I threw holy water at the demon and tried to banish it back to hell

My wife was furious and told me not to treat her mother like that

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Shaggy and the gang are out there trying to discredit demons all while hanging out with a talking dog.

My dudes— that IS a demon!

What do apostrophes and demonic behavior have in common?

They're both signs of possession.

Why did the demon cross the road?

The power of Christ compelled him

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A scoutmaster and his girlfriend go hiking in the woods...

They take a break in a rocky clearing with odd writing. After a while, they get frisky, and decide to play a little game called hide the sausage. They look around for people even though they’re in the middle of nowhere. It seems all clear and they go for it. Little did they know, they were in the mi...

I'm done dating demons.

They're too possessive.

What do Demons store human souls in?

Sufferware

Why are demons fat.

Because they hate exorcising.

A Vicar was preaching on the Demon Drink, saying whiskey can kill but water can’t.

To prove it he had a glass of each. He dropped a worm into the water and it wiggled about. He dropped a worm into the whiskey.

Stone dead.

A person at the back jumped up shouting, "I’ll have the whiskey Vicar! I’ve been having trouble with worms all my life”

Ethel was a bit of a demon in her wheelchair and loved to charge around the nursing home, taking corners on one wheel and getting up to maximum speed on the long corridors...

Because the poor woman was one sandwich short of a picnic, the other
residents tolerated her and some of the males actually joined in.

One day, Ethel was speeding up one corridor when a door opened and
Kooky Kevin stepped out with his arm outstretched.

"STOP!" he shouted in a fi...

What do you call a demonic tree?

Treevil

How would you tell someone that you want a demon for your birthday?

Asking for a fiend

I'm so out of shape there's no way I can out run a demon.

So I really need to start exorcising.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two nuns driving back to the convent late one night in their Mini...

...All of a sudden a demon leaps onto the hood of the car, The first nun shouts to the second. 'Quick sister, show him your cross!' The second nun winds down the window and screams 'GET OFF THE FUCKING CAR!!'

I now know the truth behind my sleep paralysis demon...

...it was trying to protect me from the movie cats.

How do you get rid of fat demons?

With a treadmill. You exercise them.

Did you hear about the demon that got arrested?

He was charged with possession.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two Scotsmen go to Hell

[I know this joke has been shared a few times before but I thought I would share my Scottish cultural adaptation of it]

A demon approaches the devil and says "Dark lord! Two men from Glasgow in Scotland have been sent here. What should be done with them?"

The devil says "Glaswegians? T...

A demon caught three men, an American, an Indian, and a Brit.

The demon said that he is going to eat them. But being in good mood he gave them chance to escape death and go home, should they pass his test: survive three strikes of his whip. He also said that they can wish for any one thing to protect themselves against the whip.

The American gone first....

"Social credit system , censorship of any info that does not fit their narrative , Demonization of people with wrong think " You know who I am talking about.

Reddit

Why do demons avoid nuns’ clothing?

They’re repelled by force of habit.

What's a demon's favourite kind of comedy?

Satyrical

What streaming service do evil demonic squids watch tv on?

Cthulu

What do you call a handicapped Spanish demon?

El Disablo

Why do demons always win in court?

Because possession is nine-tenths of the law.

Told my girl to fight her demons and she took a swing at me.

Hol up

What do you call a demon clown that is good with small amounts of money?

Pennywise.

What happens when a cat gets possesed by a demon?

It needs to be purrified

Did you hear about the dyslexic demon child?

He’s LIVE

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Since we're doing favourites, here's mine:

Three men are walking along a beach when they come across a lamp buried in the sand. They pull it out and dust it off and out pops a genie.

"For giving me my freedom, I shall grant each of you three wishes," he declares.

The first guy says, "I wish for a billion dollars!" Poof, his b...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The Transreligious Dinner Party

Six people are planning a dinner party: a Jew, a Christian, a Muslim, a Pagan, a Hindu, and an Atheist. The Atheist suggests pork chops as the main course. The Jew says, “No, we can’t have pork, YHWH strictly forbids the consumption of pork.”

The Christian says in response, “No He doesn’t! Je...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call a Japanese spice demon?

Pepper-oni.

Demon: I saved someone from getting murdered today.

