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An American soldier, serving in World War II, had just returned from several weeks of intense action on the German front lines.

He had finally been granted R&R and was on a train bound for London. The train was very crowded, so the soldier walked the length of the train, looking for an empty seat. The only unoccupied seat was directly adjacent to a well dressed middle aged lady and was being used by her little dog.
...

My friend likes to setup a poker table in his tent when we go camping.

The game gets intense.

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Due to intense training I've finally mastered Ninjitsu, Judo and...

Two other Japanese words.

The new image shows the black hole having bright ring formed as photons from light gets drawn in the intense gravity around a black hole that is 6.5 billion times more massive than the Sun…

..but it still doesn't suck more than your Mom.

Why are ugly women pretty intense?

Because there is no light in tents.

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My girlfriend said she wanted to have sex on her period because the orgasms are more intense. I said I was game for that.

Now we just have to wait a couple of years for her to have one.

I read this really intense book about a metal contraption that clips off parts of the body...

It was truly a nailbiter.

I realised at the last minute that i forgot my protective goggles at the nuclear test facility this morning. My line manager saved my vision and shielded me from the intense light!

He's my super visor

After months of intense meditation in a shaolin temple I was ready for the final test.

The head of the order looked at me kneeling and spoke. ''You've done exceptionally well. You've mastered the physical, the spiritual, and the emotional. Now you must face the practical. The moment you walk out of here your path will seem clear to you, but that doesn't mean it's right.'

So I g...

What do cattle ranching and an increasingly intense situation have in common?

They both involve raising stakes (steaks)

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Woman: Doctor, my husband wants intense sex all day. What can i give him?

Doctor: My number

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What’s the most intense way to play dodgeball?

Giving someone a blowjob while riding on the teacups.

A man and his daughter get into an intense arguement.

Finally the daughter can take it anymore and storms off to her room shouting "Jim Morrison is over rated" before angrily shutting her bedroom door.

Her father equally as angry yelled back "How many times do I have to tell you? In this house we dont slam The Doors."

10, 20, 30, 40, 50, 60, 70, 80, 90, 100, 110, 120...

Don't bother me. My work here is intense.

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The first time I got high was very intense. I was at the back seat of my brother’s car.

It must have been some really good shit, as I am an only child.

A son and his Dad have an intense argument and the son storms off, furious.

Before he gets out of earshot of his father, he yells "Jim Morrison was a terrible singer and an uninspired artist who never did anything worthwhile".

His father cannot believe this insolence, and screams at the top of his lungs "As long as you live in this house, you will never, EVER SLAM TH...

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You wanna know what’s fucking intense?

Sex while you’re camping.

A politician dies...

And ends up standing in front of the pearly gates. Saint Peter looks at him for a second, flicks through his book, and finds his name.

"So, you're a politician..." "Well, yes, is that a problem?" "Oh no, no problem. But we've recently adopted a new system for people in your line of work, and ...

I tried to do an intense workout that involved 500 sit ups per day

But my body couldn't take the ab use

I struggle with an intense fear of becoming disabled

It's crippling

What do you call an intense love of math?

Calculust.

I had a really intense counting contest the other day.

We just kept one upping each other.

My Taiwanese friend is very intense and driven:

He has a real Taipei personality

Patient: Doctor help me please, every time I drink a cup of coffee I get this intense stinging in my eye.

Doctor: I suggest you remove the spoon before drinking.

After decades of intense research, scientists have finally figured out what a woman wants

Unfortunately, she's since changed her mind.

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The Queens Breasts

Once upon a time there lived a beautiful Queen with large breasts.



Nick, the Dragon Slayer, obsessed over the Queen for this reason. He knew that the penalty for his desire would be death, should he try to touch them, but he had to try.



One day Nick revealed his secret ...

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Two men are drinking at a bar

Two men are sitting drinking at a bar at the top of the Empire State Building when the first man turns to the other and says, "You know, last week I discovered that if you jump from the top of this building, by the time you fall to the 10th floor, the winds around the building are so intense that th...

An international conference was held to decide what the most annoying musical instrument was.

After intense debate, a shortlist of instruments was created, consisting of the bagpipes, didgeridoo, and vuvuzela, but before a vote was held it was decided that the exact origin of each instrument had to be accounted accounted for beyond any doubt.

