My friend thought he was being smart, and said “Onions are the only food that makes you cry”.

So I shoved a carrot up his ass

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There was once a really smart bee.

Ever since he was little, he had always wanted more than the simple, boring lives led by his fellow bees. After a few years, he left his job, his hive, and his family behind, in search of a better life.
He flew for hours until he came to a small Virginia town, on the edge of a forest. He landed, ...

A smart farmer

A young guy called Tommy bought a horse from a farmer for $250 and the farmer agreed to deliver the horse to Tommy the following day.

The next day though, the farmer turned up at Tommy’s house and said, “Sorry son, but I have some bad news, the horse died.”

Tommy replied, “Well, then j...

Apple just finished designing a smart car.

They are having trouble installing Windows

A blonde woman decides that she is tired of all the blonde jokes and how all blondes are seen as stupid, so she decides to show her husband that blondes really are smart.

While her husband is off at work, she decides that she is going to paint a couple of rooms in the house. The next day, right after her husband leaves for work, she gets down to the task at hand.

Her husband arrives home at 5:30 and smells the distinctive and strong smell of paint. He walks in...

I use to support higher spending on education. But then I learned a harsh truth. No matter how smart we we make children,

50% of them will still be below average.

JFK must have really liked smart women

Everybody used to look at Jackie O and say, “Check out the brains on her.”

The smart kid

Maria went home happy, telling her mother about how she earned $20 by climbing a tree. Her mom responded, "Maria, they just wanted to see your panties!" Maria replied, "See Mom, I was smart, I took them off!"

What do you call a person who has outstanding street smarts?

A roads scholar

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Smart-ass kid wants to challenge a famous gunfighter.

He walks into the saloon, and says "My name's Jimmy Johnson, and I'm here to challenge Black Bart to a showdown at noon tomorrow!"

The bartender says "Well, if you're going to try to outdraw Black Bart, you 'd better be prepared."

The kid says "I've got my gun, I've been practicing for...

Interviewer: are you smart? Bob: I'm not smart, but I am clever. Interviewer: How so? Bob: in class, I sat next to the dumbest and second dumbest person in class, I'm the third dumbest, but by peeking at their tests, I got the highest score in the class.

Interviewer: how's that possible?
Bob: by process of elimination. None of our answers could be correct.

People have been assuming I'm smart when they see my glasses case

but it's not until they see I store a mars bar in it they realise my true genius .

Calling your bug spray company "Off" is really smart because when your thrifty wife tells you to buy the "off brand" you'll still be buying the expensive name brand item.

had this thought last night and I need help turning this into a joke

You don't need to be good looking to be found attractive. You could be funny, smart, and kind.

So looks like I am striking out on a lot of fronts.

What do you call smart cheese ?

sharp cheddar

Why do doctors allow smart phones in the delivery room?

Push notifications.

If autocorrect were really smart, it would know when I meant gave or have.

*have or gave

I finally become smart enough...

...to know I'm dumb.

Tyrion Lannister was unusually smart

Usually, white dwarfs are very dense.

Why do smart cavemen do their tests on stone tablets?

Because the tests are harder

Crows are super smart

There was a study conducted on crows using cars to crack open nuts. They'd place the nut on the road during a red light, let the cars run over the nuts, and then retrieve them during the next red light.

The study also found a second interesting discovery, there were a large number of crows ...

My girlfriend is so smart

Once I forgot to bring my phone when I went out for the day.

I borrowed my friend's phone to call her.

She answered "What's up baby?"

She is so smart she knew I was the one calling her.

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Dave was thinking about men and woman and had an Epiphany.

He ran downstairs to tell his wife.

“Hey honey, I think I have figured out the difference between men and women!” Dave said.

“Oh?...” she replied with a concerned inquisition.

“Yeah see, it’s like wisdom vs intelligence. Guys, we’re pretty dumb, but we know how to handle tough s...

Smart Pills

A poor man who has no money decides to paint peas different colors and sell them at a market, labeling them as smart pills for $5 a piece.

A man walks over to his booth and buys a 'pill.'
Doesn't seem to comprehend

He decides to buy another one.
Still not hitting him

He bu...

