UPJOKE
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The lawyer and the car wreck

A lawyer opened the door of his BMW, when suddenly a car came along and hit the door, ripping it off completely. When the police arrived at the scene, the lawyer was hopping up and down with rage, complaining bitterly about the damage to his precious BMW.

"Officer, look what they've done to m...

My home was wrecked by a tornado taking my PC with it, I found the thing covered in glass and everything was unsalvageable aside from a stick of ram

At least I have the memory of it

Two Irish hunters from Belfast hired a pilot to fly them to Canada to hunt moose.

They bagged six.

As they started loading the plane for the return trip home, the pilot tells them the plane can take only three moose.

The two Irishmen objected strongly, stating, "Last year we shot six moose and the pilot let us put them all on board and he had the same plane as you...

Did you know that Chewbacca wrecked the Millennium Falcon the first time he flew it?

It was a wookie mistake.

May the 4th be with you!

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A ship wrecks onto a deserted island.

The only survivors are two guys and a girl. Since they don't have anything to do all day besides eating and sleeping, they just have sex.

Eventually, the girl gets sick and dies. The two men don't know what to do with themselves anymore, so they keep having sex.

After a few days of it,...

Did you hear about the Stephen King impersonator who was in that horrible car wreck?

He didn’t make IT.

Wrecking a car is so easy. How easy you may ask?

I can do it with my eyes closed.

Two Chicagoans die in an unfortunate car wreck.

Two Chicagoans die in an unfortunate car wreck.

Tragic, especially considering they didn’t exactly spend their days helping old ladies cross the street or volunteering at the Boys and Girls club. Nope, these fellows went straight to Hades.

The Devil, as is his custom, goes to greet hi...

I've just wrecked my new Kia.

Now I have NOKIA.

A police officer came upon a terrible wreck...

A police officer came upon a terrible wreck where the driver and a passenger had been killed. As he looked upon the wreckage a little monkey came out of the brush and hopped around the crashed car. The officer looked down at the monkey and said, "I wish you could talk."

The monkey looked up a...

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I paid a homeless man $1 for this joke.

Two men crash into each other at an intersection. First man steps out of his wrecked car screaming:

"You son-of-a-bitch, you wrecked my Jag! I'm a lawyer, I'm going to sue you for everything you have!"

Other man responds, "You Lawyers only care about money, you don't even realize you j...

My Swedish friend called begging for a ride because he apparently wrecked his car...

It was a real Saab story...

At the end of a long day, all the fisherman had caught was one small, red salmon.

He was about to kill it when the salmon shouted, "Wait, I'm much too small!"
"Wow!, a talking salmon", the fisherman exclaimed, "What's your name?
"Rusty," replied the salmon. "Please throw me back into the sea!" The fisherman did so.
About a year later, the man was fishing the same spot wh...

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This is long and I'm not sure if it's worth reading.

Two guys were sitting in a bar. One said: ‘Did you hear the
news – Mike is dead?’
‘How?’ gasped the other. ‘What happened to him?’
‘Well, he was on his way over to my house the other day and
when he pulled up outside, he didn’t brake properly and – bang
– he hit the pavement...

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A plane wrecks on an island with cannibals. Only an American, a Russian and a German will survive.

The cannibals immediately discover them and take them to the camp.
There the chief puts them in line and says:
"We let you into the forest and you bring one fruit. Then I decide what to do with you."
All three go to the forest. The German returns first and has a banana. He comes to the...

Billy Bob wanted a job as a signalman on the railways.

Billy Bob wanted a job as a signalman on the railways. He was told to meet the inspector at the signal box.

The inspector asked, "What would you do if you realized that two trains were heading for each other on the same track?"

Billy Bob replied, "I would switch the points for one of...

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A scientist, a mathematician, and in idiot all die in a car wreck and go to Heaven.

"Unfortunately, since heaven is quite full at the moment, I am only going to allow one of you in," the Devil says. "Whoever can ask me a question that I cannot answer correctly will be admitted into heaven. The rest will go to hell."

So the scientist steps up and asks him, "What is the most c...

Why did the NASCAR driver die in the car wreck?

