UPJOKE
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An American soldier, serving in World War II, had just returned from several weeks of intense action on the German front lines.

He had finally been granted R&R and was on a train bound for London. The train was very crowded, so the soldier walked the length of the train, looking for an empty seat. The only unoccupied seat was directly adjacent to a well dressed middle aged lady and was being used by her little dog.
...

What is a weightlifter on a cut the day after an intense workout?

a sore loser

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The voodoo dildo

An old joke probably a repost, one of the few jokes I remember.

A woman went to town for shopping and she found this newagey shop. Curious she went in and looked around when she saw this huge dildo sitting in a corner behind some stuff. She asked the shopowner about it and he told her it's a ...

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Have you ever noticed what a woman's asshole does when she has an intense orgasm?

He's probably out, drinking with his buddies...

Instagram models’ beauty is so intense, it causes

Reality to bend around them

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A young Arab boy asks his father “What is that strange hat you are wearing?”

The father said: "Why, my son, it is a 'chechia.' In the desert it protects our heads from the intense heat of the sun.”

"And what is the long flowing robe you are wearing?” asked the boy.

“Oh, my son!” exclaimed the father “It is very simple. This is a 'djbellah.' As I have told you, ...

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Long joke about dead pilots

Two pilots are dead and brave passengers break down the door to take control of the plane. They get on to air traffic control who guide them….

“Ok stay calm…now do you see those 3 switches located on main panel?”

“Yes, yes!!!”

“Ok make sure they are all switched to ‘on’”

...

My 2 friends got into an intense art competition.

It ended up being a draw!

A young woman was taking golf lessons and had just started playing her first round of golf when she suffered a bee sting.

Her pain was so intense that she decided to return to the clubhouse for medical assistance. The golf pro saw her heading back and said, “You are back early, what’s wrong?” “I was stung by a bee!” she said. “Where?” he asked. “Between the first and second hole.” she replied. He nodded and said, “Your...

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The Queen's breasts

The Queen's breasts

Once upon a time there lived a beautiful Queen with large breasts.

Sid, the Dragon Slayer, obsessed over the Queen for this reason. He knew that the penalty for his desire would be death, should he try to touch them, but he had to try.

One day Sid revealed hi...

A man and a woman meet . . .

A woman meets a man in a bar. They talk; they connect. They end up leaving together. They get back to his place, and he shows her around his apartment. She notices that one wall of his bedroom is completely filled with soft, sweet, cuddly teddy bears. There are three shelves in the bedroom, with hun...

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The wife was unable to reach an orgasm.

A husband and wife are having issues in the bedroom, the man has no issues but the woman can’t reach an orgasm, she tells her husband it is because she gets too warm.

After going to see a specialist, he recommended that they have a constant supply of cool air in the bedroom, so the man asks h...

Have you ever heard a grammar teacher tell a story?

It's always intense!

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After enduring it for over a week, a man goes to the doctor with intense, agonizing, shooting pains from his balls to his kidneys.

"Doc," he says "you just gotta help, the pain literally takes me to the floor, and I can't breath because of it either"

The doctor checks him over, and orders a series of tests, finally prescribing strong painkillers until their next appointment the following week.

"Im sorry," says the...

Which anion has an ​​intense dislike of itself?

Sulfate

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Woman to Doctor: “My husband wants intense sex all day! What can I give him?”

Doctor: “My number.”

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The once was a king with the most beautiful princess in the land…

To find her a prince the king set 3 challenge to find the best man in the land.

The first challenge was to fight his 2 strongest warriors to the death.

The second challenge was to pull a tooth from a gorilla with a toothache.

While the last challenge was to give a woman an orgas...

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A man is moaning while having an intense orgasm during sex...

"Sweet...mother...of God...!" he gasps

"Sir," someone says. "Please leave that Mary statue alone we're in the middle of a sermon."

What’s the most intense moment in history?

When the mission to take the first cow into space commenced.

The steaks had never been higher.

An architect, a physicist, and a mathematician are sleeping in a hotel. It suddenly catches fire in the middle of the night

The architect is the first to wake up to the fire.

“This hotel is similar in design to many i studied during college. If I recall correctly, I should be able to find the fire exit with ease” he notes to himself.

He runs out of his room, down the stairs, and locates a fire exit and es...

What do you call a meme that provokes intense happiness

Dope-a-meme

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A guy goes to see his doctor because he's having an intense as pain in his asshole

The doctor tells him:

"Looks like you have hemorrhoids in your asshole, use this cream and it will help you."

Embarrassed, the guy says:

"Well that's a new experience for me, can you show me how to put the cream on?"

The doctor shows him how to apply the cream, and the gu...

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A young man went into confession crying, and told the priest:

“Forgive me father for I have sinned”.

“What have you done?” asked the priest.

