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I've been diagnosed with a disease that causes intense headaches, confusion, and a complete inability to have sex. Luckily there's a cure.

Divorce.

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Wife: Doctor, my husband wants to have intense sex all day. What can I give him?

Doctor: My number

Working at the Unemployment Office must be a fairly intense job.

Because if you get fired, you have to come in again the next day.

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An American soldier, serving in World War II, had just returned from several weeks of intense action on the German front lines.

He had finally been granted R&R and was on a train bound for London. The train was very crowded, so the soldier walked the length of the train, looking for an empty seat. The only unoccupied seat was directly adjacent to a well dressed middle aged lady and was being used by her little dog.
...

I’ve never been a fan of dramas.

But the series finale of America is intense!

A politician dies...

And ends up standing in front of the pearly gates. Saint Peter looks at him for a second, flicks through his book, and finds his name.

"So, you're a politician..." "Well, yes, is that a problem?" "Oh no, no problem. But we've recently adopted a new system for people in your line of work, and ...

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My girlfriend said she wanted to have sex on her period because the orgasms are more intense. I said I was game for that.

Now we just have to wait a couple of years for her to have one.

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what a set up, for a dad joke. it's worth it tho

full disclosure, this isn't my joke, was sent to me


I knew a bloke who was a massive fan of tractors his whole life.

When he was a kid, he didn't have toy cars or posters of lambos on his bedroom wall, he had toy tractors and trailers and posters of the latest John Deeres.

...

The new image shows the black hole having bright ring formed as photons from light gets drawn in the intense gravity around a black hole that is 6.5 billion times more massive than the Sun…

..but it still doesn't suck more than your Mom.

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A young Arab boy asks his father “What is that strange hat you are wearing?”

The father said: "Why, my son, it is a 'chechia.' In the desert it protects our heads from the intense heat of the sun.”

"And what is the long flowing robe you are wearing?” asked the boy.

“Oh, my son!” exclaimed the father “It is very simple. This is a 'djbellah.' As I have told you, ...

Why are ugly women pretty intense?

Because there is no light in tents.

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A man escapes from a prison after 10 long years. He breaks into a house looking for anything that might help him stay on the run.

Inside, he finds an attractive couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair.

While tying the woman to the bed, the convict gets on top of her, kisses her neck, and the makes passionate love to her for hours. She's moaning in pure bliss despite the terrible circumstances...

Chemical Plant Fire

One dark night outside a small town a fire started inside the local chemical plant. Before long it exploded into flames and an alarm went out to fire departments from miles around. After fighting the fire for over an hour, the chemical company president approached the fire chief and said, "All of ou...

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Never will you meet a man like Jeff.

Diana told Jeff she hated to be embarrassed. She broke up with every man she embarrassed herself in front of.

After eating at a resturaunt, Diana unexpectedly burped loudly. Before she could even turn red, Jeff burped so loud the dishes rattled.

While sitting in church, Diana farted. B...

I realised at the last minute that i forgot my protective goggles at the nuclear test facility this morning. My line manager saved my vision and shielded me from the intense light!

He's my super visor

I read this really intense book about a metal contraption that clips off parts of the body...

It was truly a nailbiter.

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[NSFW] I met someone on Tinder, things were going really well.

So we went to my place, started making out. I laid on the couch, she straddled me, and our hands soon got pretty busy. We started in with the dirty talk. Just as things were getting intense, I whispered in my sexiest voice, “I want you to get off me.”

She jumped up, suddenly really angry, an...

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Due to intense training I've finally mastered Ninjitsu, Judo and...

Two other Japanese words.

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A redhead walks into a tattoo show wearing a leather miniskirt and no panties and sits down in the tattoo chair and says, "I want a tattoo of Bon Jovi on the inside of one thigh and Richie Sambora on the other."

Tattoo artist asks, " What on earth for?"
Woman says, "So when I masturbate I can imagine I'm with either one, or both of them and have really intense orgasms!"
Makes sense to the tattoo artist so he dives in and gets to work. A few hours later the tattoo artist tells the woman that he's finis...

A man and his daughter get into an intense arguement.

Finally the daughter can take it anymore and storms off to her room shouting "Jim Morrison is over rated" before angrily shutting her bedroom door.

Her father equally as angry yelled back "How many times do I have to tell you? In this house we dont slam The Doors."

I went to a Bengals game last year when they were playing the Patriots. The stadium wasn’t completely empty, as a matter of fact I was sitting beside a man with a German Shepard.

This seemed odd, but the dog was intensely watching the game. In the fourth quarter the Bengals were surely losing, the dog started to tear up. Nearing the end of the game the dog was crying and whimpering. When the game was over (34-13 for the Pats) the dog started openly and inconsolably weepin...

Billy’s parents were about to leave for a business trip

They told Billy he would be staying at his grandma’s house for the week and they dropped him off on their way to the airport. Once his parents’ car had left the driveway, Billy started sobbing intensely.
His grandma asked “Billy, what’s wrong? Are you homesick?”
Billy replied “No. I’m heresic...

