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My dentist told me "This might hurt a little bit. Are you ready?"

I said "Yes, I'm ready."

He said "I'm sleeping with your wife."

What’s yellow and hurts if you get it in you eye?

A bulldozer

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They say you cannot hurt yourself whilst masterbating

But I managed to pull it off

Pulled out a couple of nose hairs to see if it hurts.

Judging by the reaction of the man asleep next to me on the train, it seems fcuking painful.

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The masochist said to the sadist, "Hurt Me."

The sadist replied back, "No."

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Doctor, my elbow hurts a lot.

A man comes to the doctor
- Doctor, my elbow hurts a lot.
- Please bring urine for analysis tomorrow.
The man got angry, because what has urine analysis got to do with the pain in his elbow. He decided to mock the doctor and poured his urine, his daughter's urine, his wife's urine int...

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A man tells his friends his elbow hurts...

He says that nothing he's tried has worked, so his friend suggests that go to the pharmacy.

"They got this new machine! When you pour in a urine sample and it'll tell you what's wrong and how to fix it!"

So, following his advice, he finds this machine and pours his urine sample in. Fi...

What did the musician get after hurting himself?

A-minor injury

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“If you don’t do it you might regret it” said the heart. “But you might get hurt” spoke the brain. “We think you should go for it” said the guts

“Just what the HELL was that?!?” protested the anus.

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This is a joke don't get butt hurt

A Beer is always wet, a woman is not..1 point for beer!

Beer is horrible, when it is hot..1 point for women!

A cold beer satisfies you..1 point for beer!

For a beer, you pay taxes..1 point for women!

If you take a second beer, the first one doesn't get angry..1 point ...

One day, Pete complained to his friend, “My head really hurts. I guess I should see a doctor.”

His friend said, “Don’t do that. There’s a computer at the drug store that can diagnose anything quicker and cheaper than a doctor. Simply tell it the problem, put in a sample of your urine, and the computer will diagnose it and tell you what you can do about the issue you’re having. It only costs $...

I used to believe that sticks and stones could break my bones, but words could never hurt me.

But then I got smacked with a dictionary.

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I hurt my ass on the farm.

Couldn't decide whether to go to a vet or a proctologist.

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My butt really hurts and I keep trying to get peoples attention but no one will listen.

I think I have Ahemorrhoids

Some of my friends are really hurtful. I feel like many of them don't understand the meaning of the word "commitment".

I've invited them to four of my weddings in the past two years and they haven't attended any of them.

How can online retailers hurt Russia?

Suspending delivery of Adidas Tracksuit.

Doc, it hurts when I walk like this...

Well, then don't walk like this.


It's a lame joke

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Guy goes to the doctor for a pain in his ass

Tells the doctor "doc ive got some pain right by the entrance of my asshole"

Doc replies: "long as u call it an entrance its gonna hurt"

Jimmy goes to the doctor and says, "Doctor, wherever I touch, it hurts."



The doctor asks, "What do you mean?"
Jimmy says, "When I touch my shoulder, it really hurts. When I touch my knee it hurts! When I touch my forehead, it really, really hurts."

Jimmy was diagnosed with a broken index finger later that day.

So was at a bar last night and saw this fat chick wearing a shirt that said, "Caution, I'm a maneater". I walked up to the girl and timidly said, "Excuse me, Miss...about your shirt."

She interrupted me before I could continue and furiously shouted, "Oh let me guess, you're here to make a comment about how I'm so fat and how I actually eat men. I can't help my weight you know. I have feelings too and your comments can really hurt."

I looked at her, confused and said,"That'...

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Joe rented an apartment and went to the lobby to put his name on his mailbox

While there, an attractive young lady came out of the apartment next to the mailboxes wearing a robe.

Joe smiled at the young woman and she started a conversation with him. As they talked, her robe slipped open, and it was obvious that she had nothing else on. Poor Joe broke out into a sweat...

If it hurts when you pee...

Urine trouble.

Little Johnny hurt his finger in school

He called out to his teacher: "Ouch, I've hurt my finger! I need some cider". The teacher answered "why do you need cider?" And little Johnny replied "Because everytime my big sister gets a prick in her hand, she sticks it in cider".

If someone hurts or offends me, I always ask myself "What would God do?"

I've been planning a Omnicide for years.

So you know how things hurt less when you swear?

I call it Ibuprofanity

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At the Pearly Gates, St. Peter announces that due to overcrowding, only extremely gruesome deaths will be admitted into heaven today, sorry for any inconvenience

The first man comes up and Pete says, "How did you die?"

"Well, I's been suspicious that me wife been cheating on me, so I comes home early from work today to catch her, I does. She acts all innocent, she does. She says, 'Go ahead, search the apartment if that will make you feel better,' she ...

I know a person who jumped through a window without getting hurt.

They said it was paneless.

