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Three men consult a Ouija board to speak with a demon

The first man asks "What is your name?"

The planchette doesn't move.

Thinking the demon must not like the first man, the second man also asks "What is your name?"

The planchette refuses to move. However, a faint growling echoes from behind them.

After an uncomfortable fe...

What do you call a trans demon?

An Evil Trap.

What was the demon arrested for?

Possession

What do you call a demon clown that is good with small amounts of money?

Pennywise.

A man loses his job and REALLY needs money.

He is walking on the sidewalk when a demon from hell appears. The demon says “I will give you $100,000, but you must give me your wife.”

The man ponders the offer for a few seconds, then says “Okay, what’s the catch?”

I'm done dating demons.

They're too possessive.

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What do you call a Japanese spice demon?

Pepper-oni.

A demon took over my buddy's body, so I called the cops.

They charged him with possession.

What happens when a cat gets possesed by a demon?

It needs to be purrified

During his sermon, he swore he was a servant of God and not a mischievous little demon from Hell

But I knew he was an imp pastor

How does a demon workout?

He exorcises

What do you do when your ogre gets possessed by an evil demon?

Call a shrexorcist!

What type of jackets do demons wear?

Blazers

Credit to my son for coming up with this joke.

What did the demon say to the wig...

... who traded his soul to become real hair?

There will be hell, toupee.

(Made this up a while ago. Terrible joke and I'm almost sure it's been made before, but I felt obligated to share it.)

How does a demon take business calls?

On his HellPhone

I dated a demon once

He said I was his most prized possession

What do you call a demon who makes videos?

Demonetized.

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A man who abuses women goes to hell.

When he gets there, there's a row of giant demons with 18 inch dicks. A voice says "please proceed forward. Stop at every demon. When you get to the end you will be judged." So he goes to the first demon who proceeds to fuck him in the ass. The demon punches him in the face when it's over. He proce...

Once upon a time there was a girl,

this girl had the ability to heal others any other living thing imaginable. One day a very injured demon came into her door and out of the kindness of her heart she healed him. The demon rose up and thanked her while he girl outstretched her hand to shake it, as was customary. But alas the demon fle...

What do you call a handicapped Spanish demon?

El Disablo

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Joe dies and goes to hell, when he is greeted by a demon at the gate..

The demon says "Sup Joe, Welcome to hell my bro! You're gonna love it here!"

Joe responds "But this is Hell, why would I love it here?

The demon replies "well do you like drinking? Yes he loves it he says. Well on mondays we drink the whole day.

Do You like getting high? Love i...

What do you call it when two unspeakably awful demons compete to see which is the most evil?

The 2016 election.

What do you do to get rid of an obese demon?

You exorcise him.

The Genie and the Demon

Three men are out walking in the woods one day, when they stumble upon an old bronze lamp. Naturally, having spent much of their lives reading internet jokes, their first inclination is to rub the lamp and excitedly greet the genie that emerges.

"You have freed me from my near-eternal captivi...

Which demon is the average YouTuber most afraid of?

Demonetization.

Why are there so many fat demons?

Because they hate exorcising.

A fiery demon, clad in sleigh bells, entered the chamber.

Gandalf immediately froze in fear. It was what he had feared since entering Moria.

With each horrific step, the bells jangled damnation.

“That’s the jingle bell,” muttered Gandalf.

Step.

“That’s the jingle bell.”

Step...

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Two nuns are driving down the road when a demon jumps on to the bonnet.

One nun says to the other ''show him your cross'', so the other one winds down the window and shouts ''get the fuck off my car asshole!''

What should you do if there's a glutenous demon within you?

Exercise.

Why are there no demons in Africa?

Cause someone already blessed the rains down there.

Why do demons love apostrophes?

They show possession.

When the devil goes out drinking, he makes all the demons wear robes.

He likes jinn in tunics.

Demons must be obese...

...Because they hate getting exorcised.

What did the man tell his hairpiece when he heard Satan and some demons would be entering the world soon?

"There will be hell, toupee."

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What do you get when you combine two Japanese demons?

