Three women are about to be executed. One's a brunette, one's a redhead, and one's a blonde. The guard brings the brunette forward and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She says no, and the executioner shouts, "Ready! Aim!"

Suddenly the brunette yells, "EARTHQUAKE!!!"

Everyone is startled and throws themselves on the ground while she escapes.

The guard brings the redhead forward and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She says no, and the executioner shouts, "Ready! Aim!"

Suddenly th...

After my retirement at the company I worked at for 50 years, I looked forward to some relaxation time and putting my feet up, but my wife had other ideas...

... she insisted I take her to the local shopping centre every day.

Like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and out.

She's like most women - loves to browse & leaves me with endless time to fulfill.

Yesterday my dear wife received the following let...

Sometimes I tuck my knees into my chest and lean forward.

That's just how I roll.

The President is walking out of the White House and heading toward his limo, when a possible assassin steps forward and aims a gun.

A secret service agent, new on the job, shouts “Mickey Mouse!”

This startles the would be assassin and he is captured.

Later, the secret service agent’s supervisor takes him aside and asks, “What in the hell made you shout 'Mickey Mouse'?”

Blushing, the agent replies, “I got ne...

Today, Senate Republicans declared that they see no path forward to end the government shutdown

In other words: they've hit a wall

Pay it Forward:

I was at Walmart and this lady was sobbing because she lost all of her tax money out of her purse. She couldn’t pay for her groceries. I don’t know why but I decided to give her $200. I had just found $3,000 in the parking lot and since I was blessed I was bred to help her too.

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A businessman has designed a clock which moves one minute forward whenever it hears someone swear. To test it, he decided to set it up in three different bars.

First he went to a Japanese bar and anonymously set up the clock on one of the walls.

A day later, he returns to that bar to see that the clock is only one minute too early from the current time.

He repeats the process, but now in an American bar.

A day later he returns to see t...

The French recently invented a tank with 13 separate gears, but only 1 of which drives the tank forward.

Just in case the enemy attacks from behind.

Reasons I'm looking forward to Valentine's Day this year

1. It's pay day

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He was in ecstasy, with a huge smile on his face, as his wife moved forward, then backwards, forward, then backwards again, back and forth, back and forth...in and out...in and out. It was going on 20 minutes at this point...

Her heart was pounding...her face was flushed...then she moaned, softly at first, then began to groan louder.

Finally, totally exhausted, she let out an almighty scream and shouted:

"OK, OK! I can't park the damn car! You do it, you smug bastard!"

My wife told me that she couldn't turn her neck because it hurts so much, so I told her to look forward to a massage tonight...

...Since she can't look sideways anyways...

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Actually looking forward to Christmas this year for once.

I usually get terrible presents for the Mrs that she don’t actually want, but this year found her Christmas list and I've got everything on it;

Eggs

Milk

Bread

Butter

Bacon

Sugar

Toilet roll

She's going to be well impressed

One of the Monty Python team has invented an unmanned aircraft that does sky-writing that’s spelled the same backwards as forwards...

It’s a Palin drone...

Tip for BMW Drivers - Move your seat as far forward as possible.

That way you can get even closer to the car in front.

I used to play guitar in my room when I was a child, and it was my dream to make it big. Fast forward twenty years, and now I play to thousands of people a week.

If only some of them gave me their change.

My friend with narcolepsy is looking forward to Christmas

Only 27 sleeps now

Looking forward to celebrate Thanksgiving with my loved ones

Wish I could write this in another sub

Why did the boxer take a step forward?

To get to the punch line

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Inigo Montoya finally catches up with the six-fingered man

Inigo Montoya finally catches up with the six-fingered man in a monastry in Tibet. He finds him red-robed and shaven-headed sweeping the temple courtyard.

"Hello, my name is Inigo Montoya. You killed my father. Prepare to die." he says, drawing the six-fingered sword

The six-fingered m...

A programmer tries his hand at stand-up comedy: "Forward-slash forward-slash a man walks into a bar..."

A heckler yells at him: "Why do you keep doing that weird forward-slash thing?!"

He responds: "Don't you know? The best jokes are always in the comments."

Whenever I'm down, I always look forward to the light at the end of the tunnel.

I really hope it's a train this time.

I always look forward to the holidays on Reddit

to see who wins the repost wars.

A man travels 100 years forward in time. (Long)

Being unable to return, he decides to see how much of what he lived through still exists, and coincidentally, r/jokes still exists


He browses it, but instead of seeing jokes as he was used to, he just saw random numbers , some of which got thousands of upvotes, and some which didn't ge...

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An army captain approaches a prostitute and asks her, "Would you enjoy my company for $100?"...

She looks at the handsome military officer and says, "Of course, I would be glad!"

Captain replies, "COMPANY! FORWARD!"

What is heavy forward but not backward?

Ton

In a strange way, I was really looking forward to the hurricane and I was disappointed when it was downgraded...

