Guy : Doctor, my Girlfriend is pregnant but we always use protection and the rubber never broke. How is it possible?

Doctor : Let me tell you a story: "There was once a Hunter who always carried a gun wherever he went. One day he took out his Umbrella instead of his Gun and went out. A Lion suddenly jumped in front of him. In order to scare the Lion, the Hunter used the Umbrella like a Gun, and shot the Lion, then...

Last week someone broke into my house and stole 20% of my couch.

Ouch.

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I broke up with my girlfriend because she screamed too much during sex

Sometimes I could hear it two blocks away

My girlfriend broke up with me so I stole her wheelchair...

Guess who came crawling back

Can't believe someone broke into my shed and stole my limbo stick

How low can ya go

I was cutting into an apple the other day and the knife broke as it reached the centre.

... that's pretty hard core.

My tennis player girlfriend broke up with me

I guess love meant nothing to her

I broke my finger last week...

On the other hand, I'm OK.

Someone broke into our local police station and stole all the toilets.

The police are looking for suspects, but for now they have nothing to go on.

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I finally broke down and told my therapist I had suicidal tendencies

He said from now on I had to pay in advance

I recently broke it off with a pair of conjoined twins.

I said, "It's not you, it's you."

Why did the duck become broke and homeless?

Because he smoked to much quack

He‌‌y girl‌‌, ar‌‌e yo‌‌u ‌‌a broke‌‌n compass?

Becaus‌‌e I’‌‌m no‌‌t reall‌‌y sur‌‌e wher‌‌e I’‌‌m goin‌‌g wit‌‌h this.

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One day jam broke up with bread and what did she say

She said u deserve "butter"

My gf broke up with be because I came out as a furry

Big woof

I had decided to write a letter by hand the other day when my pencil broke.

I tried to finish but it was pointless.

Did you hear about the semicolon that broke the law?

Yeah, he got two consecutive sentences!

So I started cultivating a plant with my ex gf before she broke up with me for this other dude

Oh well, guess it’s his-tree now

Burglers broke into my home and I helplessly watched as they went through my belongings

Both of us were afraid to call the cops

I loaned my girlfriend $100 sometime soon after we met. After 3 years, when I broke up with her, she returned exactly $100.

I guess I just lost interest in that relationship.

I broke up with my girlfriend when she told me she used to be Christian.

I only knew her as Christina and this was too much of a shock.

I just broke two of my dads old queen albums.

Now I want to break three.

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Two men broke into a drugstore and stole all the Viagra.

The police put out an alert to be on the lookout for the two hardened criminals.

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Just broke my personal masturbation record today

I know for certain every one of those guys left satisfied!

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I still remember what my uncle said right before the toilet broke...

"SHIT!"

My newest girlfriend broke up with me after we lost a one legged race fundraiser.

She says we got off on the wrong foot.

My girlfriend broke up with me and started dating her gynecologist...

At least he knows what he's getting into.

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My bidet just broke.

That thing doesn't clean shit.

A teacher told her young class to ask their parents for a family story with a moral at the end of it, and to return the next day to tell their stories.

In the classroom the next day, Joe gave his example first, “My dad is a farmer and we have chickens. One day we were taking lots of eggs to the market in a basket on the front seat of the truck when we hit a big bump in the road. The basket fell off the seat and all the eggs broke.” The moral of the...

BREAKING: The President's recent suicide attempt failed last night when the rope broke. His statement:

"Fake noose."

I’m not sure where to report this, but someone broke into my house during the lockdown and replaced all my pants, with smaller pants. Every single pair. I’m not sure what kind of sicko gets off on this...

But you need to take a good long look in the mirror, cuz you’re going to get your just desserts, weight and see buddy I’m on the look out for you.

A thief broke into my house last night looking for money

So I got up and searched with him.

My friend keeps obnoxiously bragging that he broke my record for deep sea diving.

That’s a new low.

A 30 year old jobless, homeless, broke guy went to a palm reading fortune teller to know when will his life be better.

Guy: How will my future be?

FT: Till you're 42, you'll suffer thinking about your life getting ruined, cleaned out, agonized, strapped, tortured, penniless, distressed, dirt poor, tormented, wasted, unproductive, exhausted, dried up and living a lifeless life.

Guy: So what happens aft...

My girlfriend and I broke up.

But its fine, she said we could still be cousins.

The cops broke down the door and asked Rosemary about the kidnapping

She claimed that she didn't have the Thyme

My girlfriend got the coronavirus so I broke up with her. 2 weeks later, she’s seeing a new guy now and apparently he just tested positive. Be careful out there everyone, I guess what they say is true.

Ex gon give it to ya

I broke lockdown rules and went to a games night yesterday

There was a lot of risk

What did people say when the Beatles broke up?

Ono.

To the thief who broke into my costume shop and stole the most terrifying mask I had for sale:

I don't know how you can look at yourself in the mirror.

