A man goes to a doctors office, and says “Whenever I touch anywhere on my body, it hurts”

He touches his arm, and screams in agony. He touches his shoulder, and screams in agony. The doctor observes all this and says, “I think you have a broken finger.”

Doctor my bottom hurts.

Doc: "Can you tell me exactly where it hurts?"

P: "Right around the entrance."

Doc: "As long as you call it entrance it will hurt."

One day, Pete complained to his friend, “My head really hurts. I guess I should see a doctor.”

His friend said, “Don’t do that. There’s a computer at the drug store that can diagnose anything quicker and cheaper than a doctor. Simply tell it the problem, put in a sample of your urine, and the computer will diagnose it and tell you what you can do about the issue you’re having. It only costs $...

A tub of margarine fell on my foot three weeks ago and it still hurts.

I can't believe it's not better.

Hey girl, did it hurt when you fell from heaven?

Because it looks like you landed on your face.

Just hurt my wrists digging a hole between two koi ponds.

I think it's carpal tunnel.

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I hurt my shoulder using the churner so I stopped immediately...

...it's a little bit butter now

I need to tell my girlfriend she's using way too much teeth when she goes down on me, but I don't want to hurt her feelings.

How do I soften the blow?

I went to grab some cheddar cheese and hurt myself

It was too sharp

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My girlfriend wanted me to give her 9 inches and make it hurt.

So I fucked her three times then slapped her.

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Doctor, my butt hurt, what can I do?

-where specifically?

-it's in the entrance

-look ma'am, that's an exit, as long as you keep calling it and entrance it's gonna keep hurting

Drinking coffee used to make my eyes hurt a little.

Then I learned you're supposed to remove the spoon from the mug first.

What does an alligator drink when hurt?

Gator-Aid.

What’s yellow and hurts when it gets in your eye?

A bulldozer.

Link: when I get hurt I lose hearts

**Sonic:** when I get hurt I drop rings

**Mario: *[self conscious about his height]*:** can-a we talk about-a something else-a?

A man hurt himself while trying to chop wood

I guess you could say he had an axe-ident.

NSFW The wife wanted to try masochism. "Hurt Me!" she said, as she stripped and lay down on the bed.

The husband said "Okay, You're a terrible cook, and your sister's a better lay"

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It was the first night for a newlywed couple. The bride was still a virgin because she heard how much sex can hurt if a man has a large dick.

To make his bride feel at ease, the groom said to her, "OK, I am going to go outside and slowly show you my dick through the door. Stay calm, there is nothing to be afraid of".

So he walked out, leaving the door slightly ajar and then stuck a little bit of his dick through the gap and asked, ...

A photographer was badly hurt this morning when a huge block of cheese fell on him.

Everyone posing for the wedding party picture had tried to warn him.

Since vampires are hurt by holy water, I always wondered why Priests don’t bless storm clouds and kill them from above. Then I realized why most vampires live in Europe

Someone already blessed the rains down in Africa

Where do people injured playing competitive peek-a-boo go when they're hurt?

The ICU

As I was driving underground with strangers, my wrist began to hurt

It must be carpool tunnel syndrome

I got hurt while performing a surgery on a bee.

It was a sting operation.

To all the people in Madrid that are hurting...

I feel your Spain.

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My stomach hurts, but if it's guilt or impacted stool, I can't tell.

Either way, I'm so full of shit.

A man goes to the doctor complaining that that every part of his body hurts.

The doctors tells the man to show him where it hurts. The man points to his elbow, and says "ow!", then he points to his legs and exlaims "ow!", and then he points to his stomach and so forth until he has pointed to all parts of his body saying that they all hurt.

The doctor determines that ...

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Masochist: hurt me

sadist: no

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I've been hurt a lot...

But I've learned not to text while walking. I keep bumping into shit.

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Women will keep going back to the same man that hurt them

but will never go back to the hairdresser that fucked up their hair style that one time

A man is on his deathbed, and he asks his wife...

