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Scream Jokes

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How do you make your girlfriend scream during sex?

Call and tell her about it.

My wife screamed, "you haven't listened to a single word I've said, have you?!"

I was taken aback... what a weird way to start a conversation.

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3 guys bet on who can make their wife scream more from sex

They make the bet and decide to all go home and have sex with their wives and compare results the next day.

Next day comes along and they meet to discuss. Guy #1 says “I fucked my wife so hard, she was screaming for like 20 minutes.” Guy #2 says “that’s nothing. I fucked my wife with a dildo...

My wife screamed in pain during labor so I asked, “What’s wrong?”. She screamed. “These contractions are going to kill me!”

“I am sorry, honey,” I replied. “What is wrong?”

Screaming Waitress

I was drinking at a local bar last night when a waitress screamed, “Does anyone know CPR?”

I shouted, “Hell, I know the whole alphabet.”

Everyone laughed… Well everyone except this one guy.

A woman starts to scream while giving birth.



"What's wrong, honey?" her husband asks.

"What's wrong?!?" the woman shouts, "THESE CONTRACTIONS ARE GOING TO BE THE DEATH OF ME!"

"Sorry babe. What is wrong?"

A man comes running to the doctor shouting and screaming in pain. “Please doctor you’ve got to help me. I’ve been stung by a bee.”

"Don't worry;" says the doctor, "I'll put some cream on it."

"You will never find that bee. It must be miles away by now."

"No, you don't understand!" answers the doctor, "I'll put some cream on the place you were stung."

"Oh! It happened in the garden in back of my house."
<...

Greta thunberg began screaming,

“I will not fly private!” She said to her manager as they pulled into the parking lot.

“The conference is two days away and across the ocean, would you like to fly coach?” He replied.

“On a commercial airline produced by slave labor? I don’t think so!” She screamed.

Her manag...

A fifteen-year-old came home with a Porsche, and his parents began to yell and scream

"Where did you get that car?"He calmly told them, "I bought it today."


"With what money!?" demanded his parents. "We know what a Porsche costs."


"Well," said the boy, "this one cost me fifteen dollars."


The parents began to yell even louder. "Who would sell a ...

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I broke up with my girlfriend because she screamed too much during sex

Sometimes I could hear it two blocks away

My girlfriend just screamed at me for tickling my child's feet

She said something about 'waiting until they're born'

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What's 10 inches long, hard as a rock, full of semen and makes all of the ladies scream?

The sock under my bed.

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I can’t believe that you’ve been visiting prostitutes for sex,” my wife screamed at me.

“I can’t believe that you’ve been visiting prostitutes for sex,” my wife screamed at me. “I’m really disappointed.” “You can hardly blame me,” I answered. “It’s not like I was getting any from you.” “Well, that’s your own fault,” she replied. “You never told me you were willing to pay for it.”

A guy was screaming at the TV “Run idiot, run!”

His wife walked in and asked “Are you watching a horror movie?”. He said “No. It’s our wedding tape”

What's black and screams?

Stevie Wonder answering the iron.

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The woman next to me on this rollercoaster won't stop screaming.

Its like she's never seen a penis before.

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The Italian man says, “Last week, my wife and I had great sex. I rubbed her body all over with olive oil, we made passionate love, and she screamed for five full minutes at the end.”

The Frenchman boasts, “Last week when my wife and I had sex, I rubbed her body all over with butter. We then made passionate love and she screamed for fifteen minutes.”



The old Jewish man says, “Well, last week my wife and I had sex too. I rubbed her body all over with schmaltz, we ma...

Why couldn't anyone hear Hellen Keller scream?

She was wearing mittens.

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My wife just walked in on me bleaching my asshole and screamed “what the hell are you doing?!!”

I mean, she’s the one that told me I needed to change my ringtone.

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Did you know penguins scream during sex?

Maybe not all of them?
But definitely the one I cornered at the zoo.

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A woman walks in on her husband performing anal sex on his secretary. The wife screams, "You can't do this to me!" The husband says...

"I know. That's why I'm doing it to her."

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A man screams at his tv: “You fucking idiot don’t walk into that church!!”

His wife comes Into the room and asks him what he’s watching.

The man responds: “Our wedding tape”

I hate it when I'm out in public and everyone gives me judgemental looks, just because of the screaming toddler in my arms.

Don't be mad at me. This isn't even my child.

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I’m back with another shitty joke for y’all. So an armed man runs into a real estate agency and screams…

NOBODY MOVE!!!