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An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar

An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar

   The first mathematician orders a beer 

The second orders half a beer 

"I don't serve half-beers" the bartender replies 

"Excuse me?" Asks mathematician #2 

"What kind of bar serves half-beers?" The bartender r...

I didn't want to hurt myself, but it was a particularly gloomy rainy day. I wasn't in the best of mood lately. My hands were full of blood now, and yet I still had this itching urge to hurt, to kill...

those damned mosquitoes.

I wanna tell my girlfriend she's using way too much teeth when she goes down on me, but I don't want to hurt her feelings.

How do I soften the blow?

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Did you hear about the eskimo whose ass started to hurt after sitting for too long?

He got polaroids

Patient: My wisdom tooth hurt very much!

Dentist: well, they did prepare for decades.

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It was time for Father John's Saturday night bath and the young nun, Sister Magdalene, had prepared the bath water and towels just the way the old nun had instructed.

Sister Magdalene was also instructed not to look at Father John's nakedness if she could help it, do whatever he told her to do, and pray.

The next morning the old nun asked Sister Magdalene how the Saturday night bath had gone.

'Oh, sister,' said the young nun dreamily, ‘I've been sav...

A working man would come home after a week of hard work, so his wife thought that she could suprise him with a mighty dinner

So she gutted a chicken and threw it's intestines in the toilet. When the husband came home they had a great dinner and ate themselves full. After the dinner the husband stood up and said "excuse me, I need to go to the toilet" after a while the husband came back pale white a soaked with sweat. The ...

A blonde was taking helicopter lessons.

The instructor said, "I would radio you every 1,000 feet to see how you are doing."

At 1,000 feet, the instructor radioed her to tell she was doing great.

At 2,000 feet, the instructor radioed her to tell her again, she was doing great.

As the helicopter got to 3,000 feet, the ...

Mickley Mouse: "My knee hurts!"

Doctor: "Which knee?"

Mickey: "Disney."

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I went to the doctors yesterday.

Me: I've hurt my penis in a surfing accident.

Doctor: Did you fall off your board?

Me: No I slammed my laptop shut when the Wife walked in.

Since vampires are hurt by holy water, I always wondered why Priests don’t bless storm clouds and kill them from above. Then I realized why most vampires live in Europe

Someone already blessed the rains down in Africa

Doctor: Did it hurt? Patient: Yes, a lot.

Doctor: So are you going to take the vaccine, or should I punch you in the face again?

It hurts me to say this...

I have a sore throat

Dentist: "This is going to hurt a bit. Ready?"

Me, shutting my eyes, dreading this moment: "Yes, ready."

Dentist: "That will be $700 please."

Vincent, did it hurt when you lost you ear?

No, I cut it off in One Gogh.

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A woman visited an Amazonian tribe on a research trip...

She spent several days taking notes on the lifestyle and habits of the tribe and interviewing their ruler, King Paolo, via an interpreter. As the tribe's land was near several rich gold mines, the king and his people were extremely wealthy.

During the woman's time with him, the king fell hope...

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Mickey Mouse finds out his wife is cheating, and files for divorce.

He comes home from work one day and says: "Honey, I'm hooooome!"
Thereafter no response. That's weird. He thinks to himself.
He goes about his business, and begins putting his things away when he hears a sound. It's his bead creaking coming from upstairs in his bedroom.
Someone is in my ro...

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Dear Diary,

Dear Diary,

For my fortieth birthday this year, my wife (the dear) purchased a week of personal training at the local health club for me.

Although I am still in great shape since playing football 24 yrs ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a try.

Called...

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Had COVID symptoms so I went to the pharmacy to grab something to sooth my throat. It hurt to talk, so I went up to the counter and without saying anything, gestured towards my neck. The Pharmacist paused for a second, looked at me and then said “for cough?”

So I mustered up the strength to grunt “No you fuck off” and went somewhere else.

The Doctor asks the patient: "Does your head hurt?"

Patient: "Yes it does, doctor."

Doctor: "Good, now are we vaccinating your child, or do I have to slap you again?"

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It was the first night for a newlywed couple. The bride was still a virgin because she heard how much sex can hurt if a man has a large dick.

To make his bride feel at ease, the groom said to her, "OK, I am going to go outside and slowly show you my dick through the door. Stay calm, there is nothing to be afraid of".

So he walked out, leaving the door slightly ajar and then stuck a little bit of his dick through the gap and asked, ...

Just hurt my wrists digging a hole between two koi ponds.

I think it's carpal tunnel.

What type of cheese will always hurt your tummy?

OUCHIES!!

I shouldn't make jokes at the expense of my anti-vax neighbours so much...

They tend to get offended by those hurtful little jabs

A man goes to the doctor

He presses gently on his own knee. "Doc, I gotta weird problem. It really hurts when I press here. But that's not all..."

