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Flick Jokes

Don't you hate it when you're driving along smoking a cigarette, you flick it out the window and you drive for a couple more miles and smell something funny and you look over onto the back seat and sure enough..

Grandma's fingering herself again

A knight rides on a road. Suddenly, a frog comes to him.

\- I am under a spell, - the frog says. - Kiss me, and I'll become a beautiful princess, and will be your wife and love you forever.

The knight kisses the frog and - Bamf! - it indeed turns into a princess. And the princess is so beautiful, he embraces her, takes her clothes off, makes love t...

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Give a man porn flick and he'll masturbate for a day...

... Give a man a wife and he'll masturbate for a lifetime.

What is the opposite of a chick flick?

A Rush concert.

Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.

'In honor of this holy season' Saint Peter said, 'You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven.'
The Englishman fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. 'It's a candle', he said.
'You may pass through the pearly gates' Saint Pe...

A chef at a Chinese restaurant flicked his cigarette into a pool of grease on his way out the door at the end of his shift. The restaurant burned down.

The next day the police arrested the chef and booked him on charges of wonton endangerment.

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The softcore porn flick where everyone is dressed as clocks and wristwatches FINALLY got released! I've been waiting FOREVER.

It's about fucking time.

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A sex addict, an alcoholic and a chain smoker go to a hypnotist.

The hypnotist tells all three that while under hypnosis, if they ever indulge in their vices again, they will die immediately after.

On the way back from the hypnotist, the three men are walking by a bar. The alcoholic can't help himself. He says, "Fuck it. That guy was full of shit. There's ...

A cat walks into a bar...

A cat walks into a bar and sees an empty counter. He saunters up to the bartender and asks for a shot of whiskey.

The bartender looks at the cat and says, "Rough day, huh? Maybe you should try chasing a laser pointer. That always seems to cheer me up."

The cat glances at the bartender ...

What goes from green to red at the flick of a switch?

A frog in a blender.

Sylvester Stallone, Chuck Norris and Arnold Schwarzenegger are sitting in a bar

Sylvester Stallone says, "Guys, we should make a movie with the three of us, but I'm all out of ideas at the moment, I'm kind of bored with the standard action flicks."

Chuck says, "Guys, I'm bored of doing action movies too and I've got some ideas but you may not like them."

Sylveste...

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Two statues (one nude male, one nude female) sit beside each other at the entrance of Central Park…

One day, very early in the morning, an angel comes down from heaven. He looks the statues up and down, and with a flick of his wrist, *POOF!* he turns the statues into real people.

The man and woman stare at each other in amazement, but their attention soon turns to the angel, who's quite sat...

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A construction foreman is interviewing three guys for a job.

He asks the first guy, "Can you take this hammer, throw it in the air, and catch it in your tool belt?"

The first guy says "I sure can!" and tosses the hammer 6 feet in the air. He catches it behind him right in his tool belt.

The foreman nods his head, and says to the second guy, "...

A little boy blows up his balloon and starts flicking it all around the house with his finger.

His mother tells him to stop it as he's liable to break something.

The boy continues.
"Johnny!" mom screams. "Knock it off. You're going to break something."

He stops and eventually mom leaves for a short trip to the store.

Johnny starts up with the balloon again. He gives i...

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"I flicked through one of your porn mags earlier," said my son.

"Oh my god!" I gasped. "How did you find it?!"

He said, "Pretty good, but a few of them were ugly."

Have you ever smoked a cigarette in your car, flicked it out the window then smells something a minute later...

and you turn around and your grandma is fingering herself in the back seat?

There once was a man who killed five people with a train.

He was caught and sentenced to death by the electric chair.

When asked what his last meal was, he asked for a banana.

When they flicked the switch, nothing happened.

They believed that the man survived by god and then let him go.

The man then went on to kill six more peop...

A cop is waiting outside the bar at closing time

He knows its easy pickings for DUI's as the bar closes. Sure enough, right at 2am, a man stumbles out to his car. The cop watches as he fumbles to get his keys out, struggles to unlock and open the door, and drops the keys repeatedly before finally getting them in the ignition and starting the car...

Too Shy!!!

During her annual checkup, the well-constructed miss was asked to disrobe and climb onto the examining table.

"Doctor," she replied shyly, "I just can't undress in front of you."

"All right," said the physician, "I'll flick off the lights. You undress and tell me when you're through....

I am about to compete in the, flicking a ruler off the side of a desk, competition ...

It's held annually in France, in the Dordogne.

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At school PE was my favorite class, probably cause I had the biggest cock. I used to stroll around the changing room naked, flicking kids with my towel, laughing at their little knobs...

Looking back I think that's probably why I had to leave teaching.

Police patrol in the Outback

Recently a routine police patrol was parked outside a bar in the Outback.

