I'm done dating demons.

They're too possessive.

I threw holy water at the demon and tried to banish it back to hell

My wife was furious and told me not to treat her mother like that

Why did the demon cross the road?

The power of Christ compelled him

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What's the similarity between a nice bunch of flowers and a bitch-demon from hell?

One has pretty petals, the other is the British Home Secretary.

How do you keep demons away?

Exorcise regularly.

Statistically speaking, active people are less likely to be demonically possessed than sedentary people.

This is one of the benefits of exorcising regularly.

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What do you call a Japanese spice demon?

Pepper-oni.

Where are you if a demon is forcing you to drink pee all day?

urine hell

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Shaggy and the gang are out there trying to discredit demons all while hanging out with a talking dog.

My dudes— that IS a demon!

What do apostrophes and demonic behavior have in common?

They're both signs of possession.

What do you call an anti-demon workout?

An exercism.

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What do you call a spicy pizza haunted by Japanese demons?

A pepper oni pizza

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Speed demon Grandma

Ethel was a bit of a demon in her wheelchair, and loved to charge around the nursing home, taking corners on one wheel and getting up to maximum speed on the long corridors. Because the poor woman was one sandwich short of a picnic the other residents tolerated her and some of them actually join...

What do you call a coffee drinking demon

A caffiend

3 Nuns

Three nuns are driving home after an evening church service when suddenly a demon-like creature appears on the bonnet of their car.
The nuns are shocked and are unsure what to do!
"Quickly" says the Nun driving "Lean out the windows and say a bible verse"
So the other Nun winds down her wi...

When the demon baby appeared I ignored it for a while.

But eventually I had to address the hell infant in the room

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John, Paul and Frank go to heaven

When they arrive at the gate, St. Peter checks the list and tells them a bit about heaven: "It's a great place. The fountains are full of the best wine, we have the best food that appears when you think of it. Your housing will be the most beautiful and luxurious villa you couldn't even dream of on ...

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One time a demon showed her daughter how to use a tampon

It was an excellent demonstruation

What do Demons store human souls in?

Sufferware

How do demons get to the brothel?

Via the succu-bus.

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An Old Joke

The year is 2120, and our story follows Joe McFlinch and his journey to overcome his inner demons. 'Who is Joe?', you may be wondering. Well, Joe is a cowardly 29 year old male. He has no special talents or skills, no hobbies, and most sadly, no friends. If I were to describe him as a dish, he would...

What's a chubby demon's greatest fear?

Cross-Fit Exorcise

What do you call a group of people who worship a demon?

Occult

Why did Satan build a gym in Hell?

To exercise the demons

The reason there are so many demons out during lockdown

is because priests are only allowed to exorcize for 1 hour

What do you call a tasty Mexican demon dog served in a restaurant?

A chalupacabra.

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a man is sent to hell

And then a demon asks him what kind of punishment he wants. The man walks past a guy getting his dick sucked by a beautiful woman. And asked the demon. Can it be this one the demon said okay and told the woman to get out I found someone to replace you

My rich cousin's hummer-porschaghini (Long)

So I have this cousin who is absolutely loaded and he had this idea he would pay the best mechanic around to build him custom car.

He wanted the body of a Lamborghini, with the engine of a Porsche, and all the amazing features of an original hummer. He decided to call it the Hummer-porschagh...

Why are demons fat.

Because they hate exorcising.

A Vicar was preaching on the Demon Drink, saying whiskey can kill but water can’t.

To prove it he had a glass of each. He dropped a worm into the water and it wiggled about. He dropped a worm into the whiskey.

Stone dead.

A person at the back jumped up shouting, "I’ll have the whiskey Vicar! I’ve been having trouble with worms all my life”

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A guy dies and suddenly finds himself in Hell...

He trepidatiously follows the crowd towards the Gates of Hell. He finds a demon holding a piece of cardboard with his name on it.

"Craig?," asks the demon as the man approaches.

"Y... yes," answers Craig, unsure of how to handle the situation.

"Hi. I'm Ed. I know what you're thi...

I'm so out of shape there's no way I can out run a demon.

So I really need to start exorcising.

What do you call a demon clown that is good with small amounts of money?

Pennywise.

What's reverse exorcism?

When a demon commands a priest to leave the body of a child

How do demons draft their contracts?

They use paralegals

How would you tell someone that you want a demon for your birthday?

Asking for a fiend

How do you get rid of fat demons?

With a treadmill. You exercise them.

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A scoutmaster and his girlfriend go hiking in the woods...