He presses a spot on his forehead. "...It also hurts when I press here."

Then he presses his opposite elbow. "AND it hurts when I press here. What's wrong with me?"...

I fell over at work and hurt my arm

I have a build up of fluid in my carpal tunnels. I’ve been to the Physio and he has given me exercises to do, including holding my hand in a certain position but it doesn’t seam to be helping.

The Wrist Cyst Stance is Futile.

Last week, i tripped over my bike and really hurt myself.

So i moved it into another room. But the next day, forgetting i moved it, i tripped again. So i moved it into another room. The next day, again I forgot, and I tripped again. So i moved it. The next day...

It's a vicious cycle.

A Father Notices His Son's Bedroom Is Spotless, Then Finds An Envelope

A father passing by his son's bedroom was astonished to see that his bed was nicely made and everything was picked up. Then he saw an Envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow that was addressed to 'Dad.'

With the worst premonition he opened the envelope with trembling hands and read the...

A man walks into a bar when a nun sees him

"you are just a sad man, the Lord probably doesn't love you because you are a drunk" said the nun

"One beer, I was just going in for ONE beer, also what do you know, maybe drinking is not that bad after all" replied the man

"getting drunk is a sin, drinking little alcohol always lead...

Just came back from visiting another man, he put a long object in my mouth and now my throat hurts badly...

God I hate COVID-19 tests.

What do you call a gator who's gotten hurt?

An ow-igator

Did you hear Pedro Pascal hurt his back during The Mandalorian?

It was from carrying the Star Wars franchise

A tub of margarine fell on my foot three weeks ago and it still hurts.

I can't believe it's not better.

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My therapist said I should identify the people in my life that have hurt me, write letters to them explaining what they did and then burn them.

I feel so much better but I don't know what to do with all these letters.

Confucius say: Man who hurts another gets charged with battery.

Man who kills another gets charged with electricity.

Why is it OK to lie to a dentist?

Because the tooth hurts.

The Old Macaw

A man goes to a pet store looking for a fun pet for his family. There are the typical candidates, kittens, puppies, fish, hamsters, but off in the corner is an old macaw. He asks the owner what the deal is, and the owner replies that the macaw has actually been adopted several times, but he always g...

Got attached by zombies but they didn't hurt me.

Fortunately, they were looking for brains.

What is grey and hurts if it flies in your eye?

A Boeing F/A-18E/F Super Hornet

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Superman is out flying and sees wonder woman naked on a rooftop with her legs wide open and moaning in delight

He thinks to himself that as he is faster than a speeding bullet he can do his business with her and fly off before she knows it. He toys with the idea and decides to go for it. He swoops down fucks her with lightning thrusts and zooms off in a flash. The whole event lasts less than a second. As soo...

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A lady dwarf goes to her gynecologist for her annual check up.

"Any issues or concerns?", asks the Dr.

"Well, now that you mention it, I have noticed that when it rains, my labia gets a bit red and sore."

"That's very unusual", says the Doc, "Hop up on table and let me take a look."

She does, and after a few minutes of checking he says she ...

A man goes to a doctors office, and says “Whenever I touch anywhere on my body, it hurts”

He touches his arm, and screams in agony. He touches his shoulder, and screams in agony. The doctor observes all this and says, “I think you have a broken finger.”

Did you hear how the zombie bodybuilder hurt his back?

He was dead lifting

A blonde walks into a doctor's office, the doctor asks what's wrong and the blonde says "My entire body hurts!"

"Oh?" Said the doctor, "like a whole body ache?"

"No!" said the blonde "like everywhere is searing pain! Here I'll show you!"

The blonde pokes her shoulder "That really hurt!"

She pokes her stomach "That really hurt too!"

She bends down and pokes her knees "Both of those ...

“What does a kangaroo get if it hurts itself really badly?”

“A hop-eration”

Courtesy of my 7yo daughter so be kind!

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My wife told me I had a small penis, so I said it was big enough to hurt her.

"There isn't a woman in the world that would be hurt by that thing." She said.

I then showed her a video of me fucking her sister.

Babe is it in?

W: "Yea."
M: "Does it hurt?"
W: "Uh huh."
M: "Let me put it in slowly."
W: "It still hurts."
M: "Okay, let's try another shoe size."

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A newly married couple bought two sleeping coach cabin tickets in a train. The journey was on a weekday and not that many people buys sleeping coach

tickets for that route. Once they went inside the cabin, they saw no one was around. They smirked at each other meaning they could make love vigorously during the journey as they were alone. But suddenly, breaking their hopes came an old bearded religious man wearing long white robes.
They began...

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4 Blind guys walk into a Bar..

Blind guy 1: "You hear the one about the one eyed prostitute who had and extra foot and only her bottom teeth?"

