A blonde pays $1,000,000 to use a stadium to prove blondes are smart.

She fills the stadium with 80,000 other blondes and calls one up to prove, on live TV, that blondes are smart. She starts simply with a math question.
“What’s twenty plus three?” She asks the young volunteer. The little blonde thinks and timidly whispers into the mic “nine?” Soon a chorus of 80,...

My sister thought she was soo smart, she said the only vegetable/fruit that can make her cry is a onion

So I threw a coconut at her

My friend thinks he is smart...

He told me an onion is the only food that makes you cry, so I threw a coconut at his face.

A smart cop, a dumb cop and cinderella walk down the street and see a dropped coin on the ground. Who picks it up?

The dumb cop; because Cinderella and a smart cop exist only in stories.

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I think gays are pretty much all smart people.

They're a homo genius group.

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Student Says He’s Too Smart for First Grade.

A first grade teacher was having trouble with one of her students named Johnny. One day, she asked Johnny what his problem was and he replied,
“I’m too smart for the first grade, my sister is in the third grade and I’m smarter than her too.”

The teacher took him to the principal’s office a...

A smart drunk

“I was in the mood for a drink so I biked to the local liquor store to buy a bottle of whiskey. At first I was planning to bike home with the bottle in my bike basket but I’m not an idiot and knew it would break if I crashed so I drank it in the parking lot. Thank god I did because I crashed 12 time...

Are you smart enough to do this.

Say the opposite of these words.

Always.

Coming.

From.

Take.

Me.

Down.

A man gets a flat tire outside the fence of an insane asylum.

While he's changing the tire he sees a patient on the other side of the fence observing him so he hurries. He gets the flat off and puts the spare on, but since he was rushing to get out of there, he accidentally drops all 4 lug nuts down a drain. While he's standing there staring at the spare wit...

A smart man and a not so smart man are locked in a room

A smart man and a not so smart man are locked in a room. One day they decided they didn’t like being locked up anymore, and wanted to escape. The not so smart one has to rely on the smart one to get out. So they made their way up to the roof through a series of vents. Once up on the roof of the buil...

I'll believe it is a 'Smart phone', the day I can yell, "Where is my stupid phone?"...

...and it answers, "Here in the couch cushions.

I bought one of those "Smart" light switches, but it was too clever for me.

So I replaced it with a dimmer switch.

Why are smart people so hot?

They have more degrees.

Many people don't think I'm very smart...

but I'll have you know that I almost got a perfect score on the IQ test. I almost made 100!

A girl tells her mother after school ‘Mum, I got a gold star today for reciting the whole alphabet! The rest of my class only knows 3 or 4 letters!

‘Well done darling’ the girl’s mother replies. ‘That’s because you’re blonde.’
After returning from school the next day the girl tells her mother ‘I am the smartest student in my maths class! I can count up to 15! Everyone else stopped at about 5’
‘Well done’ replies the mother again. ‘That’s ...

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A clearly inebriated woman, stark naked, jumped into a taxi in New York and laid down on the back seat.

The cab driver, an old Jewish gentleman, opened his eyes wide and stared at the woman.

He made no attempt to start the cab.

The woman glared back at him and said, “What’s wrong with you, honey? Haven’t you ever seen a naked woman before?”

The old Jewish driver answered, “Let me ...

So the Pope goes down into a deep vault below the Vatican, where they keep the most ancient sacred texts.

Scholarly Priests spend decades examining these handwritten scrolls for translation errors. The Pope finds one of them hard at work and asks if he has found anything.


"Why yes, your Excellency. Look here, where we have always thought it said 'smite', but there's an 'R' there, it clea...

What are smart people in America called?

Tourist

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When I was 13, I hoped that one day I would have a girlfriend with big tits.

When I was 16, I got a girlfriend with big tits, but there was no passion, so I decided I needed a passionate girl with zest for life. In college I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional. Everything was an emergency; she was a drama queen, cried all the time and threatened suicide. So I ...

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A lady finally found her soulmate and calls her dad to tell him about it

(Translated from romanian, hopefully you will get it lol)

The dad is smiling and eager to find out more about this man he asks even more questions about her new lover.

She tells him that he is smart, beautiful, finished his studies at a highly prestigious university and now he is worki...

