UPJOKE
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Bruce Lee was fast, but he had an even faster brotherโ€ฆ

Sudden Lee

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Fast learning

Two young boys walked into a pharmacy one day, picked out a box of tampons, and proceeded to the checkout counter.

The pharmacist at the counter asked the older boy,

\- "Son, how old are you?"

\- "Eight", the boy replied.

The man continued,

\- "Do you know what t...

what did Jeffery dahmer say after eating at a fast food place

This does not taste like five guys

Bruce Lee was fast, but he had an even faster brother

Sudden Lee

A guy with no armsโ€ฆโ€ฆ. (Long)

A guy who was born with no arms goes to the doctor one day and the doc says, โ€˜I have bad news, you are terminally ill and you only have one month left to live.โ€

The man was a absolutely despondent - but as he walked out of his doctors office, he looked up at the monastery atop the hill near t...

A cop asked me why I was driving so fast

"Helping you pay for donuts" was not the right answer

How fast is a pregnant horse?

2 Horsepower

Did you know they're gonna release the 10th Fast and Furious movie already?

It's called Fast10 your seatbelts.

What do you call a vampire who works the night shift at a fast food restaurant?

Count Spatula!

They say live fast, die young

But ESPN keeps rejecting my pilot episode of Baby Formula 1 Racing

Why are New Zealand horses so fast?

Because they've seen what they do to the sheep.

The Olive Garden should sponsor The Fast and Furious franchise.

Because when you are there, you are Family.

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Like Father Like Son.

A joke my dad wrote to me in one of his letters while he was in prison:





A farm boy gets up early one morning and finds himself very
hungry. So he hurries downstairs to get his breakfast.

When he reaches the kitchen, he finds his mom already there.
"Not so fas...

Fast

A guy comes walking into a bar with a turtle in his hand.The turtle's one eye is black and blue, two of his legs are bandaged, and his whole shell is taped together with duct tape.The bartender looks at the guy and asks: What's wrong with your turtle? Not a thing, the man responds, this beat up turt...

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A tourist wanders into a back-alley antique shop in San Francisco's Chinatown.

A tourist wanders into a back-alley antique shop in San Francisco's Chinatown. Picking through the objects on display he discovers a detailed, life-sized bronze sculpture of a rat. The sculpture is so interesting and unique that he picks it up and asks the shop owner what it costs.

...

What is fast, loud and crunchy?

A rocket chip.

A chicken and a horse become best friends on their farm.

Every day, they go out walking together, talking, laughing and generally enjoying each other's company. One day, they happen to wander too closely to a sinkhole, and the horse falls in. As the horse flails about, the chicken looks around desperately, trying to figure out how to save her friend. That...

A smart guy and a fast guy walk into a bar.

The bartender asks: "Is it better to be smarter or fast?"

The fast guy says, "Fast because if you are working at a nuclear power plant and there is an accident, you can run away."

The smart guy says, "It's better to be smart because then you wouldn't be working at a nuclear power plant...

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A man and a woman were fast asleep in bed

Suddenly, at 4 o'clock in the morning, a resounding noise came from outside.

The woman, sort of bewildered, jumped up from the bed and yelled at the man,

"Oh No! That must be my husband!"

The man quickly got out of bed, panicked and naked. He jumped out the window like a crazy...

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A boss said to his secretary, "I want to have sex with you, but I will make it very fast.

I'll throw $1,000 on the floor and by the time you bend down to pick it up, I'll be done."

She thought for a moment then called her boyfriend and told him the story. Her boyfriend said, "Do it but ask him for $2,000. Then pick up the money so fast, he won't even have enough time to undress hi...

There was this man in Russia who drove trains for a living.

He loved his job. Driving a train had been his dream ever since he was a child. He loved to make the train go as fast as possible. Unfortunately, one day he was a little too reckless and caused a crash. He made it out, but one person died. He went to court over this incident. He was found guilty, ...

