Doctor my bottom hurts.

Doc: "Can you tell me exactly where it hurts?"

P: "Right around the entrance."

Doc: "As long as you call it entrance it will hurt."

My dentist told me "This might hurt a little bit. Are you ready?"

I said "Yes, I'm ready."

He said "I'm sleeping with your wife."

It hurts me to say this...

I have a sore throat

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I know for a fact that getting kicked on the balls hurts more than childbirth.

How do I know this?

Most women want to having another baby despite going through childbirth, yet I’ve never seen a man ask to get kicked in the balls.

Confucius say: Man who hurts another gets charged with battery.

Man who kills another gets charged with electricity.

What is grey and hurts if it flies in your eye?

A Boeing F/A-18E/F Super Hornet

Doctor: Did it hurt? Patient: Yes, a lot.

Doctor: So are you going to take the vaccine, or should I punch you in the face again?

Last week, i tripped over my bike and really hurt myself.

So i moved it into another room. But the next day, forgetting i moved it, i tripped again. So i moved it into another room. The next day, again I forgot, and I tripped again. So i moved it. The next day...

It's a vicious cycle.

A blonde walks into a doctor's office, the doctor asks what's wrong and the blonde says "My entire body hurts!"

"Oh?" Said the doctor, "like a whole body ache?"

"No!" said the blonde "like everywhere is searing pain! Here I'll show you!"

The blonde pokes her shoulder "That really hurt!"

She pokes her stomach "That really hurt too!"

She bends down and pokes her knees "Both of those ...

One day, Pete complained to his friend, “My head really hurts. I guess I should see a doctor.”

His friend said, “Don’t do that. There’s a computer at the drug store that can diagnose anything quicker and cheaper than a doctor. Simply tell it the problem, put in a sample of your urine, and the computer will diagnose it and tell you what you can do about the issue you’re having. It only costs $...

A guy walks into a pharmacy: "I have extreme headaches, my belly cramps, I feel like I'm about to vomit and my back hurts like something tears the muscles apart. Do you have something?"

Pharmacists: Nope, I feel fine!

Did you hear how the zombie bodybuilder hurt his back?

He was dead lifting

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Had COVID symptoms so I went to the pharmacy to grab something to sooth my throat. It hurt to talk, so I went up to the counter and without saying anything, gestured towards my neck. The Pharmacist paused for a second, looked at me and then said “for cough?”

So I mustered up the strength to grunt “No you fuck off” and went somewhere else.

Patient: Doc, it hurts when I pee...what do you think is going on?

Doctor: You're in pain.

I got the word “Ouch” tattooed on the back of my foot yesterday. My dad asked me if it still hurts.

I told him yes, but it’ll heel.

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A man says to his doctor "Doctor, I have an embarrassing sexual problem"

The doctor says "Tell me about your sex life,"

The man says "Well, first thing in the morning, the wife and I have a quick 'morning glory'. Then I go to work and about eleven o'clock my secretary gives me a BJ at my desk. I nip home at lunchtime and do the wife over the kitchen table, then af...

A man goes to a doctors office, and says “Whenever I touch anywhere on my body, it hurts”

He touches his arm, and screams in agony. He touches his shoulder, and screams in agony. The doctor observes all this and says, “I think you have a broken finger.”

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Superman is out flying and sees wonder woman naked on a rooftop with her legs wide open and moaning in delight

He thinks to himself that as he is faster than a speeding bullet he can do his business with her and fly off before she knows it. He toys with the idea and decides to go for it. He swoops down fucks her with lightning thrusts and zooms off in a flash. The whole event lasts less than a second. As soo...

Got attached by zombies but they didn't hurt me.

Fortunately, they were looking for brains.

Did you hear Pedro Pascal hurt his back during The Mandalorian?

It was from carrying the Star Wars franchise

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A whole tub of margarine fell on my toe three weeks ago and it still hurts.

A whole tub of margarine fell on my toe three weeks ago and it still hurts.

I can't believe it's not butter.

A football player goes to the doctor and says "It hurts when I touch my face, elbow and knee." The doctor says,

"You've broken your finger"

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An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar

An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar

   The first mathematician orders a beer 

The second orders half a beer 

"I don't serve half-beers" the bartender replies 

"Excuse me?" Asks mathematician #2 

"What kind of bar serves half-beers?" The barten...