What do we call smart people in the US?

Tourists.

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What do you call it when a smart person masturbates?

A stroke of genius.

A billionaire buys an elephant

Two billionaire friends meet. After a casual conversation, one of them finally asks: So, how's your home life?

The other answers: Couldn't be better! I bought an elephant!

The other guy looks at him astonished: An elephant? Have you gone mad?

The guy replies, smiling: Oh, man, ...

Apple is set to release their new electric smart car in 2024...

It will be the first apple product with windows.

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An Australian Army Recruit sends home a letter..

Dear Mum & Dad,

I am well. Hope youse are too. Tell me big brothers Doug and Phil that the Army is better than workin’ on the farm - tell them to get in quick smart before the jobs are all gone! I wuz a bit slow in settling down at first, because ya don’t hafta get outta bed until 6am. Bu...

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A cabbie is waiting outside a Vegas casino when a smartly-dressed man runs out in a state of extreme distress.

He comes up to the cab and says "You've got to get me to the airport straight away! I'm needed in New York as soon as possible, there's millions at stake!" and the cabbie says "Sure, no problem, fella, just fifty bucks for the fare and we're good to go".

The smartly-dressed man says "This is ...

Why are ravens so smart?

Because they spend all their time hanging out at the caw ledge.

What is the difference between a smart blonde and a UFO?

There have been sightings of UFOs

Q: What do smart blondes and UFOs have in common?

A: You always hear about them but never see them.

"Smart" Televisions.

What do regular TVs and "smart" TVs have in common?

You watch TV on them.

What's the difference between a "smart" TV and a regular TV?

A "smart" TV watches you too.

I asked my mom why computers are so smart

Mom: because they listen to their motherboards!

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[Nsfw] A man trying act smart in front of an insurance agent asks him “Do you provide penis insurance ?”

Agent : “Yes , sir , we do provide penis insurance”

Man got surprised and asked “You replace with a new one when it stops working?”

Agent : “No , sir . Once it stops to work , we ensure free service to your wife for the rest of your Life”

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This holiday season I'm just looking for a nice girl. A girl-next-door type who is just sweet, caring, smart, and funny...

Someone I can laugh with, you know? Someone who is there for me. Just a kind, and loving individual with absolutely massive tits. Is that so much to ask for?

The guy who invented auto-correct for smart phones passed away today.

Restaurant in peace.

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My smart-ass friend just told me how to spell lotion backwards

He’s such a noitol.

Two dog owners are arguing about whose pet is smarter.

FO: My dog is so smart that every morning he goes to the store and buys me a sesame seed bagel with chive cream cheese, stops off at Starbucks and picks me up a mocha latte, and then comes home and turns on ESPN, all before I get out of bed.

SO: I know.

FO: How do you know?

SO: ...

Two Minnesota hunters travelled south to Iowa, one winter, to hunt deer.

After tracking a big stag for miles they finally get it in their sites and take it down.

As they struggled dragging the dead animal across the snowy, open fields, back to their pickup, they were stopped by a DNR officer and he asked to see their hunting licenses and stamps.

Assured...

My boss calls me the computer

Not because I'm smart, but because I go to sleep if left unattended for a few minutes

What do you call a fish that is not smart, a dumb bass

Now laugh

What do you call smart blonde?

A golden retriever.

A general, an officer, an old lady, and an attractive young woman all board a train together.

As they ride along they go in a dark tunnel and can't see anything. Suddenly, they hear a quick smooch followed by a loud smack!

The old lady thinks, "that young girl has some fine morals, smacking a man for trying to steal a kiss."

The young woman thinks, "how odd, the general tried t...

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A cowboy is walking in the woods one day when he comes to a clearing.....

There on a blanket is a naked Indian with a hard on.

“What are you doing?” the cowboy asks.

The Indian answers, “Me tell time.”

“OK. If you are so good, what time is it?”

The Indian looks down at his prick and the shadow it’s casting and says, “It’s

2 o’clock.”
...

My Brain Amazes Me!!!

Not a joke!!! Just a bad incident that might make a few people chuckle who been through similar goof-ups!!!



Here it goes,



I have been living with my brain for 28 years now and I still don't know how it works!!!



