UPJOKE
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My girlfriend just broke up with me for being too un-American...

But honestly, I saw it coming from a kilometer away.

I broke up with a girl once because she was having hallucinations.

She said "Carl, I.. can't see you anymore"... That was weird. I was like- "Babe, I'm standing right here." then she said "No, you don't understand... I'm seeing someone else" which was really bizarre because it was just the two of us in the room. I had to break it off after that.

Car broke down

A woman from New York was driving through a remote part of Arizona when her car broke down. An American Indian on horseback came along and offered her a ride to a nearby town. She climbed up behind him on the horse and they rode off.

The ride was uneventful, except that every few minutes the ...

A burglar broke into a house one night.

He shone his flashlight around, looking for valuables when a voice in the dark said, 'Jesus knows you're here.'

He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off, and froze. When he heard nothing more, he shook his head and continued.

Just as he pulled the stereo out so he c...

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Two men broke into a drugstore and stole all the Viagra.

The police put out an alert to be on the lookout for the two hardened criminals.

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A man is driving down a road when he breaks down next to a monastery. He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door and says "my car broke down. Do you think I could stay the night?"

The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, even fix his car. As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a strange sound.
The next morning, he asks the monks what the sound was, but they say, “We can’t tell you. You’re not a monk.”

The man is disappointed but thanks them anyway and go...

I was dating this girl, who is crossed eyed. We eventually broke up because we didn’t see eye to eye. But between you and me, I think she was seeing someone on the side.

This legit came out of my VP’s mouth while at work. haha

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My mate broke his leg so I went to see him at home. I walked in and what do I see? He had two gorgeous older sisters, and they're TWINS ! I had never met them before, apparently they live at the uni and were visiting.

Anyway, so I went up to my friend's room, “How are you mate?”

“Yeah I’m okay. But do me a favour mate. Go fetch my socks from downstairs. My feet are freezing.” he tells me.

So I rushed downstairs and found his two sisters perched up on the couch, right where his socks lay.

I sa...

I broke up with my tech-support girlfriend the other day

She kept turning me off and on again

Fire broke out at a local marijuana farm, and the smoke began to drift to a nearby cattle ranch.

The steaks were high

I broke up with my ex because she told me she caught crabs

And I get seasick on boats.

Did you hear about the guy whose girlfriend broke up with him because he had a foot fetish?

I guess he got off on the wrong foot

A mime in my town was arrested by the police after he broke his left hand in a bar fight.

He still….has the right to remain silent.

What did people say when the Beatles broke up?

Ono

I broke my leg in two places and my doctor said...

"I recommend you stay away from both those places in future."

So my brother just broke up with his game console….

She’s now his X-Box!

In college, my roommates and I were so broke, we couldn’t afford to pay the electricity bill.

Those were the darkest days of our lives.

My girlfriend broke up with me so I took her wheelchair

Look who came crawling back

(Stolen from my band teacher) I broke up with my console recently,

It’s now my ex-box. It wasn’t anything personal I just wanted a switch.

I can’t believe someone broke into my house and stole all of my fruit.

I am peachless.

What do you call a Mexican guy who's car just broke down?

Joaquin
(Walking)

Some kids broke into Twycross zoo and threw a penguin into the lion's den

It was total carnage. They couldn't even get the wrapper off!

12 years of therapy with a psychiatrist & today he finally broke his silence...

After twelve years of therapy my *psychiatrist* said something that brought tears to my eyes.

He said, "*No hablo ingles*."

Ronnie Shakes quote.

So i broke up with my blind girlfriend through a Braille message.

She couldn't believe her fingers.

I broke up with my girlfriend, who is an Optometrist

She's a great lady, has a lot of my same interests, and is really a kind person. She's just really irritating in bed.

She's always saying, "So do like it better like this... or like this?"

A global crisis broke out, affecting every nation and people of all kinds

In response, the world banded together and quickly solved the problem through mutual cooperation and understanding

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A farmer leaned on his new fence and it broke.

"This is a shit post."

