UPJOKE
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A farmer moved into town

After getting settled in the new town, a farmer went to church for the first time. He found that the people in the church gossiped and shunned him for his poor appearance. After the service, the preacher went to the farmer and told him that "In this town, we get dressed up for church."
"But I...

What do you call a humble miner?

A really down to earth person

Growing up really humbles you.

I always dreamed of a big fancy sports car but now I'm okay with whichever runs me over.

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What can humble any man in the world without it, but when in possession is always treated like crap?

A roll of toilet paper...

Headline: Cumberbatch lumber hatch rumble match and humble thatch.

Press Release:

An academy award nominated actor kicked in his neighbor's woodshed door and started a fist fight. Afterward, the actor apologized and assisted in repairs of the shed's damaged grass roof.

i got an award for being humble.

I obviously didnt accept it.

A perfectly triangular lake has 3 kingdoms on its 3 sides

A perfectly triangular lake has 3 kingdoms on its 3 sides. The first kingdom is rich and powerful, filled with wealthy, prosperous people, the second is more humble, but has its fair share of wealth and power. The third kingdom is struggling and poor, and barely has an army.


The kingdoms ...

I’m good at everything except being humble

Because I’m great at it

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A married couple was on holiday in a remote part of the Arab country side. They were touring around the marketplace looking at the goods and such, when they passed a small sandal shop. From inside they heard a gentleman with an Arabian accent say, "You foreigners! Come in. Come into my humble shop."

So the couple walked in and the shopkeeper says to them, "I have some special sandals I think you would be interested in. They have special power. Dey make you wild at sex like a great desert camel." Well, the wife was really interested in buying the sandals after what the shopkeeper claimed, but he...

Why was the cannibal lion so humble?

He swallowed his pride.

A lot of people are pretty upset about "fat shaming" jokes these days

Maybe they need to lighten up

I purchased a humble potato gun the other day.

Turned out it was a weapon of mashed destruction.

I'm not humble

My friends say I'm humble because I never show off

That is just cause I'm not good at anything

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There are no humble train engineers.

Those cocky bastards are always tooting their own horn.

I’m very successful but I have my humble upbringing to thank

For example my father was just a blue collar road worker...but he really paved the way

A rabbi, a Hindu, and a lawyer are in a car that breaks down in the countryside one evening.

They walk to a nearby farm and the farmer tells them it’s too late for a tow truck but he has only two extra beds and one of them will have to sleep in the barn. The Hindu says, “I’m humble, I’ll sleep in the barn.” But minutes later he returns and knocks on the door and says, “There is a cow in the...

A charity worker learnt that there was a rich man who had never donated anything

So this worker went to the rich man's office, and tried to convince him to give to charity.

The rich man folded his arms and replied angrily. "Did you know my sister's husband passed away suddenly? And left behind 4 children for her to raise by herself?"

The charity worker was surprise...

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A humble farmer goes out to his mailbox, seeing that a letter has arrived.

"Dear Ronald J. Kse,
This year we have chosen you to be the host of this year's harvest reap! All you need to do is provide your humble farm as the place of the party, and we will all provide.
Thanks, your neighbors"
Now, Ronald had really enjoyed last year's party, so he was delighted to b...

I’m a humble person, really!

I’m actually much greater than I think I am.

Dead people in graves are the most humble.

Because they're down to earth.

Stay humble my friend

There once was a man who that grew up humbly, on an island. As he aged, he remained in the same grass hut he built in his youth. He expanded his home through the years, but lived humbly. He only had one vice. He liked purchasing items that belonged to royalty, in particular, thrones. He purchase...

Three people die and appear before Buddha

Stunned by the divine presence before them, they lower their heads.

-Raise your heads. You were humble in life and your deeds were praiseworthy. You have earned the right to a reincarnation of your choice. You have much to accomplish yet though.

One of the people takes a step forward a...

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Classic Catholic Joke, “The Son of a Bitch”

I’ve been Catholic all of my life, and this is one of my favorite jokes of all time.

One of the parish priests from the Cathedral went on a fishing trip. On the last day of his trip he hooked a monster fish & proceeded to reel it in.

The guide, holding a net, yelled, "Look at the ...

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As a humble American citizen, I opened the door for an elderly Japanese man the other day...

