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Interviewer: are you smart? Bob: I'm not smart, but I am clever. Interviewer: How so? Bob: in class, I sat next to the dumbest and second dumbest person in class, I'm the third dumbest, but by peeking at their tests, I got the highest score in the class.



Interviewer: how's that possible? Bob: by process of elimination. None of our answers could be correct.

Why are men smart but women are talkative?

Because men have 2 heads while women have 4 lips

Bill is smart, He built only 20 parking spaces.

One company owner asked the other- Tell me Bill, How come your employees are always on time in the morning?

Bill- Easy 30 employees and 20 parking spaces.

I found a book on how to be 50% as smart as Albert Einstein.

So I bought two of them

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A friend of mine is dating blondes only. I don't find that very smart.

TBH, it's fucking stupid.

I may not be smart, or attractive, or likeable, or rich.

But at least I don't have self-confidence issues.

Smart shoes

A fiend of mine bought some new shoes a while back, they were called smart shoes, no matter how drunk you were they could always walk you home!

One day my friend got blind drunk and woke up miles from home near the beach, apparently the shoes got bored going from his local bar to the flat, th...

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Tarzan smart

One day Jane met Tarzan in the jungle. She was very attracted to him and during her questions about his life she asked him how he managed for sex. "What's that?" he asked. She explained to him what sex was and he said, "Oh, I use a hole in the trunk of a tree." Horrified, she said, "Tarzan, you have...

Why do smart people like to use big words?

It makes them sound more photosynthesis.

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Smart ass answers

A college teacher reminds her class of the next day’s final exam.


“Now class, I won’t tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury, illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that’s it, no other excuses wh...

My friend thought he was being smart, and said “Onions are the only food that makes you cry”.

So I shoved a carrot up his ass

What do you call a smart blonde?

A golden retriever.

Elephants are damn smart animals!

In 1986, Peter Davies was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from Northwestern University. On a hike through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air. The elephant seemed distressed, so Peter approached it very carefully. He got down on one knee, inspe...

If teachers are so smart...

Why are they still in school?

A smart farmer

A young guy called Tommy bought a horse from a farmer for $250 and the farmer agreed to deliver the horse to Tommy the following day.

The next day though, the farmer turned up at Tommy’s house and said, “Sorry son, but I have some bad news, the horse died.”

Tommy replied, “Well, then j...

Im against smart clocks

I guess you could say im anti-clockwise

I bought a smart car recently and I unfortunately got in an accident

Now my car has a learning disability

I can't wait for smart devices and AI to rise up against us

It will be a Siri-an rebellion

I am so forgetful that I always forget to pack my calculator before my math tests. But I am so smart that I have only failed them a few times...

So few that I can count on my fingers

If the waters so “Smart”

Then why’s it in the bottle?

Apple just finished designing a smart car.

They are having trouble installing Windows

Haha Granny is too smart to handle.

An old grandma brings a bus driver a bag of peanuts every day.

First the bus driver enjoyed the peanuts but after a week of eating them he asked: "Please granny, don't bring me peanuts anymore. Have them yourself.

The granny answers: "You know, I don't have teeth anymore. I just prefer...

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My smart watch tracks my wrist movement while I'm watching porn...

The feature is called a step-sibling counter.

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Starts with an F and end with K

A first-grade teacher, Ms. Brooks, was having trouble with one of her students. The teacher asked, "Harry, what's your problem?"

Harry answered, "I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the 3rd grade too!"

Ms. B...

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There was once a really smart bee.

Ever since he was little, he had always wanted more than the simple, boring lives led by his fellow bees. After a few years, he left his job, his hive, and his family behind, in search of a better life.
He flew for hours until he came to a small Virginia town, on the edge of a forest. He landed, ...

JFK must have really liked smart women

Everybody used to look at Jackie O and say, “Check out the brains on her.”

One Sunday a cowboy went to church. When he entered, he saw that he and the preacher were the only ones present.

The preacher asked the cowboy if he wanted him to go ahead and preach.

The cowboy said, “I’m not too smart, but if I went to feed my cattle and only one showed up, I’d feed him.”