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A man goes to a brothel and asks for a unique experience.

A man goes to a brothel and asks for a unique experience.

The madam introduces him to a working woman with a glass eye whom brings him to her room.

Once there, she pops the glass eye out of the socket and tells the man to insert his penis in the orifice and thrust in and out.

F...

After months of intense meditation in a shaolin temple I was ready for the final test.

The head of the order looked at me kneeling and spoke. ''You've done exceptionally well. You've mastered the physical, the spiritual, and the emotional. Now you must face the practical. The moment you walk out of here your path will seem clear to you, but that doesn't mean it's right.'

So I g...

7 8 9.

7: <is about to eat 9>
7: Play some intense music to go with my food.
9: <plays The Final Countdown>

9 8 7.

What do cattle ranching and an increasingly intense situation have in common?

They both involve raising stakes (steaks)

A son and his Dad have an intense argument and the son storms off, furious.

Before he gets out of earshot of his father, he yells "Jim Morrison was a terrible singer and an uninspired artist who never did anything worthwhile".

His father cannot believe this insolence, and screams at the top of his lungs "As long as you live in this house, you will never, EVER SLAM TH...

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Two hunters are out in the middle of deer season.

One hunter suddenly feels an intense urge to answer natures call and excuses himself to the bushes.

The second hunter, remaining in the deer blind, finds his prey, kills, and cleans the kill without his friend ever showing up. He goes off to find his buddy, soon discovers him asleep, sitting...

A group of 6 Irish professors and researchers walk into a bar one night...

They have a good old-time drinking, discussing theory, students and their mistakes, current research ideas, and anything and everything in between.

One researcher, who appears to be the leader of this group, orders a round of drinks for everyone and introduces himself to the barkeep as Arthu...

I had a really intense counting contest the other day.

We just kept one upping each other.

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Have you ever had sex in a camping site?

It's fucking intense.

My friend hated crows so much that he wanted to kill them. One time, I caught him staring intensely at a group of crows...

You could see the murder in his eyes.

So, as everyone knows, two different species (flavors) of cheerios cannot mate, right?

That is, if one is honey-nut and another is blueberry, they cannot mate. Anyway, there is this one normal cheerio that is in love with a blueberry cheerio. Unfortunately, he cannot mate with her. He can't even communicate with her because they are of different species. So, he invents a machine that ...

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The first time I got high was very intense. I was at the back seat of my brother’s car.

It must have been some really good shit, as I am an only child.

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The Queens Breasts

Once upon a time there lived a beautiful Queen with large breasts.



Nick, the Dragon Slayer, obsessed over the Queen for this reason. He knew that the penalty for his desire would be death, should he try to touch them, but he had to try.



One day Nick revealed his secret ...

I want to die like my grandfather, sleeping calmly.

Not like the passengers on his bus, screaming intensely.

Temple of Eternal Light

Three couples are meeting with the Grand Guru of the Temple of Eternal Light, hoping to increase their sense of meaning and connectedness with the world. After listening to his sermon in rapture they ask how to join the Temple of Eternal Light.

"You must first demonstrate your commitment to t...

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A woman was sitting next to a man on a plane who kept sneezing and then shaking violently for several seconds thereafter.

After awhile, she got curious and asked, "are you feeling okay? I've noticed that you shake a lot after each sneeze."

The man said, "yes, I just have a condition where whenever I sneeze I have an intense orgasm."

The woman said, "oh, my! I can see how that could be very inconvenient....

What do you call an intense love of math?

Calculust.

I tried to do an intense workout that involved 500 sit ups per day

But my body couldn't take the ab use

A secret governmental team was recently discovered...

There are 5 members, all equipped with their own devastating properties:

First is Wall, a bulky tank that has the strength capacity to destroy a brick wall in a single punch. His threatening amount of muscles can make the strongest men run in terror.

Next is Ssss. Nobody knows much abo...

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I was conceived at a campsite.

My parents were fucking intense.

A young man and a young woman met at a party, fell in love and moved in together.

Soon, some say too soon after that, they got married. As the newlyweds didn’t have a car, the mother of the bride decided to gift them the family heirloom, a 1965 Mustang GT350 that the brides grandfather had been racing back in the day.

For a while all was well and the bride and the groom sp...

I struggle with an intense fear of becoming disabled

It's crippling

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Franz was reading his book on death row...

It was the ‘storm of the century’. On death row, Franz was reading his religious texts, looking for God, even as the inmates of the neighbouring cells were having an explosive argument about who should get to shower first. ’14 days to execution’, Franz thought, as he physically and mentally trembled...

A man decides to buy two horses. When he brought them home he realized he needed some way to tell them apart .

