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Demon Jokes

I'm done dating demons.

They're too possessive.

How do you turn a demon into an angel?

You scare the hell out of them.

I threw holy water at the demon and tried to banish it back to hell

My wife was furious and told me not to treat her mother like that

How do you keep demons away?

Exorcise regularly.

Where are you if a demon is forcing you to drink pee all day?

urine hell

What's a demon's favorite handwriting style?

Cursive.

Why did the demon cross the road?

The power of Christ compelled him

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A demon is checking a new arrival into Hell.

"Says here," he says, "you didn't really do anything wrong and they were willing to let you into the Other Place."

"Yes," said the dead soul. "But I said I'd rather be in Hell with my best friend than in Heaven with God!"

"Huh," says the demon. "Okay, we don't normally do requests, but...

What do you call a handicapped Spanish demon?

El Disablo

What do you call a demon clown that is good with small amounts of money?

Pennywise.

Just heard a demon was arrested......

They got him for possession..

Keyboard demon

Greg is sitting at his computer browing his favouriye website and a demon pops out from behind his keyboard and proclaims "for I am the almighty keyboard demon! here to steal all your keys" Greg jumps back out of his seat like a shot!

Taking advantage of this, the demon grabs the keyboard an...

A man loses his job and REALLY needs money.

He is walking on the sidewalk when a demon from hell appears. The demon says “I will give you $100,000, but you must give me your wife.”

The man ponders the offer for a few seconds, then says “Okay, what’s the catch?”

What happens when a cat gets possesed by a demon?

It needs to be purrified

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What do you call a Japanese spice demon?

Pepper-oni.

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A scoutmaster and his girlfriend go hiking in the woods...

They take a break in a rocky clearing with odd writing. After a while, they get frisky, and decide to play a little game called hide the sausage. They look around for people even though they’re in the middle of nowhere. It seems all clear and they go for it. Little did they know, they were in the mi...

What do Demons store human souls in?

Sufferware

What do apostrophes and demonic behavior have in common?

They're both signs of possession.

What gym equipment do demons never use?

The exorcise bike.

Ba dum tiss.

I told my husband he should fight his demons

Thats all I remember before being knocked out

A man dies one day and finds himself in Hell, much to his surprise.

The man has never sinned, he has attended church somewhat regularly and often gives to charity.

He asks at the gate if there has been a mistake to which the ferryman gives no answer.

He figures there is little hope for him, but somehow he will make the best of his situation.

He ...

Statistically speaking, active people are less likely to be demonically possessed than sedentary people.

This is one of the benefits of exorcising regularly.

What do you call a coffee drinking demon

A caffiend

How do demons get to the brothel?

Via the succu-bus.

When the demon baby appeared I ignored it for a while.

But eventually I had to address the hell infant in the room

Why do demons love apostrophes?

They show possession.

Why are there so many fat demons?

Because they hate exorcising.

What's a chubby demon's greatest fear?

Cross-Fit Exorcise

Putin dies and goes to hell.

He's met by the devil, who explains to him that he will be shown three different floors and he has to choose which one to spend eternity in.

The devil takes Putin to the first floor where everyone is standing on their heads on a wooden floor. Anytime someone started to tip or fall over, litt...

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What's the similarity between a nice bunch of flowers and a bitch-demon from hell?

One has pretty petals, the other is the British Home Secretary.

Why do demons always win in court?

Because possession is nine-tenths of the law.

What type of jackets do demons wear?

Blazers

Credit to my son for coming up with this joke.

The Genie and the Demon

Three men are out walking in the woods one day, when they stumble upon an old bronze lamp. Naturally, having spent much of their lives reading internet jokes, their first inclination is to rub the lamp and excitedly greet the genie that emerges.

"You have freed me from my near-eternal captivi...

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Satan is giving a new demon trainee a tour of Hell

Their first stop is a huge cauldron full of lava, completely surrounded by frantic demons punching, kicking, and stabbing at the occupants.