I need to tell my girlfriend she's using way too much teeth when she goes down on me, but I don't want to hurt her feelings.

How do I soften the blow?

I hurt my back in Egypt

It got so bad that I had to visit a cairopractor

“What does a kangaroo get if it hurts itself really badly?”

“A hop-eration”

Courtesy of my 7yo daughter so be kind!

A man at work calls his house to check on his wife

A little girl picks up the phone.

"Hi honey, can you put your mom on the phone?"

"I can't, she's upstairs with Uncle Steve.""But you don't have an Uncle Steve."

"Yes I do. He's upstairs with mommy in the bedroom."

Getting angry, the guy keeps his voice cal...

What did the monitor say when it gets hurt

Oww that Hertz

Two cavemen are waiting at the doctor's office

The first says, "Me name Phil. Me get bee sting. Why you here?"

The second one, covered in blood, smiles and says, "Me name Mike. Me get hit by boulder during rock slide."

The first says, "That must hurt! Why you look so happy?"

The second says, "Me celebrating. It's Mike Ache D...

Hey girl, did it hurt when you fell from heaven?

Because it looks like you landed on your face.

Just hurt my wrists digging a hole between two koi ponds.

I think it's carpal tunnel.

This morning my son said his ear hurt and I asked on the inside or outside..

He walks out the front door, comes back in and says both. I wonder if me saving for university is just too much.

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They told me that you couldn't hurt yourself whilst masterbating.

But I managed to pull it off

Farmer Joe decided his injuries from the accident were serious enough to take the trucking company responsible for the accident to court. In court the trucking company's fancy lawyer was questioning farmer Joe. "Didn't you say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine,'" asked the lawyer.

Farmer Joe responded, "Well. I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favourite donkey Bessie into the... "I didn't ask for any details," the lawyer interrupted, "just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine!'". Farmer Joe said, "Well, I had just got Be...

Why does the sun not hurt a lamp's eyes?

Because they are always wearing shades! (Sorry if repost)

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A masochist is someone who yells, "Beat me! Hurt me!"

A sadist is someone who replies, "Noooooo......"

Today I wrote my first fully original joke. It's bad.

So there was once this one giant who had magic powers. So the giant being so tall and heavy was afraid of storing things on the floor because he would sometimes step on them and break them without realizing it.

After enough times of that happening he decided he would use his magic to just ma...

I have a compulsion to hurt myself with lumpy potatoes.

I think I'm a mashochist.

A rabbi and a priest get into a car accident and it's a bad one

Both cars are totally demolished, but, amazingly, neither of the clerics is hurt. After they crawl out of their cars, the rabbi sees the priest's collar and says, "So you're a priest. I'm a rabbi. Just look at our cars. There's nothing left, but we are unhurt. This must be a sign from God. God must ...

A woman’s garden is growing beautifully but the tomatoes won’t ripen. She goes to her neighbor and says, ”Your tomatoes are ripe, mine are green. What can I do about it?”

Her neighbor replies, ”Well, it may sound absurd but here’s what to do. Tonight there’s no moon. After dark go out into your garden and take all your clothes off. Tomatoes can see in the dark and they’ll be embarrassed and blush. In the morning they’ll all be red, you’ll see.”

She says Well, ...

I had a rectal exam today and it hurt like hell! I told the doctor to take off his ring before insertion.

He said, "Ring? That's my watch!"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My girlfriend wanted me to give her 9 inches and make it hurt.

So I fucked her three times then slapped her.

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It was the first night for a newlywed couple. The bride was still a virgin because she heard how much sex can hurt if a man has a large dick.

To make his bride feel at ease, the groom said to her, "OK, I am going to go outside and slowly show you my dick through the door. Stay calm, there is nothing to be afraid of".

So he walked out, leaving the door slightly ajar and then stuck a little bit of his dick through the gap and asked, ...

Since vampires are hurt by holy water, I always wondered why Priests don’t bless storm clouds and kill them from above. Then I realized why most vampires live in Europe

Someone already blessed the rains down in Africa

A young blonde fears that her boyfriend is seeing another girl... One day, the girl is visiting her boyfriend's apartment for lunch and stumbles across another woman's discarded garments on his bedroom floor.