Because he was indy car when it happened

A young couple dies in a car wreck on the way to their wedding.

They arrive in heaven where they are welcomed by Saint Peter. Before they are admitted to heaven they ask if they can get married in heaven.

Peter scratches his chin. “Hmm, I’m not sure. Let me find out.” He goes into heaven to find someone who might know.

Well he’s gone for a very lon...

A man runs into his buddy at the bar and says to him, "You wouldn't believe it, but I've got a nympho sitting in my car in the parking lot.

But, she's completely wrecked me and I need a break, can't you go and keep her busy for awhile? The car's interior lights are broken, so she won't even know it's not me."His buddy agrees and goes to the car. As soon as he steps in they get busy in the back seat. A couple minutes later a police offic...

What happened to the Frog when he wrecked his car?

He got TOAD!

I had a dream that I was a mechanic who fixed wrecked cars.

It was an auto body experience.

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Did you hear about the guy who wrecked his car while jerking off?

The coroner said the cause of death was several mini strokes.

Do you know what two words can wreck a man's life?

I do.

Wreck

What sits at the bottom of the sea and twitches?

A nervous wreck.

There was a shipwreck off a deserted island in the middle of nowhere! The only survivors were three boys named Mike, Kyle, and Nate. After the wreck the boys decided to wander the island to see if they could find some food...

As the boys were wandering the island one of the boys stepped on a lamp and began to rub it when out of nowhere a genie popes out and grants them three wishes. They all think about it for a while until they came to the conclusion that they all get one wish. The first wish was Nate’s and he said that...

What happens when you let dinosaurs drive?

You get tyrannosaurus wrecks.

What do an angry parent and a car wreck have on common?

They can both be a rear-ender.

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Having COVID wrecks my taste. When I eat that booty like groceries...

I can’t taste shit!

I’ll see my way out.

Three car salesmen have a wreck on the way to work

They all arrive at the Pearly Gates and Saint Peter says "Let me ask you a question before admitting you to heaven."

To the first he says "My son, while on Earth did you lead a good life?"
"Oh yes, " says the first man," I had thirty years of marriage to a wonderful woman and I was hones...

Nervous wreck

Bob was sitting on the plane at Cleveland waiting to fly to Chicago, when a guy took the seat beside him. The guy was an emotional wreck, pale hands shaking in fear.


"What's the matter, afraid of flying?" Bob asked.


"No, it's not that. I've been transferred to Chicag...

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Three families are driving along a mountain road, all collide and die in a wreck of twisted metal and fire. (Long)

All of them end up in a line standing before St. Peter and the pearly gates.

St. Peter motions the first head of the family forward. "What have you done to deserve to get into heaven?"

The man dressed in a business suit said, "My family never wanted for anything and I provided whateve...

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A pastor asks if anyone in the congregation would like to express thanks for answered prayers.

Susie Smith stands, walks to the podium, and says, “Two months ago my husband, Tom, had a terrible bicycle wreck and his scrotum was completely crushed. The pain was excruciating, and the doctors didn’t know if they could help him.”

You could hear a mumbled gasp from the men in the congregat...

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At a Parsi wedding at Allbless Baug, everyone got drunk. The bride's & groom's families wrecked the new reception hall fighting with each other. The police had to break up the fighting.

The next week, both families were in Mumbai High court.

The judge Soli Dorabji asked, "All right now, what happened?"

Firdaus Rohinton Pavri said, "Sahebji, I was the best man. I should explain what happened."

”Go ahead, Firdaus. Take the stand."

He explained, "Per tradit...

My wife asked me to get more in touch with my feminine side.

So I wrecked the car.

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After countless attempts at Moby Dick the ol' cap'n was a nervous wreck and missing a leg...

Did someone at least send him a "Get Whale Soon" card?

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A man is ship wrecked on an island with a dog and a goat...

Several months go by and he’s horny as ever and decides he needs some action from someone or something. So the goats not looking half bad. But whenever he tries to make a move on the goat, the dog gets jealous and snaps and growls at him until he backs off.

So some time goes by and eventually...

