So this witty kid went to his teacher asked her if he can go to the bathroom...

The teacher responded, "Alright, you can go."
The kid thanked his teacher and then went back to his seat.

I felt bad when I made some redditor cry with one of my witty comebacks

Sorry for the riposte

Do you know why Spiderman always has a witty comeback?

Because with great power comes great response ability.

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I was verbally harassed by two kids at the park today

So I told them off. Then their mother came over to me and said "Leave them the fuck alone! They're my fucking kids!"

Trying to think of a witty comeback, I asked her "Are they twins?"

She replied, "Of course they're not twins you fucking idiot, one is seven and the other is twelve! How...

Idk if someone has already posted this joke but... How does Spider-Man come up with such witty comebacks?

With great power comes great response-ability

A friend introduced me to this beautiful lady. Trying to impress, witty me sang a song with her name as the title that just came on top of my head.

I must say, Roxanne was not impressed when I told her she didnโ€™t have to put on the red light.

The worst thing about celebrity deaths is the inevitable torrent of jokes referencing them from people trying to be witty when really it should be a time of mourning and respect. I wonโ€™t take any part in it.

So wake me up when itโ€™s all over

The ad in the paper said, "You think you're funny? Tell us your best pun, and you'll win a $200 Amazon gift card!"

Well, I just couldn't resist. I sat down and wrote not one, but 10 of my best knee-slappers, rib-ticklers, and witty turns-of-phrase. I sent my list of comedy gold to the paper, and then began daydreaming about what I would do with $200.

The day on which the paper announced the contest winner...

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Gopal Bhaar and the best feeling

Gopal bhaar was a witty man, called on a lot by the king.
On a hot summers day, the Maharaja calls on his trusted advisors and ask them what the best feeling in the world is.

A lot of feelings go into the pool, happiness, orgasms, seeing your child being born, and so on.

When it co...

What do you call a witty person in a wheel chair?

A quipple

I was going to post a witty, hilarious and intelligent joke about time traveling

But you guys didnโ€™t like it

Why do women date witty writers? NSFW

Because they enjoy cunning linguists.

My deli guy is very witty.

He has a rye sense of humor.

TIFU by trying to be witty at the airport...

The TSA confiscated my protein powder asking "Are you planning on building any bombs with this substance?"

I replied "No, only guns."

If you are looking for a witty guy with abandonment issues

Then look no father

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I think the hardest thing I've ever had to come to grips with is the fact that I'll never be witty.

Well, that and my penis.

An Arrogant Boss

The secretary saw that her boss' zipper was open when he walked out of the bathroom.

Hey boss, "Your garage door is open."

The arrogant boss walked real close to her and said, "I hope you got a good look at my Ferrari."

The witty secretary quickly said, "No, but I did get a gli...

What do you call a witty comeback you see on r/jokes?

A riposte

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A hermit, a clown, and a witty comeback...

FULL DISCLOSURE: This is a shaggy dog story...

An old hermit has been living alone in the wilderness for many, many years. He decides that it is finally time to rejoin society. He sees in the local paper that the circus is coming to a nearby town and decides that a circus would be a wonderful...

I would appreciate it if we stopped posting Holocaust Jokes. They're not funny, witty, or humorous. My Grandpa died in the Holocaust

He fell off the Guard Tower

I was going to post a witty joke about Justin Trudeau.

But even for reddit it was too low-brow

I don't always post something witty and amusing

.....but when I do, I probably stole it from someone else.

Need something witty to say after i pee in a cup...

Tomorrow is drug test day... Not sure this is actually the right sub for this but watevs.

I was born handsome, charming witty and wise

I'm also a compulsive liar, but I think it evens out.

Mom and Dad

My mom and dad are fighting again. My mom yelled, โ€œHave you been drinking again? You promised me to try to be a different man!!โ€

My dad always has a witty reply. He said, โ€œI am trying, but the other man is a drinker too.โ€

A woman passes out while giving birth to her twins leaving her immature, witty brother to name them.

She wakes up and immediately asks her brother what he named her new born girl. He replies,"Denise". Surprised she says,"That's a beautiful name, what about my baby boy"? He responds with a grin from ear to ear, "Denephew".

I suppose the one good thing about having Alzheimer's..

..is I get to laugh at all these great, original, witty Jokes on here...every day !!

I thought my witty comeback was completely original....

Turns out it was a riposte.

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Saw this joke on YouTube and originally disliked it, but I eventually came around to it. (I'll change it up a bit, though.)

There's this single dad with three kids. One day, the circus comes to town. The guy says, "Come on, kids. Let's go to the circus."

So they get there, and they sit in the front row. The elephants come out, the jugglers come out, and the clowns come out. One clown says in a funny voice, "Uh, ca...

This joke may contain profanity. ๐Ÿค”

This man went out with the boys, and told his wife that he be home by midnight.

At around 3 AM, drunk as a skunk, he headed for home. Just as he got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hall started up and cuckooed 3 times. Quickly he realized she'd probably wake up so he cuckooed another 9 times. He was really proud of myself, having a quick, witty solution, even when smashed,...

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Timmy just loves clowns. Favourite thing in the world.

He's got clown bed spread, posters in his room, the whole shabang. Totally idolizes them

One day, Timmy sees that the big top circus is coming to town. He gets so excited that, when it finally arrived, he camps outside the ticket booth, waitimg to get the best seat in the house. And when he g...

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A Man Walks Into the Neigbourhood Bar

He goes in and orders a drink for himself. He notices an attractive lady sitting by herself a couple tables away. Too attractive for someone of his own league, he thinks to himself.

Halfway through too many drinks though, he ends up plucking up enough courage and approaches her. "May I sit do...