So the minister began his sermon. One hour passed, then two hours, then two-and-a-half hours. The preacher ...

What do you call a person who has outstanding street smarts?

A roads scholar

A blonde woman decides that she is tired of all the blonde jokes and how all blondes are seen as stupid, so she decides to show her husband that blondes really are smart.

While her husband is off at work, she decides that she is going to paint a couple of rooms in the house. The next day, right after her husband leaves for work, she gets down to the task at hand.

Her husband arrives home at 5:30 and smells the distinctive and strong smell of paint. He walks in...

Two smart jokes

What does a scientist call it when they're A/B testing and they find a third variable?
An emergent C

What element do British people like early in the morning?
Strong-tea-um

I use to support higher spending on education. But then I learned a harsh truth. No matter how smart we we make children,

50% of them will still be below average.

People have been assuming I'm smart when they see my glasses case

but it's not until they see I store a mars bar in it they realise my true genius .

Crows aren’t so smart after all

The South Carolina Dept of Transportation found over 200 dead crows on highways recently, and there was a concern that they may have died from Avian Flu. A Pathologist examined the remains of all the crows, and, to everyone's relief, confirmed the problem was NOT Avian Flu. The cause of death appear...

The smart kid

Maria went home happy, telling her mother about how she earned $20 by climbing a tree. Her mom responded, "Maria, they just wanted to see your panties!" Maria replied, "See Mom, I was smart, I took them off!"

Calling your bug spray company "Off" is really smart because when your thrifty wife tells you to buy the "off brand" you'll still be buying the expensive name brand item.

had this thought last night and I need help turning this into a joke

My girlfriend is so smart

Once I forgot to bring my phone when I went out for the day.

I borrowed my friend's phone to call her.

She answered "What's up baby?"

She is so smart she knew I was the one calling her.

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Smart-ass kid wants to challenge a famous gunfighter.

He walks into the saloon, and says "My name's Jimmy Johnson, and I'm here to challenge Black Bart to a showdown at noon tomorrow!"

The bartender says "Well, if you're going to try to outdraw Black Bart, you 'd better be prepared."

The kid says "I've got my gun, I've been practicing for...

I asked my dad for a smart phone...

But he got me an iPhone instead

Why do smart cavemen do their tests on stone tablets?

Because the tests are harder

What do you call smart cheese ?

sharp cheddar

You don't need to be good looking to be found attractive. You could be funny, smart, and kind.

So looks like I am striking out on a lot of fronts.

A guy walks into a bar with his dog

A guy walks into a bar with his dog. The bartender says “you can’t have a dog in here!” The guy says, “this is a really smart dog. If I prove that to you, can we stay?” And the bartender says sure.

So the guy turns to the dog and says “What goes on top of a house?”

And the dog barks “...

Smart Pills

A poor man who has no money decides to paint peas different colors and sell them at a market, labeling them as smart pills for $5 a piece.

A man walks over to his booth and buys a 'pill.'
Doesn't seem to comprehend

He decides to buy another one.
Still not hitting him

He bu...

A man and a woman are lying in bed late night...

...and the woman asks her man: "Honey, do you prefer smart or pretty women?" and the man responds calmly: "Neither, baby, I prefer you."

Tyrion Lannister was unusually smart

Usually, white dwarfs are very dense.

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When you’re dressed all in black and some smart ass asks you who died, simply look around the room and say

“I haven’t decided yet."

Why do doctors allow smart phones in the delivery room?

Push notifications.

I finally become smart enough...

...to know I'm dumb.

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John, the second least popular kid in our class tried to act over smart...

So, John decides to come up to me one day - out of the blue - and tries to up his status among the class by picking on the one kid that had no friends - again, me.

“So, I saw your father yesterday.”

This was curious. I knew my father was at work, so it was highly unlikely that John wou...

Crows are super smart

There was a study conducted on crows using cars to crack open nuts. They'd place the nut on the road during a red light, let the cars run over the nuts, and then retrieve them during the next red light.

The study also found a second interesting discovery, there were a large number of crows ...

Kevin with his mistress on the bed

"You should leave now. My husband is coming back soon", said the woman.

