I had a dream that I was a mechanic who fixed wrecked cars.

It was an auto body experience.

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Having COVID wrecks my taste. When I eat that booty like groceries...

I can’t taste shit!

I’ll see my way out.

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A scientist, a mathematician, and in idiot all die in a car wreck and go to Heaven.

"Unfortunately, since heaven is quite full at the moment, I am only going to allow one of you in," the Devil says. "Whoever can ask me a question that I cannot answer correctly will be admitted into heaven. The rest will go to hell."

So the scientist steps up and asks him, "What is the most c...

Why did the NASCAR driver die in the car wreck?

Because he was indy car when it happened

What happened to the Frog when he wrecked his car?

He got TOAD!

A police officer came upon a terrible wreck where all occupants in a car had been killed

As he looked through the wreckage a little monkey came out of the brush and hopped around the crashed car. The officer looked down at the monkey, let out a deep sigh and said, "I wish you could talk."

The monkey looked up at the officer and shook his head up and down.
"Wait, You can under...

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The pastor asked if anyone in the congregation would like to express praise for answered prayers.

A lady stood and walked to the podium.

She said, "I have a praise. Two months ago, my husband Tom had a terrible bicycle wreck, and his scrotum was completely crushed. The pain was excruciating and the doctors didn't know if they could help him."

You could hear a muffled gasp from the ...

You get wrecked offline and rekt online.

Would getting rekt online make you e-rekt?

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At a Parsi wedding at Allbless Baug, everyone got drunk. The bride's & groom's families wrecked the new reception hall fighting with each other. The police had to break up the fighting.

The next week, both families were in Mumbai High court.

The judge Soli Dorabji asked, "All right now, what happened?"

Firdaus Rohinton Pavri said, "Sahebji, I was the best man. I should explain what happened."

”Go ahead, Firdaus. Take the stand."

He explained, "Per tradit...

What do an angry parent and a car wreck have on common?

They can both be a rear-ender.

Wreck

What sits at the bottom of the sea and twitches?

A nervous wreck.

A Scotsman, an Irishman, and an Englishman...

A Scotsman, an Irishman, and an Englishman are each sentenced to a year in solitary confinement; before being locked away, each is to be granted a year's supply of whatever he wants to help him get through the long, long spell alone.

The Scotsman asks for a year's supply of whiskey; it's give...

Did you know...

An AGM guided missile has an explosion big enough to wreck several decks on a warship?

Anyways, I got dishonorably discharged from the navy

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Three families are driving along a mountain road, all collide and die in a wreck of twisted metal and fire. (Long)

All of them end up in a line standing before St. Peter and the pearly gates.

St. Peter motions the first head of the family forward. "What have you done to deserve to get into heaven?"

The man dressed in a business suit said, "My family never wanted for anything and I provided whateve...

Two Chicagoans die in an unfortunate car wreck.

Two Chicagoans die in an unfortunate car wreck.

Tragic, especially considering they didn’t exactly spend their days helping old ladies cross the street or volunteering at the Boys and Girls club. Nope, these fellows went straight to Hades.

The Devil, as is his custom, goes to greet hi...

A young couple dies in a car wreck on the way to their wedding.

They arrive in heaven where they are welcomed by Saint Peter. Before they are admitted to heaven they ask if they can get married in heaven.

Peter scratches his chin. “Hmm, I’m not sure. Let me find out.” He goes into heaven to find someone who might know.

Well he’s gone for a very lon...

Our maid accidentally killed my goldenfish, so I decided to wreck her house as revenge

My mom got so mad when she saw what I did to the kitchen.

A salesman was traveling through the country side, flogging insect repellent.

He came to a farmhouse and tried his pitch on the farmer.
“Sir, my bug spray is so good you will never be bitten again. I guarantee it.”
The farmer was dubious.
“Young man, I’ll make you a proposition. I’ll tie you out in my cornfield buck naked, covered with that bug spray.
If there is ...

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After countless attempts at Moby Dick the ol' cap'n was a nervous wreck and missing a leg...

Did someone at least send him a "Get Whale Soon" card?

There was a shipwreck off a deserted island in the middle of nowhere! The only survivors were three boys named Mike, Kyle, and Nate. After the wreck the boys decided to wander the island to see if they could find some food...