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To all the teachers who said I would be nothing but a fast food worker and an alcoholic,

Fuck you that just was a lucky guess.

Iโ€™m not sure how fast the average horse can run

I think I should conduct a gallop poll.

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In my past life, I was a message delivery man in an army base

One day, I got a letter for Bravo Company, and took off to deliver it as quickly as I could. When I found them they were doing exercises in one of the yards, I walked up to the sergeant to deliver the message.

He took the letter, read it over, folded it and put it in his pocket. Then he yell...

What does Muslim sonic say when Ramadan begins.

Gotta go fast!

The Captain called the Sergeant in...

"Sarge, I just got a telegram that Smith's mother died yesterday. Better go tell him and send him in to see me."

So, the Sergeant calls for his morning formation and lines up all the troops.

"Listen up, men," says the Sergeant, "Johnson report to Personnel to sign some papers.

T...

A man went skydiving for the first time. "It's easy," said the instructor.

"Just count to five and pull on the main chute," the instructor continued. "If that doesn't open, count to ten and pull on the reserve chute."

"Super easy," he concluded. "Then you'll float slowly to the ground, and our bus will be there to drive you back to the airport."

The man j...

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A Republican and a Democrat end up as neighbors

Every single day they have fights for their political beliefs in which they spiral out of control. As the years goes by they hate each other more and more.

One day the Republican(John) has a terrible car accident right in front of the Democrats(Mike) house.

Mike!! he yells. Come qui...

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An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar

An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar

The first mathematician orders a beer

The second orders half a beer

"I don't serve half-beers" the bartender replies

"Excuse me?" Asks mathematician #2

"What kind of bar serves half-beers?" The bartender rema...

What does a sprinter eat before a race?

Nothing, they fast!

A homeless man is on the street corner begging for money

A wealthy lawyer walks past him. "Pardon me, sir, but do you have any spare change?"

The lawyer looks annoyed, and turns to him. "No, no I don't. I don't believe in giving handouts to bums. But I tell you what," he said, handing him a business card, "if you come to my house tomorrow morni...

I'm fast, but unfit...

my record for 100 meters is about 13 seconds and my record for 400 meters is about 250 meters.

Six Supreme Court justices, floating face-down in a river

All 6 conservative members of the SCOTUS got stranded in the woods with only a giant suitcase and a couple of paddles. Then they came to a raging river- it was fast-moving, wide and rocky but only waist deep. They began to bicker over how to get across. Kavanaugh, Thomas, and Gorsuch said "We are st...

Snail gets robbed by a tortoise.

Police come and asks the snail โ€œcan you tell us what happened?โ€ Snail says I donโ€™t know man it all happened so fast.

An elderly couple go to their local fast food restaurant.

The old man placed an order for one hamburger, French fries, and a drink.
He unwrapped the hamburger and cut it in half, placing one half in front of his wife.

He then carefully counted out the fries, dividing them into two piles and neatly placed one pile in front of his wife.
He to...

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The black knight

A man, thirsty after a long hike, walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a beer.

The bartender gives him his beer and says: โ€˜Here you go sir, but I do want to warn you that the black knight is coming soon, so itโ€™s best to be gone by thenโ€™

The man shrugs it off, โ€˜yeah yeah I just ...

It's amazing how removing letters from something changes things so fast

For instance, if you remove enough letters from 'mailbox' you get 'felony'

I've invented a new talent contest where you have to dress up as a sailor and eat as much spinach as fast as possible.

I'm going to call it Popeyedol.

A circus performer is late to his next gig

Driving as fast as he can, he is soon pulled over by the police. The cop asks for his license, registration, and proof of insurance, and then asks him where he was going so fast.

"Well, officer, I'm a circus performer, and I'm headed to Springfield to do my juggling act, and I'm late."
...

If slow old men use walking sticks, what do fast old men use ?

Hurry canes.