"Don't worry, I've got my trained smart horse outside. If I just blow a whistle and jump out the window, it would catch me easily", smiled Kevin.

Then someone knocked at the door.

In a panic, Kevin blowed a ...

I once knew a lumberjack with a Ph.D

He was a smart feller.

Donald Trump had a secret phone meeting with Vladimir Putin.

At the end of the call, Trump said to Putin, “Vlad, tell me something. How do you know if the people you work with are smart and trustworthy?”

Putin said, “It’s easy Don. I bring them into my office in the Kremlin, I sit them down, and I ask them one question. If they get it right, they stay....

The ending is massive.

A shoe factory specializing in intelligent shoes contacted me, and asked me whether I wanted to try their new smart shoes.

It was free of charge, so I accepted the offer.

First, I asked the shoes to take me to the best burger place in town. And indeed, the shoes walked me right into th...

Why is ice so smart?

Because it has 32 degrees.

A mother is concerned that her son isn't making enough money on his own, so she asks what he will do for a living

And he says he won't have a real job, but he has found a legal loophole to take advantage of the sketchy business practices in his city; he discovered many of the repossession companies in his city didn't fill out the proper paperwork before taking a car away.

So he would buy a new car on lo...

A dumb blonde, a smart blonde, and an antivaxx adult find a $100 bill on the ground, who picks it up?

The dumb blonde, because the other two don't exist.

My friend thinks he is smart.

My friend thinks he is smart. He told me an onion is the only food that makes you cry, so I threw a coconut at his face.

Why are computers so smart?

Because they listen to their motherboards

Albert Einstein gets tricked

A man and Albert Einstein are sitting next to each other on a plane. Einstein keeps turning to the man and talking about how smart he is. Saying stuff like “oh people say in the smartest man alive”, or “I’m just so incredibly smart.” The man just ignores all of this and just reads his book. Finally ...

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Did you hear about the dildo that only fucks smart people?

It’s an ingenious idea.

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According to my new fitness smart watch

I’ve masturbated for 4 miles already today.

What makes the sun so smart?

A million degrees

My Starbucks barista thinks he's so smart

just because he has a PhD in humanities.

I am handsome and pretty smart, but the best part about me is

my modesty.

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The creation of a pussy

Seven wise men with knowledge so fine,

Created a pussy to their design.

First was a butcher, with smart wit,

Using a knife,he gave it a slit,

Second was a carpenter, strong and bold,

With a hammer and chisel, he gave it a hole,

Third was a tailor, tall and t...

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Is this an acceptable excuse?

A college professor had just finished explaining how important it was that a research project be turned in on time. He said there were only two acceptable excuses for late projects:
     1) A certifiable medical excuse.
     2) A death in the student's immediate family.


The...

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Lee Smart was always a trouble maker throughout his life.

In school, Lee Smart was always getting in trouble. His friend, Isaac, always stuck by his side, though. They were always best friends.

Though Isaac was getting sick of Lee’s crap. Lee kept drinking and driving, he kept smoking Marijuana and snorting Cocaine. Isaac was so close to just leavi...

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Smart man

A man had three beautiful girlfriends but didn't know which one to marry. As a t decided to give each woman $5,000 to see how they would spend it. e first girlfriend went out and got herself est, he a complete makeover. She told him, "I spent he money so I could look pretty for you be cause I love y...

So I heard Microsoft is making smart fences now...

The main problem is they Bill Gates.

Communism is like a smart but unskilled piano player.

Good in theory but bad in practice.

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A Jew, a Muslim, a Hindu, and an Atheist are asked to help decorate a Christmas Tree.

The Jew says, "My faith believes that Christ was just a really smart guy, but we don't celebrate Christmas. I'll put 7 candles on the tree to represent the Menorah" and he agrees to help.

The Muslim says, "My faith believes Christ was a holy guy, just not THE holy guy, so we don't celeb...

"Remember son, a smart person always has doubts about something. Only a total idiot is 100% sure about everything."

"Dad, are you sure?"

"Absolutely."

A man is driving at a rainy night when one of his tire gets punctured

He stops under the only street light right infront of an asylum, trying to change his tire. With the corner of his eye, he notices a man is watching him from his cell. He doesn't pay attention and keeps changing his tire.