A two-eyed onion.

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Ethel was a bit of a demon in her wheelchair...

... and loved to charge around the nursing home, taking corners on one wheel and getting up to maximum speed on the long corridors.

Because the poor woman was one sandwich short of a picnic the other residents tolerated her, and some of them actually joined in.

One day Ethel was speed...

How do you send a demon to heaven?

You scare the hell out of it.

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What do you call a demon that lives in your butt?

An ass-soul

Why dont Demons fear oxidation?

Because there's no rust for the wicked

I stretch daily to squeeze the demons out of my blood.

It's the only way I know how to exorcise.

No wonder Latin is a dead language

They kept summoning demons

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A man dies and goes to Hell...

Given his cruel, sadistic streak, the demons really like this guy and start giving him some say in how the day-to-day life of Hell can be made more Hellish for the other souls. He introduces bizarre new forms of torture on an almost daily basis.



One day, the man comes up with his dar...

Why do demons and ghouls hang out together?

Because demons are a ghoul's best friend.

A man dies and finds himself in an elevator

He did expect a light at the end of the tunnel and all that, but he decides to see where things are going. Pretty soon, the destination of his elevator-ride is showing up on the display: "Hell"

"Well", the man thinks, "I've had a good life. Fair's fair I guess."

The elevator opens an...

A pious woman was possessed by a demon

She went to her priest, desperate to relieve herself of this burden. After a few silent rituals, she was rid of the demon. As she was exiting though, the priest extended his hand, signifying he was due payment. The woman replied, "Oh, but father, I have no money!"

She was repossessed.

A priest entered the bedroom of a possessed boy with nothing but a treadmill and weights

Surprised, the boy's family gave the priest a strange look. He turned to the family, a bit confused himself, and said "I'm here to exercise the demons, right?"

Fed up with God's creations, Lucifer decides to lead an army to destroy humanity...

The war had been raging for many years, and humanity was slowly losing. Lucifer could raise a never ending stream of demons, and until he was contained, the fighting would never end.

In order to stop him, God gives the humans a ritual that would seal away Satan forever. The Pope was recruited...

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A warlock, a cleric, and a sorcerer walk into a bar.

They order a few too many drinks and all begin boasting about their magic abilities, arguing over whose are better. Unable to agree who is the strongest, they decide that the best way to settle it is to have a contest.


Whoever can get them kicked out of the bar wins.


The warlo...

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So one day a man wakes up and things are weird...

So one day a man wakes up and things are a little off. He can tell something is different and he slowly begins to put together the fact that he might be dead. He keeps looking around and realized it may be worse than he thought. He begins to realize he is in Hell. So he walks over to a demon and...

A man was sent to Hell for his sins.

As he was being taken to his place of eternal torment, he passed a room where a lawyer was having an intimate conversation with a beautiful woman.

"What a rip-off," the man muttered. "I have to roast for all eternity, and that lawyer spends it with that gorgeous woman."

Jabbing the man...

A daughter is seemingly possessed by a demon...

Her mother frantically calls their priest, requesting an exorcism. She describes the details "She has been spinning about wildly, climbing on the walls, running on the ceiling.. moving about non-stop!" The priest replies "I don't know what you want me to do. Sounds like she's already exercising plen...

A man goes to heaven and is greeted by an angel who shows him around the place

"Over there is a local restaurant, it's guaranteed to have your favorite meal there" said the angel

"And over there is a theater, and to the left, there's a swimming pool"

The angel soon finishes the tour and finds that the man is overjoyed.

The angel had one more thing to say t...

Two orphan children are on the run after stealing a big basket of tangerines from the store

They run into the cemetery to hide, but drop two at the gate
Child 1: It's fine! We have plenty more in the basket. Hurry! We must hide!


They find a bush to take cover and begin counting out the tangerines...
"One for me, one for you, one for me, one for you"


They...

A banker died. When he arrived at the junction between heaven and hell, God gave him a choice between the two. The banker decided to take a tour.