I broke up with a girl because the red flag she had was just too big for me to ignore

She said she was practicing for Chinese flag bearing but my place is too small for that

What did the weighing scale say when someone broke its limit

-32768

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Pregnant Girlfriend Guy: But doctor that can't be right. We use condoms every time we have sex. Doctor: Well, the test result would suggest otherwise. Maybe the condom broke? Guy: No I'm sure it didn't.

Doctor: Alright then. Let me tell you a story. A guy was wandering in the forest where he encountered a tiger. The tiger looked really ferocious and the guy knew that he was doomed. Cornered, the guy then points his umbrella's tip at the tiger and shouts Bang at the tiger. The tiger died.

Guy...

“Doctor, please help, my friend broke his leg.”

“Sorry, but I’m a vet, I specialize in horses.”

“Come on, please, it can’t be that big of a difference?”

“Ok fine, just let me get my rifle from the car.”

I broke up with my girlfriend via walkie talkie

She didn’t get it, no matter how many times I said it was over.

My girlfriend just broke up with me for sleeping with her Grandmother

Turns out I can't have my Kate and Edith too.

I dated a blind girl and she broke up with me.

Guess who's back with a different voice

I used to be young and broke

And then after many long years of hard work and struggle, I’m no longer young!

Husband: Honey, I broke a glass in the kitchen:Wife: I am coming with the broom.

Husband: It isn't urgent. You can come on foot

My friend Jennie broke her femur a couple days before the trail relay race.

So her husband Andy had to fill in for her leg.

I lost my watch at a party once... An hour later I saw some guy stepping on it while he was harassing some woman at that party. Infuriated, I immediately went over, punched him and broke his nose.

No one does that to a woman, not on my watch!

I tried to make a belt with a clock in it, but the belt was too big and the clock broke.

Overall it was just a huge waste of time.

My budgie broke his leg so I made him a splint out of matches.

You should have seen his little face light up when he tried to walk!

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I broke up with my girlfriend because of Zodiac signs incompatibility

She is a Pisces, and I don't believe in bullshit.

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Joe rented an apartment and went to the lobby to put his name on his mailbox

While there, an attractive young lady came out of the apartment next to the mailboxes wearing a robe.

Joe smiled at the young woman and she started a conversation with him. As they talked, her robe slipped open, and it was obvious that she had nothing else on. Poor Joe broke out into a sweat...

My friend William recently broke his legs and is now in a wheelchair

We call him Wheeliam now

I was walking my dog through the neighborhood when his leash broke, he ran off, and headed straight into a Chinese restaurant.

I ran inside and found him in the kitchen. To my horror, he was peeing on all the cookware! The cooks were yelling at him angrily, so I stepped in and said, "Please don't be mad at him. I'm the one who said he needed to go on a wok."

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Did you hear that a sewer pipe broke at the football stadium during a game?

Apparently, the shit hit the fans.

I broke up with my girlfriend Lorraine and hooked up with a girl named Claire Lee.

I can see Claire Lee now Lorraine is gone.

I went fishing but my hook fell off, then my line broke, then my pole snapped.

In frustration I threw my broken pole into the water where it hit a fish and killed it.


It was a fluke.

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When I woke up this morning, my girlfriend was cooking breakfast in nothing than a T-shirt... ...when I came downstairs, she told me she needed me to have sex with her right away...

Needless to say I was thrilled, so we did it right there in the kitchen...

...she immediately went back to cooking... we didn't usually do stuff like that, so I hesitantly asked, "so...what was that all about?"

She said, "I had 5 minutes left on the casserole, but the timer broke."

A thief broke into my house last night

He started searching for money so I woke up and searched with him

I broke my finger last week.

On the other hand, I’m okay.

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A man wakes up after a heavy night of drinking to his wife happily cooking breakfast.

Confused, he approaches his daughter for an explanation of last night when he arrived home. "You kicked in the door when you couldn't get your key in the lock, fell through the table and broke it, and pissed your pants." "Jesus! So then why the hell is she in such a good mood?" "When she tried to ta...