Since his hands were wet from heavy rain, he drops 3 bolts out of 4 int...

My buddy and I have a picture of the Islamic God on the smart card inside our mobile phones.

We're very SIM Allah.

I finally got a smart dishwasher....

My wife finished college.

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Your ass says a lot about your personality

For instance, dumb-ass, smart-ass, crazy-ass, etc.

I married a beautiful woman — a smart one, too.

Hopefully they’ll never meet.

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I have the ideal female body, "thicc" ass, huge tits and i am smart too.

Sadly i am a man.

An elephant walks into a bar...

And is surprised to find a bartender not serving any drinks to anyone at the bar. Being a smart guy, the elephant went out and came back with a few of his fellow mates, and got a beer from the bartender. The other customers were surprised and asked how he did it.
The elephant replied: You need to...

Bored at work so I wrote my first joke. It’s extremely dumb but maybe it’ll make someone laugh.

An extremely wealthy family owned countless successful companies, bought out competitors and even purchased new ventures if they looked promising enough. Nothing was too big or small, and nothing was off limits.

The family consisted of a mother (Linda), father (Robert) and 3 sons (Robert Jr.,...

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Why don’t you ever see donkeys in school?

Because nobody likes a smart ass.

Does making a chemistry joke make you sound smart?

Nitrogen Oxygen.

Trumps Healthcare

President Trump, while on his recent unnannounced visit to a hospital decided to learn more about healthcare, because he had a need to prove to everyone just how smart, how really really smart he was about healthcare to everyone. Smarter than even the doctors and healthcare professionals themselves....

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Apple breast implants

Apple is working on smart breast implants, which can adapt their shape and texture to suit your lifestyle. The iTit can be used charge your mobile devices while browsing, as cupholders, and even as a self defence device. Future app updates will include anti jiggle functions, as well as an automated ...

Smart neighbour

Chris is sitting on his front porch sees his neighbour walking down the street with 22 rolls of duct tape, so he asks him, "What you doing with all that duct tape?" And his neighbour replies, "I'm going to catch me some ducks". Confused, Chris tells him, "that's not how duct tape works, but okay" an...

Why is a computer so smart?

Because it listens to it's motherboard.

An Architect, a Doctor and a Lawyer are boasting about how smart their dogs are.

They finally agree that each will demonstrate their dog's prowess.

The architect calls his dog, puts some clay on the table and says, "Build
me a model of the Eiffel Towel." The dog does so and the architect throws
him a biscuit.

The doctor calls his dog and as he does he sees t...

A redhead, brunette and blonde woman are walking aimlessly through an endless desert

The redhead said to the others, "I'm glad we all were smart and brought one item that will help us stay safe if we get lost in the desert. I brought a big canteen of water as mine. If I get thirsty, I'll have that to drink."

The brunette then chimes in and says, "great idea! For my one item, ...

Smart first grader

A first-grade teacher can’t believe her student isn’t hepped-up about the Super Bowl. “It’s a huge event. Why aren’t you excited?”

“Because I’m not a football fan. My parents love basketball, so I do too,” says the student.

“Well, that’s a lousy reason,” says the teacher. “What if your...

I am not smart enough to understand everything proven by science

Most of it I just take on faith

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Wisdom in age

1. When I was 13, I hoped that one day I would have a girlfriend with big tits.

2. When I was 16, I got a girlfriend with big tits, but there was no passion, I decided I needed a passionate girl with zest for life.

3. In college I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional...

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An Australian Army Recruit sends home a letter . . .

Dear Mum & Dad,

I am well. Hope you're are too. Tell me big brothers Doug and Phil that the Army is better than workin’ on the farm - tell them to get in quick smart before the jobs are all gone! I wuz a bit slow in settling down at first, because ya don’t hafta get outta bed until 6am. B...

I went to the doctor and he said you have the blood pressure of a 14 year old kid

I said great. He said, not so great, a 14 year old *American* child. You got four months to live.

Kids are so fat these days the first letters they learn in the alphabet are not ABC, it's KFC.

