A man and a woman argue over the custody of their child. The woman screams, "The child is mine! I birthed him from my own flesh and blood and carried him through labour! All you did was screw me, you don't deserve him!"

The man calmly replies, "Tell me, if I put ten cents in a vending machine and a drink pops out, does it belong to me or the vending machine?"

I’m going to hell for this.

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A man screams at his tv: “You fucking idiot don’t walk into that church!!”

His wife comes Into the room and asks him what he’s watching.

The man responds: “Our wedding tape”

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How do you make your wife scream when you are having sex?

Call her while your banging her sister

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He was in ecstasy, with a smile on his face, As his girlfriend moved forwards then backwards..... forwards then backwards..... back and forth.. In and out.. in and out.. Her heart was pounding faster, her face was getting flush & she started to grunt and groan Then she let out one almighty scream!!!

"I can't park this fucking car! you do it you smug bastard'!

My wife screamed "you haven't listened to a single word I've said, have you?!"

What a weird way to start a conversation

A student fell asleep in class so the teacher kicked him. "WTF!" the student screamed.

"You have been kicked due to inactivity."

You scream in a Library and everyone looks at you funny.

But you scream in an airplane and everyone joins in.

So I was at the bar last night and a waitress screamed, "Does anyone know CPR?"

I said, "hell, I know the entire alphabet!"

Everyone laughed.... well, everyone except one guy.

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“I can’t believe that you’ve been visiting prostitutes for sex,” my wife screamed at me. “I’m really disappointed.”

“You can hardly blame me,” I answered. “It’s not like I was getting any from you.”

“Well, that’s your own fault,” she replied. “You never told me you were willing to pay for it.”

My maths teacher screamed at me for my math average

How mean!

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What’s 12 inches long, rock hard, full of semen and makes all the girls scream?

The crusty sock under my bed!

A drunk man staggers into an empty church. He looks right. He looks left. When he spots the big crucifix in the middle, he makes his way down the center aisle, muttering under his breath. Finally, when he's right underneath it, he waves his bottle around and starts screaming at it.

"YOU! S'all YOUR fuggin' fault!" he screams. "I los' ma job, ma wife lef' me, ma kids ran 'way, and today ma dog died! Jus' you wait! I'ma come back with ma shotgun and give ya what for!"

And then he leaves, cursing and shouting all the way.

Meanwhile, the priest has been hiding in the...

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The woman next to me on the roller coaster wouldn’t stop screaming.

It’s like she has never seen a penis before.

Why did the locomotive scream when it looked back?

It was a freight of cargo.

One day at my house I heard my mum scream...

I went into the room and said "whats happened", she points at this tiny spider and says "take that god damn spider out". So I did...... we went to a bar, a pub and smoked a joint. Nice guy actually he has 2 kids and a wife.... oh yeah he works as web developer too!

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A man walks into a bar. Slams his hand on the bar and screams "All lawyers are assholes!"....

Angrily, another patron gets up and yells back "Watch your mouth! That is offensive to me!"

The first man responds and laughs "Are you upset because I called you an asshole???!!!"

The angry patron says "No! I'm offended you compared me to a lawyer!"

What's black and screams?

Stevie Wonder answering the iron.

"It's a boy!", He screamed, running out of the room,

And vowed never to visit Thailand again.

What did the Hobbits scream as they were riding the Ents into battle against Isengard?

Run, Forest, run!

I was carving the Thanksgiving turkey and cut my hand. My not so bright brother-in-law ran over and grabbed the bloody wound with his fingers and started twisting it. I screamed “Ouch!! What the hell are you doing!”

He replied, “I’m applying a turn-a-cut”

There’s a man trying to cross the street. As he steps off the curb a car comes screaming around the corner and heads straight for him.

The man walks faster, trying to hurry across the street, but the car changes lanes and is still coming at him.


So the guy turns around to go back, but the car changes lanes again and is still coming at him. By now, the car is so close and the man so scared that he just freezes and stops...

What did the janitor scream as he jumped out of the closet?

SUPPLIES!

The lego taxi driver kept screaming

His passengers kept telling him to step on it.

My wife screamed in delight when her new shoes arrived sooner than expected

I thought she didn't like it when things came early...

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How do you keep you wife screaming after sex?

Wipe yourself off on her new curtains

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Saw my dwarf neighbour at the bus stop this morning... So I stopped and said jump in i will give you a lift... "FUCK OFF" he screamed at me....

What an ungrateful bastard, I thought as i zipped up my backpack and continued walking.

A woman starts to scream while giving birth.



"What's wrong, honey?" her husband asks.