“A few weeks ago I went to the library. I remained there until closing time and when I was about to go home, rain started pouring down. It was so intense I had to wait in the library. I had waited for a wh...

"What part of the human body expands ten times normal size during periods of intense excitement?"

A professor gives his physiology class a spot quiz. One question he asks is, "What part of the human anatomy expands to ten times its normal size during periods of intense emotion and excitement?" He picks a rather overdressed girl in the front row to answer it. "Miss Callahan!" The indicated girl, ...

What’s the best adjective to describe camping?

Intense.

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Just got hired as a federal security officer & its like having sex while camping

It's fucking intense

The arguments between the "pro-mask" and "anti-mask" groups is really intense! People are even PRACTICING their arguments at home first.

Just yesterday I heard a 14 y/o boy tell his friend that at home he mask debates into a sock!

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a newly wed couple decided to spend their honeymoon on a camping trip

it was fucking intense

A policeman is doing his rounds at night when he sees a drunk man searching intensely for something under a brightly lit street lamp.

"Hello, what are you doing here?" he asks.

"I've lost my keys and can't find them," the drunk slurps.

So they both look for the key, but after 10 minutes it is clear: there is no key here.

"Are you sure you lost your key here?" the cop asks.

"Nah, I lost the key i...

A bartender is thinking of closing early, it's been a slow day.

Just as he's about to start shutting down the bar and sending his staff home, the doors are flung open and a huge crowd of people flood inside. They're all singing and dancing, clearly in a celebratory mood, and it's all the bar staff can do to keep the beers flowing as the party atmosphere hits ful...

A man is lost in the forest late at night...

(Quick note: I first heard this joke in Chinese, so this is an attempt to translate it to English)

...and stumbles across a cabin with a light on inside.

He knocks on the door, and is greeted by a kind-looking old lady, who happily welcomes him inside, treats him to a hot meal, allows ...

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I've been diagnosed with a disease that causes intense headaches, confusion, and a complete inability to have sex. Luckily there's a cure.

Divorce.

i saw a priest doing squats while intensely praying at a women

i asked him "what are you doing?"



"im exorcising"

I realised at the last minute that i forgot my protective goggles at the nuclear test facility this morning. My line manager saved my vision and shielded me from the intense light!

He's my super visor

A white scientist is studying a tribe in Africa

A white scientist is studying an African tribe.

One day, the tribe leaders wife has a white son.

The tribe leader approaches the scientist soon after.

"Well, we both know what happened here. No one else could have done it. You slept with my wife, I have to kill you." The tribe l...

Thor and his pals were bored in Asgard one evening

So they came up with the idea to travel to Earth and go to a nightclub. He bumps into a very attractive girl at the bar and without saying a word, they are in love with each other and start making out. They leave immediately and go back to the girl's place. The passion is intense and they make love ...

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A man is suffering from the worst headaches...

From about age 14, a man has been getting more and more intense headaches. They started mildly annoying, but have been consistently getting worse month after month, year after year.

Finally, after about 7 years of troublesome headaches turning into bothersome headaches, turning into debilita...

A son and his Dad have an intense argument and the son storms off, furious.

Before he gets out of earshot of his father, he yells "Jim Morrison was a terrible singer and an uninspired artist who never did anything worthwhile".

His father cannot believe this insolence, and screams at the top of his lungs "As long as you live in this house, you will never, EVER SLAM TH...

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My girlfriend said she wanted to have sex on her period because the orgasms are more intense. I said I was game for that.

Now we just have to wait a couple of years for her to have one.

I read this really intense book about a metal contraption that clips off parts of the body...

It was truly a nailbiter.

Working at the Unemployment Office must be a fairly intense job.

Because if you get fired, you have to come in again the next day.

Gates of Heaven

Three men are waiting in line to address St Peter at the pearly gates.
St Peter asks the first man,
"We're you faithful in your marriage?"
The 1st man replies ," I guess I can't lie here,so, yes. Yes I did many times.
Peter replies,"For all eternity this rusted out Volkswagen shall be yo...

The new image shows the black hole having bright ring formed as photons from light gets drawn in the intense gravity around a black hole that is 6.5 billion times more massive than the Sun…

..but it still doesn't suck more than your Mom.

My friend hated crows so much that he wanted to kill them. One time, I caught him staring intensely at a group of crows...

You could see the murder in his eyes.

Watching action movies on shady sites is great.

You get to experience the movie for free that you would usually have to pay for.

The intense hacking scene in which the database needs to be defended from overseas hackers displaying threat messages.

As well as experiencing the supermodel love interest confess her love.

Then ...

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Due to intense training I've finally mastered Ninjitsu, Judo and...

Two other Japanese words.

What do cattle ranching and an increasingly intense situation have in common?

They both involve raising stakes (steaks)

What online community has the most intense fetish?

Battleboarders.

They're all about finding good *feets*.

