What are smart people in America called?

Tourist

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A cabbie is waiting outside a Vegas casino when a smartly-dressed man runs out in a state of extreme distress.

He comes up to the cab and says "You've got to get me to the airport straight away! I'm needed in New York as soon as possible, there's millions at stake!" and the cabbie says "Sure, no problem, fella, just fifty bucks for the fare and we're good to go".

The smartly-dressed man says "This is ...

What do we call smart people in the US?

Tourists.

What is the difference between a smart blonde and a UFO?

There have been sightings of UFOs

My sister thinks shes so smart, shes said onions are the only food that makes you cry

So I threw a coconut at her

I downloaded Chrome on my Samsung Smart Fridge.

It became an oven.

I love my girlfriend. She's always there for me, she's super smart, and she really understands me. But I've caught her talking to other guys. Lots of other guys. I want to tell her she has to choose me or them, but I'm afraid I'll lose her if I do.

Her name is Alexa.

When traveling through nature, it's always smart to bring a seasoned hiker with you.

It's a well known fact that bears find unseasoned hikers bland and tasteless.

I'm not saying I'm smart but

has anyone seen me and a smart person in the same room?

The guy who invented auto-correct for smart phones passed away today.

Restaurant in peace.

Why are smart lights turned off when they update ?

To not attract bugs

What do you call a fish that is not smart, a dumb bass

Now laugh

Donald Trump is being followed by smart ideas

But he's faster

99.9% of people are dumb

Fortunately, I belong to 1% of smart people

SMART TV

Just bought the latest model. When Trump appears and starts talking, it turns itself off !

Why are Golden Retrievers so smart?

Because they always *get* things :D

Sharing for my 70 yr old mother. Why are computers so smart?

Because they listen to their motherboards.

What do you call a smart person in America?

A foreigner.

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When I was 13, I hoped that one day I would have a girlfriend with big tits.

When I was 16, I got a girlfriend with big tits, but there was no passion, so I
decided I needed a passionate girl with zest for life.
In college I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional. Everything was
an emergency; she was a drama queen, cried all the time and threatened suici...

Why is the Sun so smart?

It has a lot of degrees

A farmer bragged to his friend about his smart chickens

"How do you know they're smart?"

"They love classical music! That's smarty-pants music right there."

"And how do you know that's what they like?"

"Every morning, I say to the chickens 'What music for today?' and they ask for their favorite composer: 'Bach, Bach, Bach!'"

The smart and the dumb

S:If I ask you a question,and you dont know the answer,you will have to give me 1 dollar,but if I dont know the answer to your question, i will have to give you 10 dollars,Okay?

D:Okay.

S:What is the thing called that is made of wood and we eat on it?

D:I dunno, here is your 1 d...

Why is it if banks have become so smart that they can allow you to deposit a check from a picture,

but they won't let you do the same thing with a picture of cash?

Anti vaccine dads are smart

Cause they only do eight years of child-support instead of 18

What's the difference between Smart Criminals and Dumb Criminals?

Dumb Criminals break laws



Smart Criminals make laws

Maria is smart. Be like Maria!

Maria went home happy, telling her mother about how she earned $20 by climbing a tree. Her mom responded, "Maria, they just wanted to see your panties!" Maria replied, "See Mom, I was smart, I took them off!"

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A blonde woman wants to prove she is smart.

So she dyes her hair brunette and goes out for a challenge.
She finds a shepherd with a big herd,
and asks him if she can guess the number of sheep in the first try and if she guesses right she could keep one of the sheep.
The shepherd agrees. After a good look at the herd she thinks and te...

Smart blonde, honest politican and grandma are walking into a bar

Who orders beer?



Grandma because other characters are fictional!

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What do you call a smart butt?

A studious gluteus

I saw a man cutting a pizza with a smart phone

I know it's cutting edge technology but jeez

It's hard to argue with a smart person

But it's impossible to argue with a dumb person.

I know i was a smart kid

When i was like 8 or 9 i threw my father's phone from the terrace, by turning the airplane mode on cause i thought it would take off. And after 10 years, here i am studying engineering realizing that airplanes don't take off mid-air. I should've tried it on the ground.

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If being Smart and Sexy was a crime

I’d be on America’s Most wanted, not because I’m smart or sexy, but because I’ve committed various war crimes in Vietnam.


