UPJOKE
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A lady walks into the pro shop to complain about bee stings

A lady walks into the pro shop to complain about bee stings while she is golfing.

The pro asks: “where’d you get stung?”

“Between the first and second hole”, she answers.

The pro replied: “your stance is too wide”.

A young woman was taking golf lessons and had just started playing her first round of golf when she suffered a bee sting

Her pain was so intense that she decided to return to the clubhouse for medical assistance. The golf pro saw her heading back and said, “You are back early, what’s wrong?” “I was stung by a bee!” she said. “Where?” he asked. “Between the first and second hole.” she replied. He nodded and said, “Your...

My girlfriend surprised me when she came home today in a white suit, covered in bee stings and smelling of honey.

She's a keeper.

Why did Republicans get mad when Sting got a facelift?

Because they hate Police reform.

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Man walks into the hospital, all shy and embarrassed. “Please help!, I’ve had sex, it was my first time! now it hurts and it stings! I’m so worried”

He’s put in a private room and the doctor is called to examine the patient, the chart reads, young male, had sex and now his penis hurts. The doctor gets to him, asks his name and proceed to consult him, asking the patient to get naked, the patient obediently gets naked and lets the doctor get to wo...

What did God do when yellow jackets started stinging the other animals?

Plan Bee.

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Bee Sting

An Australian is having sex with his wife, when a bee flies down and stings her on the pussy. He decides to call the Doctor

Bruce: "G'day Doctor, I was having a root with m' missus and a bee comes down and stings her on the pussy.... what shall I do?"

Doctor: "Bummer......"

Br...

Sting was kidnapped last night...

The Police are looking for a lead.

Bee sting

A husband and wife are out playing golf. At the turn, they decide to go in for a drink and bag of chips. The golf pro looks at them and asks, “how’d you hit ‘em?” The woman replies, “good, but I got stung by a bee between the first and second hole.”

The pro looks at her and says, “then your ...

Why does Sting never go to jail?

Because the Police always back him up.

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Ring sting

Paddy says to his wife “my bumhole hurts, what’s wrong with it?” She says “ring sting” and he replies “how the fuck would he know?!”

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A newly married couple visit a doctor.

The doctors asks, "What's the problem?"

Husband replies, "There is a bee stuck in my wife's vagina."

Doctor asks, "How the hell did it get in there??"

Husband, "I'm not sure, but maybe one of the bees, from the beehive right next to our house, happened to get in there, when my w...

A man comes running to the doctor shouting and screaming in pain. “Please doctor you’ve got to help me. I’ve been stung by a bee.”

"Don't worry;" says the doctor, "I'll put some cream on it."

"You will never find that bee. It must be miles away by now."

"No, you don't understand!" answers the doctor, "I'll put some cream on the place you were stung."

"Oh! It happened in the garden in back of my house."
<...

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What kind of Bees produce milk?

There is no creature for which this is more true than the honey bee. Amazingly, queen bees are genetically exactly identical to worker bees. But they’re fed a different diet from worker bees their whole lives, from the time they are tiny larvae, until the day they die. This different meal plan cause...

Bee on the Alert!!! 60,000 Giant bees were recently stolen from a farm in Pennslyvania.

Police have a huge sting operation on their hands.

What can you kill, but still flies back to sting?

A zom-bee!

I don’t have a Police record,

but I do have a Sting CD.

Have you heard about Sting's new business?

He now reposesesses cars in Arizona and lines them up in desert rows.

One day, legendary musician Sting becomes bored of music, and decides to try his luck at day trading.

He does a few online courses and begins trading.

On the first day Sting loses some money, but learns from it, and unpertrubed by the small losses he continues with it. On the second day, Sting loses a bit less, and learns even more. Happy with the results, he decides to sink some more money i...

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What floats like a butterfly and stings like a bee?

Nothing.

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If Mohammed Ali could float like a butterfly and sting like a bee

He would be dead after one punch.

Two cavemen are waiting at the doctor's office

The first says, "Me name Phil. Me get bee sting. Why you here?"

The second one, covered in blood, smiles and says, "Me name Mike. Me get hit by boulder during rock slide."

The first says, "That must hurt! Why you look so happy?"

The second says, "Me celebrating. It's Mike Ache D...

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Dentist: Okay, hold on tight now. This is gonna sting a little bit!

Patient : Okay..

Dentist : I've been fucking your wife for 3 months now.

What is Caveman-Sting's favourite font?