After last call, the officer noticed a man leaving the bar so apparently intoxicated that he could barely walk.

The man stumbled around the parking lot for a few minutes, with the officer quietly observing.
...

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Two guys are captured by a group of barbarians...

Two guys are captured by a group of barbarians, and the barbarian leader says: "We will offer you two options: first option: you die. Second option: our strongest warrior will flick your dick 100 times."

Without hesitation, one of the captured says: "I'll get the dick flicking option, I don't...

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[nsfw] Totally legit, but you can use a joke if you want to.

**Scene:** I was living in an apartment complex where all the bedroom windows faced into a small courtyard of sorts, walled on three sides with 3 stories of bedroom windows. None of the apartments in this complex have air-conditioning. It's close to midnight, December in Sydney AUS, it's a hot humid...

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An American, an Englishman, and an Irishman walk into a bar. Each one orders a pint. Three flies land, one on each glass.

The American gags and pushes his drink away. The Englishman shrugs, flicks the fly away, and drinks the beer. The Irishman picks up the fly, shakes it up and down, and shouts, "Spit it out, fucker!"

For years poor Lawrence applied for Hogwarts, and year after year they turned him down.

Finally after working his tail off to submit his latest and greatest application, he was climbing the walls with anxiety. He went to see Hagrid. "What do you think my chances are, Hagrid?"

Hagrid looked at him with pity in his eyes. "They aren't good." Said Hagrid. "Why not?" Lawrence asked,...

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A husband and wife lay in bed watching tv together

with the remote in his hand, he continuously flicks between 2 channels. one features men fishing while the other contains a lot of sex scenes.

after watching one for about a minute, he flicks back to the other. the wife, who is now annoyed with his indecisiveness, demands that he choose one s...

A Politician Dies And Has To Spend Just ONE Day In Hell

A politician dies and ends up standing in front of the pearly gates. Saint Peter looks at him for a second, flicks through his book, and finds his name.

"So, you're a politician..."

"Well, yes, is that a problem?"

"Oh no, no problem. But we've recently adopted a new system for p...

My parents saw me pirating movies and asked if I ever use Netflix.

I said, of course, I always usenet flicks!

A man rushes home late from work, slams the door open and plops himself down on the sofa. He turns on the tv and looks at his wife “quick” he says “get me a beer and some food before it starts!”

The wife gets up slowly looking startled but slightly excited. She wanders into the kitchen and comes back quickly with a beer and some food for her husband.

The man gulps down the beer and looks back to his wife “quick!” He says “get me another beer before it starts!” The man goes back to fl...

The world's greatest swordsman

A young man climbs a mountain to a ledge, where there sits an old man with a sword in his lap. The young man says, "I seek the greatest swordsman in the world."

Without a word, the old man draws his sword and flicks it in the air at a passing fly. The fly falls to the ground in two pieces....

A boy selling newspapers on the street

Keeps walking around the streets with newspapers while waving one around and shouting: Mass fraud! Mass fraud! One hundred people have been fooled! Mass fraud! One hundred people have been fooled!

One guy quickly runs to the boy and buys a newspaper. as soon as he has it in his hand he starts...

Just realized that you do the same thing to women and light switches when they’re turned on

You flick em off

It's time to go to war!

Two armies at war. Red v Blue (let's say).. the Blue army Master Sergeant comes up to the First Sergeant.

MS: "Sir! We are completely out of weapons and ammo. What are we going to do when Red attacks tomorrow?"

FS: "Well.. (He ponders for a sec) When you see them come over the hill, go...

Two polar bear bros are chilling out on Greenland

They are getting a bit bored. But then suddenly one of them have an idea:

Polar bear 1 flicks the ear of Polar bear 2 and runs away while yelling: "you're too slow, you can't catch me!"

Polar bear 2 gets annoyed and starts running after Polar bear 1.

Polar bear 1 keeps running a...

Three men and the Fly that fell in the Scotch they were drinking

A Frenchman, a German and an Irishman were drinking Scotch. Suddenly a fly fell into each man's drink. The Frenchman says, “ I cannot drink this!” The German flicks the fly out and downs his drink. The Irishman reaches into the glass, grabs the fly, turns it upside down over his drink and yells at t...

A guy walks into a pet shop looking to get his girl a bird for Christmas.

The shop owner tells him that he’s in luck and a rare singing parrot just came in. He explains that the parrot is trained to sing when exposed to heat. The shop owner then flicks a lighter and puts the flame underneath the bird’s left foot. The parrot begins to sing: “Jingle bells, jingle bells, jin...

Two witches were arguing about who was the better witch

One rainy day inside the coven HQ, Meredith and Wendy were arguing about who was the better witch.

"I'm the superior spellcaster", boasted Meredith. She raised her wand into the air, and conjured up a small cloud. It snowed over Wendy's head, dropping hailstones the size of marbles.