As he entered, he smiled at me and said "Sank you!" so I punched him. He shouldn't have brought up Pearl Harbor like that.

My late grandpa used to hate looking in the mirror

Humble man, terrible driver

A lawyer is driving home one evening

When he spots a man at the side of the road, eating the grass on the verge. He stops and asks the man what he is doing. The man says “I am so poor that my family and I cannot afford food and so we eat grass to survive”. The lawyer is horrified and says “that’s terrible! Look, I’m on my way home; gra...

I'm quite a humble person but I'm not proud of that.

That's what I'm proud of.

Have you heard about the humble farmer?

He's a grower, not a shower.

There once was a humble florist living in a small town...

He would sell his beautiful flowers to the townspeople every day. One day, some friars moved into the nearby, previously empty abbey. These friars, however, grew their own beautiful flowers to sell to pay for their expenses, and these flowers were grown in such abundance and sold so much that the fl...

An Easter joke.

A priest was arguing with a rabbi.

"What is great in our religion", says the priest, "is that there is room for advancement. A humble village priest can become a bishop, an archbishop, a cardinal, who knows?, maybe even the Pope!"

The rabbi answers: "What about the Almighty? Can he bec...

A priest had been very loyal and humble his entire life and began earnestly speaking out loud to God.

He said, "Lord, I've been good and have followed your word, and I expect nothing in return, but if you feel gracious enough, I have a request."
A blinding shiny light appeared before the priest and before him stood God. "What is it I can do for you my child?" He asked terrifyingly.
"God, I've ...

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When Drake gets cocky, he calls me so I can hit him with a one-liner insult to keep him humble...

I’m his Hotline Zing!

Sherlock Holmes was always reluctant to take credit for solving a mystery

Oh it was nothing, he would say. The police would have solved it in time.

Everyone knew he was just being modest. Be he ever so humble, there's no Police like Holmes.

When Bigfoot made love to Scarlett Johansson we expected him to brag about it.

Yeti remained humble.

A group of monks are responsible for hand-making new copies of the bible...

The entire monastery is devoted to the task, each day they all wake up and say their prayers before a humble breakfast and then they begin work. On the anniversary of creating his thousandth copy of the bible since he first joined the monastery two decades ago, brother Gray asks the abbot if he coul...

A priest is driving home

When suddenly his car breaks down, and he must go ask the local farmer for a horse. The farmer obliges, but says that this is a HOLY horse, so you had to say "Praise the Lord" to make it go, and "Amen" to make it stop.

The priest says okay. So he starts off. About a mile down the road, the ho...

A North Korean farmer is finally rewarded after fifty years of hard labour for the State

A party official visits the farmer in his simple living quarters and proclaims

"Comrade, for your hard work and absolute dedication to the great leader and the Democratic People's Republic, we would like to reward you with a car"

The humble farmer nods silently to show his appreciatio...

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What do you call a brand new Baby Yoda buttplug?

A **Toy Yoda Pre-Ass.**

I came up with this in a hot parking lot and it just stuck in my brain.

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A man is suffering from the worst headaches...

From about age 14, a man has been getting more and more intense headaches. They started mildly annoying, but have been consistently getting worse month after month, year after year.

Finally, after about 7 years of troublesome headaches turning into bothersome headaches, turning into debilita...

What do you say to someone when they walk in on you while you’re on your gold-plated toilet?

Welcome to my humble commode.

What be thou name sir knight?

Lost, King Arthur rode through a humble village on his way back from a quest. He finally came across a somewhat weathly looking man in the road and thought he'd perhaps give him directions.

Arthur:
"Sir Knight, what be thoust name?"

Man:
"Cumcisor... "
"Sir Cumcisor"
"An...

Three americans are competing to paint a foreign flag on a white sheet of canvas ...

The three are given only 30 minutes to complete their assignment.

The first student decides to paint Germany's flag, the second will paint the United Kingdom's, and the third Hungary's.

The first and second are already making good progress. The third's about to take his first brush str...

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Missed it

A priest is walking along the countryside when he comes across a young man near a Mango tree trying to drop some mangoes.

The young man would pick up a stone, take aim and throw it but alas his aim was bad and he missed all the time.

The priest watching this stops to observe.

Th...