I thought others round these here parts would echo my sentiment, but I guess Carolinians are used to being disappointed by the Hurricanes.

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All we need now is for someone to come forward and say EA has been sexually harassing them

Actually, that applies to all of us. They've been fucking us for years.

Did you know that if you play Nickelback backwards you can hear the devil?

But what's even worse is that if you play it forwards you can hear Nickelback

Donald Trump is moving forward with a bill to ban pre-shredded cheeses

He wants to make America grate again

Dr. Strange: I went forward in time... to view alternate futures. To see all the possible outcomes of the coming conflict.

Dr. Strange: I went forward in time... to view alternate futures. To see all the possible outcomes of the coming conflict.

Me: How many did you see?

Dr. Strange: Fourteen million six hundred and five.

Me: Did I win any arguments with my wife?

Dr. Strange: ...One. ...

An oxygen atom was looking forward to a threesome,

Instead the poor guy got ozoned.

Voting is a lot like driving.

D to go forward. R to go in reverse.

I was looking forward to watching the World Origami Championships today

Totally gutted when I found out that it was on paper view only.

You know why the iPhone X is the biggest leap forward ever?

Because they skipped 9.

What’s the difference between a word that’s spelled the same forwards and backwards and your friend in Italy?

One’s a palindrome and one’s a pal in Rome

A hot girl asked me whether I wanted to see a movie.

She said, "Which movie would you like to see?".

I said, "You pick".

She said, "No you pick".

I said, "I don't care, you pick".

She said, "Please decide fast sir, there are other people waiting to buy tickets".

[A forward that I received from my SO today]

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A woman decides to have a face lift for her 50th birthday. She spends $15,000 and looks sensational. On her way home, she stops at a news stand to buy a newspaper. Before leaving, she says to the clerk, ‘I hope you don’t mind my asking, but how old do you think I am?”.

’About 32,’ is the reply.’

‘Nope! I’m exactly 50,’ the woman says happily.

A little while later she goes into McDonald’s and asks the counter girl the very same question.

The girl replies, ‘I’d guess about 29.’ The woman replies with a big smile, ‘Nope, I’m 50.’

Now she’s...

I was really looking forward to Disney's portrayal of Rapunzel when Tangled first came out...

...but her hair was such a let down.

As I sit here eating my Pi day pie, I'm looking forward to also celebrating Tau day.

Then my desserts will have come full circle.

Why do scuba divers fall backwards off of the boat?

Because if they fell forward, they'd still be in the boat.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

The seven dwarves went to the Vatican and when the Pope answered the door, Dopey stepped forward...

"Your Excellency," he said. "I wonder if you could tell me if there are any dwarf nuns in Rome?"

"No, Dopey, there aren't," the Pope replied.

Behind Dopey, the six dwarfs started to titter.

"Well, are there any dwarf nuns in Italy?" Dopey persisted.

"No, none in Italy,...

A Saudi prince has come forward saying that they should end the ban placed on women driving in the kingdom.

Interesting, just in time when all global tech giants are in the final stage of trials of their self-driving cars.

Everyone remember: forward slashes are for websites, back slashes...

are for punishment.

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A Farmer gets a Letter from his Neighbors

A humble farmer goes out to his mailbox, seeing that a letter has arrived.

"Dear Ronald J. Kse,

This year we have chosen you to be the host of this year's harvest reap! All you need to do is provide your humble farm as the place of the party, and we will all provide.

Thanks, you...

Three people die and appear before Buddha

Stunned by the divine presence before them, they lower their heads.

-Raise your heads. You were humble in life and your deeds were praiseworthy. You have earned the right to a reincarnation of your choice. You have much to accomplish yet though.

One of the people takes a step forward a...

In surgery for a heart attack, a middle-aged woman has a vision of God by her bedside.

“Will I die?” she asks.

God says, “No. You have 30 more years to live.”

With 30 years to look forward to, she decides to make the best of it. Since she’s in the hospital, she gets breast implants, liposuction, a tummy tuck, hair transplants, and collagen injections in her lips. She loo...

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ITALIAN ARITHMETIC

An Italian workman wants a job, but the foreman won't hire him until he passes a little math test.. 'Here's your first question,' the foreman said. 'Without using numbers, represent the number 9.'

'Without a numbers?' the Italian says, 'Datsa easy.' and he proceeds to draw three trees. ...

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Sometimes the forwards from Grandma aren't so bad.

It's late fall and the Indians on a remote reservation in South Dakota asked their new chief if the coming winter was going to be cold or mild.

Since he was a chief in a modern society, he had never been taught the old secrets. When he looked at the sky, he couldn't tell what the winter was g...

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What starts with “f” and ends with “k”?

A first-grade teacher, Ms. Brooks, was having trouble with one of her more precocious students. The teacher asked, “Harry, what exactly is your problem?”
Harry answered, “I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd grade and I'm smarter than she! I think I should be in the 3rd gra...

A magician stops a woman on a street....

