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Broke Jokes

My paraplegic girlfriend just broke up with me.

She said all I do is push her around and talk about her behind her back.

I am so broke…

That people break into my house and leave me food.

Broke up with my girlfriend today

It's cool though, she said we can still be cousins.

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I broke up with a Japanese girl last week...

It sucked, because I had to drop the bomb twice before she got the message.

So I broke up with my handicapped girlfriend and stole her wheelchair..

But guess who came crawling back!!?!

I broke up with my girlfriend because she was a communist.

To be honest, there were a lot of red flags

I loaned my girlfriend $100 sometime soon after we met. After 3 years, when I broke up with her, she returned exactly $100.

I guess I just lost interest in that relationship.

What did Mario say when he broke up with Princess Peach?

It’s-a not you, it’s-a me, Mario!

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Two men broke into a drugstore and stole all the Viagra.

The authorities put out an alert to be on the lookout for the two hardened criminals.

Why did Elon Musk go broke?

Because his car insurance rates were astronomical.

A burglar broke into a home…

He heard a soft voice say, "Jesus is watching you."

Thinking it was just his imagination, he continued his search.

Again, "Jesus is watching you."

He turned his flashlight around, and saw a parrot in a cage.

He asked the parrot if he was the one talking.

The parro...

Someone broke into my house and stole every bulb.

I was delighted.

I broke two of my dads Queen records...

Now I want to break three.

My girlfriend and I broke up today

Her: "I just need time."

Me: "Okay. Yeah, I understand."

Her: "And distance, as well."

Me: "Fine. But can I ask you one last question?"

Her: "Go ahead."

Me: "What are you calculating the velocity of, anyway?"

What do you call a Mexican guy who's car broke down?

Joaquin

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I broke up with my girlfriend because she screamed too much during sex

Sometimes I could hear it two blocks away

I was once so broke

I could not pay my electric bill…

Those were the darkest days of my life…

My girlfriend broke up with me for being too “un-American”

I saw it coming from a kilometre away

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Two men broke into a drugstore and stole all the Viagra.

The police put out an alert to be on the lookout for the two hardened criminals.

Hey Siri! My girlfriend broke up with me.

Oh no, I’m so sorry! Do you want a joke to cheer you up?

Sure.

What is the difference between you and a calendar?

What?

The calendar has dates.

Guy : Doctor, my Girlfriend is pregnant but we always use protection and the rubber never broke. How is it possible?

Doctor : Let me tell you a story: "There was once a Hunter who always carried a gun wherever he went.

One day he took out his Umbrella instead of his Gun and went out. A Lion suddenly jumped infront of him. In order to scare the Lion, the Hunter used the Umbrella like a Gun, and shot the Lio...

A penguin broke down in Las Vegas.

A penguin was driving through Vegas when suddenly his car stopped working so he had it towed to the nearest mechanic.

When he got there the mechanic told him it could take an hour or two to find out what is wrong with his car. The penguin was getting hot so he asked the mechanic where he coul...

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Broke in a brothel

A young man turns 18 and decides to go to the local brothel for his first adult encounter. When he arrives, the madame meets him in the parlor and explains how things work. He settles upon what he wants and asks the price. The madame informs him it will cost him $100 for his requested services. He l...

What happened when the semicolon broke grammar laws?

It was given two consecutive sentences.

I broke my finger today...

But on the other hand I am completely fine.

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My mate broke his leg so I went to see him at home. I walked in and what do I see?

He had two gorgeous older sisters, and they're twins! I had never met them before, apparently they live at the uni and were visiting, but I ignored this and I went up to my friend's room,



“How are you mate?” I said.



“Yeah I’m okay. But do me a favour mate. Go fetch my ...

Thieves broke into my shop and stole 15 cases of Red Bull

I don't know how these people sleep at night

My bullies broke my MP3-Player at school. Luckily, my parents bought me an MP4 for my birthday, but these idiots destroyed it again.

Tomorrow, I'll bring an MP5.

My girlfriend just broke up with me for sleeping with her Grandmother

Turns out I can't have my Kate and Edith too.

I broke up with a girl once because she was having hallucinations.

She said "Carl, I.. can't see you anymore"... That was weird. I was like- "Babe, I'm standing right here." then she said "No, you don't understand... I'm seeing someone else" which was really bizarre because it was just the two of us in the room. I had to break it off after that.

I broke up with my girlfriend when she told me she used to be Christian.

I only knew her as Christina and this was too much of a shock.

I told you I was broke

A little lady answered a knock on the door one day, only to be confronted by a well dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner.

"Good morning" said the young man. "If I can take a couple minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high power vacuum cleaner"

"G...

Last month a girl broke up with me because I couldn’t get erect.

She recently sent me a message to apologise for the way she went about it. I said ‘It’s all good, no hard feelings.’

A burglar broke into a house one night.

He shined his flashlight around, looking for valuables when a voice in the dark said, “Jesus is watching you.”

He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off, and froze.
When he heard nothing more, after a bit, he shook his head and continued.
Just as he pulled the stereo ...

I broke up with a girl who was missing a few toes

Because I am lack-toes-intolerant.

