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Spiritual Jokes

So a couple go to a spiritual healer...

...and they ask him to cure their illnesses. The healer says he will, but they must put their hand on the part of their body they want healed.

The wife proceeds to put her hand on her throat, as she has had a sore throat which won't go away. Looking at his wife, the husband then proceeds to ...

A spiritual Leader lay quietly. He was dying.

The disciples had gathered around his bed and recited some holy verses trying to make his last journey divine and pleasant.

They wanted to give him warm milk to drink but he declined.

One of the disciples took the glass back to the kitchen and decided to add some brandy con...

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Twelve priests were about to be ordained. The final test was for them to line up in a straight row, totally nude in a garden, while a sexy and beautiful big breasted nude model danced before them.

Each priest had a small bell attached to his penis and they were told that anyone whose bell rang when she danced in front of them would not be ordained because he had not reached a state of spiritual purity. The beautiful model danced before the first candidate with no reaction. She proceeded down ...

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Russia has been cut off from CNN, CBS, ABC Pornhub, Facebook...

US is working depriving Russians of McDonalds, Coca-Cola and US fastfood. They continue with these sanctions and Russian people will probably be the most healthiest, well adjusted, spiritual and well informed people on the planet.

I'm tired of explaining to my spiritual Guru how E-mails work.

He can't just understand what attachments are!

The very spiritual Gandhi walked everywhere, leaving him with impressive calluses. And he ate very little, which made him rather frail. His odd diet also plagued him with bad breath. I guess you could say.....

That he was a super callused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

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Spiritual Magic Fail

Jesus and Moses are hanging out at a lake when Moses asks Jesus, "When was the last time you've used your powers, feels like it's been ages!"

Jesus replies, "It's definitely been awhile but let's test them out!"

Moses stands up, rubs his hands together and points them at the lake and s...

What size of pizza is the most spiritual?

A medium.

I tried calling the spiritual leader of Tibet.

I was sent a goat with a long neck. Turns out I was calling Dial a lama.

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A guide to spirituality.

Religious Views of Life

Taoism - Shit happens

Confucianism - Confucious says, shit happens.

Buddhism - If shit happens, it isn't really shit.

Zen - What is the sound of shit happening?

Hinduism - This shit happened before.

Islam - If shit happens, it is the ...

A lawyer is dieing in hospital and his family visits him...

...and find him sitting in bed, reading the Bible.
"Ah" said his daughter "You're getting spiritual comfort"
"No", said the lawyer, "I'm looking for loopholes"

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A spiritual healer named Lee...

...ducked into an alley to pee.
He pissed in the eye,
Of some blind homeless guy,
Who cried, "holy shit! I can see!"

People seem to like me more now that I say I'm a spiritual person

As compared to before when I used the term "alcoholic" instead

How do you call an australian who is a spiritual leader and a ruler in mongolia ?

A Khan Guru

Five people are on a plane that is going to crash; Oprah, the Pope, Greta Thunberg, Trump and Dr. Fauci.

Only four parachutes though.

Fauci takes one, says "I’ve got to live so I can find a cure for this pandemic and jumps out of the plane."

The Pope takes one, says "I have to be there to provide spiritual guidance to the faithful during this pandemic and he jumps out."

Trump takes...

I took a spiritual guide to court for crashing into my car.

They tried to claim it was an accident.

I said there are no accidents.

They said they didn't think they would hit my car because they were on a spiritual plane.

I said you should have gone to a higher plane.

My ex told me her spiritual animal was the tiger...

but it turned out it was the cheetah.

What did the spiritual race car driver say to his mother?

I have good car, ma!

If you loiter in a Tibetan spiritual leaders sandwich shop every day, then...

... you dilly dally in the Dalai's deli daily.

I’m a fat man starting to feel spiritual

As I looked into all the different religions, I found that that all of them, in one way or another, involved abstaining from food. Hindus, for example all give up beef. Mormons boycott alcohol and coffee. As a Catholic you can eat anything most of the year, but have to give up the foods like most fo...

Getting spiritual at the bar

A guy walks into a bar and notices a framed picture of a cat hanging behind the bar. "What happened to the picture of Buddha you used to have hanging back there?" he asks the bartender. The bartender replies, "That was Zen, this is Meow."

How do you call a pidgeon that is also a spiritual teacher?

Guru

What is the most spiritual letter?

The letter G

My yoga teacher said that downward dog will take one to a place of spiritual revelation.

That's a big stretch.