"...

A man is sitting at home…

when he hears a knock at his door. He opens the door and there’s no one there- cranes his neck to look and see if anyone is hiding he looks left and right- nothing.
As he’s about to close the door- he looks down and sees a snail. He shrugs his shoulders and flicks the snail across his yard.
...

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Husband comes back from the business trip early to surprise his wife

However his wife has a surprise of her own as she is busy with someine else in the bedroom. As soon as he enters the house and announces "surprise, I am home honey"

she gets scared shitless and hides the guy in wardrobe(closet?). while doing that his nuts are stuck in the door and are left ha...

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Girlfriend got pulled over by the police today...

My Girlfriend got pulled over today when she was trying to flick her cigarette butt out the window. As she flicked it, it went up the side of her arm and actually lit her arm hair on fire.

Police charged her with possession of an unlicensed firearm.

A man was eating cookies at the park.

While eating his last cookie out of the bunch, he was approached by an old lady. She was putting her hands out, gesturing if she could have his last cookie. The man broke the cookie in two and gave the old lady half of the cookie.

With a single bite, a bright light flashed and the old lady t...

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Two men are walking through the woods when suddenly voices ring out from the trees.

"You call those muscles?" "I bet your grandma is stronger than you" "I could beat you with one flick"

One of the men shouted into the woods, "Oh yeah? You wanna fight? Show yourself cowards!"

His friend laughed and said, "Just ignore them, those are just the Shit-talking mushrooms."

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An Englishman, a Scot and an Irishman walked in to a bar...

They each ordered a pint of beer. As the bartender served them up, a fly landed in each glass.

The Englishman looked down upon his glass and said "Pardon me, bartender, but there appears to be a fly in my beer. Perhaps might I have another?"

The Scot looks at the fly, flicks it off t...

A large semiaquatic rodent with webbed hind feet and a broad flat tail walks into a bar carrying a hammer and screwdriver.

He starts working on various wobbly bar stools, wonky tables, stuck doors, sagging rails and so on, fixing misalignments and straightening everything up, all the while humming and singing under his breath.

After several minutes of careful work to get everything straight and level he finishes...

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Three men die in a car crash on Christmas Eve...

When they get to the pearly gates, St. Peter is there to greet them.

"Welcome to Heaven!" exclaimed St. Peter, "Since this is Christmas time there is a special rule for getting in - you must have an ordinary object with you that you can interpret to represent Christmas."

The first man ...

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A man was driving on the freeway when he saw a sign that said "Whistle Blowjobs - 10 miles"

" whistle blowjobs?" He thought to himself, wondering what that was all about.

"They suck your dick while they whistle? That's impossible!"

Then he passed another sign: "Whistle Blowjobs - 5 miles"

And another: "Whistle Blowjobs - 1 mile"

At this time he was so curious...

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Rednecks at the Pearly Gates

Three rednecks in Arkansas are out drinking and four wheeling on Christmas Eve. They get drunk as a skunk, hit a tree, and all die and immediately go to heaven.

Saint Peter meets them at the Pearly Gates and tells them that unless they have something on their person that can correspond to the...

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The Cunnilingus Frog.

A woman went into a pet shop and was browsing, looking at the various animals, when she came to a tank with a large frog in it, and the sign 'Cunnilingus Frog'.
She waved to the shopkeeper to come over, and asked him why it was called that.
"I'll show you" he said, and produced a jar containin...

Engineer and an Academic on a plane

An engineer is getting an 8 hour business flight and next to him sits an academic. The engineer is tired and had a crammed week of line side meetings, design meeting, improvement meetings etc. he just wants to get some sleep as its a night flight and he is back in the office in the morning, so forms...

A guy goes in to a brothel with only a few pennies in his pocket...

He walks up to the Madame and handing her the coins asks "Who can I get for this?". Taking the money the Madame says "Go see the girl in room 23."

Walking up the stairs the guy thinks "What kind of monster am I gonna find for such little money??".

But as he enters the room he see a gor...

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A Guy Goes to the Doctor

A man goes to see the doctor and tells the doc that his penis has turned orange.

The doctor looks at it and says, “I haven’t ever seen any thing like this before in my entire medical career. What do you do for a living? Do you work around any hazardous materials?” The man says no.

The ...

A thief

A thief climbs in through a ground floor window one night and starts looking for valuables in the sitting room when suddenly he heard a voice say "Jesus is watching you. " he shows hi flashlight around the room but upon seeing nothing continues his search. A few minutes later he heard the same voice...

the longest, most infuriating joke ever

One day a man decides that he wants to become a monk, so he goes to the local monastery and talks to the head monk the monk agrees to give him a tour of the monastery. During the tour they pass a corridor with a strange sound coming from the far end. The guy asks the monk what the sound is.

"...

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