As the boys were wandering the island one of the boys stepped on a lamp and began to rub it when out of nowhere a genie popes out and grants them three wishes. They all think about it for a while until they came to the conclusion that they all get one wish. The first wish was Nate’s and he said that...

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A cruise ship wrecks in the middle of the ocean.

The only three survivors are tourists from different areas of the United States. A man from Georgia, a man from Florida and a man from Hawaii. They float on a raft until they hit an island where they’re met by a tribe of fierce locals who despise outsiders. A member of tribe offers to translate for ...

A Pirate captain and his first mate make landfall on the island of Madagascar

On land they see a variety of creatures but most interesting a lemur around a wreck on the beach.

Upon closer examination by the captain to his astonishment, the lemur is spying on the pirates with a telescope

The captain says to his first mate “Do you see what that lemur is looking a...

My buddy Jacob is a bad driver. He got in a bad wreck. His car was totaled. The other car was totaled. He stepped out of his car and went to check on the other driver. He was fine.

Jacob said, "This is a miracle. Look at how bad our cars are and we are totally unscathed. Even still. I have this bottle of wine in my backseat which it still unbroken. This surely is a sign. We should toast". The other man agreed, it was a sign and a toast was in order. So Jacob popped the cork an...

Why did the heavy metal group rent a wrecking ball for their upcoming concert?

They wanted to bring the house down

I had a vision of a disaster. I'm going to die in a car crash on the way home from holiday today, along with my friend and girlfriend. On the bright side, we all lived blessed lives and will be going to heaven. St. Peter, of course, still mans the gates, and gives us a warm welcome. There's ducks.

He explains that in heaven, we have limitless paradise and can do anything our hearts desire, but that there's only one rule we must obey. "You see, God made all creatures with love, but he kinda loves ducks the most. They're his absolute favorite creature."

We can tell. There's ducks *everyw...

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A ship wrecks onto a deserted island.

Two guys and a girl survive. Since they don't have anything to do all day besides eating and sleeping, they just have sex. Eventually the girl gets sick and dies. The two men don't know what to do with themselves anymore, so they keep having sex.

After a few days of sex, they feel guilty abou...

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A Man is holding auditions for a pianist and in comes the last one..

He comes in and starts the play the most beautiful song the man has ever heard. The song is so beautiful the man starts crying and ask, “What is the name of that song?”

The pianist then says “Oh, this song right here? It’s called my bone in your ass.”

The man then takes a moment and g...

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I was at the bar one night and having a drink with lady that was in a wheelchair due to a car wreck that left her without her legs. Which didn’t bother me at all, she was stunning. She was a tiny little thing and very beautiful, we hit it off pretty quick. So we decided to go back to her place.

We got to her place and I got the wheel chair for her and lifted her little body out of the car and rolled her inside the house. Once inside we had a few more drinks and things started to heat up between the two of us. I took off her little shirt and her little bottoms she was wearing and she tells ...

John Cena gets into a car wreck and ends up in the hospital...

After being in a coma for 3 days he wakes up and asks the nurse, "Where am I?" The nurse responds, "ICU".



John Cena replies, "NO YOU DON'T!!!!"

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I was really worried that my premature ejaculation would wreck my career as a porn star.

"Christ I'm nervous," I said to the director on the first day of filming.

"Don't worry lad,you'll be fine," he said. "Just stick to the script."

"I already have." I replied.

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The Twelve Thank-You Notes of Christmas

Dearest John:

I went to the door today and the postman delivered a partridge in a pear tree. What a delightful gift. I couldn't have been more surprised.

With dearest love and affection, Agnes

December 15th

Dearest John:

Today the postman brought your very sweet gi...

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A well-renown, high-powered lawyer was just in a horrific car accident.

He was side-swiped, ripping the driver's side door completely off.

A police officer, who happened to be there, ran straight to the man. He found the him sitting on the ground against the wreck angrily swearing and yelling.

Officer: (Relieved the man is well enough to be yelling): "You...

Nervous wreck

Bob was sitting on the plane at Cleveland waiting to fly to Chicago, when a guy took the seat beside him. The guy was an emotional wreck, pale hands shaking in fear.


