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Ache Jokes

How do you treat a shoplifter with a belly ache?

Kleptobismal.

Got terrible back ache so I'm seeing my Egyptian specialist later.

He's a cairopractor.

The story of how I met Mr Ache.

There once was a man, funnier than anybody else. People knew him as Mr Ache. Some would travel from far and wide to learn the art of telling a joke from this guy. He might just have been the funniest guy who ever lived.

One day, I decided I wanted to make a post on r/Jokes. I packed up my thi...

Why did the Cannibal logician get a stomach ache?

Someone he ate disagreed with him.

How do you know when an Irishman has a stomach ache?

He’ll be Dublin over

A man had a terrible stomach ache and rushed into the restroom

A janitor walked into his moaning and groaning. Concerned, he knocked on the stall and asked:
"What's the matter?"
The man replied:
"Solid, liquid, gas... maybe even some plasma..."

A man goes to the doctor to treat a stomach ache.

Doctor: Hello! How are you?

Man: I'm fine, thank you

Doctor: That'll be $250

if it wasn't love, why does my heart ache so much whenever i see her?

I asked myself as i went to order my 3rd big mac

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Once Abdul's wife had a severe stomach ache..

He tried Google, asked his friends and relatives, but no respite from the pain for his wife. Finally, someone suggested to him a reputed Gastroenterologist, and he called him.

Abdul: "Doctor! Please help my wife. She has a severe stomach ache, and I tried everywhere, and nothing is helping. W...

Every time my mom burns my grilled cheese sandwich I get a stomach ache...

I guess I’m black toast intolerant.

I told my wife I was gonna start smoking pot. She said if I did she'd leave me. I guess it's true what they say...

Marijuana truly is an effective way to get rid of aches and pains.

A guy walks into the doctors office with a stomach ache

Doctor says :"Sir, you have worms in you intestines."

Patient freaks out :"what do I do doc?! Get them out of me!!"

Doc replies: "there is only one solution for that, get a watermelon, cut it in half and sit on it. Their leader will come down, taste it and tell the others to come out a...

A very heavy blond went to the clinic to lose weight.

The doctor told her to eat what she normally ate for three days and then skip a day. He told her she would have lost at least 4 pounds till the next month.

She came back four weeks later, 30 pounds lighter! The doctor looked at her surprised and said "How do you feel now?"

Blonde: "I a...

What do you call 1000 aches?

A *kilohurtz*.

What do you call it when your girlfriend has a back ache?

Sorbet

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Chinese Sick Day

Ho Chow calls in to work and say,

"Hey boss, I no come work today, I very sick. Got headache, stomach ache, and legs hurt. I no come work today"

The boss says, "You know something Ho Chow, I really need you today. When I get sick like you do, I go to my wife and ask for sex. That make ...

I had a stomach ache...

My SO asked what's wrong,
I said "I have a clog in my intestines"
she responds with "you need to stop eating shoes"

A strapping young man joins the sheep camp, but soon feels an ache in his loins.

Being up in the mountains, far from the nearest brothel, he asks the other shepherds what they do. They all say, "pick a sheep and have yer fun!" Turning beet red, he's sure they're messing with him, so he decides to wait.

A couple weeks later, he's really desperate, so he asks again. Again, ...

A man walks into his Doctor's appointment and complains of a stomach ache.

"Is it bad? How long have you had it?" asks the doctor.

"It hurts a lot, and I've had it about a week now. I've tried my usual remedies, but nothing has worked."

"Alright," the doctor replies, "We'll run some tests then and I'll call you in a few days to come back once the results are ...

I had heart palpitations, sweating and aches on the day of my first Covid-19 Vaccine

But once I got in and actually had the jab I was fine!

A woman goes to the doctor

With an massive stomach ache.

"Ok", says the doctor, "please lie down on your back let me examine you". He proceeds to push her stomach with both hands and "BRAAAAB" she lets out a huge fart.

"Could you roll to the side" and she does as requested. The doctor presses down again and in...

Two cavemen are waiting at the doctor's office

The first says, "Me name Phil. Me get bee sting. Why you here?"

The second one, covered in blood, smiles and says, "Me name Mike. Me get hit by boulder during rock slide."

The first says, "That must hurt! Why you look so happy?"

The second says, "Me celebrating. It's Mike Ache D...

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A little kid enters the room and catches his dad masturbating

He lets a little scream out and look at his father, dumbfounded.

"Don't be shocked, son. Everybody does this. Soon, you will do it too."

"But... Why, daddy?"




"Because my hands are starting to ache"

What did the chick pea say when it got a stomach ache?

I falafel.

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Guy walks into a bar...

A guy walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a drink. While he sits there he notices a jar full of money on the bar. Next to the jar is a sign that reads, "complete the challenge win the prize." Curious, the guy asks the bartender about the challenge. The bartender explains there are three part...