(This was probably done before.)

Smart criminals

Dumb criminals commit violent crimes that don’t pay too well.

Smart criminals commit white collar crimes.

Really smart criminals become politicians.

The rain was pouring down outside O'Connor's Irish Pub.

The rain was pouring down outside O'Connor's Irish Pub. There
standing in front of a big puddle outside the pub was an old Irishman,
drenched, holding a stick, with a piece of string dangling in the
water.
A passer-by stopped and asked him, "What are you doing?
“Fishing” , replied the...

A women is out golfing and finds a frog trapped in the woods...

A Woman was out golfing one day when she hit the ball into the woods.

She went into the woods to look for it and found a frog in a trap.

The frog said to her, ‟If you release me from this trap, I will grant you three wishes.”

The woman freed the frog, and the frog s...

**BLONDE** What do you call a smart blonde?

A Golden Retriever.

If someone gave you $200 because “you’re ugly”, would you take the money?

Me: Absolutely! I’m ugly, not stupid.

Not a proper joke but it was the smart answer that made me giggle.

Why are fish so smart

Because they spend a lot of time hanging out in schools

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A man walks into a bar with a donkey and an ostrich.

He sits down at the counter and asks for a beer.

“That will be 5.98$, sir.”, the bartender says.

The man, puts his hand into his pocket and pulls out 5 dollars and 98 cents in exact change.

“How much will it cost to buy everyone here a round of drinks?”, the man asks, taking a s...

Everyone knows I am extremely smart

After all I have a theoretical degree in physics

People with glasses are elegidly smart

But they can't even pass an eye exam.

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Smart pills

Little Billy is standing in the barn with his grandpa

There are rabbits in the barn and their droppings are all over the floor.

The boy says, "What are all these pellets on the ground, grandpa?"

Grandpa says, "They're smart pills, Billy. Eat them and you'll get smarter."
<...

A smart farmer

A young guy called Tommy bought a horse from a farmer for $250 and the farmer agreed to deliver the horse to Tommy the following day.

The next day though, the farmer turned up at Tommy’s house and said, “Sorry son, but I have some bad news, the horse died.”

Tommy replied, “Well, then j...

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Our smart devices are spying on us, and I have proof!

I used my smart camera to take a dick pic, and within an hour the algorithm started sending me targeted ads for army helmets and bean bag chairs.

I usually put my smartphone in my back pocket

now I’m a smart ass

Why are men smart but women are talkative?

Because men have 2 heads while women have 4 lips

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My favourite Old Dirty / Clean Joke

A young man wished to purchase a present for his sweetheart, and after careful consideration, he decided on a pair of gloves. Accompanied by his sweetheart's sister, he went to a department store and bought a pair of white gloves. The sister purchased a pair of panties for herself. During the wrappi...

A Russian joke

An American, a Serbian, a Russian and a Greek are stuck in a falling airplane. There are only three parachutes there.

The American says “I am from the most important country. Let me jump, I am important.” The Serbian gives him a parachute and the American jumps.

Then the Greek says “I ...

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A London lawyer runs a stop sign..

And gets pulled over by an Irish cop. This hotshot sure knows he's better educated and definitely smarter than some random Irish cop. He decides to prove to himself how smart he is while having some fun at the cop.

Irish cop:"License and registration, please."

"What for?", lawyer asks....

The jester and the king

It's a well known fact that humorists are more intelligent than the run of the mill average joe on the street. It's also a well known fact that it's not always a good idea to flaunt those extra smarts.

One day, the royal court was lounging around in a bored state. Without thinking, the jeste...

Why do smart people like to use big words?

It makes them sound more photosynthesis.

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Interviewer: are you smart? Bob: I'm not smart, but I am clever. Interviewer: How so? Bob: in class, I sat next to the dumbest and second dumbest person in class, I'm the third dumbest, but by peeking at their tests, I got the highest score in the class.



Interviewer: how's that possible? Bob: by process of elimination. None of our answers could be correct.

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A lawyer and a senior citizen are sitting next to each other on a long flight.

The lawyer is thinking that seniors are so dumb that he could get one over on them easily.

So, the lawyer asks if the senior would like to play a fun game. The senior is tired and just wants to take a nap, so he politely declines and tries to catch a few winks.