The demon asks Satan, "what's going on over there?"

Satan replies, "Oh, that's for the Jews. Boy, they're a lot of trouble. Any time one of them t...

What do you call a group of people who worship a demon?

Occult

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One time a demon showed her daughter how to use a tampon

It was an excellent demonstruation

How do you get rid of fat demons?

With a treadmill. You exercise them.

What do you call a demon who makes videos?

Demonetized.

I'm so out of shape there's no way I can out run a demon.

So I really need to start exorcising.

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Speed demon Grandma

Ethel was a bit of a demon in her wheelchair, and loved to charge around the nursing home, taking corners on one wheel and getting up to maximum speed on the long corridors. Because the poor woman was one sandwich short of a picnic the other residents tolerated her and some of them actually join...

What's a demon's favourite kind of comedy?

Satyrical

Why do demons hate fitness?

They don't like being exorcised.

How does a demon workout?

He exorcises

A three hundred year old Chinese joke

Yenluo, the king of hell, sent a demon to earth to see if there were any doctors doing good work healing people.

The demon asked, “How do I know who is a good doctor?”

King Yenluo said, “See how many ghosts there are haunting the clinic.”

The demon came to earth...

The reason there are so many demons out during lockdown

is because priests are only allowed to exorcize for 1 hour

A Vicar was preaching on the Demon Drink, saying whiskey can kill but water can’t.

To prove it he had a glass of each. He dropped a worm into the water and it wiggled about. He dropped a worm into the whiskey.

Stone dead.

A person at the back jumped up shouting, "I’ll have the whiskey Vicar! I’ve been having trouble with worms all my life”

A fiery demon, clad in sleigh bells, entered the chamber.

Gandalf immediately froze in fear. It was what he had feared since entering Moria.

With each horrific step, the bells jangled damnation.

“That’s the jingle bell,” muttered Gandalf.

Step.

“That’s the jingle bell.”

Step...

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Joe dies and goes to hell, when he is greeted by a demon at the gate..

The demon says "Sup Joe, Welcome to hell my bro! You're gonna love it here!"

Joe responds "But this is Hell, why would I love it here?

The demon replies "well do you like drinking? Yes he loves it he says. Well on mondays we drink the whole day.

Do You like getting high? Love i...

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What do you call a demonic pussy?

A succubus.

3 Nuns

Three nuns are driving home after an evening church service when suddenly a demon-like creature appears on the bonnet of their car.
The nuns are shocked and are unsure what to do!
"Quickly" says the Nun driving "Lean out the windows and say a bible verse"
So the other Nun winds down her wi...

I'd like to hire a bad guy, demon, or evil spirit

asking for a Fiend

Castro joke I got from Cuban family members

Fidel Castro dies and because he thinks he is so great he goes to heaven. Once past the gates though, Saint Peter stops him and throws him out being the the watchful eye he is. In hell, the devil meets castro and gives him a warm welcome and tells his demons to get Castro's bags and bring them to hi...

What did the demon say to the wig...

... who traded his soul to become real hair?

There will be hell, toupee.

(Made this up a while ago. Terrible joke and I'm almost sure it's been made before, but I felt obligated to share it.)

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A guy dies and finds himself in Hell. Despondent, he sits on the ground and weeps uncontrollably.

Demon: "Why so sad, my friend?"

Guy: "What do you think? I'm in hell!"

Demon: "Hell's not so bad. We actually have a lot of fun down here. You a drinkin' man?"

Guy: "Sure, I love to drink."

Demon: "Well, you're gonna love Mondays then. On Mondays, that's all we do, is dri...

A retired exorcist.

A while back I did some exorcist work with the Church and became pretty renowned for my efforts. I am known by all priest and demonkind. Only a few months into my early retirement, I got a rather strange phone call of someone asking for my assistance. His voice was deep and frantic.