A lawyer and his family are searching for a new home.

A lawyer named Harry had a wife and 12 children. His rental agreement was terminated by his landlord, who wanted to reoccupy the home, and so the family of fourteen needed to find a new home immediately.

But Harry was having a lot of difficulty. Whenever Harry mentioned his dozen children, n...

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I was at the bar one night and having a drink with lady that was in a wheelchair due to a car wreck that left her without her legs. Which didn’t bother me at all, she was stunning. She was a tiny little thing and very beautiful, we hit it off pretty quick. So we decided to go back to her place.

We got to her place and I got the wheel chair for her and lifted her little body out of the car and rolled her inside the house. Once inside we had a few more drinks and things started to heat up between the two of us. I took off her little shirt and her little bottoms she was wearing and she tells ...

You get wrecked offline and rekt online.

Would getting rekt online make you e-rekt?

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3 men are ship-wrecked on an island

Where they are captured by cannibals. The cannibal leader says he'll let them live if they go out in the forest and grab 10 of the same fruit.

They all run off, when after a while the first person comes back with 10 apples. The cannibal leader then says, "You must shove them up your ass witho...

A cop shows up to a gory car wreck (long)

A cop shows up to a gory car wreck and immediately sees several body parts lying around. He takes out his pen and pad to make some notes for his report.

"Left arm - found in ditch"

"Left leg - found in ditch"

~~"Head - found in bulavard~~

~~"Head - found in boulavard~~...

What do you get when you wreck a Honda Accord into a Saturn Ion?

An Accordion.

...I'll, uh, see myself out.

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I was really worried that my premature ejaculation would wreck my career as a porn star.

"Christ I'm nervous," I said to the director on the first day of filming.

"Don't worry lad,you'll be fine," he said. "Just stick to the script."

"I already have." I replied.

Did you hear about the orphan who lost both his right limbs in a car wreck?

He was all that was left

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A cruise ship wrecks in the middle of the ocean.

The only three survivors are tourists from different areas of the United States. A man from Georgia, a man from Florida and a man from Hawaii. They float on a raft until they hit an island where they’re met by a tribe of fierce locals who despise outsiders. A member of tribe offers to translate for ...

An elderly couple die in a car wreck and appear at the Pearly Gates.

St. Peter greets them and invites them in.

He takes them to a nearby car lot and tells them to choose a car. The old man says, "I can't afford any of those cars." St. Peter tells him not to worry about it, because it's Heaven and the cars are there for his use...Ferrari, Bentley, Mercedes......

What do you call a wolf that is woke?

Awarewolf



(credit goes to my GF, who's apparently practicing her dad humor. *sigh* please, don't wreck my karma)

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Ship wreck.

3 sailors we the only ones to survive a ship wreck. They swam to the shore of the closest island, and passed out from exhaustion. When they came to they were in cages surrounded by a tribe of all male cannibals. They took the first one out of his cage and led him to their Chief, who told him ”Your f...

A man is in a car wreck and is rushed to the ER.

When he wakes up he tells the doctor: "I can't feel my legs!!!"

The doctor replies: "I know, I cut your arms off."

I got in a car wreck last week.

A dwarf got out the other car and said, "I'm not happy."
To which I replied, "Well, which one are you then?"

A Pregnant women gets in a car wreck....

...and fell into a coma. When she awoke a few days later, she noticed that she wasn't carrying a child, and asked the doctor, "Doctor, what happened to my baby!?"

The doctor replies, "It's all okay. You gave birth to beautiful twins, a boy and a girl. But we needed someone to name them, so yo...

Why did the heavy metal group rent a wrecking ball for their upcoming concert?

They wanted to bring the house down

My wife told me that I should be more in touch with my feminine side…

…so I went out and wrecked the car…then I got mad at her for the way she looked at me, 4 years ago.

There was a 4 car wreck in Mexico this morning.

93 people died.

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Little Johnny was late for school

The teacher asked, "Johnny, why were you late for school?"

Little Johnny replies, "Sorry, Miss, but on my way to school I saw a truck hit a cyclist up the asshole -"

The teacher interrupts little Johnny, "It's rectum, Johnny, it's rectum."