Guy : Doctor, my Girlfriend is pregnant but we always use protection and the rubber never broke. How is it possible?

Doctor : Let me tell you a story: "There was once a Hunter who always carried a gun wherever he went. One day he took out his Umbrella instead of his Gun and went out. A Lion suddenly jumped infront of him. In order to scare the Lion, the Hunter used the Umbrella like a Gun, and shot the Lion, then ...

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Late one night, a burglar broke in to a house...

As he was snooping around, looking for valuables, he heard a voice say "Jesus is watching you."

Scared, the burglar ducked behind a couch and frantically looked around. Not seeing anybody, he started snooping again. And again he heard the voice say "Jesus is watching you."

He ducked be...

Today I broke the lamp outside my neighbor's house

For some reason he's delighted

My girlfriend broke up with me because of my “lack of vocabulary”…

What’s that even supposed to mean?

A man went to the doctor...

He said, "Doc, you gotta check my leg. Something's wrong. Just put your ear up to my thigh, you'll hear it!"

The doctor cautiously placed his ear to the man's thigh only to hear, "Gimme 20 bucks, I really need 20 bucks."

"I've never seen or heard anything like this before, how long has...

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Carl broke his leg, and his buddy Nick came over to see him.

Nick said, "Is there anything I can do for you?"

Carl said, “actually, my feet are fucking freezing. Do me a favor, run upstairs and get some socks.”

Nick went upstairs. Not having been there before, he opened the wrong bedroom door and saw Carl's gorgeous 19-year old twin sisters lyin...

my first love just broke up with me…

eh, at least we can still be cousins

A naked man broke into a church. The police chased him around and finally

caught him by the organ.

At first, I wasn't embarrassed about the way I broke my arm

But I heard the doctors calling it a "humerus fracture"

My father, who as a child loved baseball, once told me about a time that his dad broke his favorite baseball bat in half because he came home late one night.

When I was younger, and I loved video games, my dad smashed my Playstation after he found a pack of cigarettes in my room. Now, as a father myself, I told myself I'd never do this to *my* son. My son loves BMX and wants to be in the X-Games. Last night I caught him using my credit card to gamble onl...

Her: "I just broke up with my boyfriend. "

Me: "Let me know if you need a shoulder to put your legs on!!"

A Burglar broke into our house last night. I didn't shoot him. I just put the red laser dot on his forehead.

Our three cats did the rest.

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I broke up with my girlfriend because she screamed too much during sex

Sometimes I could hear it two blocks away

A man and his wife were awakened at 3:00 am by a loud pounding on the door.

The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.

"Not a chance," says the husband, "it is 3:00 in the morning!"

He slams the door and returns to bed.

"Who was that?" asked his wife.

"Just some drunk guy...

I Broke Up With My Girlfriend, Sara N. Wrap.

She was too clingy.

My girlfriend broke up with me because I quote Linkin Park too much.

But in the end, it doesn’t even matter.

Did you hear about the guy who broke all of Usain Bolt's records?

Completely destroyed his precious vinyl collection.

Upon Arriving Home, A Husband Was Met At The Door By His Sobbing Wife Tearfully she explained, "It's the pharmacist. He insulted me terribly this morning on the phone."

Immediately the husband drove downtown to confront the pharmacist and demand an apology. Before he could say more than a few words, the druggist told him,

"Now, just a minute, please listen to my side of it...
This morning the alarm failed to go off, so I was late getting up. I went withou...

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Man says to his wife that he is going golfing. She gets upset because she thought they would spend the day together.

Husband: "honey just give me the day I need to relieve some stress. Besides You don't even golf."

Wife: "I want to learn and besides it's something we can do together."

The husband begrudgingly accepts his wife request they go to the gold course. On the first tee the husband drives it ...

Billy Bob wanted a job as a signalman on the railways.

Billy Bob wanted a job as a signalman on the railways. He was told to meet the inspector at the signal box.

The inspector asked, "What would you do if you realized that two trains were heading for each other on the same track?"

Billy Bob replied, "I would switch the points for one of...

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My ex girlfriend used to have sex with fruit whenever she got stressed.