"Martha, soon I will be gone forever, and there's something I have to know. In all of these 50 years of marriage, have you ever been unfaithful to me?"

Martha replied, "Well Henry, I have to be honest with you. Yes, I've been unfaithful to you three times during these 50 years, but always for...

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My wife told me I had a small penis, so I said it was big enough to hurt her.

"There isn't a woman in the world that would be hurt by that thing." She said.

I then showed her a video of me fucking her sister.

Doctor, it hurts...

Says the patient with so much pain.

Patient: It hurts when I touch my head.
Doctor: \*Takes a look at the head\*, \*Does MRI\* Well, what else?

Patient: It hurts when I touch my shoulders.

Doctor: \*Takes shoulder x-ray\* Hmmm, is there anything else?

Patient: It hur...

"Dude how did you hurt your face so bad?"

"See that tree over there?"

"Yeah"

"Well, I didn't"

My back has been hurting for a while now...

But I don't mind, it's spine.

Doc, every part of my body hurts:

Me: “I touch my head it hurts.

I touch my stomach it hurrs

I touch my leg it hurts

I touch my eye it hurts

I touch my neck it hurts.

What is wrong with me?”

Doc: “You have a broken finger”

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Hurts all over

Patient: “Doc, it hurts when I touch my knee, it hurts when I touch my cheek, it hurts when I touch my ear ..” doctor examines him, then says: "You’ve got sprained finger, you fucking moron.”

Normal back: hurts, backstreet back:

Alright

What did the cat say when it hurt its leg?

Me-ow.

So did it hurt when you fell?

Her: from heaven?..

No. When you fell face first, right there at the entrance. I saw. Everyone saw.

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My therapist told me to write letters to the people who hurt me and burn them.

I did it. Now what should I do with the letters?

The Doctor asks the patient: "Does your head hurt?"

Patient: "Yes it does, doctor."

Doctor: "Good, now are we vaccinating your child, or do I have to slap you again?"

He couldn't hurt a fly

Honestly, you should choose a different exterminator.

Why Parents Drink

A father passing by his son's bedroom was astonished to see that his bed
was nicely made and everything was picked up.
Then he saw an Envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow that was addressed to 'Dad.'

With the worst premonition he opened the envelope with trembling hands and...

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A Cop Pulls a Little Old Lady Over for Speeding

Cop pulls over a little old lady and asks for her licence and registration. When she pulls out her wallet, he sees a handgun in her purse.

"Ma'am, is that a gun in your purse?"

"Yes, Officer, it's a .38 Smith & Wesson revolver."

"Please place that purse on the passenge...

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"I'm almost afraid to have sex with you, I think it might hurt."

"I'm almost afraid to have sex with you, I think it might hurt." said my new girlfriend.

"Why's that, love. You afraid of a big cock?" I asked smiling as I took a drink.

"No, because it just took you 6 minutes to put the straw in the hole of your Capri-Sun juice pouch." she rep...

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A Masochist asks a Sadist to Continue Hurting Him

A true sadist says "No!"

Where do you take someone that got hurt playing peek a boo?

To the I.C.U

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A masochist walks out onto the street, screaming "Please, hurt me, please!"

As he tears his shirt and wails out, a crowd gathers around him, until finally, a sadist steps forward.

Once more, the man screams to him, pleading "Please, hurt me, I need it!"

To which, the sadist walks around him in a circle, smirks at him, and says "No".

All credit to my o...

Dentist: “This is going to hurt a little"

Patient: “ OK "

Dentist: “I’ve been having an affair with your wife for a while now.”

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I'm not a big fan of shower sex.

The drain hurts my penis.

I went to the doctor and said: My back hurts in three places...

He said: Don’t go to those places

"I can't ever see you again. I won't let you hurt me like this again. Abuse is never OK."

