UPJOKE
woundpaindamagestingsufferinjureharmburnacheanguishtortureinjurydetrimenttormentbruise

One day, Pete complained to his friend, “My head really hurts. I guess I should see a doctor.”

His friend said, “Don’t do that. There’s a computer at the drug store that can diagnose anything quicker and cheaper than a doctor. Simply tell it the problem, put in a sample of your urine, and the computer will diagnose it and tell you what you can do about the issue you’re having. It only costs $...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What hurts the worst?

A very pregnant woman walks into a bar with her girlfriends and orders a diet coke. "Did you know that childbirth isn't nearly as painful as it is for a man to get kicked in the balls?" the bartender asks the woman. "What?" The woman exclaims. "How can you say that? You have no idea how much pain a ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

How did the man remove the Swiss Army knife from his rectum safely without hurting himself?

Please answer soon it’s starting to hurt

It hurts me to say this…

I have a sore throat.

I wanna tell my girlfriend she's using way too much teeth when she goes down on me, but I don't want to hurt her feelings.

How do I soften the blow?

I know a person who jumped through a window without getting hurt.

They said it was paneless.

What do pigs use when they get hurt?

Oink-ment

(My 7 year old made this up and wanted me to share!)

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

"Doc, my butt hurts"

"Where specifically does it hurt?"

"Right around the entrance"

"Yeah well that's the exit. As long as you think it's an entrance, it'll continue to hurt"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A women goes to the doctor because her butt hurts...

Doctor: " Where does it hurt exactly?"

Women: " At the entrance."

Doctor: "Well lady if you keep calling it an entrance then it's going to keep hurting"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

They say you cannot hurt yourself whilst masterbating

But I managed to pull it off

Doctor : Does it hurt?

Mother : Yes, a lot.

Doctor : So are we vaccinating the baby, or should I slap you again?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

During sex, my girlfriend yelled Hurt me! Hurt me!

So I said, “it’s a real shame Fluffy got run over by that car”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Does it hurt anymore?

A woman playing Golf hit a man nearby. He put his hands together between his legs. Fell on the ground & rolled around in pain. She rushed to him & offered to relieve his pain as she was a Doctor.
Reluctantly he agreed.
She gently took his hands away. Unzipped his pants & put her ha...

"Did it hurt?"

"What?"

"When you fell from heaven?"

"Did you just call me Satan?"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

“Hurt me”. Said the masochist.

“No”. Replied the sadist.

I saw this poor old lady fall down the stairs and hurt herself.

I assume she was poor because I didn’t find more than $1.50 in her wallet.

What do you call a gator who's gotten hurt?

An ow-igator

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A mans hurt real bad.

A man is lying in bed in the hospital with an oxygen mask over his mouth. A young nurse appears to sponge his hands and feet.

"Nurse," he mumbles from behind the mask, "Are my testicles black?" Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, I'm only here to wash your hands and feet"....

What’s yellow and hurts if you get it in you eye?

A bulldozer

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My therapist said I should identify the people in my life that have hurt me, write letters to them explaining what they did and then burn them.

I feel so much better but I don't know what to do with all these letters.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

This is a joke don't get butt hurt

A Beer is always wet, a woman is not..1 point for beer!

Beer is horrible, when it is hot..1 point for women!

A cold beer satisfies you..1 point for beer!

For a beer, you pay taxes..1 point for women!

If you take a second beer, the first one doesn't get angry..1 point ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

If your eyes hurt after drinking coffee

Then take the spoon out of the cup dickhead

Dentist: This will hurt.

Patient: OK.

Dentist: I've been having an affair with your wife since last year.

A man went to visit his doctor because his arm is hurting.

"Doc, my arm hurts bad. Can you check it out please?" the man pleads.

The doctor rolls up the man's sleeve and suddenly hears the arm talk.

"Hello, Doctor," says the arm. "Could you lend me twenty bucks please? I'm desperate!"

"Aha!'' says the doctor. ''I see the problem. You...

I told my dad my neck hurt cause I slept wrong

He said the only thing you do, you can’t do right?

"Hurt me!" she cried, jumping onto the bed and stripping her clothes off seductively...

"Alright," I said. "You're a terrible cook and I fancy your sister."

Logic hurts.....

\*Wife:\* I have a bag full of used clothing I’d like to donate.
\*Husband:\* Why not just throw it in the trash? That's much easier.
\*Wife:\* But there are poor starving people who can really use all these clothes.
\*Husband:\* Honey, anyone who fits into your clothing is not starvi...

A gingerbread man went to the doctor because his knee hurt...

The doctor told him to ice it...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

If your asshole hurts and doctors are unable to identify the reason, you definitely need...

An Analyst.

Video games never made me angry or want to hurt people.

Working in customer service already did that.

Pulled out a couple of nose hairs to see if it hurts.

Judging by the reaction of the man asleep next to me on the train, it seems fcuking painful.

Since vampires are hurt by holy water, I always wondered why Priests don’t bless storm clouds and kill them from above. Then I realized why most vampires live in Europe

Someone already blessed the rains down in Africa

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

“If you don’t do it you might regret it” said the heart. “But you might get hurt” spoke the brain. “We think you should go for it” said the guts

“Just what the HELL was that?!?” protested the anus.

