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Somehow Jokes

So Barack Obama and Donald Trump somehow ended up at the same barber shop...

As they sat there, each being worked on by a different barber, not a word was spoken. The barbers were both afraid to start a conversation, for fear that it would turn nasty. As the barbers finished their shaves in silence, the one who had Trump in his chair reached for the aftershave. But Donald wa...

A lawyer dies, and somehow manages to go to heaven

When he gets there, he's greeted by St. Peter himself. The lawyer says, "What happened? I wasn't in an accident and I'm too young to die. I'm only 52!"

St. Peter says, "Nope, by our records, you are 84, and that's a pretty good life."

The lawyer yells, "84! How did you figure that?...

I hate that September, October, November, and December are somehow the 9th, 10th, 11th, and 12th months of the calendar year

Whoever messed that up ought to be stabbed

Donald Trump somehow makes it to the Pearly Gates

After a long life, and a tumultuous presidency, Donald J Trump dies and arrives at the Gates of Heaven, where he sees a huge wall of clocks behind him.

He asks an angel, "What are all those clocks?"

The angel answers, "Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone on Earth has a Lie-Clock. Every time...

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A barbarian slave in Rome somehow won the attention of Caesar's daughter

They became lovers. To avoid pregnancy, they agreed to oral sex only. After just a few encounters, they were caught in the act. At first the barbarian, imprisoned and sentenced to fight to entertain the crowd, regretted his poor judgment.

Eventually, though, he was gladiator.

Assistant to the President: Sir, there's a crisis - somehow, we only have one copy of Pixar's Up left in existence.

President: All right, find the person who currently owns it, and have him give it to me.

Assistant to the President: Well there's some bad news, sir ...

President: Bad news? Have him give me the DVD, I'll copy it and post it on the Internet, problem solved!

Assistant to the Pres...

I somehow managed to make it through high school math while only being able to remember even numbers.

What are the odds?

Anyone remember when a holiday somehow managed to impregnate a month!?

*Ya it looks like Christmas came in July!*

...





...yes I've not been invited to a party in years, why do you ask?

Ate some weird mushrooms last night and somehow ended up in a Mazda car sales yard tripping like crazy....

Shroom Shroom.

A man dies one day and finds himself in Hell, much to his surprise.

The man has never sinned, he has attended church somewhat regularly and often gives to charity.

He asks at the gate if there has been a mistake to which the ferryman gives no answer.

He figures there is little hope for him, but somehow he will make the best of his situation.

He ...

I have a friend who always subtly mentions that he went to MIT

I simply hate his behavior. He'd somehow figure out a way to drop it into a conversation just to let people know he's an MIT alumni.

He's always been like this. Even when we were in college together.

I'm a chameleon. Somehow wedged myself between a brick and a tree trunk.

Brown to the left of me. Ochre to the right. Here I am stuck in a middle-ish hue.

I'm somehow bad at math

Like I'm 85% funny and 25% bad at math

Funny that when a guy sleeps with tons of girls, he's a stud..

But when a girl sleeps with tons of guys, somehow I’m not one of them.

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Why is it that when a guy can't find a girl's clit, it's the guy's fault

But when a girl can't find a guy's penis, somehow that's also the guy's fault?

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Stinky farts are just like somehow putting a silencer on a bazooka...

Silent-butt, deadly and extremely explosive.









sometimes flammable too

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When I was 5 years old, I got a coal from Santa...

The next year I decided to make him pay for it and poisoned his cookies. Somehow, the bastard found out and killed my dad

My skydiving parachute and backup didnt open but somehow I lived

long enough to post this

A little joke from my family's dinner table.

My family was talking a few weeks ago, and somehow I brought up the fact that every state in New England has a town or city in it called "Warren". I said that there's a Warren, Vermont, a Warren, Maine, a Warren, Rhode Island.

And my brother chimed in "There's also a Warren Ukraine!"

...

Where should you take your cat, if it somehow loses its tail?