Why she broke up with me?:(

If you S my D, I'll E your P, and F that V till I make to C

If you Stay my Dear,I'll Ease your Pain, and Free that Vulnerability till i make you Contented

I lost my watch at a party once. An hour later I saw some guy stepping on it while he was harassing some woman at that party. Infuriated, I immediately went over, punched him and broke his nose.

No one does that to a woman, not on my watch...

My girlfriend convinced me that certain aquatic mammals don't exist right before she broke up with me.

She left me in otter disbelief.

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A man is driving down the road and breaks down near a monastery. He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, “My car broke down. Do you think I could stay the night?”

The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, even fix his car. As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a strange sound.

The next morning, he asks the monks what the sound was, but they say, “We can’t tell you. You’re not a monk.”

The man is disappointed but thanks them anyway an...

My last 15 minutes as a 23 y/o!!

It's not my birthday but a scary looking man with a crowbar just broke into my house

I was bored and hit my Nokia with a hammer, it broke, obviously.

So, I took it to Best Buy to get it fixed, and the woman at the counter said they can't fix hammers.

My girlfriend just admitted she used to be a Christian, so I broke up with her.

It might seem judgemental, but I have only known her since she was Christine.

What did the numerator say to the denominator when they broke up?

I'm so over you!

I broke up with my girlfriend after she lost her feet in a horrific car accident

I'm lacktoes intolerant

When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed.

But, somehow I always had something else to take care of first, the shed, the boat, making beer. Always something more important to me.

Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point. When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pa...

A burglar broke into a house one night. He shone his flashlight around, looking for valuables when a voice in the dark said: “Jesus knows you’re here.”

He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off, and froze. When he heard nothing more, after a bit, he shook his head and continued. Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard: “Jesus is watching you.” Freaked out, he shined his light ar...

I broke my arm in 4 places

The doctor told me to stop going to those places.

(Yay it’s my cake day)

When the man in the street says: "If it ain't broke, don't fix it," the lawyer writes:

"Insofar as manifestations of functional deficiencies are agreed by any and all concerned parties to be imperceivable, and are so stipulated, it is incumbent upon said heretofore mentioned parties to exercise the deferment of otherwise pertinent maintenance procedures."

Broke my spine in an accident last year. Had a life saving operation to fix my neck which permanently locked my head in place.

Since then I've never looked back.

Did you hear about the man who broke his funny bone?

They soaked it in water and now it's a laughing stock.

Kevin broke his favourite lamp. I joked about it, but then he got angry.

He said I was making light of the situation.

Guys, I just broke up an attempted murder...

But to be fair, those crows shouldn't have been gathering in the middle of the road

My bullies broke my MP3-Player at school. Luckily, my parents bought me an MP4 for my birthday, but these idiots destroyed it again.

Tomorrow, I'll bring an MP5.

My girlfriend broke up with me because she says I'm too 'controlling'.

Funny thing is, I don't remember giving her permission to speak.

A man goes to a doctor

A man goes to a doctor and says, "Doc, you gotta check my leg. Something's wrong. Just put your ear up to my thigh, you'll hear it!"

The doctor cautiously placed his ear to the man's thigh only to hear, "Gimme 20 bucks, I really need 20 bucks."

"I've never seen or heard anything like t...

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Due to covid I broke up with my gf via text message

She texted back that was unacceptable as she shouted "asshole" through the bathroom door.

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My sister was yelling again and I slammed the door of her room so hard that a piece broke off the lock.

Apparently, I fucked the shut up.

My doctor broke his hand the other day.

The worst part is that he broke it during my prostate exam.

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Some bastard broke into my house and stole all of my lamps

I am not angry, I am delighted.

I just broke up with my girlfriend.

Please send THOTS and prayers.

Too bad my calculator broke

I was counting on it

My Alaskan Girlfriend broke up with me the other day...

I kept telling people she was an Eskimo, but I guess she wasn’t Inuit.

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A broke girl goes to get a tattoo

She sits down, chooses the design she wants to get tattooed.

The artist happily obliges and does an amazing job.

Upon being asked for payment the girl tells she has nothing to pay.

Shockingly, the artist says "that's not a problem, just show me a tit and consider it paid, you kn...

The FBI found a hacker's base of operations and broke in, but he was no where to be seen.

Agent 1: Where did he go?
Agent 2: I don't know, he ransomware

You broke up with me... Here I am staring in the distance for the last minute and a half, blinking every second.

I Miss You. I can’t believe I’m Feeling This. Reminiscing how I met you at The Rock Show

*Blink* It was two years ago. I was 22... No, 23... *Blink #182*

Dammit. What’s My Age Again?!

I broke my left leg in a 110m hurdles race

I broke my left leg in a 110m hurdles race, which marked the end my athletic career.

I couldn’t get over it.

What did the frog call when it’s car broke down?

A toad truck!