A man was hurt when a mockingbird attacked him.

He survived with only Myna injuries.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why does throat hurt after giving a blowjob?

Nut allergy.

A redhead goes in to see her doctor complaining that she hurt all over...

"Well can you tell me where you hurt?"the doctor asks.
She points to her elbow and says,"Right here.Ouch"
The doctor replies,"Anywhere else?"
She points to her knee and says, "Right here.Ouucchh!"
The doctor again asks,"Anywhere else?"
"Yeah right here in the back of my neck. Ooouuucc...

Thankfully no one was hurt

A man and a woman get in a terrible car wreck.

Both of their vehicles were completely destroyed, but fortunately, no one was hurt.

Thankful, the woman says to the man in a flirting tone,

"We're both okay, we should celebrate."

So the woman gets a bottle of wine out of...

So you know how things hurt less when you swear?

I call it Ibuprofanity

If words hurt

Then a picture must be a death sentence.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I hurt my ass on the farm.

Couldn't decide whether to go to a vet or a proctologist.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

a girl on facebook just said "letting everything out hurts"

so i commented " yeah im takin a shit too"

A tub of margarine fell on my foot three weeks ago and it still hurts.

I can't believe it's not better.

Doctor: Did it hurt? Patient: Yes, a lot.

Doctor: So are you going to take the vaccine, or should I punch you in the face again?

It hurt to send my woodchucks off to the convent

But when they come back, I'll have a badass pair of nun chucks

How can online retailers hurt Russia?

Suspending delivery of Adidas Tracksuit.

Mickey Mouse "Doc, my knees hurt!"

Doctor: Which knee?

Mickey: Disney

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

"Doctor Doctor! My butt hurts!"

"Doctor Doctor! My butt hurts!"
"Well, let's have a look at i\-that's weird." Says the doctor as the man bend's over. "What is it?" "You have a rolled up $20 bill sticking out of your butt." "Well, pull it out!" The doctor does. "Umm, now there's a rolled up $10 bill sticking out of your butt."...

What do you call it when Batman gets hurt?

Bruised Wayne

Little Johnny hurt his finger in school

He called out to his teacher: "Ouch, I've hurt my finger! I need some cider". The teacher answered "why do you need cider?" And little Johnny replied "Because everytime my big sister gets a prick in her hand, she sticks it in cider".

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man tells his friends his elbow hurts...

He says that nothing he's tried has worked, so his friend suggests that go to the pharmacy.

"They got this new machine! When you pour in a urine sample and it'll tell you what's wrong and how to fix it!"

So, following his advice, he finds this machine and pours his urine sample in. Fi...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

If you punch your own balls and it hurts, does that make you strong or weak?

Stupid, it makes you stupid

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Doctor, my elbow hurts a lot.

A man comes to the doctor
- Doctor, my elbow hurts a lot.
- Please bring urine for analysis tomorrow.
The man got angry, because what has urine analysis got to do with the pain in his elbow. He decided to mock the doctor and poured his urine, his daughter's urine, his wife's urine int...

In which European country it hurts more to be hit?

The Netherlands

The dentist said "This might hurt a bit...are you ready?"

The patient said "Yes I'm ready"

The dentist said "I slept with your wife"

I used to think that sticks and stones could break my bones but words could never hurt me

Then I fell into a printing press.

\-Milton Jones

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My body hurts as if I had been having sex all night long

But that "as if" is what hurts the most

If it hurts when you pee...

Urine trouble.

Dentist: "This is going to hurt a bit. Ready?"

Me, shutting my eyes, dreading this moment: "Yes, ready."

Dentist: "That will be $700 please."

What is the best way to hurt someone with words?

Hit him with a dictionary.

What did the musician get after hurting himself?

A-minor injury

I didn't want to hurt myself, but it was a particularly gloomy rainy day. I wasn't in the best of mood lately. My hands were full of blood now, and yet I still had this itching urge to hurt, to kill...

those damned mosquitoes.

Doctor, it hurts...

Says the patient with so much pain.

Patient: It hurts when I touch my head.
Doctor: \*Takes a look at the head\*, \*Does MRI\* Well, what else?

Patient: It hurts when I touch my shoulders.

Doctor: \*Takes shoulder x-ray\* Hmmm, is there anything else?

Patient: It hur...

Just hurt my wrists digging a hole between two koi ponds.

I think it's carpal tunnel.

Dance like it hurts… love like you need money…

work when people are watching.

How do you identify a female? Easy. They're the only ones that hurt you.

Male mosquitoes on the other hand are basically harmless

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Sometimes it DOES hurt to ask!

An 8 year old and a 6 year old sit down at the kitchen table to await breakfast, the older child has heard people swearing on t.v. and decides he wants to try it. When the mother walks into the kitchen and asks him what he wants for breakfast, he replies, "Can I have some god damn Cheerios?" SMACK! ...

Vincent, did it hurt when you lost you ear?