He toured heaven. It was calm, serene and comfortable. Then he toured hell. There were nightclubs, endless bars, girls all around and loud music. He obviously chose the hell.

When he entered hell, there were fireballs, demons spitting java and not a pickle to eat. He turned to God and asked ...

A gamer dies and goes to hell...

After one week, the devil goes to God:

\- God?! What crazy person have you send me here? He destroyed all the cauldrons, killed all demons, running like crazy everywhere and yelling: "Where is the exit to LEVEL 2!!!"

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A man dies and goes to hell.

Once in hell hes greeted by the devil. "While in hell you can choose one of three rooms to be tortured in for all of eternity. You may only choose once." They go to the first room and theres a group of people standing on their heads on a hard wooden floor being whipped by demons. They go to the seco...

A man is at the gates to hell...

In front of him are 2 gigantic doors. One is made of twisted red oak, and the other of smooth polished iron.


Sitting between the doors are 2 huge red identical looking demons. One is seated on an enormous ornately carved ivory chair. The other on an identically carved but shining black e...

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A lawyer dies and goes to hell...

The devil pulls up his file on his computer and sighs “You’ve been a naughty boy haven’t you? Extortion, gambling, sex with prostitutes and even murder!”

The lawyer hangs his head in shame and the devil pats him lightly on the shoulder.

“I’m a fair guy, what I’m going to do is let you...

Ole and Sven go to Hell

Ole and Sven, ignoring the -60 degree windchill warnings, froze to death while ice fishing in northern Minnesota and descend to Hell.

Coming to check on his new arrivals from up North, Satan is surprised to find Ole and Sven enjoying themselves, finally removing coats and hats that they've ...

A man named Tucker, dies and goes to hell

There, a demon takes Tucker to a hallway with three doors. The demon says (in a deep demonic voice) “You must choose one room, where you will spend the next thousand years!”

The demon opens the first door. Inside there is a man in a pit of fire, screaming in agony. Tucker says “Nooo no no! De...

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Juan was sent to hell.

In the hell lobby, Juan is greeted by a demon. The demon showed 3 doors that contains the type of punishment Juan will receive. Of course, Juan is given the ability to choose his punishment.

The demon opened the 1st door. Juan saw a man being punished by a whip. Juan said: "No! I do not want ...

An EA developer dies and gets do decide if wheather he wants to go to heaven or to hell.

First, he checks out heaven and sees that it's pretty standard stuff, angels, clouds, peace, but nothing really interesting.

Then he checks out hell. Really cool parties going on all over the place, infinite amount of drinks and drugs, beautiful women everywhere.

Obviously, he chooses ...

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A man was giving a talk on the occult

He asked the crowd if anyone had danced with a spirit?, no one answered, he then asked if anyone had kissed a demon?, no one answered, he then asked if anyone had ever had sex with a ghost? This time an old hillbilly in back raised his hand and the man said “sir please stand up and tell us about the...

Four politicians die in a car accident and they find themselves standing in front of St Peter who says he will give them the tour of heaven and hell and they can decide where they want to stay for all eternity...

Heaven is all people with halo's playing harps on clouds, singing, praying and generally praising God.

Then, a demon appears and takes them down to have a look at hell.

In hell, they meet all their old friends playing golf! They play a round, walk up to the 19th for champagne, fine win...

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The Restaurant in Hell

You die, and in hell, you are sat at a restaurant. A small group of glutton demons come out with your food. They bring out the most juicy, delicious looking steak you have either seen, a 2-inch cut, said to have come from the finest of cow in all the multiverse. On the side are roast potatoes, the p...

C3PO, Luke Skywalker, and Han Solo are taken prisoner on an alien planet

The Millennium Falcon had to make an emergency stop on an uncharted planet. The trio is greeted by a hostile alien race and placed in a horrendous prison.

After some time they are taken in the night to some kind of tribunal where they are told that all outsiders are regarded as evil demons an...

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An engineer dies and goes to hell...

He is welcomed by his orientation demon, who shows him around and explains how things work. The engineer notices that a lot of things aren't working and are in dire need of fixing. The air conditioning is busted, the network is overloaded, there's power shortages everywhere, everything is overheatin...