They take a break in a rocky clearing with odd writing. After a while, they get frisky, and decide to play a little game called hide the sausage. They look around for people even though they’re in the middle of nowhere. It seems all clear and they go for it. Little did they know, they were in the mi...

What do you call a demonic tree?

Treevil

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Two nuns travelling in a car in the middle of nowhere

A demon jumps on the bonnet, one nun said "show it your cross!" The other nun sticks her head out the window and shouts "GET OFF MY FUCKING CAR!"

What do you call a handicapped Spanish demon?

El Disablo

What's a demon's favourite kind of comedy?

Satyrical

Why do demons avoid nuns’ clothing?

They’re repelled by force of habit.

Where does Satan shop for luxury items?

Demon Marcus.

I am so terribly sorry.

What happens when a cat gets possesed by a demon?

It needs to be purrified

Why do demons always win in court?

Because possession is nine-tenths of the law.

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Two nuns driving back to the convent late one night in their Mini...

...All of a sudden a demon leaps onto the hood of the car, The first nun shouts to the second. 'Quick sister, show him your cross!' The second nun winds down the window and screams 'GET OFF THE FUCKING CAR!!'

Why do demons love apostrophes?

They show possession.

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Three men consult a Ouija board to speak with a demon

The first man asks "What is your name?"

The planchette doesn't move.

Thinking the demon must not like the first man, the second man also asks "What is your name?"

The planchette refuses to move. However, a faint growling echoes from behind them.

After an uncomfortable fe...

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Joe dies and goes to hell, when he is greeted by a demon at the gate..

The demon says "Sup Joe, Welcome to hell my bro! You're gonna love it here!"

Joe responds "But this is Hell, why would I love it here?

The demon replies "well do you like drinking? Yes he loves it he says. Well on mondays we drink the whole day.

Do You like getting high? Love i...

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What do you call a demon that lives in your butt?

An ass-soul

What was the demon arrested for?

Possession

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A man goes to hell

.. and is met by Lucifer at the Hell's Gates. Lucifer asks the man whether he wants to go to the Regular Hell or try the Student Hell. The man replies, "*Naah, I've had enough of that shit when I was a student, send me to the Regular Hell*". So he is sent to the Regular Hell. It looks okay and is mo...

I now know the truth behind my sleep paralysis demon...

...it was trying to protect me from the movie cats.

Freud, Darwin and the Pope walked into a bar.

Sitting on the counter is a weird, creepy statue. As they walk in, it's eyes seem to follow them.
They approach the bar, and to their shock the statue speaks. "Enjoy your beverages, mortals."

The three are stunned for a moment.
Darwin recovers first.
"This obviously is a product of ...

What type of jackets do demons wear?

Blazers

Credit to my son for coming up with this joke.

What did the demon say to the wig...

... who traded his soul to become real hair?

There will be hell, toupee.

(Made this up a while ago. Terrible joke and I'm almost sure it's been made before, but I felt obligated to share it.)

What do you call a demon who makes videos?

Demonetized.

A fiery demon, clad in sleigh bells, entered the chamber.

Gandalf immediately froze in fear. It was what he had feared since entering Moria.

With each horrific step, the bells jangled damnation.

“That’s the jingle bell,” muttered Gandalf.

Step.

“That’s the jingle bell.”

Step...

"Social credit system , censorship of any info that does not fit their narrative , Demonization of people with wrong think " You know who I am talking about.

Reddit

Never eat the slaw at a demonic lawyer's picnic.

Possession is 9/10 of the slaw.

As the group of people finished their demonic chanting...

they stabbed an object, lying on the table, feeding it to someone.








♫ Happy birthday to you, Happy birthday to you ♫

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Best place to spend a life in hell...

So, a man dies and goes to Hell. When he arrives he is greeted and shown around by a member of Hell’s HR department. He is told that he had three options as to where he will spent eternity.

The HR demon opens up door number one and the room is filled with people standing on their heads on a w...

During his sermon, he swore he was a servant of God and not a mischievous little demon from Hell

But I knew he was an imp pastor

What do you call it when two unspeakably awful demons compete to see which is the most evil?

The 2016 election.

How do you change wine to urine and lemons to demons?

Cursive

A man loses his job and REALLY needs money.

He is walking on the sidewalk when a demon from hell appears. The demon says “I will give you $100,000, but you must give me your wife.”

The man ponders the offer for a few seconds, then says “Okay, what’s the catch?”

What do you do to get rid of an obese demon?

You exorcise him.

A daughter is seemingly possessed by a demon...