Little Johnny says with a straight face...

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The Horse Joke (long)

So there are two racehorses.

A young racehorse and an old racehorse.

The young racehorse is about to run his first race and the old racehorse is undefeated going into his last race.

The old racehorse goes over to the young racehorse and says "Hey, you're a really fast runner. Y...

Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton get in a car wreck, who survives?

America.

I wrecked my car this morning and luckily got away with a broken arm.

I don't know who it belongs to but I'm keeping it.

A ship wrecks and people get stranded on a deserted island....

...everyone start to panic and the captain says a ship will sail pass in a week and all will be saved by it. The passengers try to group themselves and each take an action so they have a place to stay, food to eat and are protected at night.

One man does not care and is lazying around in the...

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3 people are shipped wrecked on a desert island

A man, his wife, and a bachelor. The bachelor sees a tall tree and says "we should take shifts sitting on that tree and lookout for passing ships. I'll take the first watch." The couple agrees and relaxes on the beach.

A few minutes later the bachelor screams "hey! Stop fucking!" The couple ...

Jimmy Carr was complaining that he had no mode of transport after a freak accident with a truck carrying dry fruits wrecked his Jaguar.

It was Carr's Rant on a car to rent cause his current car was rent by a currant current

"Hey Honey, I made some brownies as an apology for wrecking your car today." "You did what?!"

"Brownies, you deaf idiot"

Wreck-it-Ralph

is called Pack-it-Stan in India.

What happens when an angle gets itself into a car wreck?

The angle becomes a rectangle

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Dear Mom and Dad

We are having a great time here at Camp CatchaCough. Our Scoutmaster is making us all write to our parents in case you saw the flood on TV and worried. We are OK. Only 1 of our tents and 2 sleeping bags got washed away.
Luckily, none of us got drowned because we were all up on the mountain look...

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Three men are on a river expedition in the Amazon

Three men are on a river expedition in the Amazon. One from England, one from France, and one from New York. A few days into the trip they encounter some rapids and wreck their boat. They wash up on shore and are immediately captured by a local tribe. The leader of the tribe steps forward and says ...

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A Cruise Ship wrecks and 7 survivors make it to a nearby deserted island...

A cruise ship wrecked and 7 survivors made it to a nearby deserted island, 6 male and 1 female. As luck would have it the island had a freshwater lake and plenty of fruit trees to keep the survivors alive. After a few days of being stuck on the island the survivors began craving their animalistic ...

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How brave are wrecking cranes?

They've got balls of steel.

Three men are ship wrecked

After a week on the island they are discovered by a tribe of cannibals. The cannibals take them to their chief who gives the stranded men a choice.
Go out into the woods, gather ten of your favorite fruit and return to me for further instruction, refuse and die.
So the men set out. After a few...

I saw a really nasty wreck on the way to work this morning...

...wish I had had time to pick her up.

What do you get when a short bus gets in a wreck?

Mashed potatoes.

Two trucks carrying thesauruses got in a wreck...

Onlookers were aghast, amazed, appalled, astonished, astounded, dismayed, offended, shocked, stunned, upset...

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A ship wrecks on an island

There were only three survivors and they lost all their supplies in the wreck. They decide to head out into the jungle to look for food and water when they are captured by a tribe of cannibals. They are taken back to camp to meet before the chief.

The chief has all three of them in front of h...

Two men get into a car wreck...

Both men are all right and meet to exchange information. The older man offers the younger man a drink to calm his nerves while they wait for the insurance investigator to arrive.

"Thanks for that drink, sir," the younger man says, emptying the little bit left in the bottle. "That was pretty...

Two friends in a pub one says:

"Hello John hows your brother Brian?"

"He died Alf"

"Oh that is terrible how did he die?"

"Well he was driving his car and he slammed on the brakes with such force he got catapulted out of the roof through my second floor bedroom window and landed on the bed"

"Oh that...

Peter Gabriel, after watching Miley Cyrus's "Wrecking Ball" video.

"Well, I certainly don't wanna be HER sledgehammer!"