What do you call a smart blonde?

A golden retriever

A blonde and a millionaire are on a plane

The millionaire is a very smart guy. He sees the blonde & decides to play a game with her for a quick laugh. He goes up to her, and says:

"Hey let's play a game. I'll ask you a question. If you can't guess it, you give me $5. Then you ask me one, if I can't guess it, I'll give you $10,00...

Crows aren’t so smart after all

The South Carolina Dept of Transportation found over 200 dead crows on highways recently, and there was a concern that they may have died from Avian Flu. A Pathologist examined the remains of all the crows, and, to everyone's relief, confirmed the problem was NOT Avian Flu. The cause of death appear...

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According to my new fitness smart watch

I’ve masturbated for 4 miles already today.

Smart neighbour

Chris is sitting on his front porch sees his neighbour walking down the street with 22 rolls of duct tape, so he asks him, "What you doing with all that duct tape?" And his neighbour replies, "I'm going to catch me some ducks". Confused, Chris tells him, "that's not how duct tape works, but okay" an...

A dumb blonde, a smart blonde, and an antivaxx adult find a $100 bill on the ground, who picks it up?

The dumb blonde, because the other two don't exist.

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When you’re dressed all in black and some smart ass asks you who died, simply look around the room and say

“I haven’t decided yet."

So I heard Microsoft is making smart fences now...

The main problem is they Bill Gates.

Communism is like a smart but unskilled piano player.

Good in theory but bad in practice.

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Smart man

A man had three beautiful girlfriends but didn't know which one to marry. As a t decided to give each woman $5,000 to see how they would spend it. e first girlfriend went out and got herself est, he a complete makeover. She told him, "I spent he money so I could look pretty for you be cause I love y...

Why are computers so smart?

Because they listen to their motherboards

Why is ice so smart?

Because it has 32 degrees.

John, the second least popular kid in our class tried to act over smart...

So, John decides to come up to me one day - out of the blue - and tries to up his status among the class by picking on the one kid that had no friends - again, me.

“So, I saw your father yesterday.”

This was curious. I knew my father was at work, so it was highly unlikely that John wou...

Why are fish so smart?

Because they are always in a school

The wishes conundrum...

A woman was out golfing one day when she hit the ball into the woods.

She went into the woods to look for it and found a frog in a trap.

The frog said to her, "If you release me from this trap, I will grant you three wishes."



The woman freed the frog, and the frog said, ...

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Lee Smart was always a trouble maker throughout his life.

In school, Lee Smart was always getting in trouble. His friend, Isaac, always stuck by his side, though. They were always best friends.

Though Isaac was getting sick of Lee’s crap. Lee kept drinking and driving, he kept smoking Marijuana and snorting Cocaine. Isaac was so close to just leavi...

Why is a computer so smart?

Because it listens to it's motherboard.

What makes the sun so smart?

A million degrees

My buddy and I have a picture of the Islamic God on the smart card inside our mobile phones.

We're very SIM Allah.

Does making a chemistry joke make you sound smart?

Nitrogen Oxygen.

Dad: Remember son, a smart person always has doubts about something. Only an idiot is always 100% sure about everything.

Son: Dad, are you sure?

Dad: Absolutely.

I am not smart enough to understand everything proven by science

Most of it I just take on faith

An Architect, a Doctor and a Lawyer are boasting about how smart their dogs are.

They finally agree that each will demonstrate their dog's prowess.

The architect calls his dog, puts some clay on the table and says, "Build
me a model of the Eiffel Towel." The dog does so and the architect throws
him a biscuit.

The doctor calls his dog and as he does he sees t...

I finally got a smart dishwasher....

My wife finished college.

What do you call a donkey wearing glasses

A smart ass

My Starbucks barista thinks he's so smart

just because he has a PhD in humanities.

A blond is driving down country roads feeling smart because she dyed her hair brown

She turns a corner and finds the road completely blacked by sheep. The farmer comes it the the window and apologizes for blockage, he says they’ll be past in a few minutes. The “brunette” looks at the sheep and back at the farmer and says “if I can guess how meant sheep are there can I have one?” Th...

I married a beautiful woman — a smart one, too.