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Scream

One day at a busy airport, the passengers on a commercial airliner are seated, waiting for the cockpit crew to show up so they can get under way.

The pilot and co-pilot finally appear in the rear of the plane, and begin walking up to the cockpit through the center aisle. Both appear to be bl...

What do hungry twins scream from the womb?

FEETUS

A woman ran screaming into the pro shop at the golf course...

"I just got stung by a bee between the first and second hole!"

The guy at the counter said "Your stance is too wide".

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friends bet each other $100 who could make their wife scream more from sex.

The next day the first one said "I made love to my wife for 2 hours and she screamed for at least an hour and a half!" The next said he licked his wife for 2 hours and she screamed the whole time plus a half hour after that! The 3rd one said "that's nothing. I made love to my wife for ten minutes, I...

I have a bad habit of screaming during rectal exams.

It really makes my patients nervous.

What's long, thick, black, and can make you scream?

A tornado

Apparently screaming 5 second rule

Apparently screaming 5 second rule when eating out your girlfriend isn’t considered romantic when she falls off the bed.

I asked to switch seats on a plane because I was sat next to a screaming baby

Apparently that's not allowed if the baby is yours

I scream, you scream,

why are we screaming?

An older woman, well past child-bearing years went to a walk-in clinic where she was seen by a young, new doctor. After about 3 minutes in the exam room, the doctor told her she was pregnant. She burst out the door, screaming as she ran down the hall.

An older doctor stopped her and asked her what the problem was, and she told him what had happened.
After hearing her out, he sat her down in another exam room and marched back to where the first doctor was and demanded, “what is the matter with you? That lady is over 60 years old, has four grown...

Why can't Ewoks yell and scream in the house?

They have to use their Endor voices.

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How do you get 50 little old ladies to scream FUCK at the same time?

Have the 51st scream BINGO!

What small thing screams "I'm rich"?

A dwarf who just won the lottery.


Credit to u/collider1

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One day a young man and woman were in their bedroom making love. All of a sudden a bumble bee entered the bedroom window. As the young lady parted her legs the bee entered her vagina. The woman started screaming "Oh my god, help me, there's a bee in my vagina!"

The husband immediately took her to the local doctor and explained the situation.
The doctor thought for a moment and said "Hmm, tricky situation. But I have a solution to the problem if young sir would permit."
The husband being very concerned agreed that the doctor could use whatever method ...

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An Italian, a Frenchman and an Aussie were talking about screams of passion

The Italian said: "Last night I massaged my wife all over her body with the finest extra virgin olive oil, then we made passionate love and I made her scream, non stop for five minutes." The Frenchman said: "Last night I massaged my wife all over her body with special aphrodisiac oil from Provence a...

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My wife was screaming and yelling at the tv, “Don’t go to church you stupid bitch,” I said “what are you watching?”

She said, “Our wedding video.”

What's 12 inches long, stiff and makes women scream in the morning?

Crib death.

Am I adopted?

Fred came home from University in tears.

"Mum, am I adopted?"

"No of course not", replied his mother. Why would you think such a thing?

Fred showed her his genealogy DNA test results. No match for any of his relatives, and strong matches for a family who lived the other side o...

How to make a woman scream with just two fingers...

Poke her in the eyes

I scream, you scream, we all scream

We're on a roller coaster.

What did Dean Martin scream when he bumped an eel while scuba diving?

That’s Amorè!

I SCREAM, YOU SCREAM, WE ALL SCREAM...

[locks door]

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A perfectly normal couple has a baby, but, very unexpectedly, the baby is born without arms. Or legs. Or even a body. It's just a head...

Nevertheless, the couple embrace their roles as parents and, as unusual as it is, they raise their baby, trying to make his life as normal as possible. Obviously, it's a struggle, but they manage... and they love and treat their son like any other normal kid. Well, as much as possible.

On the...

A pregnant woman screams COULDN’T WOULDN’T SHOULDN’T CAN’T…

The Dr said “nothing to worry about, those are contractions”.

Yo Momma is so fat...

When she's walking down the street, cops driving by scream out, "Hey you two --break it up!"

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"I'm so wet!" she screamed at me.

"I'm so fucking wet!" she screamed at the top of her lungs. "Give it to me, now!"

She could yell all she wanted, I was keeping the umbrella.

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A man walks into a bar. Slams his hand on the bar and screams "All lawyers are assholes!"....

Angrily, another patron gets up and yells back "Watch your mouth! That is offensive to me!"

The first man responds and laughs "Are you upset because I called you an asshole???!!!"

The angry patron says "No! I'm offended you compared me to a lawyer!"