**Trainer:** It was one sit up. You did one sit up.

My dad just got a tall new grill and I’m worried he’ll get hurt trying to use it.

The steaks have never been higher.

Toilet brush

Whilst this is a joke, my nan actually told me this yesterday and insists it’s a true story from the 60s when she lived in Cornwall...

So, my grandma was was walking down the street and her neighbour, let’s call her Beverley, was heading towards her carrying her shopping but was walking kind ...

Scarier than funnier, but a good laugh never hurts.

-Did you hear they opened up a George Orwell memorial in the states?

-Oh really!? Where?

-Well...pretty much everywhere.

A farmer named Paddy had a car accident. He was hit by a truck owned by the Eversweet Company. In court, the Eversweet Company's hot-shot solicitor was questioning Paddy.

'Didn't you say to the police at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine?' asked the solicitor.
Paddy responded: 'Well, I'll tell you what happened. I'd just loaded my fav'rit cow, Bessie, into da... '

'I didn't ask for any details', the solicitor interrupted. 'Just answer the question. Did...

"Babe is it in?" "Yea." "Does it hurt?" "Uh huh." "Let me put it in slowly." "It still hurts."

"Okay, let's try another shoe size."

"Sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me"

Nine out of ten police officers disagree with this statement.

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A mathematician walks into a bar, actually...

An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar

The first mathematician orders a beer

The second orders half a beer

"I don't serve half-beers" the bartender replies

"Excuse me?" Asks mathematician #2

"What kind of bar serves half-beers?" The bartender remarks....

I have a bike with no seat. It hurts to ride, and no one wants to buy it because it has no seat. So I'm stuck riding this bike.

It's a vicious cycle.

There was a porta-potty near the edge of a small cliff

Everyday young Bobby would walk by it on the way home from school, and every day he would resist the temptation to kick it off the edge of the cliff.

This all changed one day when Bobby had a particularly bad day at school. He had learned about boring topics, like how George Washington cut do...

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Flash was running and saw Wonder Woman lying naked in the beach (NSFW)

He thought this would be the best chance,he could go in, do his business and leave even before anyone notices. So he goes in, finishes his business and runs away!

Sensiting this commotion, Wonder Woman asks "What the fuck just happened? " and Invisible Man replies "I don't know, but my asshol...

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My friend Bob hurt his back and asked me to go upstairs and get his slippers....

When I get up there, I see his wife and his sister naked laying in bed. I tell them,

"Bob told me to come up here and fuck both of you."

"No way did Bob say that!" they exclaimed.

I yelled down the stairs, "Bob! both of them or just one?!"

"Well what good is fuckin one o...

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My therapist said I should identify the people in my life that have hurt me, write letters to them explaining what they did and then burn them.

I feel so much better but I don't know what to do with all these letters.

Why did the Satanic cults’ feet hurt?

They sold their soles to the devil.

Doctor: "Does it hurt?" Patient: "Only when I'm breathing."

Both laugh for a while.
Doctor: "That will soon be over. "

What do you call a sentence that can hurt you ?

A punchline...

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A man goes to Gandhi and asks him "Why don't you take revenge of those that hurt you?"

Gandhi smiles and calmly says"Look at me, even If I want to, do I look like I fucking can?!"

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Once there was a Man with a 15 inch penis.

He absolutely hated it, because it was too big for any woman to handle. Every time he tried to have sex, he ended up accidentally hurting his partner.
One day he went to the witch at the edge of town and asked her to help him make it smaller. "I cannot do that," said the witch, "But I do know the...

an old arabic joke my uncle told me

a dumb guy fell down and hurt his back badly, he had to go to the hospital

the doctor told him: "just take this cream and apply it to the area of injury"

he went home and rubbed the cream on the staircase.

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A man gets pulled over at a DUI checkpoint...

A man is driving home from a party with his wife and son. They get pulled over at a DUI checkpoint and the policeman gives the man the breathalizer test. The machine beeps and the policeman asks the man to step out of the car.