"What's wrong?!?" the woman shouts, "THESE CONTRACTIONS ARE GOING TO BE THE DEATH OF ME!"

"Sorry babe. What is wrong?"

"Give it to me! Give it to me!" she yelled, "I'm so wet, give it to me now!" She could scream all she wanted to.

I was keeping the umbrella.

How do batteries scream?

AAA

A man rushes into the doctors' office and screams, "Doctor, Doctor! I swallowed one of those 'do not eat' packets in a bag of pepperoni! Am I going to die?" The doctor tries to relax him by saying, "Well, everyone is going to die eventually."

The man shrieks and responds, "Everyone?! Oh lord, what have I done?"

The smell of burning flesh, the screams of children

Summertime bbqs are the best

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Pinnochio giving his girlfriend cunnilingus, and she's screaming, for gods sake lie to me, LIE TO ME you wooden bastard.

Pinnochio says "I love you, I'd never cheat on you"

It was at this point his girlfriend was extremely conflicted...

A lady golfer is seen running back into the clubhouse screaming “I’ve just been stung by a bee!” ...

“Where?” someone asks
“Between the 1st and the 2nd holes” she screams.
“Ohhh! I think your stance may have been a little wide” an instructor tells her.

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[NSFW] A doctor is giving a tour of a local hospital

One day a public health official goes to visit a local hospital. The doctor is giving them a tour around the hospital, bragging about what an outstanding reputation it has. He claims that they are the leading hospital in treating rare disorders and afflictions.

As the doctor and visitor pass ...

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How to make a woman scream long after the intercourse?

Wipe your dick in the curtains

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My wife packed my bags and kicked me out of the house.

As I walked out the front door, she screamed,
"I wish you a slow and painful death, you bastard!"
"Oh," I replied, "so now you want me to stay!"

My grandfather didn't die screaming. He died peacefully in his sleep.

Quite unlike the passengers of the bus he was driving.

My wife stormed into the pub last night as me and the boys were downing shots of Tequila.

“You’re coming home now!” she screamed.

“No, I’m not,” I laughed.

She said, “I’m talking to the kids.”

My girlfriend packed my bags today after finding out that I had a one night stand with another woman. "I want you to go!" she screamed. "Please, can we just talk about it first?" I begged. "Go on, I'm listening." she replied.

I sat down and continued, "It was the most amazing experience of my entire life..."

My girlfriend just screamed at me for tickling my child's feet

She said something about 'waiting until they're born'

A burglar breaks into a home and is caught by the homeowner. "WAIT, DON'T SHOOT ME, PLEASE!" the burglar screamed. The homeowner said,

"Relax, I'm Canadian, the wife is upstairs, flat screen is downstairs."

An atheist in hell

An Athiest in hell



An atheist dies and goes to hell

The devil welcomes him and says:"Let me show you around a little bit." They walk through a nice park with green trees and the devil shows him a huge palace. "This is your house now, here are your keys." The man is happy and th...

What's something that screams "I'm so alone, and I just want friends?"

Me.

The big bad wolf had converted to Buddhism. There was peace in the forest. Suddenly. SCREAMS.

A bystander asked the running animals, "What's happened now?"

"The big bad wolf," a goat said, "is meditating."

"So?" said the bystander, "Isn't that a good thing...?"

"Noooo!" the goat bleated.

"It's become aware wolf!"

It's 1976 and a man walks onto the Red Square and screams "Brezhnev is a idiot!" He is immediately arrested and given 15 years in prison

5 for sedition

10 for revealing a state secret

A heartless drill instructor screamed at his platoon for over an hour.

He got in the face of a private and yelled, “I bet when I die you’ll show up at my grave and spit on it!”

“Not me,” the private said. “After I get out of the army I’m never standing in a line again.”

A husband and wife are sitting on the couch watching a movie, the wife looks over at the husband and says "i bet you can't make me scream with only two fingers"

So he pokes her in the eyes

I scream, you scream...

The police come, it gets awkward.

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My wife caught me with a sock on my cock. "What are you doing? That's not a foot, you dirty bastard!" she screamed.

"It's damn near 11 inches!" I yelled back.

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I was having sex with my wife last night...

I was having sex with my wife last night when she suddenly yelled, “Dave! Get your cock out of my arse!”

“Just relax.” I said, “You might like it.”

“Relax?” she screamed, “What the fuck is Dave doing here?”

A panda walks into a bar. Orders a meal and quietly eats it. When the bartender comes with the check, the panda pulls out a shotgun, shoots the bartender, and prepares to leave the bar. The bartender, on his last breath, screams “Why?!”

The panda pulls out a dictionary, points to the entry on pandas, which reads:
Panda (n.) – Eats shoots and leaves.