The didgeridoo's origin was easily proven,...

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Franz was reading his book on death row...

It was the ‘storm of the century’. On death row, Franz was reading his religious texts, looking for God, even as the inmates of the neighbouring cells were having an explosive argument about who should get to shower first. ’14 days to execution’, Franz thought, as he physically and mentally trembled...

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Keanu woke up in hospital

With intense pain in his chest. His son Billy was next to him in tears.

“Wha- what happened?”, said Keanu.

His son told him that a kid at school had been teasing him and was making the accusation that they were half brothers, that Keanu had slept with this other kid’s mom. They had got...

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Don't ever go camping.

That shit's intense.

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A young Arab boy asks his dad....

A young Arab boy asks his dad "what are you wearing on your head?"

The father said: "Why, my son, it is a 'chechia.' In the desert it protects our heads from the intense heat of the sun.”

"And what is the long flowing robe you are wearing?” asked the boy.

“Oh, my son!” exclaimed...

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A girl and her potato

A girl turned up on a blind date only to find that the guy had no arms or legs. Apparently he was a military vet who lost his limbs in action in some war.

Still not wanting to be policitally incorrect, she decided that its just dinner and it couldn't hurt.

Much to her surprise the guy ...

A man meets a beautiful woman in a bar.

They talk, they really hit it off, they end up leaving together.


They get back to her place, and as she shows him around her apartment. He notices that her bedroom is completely packed with teddy bears. Hundreds of small bears on a shelf all the way along the floor, medium sized ones on...

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Two missionaries in Africa were apprehended by a tribe of very hostile cannibals who put them in a large pot of water, build a huge fire under it, and left them there.

As the water boiled and the heat grew more and more intense, one of the missionaries started to laugh uncontrollably.

The other missionary can't believe it. He said, "What's wrong with you? We're being boiled alive! They're gonna eat us! What could possibly be funny at a time like this?"
<...

A woman meets Syd the Stud in a bar.

They talk. They connect. They end up leaving together.

They get back to his place, and as he shows her around his apartment she notices that one wall of his bedroom is completely filled with soft,sweet, cuddly teddy bears. There are three shelves in the bedroom, with hundreds and hund...

Bad, long, and written by Russian who doesn’t know English grammar

Old poor man is traveling on his old camel through the desert under intense heat

His camel had no opportunity to drink for too long, and so it is very tiered.

Then, a caravan of camels loaded with various goods, food and water and leaded by a strong young man catches up with an old m...

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There is a woman, she is dying in her bed in her home.

Her husband is by her side, weeping.

“You know what I would like, before dying? She asks. I’d like to make love to you one last time”.

The husband agrees.

They start slow, gentle, but taken by their passion it becomes more frenetic. He start taking her in several positions, then...

What did one sleeping bag say to the other?







Damn!



Last night was intense.

Archaeologists recently discovered a tomb

When they dug the remains up they saw that the skeleton had a fine layer of chocolate on it and after months of intense research they discovered that it was the remains of the famous Pharaoh Rocher.

A young lady plays golf

One day a young woman had just started playing her round of golf when she suffered a bee sting. Her pain was so intense that she decided to return to the clubhouse for help and to complain.

Her golf pro saw her come into the clubhouse and asked "Why are you back in so early? What's wrong?"...

Family supper.

You and your wife Cass go to her family’s supper.

Michael: Maybe if you stopped at second helpings it be easier for you to lose weight.

Courtney: Maybe if you were nicer you wouldn’t have a 2nd divorce coming.

As the argument gets more intense your wife leans over and says “don...

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Yossel Zelkovitz worked in a Polish pickle factory.......

......for many years, he had a powerful, almost uncontrollable desire to put his penis in the pickle slicer.
Unable to stand it any longer, he finally sought professional help from the factory psychologist.


After six months of intense therapy, however, the frustrated therapist gave...

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A man escapes from a prison where he's been locked up for 15 years.

He breaks into a house to look for money and guns.

Inside, he finds a young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair.

While tying the homeowner's wife to the bed, the convict gets on top of her, kisses her neck, and the makes passionate love to her for hours....

A man goes to the doctor

He tells him, "doctor, I think I have an intense fear of repeating myself."

The doctor asks, "You have a fear of what?"