3 jokes instead of 3 layers of cake. Let's go!

What is at the bottom of the sea and twitches?
A nervous wreck

Where are all average things made?
The Satisfactory

What kind of exercise do lazy people do?
Diddly Squats

Enjoy!

An eskimo wrecks her snowmobile

The eskimo takes her snowmobile in to be fixed. The mechanic checks it out and says "Looks like you blew a seal"

The eskimo replies "No, that's just frost on my scarf."

A man in his 80’s went to a doctor with his beautiful, breathtaking 25 year old lady.

Doctor helped the frail old man in his clinic: What can I do for you today, sir?

Old man said to the Dr: I married this beautiful angel 2 months ago, and she is pregnant with my baby. At this age, I forgot how to care for the mother, I want to seek your advice.

Doctor a little taken ...

A policeman pulls over a speeding Ferrari.

He looks through the window and to his annoyance sees a rebellious looking teenager.
The policeman decides he's going to teach this spoiled kid a lesson.
He takes a piece of chalk and draws a circle on the floor.

"Get out of the car and stand in the circle. If I see you step out, I'll...

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A golfer is absolutely killing it out on the course. (Long)

He’s playing at one of those residential courses surrounded by beautiful homes.

He nails the drive on the 6th hole. He’s so excited and proud of himself that he guns his golf cart full speed ahead to get to the putting green.

He’s going so fast that he misreads a curve and ends up topp...

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After their ship wrecked...

...a Frenchman, an Englishman, and an American washed up on a small island. Not long after, they were captured by savages and forced to kneel. The chief says "We will torture you, kill you, feed your meat to our dogs, and use your skin for our canoes! Any last requests?" The Frenchman requests a kni...

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Little Johnny was late to school

His teacher asked him why he was late, but he had a very good excuse. "Well miss, I was in my way to school when I saw this terrible car accident! This hippie was driving their van with a surfboard on top. He had to slam on his brakes to avoid an accident but his surfboard went flying off the roof ...

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Katrina Hit me hard, Wrecked my house, threw all of my possessions around and flooded my basement,

But I still think those jeans made her look fat.

Two men were washed ashore during World War I.

Their ship, an aging minesweeping model, had wrecked off the coast of an uninhabited island. As the older veteran worked to build a makeshift camp, the younger soldier managed to salvage a radio, and quickly telegraphed an SOS with their coordinates.

To their surprise, a ship responded withi...

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A well-renown, high-powered lawyer was just in a horrific car accident.

He was side-swiped, ripping the driver's side door completely off.

A police officer, who happened to be there, ran straight to the man. He found the him sitting on the ground against the wreck angrily swearing and yelling.

Officer: (Relieved the man is well enough to be yelling): "You...

Did you hear about the square that got into an accident?

Now it’s a wrecked-angle

Switch Operator

This guy was applying for a job as a switch operator on the railroad. The engineer was conducting the interview. "What would you do if the Northern Express was heading north on Track 1 and the Southern Central was heading south on Track 1?" The guy thought. "Well, I'd call my brother." The engineer ...

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An old Catholic man and his old Jewish friend are driving in a car

As they're driving along, misfortune befalls them and they get into a serious accident. The Catholic man isn't seriously injured and manages to crawl out of the wrecked car. As he stands, he makes the sign of the cross and quickly thanks God for protecting him. He then goes to check on his friend an...

Why did the guy who never crashed his car get pulled over?

Wreck-less driving

A Scotsman, an Irishman, and an Englishman...

A Scotsman, an Irishman, and an Englishman are each sentenced to a year in solitary confinement; before being locked away, each is to be granted a year's supply of whatever he wants to help him get through the long, long spell alone.

The Scotsman asks for a year's supply of whiskey; it's give...

A salesman was traveling through the country side, flogging insect repellent.

He came to a farmhouse and tried his pitch on the farmer.
“Sir, my bug spray is so good you will never be bitten again. I guarantee it.”
The farmer was dubious.
“Young man, I’ll make you a proposition. I’ll tie you out in my cornfield buck naked, covered with that bug spray.
If there is ...

Which dinosaur is the worst driver?