Walmart, they're the world's biggest retailer.

Thank you. I'll be here all week.

Heard this ADhD joke a while back. A man walks into a bar with a penguin and a foul-mouthed parrot and somehow wins a bet or something.

Sorry, I guess I wasn't really paying attention.



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During my check-up I asked the Doctor, "Do you think I'll live a long and healthy life then?"

He replied, "I doubt it somehow. Mercury is in Uranus right now."

I said, "I don't go in for any of that astrology nonsense."

He replied, "Neither do I. My thermometer just broke."

There was a man in Bulgaria who drove a train for a living...

There was a man in Bulgaria who drove a train for a living.

He loved his job, driving a train had been his dream ever since he was a child.

He loved to make the train go as fast as possible.

Unfortunately, one day he was a little too reckless and caused a crash.

He mad...

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The other day, a bunch of prostitutes played tug of war with some prisoners. Somehow, the prostitutes won.

I guess the pros outweighed the cons.

LPT Request: My 2 year old son drew in permanent marker all over the walls

So I took a shower earlier today and left my 2 year old son in the living room with the TV on thinking he would be ok. I come out 20 minutes later and he covered the entire living room in green permanent marker that he somehow got a hold of. As you can imagine, I flipped out and immediately ran to...

Somehow it looks like Robert Kraft will get away with his little massage parlor incident...

This isn't the first time he got off...

A man in a hot air balloon realized he was lost. He reduced altitude and spotted a woman below. He descended a bit more and shouted, "Excuse me, can you help me?

I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am."

The woman below replied, "You are in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground.
You are between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude."

"...

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Two 70 year old men, Mike and Joe, have been friends all of their lives.

When it's clear that Joe is dying, Mike visits him every day.

One day Mike says, "Joe, we both loved football all our lives, and we played football on Saturdays together for so many years. Please do me one favour, when you get to Heaven, somehow you must let me know if there's football there...

I took my new gun to the range to try it out, but somehow it won’t work....

Now I have to read the trouble shooting section in the manual!

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Slept with a bitch in heat last night. She somehow managed to make the entire bed hers, and even had the gall to demand breakfast first thing in the morning.

Really annoying when no one is at home so I have to take care of the dog.

The Violin Ensemble playing in Carnegie Hall somehow got an R-18 rating...

The censors say it contains explicit scenes of violins encore.

What did Donald Trump say to the sickly weasel that somehow got loose in the Oval Office?

Damn, next time I'll have to use more glue.

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A woman gets off a roller coaster at an amusement park. Feeling dizzy from the ride, she immediately falls to the ground, unconscious.

She wakes up to find a man rubbing her breasts. "What are you doing?" she asks.

"I was just reviving you," replies the man. "When I saw you unconscious on the ground, I lightly slapped you, but nothing happened. I rubbed your wrists, but nothing happened. I even gave you mouth to mouth, but s...

Girls hate it when you give them gifts implying that you will somehow benefit from them as well.

Take knee pads for example.

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Blind Man: "Please help me, everyone keeps making nasty jokes about how my disability means I'm somehow inferior to them. I'm constantly hearing thoughtless, heartless reminders about how I'm different from other people, and lacking a sense they have."

World's Worst Therapist: "I see."

An American, an Indian, and a Russian got in Hell and plead to the Devil that they don't belong here. The Devil, bored, makes them an offer: "I will strike you 3 times with my whip, and if you survive, I'll let you go. You can use anything you want as a shield".

The American goes first. He builds a high-tech shield from depleted uranium and composites, and hides behind it. The Devil strikes once - the shield cracks; twice - the shield falls apart; thrice - the American is no more.

Next goes the Indian. He puts himself in some advanced Yoga position ...

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A guy walked into a bar with a monkey

A guy walked into a bar with a monkey.

The monkey grabbed some olives off the bar and ate them.

Then he grabbed some sliced limes and ate them.
He then jumped onto the pool table and grabbed one of the balls.