"I said a fear of-"

The best police in the world: FBI, Scotland Yard or Brazilian Police

FBI, Scotland Yard and the brazilian police were in a competition to determine the best police in the world. A international jury released a rabbit in a dark forest.

The FBI started the search using high-tech localization techniques, satellite maps, nightvision goggles and a DNA tracer. The a...

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A husband and wife are having issues in the bedroom.

The man has no issues, but the woman can't reach an orgasm, she tells her husband it is because she gets too warm.

After going to see a specialist, he recommended that they have a constant supply of cool air in the bedroom, so the man asks his best friend to waft a towel whilst him and his wi...

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A horny American man gets sent to the desert for a job

The desert has a total population of 50 people. After a couple months of his "dry-spell", the man seeks to find out if there's a way to "get the job done" somewhere in the desert.

He asks the locals around and they guide him to the "PIMP with the Camel". He immediately runs up to the PIMP and...

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A lawyer dies and goes to hell...

The devil pulls up his file on his computer and sighs “You’ve been a naughty boy haven’t you? Extortion, gambling, sex with prostitutes and even murder!”

The lawyer hangs his head in shame and the devil pats him lightly on the shoulder.

“I’m a fair guy, what I’m going to do is let you...

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What does eating pussy and smoking a cigarette have in common?

The closer you get to the butt the more intense the flavor.

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Seems the mailman was going to retire...

So, Mrs. Jones told her husband about it because she wanted to do something nice for the guy.

Mr. Jones said "Screw him! Give him five dollars."

So, later that week, Mrs. Jones prepared an elaborate meal and when the mailman came by, she invited him in. She sat him down and served him...

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A man goes to get his wisdom teeth cut out

and the oral surgeon tells him he’s going to give him something for the pain. The man says I don’t need it the last time I felt pain was so intense I haven’t felt pain since. The oral surgeon takes this as a challenge and intentionally tries to hurt the man while he cuts his wisdom teeth out. When h...

Nasa was experimenting with different animals in space.

Monkeys were an obvious choice, but they had no patience. Mice chewed all the cables, dogs were too stupid and chickens were always scared. It seemed the only animal that could cope with the intense stress of space travel was a chilled out alley cat.

After a few months of testing and training...

An arrogant professor boards a plane and gets a seat besides an old man.

Mid-flight, the professor decides to humiliate the old man and prove he’s intellectually superior, so he turns to him and says: “Hey, do you want to play a little game with me?” The old man looks at him and says: “Depends. What type of game?”

The professor goes on to explain the game: “Taking...

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Voodoo Penis

A New Orleans businessman was getting ready for a long business trip, so he thought he would get his horny wife something to keep her occupied.

He went to a sex shop in the French Quarters and explained his situation. The salesman said, “Well, I don’t know that I have anything that will keep ...

A drunk man borrows and loses his partner's prosthetic leg in a game of roulette in Las Vegas while she's asleep in their room. When she wakes up in the morning she is furious and sends him down to the tables to win it back...

..the man, now sober, is absolutely determined to make up for his sordid late night misdeed, and immediately challenges the casino to win back the prosthetic leg.

For the whole next day he is at the table, losing pile after pile of chips, thousands and thousands of dollars at a time.

...

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WARNING... Dad joke ahead.

This actually just happened.

Wife and Son are playing an intense game of battle ship.

Son: I-8

Me: I haven’t ate... I’m hungry

Wife: (not finding the humor)... miss... E-10

Me: Grammar Nazi.

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Have you ever been to a Native American orgy?

It's fucking intense.

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I just learned today that cock fighting involves two roosters...

...well there goes a year and a half of intense training.

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What’s the difference between staring hard at someone, and homosexuals on camping trips?

One is an intense gaze, the other is gays in tents.

Three brothers have been traveling in a desert

The heat was too intense, if they didn’t find shelter immediately they would die

All of a sudden the first brother, the oldest, finds a lamp. Without hesitation he rubs it only for a genie to appear moments later

The genies shouts, “Ah! I awaken once more! You three men shall each get ...

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Three army officers decide to camp near their base for a night...

There hiking up a hill when a massive storm rolls in, they need shelter, luckily for them they find a small, super run down, old, musty, cabin.

They enter the cabin, and it’s a disaster...

Everything is overturned, animals had clearly screwed the place.