I like to lick women until they scream

Usually only takes one lick.

Yesterday my wife started screaming when i secretly sneaked into the bedroom after drinking all night with my friends

Apparently i turned up at the wrong house

My girlfriend screamed at me today. "You weren't even listening to me just now, were you?"

I thought, man, what a weird way to start a conversation.

A gorgeous young brunette goes into the doctor’s office

A gorgeous young brunette goes into the doctor’s office and said that her body hurt wherever she touched it.

“Impossible!” says the doctor. “Show me”.

“The brunette took her finger, pushed on her left wrist and screamed,then she pushed her elbow and screamed in even more.

She pu...

I scream, you scream...

The police come, it gets awkward.

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During an intercourse, what makes your wife scream the most?

When I wipe my cock on a curtain.

Please, take me instead! I scream, grabbing at the two men who took my child

“Sorry sir, children only” they said, as they continue loading up the last lifeboat on the ship.

A guy barges into a psychiatrist's office, and screams...

"Doctor! I have suicidal tendencies! What do I do?!"

The doctor calmly answers "Pay me in advance"

My computer keeps screaming at me that it's run out of memory

But it's all bark and no byte

What do Spanish speakers scream on a roller-coaster?

Nosotros...

"It's a boy!", He screamed, running out of the room,

And vowed never to visit Thailand again.

I scream. You scream. We all scream.

ISIS laughs.

The only time my girl friend will ever scream "DEEPER, DEEPER"...

...is when they are lowering my casket into the ground!

My wife kept screaming at me

“Give it to me give it to me!! I’m so wet right now”. I don’t care,I’m not giving up this umbrella.

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My wife always screams during sex

But, it’s usually when I walk in

A man is involved in a minor car accident and starts screaming and shouting like a baby

A cop approaches the car and says: "Sir, the ambulance is on its way. Your girlfriend has blood on her face, yet she sits there patiently. You appear to be fine, why are you crying so loud?"
The man replies: "Check what's in her mouth!"

I scream, you scream, we all scream...

The ice cream man kidnapped us; please send help.

“I OBJECT!” the defendant screams in court.

The judge gives her a very emotional hug and says, “No…you human.”

I scream, you scream

Because one of us doesn't have a hearing aide

My friend was running around screaming "I'm a yurt, I'm a tipi, I'm a yurt, I'm a tipi"

I I told him to calm down.

"You're two tents"

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A wife screams at her husband

Wife: "How could you screw me over like this?!"

Husband : "what did I do?"

Wife: " You slept with my Niece, you bastard!"

Husband : "Well, when I went to work she was lying naked on my table and you know she's an attractive woman, what did you expect me to do?"

Wife: "The...

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I finally made my wife scream during sex! [NSFW]

I called her while I was fucking her sister.

My wife woke me up around Dawn, screaming her head off

I should mention Dawn was our babysitter.

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Little Johnny wakes up one night…

Little Johnny wakes up one night hearing noises from his parents bedroom.

He opens the door to his parents room and sees mom, handcuffed to the bed's headboard, dad ramming her from behind.

Johnny screams.

Dad turns to looks at him, laughs and gives mom a slap on the bum for g...

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Do you know what happens if you scream "Bloody Mary" 3 times in the mirror, at 3am?

Your mom will tell you to shut the fuck up and go to bed.

My wife screamed, "Give it to me! I'm so f*cking wet! Give it to me now!

But she can scream all she wants, I'm not giving her the umbrella

What do you call a guy in a nascar screaming slurs?

Speed Racist.

I was watching a horror movie and was screaming at the main character to not go through the door

My wife asks me from the kitchen what movie am I watching.

She wasn't thrilled when I told her it's our wedding tape.

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How to make your gf scream even minutes after the orgasm?

Clean your dick with curtain.

I heard a guy at the beach screaming, "HELP! SHARK! HELP!"

I just laughed. I knew that Shark wasn't going to help him.

A 10-year old boy heard some screaming and rustling coming from his parent's room...

Thinking there is something wrong, he rushes in and sees his dad sweating and panting, and his mom turning red with embarrassment.
"What are you doing?" Asked the boy.
"Playing poker." Replied the dad.
"Oh, but what's mom doing here?"
The dad thinks about it, and replies, "she's my wild...

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Why do atheists scream out 'oh my God' during sex?

Because it's unbelievable.

A blind pilot walks into a plane waving his walking stick

The passengers all look at each other in disbelief. The flight attendant gets on the PA and says,

"Ladies and gentlemen, as you can see, the captain is legally blind, but rest assured, he is one of the best pilots in the world with over six thousand successful flights."

