UPJOKE
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Someone broke into my house and stole every bulb.

I was delighted.

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My mate broke his leg so I went to see him at home. I walked in and what do I see?

He had two gorgeous older sisters, and they're twins! I had never met them before, apparently they live at the uni and were visiting, but I ignored this and I went up to my friend's room,



“How are you mate?” I said.



“Yeah I’m okay. But do me a favour mate. Go fetch my ...

I broke up with my boyfriend because he couldn't get an erection.

There were no hard feelings.

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A woman got married not long after high school and her husband broke her heart when he ran off with another woman. She eventually got back into the dating scene, and fell in love again with another man. They married but he turned out to be an asshole who hit her when he was angry.

She divorced him as well. Over time she met a third man who seemed perfect for her in every way but one- he was terrible in bed. She married him anyway, reasoning that sex would improve the more they knew eachother but it didn’t, and after a year she finally divorced him.

Having now been div...

I just found out that my friend broke all his fingers in a freak accident.

I can’t even imagine how he feels.

Went to visit some temples in Cambodia, but unfortunately fell and broke my neck.

Now I don't look back in Angkor.

My Budgie broke his leg today

So I made a splint out of a couple of matches.
His face lit up when tried to walk

A thief broke into my house and stole my prized thesaurus.

I am at a loss for words.

Broke out the ouija board and asked "is my father's sister's ghost's spirit in the room?"

The board read "say aunt's."

I broke up with a girl once because she was having hallucinations.

She said "Carl, I.. can't see you anymore"... That was weird. I was like- "Babe, I'm standing right here." then she said "No, you don't understand... I'm seeing someone else" which was really bizarre because it was just the two of us in the room. I had to break it off after that.

My girlfriend just broke up with me for being too un-American...

But honestly, I saw it coming from a kilometer away.

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My friend came pissed off at me, saying that it had not even been two days since he broke up and I already had sex with his ex girlfriend

I said: Sorry dude, I didn't know you guys had broken up!!

I broke a mirror in my house, I’m supposed to get seven years of bad luck.

But my lawyer thinks he can get me five.

A woman is reading the newspaper and tells her friend about a deer that broke trough the front glass of a dollar store, doing $10,000 in damage.

He says, “well, good thing it wasn’t a $2 store”

Yo momma so fat, I pictured her in my head

And she broke my neck.

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Two men broke into a drugstore and stole all the Viagra.

The police put out an alert to be on the lookout for the two hardened criminals.

Car broke down

A woman from New York was driving through a remote part of Arizona when her car broke down. An American Indian on horseback came along and offered her a ride to a nearby town. She climbed up behind him on the horse and they rode off.

The ride was uneventful, except that every few minutes the ...

When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed.

But, somehow I always had something else to take care of first, the shed, the boat,
making beer.. Always something more important to me.

Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point.
When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away wit...

A robot broke a kids finger during a chess tournament.

Still processing it.

What did Michael Jackson tell his girlfriend when he broke up with her

It’s not you it’s Mee-Hee

A burglar broke into a house one night.

He shone his flashlight around, looking for valuables when a voice in the dark said, 'Jesus knows you're here.'

He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off, and froze. When he heard nothing more, he shook his head and continued.

Just as he pulled the stereo out so he c...

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My girlfriend broke up with me because she wanted to focus more on her work

Turns out she’s a sex worker.

My girlfriend just broke up with me for sleeping with her Grandmother

Turns out I can't have my Kate and Edith too.

A junkie broke into the local linguistics department

They were looking for morpheme

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A man is driving down a road when he breaks down next to a monastery. He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door and says "my car broke down. Do you think I could stay the night?"

The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, even fix his car. As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a strange sound.
The next morning, he asks the monks what the sound was, but they say, “We can’t tell you. You’re not a monk.”

The man is disappointed but thanks them anyway and go...

I told my doctor I broke my knee in 3 places

He said not to go to those places again

I broke up with my gf when she tore the Indonesian flag in half and threw away the white part.

It was a red flag.

Someone broke into my house and stole my Limbo trophy

Just how low can these criminals go

My longtime girlfriend broke things off because she said I was “too competitive…”

I don’t know what that means but I know who won the “I love you more” game.

What do you call a broke pirate?

Johnny Debt

Broke Drunk

I was sitting at a bar and this guy walked in, out of the rain, and sat down next to me. He asked the bar tender "How much does a double Chivas Regal cost?" The bar tender replied "That's pretty expensive - $20 a pop." The guy said "Great. Give me 10 of them." The bar tender poured 10 double CR's, l...

What did Captain Hook say when he broke up with his girlfriend?