A drink in Hell

A man dies and goes to hell, and on his first day the Devil gives him a tour.

The man is paying attention and seeing the sites (torture sites, internet comment sections, etc.) and he gets really hot and thirsty.

Coincidentally, the next stop on the tour is the only place to get a drin...

Why did satan open a gym?

So he could exercise his demons.

The Pope goes to New York.

He is picked up at the airport by a limousine. He looks at the beautiful car and says to the driver, ''You know, I hardly ever get to drive. Would you please let me?''
The driver is understandably hesistant and says, ''I'm sorry, but I don't think I'm supposed to do that.''
But the pope pers...

A guy dies and is sent to hell

Satan meets him, shows him doors to three rooms, and tells him he must choose one to spend eternity in. In the first room, people are standing on their heads on a brick floor The guy says, ‘No, let me see the next room.’ In the second room, people are standing on their heads on a wooden floor. The g...

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The Promotion (long)

“Spend $100 or more and get a free 20 pound or less frozen turkey, while supplies last.

That was the promotion our store ran every Thanksgiving for the last 17 years. Well, for as long as I’ve been here, that is.

But not this year

This year, we’re not running a promotion. I real...

I’m impressed with the conjuring series.

They’ve managed to create a horrifying nun demon with razor sharp shark teeth, a lust for blood, that jumpscares, nearly kills a man, and has to be banished to hell.

The impressive part is that they’ve perfectly managed to create the 7th scariest thing in the Catholic Church.

Carl Marx dies.

Of course, he get sent to hell.

The devil at first doesn't care about him, but after a few weeks Karl starts organizing the demons sindacates.

After a month the demons start striking and they want their salary increased. The devil, fed up with the situation, decides to get rid of Karl,...

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A man dies and goes to Hell.

In Hell, a demon welcomes him:

-Hey man, welcome to Hell, we got a pretty easy system here, we have three doors and you have to choose one room to spend eternity.

-Sounds good, says the man.

They approach the three doors on a hallway, the demon half opens one and tell the man ...

Where's the fire.....

A firefighter’s wife suspects the hubby is getting some on the side. Being non confrontational , she plays it close to the chest. One day she goes through the hubby’s car and discovers a packet of unused condoms.

With a knowing smile, she soaks ‘em in jalapeño for an hour before putting the...

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A man dies and goes to Hell.

There he meets Satan, who tells him that he can spend eternity behind one of two doors.

Behind the first door is an infinite room, with people as far as the eye can see standing on their heads in an inch of dog shit.

"Eh, that seems pretty unpleasant," says the man. "Let's see what's b...

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A politician passes away and arrives at the Pearly Gates........

St. Peter greets him. “Nice to meet you! You should know we give you the choice of whether you want to spend eternity in heaven or in hell.” “How do I know which one to pick?” the politician replies. “We let you spend a day in each, and then you may decide.” The politician agrees and is sent to the ...

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A man died and went to Hell

One day a guy died and found himself in hell. As he was wallowing in despair, he had his first meeting with a demon.


The demon asked, “Why so glum?”


The guy responded, “Why do you think? I'm in hell!”


“Hell's not so bad,” the demon said. “We actually have a lot of f...

Who is the Greediest? (Long)

Out of boredom, the Devil was kicking back some beers with a few demons and posed the idea of hosting a contest. With a guaranteed large audience, they agreed upon setting the spectator fee of $50 for anyone watching. Plus, the extra benefit is that we can guarantee more people going to hell.
The...

A terrible YouTube joke

"Knock knock."

"Who's there?"

"Demon."

"Demon who?"

**"DEMONETISATION!"**

If a millennial asks you...

If a millennial asks you why people in old photos have red eyes

.

.


Tell them that they're too young to remember the demon uprising of the 1980s

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So a cowboy had a party to go to

Upon finishing his work on friday, he goes back to his house and tells his kid:

"get a horse ready, Im in a hurry"

"which one dad?"