I tried to train it but all in vain; its fun...

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A blonde woman wants to prove she is smart.

So she dyes her hair brunette and goes out for a challenge.
She finds a shepherd with a big herd,
and asks him if she can guess the number of sheep in the first try and if she guesses right she could keep one of the sheep.
The shepherd agrees. After a good look at the herd she thinks and te...

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first-grade teacher, Ms. Brooks, was having trouble with one of her more precocious students. The teacher asked, “Harry, what exactly is your problem?”

Harry answered, “I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd grade and I'm smarter than she! I think I should be in the 3rd grade, too!”
Ms. Brooks finally had enough; she took Harry to the principal's office. While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the situa...

Why are smart lights turned off when they update ?

To not attract bugs

I downloaded Chrome on my Samsung Smart Fridge.

It became an oven.

I love my girlfriend. She's always there for me, she's super smart, and she really understands me. But I've caught her talking to other guys. Lots of other guys. I want to tell her she has to choose me or them, but I'm afraid I'll lose her if I do.

Her name is Alexa.

When traveling through nature, it's always smart to bring a seasoned hiker with you.

It's a well known fact that bears find unseasoned hikers bland and tasteless.

I'm not saying I'm smart but

has anyone seen me and a smart person in the same room?

An Irish man goes fishing

The rain was pouring down outside O'Connor's Irish Pub. There standing in front of a big puddle outside the pub was an old Irishman, drenched, holding a stick, with a piece of string dangling in the water.

A passer-by stopped and asked him, "What are you doing?"
“Fishing” replied the ol...

A man is playing chess with a horse in the park.

A man is playing chess with a horse in the park.

A passer-by stops and watches them amazed. After a while ha says to the man: "Wow, your horse is playing chess? It must be really smart."

The man replies: "You call it smart? He hasn't won for like twelve games straight."

Why are Golden Retrievers so smart?

Because they always *get* things :D

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A very rude lawyer sits down down next to a man on the bus,

"What do you do for a living?"
He asks."I'm a plumber." The man replies.
The lawyer laughs at the man and starts ridiculing him, and calling him stupid.
The plumber cocks an eyebrow and says,"I guarantee I could out smart you."
The lawyer says,"Fine then, lets play a game. I'll ...

A farmer bragged to his friend about his smart chickens

"How do you know they're smart?"

"They love classical music! That's smarty-pants music right there."

"And how do you know that's what they like?"

"Every morning, I say to the chickens 'What music for today?' and they ask for their favorite composer: 'Bach, Bach, Bach!'"

Why is it if banks have become so smart that they can allow you to deposit a check from a picture,

but they won't let you do the same thing with a picture of cash?

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How does Sapiosexuals compliment ass?

Smart ass

A smart farmer

A young guy called Tommy bought a horse from a farmer for $250 and the farmer agreed to deliver the horse to Tommy the following day.

The next day though, the farmer turned up at Tommy’s house and said, “Sorry son, but I have some bad news, the horse died.”

Tommy replied, “Well, then j...

Donald Trump is being followed by smart ideas

But he's faster

Sharing for my 70 yr old mother. Why are computers so smart?

Because they listen to their motherboards.

99.9% of people are dumb

Fortunately, I belong to 1% of smart people

Maria is smart. Be like Maria!

Maria went home happy, telling her mother about how she earned $20 by climbing a tree. Her mom responded, "Maria, they just wanted to see your panties!" Maria replied, "See Mom, I was smart, I took them off!"

A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead walk into a restaurant.

They are having a fun time and give their waitress a huge tip. Super excited about the tip, the waitress decides to tell them a secret: In the women's bathroom, there is a magical mirror. If you tell it something truthful, you will be greatly rewarded. However, if you lie to the mirror, you will dis...

The smart and the dumb

S:If I ask you a question,and you dont know the answer,you will have to give me 1 dollar,but if I dont know the answer to your question, i will have to give you 10 dollars,Okay?

D:Okay.

S:What is the thing called that is made of wood and we eat on it?

D:I dunno, here is your 1 d...

A blonde woman

A blonde woman decides that she is sick and tired of all the blonde jokes and how all blondes are perceived as stupid, so she decides to show her husband that blondes really are smart. While her husband is off at work, she decides that she is going to paint a couple of rooms in the house. The next d...