Sad news. I broke up with my girlfriend Lorraine because I was seeing another girl named Claire Lee…

But the good news is that I can see Claire Lee now Lorraine has gone

I was dating someone with a lazy eye, but I broke up with her...

Turns out she was seeing someone on the side.

An art thief broke into the Louvre.

Through careful studying of the building plans and months of meticulous planning, he was able to evade all the security and stole several priceless paintings.

He then loaded the paintings into his van parked nearby. Just as he was about to leave, he heard the alarm go off in the building.
...

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broke up with my epileptic girlfriend

Now we're both jerking at night

A global crisis broke out, affecting every nation and people of all kinds

In response, the world banded together and quickly solved the problem through mutual cooperation and understanding

A naked man broke into a church. The police chased him around and finally

caught him by the organ.

John's car broke down in the middle of a quiet road at night.

He decided to hitchhike.

After waiting for a while, a car stopped next to him. He jumped aboard. The speed of the car was slow and steady.

Suddenly John noticed to his shock that the driver's seat was empty. No one was driving the car. John was not frightened by the speed of the car,...

My roommate's cellphone broke

He wants me to let you guys know he's vegan

I told my doctor that I broke my arm in two places

he told me to stop going to those places

My English teacher girlfriend just broke up with me.

She wasn’t happy with my improper use of the colon.

I broke up with my girlfriend via walkie talkie

She didn’t get it, no matter how many times I said it was over.

I was bored and hit my Nokia with a hammer, it broke, obviously.

So, I took it to Best Buy to get it fixed, and the woman at the counter said they can't fix hammers.

My girlfriend just broke up with me for talking about video games too much...

What a stupid thing to Fallout 4.

Car broke down

A woman from New York was driving through a remote part of Arizona when her car broke down. An American Indian on horseback came along and offered her a ride to a nearby town. She climbed up behind him on the horse and they rode off.

The ride was uneventful, except that every few minutes the ...

My partner broke up with me for being obsessed with Linkin Park..

but in the end it doesn’t even matter.

My wife just confessed that she broke my favourite lamp.

I don’t think I’ll be able to look at her in the same light ever again,

My girlfriend broke up with me because I am a compulsive gambler

Ever since, all I can think about is how to win her back

Her: "I just broke up with my boyfriend. "

Me: "Let me know if you need a shoulder to put your legs on!!"

I dated a blind girl and she broke up with me.

Guess who's back with a different voice

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A man is driving down the road and breaks down near a monastery. He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, “My car broke down. Do you think I could stay the night?”

The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, even fix his car. As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a strange sound.

The next morning, he asks the monks what the sound was, but they say, “We can’t tell you. You’re not a monk.”

The man is disappointed but thanks them anyway an...

“Doctor, please help, my friend broke his leg.”

“Sorry, but I’m a vet, I specialize in horses.”

“Come on, please, it can’t be that big of a difference?”

“Ok fine, just let me get my rifle from the car.”

My girlfriend admitted she used to be a Christian, so I broke up with her.

It might seem judgemental, but I have only known her since she was Christine.

So my girlfriend and I broke up last year...

I dont want to say she was fat, but it took 9 months for my memory foam matress to forget her

My girlfriend broke up with me because I am extremely handsome and too many girls want me

She said something else about my chronic lying disorder but I wasn't really listening

My girlfriend broke up with me because of my constant zodiac jokes

I'm so sad that something so simple Taurus apart

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A Jew, a Muslim, and a Jehovah's Witness were driving through the countryside when their car broke down.

The only house in the vicinity was an old farmhouse, so they decided to stay there for the night.

"I'm so sorry," said the farmer. "The bed in the guest room only has room for two people." So he volunteered the Jew to sleep in the barn.

Five minutes later, the farmer heard a knock on t...

I broke up with my boyfriend because he couldn't get an erection.

There were no hard feelings.

My girlfriend broke up with me because I kept referencing the song One Night in Bangkok for reasons why I didn't want to take a vacation there.

It's just me now and my Thai trope act without Annette.

What happened when the escalator broke down?

Everyone stopped and staired! 🥁

Someone broke into my house last night and stole my Limbo stick..

How low can you get?

I lost my watch at a party once. An hour later I saw some guy stepping on it while he was harassing some woman at that party. Infuriated, I immediately went over, punched him and broke his nose.

No one does that to a woman, not on my watch...

What did Captain Picard say to the engineer when the Enterprise's sewing machine broke?

Make it sew.

A dyslexic cat broke into a hen house

It was an absolute fluster cluck

A thief broke into my house last night...

he started searching for money so I woke up and searched with him

My stapler broke while stapling my marriage prenup agreement.

I have attachment issues.

Our lawn mower broke

When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed.
But, somehow I always had something else to take care of first, the shed, the boat,
making beer.. Always something more important to me.

Finally she thought of a clever way to make her poi...

Husband: honey, I broke a glass in the kitchen.

Wife: it's okay, dear. I'll be there with a broom.
Husband: it's not an emergency. You can come on foot.

I just found out that my friend broke all his fingers in a freak accident.

I can’t even imagine how he feels.