Can you please stop playing Oasis screamed my wife.

I said maybe.

As I got older, I’ve developed this embarrassing habit of screaming loudly during my proctology exams.

It makes my patients feel really uncomfortable.

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Little johnny wakes up one night hearing noises from his parents bedroom

He opens the door to his parents room and sees mom, handcuffed to the bed's headboard, dad ramming her from behind. Johnny screams. Dad turns to looks at him, laughs and gives mom a slap on the bum for good measure. Johnny runs away, screaming. Once dad has finished mom off, he uncuffs her. She imme...

A professor, a CEO, and a janitor are in a forest when they discover a magic fairy.

The fairy says “I will give you what you most desire if you do someone else’s job for a day.”

The professor says “I’ll be an elementary school teacher. What can be so hard about teaching a bunch of 6-year-olds how to read?” so he is teleported into a classroom. After a few minutes, all the ki...

There was a man named Walter and his Wife Ethel

Walter took Ethel to the state fair every year, and every time he would say to her, "Ethel, you know that I'd love to go for a ride in that helicopter." But Ethel would always reply, "I know that Walter, but that helicopter ride is 50 dollars and 50 dollars is 50 dollars."

Finally, they went...

Why didn't Helen Keller scream when she fell of a cliff?

Because she was wearing her mittens.

A convict finally escaped prison after digging a tunnel in his cell for years

He resurfaces in a kindergarten playground with children playing and no cops in sight. He could barely contain his excitement and screams, "I'm Free! I'M FREE!" A kid next to him looks at him and says, "So what? I'm four"

A politician dies...

And ends up standing in front of the pearly gates. Saint Peter looks at him for a second, flicks through his book, and finds his name.

"So, you're a politician..." "Well, yes, is that a problem?" "Oh no, no problem. But we've recently adopted a new system for people in your line of work, and ...

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My nieghbour started shouting and screaming about me stealing clothes off her line...

I was so scared, I almost crapped her pants.

What is black and hairy and runs around the back yard screaming?

A baby covered in funnel web spiders

Fed up with with the prices at the grocery store, a housewife finds the nearest employee and screams " YOU CAN TAKE THIS $12 PINEAPPLE, AND SHOVE IT UP YOUR ASS!"

The grocery clerk said "I'm sorry Ma'am but I can't. I already have an $18 chicken, a $6 gallon of milk, and 3 avocados up there"

If trees could scream would we still cut them down?

We might, if they did it all the time for no good reason.

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The FBI had an open position for an assassin...

After all the background checks, interviews and testing were completed, they had narrowed the field down to 3 possible agents. For the final test, the FBI agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. 'We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the ci...

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A pretty blonde walks into a bar and asks the handsome fellow at the bar what he's drinking...

He says, "Magic beer. You want one?"
"Aw, that's stupid. There's no such thing" she says.
"Look, I'll show you". He takes a big swig and proceeds to throw himself  out of a nearby window, where he proceeds to fly up and around the  building, and back into bar window.
"That's incredibl...

A 15 year old boy comes home with a Porsche

His parents began to yell and scream. “Where did you get that car?”

He calmly told them, “I bought it today.”

“With what money?” Demanded his parents. “We know how much a Porsche costs!”

“Well,” said the boy, “this one cost me fifteen dollars.”

The parents began to yell e...

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A guy and a girl are on their third date.

They haven't done anything more than kissing and the guy was getting a little bit desperate for action. So after a movie and some food he suggest they take a drive up the mountain to get a view of the city. (and some privacy before taking her home). Up there in the car they start kissing. He makes a...

An Uber is cruising down a boulevard when it runs a red light

“Hey!” the passenger shouts. “Be careful!”

“Don’t worry,” says the driver. “My brother does it all the time.”

He barrels through the next red light, and the passenger screams, “Stop doing that!”

“I’m telling you, my brother does this all the time.”

They approach the next ...

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Each time me and my german girlfriend have sex, she rates me out of 10

Last night we tried anal and she couldn't stop screaming 9. That's the best I've ever gotten.

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Three guys get stranded on an island where a cannibal tribe lives.

The tribe tells each of them that they’ll let them live if they each go find 10 fruits each, so the guys split up to go find some fruits.

The 1st guy comes back with apples and then the cannibal tribe tells him another part to the deal.

“You have to put all ten up your butt without mak...

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I always make women scream during sex.

Maybe I should take off my lucky balaclava occasionally.

A man walks into a bar and sees a sign that says, "Free Beer For Life If You Can Pass Our Test!"

