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Sharp Jokes

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A Russian stumbles on something hard and sharp on his way home from work one night.

He bends over to pick up the object and proceeds to brush the snow off of it only to discover a genie rushing out of this lamp.
“Hello master, I can grant you one wish.”
After half a second of thought the Russian says “I want to piss Vodka for the rest of my days.”
“Granted” says the genie...

Pencils can be really sharp, but they are still allowed on planes.

That’s because… they needed to draw the line somewhere.
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Struggling with sharp angles when writing the letter V?

Sounds like a U problem
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What do you call a communist sharp shooter?

A Marxman.
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You are on a horse galloping at a constant speed. On your right side, is a sharp drop off and on your left side is an elephant traveling at the same speed as you. Directly in front of you is another galloping horse, but your horse is unable to overtake it...

Behind you is a lion running at the same speed as you and the horse in front of you.

What must you do to safely get out of this highly dangerous situation?

Get your drunk ass off the merry-go-round.

Two sharp criminals just vandalized your home!

Luckily, the damage looks to B Minor
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A woman pregnant with triplets had a hunting accident with a pumpgun

She was rushed to surgery, but 3 of the bugshot shards could not get removed without endangering the kids, so they remained in her.

Later she delivers 2 boys and a girl, all healthy and well. Time goes by and nobody even thinks about the accident anymore, when they all become teenagers.
...

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How do you avoid a sharp pain in your eye while drinking chocolate milk?

Take the spoon out of the glass.

Sharp Retort

A young, beautiful woman gets into the elevator, smelling like expensive perfume. She turns to an old woman and says arrogantly, "Giorgio Beverly Hills, $100 an ounce!"
Another young, beautiful woman gets onto the elevator and also smells of very expensive perfume. She arrogantly turns to the ol...
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I played an F-sharp instead of an F...

Accidentally
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Doctor! Every morning at 7 sharp, I poop

Doctor: How is that a problem?

Man: I wake up at 8

My memory's not as sharp as it used to be.

Also, my memory's not as sharp as it used to be.
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A woman joins a country club, and when she hears some guys talking about their golf round, she says, "I played on my college's golf team. I was pretty good. Mind if I join you next week?" No one wants to say 'yes', but they're on the spot…

Finally, one man says, "Okay, but we start at 6:30 a.m."


He figures the early tee-time will discourage her. The woman says this may be a problem and asks if she can be up to 15 minutes late.


They roll their eyes, but say, "Okay."


She's there at 6:30 am. sharp ...

Why do pencils shave?

To look sharp.

 
 

Credit: 3rd grade me.
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Having sex often keeps your memory sharp.

With that, I wish you all a productive 2015!

A man wakes up at 2:22 sharp and gets dressed.

He goes down to the coffee shop and his order comes to $2.22. He finds $2 on his windshield and arrives to work in exactly 2 minutes. “All these 2s” he thinks “ maybe it could mean something”

So he goes down to the hound racing at bets all his savings, his house and his car on #2 and watches ...
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A joke nobody has heard before because I made it up!

There was a man who made himself an outfit completely out of knives. Everywhere he went, any man who saw his outfit said he looked good but any woman who saw him went completely insane! Why?

It's because every girl goes crazy for a sharp-dressed man.
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The sharp eye-witness

While Mark was shopping for pet supplies, one of the salespeople came running up to him. “Mark! Mark! I just saw someone driving off with your BMW!”

“Dear God! Did your try to stop him?”

“No,” said the clerk, “but don’t worry. I got the license plate number!”
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An old man, a schoolboy, a lawyer, a doctor, and a community service worker are all on a plane with only four parachutes when...

The pilot of the plane has a stroke and passes away. As the plane plummets its passengers to death the five members of the aircraft argue over who deserve to have the four bags containing the parachutes.

Social Worker: I deserve to live because I protect vulnerable children and support famili...
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I bought almonds some time back to make my memory sharp.

I never remembered to eat them.
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What do you say when you feel a cold presence and hear a sharp knocking at the door?

“Honey, your parents are here!”
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Easiest way to win a debate is to have a sharp sword at the ready

Everybody will agree you have a good point
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An English man and an Irish man are driving head-on, at night, on a twisty, dark road. Both are driving too fast

for the conditions and collide on a sharp bend in the road. To the amazement of both, they are unscathed, though their cars are both destroyed. In celebration of their luck, both agree to put aside their dislike for the other from that moment on. At this point, the Englishman goes to the boot and fe...
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An E, F Sharp, G, A, B, C, D, and another E walk into a bar.