Hear the one about the Buddhist monk who *almost* achieved total spiritual enlightenment?

He only made it to Nearvana.

A teacher asked her students: “when you go to heaven, which part of your spiritual body goes first?”

A teacher asked her students: “when you go to heaven, which part of your spiritual body goes first?”

Little Anna raised her finger.

“Yes Anna?”

“I think the hands go first”, she said.

“Why is that?”, asked the teacher.

“Because, when people pray, they raise thei...

I wanted spiritual guidance but all she did was stare at my feet.

She was trying to read my sole.

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Celibacy or .....

Before being ordained 6 priests had to stand nude with a bell tied to their cocks. Anyone whose bell rang had no spiritual purity. A naked girl with big tits & a shaved fanny danced before each one. 1st priest no reaction. She went down the line with no response from them till she reached last p...

My great grandfather is a really spiritual person

He’s dead.

The geography of a woman as she ages: (from a friend)

Between 18 and 22, a woman is like Africa .
Half discovered, half wild, fertile and naturally Beautiful!

Between 23 and 30, a woman is like Europe.
Well developed and open to trade, especially for someone of real value.

Between 31 and 35, a woman is like Spain.
Very hot, re...

A priest begins to wonder if his religion is really the only ‘true’ religion. In his search he finds an Internet forum with like mined faith/spiritual seekers, and quickly befriends a Jewish Rabbi, and a Buddhist monk.

The three debate for months, with no real progression as such, until a post appears from a new user, claiming to be the purest, living descendant of Adam & Eve. He further claims, that to those who truly believe, he will grant the secret to human evolution.
All but the monk immediately dismi...

Inner Peace

If you can start the day without caffeine,

If you can always be cheerful, ignoring aches and pains,

If you can resist complaining and boring people with your troubles,

If you can eat the same food every day and be grateful for it,

If you can understand when your loved one...

Wife: I'm going shopping, do you need anything?

Husband: I'm looking for inner-peace and happiness, an answer to my doubts, a sense of fulfilment, a medium through which I can transcend consciousness and reach true spirituality, calmness and...


Wife: Be specific; Smirnoff or Absolut?

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The Blind Monk [OC]

In a monastery in Tibet I met a blind old monk.
I was looking for spiritual enlightenment, and he was willing to help me on my search.

He introduced himself as Yu and spoke only in third person.
We would sit together for long stretches saying nothing, before he would tell me stories fro...

What is the one spiritual condition that can never be obtained by blind people?

Enlightenment

If you want to destroy science, you are a fundamentalist; if you want to destroy spiritual theology, you are a scientist; if you want to destroy both, you are

Nietzsche

There was a man with an odd habit of repeating one sentence, that he'll make a slingshot and kill the birds.

His family was extremely worried about this. They feared he had completely lost his mind. The family took him to all nearby doctors but all in vain. They had nearly given up when one day they heard about this spiritual healer.

In hopes of getting him fixed, the family decided to travel far a...

I want you to know I'm not racist...

Like I said. I'm not racist. I have nothing against people of color, any kind of spiritual belief, or any political backing.

However. I do have something against amputees. I don't know what it is about them, but I just feel like they're missing something.

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At university, students had to come up with a sentence in which the words "love" and "sex" both appeared

A female student's composition:

'When two people deeply and passionately love each other, and both reach a high level of mutual respect, then society morally and spiritually encourages that these two people should unite in the ecstasy of physical sex.'

A male student's composition:
...

Life has 3 levels of existence...

Pain and pleasure in the physical plane. Enlightenment in the spiritual plane. And no leg room in the air plane.

After months of intense meditation in a shaolin temple I was ready for the final test.

The head of the order looked at me kneeling and spoke. ''You've done exceptionally well. You've mastered the physical, the spiritual, and the emotional. Now you must face the practical. The moment you walk out of here your path will seem clear to you, but that doesn't mean it's right.'

So I g...

Mahatma Gandhi was a strange person.

He walked barefoot everywhere, to the point that his feet became quite thick and hard. He often went on hunger strikes, and even when he wasn't on a hunger strike, he did not eat much and became quite thin and frail. He also was a very spiritual person. Finally, because he didn't eat much and when h...

My daughter told me that she now believes in the power of rocks

I thought that she became spiritual,
Turns out she just started smoking Crack

Ghandi walked around barefoot most of the time, so he had rough feet. And he fasted a lot for spiritual and political reasons, so he’s not very physically strong. And because of the fasting, you could say that he did not have great breath, it didn’t smell great.