Agatha Christie

Agatha Christie would write one mystery novel after another without pause until her arms ached.

She was diagnosed with Marple tunnel syndrome.

A drunk man has a tooth ache...

...he goes to the local pub, and asks for a drink, saying that one of his tooth hurts, and wants to numb the pain.
After one drink, he tells the barman his tooth still hurts, and asks for another drink.
Then again, after his second drink, he continues to express his pain, so the barman serves...

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Working in a forestry camp with my buddy Mike

My buddy Mike and I were working in a forestry camp, clearing brush, planting trees, trimming branches, and a hundred other chores.


The foreman, Silan, made us work hard. It seems like we rarely got a break. We would catch our breath, and then it’d be back to work. It was hard work, bac...

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A Visit to the Tailor (Slightly NSFW)

A man starts getting chronic headaches and his testicles swell and become very sensitive. The doctor informs him that his testicles must be amputated or he risks death. The guy reluctantly agrees and the operation is performed. Several days later he comes in for a follow-up. He gets a clean bill of ...

Headache

Pardon if there are any grammatical errors.

Kid - Dad, I have a severe stomach ache.

Dad - Well you haven't eaten your meal.
Your stomach is empty, that is why you have a stomach ache.

Kid - Oh, so empty stomach gives you stomach ache, now I know why you always complain of a ...

A man lay dying in his bed in the upstairs bedroom when all of a sudden...

...he could smell his favorite cookie in the whole world: chocolate chip. His mouth watering, he slowly made his way out of bed and crawled to the stairs, where he painstakingly went down step by aching step. At the bottom of the stairs he sat down to rest. After a moment, the smell of the cooki...

Inner Peace

If you can start the day without caffeine,

If you can always be cheerful, ignoring aches and pains,

If you can resist complaining and boring people with your troubles,

If you can eat the same food every day and be grateful for it,

If you can understand when your loved one...

What's the difference between an oak tree and a tight shoe?

One makes acorns, the other makes corns ache.

Why did Peter put Icy-Hot on his sore shoulder?

For Pete’s ache.

A SHORT HISTORY OF MEDICINE:

"Doctor, I have an ear ache."


2000 B.C. - "Here, eat this root."
1000 B.C. - "That root is heathen, say this prayer."
1850 A.D. - "That prayer is superstition, drink this potion."
1940 A.D. - "That potion is snake oil, swallow this pill."
1985 A.D. - "That pill is ineffec...

Why call them Blue Balls...

When you can call them a Cummy Ache?

A woman was sure that her husband was cheating on her...

and having an affair with the maid. So she laid down a trap.

One evening she suddenly sent the maid home for the weekend & didn't tell the husband.

That night when they went to bed, the husband gave the old story: Excuse me my dear, my stomach aches, & went to the bathroom.
...

Had a bunch of missed calls yesterday...

They were from my buddy Mike complaining he was sore all over.

I think I missed Mike ache day.

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I'm trying to build interest for my new children's book

It's about a vixen whose tail hurts, and each page after the introduction is a new animal trying to help her heal or deal with the pain. Sadly, every publisher I've contacted has rejected the manuscript outright.

I'm not giving up, though. "For Fox' ache" will find it's audience someday.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My new medication is crap

The prescription text reads "take a teaspoon twice a day". So I did for a week.

I'm out of teaspoons now and I have a tummy ache.

Why does Pete take painkillers?

For Pete’s ache

a change of careers

A gynecologist was bored with his job and decided he wanted a new career. He went back to college and decided to become a mechanic. After aching most of his courses, he found himself at the final exam. For his final exam, he has to rebuild an engine and reinstall it in the car. He completed the task...

Epididymitis

Bit of a ball ache.

What's the problem eating too much pumpkin pie this time of year?

You'll get autumn'y ache.

Corona Virus Symptoms Basically Are The Same Feelings You Get When Your Wife Is Checking Your Phone

-Difficulty In Breathing -Sweating Profusely

-Weakness

-Headache

-Stomach Ache

And when you are asked a question the dry cough starts.

The Calendar Had to Visit the Doctor.

It had a terrible year-ache.

Little Johnny is complaining to his mother early in the morning

'Mum, I have a stomach ache...'

'Don't worry, honey,' says the mother. 'It's only aching because you have an empty stomach.'

Little Johnny acknowledges this and calms down. In the evening, Little Johnny's parents welcome an esteemed guest: the Under Secretary of Interior. During the co...

Helpful Daughter

Little Susie, a six year old , complained:"Mother, I've got a stomach ache."

"That's because our stomach is empty", the mother replied. "You would feel better if you had something in it."


That afternoon her daddy came complaining that he had a severe headache all day.

Susie ...

A blonde walks into a doctor's office, the doctor asks what's wrong and the blonde says "My entire body hurts!"

"Oh?" Said the doctor, "like a whole body ache?"