After sitting coolly through the meal, avoiding eye contact, she quietly excuses herself without explanation. She is incredibly hurt, and on her way home finds herself in a local gun shop, purchasing a handgun. The next day she awakens with renewed vengeance for her lover's betrayal. She dresses and...

I tried looking for some hurtful words in the dictionary.

I'm not reading it again until it apologizes.

Dear Dad

A father passing by his son's bedroom was astonished to see the bed was nicely made and everything was picked up. Then, he saw an envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow. It was addressed, 'Dad'. With the worst premonition, he opened the envelope and read the letter, with trembling hands. ...

What’s yellow and hurts when it gets in your eye?

A bulldozer.

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"You've never moved like that before"

A couple were in the bathroom getting ready for work when the husband looked at his wife and got turned on,
"I gotta have you!"

He backed her up against the bathroom door, pulled down her panties, and ravaged her. He knew he was doing great because she screamed and wiggled more than she ...

I went to grab some cheddar cheese and hurt myself

It was too sharp

What did G say when it hurt H's feelings?

H, I J/K

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A man comes running to the doctors one day.

"Doctor doctor my ass hurts like hell and I think it's bleeding" the man says, The doctor says "well what happen". The man starts talking and saying how he was taking a shit and it wouldn't come out so I pushed and pushed and pop it came out and in that time I jumped up and shouted ahh my ass and I ...

NSFW The wife wanted to try masochism. "Hurt Me!" she said, as she stripped and lay down on the bed.

The husband said "Okay, You're a terrible cook, and your sister's a better lay"

The Doctor asks the patient: "Does your head hurt?"

Patient: "Yes it does, doctor."

Doctor: "Good, now are we vaccinating your child, or do I have to slap you again?"

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In breaking news, Trump’s personal library has burned down.

The fire consumed both books and in a tragic twist, he hadn’t even finished coloring the second one.





Edit: Wow! Thank you for all of the awards, I didn't anticipate that. Some people need to relax though. This is just a freakin' joke, not the agenda of a movement.

Also,...

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My wife told me I had a small penis, so I said it was big enough to hurt her.

"There isn't a woman in the world that would be hurt by that thing." She said.

I then showed her a video of me fucking her sister.

I’ve just had my vaccine, but they administered it in my leg

My Pfizer hurting

True Story: My wife took my 15 year old daughter to get her 1st...

Pfizer vaccination on Friday night at a local CVS. The place was packed and there was an older couple there thanking everyone for getting vaccinated. When my wife and daughter got home they were telling me about how packed it was. My daughter mentioned the older couple and said that when they tha...

What does an alligator drink when hurt?

Gator-Aid.

A man hurt himself while trying to chop wood

I guess you could say he had an axe-ident.

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Doctor, my butt hurt, what can I do?

-where specifically?

-it's in the entrance

-look ma'am, that's an exit, as long as you keep calling it and entrance it's gonna keep hurting

Drinking coffee used to make my eyes hurt a little.

Then I learned you're supposed to remove the spoon from the mug first.

Engineers gonna engineer

A scientist, a mathematician, and an engineer end up stranded on a small island inhabited by some very reclusive locals. They find themselves in jail the next day for breaking some obscure law that nobody can really explain.

They're sentenced to death. Not that their "crime" was all that sev...

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A man was reading a newspaper

when his son suddenly barged into the living room. He was all sweaty and out of breath, but had a big smile on his face. “Dad!” exclaimed his son, “I just lost my virginity!” The man put down his newspaper and looked at his son proudly. The young man standing before him reminded him of his youth, wh...

Link: when I get hurt I lose hearts

**Sonic:** when I get hurt I drop rings

**Mario: *[self conscious about his height]*:** can-a we talk about-a something else-a?

A Russian joke my grandmother once told me. I hope it works in English.

A man sits at the deathbed of his mother-in-law.
She suffers very much and cries in agony:
"Oh I'm dying!" "It hurts" "I'm gonna die soon"
She stops for a seconds and says:
"Well at least the weather is nice today"

The man says: "hey dear, don't get distracted!"

A man comes running to the doctor shouting and screaming in pain. "Please doctor you've got to help me. I've been stung by a bee."

"Don't worry;" says the doctor, "I'll put some cream on it."

"You will never find that bee. It must be miles away by now."

"No, you don't understand!" answers the doctor, "I'll put some cream on the place you were stung."