So to sum it all up, you could say that Ghandi was a super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

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At a priest's ten year celebration service, a man is due to give a sermon...

Ten years ago a new vicar arrived at the parish. An immensely popular man, he was holding mass on the ten year anniversary, and a man from the village was due to give a sermon.

However, the time for the sermon came and there was no sign of the man. So the vicar stands up and addresses the pe...

The Cathedral of San Giovanni

The City-State of San Giovanni is largely forgotten today. In 1571, however, it was a wonderful place to be for both the secular and the spiritual. The was no war for three centuries, the market benefited from its close proximity to the Old Salt Route, and the artist community was vibrant and influe...

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The Wise Rabbi

A nazi once approached a Jewish rabbi.
"How are you jews so clever? Tell me or I'll kill you!" he demanded.
The rabbi stroked his beard. "Ok, I'll tell you, but first you must become more spiritual. Go and fast for 40 days. Each day, immerse yourself in freezing water."

40 days later, ...

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A Rabbi goes on a cruise.

Midway through the trip, a severe storm sinks the ship and the Rabbi finds himself the lone survivor on his life boat. Starving and dehydrated, his life boat beaches on an unexplored island populated by natives.

They take him in, and nurse him back to health. Over the course of months he is...

A priest goes into a barbershop, gets a haircut, thanks the barber and asks how much he owes him.

The barber says, "Father, you're a holy man, a man of the cloth, I couldn't charge you, it's on the house."

The priest says, "Thank you very much" and leaves.

The next day, magically appearing on the doorstep of the barbershop are 12 gold coins.

A few days later, a ministe...

When your in your casket............?

Three friends from the local congregation were asked,
"When you're in your casket, and friends and congregation members are mourning over you,
what would you like them to say?"


Artie said, "I would like them to say I was a wonderful husband, a fine
spiritual leader,...

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The farmer and the ringmaster

Once upon a time, in a rural area, there was a poor, uneducated farmer.

One time, a circus came to the town. The farmer decided to visit it. After all, having spent all his life in his hometown, he had never seen such a thing. He was so excited and impressed.

During the ope...

I don't drink alcohol. I drink distilled spirits.

So I'm not an alcoholic. I'm spiritual.

Santa Claus had started feeling like he was losing some of his mojo at one point...

... so in recent years, he had taken to periodically stopping during his annual Christmas Eve present run to take in words of wisdom from spiritual leaders from various backgrounds all over the world, hoping that someone could re-ignite that spark for him that made Christmas special.

Eventual...

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A Lack of Recognition

Jews do not recognize Jesus as the Messiah.

Protestants do not recognize the Pope as the spiritual leader of their churches.

Baptists do not recognize each other in liquor stores or gentlemen's clubs.

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Four Types of Orgasm.

1.Spiritual...."Oh God"

2.Positive....."Oh Yes"

3.Negative...."Oh No"

And,

4.Fake......"Oh [insert your name here]"

So there's this big game hunter...

He was getting up there in age, so he decided he was going to go on one last trophy hunt for something he didn't have, a polar bear.

This hunter traveled up north and is talking to an inuit tribe. He says he wants to go after the largest part bear they've seen.

One man says, "Six feet ...

Before celebrating a baptism, the deacon approached the young father and said solemnly, “Baptism is a serious step. Are you sure you’re prepared for it?”

"I think so,” the man replied. “My wife has made appetizers and we have a caterer coming to provide plenty of cookies and cakes for our guests.”
“I don’t mean that,” the deacon replied. “I mean, are you prepared spiritually?”
“Oh sure,” came the reply. “I’ve got a keg of beer and a case of whi...

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A classic. No doubt you've seen it before, but here goes:

In Heaven, there is the ideal citizen of the world:

He has the MANNERS of the Englishman, and the SEX APPEAL of the Spaniard.
He has the HUMOUR of the Irishman, and the BRAIN of the German.
He has the STYLE of the Italian, and the COURAGE of the Scotsman.
He has the MUSCLES of th...

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A young married couple decides to join a church...

They attend a few introductory classes and meet with the pastor, who will decide whether they'll be approved for membership.

The pastor says, "Well, as you may have heard, we take fasting pretty seriously here. And Lent is just around the corner. I'd like to ask you to do something that may s...

The Lost Bible

One day a devout preacher lost his favorite Bible while he was at a spiritual retreat in the mountains. He was devastated, and began to lose his faith. Three weeks later, a dog walked up to him after church service, carrying the Bible in its mouth. The preacher couldn't believe his eyes.