But the storm was inten...

A blonde goes onto a game show.

The game show goes something like this: There are 3 contestants and 100 jokes that the host tells. Once a contestant laughs at one of the jokes, they are out. If one of the contestants gets through all 100 jokes without laugh, they win a million dollars.

So the 3 contestants are a blonde, a b...

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Every day after dessert, Marvin and Ethel meet in their spot at the back of the nursing home and they start to kiss.

Progressively, their kissing gets more and more intense. And since Marvin is a very desirable man among the other elderly ladies, Ethel has to make their sessions interesting so he doesn’t leave her. So, every day Ethel will slide her hand down Marvin’s torso and grab his penis and she will leave he...

A man walks through the African wild lands and sees an elephant in distress.

He goes close to it but slowly, knowing that they can become enraged very quickly. Upon closing in on it, the elephant stops trumpeting and looks at the man. There was a minute of intense staring between the two, the man noticed an obvious mark on one of its tusks like a tiny dark grey diamond. Slow...

Rob and Samantha ...

Rob and Samantha Henders just got married but they were having some communication issues – that’s a nice way of saying they were fighting. One day, they were in the car driving down a country road, each not saying a word after a particularly intense fight.
As they passed a barnyard of mules and p...

An American soldier

is fighting in Germany in World War II. The battle is so intense, men are dropping everywhere. Finally, the Americans run out of ammunition. In a panic, a soldier approaches his Sergeant. "Sarge, we're out of ammo! What are we going to do?" The Sergeant looks around, and all he can find is a broom. ...

Death in the Supermarket

Constantly being broke and stuck in an unhappy marriage, a young husband decided to solve both problems by taking out a large insurance policy on his wife, with himself as the beneficiary, and then arranging to have her killed.


A 'friend of a friend' put him in touch with a nefarious, da...

A llama walks into her house to see her husband in bed with another llama

After a moment of intense silence, the husband gets up and says, "alpaca my bags."

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Drown the Little Bastard

A man and his wife are having sex when a bee flies into the woman's vagina and won't come out. They got to the doctor and he says that he wants to try and put honey on the tip of his penis to lure the bee out. The man reluctantly agrees and his wife and the doctor start having sex. After a while it ...

An almost hysterical man calls 911 and yells

"Please come quickly! Kailey is pregnant and her labor started now, it’s really intense!"   "Is this her first child?" asks the operator.   "No you dumb ass! It’s her husband!"

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Wife dies due to misunderstanding

Jim had met the woman of his dreams, a beautiful woman from India. After a brief courtship they got married. As Jim was old fashioned they had intercourse for the first time in their wedding night.
Jim was understandably excited to be with his beautiful wife for the first time and was anxious ...

Coworker asked me about my camping trip this past weekend since it stormed.

I won't lie. It was mostly intense.

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A guy is walking past a house...

That house has a sign on it saying: Free Talking Dog! He stops, wondering what this is all about and notices an old guy sitting on the porch in a rocking chair. The guy says, "Hey, What's up with the talking dog?" The old guys answers, "He's yours if you want him." The guy scratches his head, thinki...

An Australian sergeant seconded to a US army base, for cultural integration.

An Australian sergeant got seconded to a US army base, for cultural integration.

When he arrived, most of the men were away sweeping a neighbouring region.

But a Security Patrol still guarding the base was out close by when it came under unexpected and intense attack.

All rem...

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Pop my Cherry

A man was driving down a remote road when his car broke down. There was no cell service so he walked to the nearest farm. He was approached by a farmer.

“How can I help you?” asked the farmer.

“Can I use a phone, my car broke down?”

“All the phones are down, I can drive you i...

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I was going to go camping with my best friend and his new girlfriend...

...but it was just too fucking intense.

I got into an argument with my English teacher about how I write about the past and the present.

It was intense.

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“I had sex while I was camping“ - “Let me guess ...

... it was fucking in tents?“ - “Extremely intense! And I was told animal abuse, too.“

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A state trooper pulls over a speeding car.

The trooper approaches the car and says “90 miles an hour in a 65, what’s the rush?”

The man in the car replies “I’m a magician and juggler at the circus and I’ll be late!”

The state trooper thinks for a minute and puts the man up to a challenge. The state trooper says “Alright, here’...

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