After we broke up, she went fucking bananas.

I told my wife that since we're broke, we need to decorate our tree with blue ball ornaments this year...

That's right.

Christmas isn't coming this year :(

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A man decided to flirt with a woman

Unfortunately, on his way to her table, he tripped and broke his leg, 3 tables, and his confidence in a single move.

She rushed over concerned and he frantically thought of ways to recover.

Then it hit him. It was as if the secrets of all the Universe had been revealed. He smiled in an...

After only a week of dating, my girlfriend broke up with me because she doesn't like my comparisons...

I feel worst than a turkey sandwich on a yacht.

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A Jew, a Muslim, and a Jehovah's Witness were driving through the countryside when their car broke down.

The only house in the vicinity was an old farmhouse, so they decided to stay there for the night.

"I'm so sorry," said the farmer. "The bed in the guest room only has room for two people." So he volunteered the Jew to sleep in the barn.

Five minutes later, the farmer heard a knock on t...

A British man in a Jag is broke down on the side of the road

When the tow truck comes and the driver sees the Jag, he says "Hey you know why the British like warm beer?"

The Jag driver with a complete deadpan look says "I dunno. Why...?"

And the truck driver laughs and says "Because Lucas makes refrigerators too!"

There was a blonde man who broke his leg while playing golf.

He fell off the ball washer.

An American, An Indian and a Brazilian were arrested in Brazil

A Brazilian judge senteced them to rounds of whipping, but since the judge was merciful he decided to give all three of them one wish

The judge to the american: You're american, i dislike your people, too many guns and you're too fat, what's your wish?

The American: i want a pillow tie...

My radiator broke.



Not cool.

What did the chemist say to his gf when they broke up?

If you were an atom you would have 67 protons

My friends broke his rib about an hour ago..

And, now, he's very full of himself.

Slow learner

"How did it happen? " the doctor asked the middle-aged farmhand as he set the man's broken leg. "Well, doc, 25 years ago... "Never mind the past! Tell me how you broke your leg this morning. "Like I was saying... 25 years ago, when I first started working on the farm, that night, right after I'd gon...

A man went to the doctor and said: "Doc, I broke my arm in 12 places."

The doctor replied: "Well, stop going to those places then."

My mother broke down crying when I gave the eulogy at my sister's funeral

I didn't think my ventriloquism was *that* bad

I loaned my girlfriend $100 sometime soon after we met. After 3 years, when I broke up with her, she returned exactly $100.

I guess I just lost interest in that relationship.

My bullies broke my MP3-Player at school. Luckily, my parents bought me an MP4 for my birthday, but these idiots destroyed it again.

Tomorrow, I'll bring an MP5.

My kid told me he broke the sound barrier on his bike today.

But it was just a mock mach joke.

During the pandemic I saw an old lady in the supermarket searching for toilet rolls on the empty shelves. I almost broke down, thinking about the horrific nature of humanity. I reached deep into my pocket, and there I found a toilet roll.

Then I wiped away my tears and walked off.

My girlfriend broke up with me, she said I was bad at communicating.

I didn't know how to respond.

The burglar just broke into the old lady's house.

He sneaks around and hears someone saying in a raspy voice "The Jesys sees you!"

He got scared but decided to track down the person, that spoke.

He sees a parrot in the cage. Then he hears the parrot say "The Jesus sees you!"

He says "Oh. A talking parrot. What's your name, budd...

A dwarf spiritualist broke out of prison today.

Police say there is a small medium at large.

Financial Advisor: "I don't quite know how to break this to you but you're basically broke." Wife: "He's always spending money on stupid stuff!"

Me: "Lets ask the dog if he thinks his jeans are stupid."

My favorite wisk broke

I saw the same one at the store but I didnt have any money for it so I decided to steal it. I knew the repercussions of shoplifting, but it was just a wisk I was willing to take.

I had a headstone made for the bong I broke last night.

I had it engraved Bong RIP.

Amazingly, the man that broke into my house is actually a quadruple amputee

...thanks to my bullmastiff.