"It's not you, it's Smee."

I once dated a girl from Tunisia

Her dad was from Trinidad and Tobago and her mum was from Morocco. Broke up with her in the end though. Too many red flags

Fire broke out at a local marijuana farm, and the smoke began to drift to a nearby cattle ranch.

The steaks were high

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broke up with my epileptic girlfriend

Now we're both jerking at night

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Who broke the doctor's thermometer?

Some asshole.

I was dating this girl, who is crossed eyed. We eventually broke up because we didn’t see eye to eye. But between you and me, I think she was seeing someone on the side.

This legit came out of my VP’s mouth while at work. haha

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A young man moved into a new apartment on his own, and went to the lobby to put his name on his mailbox.

While there, an attractive young lady came out of the apartment next to the mailboxes wearing a robe.

The boy smiled at the young woman and she started a conversation with him.

As they talked, her robe slipped open, and it was obvious that she had nothing else on. The poor kid broke in...

So i broke up with my blind girlfriend through a Braille message.

She couldn't believe her fingers.

In college, my roommates and I were so broke, we couldn’t afford to pay the electricity bill.

Those were the darkest days of our lives.

So my brother just broke up with his game console….

She’s now his X-Box!

The Penguin Joke

A truck delivering penguins to the Zoo broke down a few miles from its destination. The driver flagged an empty truck down. He said hey Buddy can you help me out I need to get these penguins to the zoo in the next hour and the repair truck will be here in about the same time, could you help me out a...

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A man died and found himself in Hell.

As he was walking through hell in despair, he met The Devil for the first time.

Devil asks him: "Hey, fellow. Why are you so desperate?"
Man: "What do you think? I'm in hell."

Devil: "Hell isn't that bad. We're having a lot of fun here. Do you like alcohol?"
Man: "Sure, I l...

I dreamed this joke

Seems quite strange, but in my dream I came up with this joke, and upon waking it actually makes sense as a joke to my great surprise. Usually when you have flashes of inspiration in a dream you wake up and realise it made absolutely zero sense.

Here's the joke.

Two horses were best ...

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My doctor said

"I've got bad news: Mercury is in Uranus."
I said, "I didn't know you were into that astrology stuff."
He said, "I'm not. My thermometer just broke."

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Exciting news, I recently broke several new records.

The owner of the record store was kind of a jerk about it though.

I broke up with my girlfriend via walkie talkie

She didn’t get it, no matter how many times I said it was over.

“Doctor, please help, my friend broke his leg.”

“Sorry, but I’m a vet, I specialize in horses.”

“Come on, please, it can’t be that big of a difference?”

“Ok fine, just let me get my rifle from the car.”

I dated a blind girl and she broke up with me.

Guess who's back with a different voice

An old Chinese story

A village was terrorized by a demon. The demon attacked people, ate their livestock, trampled their fields, screamed when they tried to sleep, blew out their lights, pinched their babies, threw their dinners on the floor, broke bowls, intentionally sang off key, and was a real nuisance. The villager...

I broke up with my ex because she told me she caught crabs

And I get seasick on boats.

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Pregnant Girlfriend Guy: But doctor that can't be right. We use condoms every time we have sex. Doctor: Well, the test result would suggest otherwise. Maybe the condom broke? Guy: No I'm sure it didn't.

Doctor: Alright then. Let me tell you a story. A guy was wandering in the forest where he encountered a tiger. The tiger looked really ferocious and the guy knew that he was doomed. Cornered, the guy then points his umbrella's tip at the tiger and shouts Bang at the tiger. The tiger died.

Guy...

Did you hear about the guy whose girlfriend broke up with him because he had a foot fetish?

I guess he got off on the wrong foot

Guy : Doctor, my Girlfriend is pregnant but we always use protection and the rubber never broke. How is it possible?

Doctor : Let me tell you a story: "There was once a Hunter who always carried a gun wherever he went. One day he took out his Umbrella instead of his Gun and went out. A Lion suddenly jumped infront of him. In order to scare the Lion, the Hunter used the Umbrella like a Gun, and shot the Lion, then ...

A global crisis broke out, affecting every nation and people of all kinds

In response, the world banded together and quickly solved the problem through mutual cooperation and understanding

What did Annie say when her doorbell broke?

"It's the hard knock life."

A mime in my town was arrested by the police after he broke his left hand in a bar fight.

He still….has the right to remain silent.

A man and his wife are awakened at 3 o’clock in the morning by a loud pounding on the door

The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.
Not a chance,” says the husband,
“it is 3 o’clock in the morning! He slams the door and returns to bed. Who was that?” asked his wife.
Just some drunk guy asking for a push,”...

