I threw holy water at the demon and tried to banish it back to hell

My wife was furious and told me not to treat her mother like that

I'm done dating demons.

They're too possessive.

Did you guys hear that Bob Ross once has a demon possessed paint brush?

It was a really hard time for him until he beat the Devil out of it.

What do apostrophes and demonic behavior have in common?

They're both signs of possession.

Why did the demon cross the road?

The power of Christ compelled him

What do you call a tasty Mexican demon dog served in a restaurant?

A chalupacabra.

I made some demon cookies for my friends

They were imp pressed.

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One time a demon showed her daughter how to use a tampon

It was an excellent demonstruation

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I'm starting a new premium subscription service that will distribute sexual content based on Japanese demons.

It shall be called Oni Fans.

What do Demons store human souls in?

Sufferware

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Shaggy and the gang are out there trying to discredit demons all while hanging out with a talking dog.

My dudes— that IS a demon!

Ethel was a bit of a demon in her wheelchair,

and loved to charge around the nursing home, taking corners on one wheel and getting up to maximum speed on the long corridors. Because the poor woman was one sandwich short of a picnic, the other residents tolerated her, and some of the males actually joined in.

One day, Ethel was speeding ...

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A scoutmaster and his girlfriend go hiking in the woods...

They take a break in a rocky clearing with odd writing. After a while, they get frisky, and decide to play a little game called hide the sausage. They look around for people even though they’re in the middle of nowhere. It seems all clear and they go for it. Little did they know, they were in the mi...

I'm so out of shape there's no way I can out run a demon.

So I really need to start exorcising.

Why are demons fat.

Because they hate exorcising.

A Vicar was preaching on the Demon Drink, saying whiskey can kill but water can’t.

To prove it he had a glass of each. He dropped a worm into the water and it wiggled about. He dropped a worm into the whiskey.

Stone dead.

A person at the back jumped up shouting, "I’ll have the whiskey Vicar! I’ve been having trouble with worms all my life”

What do you call a demonic tree?

Treevil

I'd like to hire a bad guy, demon, or evil spirit

asking for a Fiend

How would you tell someone that you want a demon for your birthday?

Asking for a fiend

I bought a book

I bought a book entitled "an exorcist explains the demonic".

I don't know what possessed me !

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Two nuns driving back to the convent late one night in their Mini...

...All of a sudden a demon leaps onto the hood of the car, The first nun shouts to the second. 'Quick sister, show him your cross!' The second nun winds down the window and screams 'GET OFF THE FUCKING CAR!!'

Can you go to jail for this?

A demon enters a woman's body. During this time it makes her do horrible things. She commits multiple crimes.
A priest is finally able to free her of this demon, but legally she is still held accountable for all of her crimes.

She goes to prison and one of inmate says "I'm in for theft; ...

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A man dies and goes to Hell.

When he gets there, a demon tells him that he has to choose a room that he's going to stay in for the rest of all time.

The first room is big, with a few hundred people standing in piles of shit up to their waists. Other than that, nothing else is happening. They all seem to be having small ...

What's a demon's favourite kind of comedy?

Satyrical

I now know the truth behind my sleep paralysis demon...

...it was trying to protect me from the movie cats.

What do you call a demon clown that is good with small amounts of money?

Pennywise.

How do you get rid of fat demons?

With a treadmill. You exercise them.

Did you hear about the demon that got arrested?

He was charged with possession.

A Brazilian Man just died and went to hell

Satan looks at the man and says: “You’re not in hell just yet. Because you’re from Brazil, I’m going to let you choose a hell of your own desires.”

The Brazilian Man said: “I hate Brazil. Let’s try the American Hell.”

He went to the American Hell, was stabbed by 2 Pitch Forks by demon...

What happens when a cat gets possesed by a demon?

It needs to be purrified

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Two Scotsmen go to Hell

[I know this joke has been shared a few times before but I thought I would share my Scottish cultural adaptation of it]

A demon approaches the devil and says "Dark lord! Two men from Glasgow in Scotland have been sent here. What should be done with them?"

The devil says "Glaswegians? T...

"Social credit system , censorship of any info that does not fit their narrative , Demonization of people with wrong think " You know who I am talking about.

Reddit

Ever heard of the priest who moonlights as a fitness instructor?

He exercises demons.

Why do demons always win in court?

Because possession is nine-tenths of the law.

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What do you call a Japanese spice demon?

Pepper-oni.

Told my girl to fight her demons and she took a swing at me.

Hol up

What do you call a handicapped Spanish demon?

El Disablo

Jazz club

A demon walks into a jazz club and someone walks up to him and asks, “why aren’t you at a black metal concert?” To which the demon answers, “why would I? No one likes religious music”

What type of jackets do demons wear?

Blazers

Credit to my son for coming up with this joke.

What did the demon say to the wig...

... who traded his soul to become real hair?

There will be hell, toupee.