It doesn't matter how fast I'm going. What matters is that I'm moving forward in the right direction.

police officer: That's very inspiring, but you're still getting a ticket.

What Do You Get When You Mix Breaking Bad With Fast Food?

Walter Whitecastle, aka โ€œHeisenburgerโ€.

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A cop pulls someone over for speeding...

He asks the driver: "Why were you driving this fast?"

"I'm late for work!", he responds

"What are you working as?"

"I'm an asshole-widener."

The cop is confused: "What's that supposed to be?"

"Well," he calmly explains, "I take an asshole and try to put my finger i...

Why are shooting stars so fast? (x-post from /dadjokes)

Theyโ€™re traveling light.

King

A lion woke up one morning feeling really rowdy and mean. He went out and cornered a small monkey and roared, Who is mightiest of all jungle animals? The trembling monkey says, You are, mighty lion!Later, the lion confronts a ox and fiercely bellows, Who is the mightiest of all jungle animals? The ...

Bad boy and good girl (long)

So a guy decides he wants to date this girl. He finds out that she's quite prudish but he's willing to look past that because she's really, really pretty. After constantly asking her, she finally agrees to go out with him. One date leads to another and soon they have a steady thing going. He wants ...

Police officer: Why were you driving so fast?

Me: I was trying to get to the gas station before I ran out of gas.

Not so fastโ€ฆ

The captain of a navy vessel is on the bridge one day when the bosun enters and asks to use the PA system. The captain agrees and the bosun gets on the PA and barks out โ€œAttention seaman first class Johnson! Your mother is dead!! That is all!โ€

The Captain is mortified and grabs hold of the bo...

Two cannibals found a guy lost in the forest and decided to kill and eat him.

They thought that the best way to do it was for one to start at the head and the other to start at the feet and meet in the middle. After awhile, the cannibal at the top said, โ€œHowโ€™s it going down there?โ€ The other cannibal said, โ€œIโ€™m having a ball!โ€ The first cannibal replied, โ€œWell slow down, youโ€™...

I heard the next Fast and Furious movie is going to have these fins on the back of the cars....

...Oops, spoilers.

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Not so fast

One Friday morning, Bill was quietly sipping his coffee and reading the newspaper at the kitchen table when his wife came up from the basement and without warning, smacked him on the side of his headโ€ฆ

"What the Hell was that for?" Bill asked, covering his head with both hands, anticipating a ...

My doctor told me intermittent fasting is good for weight loss.

I told him it doesn't work for me.

I haven't lost any weight even though I've been doing it multiple times a day.

An anteater walks into a coffee bar ...

... where all the workers, naturally, are English majors and grads. "I'd like a cinnamon latte," he said, "where the cream balances the astringency of the dark roasted coffee beans and the grated spice adds a piquant warmth to the taste of the beverage."

"Why the long clause?" asked the bari...

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Signal box operative

New job


Guy goes for a job as a train signal box operative.

The examiner tests him for his thinking abilities.

"Ok. You have a train coming down the A line what do you do"?

"Simple, just give him a green go signal and the jobs done"!

"Great" says the examiner.<...

What happens when you cross a chicken with a turbocharger?

Fast food.

Vinny gets pulled over for speeding on the Jersey Turnpike...

And the cop asks him for his license and registration. Now Vinny wants to get rid of the cop as fast as possible being that he's got a dead "canary" in the trunk. As he passes his wallet, he drops a $50 bill on the ground.

"I'm sorry officer was that your fifty or mine?"

The cop hands ...

Iron deficiency gang, rise up!

But not too fast.

We do do windows.

A young woman had the windows in her house replaced with new double-insulated energy efficient windows. Twelve months later, she got a call from the contractor, complaining that the work has been done for a year and she had yet to make the first payment.

The woman replied, "Now don't try to p...

Heisenberg is pulled over by the cops

The cop asks โ€œDo you know how fast you were going?โ€

Heisenberg replies โ€œNo, but I know where I am.โ€

What do you call a fast-working marine animal in its natural habitat?