Blind Guy 2: "Come on buddy, you really think that ones any good? You've got to tell the one about about the Priest who married the the Nun triplets."

Blind Guy 3: " No no no...

A blond goes to the doctors and explains ‘everywhere on my body hurts real bad’ . So the doc says ‘please show me where’. So she’s touches her elbow , ouch ! Touches her knee , oh it hurts , touches her nose , oh my that hurts !

The doctor reply’s , no wonder you are blond .. your finger is broken !!

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a little story

I know the manager of a car dealership who was trying to get a personal car started on and off for years. (Had it sitting in the back of the company workshop)

One night they got broken into and upon looking at the footage it was a group of young people. The cars were gone.

He went stra...

Women can argue for 3 hours straight.

But 2 minutes into a bj and their jaw hurts.

Hey girl, did it hurt when you fell from heaven?

Because it looks like you landed on your face.

"I can't ever see you again. I won't let you hurt me like this again. Abuse is never OK."

**Trainer:** It was one sit up. You did one sit up.

NSFW The wife wanted to try masochism. "Hurt Me!" she said, as she stripped and lay down on the bed.

The husband said "Okay, You're a terrible cook, and your sister's a better lay"

If doom is eternal and halo is infinite then, what is love?

Baby don’t hurt me…

Before and after marriage

**Before**

\- I have waited this day so long!

· Will you leave me?

\- Never!

· Do you love me?

\- Of course, yes!

· Will you ever lie to me?

\- Never!

· Will you kiss me?

\- Whenever I can!

· Will you hurt me?

\- No fool!...

I hurt my back in Egypt

It got so bad that I had to visit a cairopractor

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Stalin is having a shitty day...

One day, Stalin, is in a shitty mood. One thing he loves is to hear praise. He loved it when people spoke highly of him but it loses its luster at gun point. So, one day Stalin wears a disguise, and goes to a local café with the intention of listening to people chat. He sits down with his back to th...

Dentist: “This is going to hurt a little"

Patient: “ OK "

Dentist: “I’ve been having an affair with your wife for a while now.”

Video games never made me angry or want to hurt people.

Working in customer service already did that.

A guy walks into a pharmacy: "I have extreme headaches, my belly cramps, I feel like I'm about to vomit and my back hurts like something tears the muscles apart. Do you have something?"

Pharmacists: Nope, I feel fine!

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A masochist walks out onto the street, screaming "Please, hurt me, please!"

As he tears his shirt and wails out, a crowd gathers around him, until finally, a sadist steps forward.

Once more, the man screams to him, pleading "Please, hurt me, I need it!"

To which, the sadist walks around him in a circle, smirks at him, and says "No".

All credit to my o...

Two builders are working on a scaffold...

...when one of them trips and falls. The other one leans out and yells "JOHN!!! ARE YOU HURT???"

”NOT YEEEEEeeeee...."

Faithful Wife

On the occasion of their 50th Anniversary, a man asked his wife, "Honey, you have been with me through thick and thin, and gave me constant love and support, however I just have to know whether you have actually been faithful to me all this time."

To which the wife replies, "To be honest, I h...

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If your eyes hurt after drinking coffee

Then take the spoon out of the cup dickhead

A man at work calls his house to check on his wife A Little Girl Picks Up The Phone. "Hi honey, can you put your mom on the phone?" "I can't, she's upstairs with Uncle Steve.""But you don't have an Uncle Steve." "Yes I do. He's upstairs with mommy in the bedroom."

Getting angry, the guy keeps his voice calm and says, "Okay honey, this is what I want you to do. Go upstairs and knock on the bedroom door. Tell mommy that my car just pulled into the driveway."

3 minutes pass and the little girl gets on the phone again.

"Daddy, I did what you said an...

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Mother superior tells two new nuns that they have to paint their room without getting any paint on their clothes. One nun suggests to the other, "Hey, let's take all our clothes off, fold them up, and lock the door."

So they do this, and begin painting their room. Soon they hear a knock at the door. They ask, "Who is it?" "Blind man!" The nuns look at each other and one nun says, "He's blind, so he can't see. What could it hurt?" They let him in. The blind man walks in and says, "Hey, nice tits. Where do you wan...

I went to grab some cheddar cheese and hurt myself

It was too sharp

A man comes running to the doctor shouting and screaming in pain. “Please doctor you’ve got to help me. I’ve been stung by a bee.”

"Don't worry;" says the doctor, "I'll put some cream on it."

"You will never find that bee. It must be miles away by now."

"No, you don't understand!" answers the doctor, "I'll put some cream on the place you were stung."

"Oh! It happened in the garden in back of my house."
<...

Where do you take someone that got hurt playing peek a boo?

To the I.C.U

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I hurt my shoulder using the churner so I stopped immediately...

...it's a little bit butter now

What did the monitor say when it gets hurt

Oww that Hertz

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