"No!" said the blonde "like everywhere is searing pain! Here I'll show you!"

The blonde pokes her shoulder "That really hurt!"

She pokes her stomach "That really hurt too!"

She bends down and pokes her knees "Both of those ...

A Cure For Hiccups

A man goes into a drugstore and asks the pharmacist if he can give him something for the hiccups. The pharmacist promptly reaches out and slaps the man’s face.

“What did you do that for?” the man asks, rubbing his aching cheek.

“Well, you don’t have the hiccups anymore, do you?” aske...

My wife said, "it looks uncomfortable growing all that facial hair under your nose..."

must ache

What do you get hanging from Apple trees?

Arm ache.

What do you get when you eat a bunch of uranium?

Atomic ache

A man walked out of a barbershop and saw a little boy sitting on the curb.

The man watched as the little boy ate three candy bars in a row, only pausing to unwrap the next one.

The man says to the boy "Don't you know eating all that candy that fast is going to give you a belly ache and make your teeth rot out?"

The little boy looked up at the man and said "My...

What’s the worst or completely unfunniest joke that you can’t tell without laughing?

It doesn’t even have to make sense. For me it’s the following “joke” that for some reason I can’t tell without getting a jaw ache throughout.

There was a man and three cows. He went to the first cow and said, “Are you a man?” The cow said, “No.”

He went to the second cow and asked, “...

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Three old men are talking...

Three old men are talking about their aches, pains and bodily dysfunctions.

One 75-year-old man says: "I have this problem. I wake up every morning at 7 a.m. and it takes me 20 minutes to pee."

An 80-year-old man says: "My case is worse. I get up at 8 a.m. and I sit there and grunt and...

There is only one type of cake I don't like

Stomach ache

My best friend Mat and I were captured by wild Indians

We pleaded and begged that they let us go. They finally conceited to allow Mat to take three trials. Ahead of us were three tepees. The chief told us the first had five barrels of fire water Mat must drink. The second had a grizzly bear with a wicked tooth ache, Mat must pull it's bad tooth. The thi...

TIL It's a myth that people's joints hurt because it's cold and damp

Turns out it's just a mist ache.

My wife and I are really into light BDSM play...

...even our favourite breakfast is spank aches.

Love Story

I shall seek and find you.

I shall take you to bed and control you.

I will make you ache, shake and sweat until you grunt and groan.

I will make you beg for mercy.

I will exhaust you to the point that you will be relieved when I leave you.

And you will be weak for ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

NSFW So this girl finishes giving a well-hung man a very rigorous blow-job.

... Her jaw aches, her eyes are watery, and her throat hurts. But she thought it would all be worth it, yet the guy just zips up & starts to walk away. "Hey!" She says, her voice still a little raspy from the deed. "You said if I gave you head you'd buy me a pony!"

"No," he replie...

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What does a male prostitute say when his phone keeps ringing after he's seen 3 clients in a row?

"FOUR FUCKS ACHE!!"

Most of the time

Most of the time, when you cry, no one notices your tears.

Most of the time, when you hurt, no one notices your pain.

Most of the time, you hold it in, and no one feels the ache.

Most of the time.

Until you fart loudly in public.

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Crap happens

Called in sick to work cause I had a stomach ache and felt constipated.

Got fired.

Couldn't give a crap even if I wanted to.

Sam and Greg lived in a retirement center...

Sam and Greg lived in a retirement center and were sitting on a bench under a tree when Greg turned to the Sam and said, "Sam, I'm 83 years old now and I'm just full of aches and pains. I know you're about my age. How do you feel?"

Sam says, "Well, I feel just like a newborn baby."

G...

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[NSFW] [Long]A newly wed couple movies in with each other for the first time...

A newly wed couple moves in with each other for the first time and are going through the normal aches and pains of learning to live with someone new.

For the most part, everything is going well. No big disagreements, a couple of small annoying habits, but nothing major. Though, after several ...

A Destructive Relationship Ended

```

A friend once introduced us
I hardly even knew

The ties that seemed to bind us
Imperceptively grew

Eventually my body ached
I could only think your name

At 3am I lied awake
Longing for a change

You pulled me from
the ones I love
To...

A man with a list of symptoms goes to the doctors office

A man shuffles into the doctors office, hunched over, wheezing, and clutching his stomach.

Man: “hi doc, I’ve been in constant pain.”

Doctor: “What’s the matter? Tell me the most prevalent symptoms.”

Thinking, the man slowly replies

Man: “ I have aches all over, I have a...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A salesman has to travel to Pittsburg for work...

When he gets to the ticket line at the airport, he is caught by how beautiful, and voluptuous, the desk clerk is.
She asks “can I help you?”
And he stammers out “one picket to titsburg please!”
Embarrassed, he apologizes, corrects himself, and gets his ticket.
For the next three days he’...

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