Kids are so fat these days they use cheat codes to play Pokemon Go.

Kids are so fat th...

My teacher once told me

My teacher once told me I was a really smart student, but could also be an idiot at the same time.

I replied “does that make me an oxymoron?”

Two men are sitting on the train.

One of them eats apple cores.
Another asks, "Why do you eat apple cores anyway?"
"It makes you smart."
"Can I get some, too?", The other asks again.

"Yes, of course for $5."

The man then pays 5 dollars and gets the cores and eats them completely. Later, he mumbles, "Actua...

A blond is driving down country roads feeling smart because she dyed her hair brown

She turns a corner and finds the road completely blacked by sheep. The farmer comes it the the window and apologizes for blockage, he says they’ll be past in a few minutes. The “brunette” looks at the sheep and back at the farmer and says “if I can guess how meant sheep are there can I have one?” Th...

My brother was always the smart one that everyone loved. I was the dumb kid. While I sold drugs down by the beach, he became a doctor in applied maths.

But even so, he's still my brother. I'll never stop lending him money when he needs it.

Wanna know what you call a smart crackhead?

A geologist.

Google isn’t as smart as I thought it was.

I asked google what IDK meant and it said ‘I don’t know’

You might think that I’m smart because I have an A in math

But I’m pretty dumb because I have a D in your mom

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Little Johnny asked his teacher if he could talk to her after class

Johnny:" Miss I believe im too smart for my age I want to move on directly to high-school, I'm bored in here."
Hearing that, teacher can't believe his audacity, but nevertheless aranges with the principal an exam in his office for the boy.
The principal is astounded to find that Johnny had an...

TIL dolphins are so smart that if you put them in a library, they would impress a great many people

However, this kills them

Students are smart

Chemistry Professor: Now, class, here I have a beaker of H2SO4, and here I have a gold ring. Suppose I drop the ring into the sulphuric acid. Will the gold dissolve?

Student: No

Professor: Good. And will you please tell us why not?

Student: If it would dissolve, you wouldn’t put...

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I’ll admit that Chinese kids in math class are pretty smart

But doing it with their eyes closed... that’s a bit cocky

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I'm done. Guys, I'm fucking sick of this. I'm almost 20 and haven't been able to score a better job than a fucking cook at a local fast food joint.

What makes it worse is that I live in a small town, so business is pretty limited and where I work is the only place that'll hire high school graduates.

I'd get the hell out of this town if I could actually drive too, but I've failed every damn test I've ever taken.

I'm socially awkwa...

A man went to visit a friend and was amazed to find him playing chess with his dog.

The man watched the game in astonishment for a while.


“I can hardly believe my eyes!” he said. “That’s the smartest dog I’ve ever seen.”


“He’s not so smart,” the friend replied. “I’ve beaten him three games out of five.”

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Smart baby

Smartest baby ever born was born this morning. 

He came out and looked at the doctor and said, "are you my doctor?" 
Doc says, "Yes, yes I am!" 
Baby says, "Thanks for taking such good care of me and my momma during the pregnancy and through the birthing process." 

Then, baby loo...

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I am smart

I am smart but brokenhearted,
I tried to fart but instead I sharted.

- - Emily Dickinson, 1626

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Warning: to some, this joke is sexist / religiously offensive (but I don't agree)

Three men die and go to heaven.

When they arrive at the Pearly Gates, St. Peter says to them, "Congratulations; you made it into heaven! God has one rule, however, which is: **YOU CANNOT STEP ON, KILL, OR TOUCH A DUCK.** If you do, you will be punished.**"**

The men think this is rath...

My favourite joke: Now Hiring

A dog sees a "Now hiring" poster outside of a computer store. The poster reads:

"Must be able to type. Must be able to program. And must be bilingual. We are an equal opportunity employer."



The dog takes the poster in his mouth, and walks in. The manager spots the dog, and deci...

The French Test Drive

An American couple took their honeymoon in France, and they loved it so much they decided they just had to live there. But the costly move left them in financial hardship. Eventually, they did both find jobs, but on opposite ends of the city, so they decided to buy a car.

"This one," said the...

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