Next the co-pi...

What is the difference when a group of republicans scream for Trump to have "4 more years" and when a group of democrats scream it?

The republicans are saying it during his election, the democrats are saying it during his sentencing.

Sherlock's son tugs at his robe, screaming: "Daaad, dad!"

Sherlock looks at him and says: "Watson?"

An Irish dad calls his son in London the day before Christmas Eve and says, “I hate to ruin your day but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing.”

“Dad, what are you talking about?” the son screams.

“We can’t stand the sight of each other any longer,” the father says. “We’re sick of each other and I’m sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Leeds and tell her.”

The son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. “...

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A pregnant woman was shot 3 times in the stomach.

She survived, luckily enough, and so were her unborn children. Triplets, she found out soon enough. Two girls and a boy.

They were born with absolutely no problems, healthy babies and unaffected by the trauma.

Fast forward 13 years, she's sitting in her kitchen, enjoying a cup of coff...

A blonde pays $1,000,000 to use a stadium to prove blondes are smart.

She fills the stadium with 80,000 other blondes and calls one up to prove, on live TV, that blondes are smart. She starts simply with a math question.
“What’s twenty plus three?” She asks the young volunteer. The little blonde thinks and timidly whispers into the mic “nine?” Soon a chorus of 80,...

A student fell asleep in class so the teacher kicked him. "WTF!" the student screamed.

"You have been kicked due to inactivity."

A Man was watching TV one day, when all of a sudden he began screaming in terror.

"Don't go in the Church!" He cried


"it's a trap!"




"Mom, is Dad watching a horror movie?" His son asked



"No dear, He's watching our wedding video." The mom replied

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Me: I'm terrified of random letters

Therapist: You are?

Me: *SCREAMS*

Therapist: Oh I see

Me: *SCREAMING INTENSIFIES*

"Give it to me" she begged,"Give it to me..." "I'm so wet, oh god, I'm so wet...I want it NOW!" She screamed....

But,there's no way I would give up that umbrella, to anyone.

A boy excitedly reports to his miserly father...

"Papa!" the boy exclaims. "Instead of buying a bus ticket, I ran home behind the bus and saved a dollar!"

The father immediately slaps the child. "Spendthrift!" he screams. "You could have run home behind a taxi and saved twenty!"

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What does a sexy Dalek scream as it slips into 'something more comfortable?'

*"ACCENTUATE!!"*

A woman asked me to come back to her place for a nightcap.

After a couple of drinks she asks me to get undressed. I took off my shoes and socks and she screamed "what happened to your toes?"

Me-When I was a kid I had toelio.

Her-Do you mean polio?

Me-No girl, look at my toes. It was toelio.

Then I took off my pants. She screamed...

A blonde stormed up to the front desk of the library and screamed, "I have a complaint."

The Librarian looked up at her and asked, "How can I help you?"

The blonde answers, "I borrowed a book last week and it was horrible."

The Librarian in a puzzled tone, asks, "What was wrong with it?"

To that, the blonde replies, "It had way too many characters and there was no...

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Blind Pilots

Two men dressed in pilots' uniforms walk up the aisle of the aircraft. Both are wearing dark glasses, one is using a guide dog, and the other is tapping his way along the aisle with a cane.


Nervous laughter spreads through the cabin, but the men enter the cockpit the door closes, and th...

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Guy takes his best mate home to meet his wife:

His wife screams, "You fucking dickhead, my hair and make-up are a mess, the house is a tip, the dishes aren't done, I'm still in my pyjamas, I can't be bothered to cook and it's my time of the month! Why the fuck did you bring him home? The husband replies "Because he is thinking of getting married...

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Why do kings always scream when they cum?

Because it's customary to announce when royalty arrives.

Scream is heard from the bathroom

A drunk gets up from the bar and heads for the bathroom. A few minutes later, a loud, blood curdling scream is heard from the bathroom. A few minutes after that, another loud scream reverberates through the bar. The bartender goes into the bathroom to investigate why the drunk is screaming. "What's ...

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Most women scream "Oh God!" During sex.

Of course Mary was the only one to actually mean it.

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I was fucking my wife last night ( NSFW )

I was fucking my wife last night when she looked back and said ,"i'm feeling kinky tonight , turn off the light and stick it in my arse".

As soon as i did , she screamed

Maybe next time i should let the bulb cool down first

My son accidentally smashed his foot on the table and as he was hopping around the room screaming in pain, I rushed to the phone, picked it up and asked him, "Do you want me to call..."