What did people say when the Beatles broke up?

Ono

What do you call a Mexican guy who's car just broke down?

Joaquin
(Walking)

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I broke up with my girlfriend because of Zodiac signs incompatibility

She is a Pisces, and I don't believe in bullshit.

I broke up with my girlfriend, who is an Optometrist

She's a great lady, has a lot of my same interests, and is really a kind person. She's just really irritating in bed.

She's always saying, "So do like it better like this... or like this?"

I broke my leg in two places and my doctor said...

"I recommend you stay away from both those places in future."

Once upon a time, there lived a man who had a terrible passion for baked beans.

He loved them dearly, but they always had an embarrassing and somewhat explosive effect on him.


One day he met a girl and fell in love. When it became apparent that they would marry, he thought to himself, “she’ll never go through with the marriage with me carrying on like this,” so...

(Stolen from my band teacher) I broke up with my console recently,

It’s now my ex-box. It wasn’t anything personal I just wanted a switch.

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I broke up with my girlfriend because she screamed too much during sex

Sometimes I could hear it two blocks away

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A Danish man entered the international cow milking competition

The man was considered a legend in Denmark and it was said that he could get any cow to produce 20 litres of milk at a time. The people of his country, including his wife and children, were sure that the Danish man would win the competition.

The American first went up on stage — the crowd ch...

A thief broke into my house last night

He started searching for money so I woke up and searched with him

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The Alternative Healer

A man has been sick for quite some time, and the many doctors he's seen can't seem to figure out what's wrong with him.

So the man decides to go see an alternative healer. While going through the initial exam, the man asks the healer,

"So doc, do you think I'll be okay?"

The h...

Some kids broke into Twycross zoo and threw a penguin into the lion's den

It was total carnage. They couldn't even get the wrapper off!

A naked man broke into a church. The police chased him around and finally

caught him by the organ.

Husband: Honey, I broke a glass in the kitchen:Wife: I am coming with the broom.

Husband: It isn't urgent. You can come on foot

Be careful parking around the AT&T Stadium

I left my car for about 15 minutes with my Cowboys tickets in the front seat.

Someone broke in and left two more

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My girlfriend was getting upset that I was constantly horny...

... so she broke it off.

I lost my watch at a party once... An hour later I saw some guy stepping on it while he was harassing some woman at that party. Infuriated, I immediately went over, punched him and broke his nose.

No one does that to a woman, not on my watch!

What did the weighing scale say when someone broke its limit

-32768

I tried to make a belt with a clock in it, but the belt was too big and the clock broke.

Overall it was just a huge waste of time.

I broke my finger last week.

On the other hand, I’m okay.

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A farmer leaned on his new fence and it broke.

"This is a shit post."

I broke up with a girl because the red flag she had was just too big for me to ignore

She said she was practicing for Chinese flag bearing but my place is too small for that

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Sal the boxing promoter gets a call Saturday morning of fight night

“Hey boss, it’s Joe at the gym. Big Frank’s had an accident and broke his thumb. He can’t fight for a month”
Sal goes into a melt down. Big Frank was his heavyweight prospect and the headline of that nights card in the Big Apple. Faced with refunding the tickets he gets on the phone to all the ot...

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A priest and a rabbi were sitting in adjacent seats on an airplane.

After a while the priest turned to the rabbi and asked, “Is it still a requirement of your faith that you not eat pork?”

The rabbi responded, “Yes, that is still one of our laws.”

The priest then asked, “Have you ever eaten pork?”

“Yes, on one occasion I did succumb to temptatio...

My friend Jennie broke her femur a couple days before the trail relay race.

So her husband Andy had to fill in for her leg.

My girlfriend broke up with me because of my “lack of vocabulary”…

What’s that even supposed to mean?

My friend William recently broke his legs and is now in a wheelchair

We call him Wheeliam now

My mom runs her own garage

She's an amazing mother but she makes the lamest jokes, which are a source of constant annoyance for me. After an exceptionally bad day (I woke up late, spilled coffee on my white shirt, my SUV was malfunctioning so I reached office late, the printer was jammed so I had to take printouts of the repo...

An Accountant's secret to success.

An accountant in a big firm had a very strange habit. Every morning he used to open his drawer, look at a paper, place the paper back in the drawer and then lock it again.

The trainees were very curious and often wondered if his success was hidden on that piece of paper.

So one day, w...

I broke up with my girlfriend Lorraine and hooked up with a girl named Claire Lee.

I can see Claire Lee now Lorraine is gone.

My bullies broke my MP3-Player at school. Luckily, my parents bought me an MP4 for my birthday, but these idiots destroyed it again.