T-Wrecks

What do you call it when you’re bathroom tile that you ordered online falls off the shipment truck due to company mismanagement?

e wrecked tile dysfunction

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In honor of tonight’s Lotto, one of my favorite jokes to tell.

A deeply religious man, whom I will call Dave, finds himself in dire financial trouble. He prays earnestly to his God to help him out of his predicament. "God, I'm about to lose my car. Please help me. Let me win the lottery." Lottery night comes, but sadly, Dave is not the winner.

Things go ...

Another Sunday joke!

A man went to a job interview a a door to door Bible sales company. This man had a real bad stutter but the guy doing the hiring thought he would give him a chance.

After 2 weeks the new guy was out selling all the other sales people by double! The box came to him on a Friday evening and to...

Jerry Clower joke (Uncle Vercy`s Trial)

Since I couldn't find this joke in text form anywhere I took the time to type it out myself lol (No Spell Check)

Flew from Los Angeles California to Des Moines did a show there in the civic center. Then to Minneapolis Minnesota, Its 28 Degrees below 0 I slept between the mattresses. Then I l...

I had a vision of a disaster. I'm going to die in a car crash on the way home from holiday today, along with my friend and girlfriend. On the bright side, we all lived blessed lives and will be going to heaven. St. Peter, of course, still mans the gates, and gives us a warm welcome. There's ducks.

He explains that in heaven, we have limitless paradise and can do anything our hearts desire, but that there's only one rule we must obey. "You see, God made all creatures with love, but he kinda loves ducks the most. They're his absolute favorite creature."

We can tell. There's ducks *everyw...

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My favourite joke :)

A guy driving a nice new Mercedes parks along the side of a road and opens the door but a car drives by at the same time and rips the door off the car before coming to a stop.

The Mercedes driver runs up to the car and starts yelling at the driver: ‘look at what you’ve done to my brand new M...

Four students decide to skip an exam

Four students were attending law college and were quite used to cheating and exploiting to get better grades. Their final exam was due tomorrow and they wanted to get some extra time to hopefully enhance their grades.

The plan was simple: don’t show up tomorrow, spend the whole day learning ...

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The wrestling match was about to begin...

...and the Contender's coach was once again lecturing the Contender.

"If I've told you once, I've told you a thousand times-don't let the Champion get you in The Pretzel! No one has ever been able to get out of The Pretzel!"

The Contender nodded his head, getting ready for the match. "...

Not everything can be replaced...

Bob sees his mate Mike lying, battered and bruised, next to the road sobbing.

He runs over.. "Mike, are you okay?"

"Look at my car!" Mike says through the tears, pointing to the wreck wrapped around a nearby tree.

"Don't cry," Bob says, "you can always get another car."

"...

A group of women were at a seminar on how to live in a loving relationship with their husbands. The women were asked, "How many of you love your husband?

All the women raised their hands.


Then they were asked, "When was the last time you told your husband you loved him?"

Some women answered today, a few yesterday, and some couldn't remember.
The women were then told to take out their cell phones and text their husband - "I love y...

A Pirate captain and his first mate make landfall on the island of Madagascar

On land they see a variety of creatures but most interesting a lemur around a wreck on the beach.

Upon closer examination by the captain to his astonishment, the lemur is spying on the pirates with a telescope

The captain says to his first mate “Do you see what that lemur is looking a...

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The Twelve Thank-You Notes of Christmas

Dearest John:

I went to the door today and the postman delivered a partridge in a pear tree. What a delightful gift. I couldn't have been more surprised.

With dearest love and affection, Agnes

December 15th

Dearest John:

Today the postman brought your very sweet gi...

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A guy gets lost in the desert, he has food, water and his camel but no idea where he is.

As the days go by he gets hornier and hornier - he wants to fuck badly. So he tries to mount the camel but every time he is almost in, the camel pulls away. Day after day he tries, with the same result.



One day he comes across an airplane that's just crashed, the only survivor is a b...

Did you know...

An AGM guided missile has an explosion big enough to wreck several decks on a warship?

Anyways, I got dishonorably discharged from the navy

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