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Spirits Jokes

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What do you call prostitutes that only work for spirits?

Ghost busters

Joke from my 8 year old daughter for Halloween.

Why didn’t the ghost like to take showers?



Because it would dampen his spirits.

Where do spirits buy food?

The ghostery store

What do you call a psychic that only talks to male spirits?

Misogymystic

Got a variable rate mortgage on a haunted house and a cheap psychic to cleanse the spirits.

A month later it was repossessed.

My friend and I used to make frequent conjugal visits to an all-female prison to help lift their spirits.

And it also gave us some scents of perp-puss.

What do evil spirits say on Friday the 13th?

"Voorhees a jolly good fellow!"

Albert Einstein once said: "Great spirits have always encountered violent opposition from mediocre minds.”

He was probably talking about the 18th Amendment.

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What do boobs on talking trees and spirits have in common?

They are both entitties.

After being 3 months sober from drinking, I bought myself a motivational poster to keep my spirits up.

"You miss 100% of the shots you don't take." -Wayne Gretzky

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Did I ever tell you about my friend who could fuck spirits?

Great guy, terrible barman

Depressing pickup lines.

Are you suicide?
Because I think about you every day.

Are you a toaster?
Because I really want to take a bath with you.

Are you a noose?
Because I really want to hang with you.

Are you a gravestone?
Because I really wish you were on top of me.

Are you anti-...

How do you get bullied by evil spirits?

By communicating with them with a Wedgie Board.

A dad was depressed, so he went to the liquor store

He bought some whiskey, and tequila

When he got home, he set them on the table

His son immediately picked up both bottles

The dad asks "What are you doing?!"

The son responds "You were sad, so I'm lifting your spirits"

To cope with stress you either need to have a strong spirit...

...or strong spirits

How do Ethiopian horses ward evil spirits away from their harnesses?

They bless the reins down in Africa

People ask, "Why do you hunt evil spirits?"

It's because my doctor said exorcising would be good for me.

I'm chronically depressed, but my spirits feel uplifted when I'm outside in the beautiful sunshine.

I guess I must be Soular powered?

I don't drink alcohol. I drink distilled spirits.

So I'm not an alcoholic. I'm spiritual.

What do you get when you mix ornithology with Mexican spirits?

Tequila Mockingbird

An Indian shaman dies and his only student isn't very good...

An Indian shaman dies and his only student isn't very good but he can't let his people down so when they ask him if snow is coming he tells them.

"I must go and speak with the spirits. All of you cut firewood until I get back though just in case." And so the whole tribe begins cutting wood an...

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I'm going to become a fortune teller, and I went to buy a crystal ball from a mystic...

The mystic said, "always cover it with a black cloth when you're not using it."

I asked, "oh because it may invoke spirits without my knowledge?" "Of course not" she said.

I asked "oh because the neighbors might see and brand me a heretic?" "Not that either" she said.

I asked...

A ghost walks into the bar

"Sorry sir, we don't serve spirits".

I invented a new drink I call the Mockingbird. Like a Martini, it can be made with different spirits.

Now, if it becomes popular, I can walk into a bar (as we do in all good r/Jokes) and order a Tequila Mockingbird.



\[Sad note: So, just before posting this, I Google and find that of course someone before me has thought of this, and the Tequila Mockingbird is already a thing. Ah well.\...

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Landing on the Moon

In 1969, in the months leading up to the Moon landing, the Apollo 11 astronauts trained in a remote moon-like desert in the western United States. One day as they were training, the astronauts came across an old Native American.


‘What are you doing here?’ the old man asked.


‘We...

What kind of spirits haunt an abandoned Benjamin Moore or Sherwin Williams?

Mineral spirits

Chuck Norris, Zelensky, and God all walk into a bar.

The Bartender looks up, "Were were just about to start a new drinking game I've been working on. I call out a bragging point, and each one willing to meet it, chugs their drink. The last man standing due to matching every post and surviving every drink, gets the pot. Everyone else has to split the t...

A Hobo/Tramp walks into a hardware store and asks for a bottle of methylated spirits

The cashier refuses to sell it to him, ‘you’ll just drink it! It’s terrible and will kill you, I’m not selling you this!’

‘I promise I won’t, honest to God I won’t drink it!’ Says the hobo.

‘Ok, I’ll sell it to you, but no drinking it!’

‘Thanks!’ Says the Hobo as the cashier rea...

Why are all exorcists alcoholics?

Because they can’t handle their spirits.

I left a bottle a whiskey outside last night and it got rained on.

It's not ruined but my spirits are dampened.

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