Tomorrow, I'll bring an MP5.

My girlfriend broke up with me so I stole her wheelchair

Guess who came crawling back

A Burglar broke into our house last night. I didn't shoot him. I just put the red laser dot on his forehead.

Our three cats did the rest.

Bill wakes up with a huge hangover.

He forces himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins and a glass of water on the side table.

He sits down and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed.

Bill looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotless, and clea...

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Late one night, a burglar broke in to a house...

As he was snooping around, looking for valuables, he heard a voice say "Jesus is watching you."

Scared, the burglar ducked behind a couch and frantically looked around. Not seeing anybody, he started snooping again. And again he heard the voice say "Jesus is watching you."

He ducked be...

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During my check-up

I asked the Doctor, "Do you think I'll live a long and healthy life then?"

He replied, "I doubt it somehow. Mercury is in Uranus right now."

I said, "I don't go in for any of that astrology nonsense."

He replied, "Neither do I. My thermometer just broke."

Optician.

A man goes to the opticians to get a new pair of glasses, the optician checks his records and finds that the man only had new glasses less than six months before. so he says to the man, "How did you break them, if it was in an accident, we might be able to replace them free."

the man says, "I...

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Did you hear that a sewer pipe broke at the football stadium during a game?

Apparently, the shit hit the fans.

Today I broke the lamp outside my neighbor's house

For some reason he's delighted

I was walking my dog through the neighborhood when his leash broke, he ran off, and headed straight into a Chinese restaurant.

I ran inside and found him in the kitchen. To my horror, he was peeing on all the cookware! The cooks were yelling at him angrily, so I stepped in and said, "Please don't be mad at him. I'm the one who said he needed to go on a wok."

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A Jew, a Muslim, and a Jehovah's Witness were driving through the countryside when their car broke down.

The only house in the vicinity was an old farmhouse, so they decided to stay there for the night.

"I'm so sorry," said the farmer. "The bed in the guest room only has room for two people." So he volunteered the Jew to sleep in the barn.

Five minutes later, the farmer heard a knock on t...

I loaned my girlfriend $100 sometime soon after we met. After 3 years, when I broke up with her, she returned exactly $100.

I guess I just lost interest in that relationship.

I went fishing but my hook fell off, then my line broke, then my pole snapped.

In frustration I threw my broken pole into the water where it hit a fish and killed it.


It was a fluke.

my first love just broke up with me…

eh, at least we can still be cousins

My apartment is so small...

I tried putting a key in a lock, and broke a window.

At first, I wasn't embarrassed about the way I broke my arm

But I heard the doctors calling it a "humerus fracture"

My father, who as a child loved baseball, once told me about a time that his dad broke his favorite baseball bat in half because he came home late one night.

When I was younger, and I loved video games, my dad smashed my Playstation after he found a pack of cigarettes in my room. Now, as a father myself, I told myself I'd never do this to *my* son. My son loves BMX and wants to be in the X-Games. Last night I caught him using my credit card to gamble onl...

Broke my humerus today.

It’s really not as funny as it sounds.

I broke two of my dads Queen records...

Now I want to break three.

What do you call someone that makes an honest living?

Broke.

I hit the gym today

And broke my wrist against the facade

I have a bull that wouldn't breed with the other cows.

So I called the veterinarian and he gave me some pills for the bull. About 2 hours after giving the pills to the bull, he started breeding with all the cows, he even broke the fence and bred with the neighbors cows. I don't know what was in those pills, but they kind of taste like peppermint.

I broke up with my girlfriend when she told me she used to be Christian.

I only knew her as Christina and this was too much of a shock.

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Carl broke his leg, and his buddy Nick came over to see him.

Nick said, "Is there anything I can do for you?"

Carl said, “actually, my feet are fucking freezing. Do me a favor, run upstairs and get some socks.”

Nick went upstairs. Not having been there before, he opened the wrong bedroom door and saw Carl's gorgeous 19-year old twin sisters lyin...

My girlfriend broke up with me because I quote Linkin Park too much.

But in the end, it doesn’t even matter.

Two guys were having car trouble.

Their car eventually broke down in the country near a farm. It was late and cold so they decided they would ask the farmer if he would put them up for the night.


They approached the farmhouse and knocked on the door. The farmer, a massive bearded hulk of a man, brandishing a double-barrel...

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The Golfer

A man was at the country club for his weekly round of golf. He began his round with an eagle on the first hole and a birdie on the second.

On the third hole he had just scored his first ever hole-in-one when his cell phone rang.

It was a doctor in the hospital emergency room notifyin...

My radiator broke.



Not cool.

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