"What's the matter, afraid of flying?" Bob asked.


"No, it's not that. I've been transferred to Chicag...

Do you know what two words can wreck a man's life?

I do.

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A man is ship wrecked on an island with a dog and a goat...

Several months go by and he’s horny as ever and decides he needs some action from someone or something. So the goats not looking half bad. But whenever he tries to make a move on the goat, the dog gets jealous and snaps and growls at him until he backs off.

So some time goes by and eventually...

Jimmy Carr was complaining that he had no mode of transport after a freak accident with a truck carrying dry fruits wrecked his Jaguar.

It was Carr's Rant on a car to rent cause his current car was rent by a currant current

Three car salesmen have a wreck on the way to work

They all arrive at the Pearly Gates and Saint Peter says "Let me ask you a question before admitting you to heaven."

To the first he says "My son, while on Earth did you lead a good life?"
"Oh yes, " says the first man," I had thirty years of marriage to a wonderful woman and I was hones...

"Hey Honey, I made some brownies as an apology for wrecking your car today." "You did what?!"

"Brownies, you deaf idiot"

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Ship wreck.

3 sailors we the only ones to survive a ship wreck. They swam to the shore of the closest island, and passed out from exhaustion. When they came to they were in cages surrounded by a tribe of all male cannibals. They took the first one out of his cage and led him to their Chief, who told him ”Your f...

I wrecked my car this morning and luckily got away with a broken arm.

I don't know who it belongs to but I'm keeping it.

The cleaning lady

True story: My friend Peter owns a diner. He was delighted to have a nice middled aged couple regularly come to his place once a week to eat.

But then the couple didn’t show up for a month. Finally the husband showed up but was by himself. He looked like a wreck.

Peter asked the guy i...

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The wrestling match was about to begin...

...and the Contender's coach was once again lecturing the Contender.

"If I've told you once, I've told you a thousand times-don't let the Champion get you in The Pretzel! No one has ever been able to get out of The Pretzel!"

The Contender nodded his head, getting ready for the match. "...

Four students decide to skip an exam

Four students were attending law college and were quite used to cheating and exploiting to get better grades. Their final exam was due tomorrow and they wanted to get some extra time to hopefully enhance their grades.

The plan was simple: don’t show up tomorrow, spend the whole day learning ...

A ship wrecks and people get stranded on a deserted island....

...everyone start to panic and the captain says a ship will sail pass in a week and all will be saved by it. The passengers try to group themselves and each take an action so they have a place to stay, food to eat and are protected at night.

One man does not care and is lazying around in the...

Not everything can be replaced...

Bob sees his mate Mike lying, battered and bruised, next to the road sobbing.

He runs over.. "Mike, are you okay?"

"Look at my car!" Mike says through the tears, pointing to the wreck wrapped around a nearby tree.

"Don't cry," Bob says, "you can always get another car."

"...

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3 men are ship-wrecked on an island

Where they are captured by cannibals. The cannibal leader says he'll let them live if they go out in the forest and grab 10 of the same fruit.

They all run off, when after a while the first person comes back with 10 apples. The cannibal leader then says, "You must shove them up your ass witho...

A cop shows up to a gory car wreck (long)

A cop shows up to a gory car wreck and immediately sees several body parts lying around. He takes out his pen and pad to make some notes for his report.

"Left arm - found in ditch"

"Left leg - found in ditch"

~~"Head - found in bulavard~~

~~"Head - found in boulavard~~...

What do you get when you wreck a Honda Accord into a Saturn Ion?

An Accordion.

...I'll, uh, see myself out.

I got in a car wreck last week.

A dwarf got out the other car and said, "I'm not happy."
To which I replied, "Well, which one are you then?"

An Englishman, a Russian and a Greek guy are on the same flight, sitting next to eachother

When they are flying over England, the Englishman says, "England is the best country, check out how well they handle this." he drops a sword out of the window.

When they are flying over Russia, the Russian says, "Mother Russia is the best country, look how efficiently we deal with this." he ...

What do you call it when a dinosaur gets into a car crash?

A Tyrannosaurus Wrecks.

An elderly couple die in a car wreck and appear at the Pearly Gates.