Humpty Dumpty had a great fall

Humpty Dumpty should learn to be a little humble

The Illiterate Farmer

A group of learned professors chose to spend a relaxing vacation at a remote farm - far from the maddening crowd of the city they lived in.

Their host was a simple farmer who had never seen the inside of a school.

The professors were astonished to see the order and discipline by which ...

A Rabbi gets a message from God to travel and ...

Spread his message. So the Rabbi sets out on his donkey and after many day and nights he sees a signpost that says

"TRIDIA 100 miles"

The Rabbi had never heard of this place before so he decided to go there. As he got closer to the town he heard loud thumps in the distance. As he got ...

The old man and Pagliacci

An old man deep in despair went to see his favorite comedian, the great clown Pagliacci.

After the show, the old man made his way backstage and found Pagliacci.

“Pagliacci,” the old man said. “I have always admired your work, and your set tonight was magnificent.”

“I’m humbled, ...

Donner Party.

Here's a rare treat....an original joke

At work I was talking with a client who brought up the Donner Party and asked if i knew who the were. I replied that yes, I did. They were the group snowbound in the mountains in the 1800s and turned to cannabalism.
I added that they were supposedly...

Ole and Sven grabbed their poles and headed out to do some ice fishing.

As they were augering a hole in the ice they heard a loud voice from above say, "There are no fish under the ice." Ole and Sven moved about 25 feet over and started to make another hole. The voice said a little stronger, "There are no fish under the ice." They both looked around and then looked up. ...

A UFO landed in the Vatican and the friendly Aliens where greeted by the pope

Pope: What a great honour having the first sign of foreign life in the Univers visiting my humble home. Now, let me tell you about our saviour and king in heaven, Jesus Christ, who saved us all and currently we await his return to us.

Alien Leader: Jesus Christ you say? Long hair, beard, alwa...

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Jesus arrives at the last supper...

...he walks in and sees a mad party - alcohol, hookers, tables bending under the weight of the food and music thumping. He asks Peter: "what the fuck, Pete?! This was supposed to be a humble going-away dinner; where did you get the cash for all this?!" Peter replies: "I don't know; Judas sold someth...

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"Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking"

"Our aircraft has reached its designated altitude, you may now unfasten your seatbelts. Our flight attendants will be serving drinks in five minutes. The expected flight duration is four hours and ten minutes, our current speed is AAAAH, OH FUCK, NONONONONO, HOLY SHIT, OH MY GOD!!!"

The inter...

A man goes into a church

He kneels down and starts praying like he's been doing for many years.

Man: Dear God, I've never asked for much and I've been devoted to you all my life. I'm your humble servant and I have a question.

The church starts trembling, the walls are shaking when a deep voice arises.

G...

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A wealthy snob walks into a bar

The snob asks the bartender for a 12-year-old Scotch. The bartender serves him, but the snob spits it out. "Hey, what are you trying to pull? I know my scotch, and this isn't 12-year-old, it's 5-year old!"

The bartender apologizes "Sorry, sir, we really don't have much demand here for 12 y...

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A man walked into his doctor's office...

...complaining that he thinks he might have a tapeworm. The doctor made a physical examination and listened to the symptoms, and concurred with the self-diagnosis.

"I want you to come back tomorrow to start treatment. And bring an apple, and an orange and a Mars Bar" said the doctor.

D...

Cold War Era Joke: The chairman of the Communist party decides to go check how his fellow comrades are doing. He walks into a dreadful cinema and sits down. Before the movie starts, there is 15 minutes of communist propaganda, with him giving a boring speech at the end. Everyone stands up and

Starts clapping and cheering enthusiastically.

The chairman is so humbled and stays seated, soaking in the love.

A few minutes into the cheering the guy on his left bends over and whispers directly in his ear.

"Comrade, I know how you feel, but if don't want to be sent to Siberi...

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The pope decided to kick out all the Jews from Italy

So one day the pope decided to kick out all the Jews in Italy, and of course the Jews had a thing or two to say about that.

After much uproar the pope relented and said "take 3 days to find your most wisest rabbi and he and I will have a silent battle of knowledge. If I win you leave, if you ...

A Blonde girl is going door to door trying to earn money for college.

She comes to one guy's house and rings the doorbell.

"Yes?" the man answers.