He asks the bartender, "What's this 'test' you have?" The bartender says, "Well first, you gotta chug a gallon of pepper tequilla. Next, you have to go out back and pull the sore tooth out of our angry alligator. And finally, we have a girl up stairs who's never slept with a man, and you gotta go ma...

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Me: I'm terrified of random letters

Therapist: You are?

Me: *SCREAMS*

Therapist: Oh I see

Me: *SCREAMING INTENSIFIES*

When Moses made it to the Red Sea he screamed 'God damnit'

That's how he was able to cross.

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A woman in a supermarket is following a grandfather and his badly-behaved grandson.

He has his hands full with the child screaming for sweets, biscuits, all sorts of things. The grandad is saying in a controlled voice: "Easy, William, we won't be long . . . easy boy."

Another outburst and she hears the grandad calmly say: "It's okay William. Just a couple more minutes and ...

A boy named Carol had a particularly rough childhood because of his uncommon name. He always got a lot of teasing and abuse at school. Eventually, he overcame his hang-up and married his high-school sweetheart.

When their first child was born, he let his wife name her.

She named the baby girl "Love" inspired in the same spirit as Carol's unique name.

Unfortunately, Love grew up and endured much of the same teasing that Carol did, because of her strange name.

She came home from school...

During Christmas time, a little kid runs to the kitchen and screams:

"Mom! The Christmas tree is burning!"
The mother replies: "You don't say it's burning, you say it's shining."
After few minutes the little kid returns and screams:
"Now the curtain is shining, too!"

My wife told me she was going to do something to me with her mouth that would make me scream.

Turns out she meant she was going to testify against me in open court.

Every morning when this woman's husband wakes up he let's a loud and horribly smelling fart.

She tells him over and over "some day you're going to fart your guts out!"
Her husband just laughs and brushes it off.

This goes on for months until Thanksgiving comes around and she is preparing the turkey. The woman gets this idea. Her husband is still sleeping so she grabs the turkey gu...

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What do you call a screaming penis?

Hollapeño.

My girlfriend and I agreed to try some roleplay in the sack, but right at the end she screamed out the wrong name!

That's the last time I'm ever letting her wear her Starbucks uniform in bed.

"You're so childish!" screamed the wife. "Why do you always have to use that stupid walkie talkie with your stupid friends?! This is ridiculous, this relationship is over!"

"This relationship is what? Over!"

A guy was screaming at the TV “Run idiot, run!”

His wife walked in and asked “Are you watching a horror movie?”. He said “No. It’s our wedding tape”

50000 blondes met in a center for the first ever "Blondes are not stupid" convention

Their leader says, "We are all here today to prove to the world that blondes are not stupid. Can I have a volunteer?"

A blonde gingerly works her way through the crowd and steps up to the stage.

The leader asks her, "What is 15 plus 15?"

After 15 or 20 seconds she says, "Eightee...

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A DEA agent stopped at a ranch and told the rancher: "I need to inspect your ranch for illegal drugs."

The rancher, pointing over to the west, said: "Okay, just don't go in that field over there."

The DEA agent exploded, exclaiming: "Listen here, you bucktoothed hick! I have the FULL AUTHORITY of the UNITED STATES GOVERNMENT!"

"That may as well be," said the rancher, "But you'd bet...

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Senior Sex [NSFW]

Husband leans over and asks his wife, "Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind the village tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you."
Yes, she says, "I remember it well."
OK, he says, "How about taking a stroll around...

A prolific composer dies and is buried in him hometown.

Weeks after the funeral, one of the townspeople gets drunk and tries to find his way home. In his drunken stupor, he finds himself lost in the graveyard. When he comes across the composer's grave, he begins to hear a strange, haunting melody. This terrifies him, and he runs out of the graveyard scre...

My girlfriend begged me to make her scream

so I set her cat on fire.

You know why homeless people are always screaming on the corners?

They don't have inside voices

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A guy walks into a bar

He sits down and orders a scotch, he takes a few sips and notices a jar filled with 20 dollar bills on the counter. He asks the bartender, " what's with the jar?" The bartender replies, "you put in a 20 to enter, if you complete the 3 challenges I give you, you get all the money in the jar." The guy...

My ex-girlfriend started screaming and banging on my door at 3 in the morning.

After an hour of that noise I finally got up and let her out.

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A man returns home early from work one afternoon to find his wife spread out on the bed naked, puffing and panting.

“What are you doing?” the man inquires.
“Err,” she stammers back. “I… um… I think I’m having a heart attack!”
“Oh,” cries the gullible husband, “quick, I’ll call an ambulance!”

He runs downstairs, picks up the phone and begins dialing 911, when his son Johnny appears, sobbing his little...