St. Peter greets them and invites them in.

He takes them to a nearby car lot and tells them to choose a car. The old man says, "I can't afford any of those cars." St. Peter tells him not to worry about it, because it's Heaven and the cars are there for his use...Ferrari, Bentley, Mercedes......

What do you call it when two Nissan Cubes get into an accident?

A wreck-tangle.

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A ship wrecks on an island

There were only three survivors and they lost all their supplies in the wreck. They decide to head out into the jungle to look for food and water when they are captured by a tribe of cannibals. They are taken back to camp to meet before the chief.

The chief has all three of them in front of h...

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My favourite joke :)

A guy driving a nice new Mercedes parks along the side of a road and opens the door but a car drives by at the same time and rips the door off the car before coming to a stop.

The Mercedes driver runs up to the car and starts yelling at the driver: ‘look at what you’ve done to my brand new M...

There was a 4 car wreck in Mexico this morning.

93 people died.

Wreck-it-Ralph

is called Pack-it-Stan in India.

A man gets shipwrecked at sea

After what felt like days floating on wreckage he washes up on an unknown shore.

He starts to wander around the beautiful land, the air smelled sweeter than any air he’d ever breathed, everything looked clearer than real life. His hunger suddenly hits him and he wished for a big sandwich and...

A group of women were at a seminar on how to live in a loving relationship with their husbands. The women were asked, "How many of you love your husband?

All the women raised their hands.


Then they were asked, "When was the last time you told your husband you loved him?"

Some women answered today, a few yesterday, and some couldn't remember.
The women were then told to take out their cell phones and text their husband - "I love y...

A man is in a car wreck and is rushed to the ER.

When he wakes up he tells the doctor: "I can't feel my legs!!!"

The doctor replies: "I know, I cut your arms off."

When I was a boy, sometime in the mid-90s, I had absolutely zero friends. My concerned mother brought in the neighbor kids for a dreaded 'play date'..

It started out just awful. Everyone ignored me and horsed around. Once they started trying to wreck my moms furniture, I had to take out my secret weapon.

My dad had scored an early VHS release of the last years most popular movie. I could have been the only one in the country with this mo...

A woman is burned terribly in a car wreck on the eve of her marriage...

On being rushed to the hospital, she is admitted for 3rd degree burns.

The doctor walks in, takes one look at the woman and exclaims "I cannot debride this woman!"

Stunned, the nurse asks why.

The doctor replies, "Because I am degroom!"

A Pregnant women gets in a car wreck....

...and fell into a coma. When she awoke a few days later, she noticed that she wasn't carrying a child, and asked the doctor, "Doctor, what happened to my baby!?"

The doctor replies, "It's all okay. You gave birth to beautiful twins, a boy and a girl. But we needed someone to name them, so yo...

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A friend of mine realized that he had to give up coke, drinking and fucking dirty hookers every day

During this time of abstinence, his physical health improved a lot. He put on some healthy weight and even some muscles. However, mentally he got really depressed, a total wreck. He was especially sad over his new sex life.

Long story short, now he's back at it again; drinking, taking cocaine...

A woman died and went to heaven...

She got to the pearly gates to find an angel waiting.

"What do I have to do to get in?," she asked.

"You just have to spell a word" the angel replied.

"That doesn't sound bad, what word do I have to spell?"

"Love."

Relieved, the woman quickly fired off "L-O-V-E". T...

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A man and his girlfriend are driving down the road.

A man and his girlfriend are driving down the road. The woman decides to tease him and begins to remove her clothes. The man becomes distracted and loses control of the car, eventually hitting a tree. The car becomes a tangled wreck, and the only thing that is thrown from the car are the girlfriend ...

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How brave are wrecking cranes?

They've got balls of steel.

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3 people are shipped wrecked on a desert island

A man, his wife, and a bachelor. The bachelor sees a tall tree and says "we should take shifts sitting on that tree and lookout for passing ships. I'll take the first watch." The couple agrees and relaxes on the beach.

A few minutes later the bachelor screams "hey! Stop fucking!" The couple ...

Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton get in a car wreck, who survives?

America.

What do you call a situation where a train wreck is happening right in front of your eyes and you can't do anything about it?