To everyone’s amazement, he stuck it in his mouth and somehow swall...

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When my wife was close to death she assured me if there was an afterlife she would somehow let me know.

Anyway, the inevitable happened and she passed away. About a month had passed when I was awoken by a cold blast and the shadowy ghost of my wife appeared in front of me,

"It's all true, " she said to me, "heaven is here, my love, I'm here, my mum is here, my dad is here, and when you pass yo...

I was taking care of my friend's snake while he was on vacation, but somehow it crawled into our freezer and died...

I asked my wife, "What should I tell him?"

She said, "Just give it to him straight."

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I went to a disco last night.

I went to a disco last night. They played The Twist, I did the Twist. They played Jump, I jumped. They played Come on Eileen...I got kicked out for that one.

EDIT: Added the beginning of the joke in here because somehow the name is Donald Trump now. What the fuck happened?!?!?

Choking Lady

Two hillbillies walked into a local restaurant as they had decided to stop by for a bite to eat. While they dined, they talked about their moonshine operation.

All of a sudden, one woman sitting next to them (she had been eating a sandwich just right across their table) begun to cough. After ...

A group of programmers painstakingly made a small underground passage, that somehow got smaller if it was used too often.

They called it the Carpal Tunnel

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Scarlett Johansson and some guy were the only survivors of a shipwreck.

They didn't know each other before the shipwreck, but he did know who she was...

At the beginning it was hard, but as time passed, this guy learnt how to provide food and shelter, he started taking care of her, and eventually she started caring about him... after all, there wasn't anybody els...

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The Pope had become very ill and was taken to many doctors,

all of whom could not figure out how to cure him. Finally, he was brought to an old physician. After about an hour’s examination he came out and told the cardinals that he had some good news and some bad news. The bad news was that the Pope had a rare disorder of the testicles. The good news was tha...

There once was a woman who had 100 children.

She named each of them after numbers in the order they were born. There was a fire and all of them died except Ninety. Ninety went off to have kids of her own. They were very kind and loving. One day they found an injured dog. They took it home and nursed it back to health. They hid the dog and neve...

My boss hates that I have started saying 'just do it'

Somehow he thinks it's inappropriate for 'suicide prevention hotline'

I was washing the dishes when a drop of the dishwashing liquid I was using somehow got to my eye. It stung so bad I started crying.

I guess this is what they call tears of Joy™.

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A man goes to the doctor

“DOCTOR I NEED HELP!“ he says.

The doctor asked curiously “why are you shouting?“

“I DON’T KNOW, I’VE ALWAYS BEEN LIKE THIS, CAN YOU FIND THE REASON?“ the man shouts back.

So the doctor examines the man, and after a while concludes that somehow, the man’s large penis is causing ...

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A Soviet Strip Club

In the seventies, Soviet party members decide on establishing the first strip club in Moscow


They plan out everything, yet somehow there's next to no income. After some discussion, they decide on inviting two American experts to inspect the place.

The Americans look around for a m...

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A professor told dirty jokes in class

the women wanted to protest it. So they decided that in the next time that the professor will start with these kind of jokes they all will leave the class as a protest.

Somehow the professor heard about the plan.

In the next lecture, in the beginning of the lecture he said: "In Swede...

Hollywood is remaking Brokeback Mountain with Margot Robbie and Emma Watson

On the one hand, I hate that they have to remake all the classic movies with female leads as if that somehow makes them better. On the other hand, lotion.

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There was a little girl who really loved dolls. She had a big collection of them in her bedroom.

There was a little girl who really loved dolls. She had a big collection of them in her bedroom. One day, while she was browsing through a shop on her own, she spotted a really beautiful doll. It would make a perfect addition to her collection. She only hoped she had enough money to buy it.

“...

A new jokes store opens up in town.

A kid walks in to check out the place early the next day. Looking all around, he sees that the store has several recognizable items (such as whoopie cushions) and some unique items that he'd never seen before. There was also a wall full of candy, with weird names such as "Hoot Gummies" and "Woof Bar...