The Christian horse.

A man was driving down the long highway in his car. All of a sudden his car broke down.

The man walked for a while and ended up at a farm. As he was trying to find the owner of the farm, he spotted one horse and wanted to see if he could borrow the horse. He met with the farmer and asked him...

A traveling salesman was driving through the countryside when his car broke down.

Without phone service, he walked a couple miles to a farm house where he knocked on the door.

The old farmer answered and the salesman told him of his situation.

The farmer says. "It's getting late, but your welcome to spend the night. We'll call the tow truck in the morning.
<...

Girl in the bar

I got chatting with a girl in a bar last night,

\- "Can I buy you a drink?" I asked.

\- "Don't you have a girlfriend?" she replied, "Guys like you always have girlfriends.

\- "No, sadly we broke up just over a month ago," I assured her.

\- "Oh I'm sorry to hear that," she...

What do you call a bass player who broke up with his girlfriend

Homeless

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headaches

A man strides into a bar, grinning from ear to ear. He sets down at the bar and orders a beer. "In fact, make that a round on me."

The bar cheers, and the bartender brings him his drink, he asks, "So, why the celebration?"

"I am reinventing myself! A new man! Just a month ago, I was mi...

I broke up with my girlfriend when she told me she used to be Christian.

I only knew her as Christina and this was too much of a shock.

I am so broke that

I can’t even pay attention

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Chinese torture

A man is driving through the country at night when his car breaks down. He walks to the nearest farm, a big 3 story farmhouse, and when he knocks on the door and old chinese man answers. "I'm sorry to bother you sir, but my car broke down about a mile down the road. Would it be alright with you if s...

A guy was going on vacation and didn't have anyone to take care of his beloved cat

So he had to leave her with his notoriously irresponsible friend. The very first day the friend left the door open and Muffin ran out and and got hit by a car and killed.

The guy called his friend the next day to see how Muffin was doing and he said "Oh, sorry, the cat's dead. Got hit by ...

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A lady goes to the doctor and complains that her husband is losing interest in sex

The doctor gives her a pill, but warns her that it’s still experimental. He tells her to slip it into his mashed potatoes at dinner, so that night, she does just that.

About a week later, she’s back at the doctor, where she says, “Doc, the pill worked great! I put it in the potatoes like you...

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One day at the end of class, Little Johnny’s teacher asks the class to go home and think of a story to be concluded with a moral of the story

One day at the end of class, little Johnny's teacher asks the class to go home and think of a story to be concluded with the moral of that story.

The following day the teacher asks for the first volunteer to tell their story.

Little Suzy raises her hand.

“My dad owns a farm...

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A bricklayer has an accident at work and is being investigated, as the insurance company doesn't believe his injuries are real. They demand that he send them a description of the accident.

So he writes:

"I'm a bricklayer by trade. I had finished building the guard rail on the roof of the building. I use a barrel and pulley system to raise supplies up to the roof, and loaded the barrel up with the leftover bricks and my tools, weighing approximately 300 lbs, and then went below ...

A Teacher asked her young students to get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it. The next day, the kids came back and one by one, began to tell their stories. There were all the regular type of stuff.

But then the teacher realized that only Janie was left. "Janie, do you have a story to share ?'
''Yes madam......My daddy told me a story about my Mom "
"OK, let's hear" said the teacher.

"My Mom was a Marine pilot in Operation Desert Storm in Iraq and her plane got hit".
"She had t...

There was a time where all musicians and composers were broke

It was during the Baroque period.

I broke two of my dads Queen records...

Now I want to break three.

A blonde was checked into the hospital when a fire broke out.

A blonde was checked into the hospital when a fire broke out. The entire hospital was being evacuated. As the fire spread, a fireman was checking for stragglers when he found the blonde choking on smoke while pulling on a nurse's assistant's gown. The fireman grabbed the blonde and took her outside ...

What did Montenegro’s internet domain say when it broke up from Yugoslavia?

It’s not .yu it’s .me

Yo mama so broke,

she can only afford 'Delta' variant.

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