"don't care, first one you see"

He takes a shower and rushes out to mount the horse for the trek, since he figures he's running late, he tak...

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Three cowboys

Three cowboys sit around a campfire.
One starts to brag about himself.
"I'm so tough, one time one of my bulls got crazy but I quickly realized that I was out of ammo so I fought him with my bare hands!"

The cowboy next to him laughs.
"That's nothing! This one time I fought a pack...

What happened to Satan’s YouTube channel?

It got demon-itized

A priest is conducting an exorcism, yelling, "The power of Christ compels you!"

The demon sighs and says to him, "Sorry, I'm Jewish."

Castro joke I got from Cuban family members

Fidel Castro dies and because he thinks he is so great he goes to heaven. Once past the gates though, Saint Peter stops him and throws him out being the the watchful eye he is. In hell, the devil meets castro and gives him a warm welcome and tells his demons to get Castro's bags and bring them to hi...

This is for Robin Williams

A man goes to see a doctor. Doctor asks what seems to be the trouble. The man says, "Doc, I'm depressed. Simply, I can't sleep sometimes, I can't eat, I feel down and irritable most days. I just can't feel 'happy.'"

The Doctor says, "I've got the perfect fix for you. In town tonight is the g...

[Long] Trying to find a date had been really difficult for me recently

I’d been having some mental health issues lately and so my doctor prescribed me with some pills to help treat them. Unfortunately they had the unavoidable side affect of making me hallucinate.

My daily routine didn’t change that much, but it did have a huge affect on my dating game. Every da...

A man dies and is sent to hell.

A man dies and is sent to hell. Satan greets him and shows him a series of doors. "While our job is to torture you and make you suffer for all eternity, we also treating our guests well. Hence, we would like to offer you a choice in how you would like to be tortured," said the devil.

Satan op...

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A woman is standing in line at a grocery store...

In front of her is a granddad and his young grandson. The kid goes "I WANT THAT CANDY NOW!" as he swings his arms around. The grandfather says "James, calm down or you're gonna hit someone."

A while later the kid goes "GIVE ME THAT TOY NOW!". His grandfather says "James, just be patient."
...

What do you call a movie about Matt Damon haunting a carpet store?

The Mat Demon

This guy ends up in hell, along with 3 presidents

Having reached the place, he is taken by a demon to his eternal torment tar pit. Along the way, he sees some famous political figures.
There's Saddam, up in it to his belly, yelling and screaming. The guy thinks to himself: -Well deserved, surely.
As he continues, he sees Putin, up to his che...

Read this one online a while back

An engineer dies and goes to hell. At first, he's reluctant to come to terms with where he is.

The devil sees him, and says" Cheer up, hell isn't so bad. I'll prove it, you can have the best room in the house."

The engineer happily accepts and is led to something that looks like it was...

Engineer goes to Hell...

The engineer looks around, confused, and sees that despite having lived what he felt was a pious and good life, he is in Hell.

Satan quickly introduces himself. "Welcome to Hell. I can't say i was expecting you, so i guess St. Peter made a mistake when he put you on the Hell list. I'll have ...

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A man with a french mother and german father dies and goes to hell.

The devil tells him

"Since you are both french and german, I will let you choose between going to french hell or german hell!"

The man asks to see them first, so the devil takes him to french hell. People are standing in a never ending lake, up to their chin in sewage and chained by th...

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An alcoholic therapist

Is a destroyer of demons and spirits.

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a man dies and goes to hell

when he arrives a demon tells him how hell works. "there are three doors, each door has a different event behind them. you get to pick one to experience for eternity." says the demon. he opens door number one and theres a man burning for all of eternity "nope" says the man. he opens door number 2 an...

The Crusading Nun.

A guy was in New York on a business trip and decided to head to a local bar for a drink. Standing outside the bar was a nun holding a tin cup.

As the man threw a few bucks into her cup the nun launched into a long tirade about the evils of alcohol. She went on and on about how alcohol was tea...

A man dies and goes to hell

A demon is there to meet him.
"Hello, and welcome to hell." He says. "You weren't too bad, so you get to choose your eternal punishment."