Soccer is like a high school date…

It's 90 minutes of scoreless action and somehow everyone is proud of themselves.

A priest and a rabbi are having lunch.

The priest is chowing down, and says to the rabbi, "Solomon, my friend, someday, somehow, you have to figure out a way for you to try some of this absolutely wonderful Iberico ham. It is heavenly!"

The rabbi responds, "I will Father Rico, I will."

The priest sits up. "When?"

Rab...

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A jew in his deathbed...

A jew in his deathbed is surrounded by his family. He asks if the wife is there; she was. He asks if his son was there; he was. He asked if his daughter was there, and she was.

As he finds out everyone's there, he has a heart attack. His final words were:
-Why... is no one... in the shop.....

When a family's lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, the wife kept hinting to the husband that he should get it fixed, but somehow, he always had something else to take care of first - the shed, the boat, making beer...

Finally, she thought of a clever way to make her point.

When the husband arrived home one day, he found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors. The husband watched silently for a minute, went into the house and came out again with a toothbrush. ...

I honestly hate how a person who donates 1 kidney is considered a hero...

I donated 4 and I’m somehow a criminal

Schrödinger's Russian soldier is a famous physics thought experiment,

which presents a paradox in which a Russian in Ukraine is somehow simultaneously both alive and dead.

A man sat in the pub.

He had been there all day from 3 onwards. As sunset was approaching he was still there. Midnight was closing time so the bartender asked him to leave.

The man, now very, very drunk from a day of non-stop drinking, stood up and fell over flat on his face. He tried standing up again, once agai...

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A duck had sex with a chicken as the rooster watched with great excitement.

This somehow managed to created a new species, which was named after the rooster. Scientist called this species the “Cuck”.

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There was a man who recently started dating an extremely attractive woman

Soon he found out that he was required to spend 3 weeks in Hong Kong for work. He thought to himself "Damn, I'm going for 3 weeks and knowing the needs of my girlfriend, I'm sure she'll cheat on me".

He decides to go to a sex shop so that he could buy something with which his girlfriend could...

"You must be an engineer"

A man is flying solo in a hot air balloon and he discovers that he is lost. He lowers altitude until he can see a guy walking through a field.

He says to the guy, "Hey, where am I"?
The guy replies, "You are in a hot air balloon about 8 feet above farmer Jack's field."
The balloon ...

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Three men arrive in Heaven at the same time.

As they approach the Pearly Gates, Saint Peter appears before them.

"The rules are simple: to get into Heaven, first you have to tell me how you die. If I'm satisfied with your story, you can come in."

The first man steps forward.

"Imagine this. You come home to your sixth-floo...

A guy was admitted to the hospital and he fell in love with the nurse.

She used to take care of him and very nice to him. Always checking up on him and giving him extra attention compared to other patients. Therefore, the guy thought that the nurse was into him as well.

The guy was shy and couldn't ask the nurse out on date. But after he was discharged, he someh...

6 Moose

Two Irish hunters got a pilot to fly them to Canada to hunt moose. They
managed to bag 6.
As they were loading the plane to return, the pilot said the plane could
take only 4 moose.
The two lads objected strongly.
"Last year we shot six. The pilot let us take them all and he had the...

I think my wife is a time traveler

I've seen that doctors are saying you should avoid close physical contact to stop the spread of coronavirus. Somehow she knew about this years ago.

A German woman swore an oath to prepare her large field for planting using only the teachings of Lao-tsu, an ox and a pig. Local farmers call this "impossible".

# Headline:"Frau vows to plow with Tao, cow and sow... somehow."

A mute guy, a deaf guy and a drunk guy walk into a bar...

The mute guy says

“What are you guys having to drink?”

The deaf guy realizes that the mute just somehow talked and asks him

“How come you just spoke if you’re mute?”

The drunk guy starts to come to his senses about the situation that the supposed deaf guy somehow heard...

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