So he called his neighbor to help out. The neighbor said "You know, you could just snip a little bit of one horse's tail and leave the other one's intact, that way you can tell them apart by the length of the tail". The man liked that idea and he took some scissors and snipped a bit of the first hor...

Patient: Doctor help me please, every time I drink a cup of coffee I get this intense stinging in my eye.

Doctor: I suggest you remove the spoon before drinking.

Hey, you know what's intense?

Camping

[Walks into a bar] A forgetful women of three children walks into a bar, intensely focused on knitting a sweater for her eldest...

Whoops, wrong thread.

A man meets a beautiful woman in a bar.

They talk, they really hit it off, they end up leaving together.


They get back to her place, and as she shows him around her apartment. He notices that her bedroom is completely packed with teddy bears. Hundreds of small bears on a shelf all the way along the floor, medium sized ones on...

"Donald is intensely loyal. To family, friends, employees, country."

-His 3rd wife

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Two men are drinking at a bar

Two men are sitting drinking at a bar at the top of the Empire State Building when the first man turns to the other and says, "You know, last week I discovered that if you jump from the top of this building, by the time you fall to the 10th floor, the winds around the building are so intense that th...

My Taiwanese friend is very intense and driven:

He has a real Taipei personality

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A husband and wife are having issues in the bedroom.

The man has no issues, but the woman can't reach an orgasm, she tells her husband it is because she gets too warm.

After going to see a specialist, he recommended that they have a constant supply of cool air in the bedroom, so the man asks his best friend to waft a towel whilst him and his wi...

After a long engagement,

Peter and his wife, Mary had taken the step of matrimony.

One day, Peter and Mary sat down to discuss what traits they wanted their baby to have. After a long discussion, the couple decided that to be successful in life, their baby must be courteous to others and be the most polite person in...

Once upon a time

in a far away land there was a noble king and his beautiful, pregnant wife. The king was much loved by his people, but he had an intensely jealous brother. Envious that the birth of the prince would mean he would never rule, the brother sought the help of an evil witch. The witch cursed the unborn c...

After decades of intense research, scientists have finally figured out what a woman wants

Unfortunately, she's since changed her mind.

Nasa was experimenting with different animals in space.

Monkeys were an obvious choice, but they had no patience. Mice chewed all the cables, dogs were too stupid and chickens were always scared. It seemed the only animal that could cope with the intense stress of space travel was a chilled out alley cat.

After a few months of testing and training...

An international conference was held to decide what the most annoying musical instrument was.

After intense debate, a shortlist of instruments was created, consisting of the bagpipes, didgeridoo, and vuvuzela, but before a vote was held it was decided that the exact origin of each instrument had to be accounted accounted for beyond any doubt.

The didgeridoo's origin was easily proven,...

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A Lame Date

A girl turned up on a blind date only to find that the guy had no arms or legs. Apparently he was a military vet who lost his limbs in action in some war.



Still not wanting to be policitally incorrect, she decided that its just dinner and it couldn't hurt.



Much to her s...

Archaeologists recently discovered a tomb

When they dug the remains up they saw that the skeleton had a fine layer of chocolate on it and after months of intense research they discovered that it was the remains of the famous Pharaoh Rocher.

A woman meets Syd the Stud in a bar.

They talk. They connect. They end up leaving together.


They get back to his place, and as he shows her around his apartment she notices that one wall of his bedroom is completely filled with soft,sweet, cuddly teddy bears. There are three shelves in the bedroom, with hundreds and hu...

Donald Trump "is intensely loyal...he will never let you down." ....

- his third wife

My friend likes to setup a poker table in his tent when we go camping.

The game gets intense.

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WARNING... Dad joke ahead.

This actually just happened.

Wife and Son are playing an intense game of battle ship.

Son: I-8

Me: I haven’t ate... I’m hungry

Wife: (not finding the humor)... miss... E-10

Me: Grammar Nazi.

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Yossel Zelkovitz worked in a Polish pickle factory.......

......for many years, he had a powerful, almost uncontrollable desire to put his penis in the pickle slicer.
Unable to stand it any longer, he finally sought professional help from the factory psychologist.


After six months of intense therapy, however, the frustrated therapist gave...

Bad, long, and written by Russian who doesn’t know English grammar

Old poor man is traveling on his old camel through the desert under intense heat

His camel had no opportunity to drink for too long, and so it is very tiered.

Then, a caravan of camels loaded with various goods, food and water and leaded by a strong young man catches up with an old m...

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There is a woman, she is dying in her bed in her home.

Her husband is by her side, weeping.

“You know what I would like, before dying? She asks. I’d like to make love to you one last time”.

The husband agrees.

They start slow, gentle, but taken by their passion it becomes more frenetic. He start taking her in several positions, then...

A young lady plays golf

One day a young woman had just started playing her round of golf when she suffered a bee sting. Her pain was so intense that she decided to return to the clubhouse for help and to complain.

Her golf pro saw her come into the clubhouse and asked "Why are you back in so early? What's wrong?"...

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