My girlfriend is so smart!

I forgot to bring my phone, so I used my friend's phone to call her.

She answered: "What's up, honey?"

What a smart girl! She knew I was the one on the phone!

A policeman walks by a street vendor

Policeman:”What are you selling?”

Vendor:” Apple seeds... $5 a pop!”

Policeman:”What???Why would anyone want to eat apple seed?”

Vendor:” They make you smarter!”

Policeman:” OK, give me one (swallows it)... wait a minute? For $5 I could have bought a pound of apples and g...

Smart blonde, honest politican and grandma are walking into a bar

Who orders beer?



Grandma because other characters are fictional!

It's hard to argue with a smart person

But it's impossible to argue with a dumb person.

What's the difference between Smart Criminals and Dumb Criminals?

Dumb Criminals break laws



Smart Criminals make laws

Anti vaccine dads are smart

Cause they only do eight years of child-support instead of 18

I saw a man cutting a pizza with a smart phone

I know it's cutting edge technology but jeez

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What do you call a smart butt?

A studious gluteus

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A man and a chicken walk into a small restaurant

A man and a chicken walk into a small restaurant, they sit down, and the waitress takes their order, the man says "I'll have a number 5 with a large coffee", and the chicken says "I will have that as well". When they finished their meal, the man walks up to the counter to pay, and he reaches into hi...

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If being Smart and Sexy was a crime

I’d be on America’s Most wanted, not because I’m smart or sexy, but because I’ve committed various war crimes in Vietnam.


(This was probably done before.)

After a bitter divorce, while cleaning out the attic to prepare for selling their dream home, a genie pops out of a dust covered item.

“I will grant you three wishes of anything your heart desires” says the genie, “but know that your ex will receive twice whatever you wish for”

Ok, I’m losing my dream home, I wish for the most glorious mansion complete with staff to serve my every whim.

DONE! You are the owner of one ...

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Smart pills

Little Billy is standing in the barn with his grandpa

There are rabbits in the barn and their droppings are all over the floor.

The boy says, "What are all these pellets on the ground, grandpa?"

Grandpa says, "They're smart pills, Billy. Eat them and you'll get smarter."
<...

I know i was a smart kid

When i was like 8 or 9 i threw my father's phone from the terrace, by turning the airplane mode on cause i thought it would take off. And after 10 years, here i am studying engineering realizing that airplanes don't take off mid-air. I should've tried it on the ground.

Smart criminals

Dumb criminals commit violent crimes that don’t pay too well.

Smart criminals commit white collar crimes.

Really smart criminals become politicians.

Why do smart people like to use big words?

It makes them sound more photosynthesis.

Why are men smart but women are talkative?

Because men have 2 heads while women have 4 lips

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Why do blonds have bruises around their belly buttons?

Blond guys are not that smart either.

While watching TV with his wife, a man tosses peanuts into the air and catches them in his mouth. While watching TV with his wife, a man tosses peanuts into the air and catches them in his mouth.

Just as he throws another peanut into the air, the front door opens, causing him to turn his head. The peanut falls into his ear and gets stuck. His daughter comes in with her date. The man explains the situation, and the daughter’s date says, “I can get the peanut out.” He tells the father to sit d...

A blonde woman calls her brunette friend

She excitedly exclaims: "Oh my god I'm so smart I just finished a jigsaw puzzle way faster than average!"

"How do you know that?" asked her friend

"It took me 3 months but on the box it says for 12 months and up'."

Me: Tell me something that I don't know.

Sister: A few years ago, an adoption agency said that you will be a smart kid.

Me: well, I am smart.

(After a few minutes) me: wait... what?

I went to the butcher's shop...

I went to the butcher's shop around the block from my house to get some ribeyes for the long weekend. I'm excited because I don't eat steak very often and these are dry aged to perfection, cut an inch and half thick and pretty much the best steaks you can get! I'm all set to leave, when I notice a ...

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John, the second least popular kid in our class tried to act over smart...

So, John decides to come up to me one day - out of the blue - and tries to up his status among the class by picking on the one kid that had no friends - again, me.