(Made this up a while ago. Terrible joke and I'm almost sure it's been made before, but I felt obligated to share it.)

During his sermon, he swore he was a servant of God and not a mischievous little demon from Hell

But I knew he was an imp pastor

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Three men consult a Ouija board to speak with a demon

The first man asks "What is your name?"

The planchette doesn't move.

Thinking the demon must not like the first man, the second man also asks "What is your name?"

The planchette refuses to move. However, a faint growling echoes from behind them.

After an uncomfortable fe...

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Joe dies and goes to hell, when he is greeted by a demon at the gate..

The demon says "Sup Joe, Welcome to hell my bro! You're gonna love it here!"

Joe responds "But this is Hell, why would I love it here?

The demon replies "well do you like drinking? Yes he loves it he says. Well on mondays we drink the whole day.

Do You like getting high? Love i...

Why don't demons steal hairpieces?

Because if they did, there'd be Hell toupee.

Why do demons hate fitness?

They don't like being exorcised.

Did you hear about the dyslexic demon child?

He’s LIVE

So my bedroom was filled with a demonic aura

I called in the local exorcist. When he entered my bedroom, I told him

"Get the hell out of here"

Never eat the slaw at a demonic lawyer's picnic.

Possession is 9/10 of the slaw.

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Since we're doing favourites, here's mine:

Three men are walking along a beach when they come across a lamp buried in the sand. They pull it out and dust it off and out pops a genie.

"For giving me my freedom, I shall grant each of you three wishes," he declares.

The first guy says, "I wish for a billion dollars!" Poof, his b...

As the group of people finished their demonic chanting...

they stabbed an object, lying on the table, feeding it to someone.








♫ Happy birthday to you, Happy birthday to you ♫

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Different sayings same thing

1. Having a threesome with a couple of no-shows.

2. DJ the VJ.

3. Dopamine farming.

4. Double clicking your mouse.

 5. Badgering the witness.

6. Summoning the semen demon.

7. Blood bending.

8. Shaking hands with the unemployed.

9. Making Jesus ...

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The Transreligious Dinner Party

Six people are planning a dinner party: a Jew, a Christian, a Muslim, a Pagan, a Hindu, and an Atheist. The Atheist suggests pork chops as the main course. The Jew says, “No, we can’t have pork, YHWH strictly forbids the consumption of pork.”

The Christian says in response, “No He doesn’t! Je...

What do you call it when two unspeakably awful demons compete to see which is the most evil?

The 2016 election.

What's reverse exorcism?

When a demon commands a priest to leave the body of a child

A fiery demon, clad in sleigh bells, entered the chamber.

Gandalf immediately froze in fear. It was what he had feared since entering Moria.

With each horrific step, the bells jangled damnation.

“That’s the jingle bell,” muttered Gandalf.

Step.

“That’s the jingle bell.”

Step...

The Genie and the Demon

Three men are out walking in the woods one day, when they stumble upon an old bronze lamp. Naturally, having spent much of their lives reading internet jokes, their first inclination is to rub the lamp and excitedly greet the genie that emerges.

"You have freed me from my near-eternal captivi...

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Joffrey was a huge dick in life, so when he died he went to hell.

When he got there he was greeted by Satan himself.

"Welcome to hell." said the Devil. "You were a pretty big dick up there, so you will be spending eternity down here. I will, however, let you choose how you spend that eternity. Follow me."

He led Joffrey to a long corridor with window...

What happened to the occultist YouTuber?

His account was demon-itized.

A man loses his job and REALLY needs money.

He is walking on the sidewalk when a demon from hell appears. The demon says “I will give you $100,000, but you must give me your wife.”

The man ponders the offer for a few seconds, then says “Okay, what’s the catch?”

How does a demon workout?

He exorcises

How does a demon take business calls?

On his HellPhone

How do you change wine to urine and lemons to demons?

Cursive

What do you call a demon who makes videos?

Demonetized.

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A notorious loan shark is driving drunk one night...

As he's speeding down some curvy mountain roads, the shark loses control of the vehicle and crashes head-on into a tree.

When he comes to, the man finds himself lying on a sofa in a fairly modest looking waiting room. Dizzy, he looks around and sees what appears to be a reception desk at the ...

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Three guys getting drunk in a graveyard

So three guy were drinking in a graveyard when a demon came to them and said “how dare you invade my domain and disturb me in this hour!” One of the guys said “we’re so sorry it’s just that bars are getting expensive and it’s quiet in here away from our wives and kids”
The demon felt sorry for th...

Why do demons love apostrophes?

They show possession.

What do you do to get rid of an obese demon?

You exorcise him.

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A Christian Priest arrives at the gates of Hell

"How'd you die?" asked a demon.
The priest replied, "I had a heart attack."
D: Well what happened?
P: Someone broke my windows, popped the tire on my Harley, and stole all my tools out of my shed.
D: Well that'd give anyone a heart attack. But you're a priest! Why are you in hell...