A fish in sea.

Job

Two smart, attractive, well-educated young law graduates, Sally and Edith, were competing for a prestigious job.

As part of the job interview each was asked why she wanted the job.

Edith answered that she wanted to work for a firm with a reputation of being concerned with truth and j...

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Tortoise and Rabbit. Antagonist view.

A different insight into the story of hare and tortoise:-

E๐’—๐’†๐’“๐’š๐’๐’๐’† ๐’•๐’‰๐’“๐’๐’–๐’ˆ๐’‰๐’๐’–๐’• ๐’•๐’‰๐’† ๐’˜๐’๐’“๐’๐’… ๐’‰๐’‚๐’” ๐’Œ๐’†๐’‘๐’• ๐’ˆ๐’Š๐’—๐’Š๐’๐’ˆ ๐’•๐’‰๐’† ๐’†๐’™๐’‚๐’Ž๐’‘๐’๐’† ๐’๐’‡ ๐‘ป๐’๐’“๐’•๐’๐’Š๐’”๐’†โ€ฆ ๐‘บ๐’‚๐’š๐’Š๐’๐’ˆ ๐’•๐’‰๐’‚๐’• ๐’”๐’๐’๐’˜ ๐’‚๐’๐’… ๐’”๐’•๐’†๐’‚๐’…๐’š ๐’˜๐’Š๐’๐’” ๐’•๐’‰๐’† ๐’“๐’‚๐’„๐’†, ๐’‚๐’๐’… ๐’†๐’Ž๐’‘๐’‰๐’‚๐’”๐’Š๐’›๐’Š๐’๐’ˆ...

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Just a friendly reminder to show respect to Ramadan

Yes, yes. I know we all like to have a good laugh about certain things. But Ramadan is a very important and sacred time for Muslims. And as a non-Muslim, I have since learned that we need treat it with some respect.

See, my next door neighbour is a Muslim. Ever since the start of Ramadan, I h...

Fast

A couple had been debating the purchase of a new auto for weeks. He wanted a new truck. She wanted a fast little sports-like car so she could zip through traffic around town. He would probably have settled on any beat up old truck, but everything she seemed to like was way out of their price range. ...

Three drunks enter a taxi

the driver immediately notices that they were drunk, and decided to make a quick buck out of them.

When they entered the car, he drove 100 meters, made a turn and told them that they arrived at their destination.
The first one thanks the driver and leaves. The second thanks him, give hi...

Why can't cabbages run fast?

They move in slaw motion

How can you be both fast and slow at the same time?

Win the gold medal at the special Olympics.

Questionable Morals

A little old lady was walking down the street dragging two large plastic
garbage bags behind her. One of the bags was ripped, and every once in
awhile, a $20 bill fell out onto the sidewalk.

Noticing this, a Policeman stopped her, and said, "Ma'am, there are $20
bills falling Out of ...

A snail goes into a car dealership....

and he asks "What's the fastest car in this place?"

The car dealer takes him to a super-fast Lamborghini. "This one right here, it will do two-hundred eighty kilometres per hour."

"And do you do custom paint jobs?" The snail asked.

"Yes sir, absolutely anything for our customers...

1913 Driving Joke

A salesman of ironware, well known in the downtown district, bought a new automobile several weeks ago. He got one of the newest models, and on the first decent day we had he invited a small party of friends to take a spin through the country roads with him. He wanted to show off.

Well, he ...

Locked out of the house.

I stepped out to feed the cat at 5am while everyone was still fast asleep. The door shut and locked me outside. I tried calling the wife multiple times with no answer. I tried taping on her window, banging on her window, tapping on my sons window, banging on his window, and lastly the doorbell. This...

What do you call a queen ant who spends sooo much money to get another ladypart just so she could lay eggs twice as fast?

Extravagant

A man walks into a bar.

He orders 12 beers and starts drinking them really fast.