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A woman walks in on her husband performing anal sex on his secretary.

The wife screams, “You can’t do this to me!”

The husband says, “I know. That’s why I’m doing it to her.”

Smoking a cigarette in a crowded room, I was a little bit worried at first when someone screamed at me, "Did you know second hand smoke is worse than smoking!?!"

But after a little thought I realized I had made the right decision.

Joe's Talking Trees

Joe was a simple and serious man. He was a carpenter in a small village named Arge Oaks where he owned the store "Joe's Carpentry."

For years Joe impressed his fellow neighbors with the highest quality carpentry work. Some people in town complained he was a bit too expensive, but no one ever...

THE COFFIN

A man is walking home alone late one foggy Halloween night, when behind him he hears:
BUMP... BUMP... BUMP...
Walking faster, he looks back and through the fog he makes out the image of an upright casket banging its way down the middle of the street toward him.

BUMP... BUMP... BUMP.....

A guy walks into the bank, pulls out a gun, points it at the teller and screams, “Give me all your money or you’re geography!” The teller replies, “Don’t you mean history?”

The robber screams, “Don’t change the subject!"

A couple had been happily married for years.

The only friction in their marriage was the husband's habit of farting loudly every morning when he awoke. The noise would wake his wife and the smell would make her eyes water and make her gasp for air.

Every morning she would plead with him to stop ripping them off because it was making her...

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The wrestling match was about to begin...

...and the Contender's coach was once again lecturing the Contender.

"If I've told you once, I've told you a thousand times-don't let the Champion get you in The Pretzel! No one has ever been able to get out of The Pretzel!"

The Contender nodded his head, getting ready for the match. ...

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Guy takes his best mate home to meet his wife:

His wife screams,"You fucking dickhead, my hair and make-up are a mess, the house is a tip, the dishes aren't done, I'm still in my pyjamas, I can't be bothered to cook and it's my time of the month!. Why the fuck did you bring him home?. The husband replies "Because he was thinking of getting marri...

What is 18 inches long, black and blue, stiff as a board, and makes women scream?

crib death

Horse Joke

Jack strode into ‘John’s Stable’ looking to buy a horse. “Listen here” said John, “I’ve got just the horse your looking for, the only thing is, he was trained by an interesting fellow. He doesn’t go and stop the usual way. The way to get him to stop is to scream heyhey the way to get him to go is to...

My wife and I were woken up at 3am by loud banging on our door. I got up, opened the door and there was a drunken stranger standing in the pouring rain, asking for a push. "Are you insane man?!!? It's 3 in the morning!!" I screamed, slamming the door and stormed back to bed...

"Who was that?" asked my wife.

"Just some drunk asking for a push." I grumbled.

"Did you help him?" she asked.

"No, I did NOT! It's 3am and it's pouring rain!"

"Well, you've a short memory." she said. "Don't you remember three months ago when we broke down and those two g...

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My school took my MP3 after I sung the song “Pumped Up Kicks” loudly in class.

When I brought my new MP4, they took it, and my friends laughed at me.

Today I brought my MP5 and everyone started screaming and some weird kids danced.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The man and the crocodile

A man walked into a bar that was offering a £10,000 reward for anyone who completed a 3 part challenge. The man was homeless and poor so agreed to the challenge. The bar owner explained all he had to do was 10 shots, then head out back where he had to remove the sore tooth from a crocodiles mouth. F...

A journalist went to Morocco to interview a 70-year married couple

He had heard they never had a fight, and wanted to know their secret for the happy relationship.

"Well," started the man, "on the day of our wedding, after the ceremonies were completed and all the guests left, my bride rode our donkey and I walked beside them to go back home.

"After a...

A woman successful gives birth to a baby after several hours of labour. The doctor takes the baby and leaves to perform some tests. Several minutes later, the doctor returns with the baby in his arms and then suddenly behind to punch it, kick it, throw it about the room and slam it against the wall.

The woman screams, "OH MY God! WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO MY Baby!?" To which the doctor replies, " April fools! It was already dead!"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

[NSFW]The legend of the King sperm

So one day, all the sperm in a guy’s nuts were having a meeting.

“We always wait for our moment to shine, our shot to glory land, to do our mission, but we get stopped by the latex barrier! We never get to fulfill our duty!”

Thousands of sperm moaned and complained.

“But today...

A woman wakes up screaming from a nightmare.

Her husband wakes up and asks, "What happened honey?

The wife says, "Just had this awful dream where I was chased by cannibals and came upon an edge of a cliff. I had nothing to do but jump. Luckily I grabbed a little tree protruding from the cliff, and then I woke up"

The husband says...

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