.

Watson (Amazed): Yes! How did you know?

Holmes: Simple my dear Watson, you forgot to put on your pants.



P.S. My dad told me this today.

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My friend went to the doctor to have a large mole removed from his penis.

The doctors said that if this happens again, they are calling the cops.

What do you call a mole that doesn't feel pain?

A Paracetamole

There was a family of moles underground.

They were just relaxing down there when the father mole pokes his head out the hole and says “wow, I smell sugar”. The mother mole is interested so she pokes her head out the hole and exclaims” wow I smell glucose!” Then the mother mole calls her son over and he says “ holy cow I smell fructose!” Th...

Moles

After a long winter, the ground finally becomes soft enough for the moles to emerge from their tiny mole hole. Excited for something besides bugs, the moles all scurried quickly to pop their heads out of the hole.

The father mole finally stuck his head out of the hole, sniffed the air and sa...

Hey doctor, can you take a look at this mole on my shoulder?

Doctor: I'm a dermatologist, not a veterinarian!

My wife told me that the cats killed a mole and left it on our porch.

After some investigation, I informed her that it in fact appeared to be a shrewicide.

If a mole working within the FBI were to come up with a joke what kind would it be?

An inside joke.

A family of moles lived in a hole in the city.

There was a father mole, a mother mole and many sister and brother moles. One day, they were awoken by a pleasant smell that none of them could identify. The father scurried up the hole and poked his head out, then announced “I smell milk and honey!” The mother mole followed close behind him, took a...

A man found a mole on his arm one day.

He'd never seen it before, but he wasn't the most attentive person, so he let it alone. A week passed. Eventually, that mole began to grow, and seemed to bleed into the skin around it. The man asked his wife about it, and she said he should probably get it checked out, but he ignored the advice, ass...

Three moles smell something.

Papa mole first pokes his head out of the hole and sniffs. He then says "I smell some good pancakes and syrup." Next mama mole pokes her head out of the hole and says "all I smell is fruits and honey." Then baby mole tries to poke his head out of the hole and says " I can't smell anything except mol...

It's been a long hard winter for Mr. And Mrs. Mole...

It's been cold and dark and, well, dank, down in their molehill. Baby Mole is too young to remember the warm days of spring.
One fine morning in March a breeze from above wafts through the burrow. "Do you smell that?" cries Mr. Mole as he scurries up the narrow tunnel to the entrance to the bur...

There once was a family of moles in their mole hole when one smelled something sweet...

The father mole stuck his head out of the mole hole and said "is that honey?" So the mother mole squeezed through the hole next to the father and smelled "that may be maple syrup! It smells so wonderful!" The baby mole, wanting to see what all the commotion was about, frustratingly couldn't fit betw...

3 moles are digging underground in a single-file line.

The first mole stops digging and says, “I smell syrup!”

The second mole lifts up its head and says, “I smell honey!”

The mole in the back yells, “I smell mole-asses!”

There are three moles at the bottom of their mole hole

The first mole, daddy mole, wakes up, climbs to the top, sticks his nose out and says, "Mmmmm...I smell bacon!"
Mommy mole wakes up. She climbs to the top, sticks her nose out and says, "Mmmmm....I smell pancakes!"
Baby mole wakes up. He climbs up, but gets stuck behind his mom and dad. He tak...

The Mole family

Sorry if it's a repost... There are too many jokes to check them all.

So here goes..

Early one morning, mama mole woke and thought "I smell pancakes and syrup." So she climbed up the tunnel and stuck her nose out of the mole hole to enjoy the aroma. Papa mole followed and squeezed next...

The other day I asked my doctor if my mole was normal

The mole told my doctor he was, so I'm not too worried about it

Why was the mole’s rental fee so costly?

Because he burrowed and never returned

Mr. Mole told Mrs. Mole he would have to work late at the bakery.

He comes home and she is furious. She says don't lie to me …
you were at the Bottoms Up bar getting lap dances from the female mole dancers! He said "why would you say that?" She exclaimed "Because your clothes smell like molasses.

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You and 2 friends of yours walk through a forest

after a while you lot stumble upon a hut, from which a weird old lady, resembling a witch, comes out from. She slowly says
*"...do not step on the purple flower..."*
and then goes back into her hut.

A little confused, you exchange looks with your friends, shrug, and keep walking.
...

I'm getting my Darth Vader shaped mole checked out.

I'm concerned because it's on the dark side.

I used to hate my mole.

But you know what? It's growing on me.

I never used to like moles.

But now they’ve started growing on me.

What do a mole and an eagle have in common?

They both live underground. Except for the eagle.

A family of moles lives in a hole outside a farm...

Then one morning as the farmer was cooking breakfast, the daddy mole stuck his head out of the hole and said "Mmmm I smell bacon" then the mommy mole stuck her head out of the hole and said "Mmmm I smell pancakes" the little baby mole was curious and tried SO HARD to hop up so he can smell what ever...

A mole family wakes up one morning.

The father mole stretches, climbs up to the edge of the hole, and exclaims, "it smells just like syrup out here!" The mama mole squeezes up next to him and says "well I'll be, it *does* smell like syrup!" Then the little baby mole tries to push his way to the hole but his mom and dad are completely ...

Quality control at a Whack-a-Mole factory

...Is either hit or miss

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A Tale of 3 moles

There once was three moles, a mama mole, a daddy mole and a baby mole. They all lived in a mole hole, together.
One day the daddy mole smelled a wonderful smell coming from outside the mole hole.
Daddy mole went and poked his little head out of the mole hole. He thought to himself, " wow, tha...