Her mother frantically calls their priest, requesting an exorcism. She describes the details "She has been spinning about wildly, climbing on the walls, running on the ceiling.. moving about non-stop!" The priest replies "I don't know what you want me to do. Sounds like she's already exercising plen...

The Genie and the Demon

Three men are out walking in the woods one day, when they stumble upon an old bronze lamp. Naturally, having spent much of their lives reading internet jokes, their first inclination is to rub the lamp and excitedly greet the genie that emerges.

"You have freed me from my near-eternal captivi...

Why do demons hate fitness?

They don't like being exorcised.

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A man dies and goes to hell

The man is greeted by a demon when he arrives. He asks “where’s all the fire and brimstone and Torture devices?”

“Oh no no no, that’s all just mythology! We don’t do any of that down here in Hell! Let me walk you through the schedule. Do you like to eat?”

“Yeah! I love a good meal!” S...

So my bedroom was filled with a demonic aura

I called in the local exorcist. When he entered my bedroom, I told him

"Get the hell out of here"

How does a demon workout?

He exorcises

Can you go to jail for this?

A demon enters a woman's body. During this time it makes her do horrible things. She commits multiple crimes.
A priest is finally able to free her of this demon, but legally she is still held accountable for all of her crimes.

She goes to prison and one of inmate says "I'm in for theft; ...

Why are there no demons in Africa?

Cause someone already blessed the rains down there.

Why dont Demons fear oxidation?

Because there's no rust for the wicked

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Two Scotsmen go to Hell

[I know this joke has been shared a few times before but I thought I would share my Scottish cultural adaptation of it]

A demon approaches the devil and says "Dark lord! Two men from Glasgow in Scotland have been sent here. What should be done with them?"

The devil says "Glaswegians? T...

Why don't demons steal hairpieces?

Because if they did, there'd be Hell toupee.

What should you do if there's a glutenous demon within you?

Exercise.

I stretch daily to squeeze the demons out of my blood.

It's the only way I know how to exorcise.

A Brazilian Man just died and went to hell

Satan looks at the man and says: “You’re not in hell just yet. Because you’re from Brazil, I’m going to let you choose a hell of your own desires.”

The Brazilian Man said: “I hate Brazil. Let’s try the American Hell.”

He went to the American Hell, was stabbed by 2 Pitch Forks by demon...

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Since we're doing favourites, here's mine:

Three men are walking along a beach when they come across a lamp buried in the sand. They pull it out and dust it off and out pops a genie.

"For giving me my freedom, I shall grant each of you three wishes," he declares.

The first guy says, "I wish for a billion dollars!" Poof, his b...

Jazz club

A demon walks into a jazz club and someone walks up to him and asks, “why aren’t you at a black metal concert?” To which the demon answers, “why would I? No one likes religious music”

Which demon is the average YouTuber most afraid of?

Demonetization.

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What do you get when you combine two Japanese demons?

A two-eyed onion.

Why do demons and ghouls hang out together?

Because demons are a ghoul's best friend.

I bought a book

I bought a book entitled "an exorcist explains the demonic".

I don't know what possessed me !

Ever heard of the priest who moonlights as a fitness instructor?

He exercises demons.

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Different sayings same thing

1. Having a threesome with a couple of no-shows.

2. DJ the VJ.

3. Dopamine farming.

4. Double clicking your mouse.

 5. Badgering the witness.

6. Summoning the semen demon.

7. Blood bending.

8. Shaking hands with the unemployed.

9. Making Jesus ...

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The Transreligious Dinner Party

Six people are planning a dinner party: a Jew, a Christian, a Muslim, a Pagan, a Hindu, and an Atheist. The Atheist suggests pork chops as the main course. The Jew says, “No, we can’t have pork, YHWH strictly forbids the consumption of pork.”

The Christian says in response, “No He doesn’t! Je...

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A notorious loan shark is driving drunk one night...

As he's speeding down some curvy mountain roads, the shark loses control of the vehicle and crashes head-on into a tree.

When he comes to, the man finds himself lying on a sofa in a fairly modest looking waiting room. Dizzy, he looks around and sees what appears to be a reception desk at the ...

A pious woman was possessed by a demon

She went to her priest, desperate to relieve herself of this burden. After a few silent rituals, she was rid of the demon. As she was exiting though, the priest extended his hand, signifying he was due payment. The woman replied, "Oh, but father, I have no money!"

She was repossessed.

What did the demonic junkie get charged with?

Two counts of possession

What do you call a trans demon?

An Evil Trap.

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