The lawyer persists, say...

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A guy walks into a bar and takes a seat.

Before he can order a beer, the bowl of pretzels in front of him says "Hey, you're a handsome fellow."

The man tries to ignore the bowl of pretzels, and orders a fine Pilsner beer.

The bowl of pretzels then says "Ooooh, a pilsner, great choice. Fucking smart man."

Starting to...

While watching TV with his wife, a man tosses peanuts into the air and catches them in his mouth.

While watching TV with his wife, a man tosses peanuts into the air and catches them in his mouth. Just as he throws another peanut into the air, the front door opens, causing him to turn his head. The peanut falls into his ear and gets stuck. His daughter comes in with her date. The man explains the...

Three men die and go to heaven

When they arrive at the Pearly Gates, St. Peter says to them, "Congratulations; you made it into heaven! God has one rule, however, which is: **YOU CANNOT STEP ON, KILL, OR TOUCH A DUCK.** If you do, you will be punished.**"**

The men think this is rather strange, but they agree.

A cou...

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Wrote this in r/videos. It made me laugh. Who Want To Be A Millionaire America version.

WWTBAM person: "Oh, you won a million dollars? Let me just get that for you."

Winner: "Thanks."

WWTBAM person: "Ok. First we take a tax cut of 25%."

Winner: "Wait, what?"

WWTBAM person: "Next we're going to seperate it into 20."

Winner: "Hold on a second, what are ...

A grandfather and his young grandson were out walking one morning after a light rain...

They notice an earthworm on the ground having just crawled out of its burrow.

“Tell you what- if you can figure out a way to get that worm back in its hole, I’ll give you $10.”

The kid thinks for a second and tells his grandpa he’ll be right back.

He returns a few minutes lat...

Ouch, that smarts

Confucius say, man who go through airport turnstile sideways going to Bangkok.

Bill is smart, He built only 20 parking spaces.

One company owner asked the other- Tell me Bill, How come your employees are always on time in the morning?

Bill- Easy 30 employees and 20 parking spaces.

Apparently, Google is not that smart as people think

Recently I asked Google Translator, how "Je ne sais pas" is translated, and it replied: "I do not know".

Two dog owners are arguing about whose pet is smarter.

“My dog is so smart,” says the first owner, “that every morning he goes to the store and buys me a sesame seed bagel with chive cream cheese, stops off at Starbucks and picks me up a mocha latte, and then comes home and turns on ESPN, all before I get out of bed.” “I know,” says the second owner. “H...

I was so smart I was called special in grade 2...

any way its been 4 years and I'm 15 now

There were 3 prisoners: Billy, Bob, and Joe.

Billy was smart, Bob was an average human, and Joe was an idiot.

One day, Billy thought up a plan to escape.

He whispered to Bob, "We're busting out tonight. Pass it on."

Bob whispered to Joe, "We're busting out tonight. Pass it on."

Joe whispered to the guard, "We're bus...

It's no surprise Nevada is taking so long to count their ballots

Anyone smart enough to count in Vegas gets kicked out and banned for life

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Why do blonde girls have bruises around their belly buttons?

Because blonde guys aren't that smart either.

I may not be smart, or attractive, or likeable, or rich.

But at least I don't have self-confidence issues.

Apple just finished designing a smart car.

They are having trouble installing Windows

My girlfriend is so smart!

I forgot to bring my phone, so I used my friend's phone to call her.

She answered: "What's up, honey?"

What a smart girl! She knew I was the one on the phone!

JFK must have really liked smart women

Everybody used to look at Jackie O and say, “Check out the brains on her.”

Smart shoes

A fiend of mine bought some new shoes a while back, they were called smart shoes, no matter how drunk you were they could always walk you home!

One day my friend got blind drunk and woke up miles from home near the beach, apparently the shoes got bored going from his local bar to the flat, th...

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Tarzan smart

One day Jane met Tarzan in the jungle. She was very attracted to him and during her questions about his life she asked him how he managed for sex. "What's that?" he asked. She explained to him what sex was and he said, "Oh, I use a hole in the trunk of a tree." Horrified, she said, "Tarzan, you have...

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A friend of mine is dating blondes only. I don't find that very smart.

TBH, it's fucking stupid.