The bartender shakes his head and says, “sorry, we don’t serve minors here.”
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Is it possible to kill someone with a piece of Cheddar cheese?

Yes, but only if it's extra sharp.
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What do you call a famous piece of music with 3 sharps?

A major success.
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A blonde has sharp pains in her side...

She goes to the hospital. The doctor examines her and says, "You have acute appendicitis."

The blonde says, "That's sweet, doc, but I came here to get medical help."
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I used to get sharp pains in my eye when I drank coffee...

My doctor said, take the spoon out of the mug
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"This surgical knife isn't sharp,"

...Dr. Swiftie said bluntly.
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Sharp and short!

**Husband** : I love you!

**Wife** : Not today!
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How do you get sharp cheddar cheese from cows?

You gotta make sure they're glass fed.
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Walt Disney notices a sharp pain in his knee.

He starts rubbing it, icing it, elevating it on a pillow. But over the following days it only grows worse. He visits his doctor and reports this pain.

“Which knee is hurting you, Walt?”

The famous film producer points to his left knee.

“Disney.”
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I only like using sharp pencils...

Otherwise they're pointless.
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Never F#@k With Oldies...

“Charley, a new retiree-greeter at Wal-Mart, just couldn't seem to get to work on time. Every day he was 5, 10, 15 minutes late. But he was a good worker, really tidy, clean-shaven, sharp-minded and a real credit to the company and obviously demonstrating their "Older Person Friendly" policies.
...
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A young widow goes to the funeral parlour to plan her husband's funeral

She met with the mortician who asked her how she wants the body dressed.

"He always looked so good in blue. I want him to be buried in a blue suit."

This posed a problem as he had been delivered to the funeral parlour in the black suit he was wearing when he died. However, the wife was...
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I'm starting to get self-conscious about my body odour...

On my last two dates the woman has sprayed me with perfume before we had sex. I can't quite place the brand but it had a distinct sharp peppery smell.

My girlfriend poked a hole through the condom with a sharp needle, but I don't mind having a child

If only she'd let me take it off first.
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I'll take a girl with a sharp wit.

Wits never sag.
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What are these TV series about 2 musiciancs fighting against sharps and flats for decades?

Supernaturals
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My girlfriend says I have a sharp tongue ...

But I think she's just menstruating.
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A guy walks into a bar, and takes a seat, noticing that he's the only customer.

The only person around is a bartender, who is on his phone, and who waves to indicate he'll be with him as soon as he can.

The guy nods and waits patiently, but suddenly he hears a small voice say: "Nice shirt!" He looks around, but can't see anyone other than the bartender, who is still on ...
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C, E-flat, and G go into a bar...

The bartender says, "Sorry, but we don't serve minors." So E-flat leaves, and C and G have an open fifth between them. After a few drinks, the fifth is diminished, and G is out flat. F comes in and tries to augment the situation, but is not sharp enough. D comes in and heads for the bathroom, saying...
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A man goes to confession and says, "Forgive me father for I have sinned."

The priest asks if he would like to confess his sins and the man replies, "Yes, father. I used the "F-word" over the weekend."

The priest says, "Oh okay, just say three Hail Marys and try to watch your language."

The man replies that he would like to confess as to why he said the "F-wo...

Watching the latest episode of Forged in Fire. In the sharpness test, Doug Marcaida tested how much bread each blade would cut with just one slice...

The winner was so lucky he brought his 4-loaf cleaver.
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So a guy goes into the hospital for a hip replacement.

He's laying in the hospital bed, when another guy walks into the hospital room that looks like he could be his twin brother.

Except this guy is slimmer, wearing a stylish blazer, a sharp hat, a goatee and sunglasses.

"Who are you?" the guy asks.

"I'm your hip replacement."
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What’s the difference between a poorly dressed man on a bicycle and a sharp dressed man on a unicycle?

Attire.
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A lawyer boards a plane and takes his seat in business class.

A few moments later, two more men wander in and sit next to him. They get to chatting and he discovers they are doctors.

After a few moments, one of the doctors comments that he needs a drink.

"It's ok, I'll get it for you," says the lawyer, and gets up. The doctors notice he has take...

At a celebrity party, Stevie Wonder meets golf champ Tiger Woods and mentions that he, too, is an excellent golfer.

Tiger is a bit skeptical that the blind musician can play golf well, but he's too polite to say anything.