My five-year-old, everyone.

My insanely witty five-year-old, ladies and gentlemen:

 

Step-daughter: "I'm hungry."

Me: "Nice to meet you, hungry, I'm dad."

Her: "Ahhhhgh could you not say that anymore?"

Me: "Aw why not, sweets?"

Her: "Because I don't like it when you call me na...

The people of Iranian city of Isfahan were famous for their jokes and puzzles.

An Iranian townsman planned to visit Isfahan so he asked his friends what they would like him to bring them from the glorious metropolis.

They said, "Don't bring us anything but something witty said by a person from Isfahan."

The guy promised he would remember their request. So, he wen...

A redditor with an interest in fencing was on r/rareinsults

He found an amusing and witty retort, and was about to upvote, but alas he remembered. It was a riposte

A stranger walks into a neighborhood bar (long)

A stranger walks into a neighborhood bar and hears a very strange conversation.

"Hey, Joey! Your wife is so fat, when she sits around the house, she sits **around the house**!"

"Oh yeah, Bobby? 37!"

Bobby cringes as the crowd yells "oooooh" and laughs.

Joey then stands up...

Hi funny people I need your help.

I have a credit card that is made of metal and is very heavy. People frequently comment on how heavy it is and I have been trying to come up with a witty response for nearly two years now. I've tried, I'm hard on things, I think they are concerned I would wear it out and I take spending seriously bu...

What do you call a snobby prisoner walking down the stairs?

A condescending con descending.

Submitted on behalf of my witty daughter!

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A man goes to the circus

A young man named John was a huge fan of the circus all the way through childhood, he had a huge affection for the acrobatics, showmanship and the hilarious clowns.

Finally, one day, a circus came to his tiny village and he saved all his money to make the trip.

He had a great time, the...

Did you hear about 50 Cent's clever new song about the small, detail-oriented urban cat?

They're calling it "Fiddy's witty itty bitty nitty gritty city kitty ditty".

I enjoy one glass of wine each night for its health benefits.

The other glasses are for my witty comebacks and my flawless dance moves.

A Well-Argued Court Case

The beauty of a language and the art of constructing the words of the language significantly lead to their meaning. This is not a case of twisting, but of the refined manner of presentation by witty minds. A good case for reference.

One evening, after attending the theatre, two gentlemen were...

God creates Adam

God creates Adam and it was good. After some time God realizes Adam needs a companion and says to him, "Adam, I have decided to give you a companion. I will give you a woman who will love you and live to please you. She will be intelligent, witty, and above all beautiful. She will cook your meals, w...

I was so excited to be at my girlfriend's parent's house for dinner.

So I decided to make a good first impression by complimenting my girlfriend in front of her parents:

"Let me just start off this dinner by saying that I am delighted to be here with my beautiful girlfriend and her parents. Your daughter is an incredible person. She is kind, witty and, most im...

An audio technician becomes a comedian

An audio technician is on stage at an open mic night in a comedy club.

He seems to be absolutely crushing the audience with witty and outrageous jokes.

At the end of his time he gets to do a mic drop.

That was the last night he ever did comedy.

The feedback ruined it.

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This young lady got tired of the losers she's been meeting in the dating scene.

One day, out of frustration, she posts an ad in the local personals;

"I'm looking for an honest man. One who is witty, won't hit me, and won't run around on me, and is good in bed."

Several days passed and there was no response, so she forgot about it.

Two weeks later, her doorb...

I hope you don't like self-deprecating humor. I'm terrible at it.

^ Came up with this while trying to think of witty opening lines for tinder. It didn't make the cut. Thought Reddit might like it though.

Do vegans get paid hourly or celery?

That's it. That was the joke. No witty punchline or anything like that. Sorry.

This joke may contain profanity. ๐Ÿค”

My boss asked if he dropped his watch in the toilet

Because I was shitting on his time

And joke creds to him. I was also fresh out of witty comebacks...

On a Scale of 1 to 10, How Obsessed am I with Harry Potter?

9 3/4

*Credit goes to a tee shirt I saw. I'm not that witty.*

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A woman in r/relationships

has a chauvinistic boyfriend who is constantly joking with her about how her place is in the kitchen, having his dinner ready, and things of that nature. She asks the community for any suggestions on some witty come backs to her boyfriend's demeaning humor.

The top responder replied, "you bet...

This joke may contain profanity. ๐Ÿค”

an old man is at the mall with his daughter

An old man is at the mall with his daughter. he starts to get hungry after a while of walking around he asks his daughter if they can sit down to eat. they go to the food court they get their food sit down and start eating. the old man looks across the way and sees a girl with tattoos piercings and ...

This joke may contain profanity. ๐Ÿค”

[seriously] Joke Request or Challenge, however you want to look at tit.

I am not as creative, nor as clever as many of you. So that is why I am asking for help.

I have a router that broadcasts 3 signals: 2 are mine (2.4Ghz, and 5Ghz) the 3rd is guest (which is optional) access.

I would like a witty or cleaver name to use in these 2 slots. They have a max o...

This joke may contain profanity. ๐Ÿค”

Jeffrey vs. Clown (long)

Jeffrey is a young man growing up in a small, mid-century town. He's a sensitive, bookish type, but overall Jeffrey is a nice guy with a good heart. One day, the circus comes to town. Having nothing else to do (as there was no internet or video games in that time), Jeffrey decides to buy a ticket....

A man goes hunting...

He is an Atheist. He is in the woods when he trips and drops his rifle down a cliffs edge, and a Bear corners him. Knowing its his last line of life, but un willing to ask for god, he thinks of a witty idea, he says "If there is a god, please make this bear a christian!".The bear stands up and says ...

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