Hopefully they’ll never meet.

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I have the ideal female body, "thicc" ass, huge tits and i am smart too.

Sadly i am a man.

Google isn’t as smart as I thought it was.

I asked google what IDK meant and it said ‘I don’t know’

I hate people who are smarter than me.

That's why I hate everyone.

TIL dolphins are so smart that if you put them in a library, they would impress a great many people

However, this kills them

You might think that I’m smart because I have an A in math

But I’m pretty dumb because I have a D in your mom

Smart people aren't born there made

In China....

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Smart baby

Smartest baby ever born was born this morning. 

He came out and looked at the doctor and said, "are you my doctor?" 
Doc says, "Yes, yes I am!" 
Baby says, "Thanks for taking such good care of me and my momma during the pregnancy and through the birthing process." 

Then, baby loo...

Why are miscarried children very smart?

Because they weren't born yesterday.

Wanna know what you call a smart crackhead?

A geologist.

My brother was always the smart one that everyone loved. I was the dumb kid. While I sold drugs down by the beach, he became a doctor in applied maths.

But even so, he's still my brother. I'll never stop lending him money when he needs it.

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I am smart

I am smart but brokenhearted,
I tried to fart but instead I sharted.

- - Emily Dickinson, 1626

Little Johnny is in 1st grade, but extremely smart.

One day his friend asks him how he’s so clever.

Little Johnny answers: Simple, I use association.

During this, their teacher is listening and thinks this is a big word for a first grader so the teacher decided to test him.

Teacher: Johnny I heard you telling your friend about...

Smart first grader

A first-grade teacher can’t believe her student isn’t hepped-up about the Super Bowl. “It’s a huge event. Why aren’t you excited?”

“Because I’m not a football fan. My parents love basketball, so I do too,” says the student.

“Well, that’s a lousy reason,” says the teacher. “What if your...

Students are smart

Chemistry Professor: Now, class, here I have a beaker of H2SO4, and here I have a gold ring. Suppose I drop the ring into the sulphuric acid. Will the gold dissolve?

Student: No

Professor: Good. And will you please tell us why not?

Student: If it would dissolve, you wouldn’t put...

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Koala bears are smart

A koala bear picks up a prostitute and after tries to sneak out of the motel room before the prostitute wakes up. As he opens the door, the protitute wakes up and says "where do you think you're going? You haven't paid me yet". The koala is confused and refuses to pay, so the protitute says "let's ...

He's so smart, he's like a walking, talking...

Stephen Hawking

*^-Jimmy ^Carr*

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Smart diagnosis machine

One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Kevin says to Mike behind him, "My elbow hurts like hell. I guess I better see a doctor."

"Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money," Mike replies. "There's a diagnostic computer at the drugstore at the corner. Just give it a urine sample ...

You know the joke where a guy tells another guy to eat rabbit pellets saying that they are "smart pills"?

The second guy comes back the next day and says, "Hey, these are rabbit pellets! They're not smart pills at all!"

And the first guy says, "You see, they're working already."

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I’ll admit that Chinese kids in math class are pretty smart

But doing it with their eyes closed... that’s a bit cocky

Bottled Smart Water Can't be that smart!

I mean it got caught.

What do you call someone who is smart compared to horses?

A stable genius

A dumb man and a smart man are having a contest...

If the smart man asks the dumb man a question and the dumb man answers wrong, then the dumb man owes the smart man $1. However, if the dumb man asks the smart man a question and the smart man answers wrong, then the smart man must give $100 to the dumb man.

Smart man: What has 4 legs and goes...

A stupid guy and a smart guy have a job interview

The smart guy goes into the interview room first and is met by three people on the panel.

The first one asks, “Who do you think the best soccer player in the world is?”

The smart guy replies, “Before it was Ronaldo but now it’s Messi.

The second interviewer asks, “When did the p...

Smart vs dumb

Smart one (S) has a proposition for a dumb one (D):
S: We'll be solving riddles, and since you're dumb, you will pay me a quarter for each you don't solve. Aand since I'm the smart one, I will pay you 10 dollars for each unsolved.
D: Good.
S: Here we go, it's little, green and jumps a lot, ...

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