“So, I saw your father yesterday.”

This was curious. I knew my father was at work, so it was highly unlikely that John wou...

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Our smart devices are spying on us, and I have proof!

I used my smart camera to take a dick pic, and within an hour the algorithm started sending me targeted ads for army helmets and bean bag chairs.

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A High School English Teacher reminds her class of the next day's final exam. She tells the class that there would be no excuse for not showing up, except for a serious injury or illness, or a death in the student's immediate family.

One smart-ass jock in the back of the room asks, "What about extreme sexual exhaustion?" The entire class does its best to stifle their laughter and snickering. When silence is restored the teacher smiles sympathetically at the student, shakes her head, and sweetly says, "Aw, that's so sad. Guess yo...

"Remember son, a smart person always has doubts about something. Only a total idiot is 100% sure about everything."

"Dad, are you sure?"

"Absolutely."

People with glasses are elegidly smart

But they can't even pass an eye exam.

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Interviewer: are you smart? Bob: I'm not smart, but I am clever. Interviewer: How so? Bob: in class, I sat next to the dumbest and second dumbest person in class, I'm the third dumbest, but by peeking at their tests, I got the highest score in the class.



Interviewer: how's that possible? Bob: by process of elimination. None of our answers could be correct.

Everyone knows I am extremely smart

After all I have a theoretical degree in physics

Crows aren’t so smart after all

The South Carolina Dept of Transportation found over 200 dead crows on highways recently, and there was a concern that they may have died from Avian Flu. A Pathologist examined the remains of all the crows, and, to everyone's relief, confirmed the problem was NOT Avian Flu. The cause of death appear...

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When you’re dressed all in black and some smart ass asks you who died, simply look around the room and say

“I haven’t decided yet."

Bill is smart, He built only 20 parking spaces.

One company owner asked the other- Tell me Bill, How come your employees are always on time in the morning?

Bill- Easy 30 employees and 20 parking spaces.

JFK must have really liked smart women

Everybody used to look at Jackie O and say, “Check out the brains on her.”

What do you call a person who has outstanding street smarts?

A roads scholar

Apparently, Google is not that smart as people think

Recently I asked Google Translator, how "Je ne sais pas" is translated, and it replied: "I do not know".

An old joke from Germany, when Trump jad just became President...

Trump is on Europe tour. He stops by in Germany and visits Mrs. Merkel in the german pariament; the 'Bundestag'.

He sees that everything there is working out just fine, so he asks her: "How do you do that?"
"What?", she asks.
"That everything works out so well?"

"Oh, that's easy....

I'm smarter than Einstein, Hawking, Da Vinci and Aristotle combined...

cuz ther al ded

I found a book on how to be 50% as smart as Albert Einstein.

So I bought two of them

Father: Son, what comes after 5?

Son: 6, 7, 8

Father: Good! You are smart! Now tell me, what comes after 7?

Son: 8, 9, 10

Father: Great! What comes after 10 then?

Son: J, Q, K

A boy is coming home from a party ...

On the way home , he has to go past a graveyard .But since he didn't want to miss the game on the TV , he goes through the graveyard which has a shortcut to his house .

The graveyard was covered with thick fog which was so much that he couldn't see the ground in front of him . Eventually, it...

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Protesting Crows

A crow march was organized online - smart little buggers. Only two showed up. Thousands bought tickets on TikToc... The two crows were arrested. When asked why they didn't wear masks they said they were not afraid of Corvid-19. They were charged with attempted murder.

Smart first grader

A first-grade teacher can’t believe her student isn’t hepped-up about the Super Bowl. “It’s a huge event. Why aren’t you excited?”

“Because I’m not a football fan. My parents love basketball, so I do too,” says the student.

“Well, that’s a lousy reason,” says the teacher. “What if your...

I was so smart I was called special in grade 2...

any way its been 4 years and I'm 15 now

Smart shoes

A fiend of mine bought some new shoes a while back, they were called smart shoes, no matter how drunk you were they could always walk you home!

One day my friend got blind drunk and woke up miles from home near the beach, apparently the shoes got bored going from his local bar to the flat, th...

Ouch, that smarts

Confucius say, man who go through airport turnstile sideways going to Bangkok.

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