The demon then shows the man to three doors. Behind the first door is a bunch of people, all standing on their heads on a floor made of concrete. Behin...

Bill Gates dies in a car accident, He finds himself in purgatory, being sized up by St. Peter. "Well, Bill, I'm really confused on this call;

I'm not sure whether to send you to Heaven or
Hell. After all, you enormously helped society by
putting a computer in almost every home in
America, yet you also created that ghastly Windows
'95. I'm going to do something I've never done
before in your case; I'm going to let you decide...

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A bad man arrives at hell...

He looks around and there's *grass* everywhere! He asks the demon gatekeeper about it and he's told, "the Mormons are irrigating again."

There are three doors at the entrance to hell, and he's told by the demon to choose one to spend eternity behind. "Can I look to see what's behind them," as...

Bashar Assad died. He went to heaven.

But St. Peter did not find him on the lists and did not let him into the gate. The sad Assad descended into Hell. There he met the Devil, who was very glad.

"It's so great that you came. We have a real mess here. I really need a good administrator. You will bring order to hell.

Bashar ...

BILL GATES IN HELL

Bill Gates goes to purgatory.


St. Peter says, "Now Bill, you have done some good things, and you have done some bad things. Now I am going to let you decide where you want to go".


First, St. Peter shows Bill an image of Hell with beautiful women running on beaches. Then, St Pet...

A Communist Dies.

And since he was an honest man albeit an atheist, he was sentenced to rotate spending one year in Hell and one year in Heaven. One year passes and Satan says to God: "Take this man as fast as possible. Because he turned all my young demons into Young Pioneers, I have to restore some order." Another ...

Three men end up in hell

Three guys found themselves in Hell: we will call them Carl, Bob, and Brett, they were a little confused at their present situation, and they were startled to see a door in the wall open, and behind the door was perhaps the ugliest woman they had ever seen. She was 3'4", dirty, and you could smell h...

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A man dies and goes to hell...

When he walks through the gate he is greeted by a demon. "Hi Steve. Welcome to hell. Since you were only an occasional sinner, you will be allowed to choose your eternal punishment"

The Demon leads him down a dark street. "This is your first option." he says. Steve sees a man being pecked to ...

A Paladin goes into a mechanic's shop...

A paladin goes in to a mechanic's shop, and says "Hey, you've got to help me. Normally, I'm a perfect, upstanding paladin. I help old ladies cross the street, I tithe, I slay evil demons. But when I get in my car, I only have the urge to cause property damage and run people over. What's going on?"...

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A man dies and goes to hell..

When he reaches hell he is stopped by the Devil. The devil tells him that, because this man was such a sonofabitch, and the Devil was genuinely impressed by his sonofabitchery, he would let the man choose what his punishment would be for the rest of eternity. The Devil leads the man to the dungeon...

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A peasant was arguing with his wife...

... when, in a fit of rage, he threw her down the well.

A week later, he goes back to the well, hoping she got calmed, and he thew down a ladder in the well.

The only thing, it's the devil who got out, and thanked the peasant.

-- Gosh, thanks! It was getting unbearable with her ...

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A Man Goes to Hell...(NSFW)

A man goes to Hell, and is given a choice of which room he wants to spend eternity in. The demon leading him shows the man the first room. Inside are a bunch of people waist deep in shit.

"Nope, not this one" He says.

The demon takes him to the next room. In here everyone is neck deep...

An engineer died and reported to the pearly gates

An intern angel, filling in for St. Peter, checked his dossier and grimly
said, "Ah, you're an engineer; you're in the wrong place."

So the engineer was cast down to the gates of hell and was let
in. Pretty soon, the engineer became gravely dissatisfied with
the level of comfort in h...

During a job interview,

Tom was nailing the job interview, and then the interviewer said:
"Before I give you the job, I must make sure that you know what a Penguin is."
"What's a penguin?" asks Tom, only to be yelled at:
"YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT A PENGUIN IS?! GET OUT! AND NEVER COME BACK!"
Tom then comes back home...

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