"ATOE TRUCK!!??"

A patient is screaming 'I lost my leg'

The doctor calmly points out 'no you haven't, see it's right there' and points to the other side of the room

Jesus and Satan were having an on-going argument about who was better on the computer.

They had been going at it for days, and frankly God was tired of hearing all the bickering.

Finally fed up, God said, 'THAT'S IT! I have had enough. I am going to setup a test that will run for two hours, and from those results, I will judge who does the better job.'
So Satan and Jesus...

There’s a man trying to cross the street. As he steps off the curb a car comes screaming around the corner and heads straight for him.

The man walks faster, trying to hurry across the street, but the car changes lanes and is still coming at him.

So the guy turns around to go back, but the car changes lanes again and is still coming at him. By now, the car is so close and the man so scared that he just freezes and stops in t...

"You're so childish!" screamed the wife. "Why do you always have to use that stupid walkie talkie with your stupid friends?! This is ridiculous, this relationship is over!"

"This relationship is what? Over!"

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My favorite sex position is called "the JFK"...

She screams and tries to crawl out of the back seat while I go splooey all over her dress.

My wife and I were woken up at 3am by loud banging on our door. I got up, opened the door and there was a drunken stranger standing in the pouring rain, asking for a push. "Are you insane man?!!? It's 3 in the morning!!" I screamed, slamming the door and stormed back to bed...

"Who was that?" asked my wife.

"Just some drunk asking for a push." I grumbled.

"Did you help him?" she asked.

"No, I did NOT! It's 3am and it's pouring rain!"

"Well, you've a short memory." she said. "Don't you remember three months ago when we broke down and those two g...

A woman dies and goes to the afterlife. They tell her:

\- You were a righteous woman in your life. You may go to Heaven, here is the queue.

She joins the queue, starts waiting... suddenly, she hears a horrible scream.

\- What was that? - she asks a nearby angel.

\- Well, a new soul is being converted into an angel, so they drill ho...

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A DEA agent stopped at our farm yesterday.

“We are going to need to search your land for illegally grown drugs.”

I said, “that’s fine, but don’t go into that field over there. You won’t like it.”

Agitated by this, the officer explodes saying, “do you see this god damn badge son?! This badge means I can go where I please, when I...

A mathematician comes home from a symposium to be met at the door by his furious wife.

"What's the big idea, coming home at three in the morning in this state?" she yells.

"Dear," says the moderately refreshed gentleman, "what time did I say I would be home?"

"Quarter of twelve, that's what you said!" screams the wife.

"...Well?" demands the mathematician.

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The year is 1939, and the USSR is invading Finland.

The Soviet army is marching through the Finnish swamps when they hear shouting from the other side of a nearby hill:

"I bet one Finn can beat ten Soviets!"

The Soviet officer laughs at this and sends ten of his best soldiers to deal with this guy. After a couple of minutes of shooting ...

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I paid a homeless man $1 for this joke.

Two men crash into each other at an intersection. First man steps out of his wrecked car screaming:

"You son-of-a-bitch, you wrecked my Jag! I'm a lawyer, I'm going to sue you for everything you have!"

Other man responds, "You Lawyers only care about money, you don't even realize you j...

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the joke I'll go to hell for

A woman is giving birth. She pushes and pushes and finally the baby pops free. The doctor holds the baby up by its feet and declares, "it's a handsome baby boy!"

He then punches it in the head, throws it against the wall and runs over and jumps on it with both feet.

The horrified moth...

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An irate woman bursts through the doors of a bar, angrily screaming, "All lawyers are assholes!"

This enrages a patron at the end of the bar, who stands up and shouts, "Hey! I take offense to that!"
"Why?" she asks, sneering at him, "You a lawyer or something?"

"No," he retorts, "I'm an asshole!"

A French, a Brit, and an American are on an expedition in the Amazon

They are captured by a tribe of natives. The chief says to them, "you must die for intruding our land. But it is our custom to allow you to choose your own death."

After some time, the Frenchman says, "my great grandfather died by sword while fighting for France, I shall do the same to honor ...

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A Japanese, a Russian, a Filipino, and an American went to test the magic swimming pool that turns the waters into any substance of your choice if you shout it out loud enough before jumping in.

The Japanese threw his wooden sandals aside and ran towards the pool shouting "Sakeeee!!" He landed happily in 5 feet of Japanese rice wine. The Russian threw his AK-47 aside and ran to the pool screaming "Vodkaaaa!" as he lept in the air. He happily swam and drank the purest Russian Vodka after. Th...

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