After being 3 months sober from drinking, I bought myself a motivational poster to keep my spirits up.

"You miss 100% of the shots you don't take." -Wayne Gretzky

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A sex addict, an alcoholic and a pot head die and arrive at the gates of heaven.

Jesus is standing there looking at them sternly he says, " I stand at these gates to judge the souls that have passed on. If you do not deserve to enter heaven then you will be cast to the fire filled depths of hell where you will spend all eternity in agony."

The three sinners knowing the l...

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What do boobs on talking trees and spirits have in common?

They are both entitties.

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Just beyond the Gates of Hell, an alcoholic, a womanizer, and a stoner find themselves standing in front of three identical doors.

There to greet them is none other than Satan, who tells them a secret method to getting into Heaven: Each man must spend 1,000 years in a room with their greatest vice. If he does so, he will be allowed to enter Heaven. The catch? At the end of the 1,000 year period, if the man asks to be let out of...

A man walks into a pet shop and says “I purchased a parrot from this store a week ago and he has not yet spoken.”

The store owner says, “Well, some parrots are slower learners than others. Here’s a book of simple phrases you can teach your parrot.”

The man accepted the book, paid for it, and left.

The next day, the man walked into the store and said, “That bird still won’t talk.”

The store ...

The Beggar Girl

In the beginning of the 20th century, a young girl called Edit left her home country of Sweden, and crossed the Ocean to make a new life in America. Unfortunately, it did not go all that well, and she found herself soon homeless, begging for food or money to survive.

She used to occupy a stre...

Depressing pickup lines.

Are you suicide?
Because I think about you every day.

Are you a toaster?
Because I really want to take a bath with you.

Are you a noose?
Because I really want to hang with you.

Are you a gravestone?
Because I really wish you were on top of me.

Are you anti-...

I'm chronically depressed, but my spirits feel uplifted when I'm outside in the beautiful sunshine.

I guess I must be Soular powered?

You know what would really lift my spirits these days?

If I integrated a gym into my liquor store.

Are you scared your house is haunted.....

Just drink spirits to show them who's boss

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Did I ever tell you about my friend who could fuck spirits?

Great guy, terrible barman

In German Prisoner-of-War camps, escapes were a a major problem.

The officers would try to break the prisoners’ spirits by making them do mindless things. In particular, they would make the prisoners stand in a line and all move their heads like a clock back and forth and say, ‘tick tock tick tock.’

Some prisoners, unable to escape or otherwise change thei...

The staff of this liquor store called the cops on me for stealing Whisky and Vodka.

I don't understand. I was only lifting their spirits.

I'm a bit of a Scrooge

But last night I had a visit from three spirits. The were called Jack, Jim and Henry... Made for done wonderful Christmas cheer...

Merry Christmas

Why is the forklift operator at the distillery you own always so nice to you?

Because it's his job to lift your spirits.

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Why do ghosts like to ride the elevator?

It lifts their spirits
happy spoopy day

In his later years, the Lone Ranger and Tonto were catching up on old times. After awhile the Lone Ranger paused and said “I have some sad news.”

“Tell me, old friend” said the faithful Tonto.

“Well...I recently was diagnosed with Cancer”

“Bad spirits,” replied his old companion.

The Lone Ranger look off into the distance for a minute. “After all your years of wisdom, what do you think I should do?”


“Chemo, s...

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A Man Comes Home To His Apartment To Find His Wife In Bed, Naked

Now, he's already suspected her of cheating for some time, and coming home to see his wife naked in her bed set him off like a bull.

"WHERE IS THAT FUCKER!!!!" He shouts at her, wildly scrambling around the room, looking in every hiding spot his mind can think of.

He suddenly runs out ...

you shouldn't date spirits

they'll always ghost you

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The stubborn duck

A duck walks…waddles into a pub. Goes up to the bar and says, “Got any coffee?”

The barman says, “No - we don’t sell coffee. Only beers, wines, spirits and soft drinks.” and the duck leaves.

The next day, the exact same thing. “Got any coffee?” says the duck.

“No”, replies the b...

A dad was depressed, so he went to the liquor store

He bought some whiskey, and tequila

When he got home, he set them on the table

His son immediately picked up both bottles

The dad asks "What are you doing?!"

The son responds "You were sad, so I'm lifting your spirits"

How do Ethiopian horses ward evil spirits away from their harnesses?

They bless the reins down in Africa

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Say what you like about cocktail waitresses,

but they'll lift your spirits.

Trump’s being driven through a backroad out to the White House...

Trump’s being driven through a backroad out to the White House one night when suddenly, the car lurches to a halt.

The driver explains that a pig from a nearby farm wandered onto the road and he hit it.
Trump is a bit annoyed, but tells the driver, "Just go to their house, tell them you're...

I never believed in the after life, spirits or ghosts...

Until I got on dating apps.

Did you hear about the alcoholic medium?

He made all the spirits disappear.

How do you get bullied by evil spirits?

By communicating with them with a Wedgie Board.

What do you get when you mix ornithology with Mexican spirits?

Tequila Mockingbird

The effects of COVID-19 on Trump

White House press secretary Kayleigh McEnany said “President Trump remains in good spirits, has mild symptoms, and has been working throughout the day.”

Who'd have guessed COVID-19 would improve Trump's work ethic?

A ghost walks into a bar at 4 am.

The bartender says: “sorry, we don’t serve spirits after 3.”

What do ghosts drink...?

Spirits!

"We call hard-drinking Ian an exorcist." "Why?" asks the bartender.

"When he shows up, all the spirits disappear."

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Landing on the Moon

In 1969, in the months leading up to the Moon landing, the Apollo 11 astronauts trained in a remote moon-like desert in the western United States. One day as they were training, the astronauts came across an old Native American.


‘What are you doing here?’ the old man asked.


‘We...

A Hobo/Tramp walks into a hardware store and asks for a bottle of methylated spirits

The cashier refuses to sell it to him, ‘you’ll just drink it! It’s terrible and will kill you, I’m not selling you this!’

‘I promise I won’t, honest to God I won’t drink it!’ Says the hobo.

‘Ok, I’ll sell it to you, but no drinking it!’

‘Thanks!’ Says the Hobo as the cashier rea...

Why did the sad little boy bring a ghost into the elevator?

To lift his spirits

People ask, "Why do you hunt evil spirits?"

It's because my doctor said exorcising would be good for me.

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