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A first grader kid, John, always asked his teacher, Kate, to place him in a higher grade's class.

"You put me in the wrong class, madam" he says, "I am at least as smart as my older sister bu she is in the third grade, I am not!"

He complained so much that Kate decides to take him to the principal and she tells the story. "Hmm" principal says, "Let's check if it's true or not. If he deser...

What do you call a person who has outstanding street smarts?

A roads scholar

My Girlfriend couldn’t remember the name of a certain 90s sitcom.

I told her, Blossom (that’a my nickname for her), let’s take this Step by Step. We are far from Perfect Strangers, so I will Coach you through this. As Time Goes By you will see that I’m a Smart Guy, but If I can’t help you, we will start calling our Friends for help. Except for your brother Frasier...

Crows aren’t so smart after all

The South Carolina Dept of Transportation found over 200 dead crows on highways recently, and there was a concern that they may have died from Avian Flu. A Pathologist examined the remains of all the crows, and, to everyone's relief, confirmed the problem was NOT Avian Flu. The cause of death appear...

What's the only difference between the US and the movie Idiocracy?

They put the smart one in charge in the movie...

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Smart ass answers

A college teacher reminds her class of the next day’s final exam.


“Now class, I won’t tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury, illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that’s it, no other excuses wh...

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John, the second least popular kid in our class tried to act over smart...

So, John decides to come up to me one day - out of the blue - and tries to up his status among the class by picking on the one kid that had no friends - again, me.

“So, I saw your father yesterday.”

This was curious. I knew my father was at work, so it was highly unlikely that John wou...

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When you’re dressed all in black and some smart ass asks you who died, simply look around the room and say

“I haven’t decided yet."

A butcher is at work, chopping up some meat when he hears the door open.

He walks to the door and sees a golden retriever with a note in its mouth. The butcher, amused, grabs the note and reads it. The note says, "I'll take a dozen sausage links. Keep the change." The butcher scoffs and is about to throw the note away until he takes another look at the dog, who is now ho...

If the waters so “Smart”

Then why’s it in the bottle?

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An American spy is drinking in a Soviet bar.

He is hoping for a politician to come and get drunk, so that he can steal secret Soviet intel.

All of a sudden, a Russian man walks up to him and says: "You! It is clear that you are a Western spy!"

The spy keeps his cool, he was trained for this. He speaks to the man in perfect Russia...

Calling your bug spray company "Off" is really smart because when your thrifty wife tells you to buy the "off brand" you'll still be buying the expensive name brand item.

had this thought last night and I need help turning this into a joke

"Remember son, a smart person always has doubts about something. Only a total idiot is 100% sure about everything."

"Dad, are you sure?"

"Absolutely."

Im against smart clocks

I guess you could say im anti-clockwise

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My smart watch tracks my wrist movement while I'm watching porn...

The feature is called a step-sibling counter.

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A man in Alabama wants a vasectomy, so he goes to his doctor.

"I need me one o' them vay-sectomies" the man told the doc.

The doctor tells him it's a simple procedure, all he needs to do is light an m-80 and count to 10.

That didn't make a lot of sense to the man, so he went to Emery to see another doctor

"I need me a vay-sectomy" said the...

I bought a smart car recently and I unfortunately got in an accident

Now my car has a learning disability

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A man enters a taxi and sees a man eating something...

He asks the driver "what ya eating?" The driver responds "smart tablets" so the man asks if he could have one. 15 minutes later the man says "I don't feel any smarter, can I have another?" The driver hands him another. 15 minutes later he says the same thing and the driver offers him another, this t...

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One of my great grandfather’s favorite jokes...

A guys walking down the street with a bag of rabbit droppings he runs into one of his friends who asks what’s in the bag. Guy says “Smart Pills,” his friend says “Gimme one of them Smart Pills,” then reaches in the bag and pops a handful of them in his mouth. He looks at the guy and says “These smar...

I am so forgetful that I always forget to pack my calculator before my math tests. But I am so smart that I have only failed them a few times...

So few that I can count on my fingers

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Plane in a storm.

A plane gets caught up in a violent storm. Lightning bolts hit the plane several times, strong winds buffet it in all directions. All of the passengers are sure they are going to die. Some are screaming, many are throwing up, a few are praying.

Finally, an attractive, smartly-dressed business...

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