"Oh! It happened in the garden in back of my house."
<...

A photographer was badly hurt this morning when a huge block of cheese fell on him.

Everyone posing for the wedding party picture had tried to warn him.

"I can't ever see you again. I won't let you hurt me like this again. Abuse is never OK."

**Trainer:** It was one sit up. You did one sit up.

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I hurt my shoulder using the churner so I stopped immediately...

...it's a little bit butter now

John went to the doctors for a stomach pain that had been bothering him for months.

The doctor quickly identified the problem and prescribed some painkillers to alleviate the symptoms. But he explained:
"They're suppositories, so need to be taken rectally. I'll do the first one for you, so you know how."
So John bends forward and the doctor inserts the first suppository. It's...

I got hurt while performing a surgery on a bee.

It was a sting operation.

Falling to the ground, my wife cried out, "Help me honey! I think I've really hurt my knee!" I ran towards her and shouted…

"Are Eenie, Meenie and Mo ok!?"

As I was driving underground with strangers, my wrist began to hurt

It must be carpool tunnel syndrome

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The Curious Wife

"Honey," asked the wife. "What would you do if I died?"

"Why dear, I would be extremely upset," said the husband. "Why do you ask such a question?"

"Would you remarry?" persevered the wife.

"No, of course not, dear" said the husband.

"Don't you like being married?" asked ...

Where do people injured playing competitive peek-a-boo go when they're hurt?

The ICU

A man goes to the doctor complaining that that every part of his body hurts.

The doctors tells the man to show him where it hurts. The man points to his elbow, and says "ow!", then he points to his legs and exlaims "ow!", and then he points to his stomach and so forth until he has pointed to all parts of his body saying that they all hurt.

The doctor determines that ...

Dentist: “This is going to hurt a little"

Patient: “ OK "

Dentist: “I’ve been having an affair with your wife for a while now.”

Doctor, it hurts...

Says the patient with so much pain.

Patient: It hurts when I touch my head.
Doctor: \*Takes a look at the head\*, \*Does MRI\* Well, what else?

Patient: It hurts when I touch my shoulders.

Doctor: \*Takes shoulder x-ray\* Hmmm, is there anything else?

Patient: It hur...

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My therapist said I should identify the people in my life that have hurt me, write letters to them explaining what they did and then burn them.

I feel so much better but I don't know what to do with all these letters.

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A masochist walks out onto the street, screaming "Please, hurt me, please!"

As he tears his shirt and wails out, a crowd gathers around him, until finally, a sadist steps forward.

Once more, the man screams to him, pleading "Please, hurt me, I need it!"

To which, the sadist walks around him in a circle, smirks at him, and says "No".

All credit to my o...

"Dude how did you hurt your face so bad?"

"See that tree over there?"

"Yeah"

"Well, I didn't"

To all the people in Madrid that are hurting...

I feel your Spain.

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LEGO bricks are like boobs...

...They're designed for kids, but it's the grown-ups who have more fun with them. Oh, and it hurts when someone steps on them.

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My stomach hurts, but if it's guilt or impacted stool, I can't tell.

Either way, I'm so full of shit.

Did you here about my Russian friend?

Vladislav?
Baby don't hurt me, don't hurt me no more.

So did it hurt when you fell?

Her: from heaven?..

No. When you fell face first, right there at the entrance. I saw. Everyone saw.

Where do you take someone that got hurt playing peek a boo?

To the I.C.U

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I've been hurt a lot...

But I've learned not to text while walking. I keep bumping into shit.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Women will keep going back to the same man that hurt them

but will never go back to the hairdresser that fucked up their hair style that one time

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My friend Bob hurt his back and asked me to go upstairs and get his slippers....

When I get up there, I see his wife and his sister naked laying in bed. I tell them,

"Bob told me to come up here and fuck both of you."

"No way did Bob say that!" they exclaimed.

I yelled down the stairs, "Bob! both of them or just one?!"

"Well what good is fuckin one o...

Doc, every part of my body hurts:

Me: “I touch my head it hurts.

I touch my stomach it hurrs

I touch my leg it hurts

I touch my eye it hurts

I touch my neck it hurts.

What is wrong with me?”

