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Snappy Jokes

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What’s the difference between a magical girl’s comedy sketch and a female dog’s snappy comeback?

One’s a witch’s bit and the other is a bitch’s wit.

How about some snappy one-liners?

Ironically, the only way you could get me to watch 50 shades of gray is if you tied me up and forced me to watch it.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man loses his ass at a Las Vegas casino... (NSFW)

He has only his return plane ticket and a stash of cash at home, but not a penny with him. He sees one cab outside of the casino and pleads with the driver to give him the short ride to the airport, and he'll send the driver double his fare when he gets home.

"Goddamn filthy losers", says the...

WHAT KIND OF BAND PLAYS SNAPPY MUSIC?

A RUBBER BAND.

There was this guy who had a pet centipede.

One day, he said, “go get the paper, and make it snappy!” Half an hour later, he goes outside, sees the centipede and says, “didn’t I say to make it snappy”? The centipede replies, “I had to put on my shoes!”

Dinner

So, I’m having dinner with my Uncle at this chic restaurant. As he closed the menu shut, he says to the waitstaff “I’ll have the turtle soup and make it snappy!”

Why wasn't Thanos picked for jury duty?

Because he makes snappy judgements!

A guy sits down at a bar alone having a drink, munching on the bar's bowl of pretzels.

All of a sudden he hears a little voice, "Looking good there, buddy."

Looking around he sees no one within earshot. So he just shrugs it off & goes back to his drink & snack.

A little while latter again he hears a little voice, "And you're a snappy dresser too."

Again lo...

A guy walks into a restaurant and orders a rubber band sandwich ...

He says “And make it snappy”

My employees are developing weaponized crocodiles.

I told them to make it snappy.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The Aquarium [NSFW]

So this guy who works in an aquarium gets summoned by his boss, who says to him: "I just walked by the dolphin tank and they're feeling very amorous. They're doing all sorts of things to each other. In two hours we've got three bus loads of second graders coming, and we can't have them watching thos...

Just remembered my favourite dad joke of all time.

"Bring me a crocodile sandwich and make it snappy."

Oldie but goodie

A young woman was walking along a deserted beach admiring the sunset when she noticed a lamp partially buried in the sand. She picked up the lamp and brushed the sand off. To her suprise a Genie appeared in front of her. The Genie said "You've got one wish, make it snappy" The young woman said "I th...

A young American couple are walking through Moscow...

A young American couple are walking through Moscow on an unseasonably warm December night. They feel a slight precipitation.
"I think its raining" says the man.
"No, I'm quite sure thats snow."replies the woman.
"How about we ask the guard?" The man suggests. "Oh, Officer Olph? He w...

A Colonel's wife was walking her dog in a military base.

She was pleased by the snappy salutes she received from a couple of soldiers who passed by.

The effect was lost when she overheard one soldier ask the other, "who is she?" and the other answered, "Don't know...but it is the colonel's dog!"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The Three Challenges

**TL;DR:** Jokes don't have TL;DRs.

A man named Andrew walks into a bar, makes his way to the stool and asks the bartender for some Whiskey, on the rocks.

As the bartender serves Andrew his order, his eyes fall on a relatively large jar of money filled with $100 bills. He gets curious...

Big Joe

A guy runs into a bar. "I'll have a vodka tonic, but make it snappy!" he says to the bartender.

The barkeep hands him his drink. The guy throws a twenty down and says, "Keep the change. I gotta get out of here, Big Joe's coming!"

Hearing this, patrons all over the bar frantically get u...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

This guy is getting ready for prom

And of coarse he needs all the things you're supposed to have. Ya know tuxedo, corsage, and of course the tickets to get in. So first, he goes to get his tuxedo. When he gets there, there is a pretty long line for that. Seeming this is his first stop, he's not to troubled by it. Then he finally gets...

Waiter Jokes.

Customer: Waiter there's a fly in my soup.
Waiter: Gee...look's like it's doin' the backstroke.

Customer: Waiter there's a fly in my soup.
Waiter: Don't worry sir, we don't charge for extra ingredients.

Customer: Waiter, there's a DEMON in my soup.
Waiter: Well sir, you said y...

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