Lucifer: Wait, you saved someone? how?
Demon: Self-Control.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Three men consult a Ouija board to speak with a demon

The first man asks "What is your name?"

The planchette doesn't move.

Thinking the demon must not like the first man, the second man also asks "What is your name?"

The planchette refuses to move. However, a faint growling echoes from behind them.

After an uncomfortable fe...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Joe dies and goes to hell, when he is greeted by a demon at the gate..

The demon says "Sup Joe, Welcome to hell my bro! You're gonna love it here!"

Joe responds "But this is Hell, why would I love it here?

The demon replies "well do you like drinking? Yes he loves it he says. Well on mondays we drink the whole day.

Do You like getting high? Love i...

Why don't demons steal hairpieces?

Because if they did, there'd be Hell toupee.

Why do demons hate fitness?

They don't like being exorcised.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Joffrey was a huge dick in life, so when he died he went to hell.

When he got there he was greeted by Satan himself.

"Welcome to hell." said the Devil. "You were a pretty big dick up there, so you will be spending eternity down here. I will, however, let you choose how you spend that eternity. Follow me."

He led Joffrey to a long corridor with window...

What happened to the occultist YouTuber?

His account was demon-itized.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Different sayings same thing

1. Having a threesome with a couple of no-shows.

2. DJ the VJ.

3. Dopamine farming.

4. Double clicking your mouse.

 5. Badgering the witness.

6. Summoning the semen demon.

7. Blood bending.

8. Shaking hands with the unemployed.

9. Making Jesus ...

So my bedroom was filled with a demonic aura

I called in the local exorcist. When he entered my bedroom, I told him

"Get the hell out of here"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Three guys getting drunk in a graveyard

So three guy were drinking in a graveyard when a demon came to them and said “how dare you invade my domain and disturb me in this hour!” One of the guys said “we’re so sorry it’s just that bars are getting expensive and it’s quiet in here away from our wives and kids”
The demon felt sorry for th...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A notorious loan shark is driving drunk one night...

As he's speeding down some curvy mountain roads, the shark loses control of the vehicle and crashes head-on into a tree.

When he comes to, the man finds himself lying on a sofa in a fairly modest looking waiting room. Dizzy, he looks around and sees what appears to be a reception desk at the ...

Never eat the slaw at a demonic lawyer's picnic.

Possession is 9/10 of the slaw.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man shows up in Hell

Satan himself is there to meet him. He asks tells the man he is going to give him a choice between three eternities.


The first eternity, every sinner there is standing on their head on broken glass, forever being sliced open and bled out.


The second eternity, every sinner is...

What type of jackets do demons wear?

Blazers

Credit to my son for coming up with this joke.

What did the demon say to the wig...

... who traded his soul to become real hair?

There will be hell, toupee.

(Made this up a while ago. Terrible joke and I'm almost sure it's been made before, but I felt obligated to share it.)

During his sermon, he swore he was a servant of God and not a mischievous little demon from Hell

But I knew he was an imp pastor

A fiery demon, clad in sleigh bells, entered the chamber.

Gandalf immediately froze in fear. It was what he had feared since entering Moria.

With each horrific step, the bells jangled damnation.

“That’s the jingle bell,” muttered Gandalf.

Step.

“That’s the jingle bell.”

Step...

The Genie and the Demon

Three men are out walking in the woods one day, when they stumble upon an old bronze lamp. Naturally, having spent much of their lives reading internet jokes, their first inclination is to rub the lamp and excitedly greet the genie that emerges.

"You have freed me from my near-eternal captivi...

As the group of people finished their demonic chanting...

they stabbed an object, lying on the table, feeding it to someone.








♫ Happy birthday to you, Happy birthday to you ♫

A man loses his job and REALLY needs money.

He is walking on the sidewalk when a demon from hell appears. The demon says “I will give you $100,000, but you must give me your wife.”

The man ponders the offer for a few seconds, then says “Okay, what’s the catch?”

How does a demon workout?

He exorcises

How does a demon take business calls?

On his HellPhone

How do you change wine to urine and lemons to demons?

Cursive

Why are there no demons in Africa?

Cause someone already blessed the rains down there.