Rock Sans

Why doesn't Sting like BLM?

They want to defund the Police

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NE Patriots owner Robert Kraft was given a plea deal to avoid jail sentencing for a massage parlor prostitution sting

I guess having a good lawyer cums in handy.

What did Sting get in Amsterdam?

A massage in a brothel.

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There's a type of bee that after it stings you, you pass out and it tries to have sex with you.

It's a Cos-Bee.

If it stings when you wee

Urine trouble

What's worse than a bee sting?

Two bee stings

What's worse than two bee stings?

The Holocaust

What's worse than the Holocaust?

Three bee stings

A lady goes to the store to get a hair trimmer for her dog

..as she's browsing a clerk comes along and says "If you're using it on you're underarms, don't spray on deodorant for a few hours it will sting a lot." She says "No it's not for my underarms."

The clerk says "Well if you're doing your legs, don't wear pantyhose for a day, it can irritate you...

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John gets a bee sting on his dick.

He and wife go to the doctor. As the doctor is finishing up, wife takes him to the side and says - can you only give medication for the pain and leave the swelling as it is ?

Did anyone hear that Sting went missing?

Right now The Police have no leads.

A bee, a fly, and a mosquito signed up for a website that sometimes stings, usually stinks, and mostly sucks. What website is this?

BuzzFeed

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What does a prostitute have in common with Sting?

They both stop sucking when The Police are around.

Did you hear about when Sting got a new mobile phone?

He sent out an SMS to the world.

Researchers recently unveiled a device will launch stinging insects at high speeds.

It has beegun.

Wife: "I just got stung by a jellyfish. quick, pee on it!"

Husband: [peeing on jellyfish] "This is for stinging my wife."

Patient: Doctor help me please, every time I drink a cup of coffee I get this intense stinging in my eye.

Doctor: I suggest you remove the spoon before drinking.

Stung

A woman golfer suffers a nasty bee sting and leaves the course to go see her doctor about it. "What happened?" asked the doctor. "I got stung between the first and second hole," replied the lady golfer.

The doctor replied, "You must have an awfully wide stance!"

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Muhammad Ali in 1974: Float like a butterfly, sting like a bee

Floyd Mayweather in 2015: Run like a chicken, hug like a bear

I was pulled over last night and the officer asked me if I had a police record.

I told him “no but I have a couple albums by Sting.

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A farm hand guy and a blond farm girl.

The guy decides to piss in the bushes but sees some bees in the flowers, he pisses on them, and one stings him in the dick. He runs into the house in pain, opens the fridge to find something cold and soothing, settles on a yogurt container and sticks his dick in.

As he's standing there he not...

Ray Manzarek, Ric Ocasek, and Sting were talking about forming a new band after moving on from their previous bands.

They were going to call themselves The Police Car Doors.

Natural causes.

Once upon a time there was an old woman who was sick of her husband, but didn't want to get divorced. She knew he had a severe allergy to insect bites and stings, so she developed a plan.

She asked a friend who had a hive to give her the dead bodies of the insects around the hive. She took t...

Steve and his mother were way behind on their car payments

The repo man had been after them for a while but hadn't successfully gotten the car yet. One day Steve had an idea for a "sting" operation to solve the problem once and for all. Before he left he shouted to his mom that he was taking the car, but she was in the bathroom and couldn't make out what he...

People hate the police so much these days...

...that even Sting has stopped performing "Every Breath You Take."

Sting has launched his own range of aromatherapy oils.

They're a massage in a bottle

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A guy was having sex with a girl against a 1963 Corvette Stingray, but he couldn't finish

Those are hard to come by

Adding $20 to Trump’s latest stimulus amendment...

...would slightly lessen the sting of the number 2020.

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Three racehorses and a racing dog are together after a day of racing.

The first horse says: "You guys won't believe what happed to me in the race today! I was taking my time at the race I was like 12th or 13th not caring too much. And then I suddenly felt a sting on my ass, I sprang forward and before I realized I fished the race 1st."


The second horse sa...

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An Arab boy is speaking with his father.

“Father, why do we wear these shawls on our head?”

“To keep the harsh sun off our scalp” He answers.

“What about these long robes father?”

“To protect us from the blistering wind that carries stinging sand.” Father says patiently.

“And our sandals?”

“To shield our ...

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I just don't understand why black people don't like the police

They have tons of great songs and Sting is a great singer

A regular golf course member is going for her regular solo 7:00am tee-off.