"Hi there!" greets the blonde happily. "I'm trying to earn money for college. Do you have any jobs around the house you need done?"

The guy smiles. "Sorry, sweetheart, not really. I was gonna paint th...

I just found out Pride is one of the seven sins.

Good thing I'm so amazingly humble.

So this guy goes to his pharmacist to pick up his medicines.

At the pharmacist he starts having a breakdown. A little concerned about the man, the pharmacist asks him what's the matter? The man cries out that no one has ever liked any of his social media posts. The pharmacist takes a look at all his gloomy pics and suggests that he should smile more and look ...

Once upon a time, there was a triangular lake.

On each side of this lake there was a kingdom. Kingdom 1 was rich and proud. They showed off their wealth at every corner. Kingdom two was wealthy as well, but was humble about it. Kingdom 3 was in great debt, and was struggling to keep their citizens alive.

One day, the kingdoms started a wa...

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Two conspiracy theorists are flying on a plane to a convention when it crashes.

They find themselves before God and tell him "We are but humble men, and for all our life we have sought the truth. You are all-knowing, so you know all the answers."

"What is your question?"

"We would really like to know who was really behind the 9/11".

"Osama bin Laden and the...

The Monk and The Cow

A humble monk sits at the peak of a hill that overlooks where the grassy Earth meets a river, and the river flows with the breeze, and the breeze explores a mountain range, and the mountains neighbor the sky, and the sky conceals the entire universe, hiding the unknown in plain sight. Softly, the mo...

'One day, in ancient Egypt, Bastet went to her temple for a meal, but found that her priests were late.'

'She was quite annoyed, but they had served her well for many years, so when one of her priests arrived, she gave him the opportunity to explain himself.

'"Oh, great Bastet, please show mercy on us, your humble servants! A stranger with a strange god has come and is making demands of the Pha...

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Going home from the pub

Joseph and Diarmid are drinking in a pub having a fine old time when the proprietor calls for last round.

Joseph looks up and says. "Well, I'll be havin a last Guiness and then I'll sneak home."

"Sneak home?" Asks Diarmid. "What are you on about?"

"Well, you know how it go...

So I told my wife I'm buying a new car...

Me: So sick of my car. I'm sellin it & buying a Honda—like Jesus

Wife: Jesus didnt have a Honda🤔

M: He was just humble about it

W: No he wasnt—b/c he didnt have a Honda

M: Really?? Then why’d Jesus say in John 12:49, "For I did not speak of my own Accord."

😅

Thanks alot Kendrick Lamar!!!

Now whenever I tell my kids to "Sit Down!" when they are acting up in public, they reply with "Be Humble!"

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The Horny Hare and The Bear

In a forest a deer is drowning, the Hare and the Bear jump into the lake and save the deer. The deer transforms into a fairy and gives both three wishes.

The Hare, who is a womanizer, wishes that all hares in the forest are female. The Hare begins to screw its way through the forest.
...

I don't know why people call me arrogant

I'm the most humble guy in the world

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Harry the horse

Once upon a time, in a quaint little village nestled between rolling green hills, there lived a horse named Harry. Now, Harry was no ordinary horse; he possessed an uncanny ability to make the most mundane situations utterly hilarious. His knack for comedy made him the talk of the town, and villager...

A King is thirsty

During a royal party, the king finds himself parched.

Rather than ask one of his many servants for a beverage, he thinks back to his more humble years, when he would fetch things for himself.

The king decides he will get up and get the drink himself.
As he approaches the concessions...

Before John was a traveling salesmen

Before John was a traveling salesman he worked door to door on foot. He actually came from an upper middle class family but had a healthy work ethic and a humble yet dull nature from aristocratic inbreeding a few generations back..

It was his birthday and his eccentric mother had told John he...

A local monastery decides to test the competence of its nuns.

In an attempt to determine if the nuns at the local monastery are qualified to perform their sisterly duties, the monastery decides to hand out exams.

The majority of the sisters score well but one in particular, sister Encarnacion does outstandingly well.

In an attempt to preserve v...

There was this musician in North Korea…

One day he was called upon Kim Jong-Un himself to compose a piece of music and have the great North Korean orchestra play it to him in the humble auditorium.

The man, not wanting to displease the Great Leader, did as he asked.
The big night arrived with the musician stood at the fron...

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