What do you call it when two unspeakably awful demons compete to see which is the most evil?

The 2016 election.

What's reverse exorcism?

When a demon commands a priest to leave the body of a child

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Christian Priest arrives at the gates of Hell

"How'd you die?" asked a demon.
The priest replied, "I had a heart attack."
D: Well what happened?
P: Someone broke my windows, popped the tire on my Harley, and stole all my tools out of my shed.
D: Well that'd give anyone a heart attack. But you're a priest! Why are you in hell...

Why do demons love apostrophes?

They show possession.

What do you do to get rid of an obese demon?

You exorcise him.

A guy dies and goes straight to hell.

A guy dies and goes straight to hell. He is greeted there by Satan - who says "Hey! Cheer up! Hell is not so bad - we give you choices!"

He points to three doors and says "You get to pick one - and you get to peek behind the door before you choose." So he opens the first door and there is a ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call a demon that lives in your butt?

An ass-soul

What should you do if there's a glutenous demon within you?

Exercise.

A daughter is seemingly possessed by a demon...

Her mother frantically calls their priest, requesting an exorcism. She describes the details "She has been spinning about wildly, climbing on the walls, running on the ceiling.. moving about non-stop!" The priest replies "I don't know what you want me to do. Sounds like she's already exercising plen...

Which demon is the average YouTuber most afraid of?

Demonetization.

I stretch daily to squeeze the demons out of my blood.

It's the only way I know how to exorcise.

If your relationship is an on and off relationship...

..it’s just the demon’s kid playing with the switches.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An old joke popular with engineers and other neckbeards

A man dies and surprise! he finds himself in the sky and surrounded by clouds and in front of an old man who asks, ”Heaven or Hell?”

Guy goes, "what kind of question is that?" and the old man sighs and goes, “oh another one. Well allow me to show you and then you can make your decision ...

Why dont Demons fear oxidation?

Because there's no rust for the wicked

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you get when you combine two Japanese demons?

A two-eyed onion.

There was a panic in the ICU today...

One of the patients stuck in bed was seen floating today. His nurse was freaking out because of a demonic possession. She calls the man’s family and a priest. Nobody can figure out what is going on just yet. I laugh to myself, knowing I replaced Mr. Johnson’s oxygen with helium

Three punishments in hell

John after death was led to hell. The devil announced that they would lead the sinner to see three different punishments and had to choose one. The first room, the criminal was tortured in an oil cauldron. The second room, the sinner was burned on a blazing fire. Too scared, he asked to go to the la...

Have you heard of the Irish exorcism that happened recently?

The demon had to pull the priest out of the little boy.

A gamer dies and goes to hell...

After one week, the devil goes to God:

\- God?! What crazy person have you send me here? He destroyed all the cauldrons, killed all demons, running like crazy everywhere and yelling: "Where is the exit to LEVEL 2!!!"

Ole and Sven go to Hell

Ole and Sven, ignoring the -60 degree windchill warnings, froze to death while ice fishing in northern Minnesota and descend to Hell.

Coming to check on his new arrivals from up North, Satan is surprised to find Ole and Sven enjoying themselves, finally removing coats and hats that they've ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man who abuses women goes to hell.

When he gets there, there's a row of giant demons with 18 inch dicks. A voice says "please proceed forward. Stop at every demon. When you get to the end you will be judged." So he goes to the first demon who proceeds to fuck him in the ass. The demon punches him in the face when it's over. He proce...

A man dies and finds himself in an elevator

He did expect a light at the end of the tunnel and all that, but he decides to see where things are going. Pretty soon, the destination of his elevator-ride is showing up on the display: "Hell"

"Well", the man thinks, "I've had a good life. Fair's fair I guess."

The elevator opens an...

Why do demons and ghouls hang out together?

Because demons are a ghoul's best friend.

War joke for the lads

A man went to a church for confession he said to the preist, father I have sinned I have committed Aldulturey, the preist replied with everyone has their demons please tell me what happened, the man said a german girl who asked for shelter from the war came to me and I allowed although I was confuse...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Day 1443 without sex.....

My sleep paralysis demon looked hot today.

Two orphan children are on the run after stealing a big basket of tangerines from the store

They run into the cemetery to hide, but drop two at the gate
Child 1: It's fine! We have plenty more in the basket. Hurry! We must hide!