“Pick a card, any card” he says. She grabs one at random.
“Now, look away and memorize that card. Don’t show me.”
She turns away, memorizes it, and turns back to see that the man was gone.
She lived her life as any other. She got a job, fell in love, got married, and got pregnant with her f...

I always set my watch 10 minutes forward.

I wanna be ahead of my time

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How does a mastectomy patient look forward to the anniversary of being cancer-free?

With breastless anticipation!

Just give me a straight forward answer

Should I pronounce it Ee-ither or eye-ther?

A man and his son are driving past a graveyard.

Suddenly, the son leans forward and asks, "Do they ever bury two people in the same grave?"

Surprised, the man said, "Of course not! Why ask such a question?"

His son replied, well I read a gravestone that read, "Here lies a lawyer and an honest man".

A man travelled forward in time and logged onto reddit.

He went to r/Jokes but couldn't understand anything because people just posted numbers everywhere and replied like it was really funny.




He asked what was the deal with all the numbers. A man replied "Many years ago, jokes were being told over and over again, being reposted, so we...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Why don't neo-nazis use the forward button on their browsers?

Because they Alt-Right instead.

What did the overly forward CRISPR/Cas9 say to the attractive strand of DNA?

"Hey girl. I can't wait to get into your genes."

I'm really looking forward to the next stop on my Mediterranean cruise.

The captain said we're just a few clicks out from Harem Bay.

Jesus at the pearly gates

St. Peter was guarding the Pearly Gates, waiting for new souls coming to heaven. He saw Jesus walking by and caught his attention. "Jesus, could you mind the gate while I go do an errand?"

"Sure," replied Jesus. "What do I have to do?"

"Just find out about the people who arrive. Ask ab...

My husband once bought me a dress two sizes too small to encourage me to lose weight so I could fit into it.

When he gave me the dress, he said that he was "looking forward to seeing you in it."

So for his birthday, I bought him a coffin.

I look forward to hearing Michelle Obama's speech again.

At the 2020 RNC.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Two guys are talking over a beer, discussing various sex positions. The first guy says his favourite position is the "rodeo". The other guy asks what the position is, and how to do it?

The first guy says, "You tell your wife to get on the bed on all fours and then do it doggy style. Once things start to get underway and she's really enjoying it, lean forward and whisper in her ear - 'Your sister likes this position too'..... Then try to hang on for 8 seconds."

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A man walks into a bar...

A man walks into a bar with an alligator. He call for everyone's attention, orders a beer and proceeds to put his balls in the gator's open mouth.

The gator closes its mouth, the man drinks the beer and then takes the bottle and whacks the gator on the head with it real hard. The gator opens ...

My wife says she is really looking forward to the hotel...

But I have my reservations.

A woman is sitting at her husband's funeral listening to the eulogies being read...

​

A man in the pew behind her leans forward to ask, "Do you mind if I say a word?".

"No, not at all", she replies.

The man stands and clears his throat.

“Bargain", he says, and sits back down.

"Thank you", the woman responds, "it means a great deal"

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A man is alone in an airport lounge.

A beautiful young woman walks in and sits down at the table next to him. He decides that because she's wearing a uniform, she's probably an off-duty Flight Attendant. So he decides to have a go at picking her up by identifying the airline she flies for, thereby impressing her greatly. He leans acros...

If you were to write a direct, very short introduction for Microsoft Office's word processor, it might be a...

...forward four-word foreword for Word.

Excuse me sir, how much have you had to drink tonight?

A cop waited outside a popular pub hoping to nab a drunk-driver.

At closing time, as everyone came out, he spotted his potential quarry.

The man was so obviously inebriated that he could barely walk.

He stumbled around the parking lot for a few minutes looking for his car.
...

Wrong E-mail Address

A Minneapolis couple decided to go to Florida to thaw out during a particularly icy winter. They planned to stay at the same hotel where they had spent their honeymoon 20 years earlier. Because of hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their travel schedules. So, the husband left Minnesota...

A highschool senior is coming up on his senior prom and really wants the night to go right

Senior Prom is coming up, and Joe really wants to not have any regrets moving forward into adulthood. There's this girl, Sally, that he's been pining over for years, so he girds his loins and asks her to go with him to the event, and lo and behold she says yes.


Now Joe is starstruck, the ...

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Got this one in a forward from my dad - I did not see that one coming.

HAVE YOU EVER BEEN GUILTY OF LOOKING AT OTHERS YOUR OWN AGE AND THINKING, SURELY I CAN'T LOOK THAT OLD..

WELL .. . . YOU'LL LOVE THIS ONE.

MY NAME IS MARY , AND I WAS SITTING IN THE WAITING ROOM FOR MY FIRST APPOINTMENT WITH A NEW DENTIST.

I NOTICED HIS DDS DIPLOMA ON THE WALL, ...

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I'm really looking forward to Halloween this year. I'm doing a SAW themed party for my kids and their friends.

It begins with twelve children locked in the basement and I've hidden the Wi-Fi password inside the stomach of one of them.