The bartender asks โ€œwhy are you drinking those beers so fast?โ€

The man says โ€œif you had what I had youโ€™d be drinking fast tooโ€

โ€œWhat do you have?โ€ asks the barkeep

โ€œ75 centsโ€

Why are masterless samurai so fast?

Because they are always ronin.

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A fat man wants to lose weight...

A fat man is looking for a way to lose weight. He has already tried all kinds of slimming diets and fitness programs, but they didn't work for him. One day, he comes across an ad that says: "New revolutionary method - weight loss 100% guaranteed. Satisfied or your money back!"
He thinks: "Since ...

Politicians go visit a school

High ranking politicians visit a school. The top one goes over the expenses and decides to make adjustments to cut costs.
"The lunch portions are too big. Cut them in half. Internet connection too fast. Too many computers."

After that, they go to a preschool. Again, the expenses are too ...

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Why donโ€™t you hear any Chris Chan jokes?

They get old motherfucking fast

Little Johny tells his teacher he is fast at math.

LJ: โ€œTeacher, I am fast at math.โ€

T: โ€œOk. Then what is 2132 * 326?โ€

LJ: โ€œ371โ€

T: โ€œThatโ€™s not even closeโ€

LJ: โ€œBut it was fastโ€

In response to the "You're not a monk" joke

A priest was tidying up his church after a sermon, when a man comes in.
"I am sorry to bother you father, but can I ask you half of a lemon?"

"Of course my son." said the priest and he fetched half a lemon for the man. "But, before I give it to you, can you tell me why do you need it?"...

What did the anime character say to the wookiee when it ate too fast?

Chew, baka!

Everybody knows Rudolph the Red Nose leads Santa's sled team...

...but few know that Bruno the Brown Nose is the second in line.
He can run as fast as Rudolph, but he isn't as quick to stop.

Which fast food produces the most radiation?

>!Fission chips. !<

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This asshole thought that just because some fancy, expensive vehicle, he could go as fast as he wanted and weave inbetween cars. So I got in front of him and slowed down to 10kmph below the speed limit lmao

Fuckin ambulances I swear

If youโ€™re interviewing for a fast food job and they ask about your short and long term goals

Short term : I want to work at McDonalds

Long term : I donโ€™t want to work at McDonalds

How fast is your Father ?

Three little boys were sitting around bragging about how fast their fathers were.

The first little boy said โ€œMy Daddy drives race cars, and goes over 200 miles an hour !โ€

The second little boy said โ€œThatโ€™s nothinโ€™. My Daddy flies jet airplanes faster than the speed of sound !โ€

T...

An English man and an Irish man are driving head-on, at night, on a twisty, dark road. Both are driving too fast

for the conditions and collide on a sharp bend in the road. To the amazement of both, they are unscathed, though their cars are both destroyed. In celebration of their luck, both agree to put aside their dislike for the other from that moment on. At this point, the Englishman goes to the boot and fe...

Everyone told me smoking kills, I had no idea how fast.

My dad went to get his first pack of cigarettes ever and I never saw him again.

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This guy was cruising along a deserted Texas highway on his way to work..

doing 92 mph in an 85 zone. As he crests a slight hill he gets nailed by a highway patrolman running radar. Easing over onto the shoulder and coming to a stop, the officer walks up to the car and asks "License and registration please, and where the hell are you going in such a hurry?"

The...

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Do you know how fast you were going?

Heisenberg, Schrodinger, and Ohm are in a car and they get pulled over. Heisenberg is driving and the cop asks him "Do you know how fast you were going?"

"No, but I know exactly where I am" Heisenberg replies.

The cop says "You were doing 55 in a 35." Heisenberg throws up his hands and...

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A lawyer is driving at night, on the road to his hometown. Suddenly...

*Thud!*

The lawyer stops the car with fear in his eyes. His heart pumps fast. "Oh my God, did I just roadkill an animal? My name will be stained, forever!"