They find a bush to take cover and begin counting out the tangerines...
"One for me, one for you, one for me, one for you"


They...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An engineer dies and goes to hell...

He is welcomed by his orientation demon, who shows him around and explains how things work. The engineer notices that a lot of things aren't working and are in dire need of fixing. The air conditioning is busted, the network is overloaded, there's power shortages everywhere, everything is overheatin...

Once upon a time there was a girl,

this girl had the ability to heal others any other living thing imaginable. One day a very injured demon came into her door and out of the kindness of her heart she healed him. The demon rose up and thanked her while he girl outstretched her hand to shake it, as was customary. But alas the demon fle...

What do you call a trans demon?

An Evil Trap.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A British sinner goes to hell

He arrives at the gates of hell and since He's the worst sinner of all time, The Devil comes to recieve him himself. The Devil then starts walking him into a huge building and tells him that sinners don't get to choose as to the kind of punishment they will recieve but the British guy being the wor...

A pious woman was possessed by a demon

She went to her priest, desperate to relieve herself of this burden. After a few silent rituals, she was rid of the demon. As she was exiting though, the priest extended his hand, signifying he was due payment. The woman replied, "Oh, but father, I have no money!"

She was repossessed.

What did the demonic junkie get charged with?

Two counts of possession

An EA developer dies and gets do decide if wheather he wants to go to heaven or to hell.

First, he checks out heaven and sees that it's pretty standard stuff, angels, clouds, peace, but nothing really interesting.

Then he checks out hell. Really cool parties going on all over the place, infinite amount of drinks and drugs, beautiful women everywhere.

Obviously, he chooses ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man dies and goes to hell.

Once in hell hes greeted by the devil. "While in hell you can choose one of three rooms to be tortured in for all of eternity. You may only choose once." They go to the first room and theres a group of people standing on their heads on a hard wooden floor being whipped by demons. They go to the seco...

A communist dies and goes to heaven.

He was an honest man, albiet an atheist, so God and the Devil decide to rotate him between Heaven and Hell each year. One year passes, and Satan returns him to God. "Take him, please! He turned all my young demons into Young Pioneers!" God accepted and he was sent to Heaven.

Satan returns a y...

Four politicians die in a car accident and they find themselves standing in front of St Peter who says he will give them the tour of heaven and hell and they can decide where they want to stay for all eternity...

Heaven is all people with halo's playing harps on clouds, singing, praying and generally praising God.

Then, a demon appears and takes them down to have a look at hell.

In hell, they meet all their old friends playing golf! They play a round, walk up to the 19th for champagne, fine win...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Going to Hell [Long]

The evil man arrived in Hell and was immediately greeted by his Eternal Assignment Demon. They walked down a dank hallway until they came upon a door. “This is your first option of three for you to serve your eternal damnation. Behold.” The EAD slides the hatch on the door and the evil man (let’s ca...

This is for Robin Williams

A man goes to see a doctor. Doctor asks what seems to be the trouble. The man says, "Doc, I'm depressed. Simply, I can't sleep sometimes, I can't eat, I feel down and irritable most days. I just can't feel 'happy.'"

The Doctor says, "I've got the perfect fix for you. In town tonight is the g...

No wonder Latin is a dead language

They kept summoning demons

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A warlock, a cleric, and a sorcerer walk into a bar.

They order a few too many drinks and all begin boasting about their magic abilities, arguing over whose are better. Unable to agree who is the strongest, they decide that the best way to settle it is to have a contest.


Whoever can get them kicked out of the bar wins.


The warlo...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A farmer had a very horny rooster

He fucked all the hens yard till they died. That also didn't satisfied him. So he fucked all the ducks till death. Then all the emu's till death. Then he turned to mammals. That horny rooster killed all the cows and Buffalo's.

The farmer was very troubled due to that roosters behavior. One da...

A man was sent to Hell for his sins.

As he was being taken to his place of eternal torment, he passed a room where a lawyer was having an intimate conversation with a beautiful woman.

"What a rip-off," the man muttered. "I have to roast for all eternity, and that lawyer spends it with that gorgeous woman."

Jabbing the man...

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.