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Bob goes into a public restroom...

...and sees this guy standing next to the urinal. The guy has no arms.

As Bob's standing there, taking care of business, he wonders to himself how the poor wretch is going to take a leak. Bob finishes and starts to leave when the man asks Bob to help him out.

Being a kind soul, Bob say...

Three moles dig their way to IHOP

The first mole pops his head out, sniffs around, and says, "mmm I smell pancakes!"
The second moles pops his head out, sniffs around, and says, "mmmm I smell coffee!"
The third mops his head out, sniffs around, and says, "all I smell is molasses.."

How do you stop a mole from digging?

Take his shovel away

Mole family and farmer Davis

There was a mole family on a farm, they had a mole hole. The farm belonged to Farmer Davis.

One day Farmer Davis decided to cook some chicken, so he starts a cookin.

Papa mole could smell some chicken and thought it smelled so good, so he scurried on up the mole hole and say at the ent...

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Surgical Removal of a Mole

I'm back from hospital now. ... I had a mole removed from my penis.


The surgeon said I'll be OK, but the RSPCA said they'll prosecute if I ever do it again.

Why does the Sweet-toothed Mole have such a powerful sense of smell?

So it can detect mole asses from a distance.

There Once Lived A Family of Moles on a Hill.

On morning Papa Mole woke up and walked to the entrance of the burrow. He was greeted with the most beautiful morning he had ever seen. The sunrise shone brightly and scents of spring wafted through the air.

"This is amazing!" Papa exclaimed "Ma! Come and see this! The morning's beautiful an...

So a family of moles wakes up one morning to the smell of pancakes...

The father mole heads up to check things out. From the entrance to their den, the smell is a lot stronger, but being naturally skittish, he stays in the doorway. "This smells great!" he said. "It smells like pancakes and warm syrup!"

Her curiosity piqued, the mother mole joins the father in ...

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My grandfather’s favorite joke

An old fisherman makes camp up in the wild north country near a blue-green lake, and in the morning he starts to make breakfast. As he’s cooking, a little family of moles living in a mole-hill nearby begin to smell what the old fisherman’s cooking. The mother mole says “Hey! Old Fisherman’s cooking,...

Ripped a mole off my face today...

Gotta stop looking down gopher holes...

What's a mobsters favorite game?

Whack a Mole

What do you call 6.022 x 10^23 molecules of avocado?

A guac-mole

A pirate walks into a doctor's surgery.

"Avast, sawbones," he growls, "I wants ye to look at the moles on me back. I think they might be of the cancerin' kind."

The doctor has a look at the pirate's back.
"It's OK," he says, "they're benign."


"Arrr... look again," says the pirate, "I'm pretty sure there be ten."

Hole in a Wall

While doing a wee, I once saw /
a mole that was quite the oddball /
it didn't live underground /
but rather, I found /
that it lived in the hole in the wall

So I peered in the home of the mole /
What I saw 'twas a sight to behol' /
inside was a place /
full ...

I’m not claiming my neighbor is in the mob, but...

There was a mole in my yard and I asked him to help me kill it.
He asked if it needed to look like an accident.

What animal has exactly 12 grams of carbon?

A mole

A man with a large growth on his nose is in a failing marriage.

He comes home from the doctor, and his wife asks how it went.

The husband replies "Wonderful! I've lost two inches from my waist, my blood pressure is in a healthy range, and I no longer have any problems with my posture."

The wife looks perplexed.

"In fact" the husband conti...

What do you get when you cut an avocado into 6.022x10^23 pieces?

Guacamole.

What's the most popular arcade game in Mexico?

Guac - a - mole

What do you call a group of atoms suffering from hypothermia?

Mole-cool

Shamelessly stolen

A momma mole, pappa mole and baby mole were all in their mounds relaxing. The pappa mole popped his head out, and said "It smells like honey up here!"
The momma mole then popped her head out and said "No, it smells like syrup up here."
The baby mole wanted to pop his head out, but there wasn...

Why did the 22140857×10^23 molecules of Methyl Acetate go to jail?

It was a Mole-Ester!

What’s green, comes from Mexico and goes underground?

A guaca mole

Has anyone played that weird Mexican carnival game where groundhogs pop out of holes and you have to smear them with avocado?

I really suck at Guac-a-mole.

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What religion is your bra?

A man walked into the ladies department of a Macy's and shyly walked up to the woman behind the counter and said, "I'd like to buy a bra for my wife."

"What type of bra?" asked the clerk.

"Type?" inquires the man, "There's more than one type?"

"Look around," said the saleslady, ...

A guy takes a girl to the state fair for their first date.

The guy asks her what she wants to do, she says, "I want to get weighed." So they visit the weighing booth, where the worker attempts to guess her weight. He guesses wrong the first time, and she gets a teddy bear.

They get some funnel cake and play whack-a-mole, until the guy asks again, "I'...

Where Guacamole's grow

From @neiltyson

Geeky Chemistry Humor for Foodies:

If Avogadro’s Number is 6.022 x 10^23 (which equals one Mole) then 6.022 x 10^23 Avocados equals one Guaca-Mole.

What do chemists make guacamole out of?

Avogadros

A pirate goes to the doctor..

'Thar be strange moles on me back'
Doctors has a look.
'They're benign'
'Check again matey,I counted 10'

After a burglary a store owner calls the police

After a burglary a store owner calls the police. After they arrive one officer takes the owner aside to ask about what happened:

"How tall was the perp'", the officer asked.
"He was about six foot", the owner replied.

"Did he have any distinguishing characteristics?"
"Well, he di...

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