"When I tee off, " the singer explains, "I have a guy call to me from the green. My sharp sense of hearing lets me aim."

Tiger is impressed, and Stevie suggests that they play a ...
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An elderly gentleman walks into an upscale cocktail lounge. He is in his mid-80s, well-dressed, hair well-groomed, great looking suit, flower in his lapel and smelling slightly of an expensive after shave. He presents a very nice image.

Seated at the bar is a classy looking lady in her mid-70s.

The sharp old gentleman walks over and sits alongside her. He orders a drink and takes a sip.

He slowly turns to the lady and says: "So, tell me; do I come here often?"

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This is getting way out of hand. For the past week, every morning at 6am sharp, a German Shepherd has come in to my garden and taken a giant poop, right there on the lawn. And you'll never believe what happened today...

He brought his dog with him.

Who has two thumbs and is headed to the hospital?

Not me. Christ that tablesaw was sharp.
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Two horses are talking before a race

One horse says to the other "I don't know what's going on, right before a race I always get this sharp jabbing feeling in my flank." The other horse says " Yeah, that's strange. I get the exact same feeling before a race too!"

Right then a dog passing by said "You idiots, that's a hormone sh...
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A $200 vagina?

Two couples were playing poker one evening.

Jim accidentally dropped some cards on the floor. When he bent down under the table to pick them up, he noticed Bob's wife, Sue wasn't wearing any underwear under her dress! Shocked by this, Jim upon trying to sit back up again, hit his head on the ...

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A Russian, a Japanese dude and a guy from Boston were caught by a group of cannibals...

The leader said to them "we are going to eat you and use your skin to make a canoe, but we will give you the choice of killing yourselves in which ever way you want".
The Russian made a grunting sound then snapped his neck clean off. The Japanese guy took out his samurai sword and honorably kill...

*mugger pulls a knife*

Mugger: gimme your money

Me: well this night took a SHARP turn

*later*

Doctor: it's a record for amount of stabs
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Why are soldiers bad at music theory?

A sharp major doesn’t exist.
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Chinese economist asks American Economist

The Chinese stock market experienced a drastic drop over the past 3 months. With most local economists failing to explain this phenomena, a renowned Chinese economist decided to albeit reluctantly phone up his American counterpart.

Due to the fraught ties between the two countries, the Chines...
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Shaving your ass and going on a crusade are rather similar.

All you need to be successful is a sharp blade and unwavering faith.

A passenger in a taxi was freaking out because the driver was going way past the speed limit and taking sharp turns, barely missing cars in traffic and almost running three red lights. "Just close your eyes" The driver said.

"Trust me it helps, that's what I do"
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I made a clock. The big hand is a butcher's knife, the small hand is a paring knife, and the clock face is a sharpening stone.

There's never a dull moment.
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Jesus on the cross..

After a brutal and tough day carrying the cross up Golgatha, the Romans nailed Jesus with no remorse to the heavy wooden structure. Golgatha was a grand hill, and as the cross was raised Jesus looked down upon all those gathered before him.

He saw his wonderful mother Mary.
He saw gods chi...

Why did the spoon come to the party dressed as a knife?

...The invitation said to look sharp
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The Cheesiest Joke I Know

What did the cracker say to the slice of cheddar?

"Say, you're looking mighty sharp today!"

To which the cheddar replied,

"Fuck you, white boy."

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A guy accidentally says another girls name during sex

One day, Matt is fucking his girlfriend, Sarah, in his apartment, after they both spent some time together. They're both passionately going at it, and look into each others eyes, and as Matt is about to climax he yells "Ohhh, Angela!"

Sarah instantly stops, and gives a sharp cold look, and sh...

Did you know teen pregnancies…

Take a sharp decline at the age of 20.
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I cut my mouth on cheese.

My wife must've bought the extra sharp cheddar.
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A kid threw a chunk of cheddar at me today

I didn't think that was very mature.

Fortunately, it wasn't sharp.
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A blond goes to the doctor

"Doc", she says, "my whole body hurts. No matter what part of my body that I touch, I feel a really sharp pain."

"Demonstrate please.", replies the doctor. "Show me where it hurts."

She reaches down to her thigh and taps it with a finger. She immediately yelps in pain and winces. ...

Dad joke I came up with at work.

I work at a grocery store produce department. Today there was some misplaced cheese in a cooler. I saw it was sharp provolone. I took it to the deli lady and once she read it I said "be careful, it's sharp."
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