He ...

A kayak instructor and a priest sit at the gates of heaven.

An angel says to them “sorry, but there is only room for one more person in heaven. “
He then leaves to go consult with the other angels. The priest says “it’s obviously going to be me because I’m the most spiritual.”
The angel then returns and says that the kayak instructor is going to go in....

Ghandi was a what?

So we all know how Ghandi was a wonderful person and a pioneer in the non violent protest movement. But there are some facets of his life that add up to a very rare diagnosis.

First of all, he walked everywhere barefoot which made his feet very tough.

Secondly his diet was comple...

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My girlfriend said it is okay to have a small penis

To roam the path is to become one with it.
We exist as superpositions of possibilities. We heal, we believe, we are reborn.
It can be difficult to know where to begin.

Visitor, look within and recreate yourself. How should you navigate this interstellar dreamscape? The dreamscape is cal...

Ghandi joke

As I'm sure you've heard, Gandhi, a very spiritual man, used hunger strikes and peaceful marches as tactics to bring attention to the plight of his people. Unfortunately, this had some negative effects on his health and well being. Besides overall weakness due to lack of food, persistent near starva...

A monk got a stitching job in a submarine.

The captain, after showing the basic things required for the young tailor, left to him torn fabrics and uniforms of soldiers. As part of his job, he had brought his own sewing kit and he asked to left alone while doing his work.

The monk's work was nothing less than stellar, but sometime...

A teenager walks into a pharmacy in the 70s...

He asks the druggist for a 1 pound, 3 pound, and 5 pound box of chocolate, and asks if he could gift wrap each one of them separately.

The druggist complies, but asks the boy why he wants 3 separate boxes, instead of just one?

The boy replies, “Well, you see. I’ve got a really hot dat...

The Spiritual Healer

One day a traveling religious healer came to a small town. He promised that through the power of the Lord he could cure any ailment no matter how severe.

That night the town gathered in the town square to see a huge stage with a long white curtain and a large golden cross. The healer aske...

Two monks werewere discussing humility.

"I have been praying and fasting, meditating and studying religion for 20 years. I have finally reached the level of humility. I am truly a nothing." said one monk.

The other monk nodded gravely. "I too have spent my life devoted to serving God. I am also a nothing."

At that moment a j...

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The box

A man decides to give up his 9 to 5 job and live a spiritual life at a monastery as a monk. Upon joining the monastery, the lead monk gives him a tour of the temple and the grounds. After a while, the man asks a question.

"Father, I know this is the life I want to live, but I am not sure ho...

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There is a rabbi that studied all the religions of the world. He had worked his whole life to experience them all....

He finally had studied and participated in all the world's religions, except for one. There was the small tropical island far away from civilization. This island, the Island of Trid, was populated by the local islanders, the trids. They an idyllic culture. Easy and peaceful living in harmony with th...

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A young man sees an old monk

A young man sees an old monk lovingly planting date seeds in his garden, next to his small hut.

A date palm can take almost 15-20 years before it begins to produce fruit. The young man is curious why this old monk is planting date palms.

He approaches the monk, expecting a wonderful d...

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'Sex' and 'Love' ....;)

At the retreat, a couple was told to individually write a sentence using the words 'sex' and 'love.'

The woman wrote:
When two mature people are passionately and deeply in love with one another to a high degree and they respect each other very much, just like my hubby and I, it is spirit...

An 80 year old man went for his annual check-up

and the Doctor said

"Friend, for your age, you're in the best shape I've seen."
The old fella replied, "Yep. It comes from clean living. I know for sure that I live a good, clean, spiritual life."
The Doctor ask him, "What makes you say that?" The old man replied, "If I didn't live a...

Two rabbis are at temple...

Two rabbis of great scholarly distinction are spending a quiet morning at Temple, enjoying peaceful contemplation in the near-empty building. Suddenly overwhelmed with spiritual exaltation, the first rabbi stands, and with his hands spread wide exclaimed, "Lord, I am nothing!", and with a deep brea...

Last Sunday I woke up with a sudden tooth pain.

I thought "Oh great, no dentist is open on Sunday, I'll have to wait until tomorrow to get this dealt with." But, just in case I decided to Google dentists open on Sunday in my area. Well, surprise, surprise! I get this search result that says "Pain-free Dentistry without novocaine! We'll teach yo...