She makes a good putt to save par on the first green. As she walks along the long grass going to the second tee, she startles a wasp, and it stings her. Annoyed, but not wanting the event to ruin her day, she finishes her round.

When she gets to the clubhouse, she runs into the club pro....

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A beautiful young woman is sunbathing on the beach of an upscale resort, when she feels a buzzing in her vagina.

Alarmed, she runs to her father for help. "I think there's an insect in my coochie!" she tells him, frantically dancing from the buzzing sensation.

They call up the resort's resident doctor. He takes her into his office for an examination.

"Yup. It looks like a bee has crawled into yo...

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A hunter shoots a bear in the ass with a pistol...

The bear, feeling the sting in his ass, turns towards the hunter runs down the hill and pins the hunter down. The bear says "since you shot me in the ass, I'm going to screw you in the ass..."

The hunter, not wanting to die, agrees - pulls his pants down and allows the bear to have its way wi...

Why did the man get arrested after illegally downloading "Every Breath You Take"?

The file was created by The Police as part of a Sting operation.

News: Man burns at Burning Man

His last words: "The irony stings. But what really hurts is the burning."

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NSFW - I was on vacation in Australia with my girlfriend

And we were sunbathing on a nudist beach.

All of a sudden a hornet flew down and stung her right on her special area. It immediately swelled up and turned a rather nasty colour.

I immediately rang the Australian helpline for insect stings.

"G'Day mate, what seems to...

Farmer

A man wants to purchase some farmland, but is wary of the bees on the property. The farmer thinks the bees are harmless so he makes the prospective buyer a deal: He'll tie the buyer naked to a tree that has a bee hive for an hour, and if any bee stings him, the farmer will GIVE him the land for free...

If we defund the police...

...does that mean that Sting won’t be able to watch me anymore?

I used to work for a traveling carnival.

My buddy got me the job as he was part of the show. He had spent years training bees to land in his hand without them stinging him. It was quite a feat. He even grew so attached the he named his most recent bee "Uty" as we were traveling through Utah at the time.

One day, I hear my buddy shou...

New Bee Species

I was reading an article this week about this new bee they found in one of the Dakotas.

Apparently they have one of the worst stings known to man, and can actually knock out a full grown adult who gets stung.

The other worst part is that like a lot of insects, they try to lay eggs in t...

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A joke from the 1800s

" While passing a house on the road, two Virginia salesmen spotted a "very peculiar chimney, unfinished, and it attracting their attention, they asked a flaxen-haired urchin standing near the house if it 'drawed well' whereupon the aforementioned urchin gave them the stinging retort: 'Yes, it draws ...

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Captain Blackbeard and his first mate Kelly capture a ship searching for precious jewels...

The ship is carrying three groups: guides, soldiers, and miners. They are transferring the three groups over in three boats. During the transfer, the boat with the guides capsizes, followed by the soldiers, but the miners cross safely.
A bloom of jellyfish passes by and stings the men in the wat...

A husband and wife are golfing and almost immediately, the woman is stung by a bee.

As she’s had some bad reactions to bee stings before, the husband runs to the pro shop to get some assistance.

Bursting in, he says to the pro “My wife’s been stung, can you please help?”

The pro replies “Well where was she stung?”

“Between the first and second holes”.

...

a question about racial issues, concerning the police.

is sting's fake Jamaican accent problematic?

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(NSFW) Why do they call it a needle dick?

Because it stings a bit when it goes in.

Why did Steven Tyler stick his hand into a hornet nest??

He didn't wanna miss a sting

Another Golfing Woman Joke

A comely young blonde decided that she wanted to learn how to golf. So she goes to the pro shop at a course near her home, and signs up for lessons.

Well, she's a natural at it, so after a couple of weeks of instruction, the pro suggests she go out and play 9 holes.

Early the next morn...

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I hooked up with a martial artist last week.

She floated like a butterfly, and now it stings when I pee.

A kid with a swollen cheek walks into a hospital

A doctor rushes to it: "You Ok lad? What happened?"
"Well... There was this bee... and... it landed on my cheek and... and..."
"Did it sting you?"
"No, daddy killed it with a shovel"

In the mythical kingdoms of ancient India, lived the king Ramuk.

He had a courageous son by the name Tipar. Trained in the arts of war and statehood, Prince Tapir was ever eager to take his chance at the throne.

As age got the better of the king, he decided to crown the Prince and move on to a peaceful life of wine and women.

But before he could han...

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