‟Bullshit!”, he exclaims in response. ‟I haven’t had a single dro...

My friend Doug shocked and hurt me.

He told me today that I make people very uncomfortable and have no respect for personal space. I mean, what a horrible thing to say to a friend? It totally ruined our bath.

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A man goes to a urologist...

...and says he has a problem with his penis.

"OK, well, can you urinate, can you get an erection?"
"Sure, no problem."
"Ermm, well how about your sex life, can you describe it to me?"
"Well, I wake up and have sex with my wife. Then I make some coffee and vreakfast, and when she co...

Way too much time on my hands so I decided to make a bong out of a pineapple and paper towel tube. Didn't want to leave the house, so tried to smoke oregano, but found it really hurt my throat. Tried black pepper, but it just made me sneeze...

Moved on to some ground ginger, but the smoke made my eyes water.

Went on the internet where it says banana peels can be smoked, but couldn't get them dry enough to combust.

Checked under the sofa cushion, found an old bent up cigarette, placed it in the bowl, took a deep hit and real...

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Whoever said sticks and stones may break my bones but words can never hurt me

He obviously never been smacked in the balls with a concise Oxford English Dictionary.

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One of my favorite jokes

One day, a woman, pregnant with triplets, had some business to do in the bank. Tough luck, 3 minutes into her conversation with an assistant, an armed robber barges into the bank. He was quickly apprehended, but he managed to fire three shots. Unfortunately, all of them hit her right in the belly....

I just witnessed my friend fall on the staircase, he was badly hurt so i came running and asked:

Are the stairs ok?

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I recently started learning Morse code, but it's really hurting my sleep schedule

FUCK U TOO RAIN

Video games never made me angry or want to hurt people.

Working in customer service already did that.

An Englishman, An Irishman and a Scotsman walk into a bar...

The Welshman ducks and avoids hurting himself.

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Royal Wedding

On the day of the Royal wedding,Sophie was getting dressed,surrounded by all
of her family. She suddenly realised she’d forgotten to get any shoes.
Panic!

Then her sister remembered that she had a pair of white shoes from her wedding so she lent them to Sophie for the day. Unfortunately...

I hurt my back in Egypt

It got so bad, I had to see a Cairo-practor

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Rolled my first joint last night.

Fuck, my ankle hurts this morning.

Doctor: Does it hurt?

Woman: Yes...

Doctor: Go vaccinate your kid or I will punch you again.

I just finished installing a 5G mast for the local area when this crazy lady runs out of the house and starts throwing bizarre accusations of how 5G is hurting people's health and what monsters we telecoms guys are. What a screwball!

4G must've fried her brain.

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Superman was flying over metropolis and thought "Man, I am horny af."

Just then he saw Wonder Woman on top of a building getting a tan. Asshole naked with her legs spread wide open. Superman thought, " I can fly down there, get some of that Wonder pussy and fly away before she even knows." So he flies down, gets it in, gets off, and flies away. All in under a second. ...

How does PETA support animals that have been hurt?

By unplugging their life support so they can sing for them.

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They say that circumcision doesn't hurt the baby...

But fuck me, I didn't walk for a year after.

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For Valentine's Day my girlfriend told me to give her nine inches and make it hurt...

... so I fucked her twice and hit her with a rock.

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I was first sexually active at 10.

It's now 10:30, and my arm hurts.

Attitude Adjustment

For her birthday, Jane received a fully-grown parrot as a gift. It was a brilliantly colored, with plumes of emerald green, sunset orange, ocean blue, and ruby red. But the parrot had a vocabulary worse than a sailor's. Every other word was profanity; those that weren't profanity were, to say the le...

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Did it hurt?

When you fell into the toilet you piece of shit.

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Me to Doctor: I've hurt my penis in a surfing accident. Doctor: Did you fall off your board?

Me:

No I slammed my laptop shut when the Wife walked in.