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The Anticlimactic Lager (oj)

(*I just made up this joke, it takes a bit of patience but let me know if it's worth it. Either way, keep smiling!*)

Michael was a rich, eccentric and naive beer enthusiast. He journeyed around the world in search of rare lagers.

Once, on a trip to India, he came across a small bar. Be...

The pastor told the Congregation: "Spiritually, we're comatose. We all need to wake up." The worshippers' refrain went, "We're waking up, reverend, we're waking up."

"Then we need to start standing up." "We shall stand, reverend, we shall stand." "After that, we need to start walking." "We shall walk, reverend, we shall walk." "After that, we need to start running." "We shall run, reverend, we shall run." "And to run," the pastor thundered, "we shall need money....

A man goes to a Buddhist retreat

A man goes to a Buddhist retreat to get in touch with his spiritual side. While there he takes part in meditation, gardening, running and listening to music. He also notices a group of monks doing some strange things. Every day the monks would spend the morning digging holes, putting up posts, ...

Have you heard about Gandhi?

Gandhi walked around a bunch and built up giant callouses on the bottoms of his feet. He fasted a bunch which gave his bones a rather fragile brittle nature. He was a spiritual man, a mystic to many people. And he had a strange diet of green tea and white rice which gave him constant bad breath. ...

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The Cask of Amor-illado.

A man and woman are involved in a severe car accident. Although the cars are totaled, they both crawl out of the wreckage, each without a scratch. The man immediately starts swearing. “Women are the worst drivers on earth! They shouldn’t be given driver’s licenses!”

The woman sighs and point...

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The Biker and God

So God is watching this this biker as he rides in California, he was a real nasty guy in a biker gang, used to be a real bastard. Eventually he got married, had kids, left his life of crime behind him and became a really good guy. God then starts talking to him:
> So, you used to be a real bad...

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The screw and the bellybutton

So a guy I work with told us this joke on the plane, went on for full 30' which made it even funnier smh, this is a short version:

A boy is born and is perfectly normal, arms legs ears and stuff, except a tiny detail: He had a screw on his bellybutton. Parents send him to all doctors imagina...

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Three best friends become nuns

Three young women who had been best friends for their entire lives all decided to join a convent and become nuns. After going through all of the preparatory courses, the young women are ready to take their final vows.

After an elaborate and beautiful ceremony, the priest calls the young wome...

Helium walks into a bar.

Or, rather than walks, floats; for helium, at room temperature, is a gas, and thus has no legs with which to walk, and, due to its lighter-than-air nature, does not sink to the ground. The bartender himself is confused, for not only is helium invisible to the naked eye in the absence of another obje...

So, Alex had two parrots named Bob and Jim.

Alex was an older gentlemen, retired and fairly religious with lots of time on his hands. He figured it'd be fun to pass his time teaching the parrots to pray the rosary.

Alex went to his church, got a two small sets of rosary beads, gave them to Bob and Jim and got to work. After months of ...

The adventures of Farty Bart

Bart was a regular fellow, quite charming actually. But he farted often than most.


Bart has obatined that sweet sweet yes from the girl of his dream, they agreed to a date on his now girlfriend's house.


They were eating, chatting, laughing, until he had the sudden urge to fart....

Aboriginal Rituals

A couple years back, I stumbled on a surprising reference to the astonishing longevity of Aboriginal shamans living in the Australian outback. Reliable birth records aren't available before the early 20th century, but government officials have noted an astounding number of nonagenarians and centenar...

So there's this barber in a small town...

So there's this barber in a small town. One day he's sitting in his barbershop and a man walks in wearing a pair of sandals, and a long brown robe with a hood. The man sits down in the barber's chair. "Excuse me," says the barber. "I was wondering: why are you dressed like that?"
"Well," says th...

Walt Disney

Just after WWII, Walt Disney was at a loss for new subjects for his movies and decided to take his family on a tour of the world to refresh his creative spirit. Walt, ever the optimist, was undaunted and vowed to seek out an idea for a new film, even if he had to stray from his normal family-friendl...

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What happens in Vegas...

A perpetual gambler had a rare turn of luck and hit a 500k jackpot. The casino, determined to get their money back, comped him one of their best luxury suites. Lonely, he was seeking some lady company for the evening. He called down to the concierge’s desk and requested the best looking call girl in...

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Your life pursuit

Long ago in a distant land an explorer and his large team of bearers, trackers, hunters, cooks, handymen, translators and so on came upon a village of people never before known to the outside world.

Luckily the translators were able to communicate with the people and soon the explorer was tal...

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