My 6 year old told me this today and I wanted to share with you guys :)

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A man and a woman broke up

A man and a woman were going their separate ways after 5 months together. The woman was on her way to her parents house and broke down when talking to her mom. “Mom”, the young lady said, “he made fun of me and I couldn’t take it so I ended it.” The parents were pissed at the man and drove the lady ...

A horse broke into my room while I was asleep.

It was a nightmare.

I broke up with my girlfriend after finding out how many people she had slept with before me.

I didn't want to ruin everything by being the 70th

a man broke into the theatre last night during the performance

he stole the spotlight

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Did you hear about the stripper who fell from the pole and broke her jaw?

She’s now getting twerkman’s comp.

George and Ted were driving through the countryside when there car broke down.

They went to a nearby farmhouse to call a tow truck. When they knocked on the door, a gorgeous woman answered.

"Can we use your phone?" they asked.

"Yes," said the woman. So George and Ted used the woman's phone to call a tow truck.

The tow truck company told them that it woul...

(NSFW)My friend broke up with her boyfriend cuz he didnt go down on her..

That's the straw that didn't lick the camel's crack

I broke up with my boyfriend

My boyfriend just can't find the right hole.


Sometimes he is so off that it's my best friend's

Last night I broke up with my girlfriend and she said, “You’ll never find someone like me ever again.”

I thought, “If I didn’t want you, why would I want someone like you.”

Me and my girlfriend recently broke up,

The relationship was great but her dad, he was the issue.

He was a very strict catholic, which meant when ever I’d stay over he wouldn’t let us sleep in the same bed.

Which is a shame because he’s very attractive..

I told you I was broke

A little lady answered a knock on the door one day, only to be confronted by a well dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner.

"Good morning" said the young man. "If I can take a couple minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high power vacuum cleaner"

"G...

A dog broke up with his wife

It was ruff

A bird broke his younger brother’s wing

He was grounded

Someone broke 2/3 of my window on their way into my house

ow

I'm so broke

You can call me saint nickel-less.

A man went to a conference in a rural town. On the way back, his car broke down.

Looking around, he saw a monastery sitting on a hill. He decided to ask to stay the night. The monks were welcoming and gave him a room to stay in. In the middle of the night, the man woke to hear strange, beautiful, haunting music. It captivated him. He lay still, crying for the whole hour in which...

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A burglar broke into a large dark house....

As he’s rummaging through the drawers he hears a voice from the dark, it says
“Jesus is watching you”

He shines his torch he around but cannot see anyone so continues his nefarious deed.

A few seconds later the voice is back
“Jesus is watching you”

He again looks around wi...

A mime in my town was arrested yesterday after he broke his left arm in a bar fight.

He still has the right to remain silent.

Girlfriend of two years broke up with me this fall, I was devastated. Then I realized...

I had 2 fall to lose it all

But in the end it doesn't even matter...

broke my knife in to pieces

I'll have to use a fork

A young woman was driving through a remote part of Texas when her car broke down. An American Indian on horseback soon came along and offered her a ride to a nearby town.

She climbed up behind him on the
horse and they rode off.

The ride was uneventful, except that every few minutes the Indian would shout out a wild "Ye-e-e-e-e-ha-a-a-" so loud that it echoed off the surrounding hills.

When they arrived in town, he let her off at the local servic...

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All my friends warned me not to stick my dick in crazy, but I didn't listen. My ex girlfriend used to have sex with fruit whenever she got stressed and after we broke up…

…she went fucking bananas.

My boyfriend broke up with me today

When I said I wanted to lose 150 lb this year, I didn't mean it like this.

I used to date a girl who was lactose intolerant.

We broke up because she couldn’t stomach my cheesy jokes.

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I still keep in touch with my ex We give each other presents on the day we broke up. Last year she gave me a pile of shit. This year I'm giving her a car

She'll never know what hit her

My girlfriend just broke up with me for talking about video games too much

What a stupid thing to fallout 4

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My girlfriend broke up with me because I was cheating on her.

She told all her friends I had a small dick. Luckily they all knew she was lying.

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Best features

A teenage boy was delivering papers to an apartment. While there, a stunning young woman came out of the apartment next to the mailboxes wearing only a robe. The boy smiled at the young woman and she started up a conversation with him. As they talked, her robe slipped open, and it was obvious that s...

I broke my hand last Tuesday, and the doctors told me that my cast wont be able to come off before 6 weeks.

But dont worry, I managed to pull that thing off after 5 days, I dont know what they were on about!

I thought I broke my ankle when I tripped over a box of Kleenex last night

But the doctor said it's only tissue damage.

What did the Doctor call Napoleon when he broke a bone?

Napoleon Bone-apart

My gf broke up with me after I was kicked out of her church, but we still talk sometimes

I call it excommunication

My aquarium broke and everything is gone...

I have no porpoise anymore

A fire broke out in a bread factory? What is it called now?

A toast factory

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