No, I cut it off in One Gogh.

How bad does it hurt to get a finger cut off?

I'd say about a 9 out of 10

A nobleman said some hurtful things to me while I was buying groceries at half price.

It was a diss count.

A man visits the doctor, telling him, “When I touch my knee, it hurts, when I touch my arm, it hurts, when I touch my nose, it hurts.”

The doctor says, “Well of course that all hurts, your finger is broken!”

Why couldn't the skeleton hurt itself?

Because it didn't have the nerves.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Did it hurt?

When you fell into the toilet you piece of shit.

Did you hear Pedro Pascal hurt his back during The Mandalorian?

It was from carrying the Star Wars franchise

Patient: My wisdom tooth hurt very much!

Dentist: well, they did prepare for decades.

What type of cheese will always hurt your tummy?

OUCHIES!!

I hurt my back in Egypt

It got so bad that I had to visit a cairopractor

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A masochist asks a sadist to hurt him...

...the sadist, smiling, walks away.

Last week, i tripped over my bike and really hurt myself.

So i moved it into another room. But the next day, forgetting i moved it, i tripped again. So i moved it into another room. The next day, again I forgot, and I tripped again. So i moved it. The next day...

It's a vicious cycle.

Hey, did it hurt when you fell from heaven?

Because your face looks smashed in

Got attached by zombies but they didn't hurt me.

Fortunately, they were looking for brains.

So did it hurt when you fell?

Her: from heaven?..

No. When you fell face first, right there at the entrance. I saw. Everyone saw.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I've been hurt a lot...

But I've learned not to text while walking. I keep bumping into shit.

I hurt myself chopping wood

It was a stupid axeident

What does an alligator drink when hurt?

Gator-Aid.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A masochist walks out onto the street, screaming "Please, hurt me, please!"

As he tears his shirt and wails out, a crowd gathers around him, until finally, a sadist steps forward.

Once more, the man screams to him, pleading "Please, hurt me, I need it!"

To which, the sadist walks around him in a circle, smirks at him, and says "No".

All credit to my o...

Why did the Satanic cults’ feet hurt?

They sold their soles to the devil.

He couldn't hurt a fly

Honestly, you should choose a different exterminator.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Hurts all over

Patient: “Doc, it hurts when I touch my knee, it hurts when I touch my cheek, it hurts when I touch my ear ..” doctor examines him, then says: "You’ve got sprained finger, you fucking moron.”

Where do you take someone that got hurt playing peek a boo?

To the I.C.U

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Doctor Doctor. My butt hurts!

'Alright, let's take a look at it.' Says the doctor.
The man drops his pants and the doctor inspects his butt.
'Do you know you've got a rolled up $20 sticking out of your butt?' Asks the doctor.
'I do? Well pull it out!' Says the man and the doctor does.
'Oh my God,' Says the doctor, 'I...

If someone hurts or offends me, I always ask myself "What would God do?"

I've been planning a Omnicide for years.

Did you hear how the zombie bodybuilder hurt his back?

He was dead lifting

Confucius say: Man who hurts another gets charged with battery.

Man who kills another gets charged with electricity.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Masturbation hurts.

Signed, Edward Scissorhands

Why do bullets hurt people?

They're upset after having just been fired.

I went to grab some cheddar cheese and hurt myself

It was too sharp

What is grey and hurts if it flies in your eye?

A Boeing F/A-18E/F Super Hornet

"Babe is it in?" "Yea." "Does it hurt?" "Uh huh." "Let me put it in slowly." "It still hurts."

"Okay, let's try another shoe size."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My wife told me I had a small penis, so I said it was big enough to hurt her.

"There isn't a woman in the world that would be hurt by that thing." She said.

I then showed her a video of me fucking her sister.

A man hurt himself while trying to chop wood

I guess you could say he had an axe-ident.

Why did the hipster's stomach hurt?

He had indie-gestion.

Which hurts worse: a kick in the nuts, or having a baby?

This has been a debate over the ages: which hurts worse, getting a swift kick to the nuts or birthing a child. It's kind of hard to say since men and women are quite different creatures, but I have noticed something. If a woman goes through childbirth, sometimes a year or so later, she'll ask to hav...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Doctor, my butt hurt, what can I do?

-where specifically?

-it's in the entrance

-look ma'am, that's an exit, as long as you keep calling it and entrance it's gonna keep hurting

Why did the hipster's mouth hurt?

Because he ate pizza before it was cool.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A masochist is someone who yells, "Beat me! Hurt me!"

A sadist is someone who replies, "Noooooo......"

What did G say when it hurt H's feelings?

H, I J/K

What did the monitor say when it gets hurt

Oww that Hertz

My friend Doug shocked and hurt me.

He told me today that I make people very uncomfortable and have no respect for personal space. I mean, what a horrible thing to say to a friend? It totally ruined our bath.

Normal back: hurts, backstreet back:

Alright

I have a compulsion to hurt myself with lumpy potatoes.

I think I'm a mashochist.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I hurt my shoulder using the churner so I stopped immediately...

...it's a little bit butter now

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.