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What do you call a demon that lives in your butt?

An ass-soul

What should you do if there's a glutenous demon within you?

Exercise.

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A man shows up in Hell

Satan himself is there to meet him. He asks tells the man he is going to give him a choice between three eternities.


The first eternity, every sinner there is standing on their head on broken glass, forever being sliced open and bled out.


The second eternity, every sinner is...

I stretch daily to squeeze the demons out of my blood.

It's the only way I know how to exorcise.

A daughter is seemingly possessed by a demon...

Her mother frantically calls their priest, requesting an exorcism. She describes the details "She has been spinning about wildly, climbing on the walls, running on the ceiling.. moving about non-stop!" The priest replies "I don't know what you want me to do. Sounds like she's already exercising plen...

A guy dies and goes straight to hell.

A guy dies and goes straight to hell. He is greeted there by Satan - who says "Hey! Cheer up! Hell is not so bad - we give you choices!"

He points to three doors and says "You get to pick one - and you get to peek behind the door before you choose." So he opens the first door and there is a ...

Which demon is the average YouTuber most afraid of?

Demonetization.

Why dont Demons fear oxidation?

Because there's no rust for the wicked

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What do you get when you combine two Japanese demons?

A two-eyed onion.

In another context, "Doom" could have been one of the scariest horror games of all time.

All you have to do is play one of the demons.

When the devil goes out drinking, he makes all the demons wear robes.

He likes jinn in tunics.

Why do demons and ghouls hang out together?

Because demons are a ghoul's best friend.

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A man who bed-wets went to see a psychiatrist.

A man who bed-wets went to see a psychiatrist.

PSYCHIATRIST: Does a dream usually precede your bed-wetting? Tell me how it happens.

MAN: A little demon Appeared to me in my sleep and says, "o good man let us urinate". Then, I woke up to see the bed wet with my urine.

PSYCHIAT...

Have you heard of the Irish exorcism that happened recently?

The demon had to pull the priest out of the little boy.

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A man who abuses women goes to hell.

When he gets there, there's a row of giant demons with 18 inch dicks. A voice says "please proceed forward. Stop at every demon. When you get to the end you will be judged." So he goes to the first demon who proceeds to fuck him in the ass. The demon punches him in the face when it's over. He proce...

A gamer dies and goes to hell...

After one week, the devil goes to God:

\- God?! What crazy person have you send me here? He destroyed all the cauldrons, killed all demons, running like crazy everywhere and yelling: "Where is the exit to LEVEL 2!!!"

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An old joke popular with engineers and other neckbeards

A man dies and surprise! he finds himself in the sky and surrounded by clouds and in front of an old man who asks, ”Heaven or Hell?”

Guy goes, "what kind of question is that?" and the old man sighs and goes, “oh another one. Well allow me to show you and then you can make your decision ...

If your relationship is an on and off relationship...

..it’s just the demon’s kid playing with the switches.

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Day 1443 without sex.....

My sleep paralysis demon looked hot today.

War joke for the lads

A man went to a church for confession he said to the preist, father I have sinned I have committed Aldulturey, the preist replied with everyone has their demons please tell me what happened, the man said a german girl who asked for shelter from the war came to me and I allowed although I was confuse...

Ole and Sven go to Hell

Ole and Sven, ignoring the -60 degree windchill warnings, froze to death while ice fishing in northern Minnesota and descend to Hell.

Coming to check on his new arrivals from up North, Satan is surprised to find Ole and Sven enjoying themselves, finally removing coats and hats that they've ...

Two orphan children are on the run after stealing a big basket of tangerines from the store

They run into the cemetery to hide, but drop two at the gate
Child 1: It's fine! We have plenty more in the basket. Hurry! We must hide!


They find a bush to take cover and begin counting out the tangerines...
"One for me, one for you, one for me, one for you"


They...

A pious woman was possessed by a demon

She went to her priest, desperate to relieve herself of this burden. After a few silent rituals, she was rid of the demon. As she was exiting though, the priest extended his hand, signifying he was due payment. The woman replied, "Oh, but father, I have no money!"

She was repossessed.

What did the demonic junkie get charged with?

Two counts of possession

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A British sinner goes to hell

He arrives at the gates of hell and since He's the worst sinner of all time, The Devil comes to recieve him himself. The Devil then starts walking him into a huge building and tells him that sinners don't get to choose as to the kind of punishment they will recieve but the British guy being the wor...

An EA developer dies and gets do decide if wheather he wants to go to heaven or to hell.

First, he checks out heaven and sees that it's pretty standard stuff, angels, clouds, peace, but nothing really interesting.

Then he checks out hell. Really cool parties going on all over the place, infinite amount of drinks and drugs, beautiful women everywhere.

Obviously, he chooses ...

What do you call a trans demon?

An Evil Trap.

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