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My favorite joke

I went to go visit my friend Chuck on his farm out in Greater Minnesota, and he's showing off his barn, crops, and livestock. When we get to the swine corral, there's an enormous boar... with three wooden legs.

So I ask him, "why does that pig have three wooden legs?"

"Well, Steve, tha...

What do you call an intense love of math?

Calculust.

A man and his daughter get into an intense arguement.

Finally the daughter can take it anymore and storms off to her room shouting "Jim Morrison is over rated" before angrily shutting her bedroom door.

Her father equally as angry yelled back "How many times do I have to tell you? In this house we dont slam The Doors."

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My friend was bragging about this fucking intense new workout. So I told him about the camping orgy I went to.

Now that was fucking in tents.

After months of intense meditation in a shaolin temple I was ready for the final test.

The head of the order looked at me kneeling and spoke. ''You've done exceptionally well. You've mastered the physical, the spiritual, and the emotional. Now you must face the practical. The moment you walk out of here your path will seem clear to you, but that doesn't mean it's right.'

So I g...

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A chance to escape Hell

The other day Bubba and I were walking around town when, out of nowhere, we get run over by a truck and die, and we both go straight to hell.

In hell, I'm greeted by the devil, who tells me that I have two choices: I can either stay in hell being tortured for all of eternity, or I can have se...

I struggle with an intense fear of becoming disabled

It's crippling

So a politician dies...

And ends up standing in front of the pearly gates. Saint Peter looks at him for a second, flicks through his book, and finds his name.

‟So, you’re a politician...”
‟Well, yes, is that a problem?”
‟Oh no, no problem. But we have recently adopted a new system for people in your line of wo...

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Did you hear about the orgy at the circus?

It was fucking intense.

There's a fire at the local chemical plant...

One dark night outside a small town, a fire started inside the local chemical plant. Before long, it exploded into flames and an alarm went out to fire departments from miles around.

After fighting the fire for over an hour, the plant president approached the fire chief and said "All our secr...

I had a really intense counting contest the other day.

We just kept one upping each other.

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The first time I got high was very intense. I was at the back seat of my brother’s car.

It must have been some really good shit, as I am an only child.

After decades of intense research, scientists have finally figured out what a woman wants

Unfortunately, she's since changed her mind.

Hey, you know what's intense?

Camping

[Walks into a bar] A forgetful women of three children walks into a bar, intensely focused on knitting a sweater for her eldest...

Whoops, wrong thread.

Patient: Doctor help me please, every time I drink a cup of coffee I get this intense stinging in my eye.

Doctor: I suggest you remove the spoon before drinking.

My Taiwanese friend is very intense and driven:

He has a real Taipei personality

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What time is it ?

I took my 13-year-old son with me to a large charity barbecue. A few thousand people there and several different rib joints you can sample. It was awesome, the food was fantastic.

There was also a large beer tent that had a band with many people in it. Band was pretty good the music while peo...

"Donald is intensely loyal. To family, friends, employees, country."

-His 3rd wife

A man goes to the doctor.

He tells the doctor he's been hearing strange buzzing noises all week. The sounds come and go at all times of day, but they have been most intense at night. Sometimes there are multiple distinct buzzes at a time, at different frequencies. The patient says he has hardly slept for the past week becaus...

The Princess and the Frog

One day a Princess was walking in her private garden when she spotted a large frog sitting by the side of the pond, staring at her intensely. Having heard all the magical fairy stories, she approached the frog and asked: "Oh magical frog! Is it true that you will turn into a handsome prince if I kis...

Donald Trump "is intensely loyal...he will never let you down." ....

- his third wife

A passenger airplane is flying over the ocean

When all of a sudden the plane experiences a violent jolt. The captain comes over the speaker and says "We have experienced engine failure, and unfortunately, there is nothing we can do. The plane is going down."

While the passengers are contemplating certain death, a woman stands up, rips o...

A solar panel, a wind turbine and a hydro dam are all getting to know each other.

‘What kind of music are you into?’ asks the dam.
‘I’m into trance’, replies the solar panel.
‘Ooh, too intense for me’, dam says, ‘I much prefer classical melodies, maybe a little 60s soul at the weekends.’
‘What about you Mr Turbine? What are you into?’
‘Me?’ He replies, ‘I’m a huge met...

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Jimmy's wife won't orgasm

Jimmy's wife has never had an orgasm in bed with him.

It begins to annoy him so he goes to the doctor and asks for help. The doctor has an odd suggestion - that sometimes women are too warm and this impedes the process. So all he has to do is buy a fan and put it in the room, and it'll solve ...

Nasa was experimenting with different animals in space.

Monkeys were an obvious choice, but they had no patience. Mice chewed all the cables, dogs were too stupid and chickens were always scared. It seemed the only animal that could cope with the intense stress of space travel was a chilled out alley cat.

After a few months of testing and training...

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