Donald Trump

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A Cruise Ship wrecks and 7 survivors make it to a nearby deserted island...

A cruise ship wrecked and 7 survivors made it to a nearby deserted island, 6 male and 1 female. As luck would have it the island had a freshwater lake and plenty of fruit trees to keep the survivors alive. After a few days of being stuck on the island the survivors began craving their animalistic ...

Why are demolition experts and dominatrixes alike?

They both like wrecking balls

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The International Council of Man Laws

1: Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella.

2: It is OK for a man to cry ONLY under the following circumstances:
(a) When a heroic dog dies to save its master.
(b) The moment Angelina Jolie starts unbuttoning her Blouse.
(c) After wrecking your boss's car.
(d) When sh...

An eskimo wrecks her snowmobile

The eskimo takes her snowmobile in to be fixed. The mechanic checks it out and says "Looks like you blew a seal"

The eskimo replies "No, that's just frost on my scarf."

What happens when an angle gets itself into a car wreck?

The angle becomes a rectangle

A big bad cowboy enters in the Saloon ...

... and asks: where is Billy Joe?
A very old man in the shadows says: Billy Joe it's me!
The cowboy then punches and kicks the poor old man until he is a wrecked thing on the floor.
The cowboy is leaving when the old man says:
Joke's on you! I am not Billy Joe!

A young man named Theseus moves to a lakeside fishing village looking for work

When he arrives, he finds one of the residents, Justin, is interested in going out and seeing the world, and wants to sell his fishing boat to fund that trip. Thinking that it might be a good way to make a living, Theseus buys the boat and spends the next few years learning the trade, establishing a...

Three men are ship wrecked

After a week on the island they are discovered by a tribe of cannibals. The cannibals take them to their chief who gives the stranded men a choice.
Go out into the woods, gather ten of your favorite fruit and return to me for further instruction, refuse and die.
So the men set out. After a few...

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Little Johnnie's teacher asks him how his weekend was.

"Horrible. A car hit my dog in the ass," he says.
Correcting his language, the teacher says, "Rectum."
"Wrecked him?" Johnnie replies. "Damn near killed him!"

What do you get when a short bus gets in a wreck?

Mashed potatoes.

How's life Johnny? (translated from Spanish)

George: So, how's life Johnny?

Johnny: Terrible.

G: Aw, well what about that Ferrari you got?

J: It got wrecked in a car crash.

G: Ooh, but what about that genius son of yours?

J: He was in the car.

*G, hoping to get away from this horrible conversation:*...

A man finds his sister stole his car.

A man finds his sister stole his car. Later he goes to his mother's house to tell her that his sister stole his car. Then on the tv the mother was watching the news comes on and show pictures of a car crash, and one of them shows his sister with his car wrecked. "Thats my kar Ma"

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A teacher was doing role call in class and had called Timmy's name

A boy raises his hand and says: "Timmy is not going to be at school for a while. His brother told me he was using the air compressor on his asshole and is now in the hospital."

The teacher corrected the boy: "don't you mean rectum?"

The boy: "Wrecked him? His brother said it damn near ...

Asked my daughter to get me a phone book....

She just signed and said, "Yo Gen X, how about keeping up? Just use my iPhone!"

I shrugged, took her iPhone and totally wrecked it when I crushed the spider on the wall...

What would you call the Bermuda Triangle if it had four edges?

The Bermuda wreck tangle

I saw a really nasty wreck on the way to work this morning...

...wish I had had time to pick her up.

Two trucks carrying thesauruses got in a wreck...

Onlookers were aghast, amazed, appalled, astonished, astounded, dismayed, offended, shocked, stunned, upset...

The tooth fairy, unfairly caught up in a dentures scam, was standing in line behind Voldermort in the magic prison commissary,

Suddenly, Voldermort screams at an old man alone in a corner, "You wouldn't be here if you appreciated stealth, Mr ho-ho-ho from the rooftops."

The tooth fairy realizes the outcast is Santa Claus, and separates himself from the undesirables to approach him, asking, "Kind Sir, what did you do ...

Two men get into a car wreck...

Both men are all right and meet to exchange information. The older man offers the younger man a drink to calm his nerves while they wait for the insurance investigator to arrive.