A thief broke into the local police station and stole all the toilet seats.

Police say they have absolutely nothing to go on.

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I broke up with my girlfriend because of Zodiac signs incompatibility

She is a Pisces, and I don't believe in bullshit.

My girlfriend broke up with me today

We wanted different things from the relationship.

I wanted to remain in one.

I just broke up with my moonshiner girfriend

But I love her still

My protractor broke

I wonder if it can still be used to a certain degree.

When I was in the army, I broke my rifle and had to pay 600$.

I guess that’s why the captain always goes down with the ship.

What did the burglar say after he broke into Fort Knox by exploding a bomb?

Edit: Wow! This blew up! Thanks for the gold.

My girlfriend broke up with me yesterday ..

My girlfriend broke up with me yesterday because of my obsession.
She said, "I'm sick of it. You actually believe that you're a Transformer. It's stupid. I've had enough and I'm leaving you."
I said, "But, Baby, I can change."
She said, "There you go again!"

Fire broke out at a local marijuana farm, and the smoke began to drift to a nearby cattle ranch.

The steaks were high

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A deer had a bar. One day, he found the toilet window broken, so he asked the patrons "Who broke the window!?"

A hare responded "I kinda did..."

The deer asked "What do you mean by "kinda"?"

The hare says: "Well, I was taking a dump and after the bear finished his, he took me and tried to wipe his butt, but then he saw I wasn't toilet paper and threw me right out of the window".

The deer...

My girlfriend broke up with me because she says I'm too 'controlling'.

Funny thing is, I don't remember giving her permission to speak.

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A woman got married not long after high school and her husband broke her heart when he ran off with another woman. She eventually got back into the dating scene, and fell in love again with another man. They married but he turned out to be an asshole who hit her when he was angry.

She divorced him as well. Over time she met a third man who seemed perfect for her in every way but one- he was terrible in bed. She married him anyway, reasoning that sex would improve the more they knew eachother but it didn’t, and after a year she finally divorced him.

Having now been div...

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My friend came pissed off at me, saying that it had not even been two days since he broke up and I already had sex with his ex girlfriend

I said: Sorry dude, I didn't know you guys had broken up!!

A thief broke into my house and stole my prized thesaurus.

I am at a loss for words.

So my iron broke because it overheated

The irony

Someone once told me, “GO FOR BROKE!”

I’m unhappy to report that I succeeded.

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Just broke my record for distance of ejaculation.

I've cum a long way.

I slipped off a building, but luckily a passing group of schoolchildren broke my fall.

I survived, with only minor injuries.

What do you call the drummer that just broke up with his girlfriend?

Homeless.

I had a job in high school where I literally broke every record

Of course I worked at Tower Records, so not such a good thing.

I think my ex girlfriend fell into poverty since we broke up.

Every time I call her, she says, “Please leave me a loan.”

My sister sat on my glasses and broke them...

I suppose it's my fault for not taking them off first

Broke Drunk

I was sitting at a bar and this guy walked in, out of the rain, and sat down next to me. He asked the bar tender "How much does a double Chivas Regal cost?" The bar tender replied "That's pretty expensive - $20 a pop." The guy said "Great. Give me 10 of them." The bar tender poured 10 double CR's, l...

What did the duck say when he broke the quantum computer?

Quark

My dad went crazy when the freezer broke

He ain't got no chill

My radiator broke.



Not cool.

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[NSFW] My girlfriend just broke up with me.

She found my collection of child pornography on my laptop. I tried to explain to her that it wasn't mine. She didn't believe me and asked me if I thought she was born yesterday.

"I fucking wish." probably wasn't the best response.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Thieves broke into my house and stole everything except my soap.

Dirty bastards.

A burglar broke into our house last night…

I didn’t fight back, I just put the red laser dot on his forehead and the 3 cats did the rest.

(Copied from a comment I saw to funny not to share since this whole sub is reposts)

After I broke up with my short girlfriend, she started a YouTube channel dedicated to trashing me.

I said "well that's a little ex stream"

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Last night my GF called me a fucking asshole, and broke up with me.

Now I’m just an asshole.

Normal people believe that if it ain't broke, don't fix it.

Engineers believe that if it ain't broke, it doesn't have enough features yet.

After I broke my elbow, my buddy wrote all my homework assignments on my cast.

It really classed up the joint.

My Budgie broke his leg today

So I made a splint out of a couple of matches.
His face lit up when tried to walk

Guys, I just broke up an attempted murder...

But to be fair, those crows shouldn't have been gathering in the middle of the road

You guys hear about the fight that broke out at the seafood restaurant?

Battered fish everywhere.

A girl broke up with me once over food

She didn’t like it when I made certain Hawaiian and Korean foods that I ate growing up.

Now she has me in her phone as “Spam Risk”.

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a blonde was driving down the road when her car broke

She notices that her cellphone battery is was dead, so she heads to the nearest motel and talks to the owner

"Please, can you help me, I don't have a penny on me, my car is broken and I need to make a phone call"

"I don't run a charity, but if you do me a favor I might help you"
...

My girlfriend broke up with me because of my “lack of vocabulary”…

What’s that even supposed to mean?

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