Exorcist...

I saw this guy running down the road with a bunch of monsters. When I asked him what he was doing he said:

I’m exercising my demons.

How would you tell someone that you want a demon for your birthday?

Asking for a fiend

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Two nuns are driving down the road when a demon jumps on to the bonnet.

One nun says to the other ''show him your cross'', so the other one winds down the window and shouts ''get the fuck off my car asshole!''

Why dont Demons fear oxidation?

Because there's no rust for the wicked

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What do you call a demon that lives in your butt?

An ass-soul

Why don't demons steal hairpieces?

Because if they did, there'd be Hell toupee.

Did you hear about the dyslexic demon child?

He’s LIVE

I now know the truth behind my sleep paralysis demon...

...it was trying to protect me from the movie cats.

A daughter is seemingly possessed by a demon...

Her mother frantically calls their priest, requesting an exorcism. She describes the details "She has been spinning about wildly, climbing on the walls, running on the ceiling.. moving about non-stop!" The priest replies "I don't know what you want me to do. Sounds like she's already exercising plen...

As the group of people finished their demonic chanting...

they stabbed an object, lying on the table, feeding it to someone.








♫ Happy birthday to you, Happy birthday to you ♫

A woman dies and goes to the afterlife. They tell her:

\- You were a righteous woman in your life. You may go to Heaven, here is the queue.

She joins the queue, starts waiting... suddenly, she hears a horrible scream.

\- What was that? - she asks a nearby angel.

\- Well, a new soul is being converted into an angel, so they drill ho...

It’s nice to have someone in your corner,

but does mine have to be a hooded demon in a corner in my bedroom at 3 AM while I’m paralyzed?

So my bedroom was filled with a demonic aura

I called in the local exorcist. When he entered my bedroom, I told him

"Get the hell out of here"

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I'm starting a new premium subscription service that will distribute sexual content based on Japanese demons.

It shall be called Oni Fans.

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Three men consult a Ouija board to speak with a demon

The first man asks "What is your name?"

The planchette doesn't move.

Thinking the demon must not like the first man, the second man also asks "What is your name?"

The planchette refuses to move. However, a faint growling echoes from behind them.

After an uncomfortable fe...

What should you do if there's a glutenous demon within you?

Exercise.

Here's a Twofer

What do you do when your demon gets fat?

You exorcise him.



What happens if you don't pay your exorcist?

You get repossessed.

During his sermon, he swore he was a servant of God and not a mischievous little demon from Hell

But I knew he was an imp pastor

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A man who abuses women goes to hell.

When he gets there, there's a row of giant demons with 18 inch dicks. A voice says "please proceed forward. Stop at every demon. When you get to the end you will be judged." So he goes to the first demon who proceeds to fuck him in the ass. The demon punches him in the face when it's over. He proce...

What is the Reverse Excorcism?

It is when the demon banishes the priest out of the non-minor victim.

This is for Robin Williams

A man goes to see a doctor. Doctor asks what seems to be the trouble. The man says, "Doc, I'm depressed. Simply, I can't sleep sometimes, I can't eat, I feel down and irritable most days. I just can't feel 'happy.'"

The Doctor says, "I've got the perfect fix for you. In town tonight is the g...

Which demon is the average YouTuber most afraid of?

Demonetization.

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A man dies and goes to hell.

Upon getting there, he's greeted by a demon:

"Hello, welcome to Hell. You pick a country's torture room to spend the eternity inside."

The man walks down a road-like hall and sees many hellish rooms: Japan's torture room was a high-tech furnace-like room maintaned by several demons, Au...

A politician running for office was asked about his policy on liquor.

He answered, “If you mean the demon drink that poisons the body, ruins the mind, destroys the family, and creates criminals, then I’m against it!

But if you mean the beautiful drink used for a wedding toast, the foundation of a fun Friday night and the biggest source of tax revenue to fund ne...