Doc: “You have a broken finger”

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Hurts all over

Patient: “Doc, it hurts when I touch my knee, it hurts when I touch my cheek, it hurts when I touch my ear ..” doctor examines him, then says: "You’ve got sprained finger, you fucking moron.”

Normal back: hurts, backstreet back:

Alright

My back has been hurting for a while now...

But I don't mind, it's spine.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man goes to Gandhi and asks him "Why don't you take revenge of those that hurt you?"

Gandhi smiles and calmly says"Look at me, even If I want to, do I look like I fucking can?!"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Back when Pope John Paul II died, the Vatican College of Cardinals were faced with the responsibility of choosing a new pope for the Catholic Church...

... At first, they favored a British Cardinal by the name of Cardinal Nigel Mason.

Card. Mason had been a pilot in WWII, fighting Germany's Luftwaffe. He was decorated for his service, during which he shot down 12 Nazi fighter planes.

He himself was finally shot down and made a rough l...

Video games never made me angry or want to hurt people.

Working in customer service already did that.

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"I'm almost afraid to have sex with you, I think it might hurt."

"I'm almost afraid to have sex with you, I think it might hurt." said my new girlfriend.

"Why's that, love. You afraid of a big cock?" I asked smiling as I took a drink.

"No, because it just took you 6 minutes to put the straw in the hole of your Capri-Sun juice pouch." she rep...

I went to the doctor and said: My back hurts in three places...

He said: Don’t go to those places

My dad just got a tall new grill and I’m worried he’ll get hurt trying to use it.

The steaks have never been higher.

He couldn't hurt a fly

Honestly, you should choose a different exterminator.

Blonde dyes her hair brown, because she's tired of all the blonde jokes

this blonde girl dies her hair brown because she's tired of all the jokes she decides to take a ride one day in her convertible. She's got the top down and she's cruising up an Old country road.And comes across this sheep herder. So she stops and pokes her head over the convertible and says excuse m...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I recently started learning Morse code, but it's really hurting my sleep schedule

FUCK U TOO RAIN

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

All my life, my parents have told me not to open the basement door, but I got curious and disobeyed them.

What is that glowing ball in the sky and why does it hurt my eyes?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Old Buddy Hackett Joke:

A very young amorous couple were walking through a cemetary and feeling frisky . So the woman lay down on a grave marker and they made love. A week later the woman's back is still hurting her , so she sees a doctor. The doctor tells her to disrobe, then tells her to turn around to examine her bac...

An engineer accidentally gave a medical school exam. See his answers:

1. Antibody - One who hates his body .

2. Artery - Study of Fine Paintings or military, not sure.

3. Bacteria - Back door of a Cafeteria .

4. Coma - Punctuation Mark .

5. Gall Bladder - Bladder of a Girl .

6. Genes - Blue Denim.

7. Labour Pain - Hurt at Work...

Whenever I get very angry or if I hurt my self, I shout out the sounds of migratory birds...

...which usually leaves me apologizing to someone for using fowl language.

Adam, the first human, walks into a comedy club. He hears a funny joke and totally splits a rib…

Now his chest hurts and he has to drive Eve home.



(An original, by yours truly.)

An Irish housewife is at home, being a homemaker, while her husband is away working at the Guinness factory

When she hears a knock on the door.

Upon answering the door, she sees it is two of her husband’s friends and co-workers.

“Mary,” says the first co-worker, “I’m afraid we have some terrible news. You see, there was an accident at the factory today, and your husband fell into a vat of th...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Masochist asks a Sadist to Continue Hurting Him

A true sadist says "No!"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Once there was a man with a 15 inch penis.

He absolutely hated it, because it was too big for any woman to handle. Every time he tried to have sex, he ended up accidentally hurting his partner.

One day he went to the witch at the edge of town and asked her to help him make it smaller. "I cannot do that," said the witch, "But I do know...

"Babe is it in?" "Yea." "Does it hurt?" "Uh huh." "Let me put it in slowly." "It still hurts."

"Okay, let's try another shoe size."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Whoever said sticks and stones may break my bones but words can never hurt me

He obviously never been smacked in the balls with a concise Oxford English Dictionary.

I have a bike with no seat. It hurts to ride, and no one wants to buy it because it has no seat. So I'm stuck riding this bike.

It's a vicious cycle.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My wife and I were taking a shower together and she dropped the soap.

Now she’s all butt hurt about it.

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