"Thanks for that drink, sir," the younger man says, emptying the little bit left in the bottle. "That was pretty...

Engineer professors on a plane...

A plane full of engineering professors were planned to go to a convention. As the professors are placed in their seats, the captain speaks in the loud speakers. "Hello everyone, and welcome to our flight. Before take-off I just want you all to know, this airplane has been built by all of your very ...

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Little Johnny is late to school one day.

When he finally enters the class huffing and puffing, the teacher says curtly, "Little Johnny, you're almost an hour late for school. Would you please tell your classmates why you're late today, and why your time is more precious than all of ours?"

Little Johnny can't believe the teacher has ...

Two men were washed ashore during World War I.

Their ship, an aging minesweeping model, had wrecked off the coast. As they sought shelter in a makeshift camp, one of them managed to salvage a radio and quickly telegraphed an SOS with their coordinates.

To their surprise, a ship responded within the hour, saying it could be at their locat...

A trucker enters a roadside cafe in the middle of his long drive

The waitress brings him a soup. Meanwhile, three bikers enter the cafe. While passing the trucker, they each spit into his soup.

Silently, the trucker pays and leaves the cafe. One of the bikers then says to the waitress,

'What an idiot! Can't even stand for himself!'

The waitre...

Peter Gabriel, after watching Miley Cyrus's "Wrecking Ball" video.

"Well, I certainly don't wanna be HER sledgehammer!"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

After their ship wrecked...

...a Frenchman, an Englishman, and an American washed up on a small island. Not long after, they were captured by savages and forced to kneel. The chief says "We will torture you, kill you, feed your meat to our dogs, and use your skin for our canoes! Any last requests?" The Frenchman requests a kni...

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In honor of tonight’s Lotto, one of my favorite jokes to tell.

A deeply religious man, whom I will call Dave, finds himself in dire financial trouble. He prays earnestly to his God to help him out of his predicament. "God, I'm about to lose my car. Please help me. Let me win the lottery." Lottery night comes, but sadly, Dave is not the winner.

Things go ...

A man was filling his car up while drinking beer and later crashed

A forensic scientist, cop, and mechanic head to the wreck to determine the cause.

*"He was poisoned!"* said the scientist.

*"No! This was simply a case of drunk driving."* replied the cop.

*"You're both wrong! He crashed because he filled the gas tank with booze."* exclaimed the...

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Katrina Hit me hard, Wrecked my house, threw all of my possessions around and flooded my basement,

But I still think those jeans made her look fat.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A guy gets lost in the desert, he has food, water and his camel but no idea where he is.

As the days go by he gets hornier and hornier - he wants to fuck badly. So he tries to mount the camel but every time he is almost in, the camel pulls away. Day after day he tries, with the same result.



One day he comes across an airplane that's just crashed, the only survivor is a b...

What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches?

A nervous wreck.



Thanks, I'm here all week. Try the veal.

Men's Helpline for Women

Dear John,

I hope you can help me here. The other day I set off for work leaving my husband in the house watching the TV.  My car stalled, and then it broke down about a mile down the road, and I had to walk back home to get my husband's help. When I got home I couldn't believe my eyes. He wa...

Driving down a treacherous highway pass Kenny’s car suddenly veers off an embankment...

After coming to a halt he looks at the wreck and realizes the front tire and rim had come off causing the crash. He then sings out “You picked a fine time to leave me loose wheel”

One morning at a doctor's clinic a patient arrives complaining of serious back pain.

The doctor examines him and asks him:

"Tell me what happened to your back...?"



The patient replies: "Sir, I work for a local night club. This morning I went to my apartment early and heard some noise in my bed room.

On entering I knew someone had been with my wife and th...

3 men preachers go to heaven

3 preachers get in a wreck with their wives and go to heaven, and st. Peter meets them at the gates and says to the first one- "you can't get into heaven. You have lusted for money your whole life. You wouldn't even get married until you found a woman named penny." And then he says to the second man...

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Moon River

Two guys are working the night shift at a funeral parlor when they get a call to pick up a body from a car wreck.

They go to the accident and bring the body back to the funeral home. It's now about 3AM so one guys wants to put the body on ice and get to work on him the next morning but the o...

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