Last night I saw a demon eating the bottom of my shoe.

When I asked him why he looked at me saying, "I am eating your sole"

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A man dies and goes to hell...

When he walks through the gate he is greeted by a demon. "Hi Steve. Welcome to hell. Since you were only an occasional sinner, you will be allowed to choose your eternal punishment"

The Demon leads him down a dark street. "This is your first option." he says. Steve sees a man being pecked to ...

I stretch daily to squeeze the demons out of my blood.

It's the only way I know how to exorcise.

An old Chinese story

A village was terrorized by a demon. The demon attacked people, ate their livestock, trampled their fields, screamed when they tried to sleep, blew out their lights, pinched their babies, threw their dinners on the floor, broke bowls, intentionally sang off key, and was a real nuisance. The villager...

What do you call it when two unspeakably awful demons compete to see which is the most evil?

The 2016 election.

Jazz club

A demon walks into a jazz club and someone walks up to him and asks, “why aren’t you at a black metal concert?” To which the demon answers, “why would I? No one likes religious music”

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An engineer dies and goes to hell...

He is welcomed by his orientation demon, who shows him around and explains how things work. The engineer notices that a lot of things aren't working and are in dire need of fixing. The air conditioning is busted, the network is overloaded, there's power shortages everywhere, everything is overheatin...

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Two nuns driving back to the convent late one night in their Mini...

...All of a sudden a demon leaps onto the hood of the car, The first nun shouts to the second. 'Quick sister, show him your cross!' The second nun winds down the window and screams 'GET OFF THE FUCKING CAR!!'

Why do demons and ghouls hang out together?

Because demons are a ghoul's best friend.

What did the demonic junkie get charged with?

Two counts of possession

PlayStation has announced a new line of shoes for gamers.

Thier first pair will be called Demon Soles.

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a man is sent to hell

And then a demon asks him what kind of punishment he wants. The man walks past a guy getting his dick sucked by a beautiful woman. And asked the demon. Can it be this one the demon said okay and told the woman to get out I found someone to replace you

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A man dies and goes to Hell.

In Hell, a demon welcomes him:

-Hey man, welcome to Hell, we got a pretty easy system here, we have three doors and you have to choose one room to spend eternity.

-Sounds good, says the man.

They approach the three doors on a hallway, the demon half opens one and tell the man ...

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A guy dies and suddenly finds himself in Hell...

He trepidatiously follows the crowd towards the Gates of Hell. He finds a demon holding a piece of cardboard with his name on it.

"Craig?," asks the demon as the man approaches.

"Y... yes," answers Craig, unsure of how to handle the situation.

"Hi. I'm Ed. I know what you're thi...

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The dark presence of the knight in black armor terrified the patrons of the inn. And he was sulking at the bar, clearly worried as he down the pint of ale.

He towered over the others who were also in the inn's bar, his armor covered in jagged spikes that were as lethal as the man-sized swords that hung from his back. His eyes glowed blood-red and a sickening black miasma poured through the small cracks in the plate armor. He even had a large pair of ho...

A pious woman was possessed by a demon

She went to her priest, desperate to relieve herself of this burden. After a few silent rituals, she was rid of the demon. As she was exiting though, the priest extended his hand, signifying he was due payment. The woman replied, "Oh, but father, I have no money!"

She was repossessed.

"Social credit system , censorship of any info that does not fit their narrative , Demonization of people with wrong think " You know who I am talking about.

Reddit

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What’s the difference between Rengoku and a condom?

One’s a demon slayer, the other’s a semen delayer

I was at the supermarket the other day...

I was at the supermarket the other day, buying dog food. As I was standing in line for the cash register, there was a lady behind me asking me if I had a dog (beacuse why else would I be buying dog food, right?!) Anyway, my inner demon woke up, so I told the lady that I don't have a dog, but that I ...

What do you call a trans demon?

An Evil Trap.

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