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Why did Helen Keller’s belly button hurt?

Her boyfriend was blind too.

I may not be a chef

But boyardees hoes hurting my feelings

I was fighting overseas

She wanted B's but I said it wouldn't hurt to upgrade

"Everytime I drink my coffee, my eye hurts."

Those were the words I said to my doctor.

He then instructed me to prepare a coffee, like how I always did.

I poured hot water into the cup. Added the coffee, sugar then the creamer. Stirred a few times, then took a sip. My eye hurt.

He then said "try removing the teaspoon befo...

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Joe went to the doctor and said "Doc, my balls really hurt"..

..so the doctor started examining his balls. After a while the doctor said, "Joe, I'm afraid you just have to stop mastrubating"

"Oh", Joe said worriedly. "Why"?

"Well, I'm trying to examin your balls"

My wife told me to do some light reading at the end of a long day. It was horrible, and now my eyes hurt.

The only thing I was able to make out was "60 watts - made in China"

What’s red and hurts your teeth?

A brick.

Woman and Doctor

Woman: Doctor! Something is wrong with me! When I touch my arm, it hurts! When I touch my chin, it hurts! When I touch my knee, it hurts!

Doctor: Don't worry, I know exactly what is wrong!

Woman: Oh no! Is it bad? Am I going to die?

Doctor: No, your finger is broken.

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My body hurts as if I had been having sex all night long

But that "as if" is what hurts the most

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Naked painting

The head nun tells the two new nuns that they have to paint their room without getting any paint on their clothes.

So the one nun says to the other, "Hey, let's take all our clothes off, fold them up, and lock the door."

So they do this, and begin painting their room. Soon they hear ...

Holy crash

A rabbi and a priest get into a car accident and it's a bad one. Both cars are totally demolished but, amazingly, neither of the holy men is hurt. After they crawl out of their cars, the Rabbi sees the priest's collar and says,"So you're a priest I'm a Rabbi. Just look at our cars. Theres nothing le...

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Man goes to see a doctor about a life-long affliction... (long)

Man (In a raspy, hoarse voice): Doctor, you have to help me, as you can hear, my voice is hoarse and I can barely speak because it hurts too much. It's been like this since I was a teenager. I can't find work, can't talk with friends, or meet a woman. It's ruining my life. Can you help me?
...

I'm fine driving through tunnels when I'm on my own. But the minute I have multiple passengers and I drive through a tunnel, it hurts to hold the steering wheel.

I think I have carpool tunnel syndrome.

What did the boy say to his sister when he hurt his toe?

Mitosis

Patient: Doctor, every time I drink tea my eye hurts.

Doctor: did you try taking spoon out from the cup?

Three sisters decided to get married on the same day to save their parents the expense of separate weddings.

As a further step to reduce the price tag, the three sisters resolved to spend their honeymoon night at home. Later that night, their mother couldn’t sleep, so she went to the kitchen for a cup of tea. On her way, she tiptoed by her oldest daughter’s bedroom and heard her screaming. The mother thou...

A piece of string walks into a bar...

"I'd like a beer please", said the string to the bar tender.
"I'm sorry, but we don't serve pieces of string in this bar, please leave"
Feeling rather hurt, the piece of string left the bar and when no one was looking took out a comb and combed his hair forward, before walking back in again. ...

My wife got hurt bumping into the sofa...

I called her an **ouch potato**.

Pharaohs almost never farted until it hurt. It was considered a terrible fate

Many called it the curse of Toot-uncommon.

At his death bed, Achilles realized that they where going to loose the war and uttered his last words.

Defeet hurts.

Johnny and Lorraine met when they where 18 years old

Through the years their relationship blossomed and evolved from friends to lovers to eventually that of a husband and wife.


Alas, as is often the case their relationship was heavily tested. 10 years after getting married to Lorraine, Johnny met a woman named Clearly and started develop...

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