He leaves his car and goes to check the front. The headlights are illuminating an armadillo, rolled inside his shell. He gives the...

A man tries to fix his own record player....

He gets it running again, but it is turning at half the speed so nothing sounds right. He calls a few antique shops and flea markets until he finds someone that used to fix record players, and who then offers to take a look at it. So the technician opens up the player, and says "I don't know who was...

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Bored Superman

One day Superman is flying around looking for crime. Lex Luther is locked up along with all the other villains so not much is going on. Superman sees Batman crouched next to a gargoyle on a building so stops by to see what's up. "Hey Batman what's good wanna do something?" Batman answers gruffly, "I...

An old Fiat breaks down on a remote road

The driver discovers he has no service and can't call for help. Just as he starts walking, a shiny new BMW stops next to him. "Hey man, having car trouble?" The driver asks. "I'm afraid so." The driver of the Fiat answers. "Tell you what, my car is strong enough, I'll tow you to the nearest garage!"...

The right horse

A guy was driving in the countryside when his car broke down, he knew nothing about cars so thought he was in trouble but he heard a voice say "it's the fuelpump" he looked around but there was no-one around except a brown horse and the horse said "it's the fuel pump" the guy was distraught and ran ...

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Brian's Eggs

Brian came home from the pub late one Friday evening stinking drunk, as he often did, and crept into bed beside his wife who was already asleep. He gave her a peck on the cheek and fell fast asleep.

When Brian awoke a few hours later he found a strange man was standing at the end of his bed w...

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Probably been here before, but I heard this one at summer camp

The old man who lives in the tall bell tower needed someone to help him with ringing the bell, as he was getting too old.

The first person who arrived was like the old man and was not strong enough to produce a loud sound with the bell.

The second person who showed up was a boy who had...

Once, many many years ago, there was a fad among fast food restaurants

to put historical, sometimes military or industrial items in their front yards as a kind of attraction/plaything; an old howitzer or maybe even a train caboose that kids could inspect or climb on. Sometimes these unlikely things would be decorated with the characters or dishes of the food chain. For...

Did you hear that in the next fast and the furious movie theyโ€™re getting rid of those long fin things on the back of the cars

Ah sorry, spoilers

Upon Arriving Home, A Husband Was Met At The Door By His Sobbing Wife Tearfully she explained, "It's the pharmacist. He insulted me terribly this morning on the phone."

Immediately the husband drove downtown to confront the pharmacist and demand an apology. Before he could say more than a few words, the druggist told him,

"Now, just a minute, please listen to my side of it...
This morning the alarm failed to go off, so I was late getting up. I went withou...

Guy in a Lamborghini

Guy's driving down the road in his new Lamborghini. Stops at a light next to an old man on a moped.

The old man looks over and says "Say, that's a pretty spiffy looking car there, son. It looks fast."

Guy says "It sure is."

Old man looks at the interior and says "Looks luxurious...

A cowboy walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman

He gives her a quick glance then causally looks at his watch for a moment.

The woman notices this and asks, "Is your date running late?"

"No", he replies, "I just got this state-of the-art watch, and I was just testing it."

The intrigued woman says, "A state-of-the-art watch? Wh...

If you are driving really fast and suddenly you see your wife and your mother in law in front of you, what will you hit first?

Brakes...... The brakes.

The rich alligator collector and his beautiful daughter

Once there was a rich man who collected live alligators. He kept them in the pool behind his mansion. He also had a beautiful single daughter.

So, one day he decides to throw a huge party, and during the party he announces: "My dear guests, I have a proposition to every man here. I will give ...

Last night I dreamed I was driving a Ferrari in the Formula 1 championship race...

I was fast, asleep.

Two little boys stole a load of apples from a neighbours apple tree.

They decided to go to a quiet place to share the lot equally.
One of them suggested the nearby cemetery.
As they were jumping over the gate to enter the cemetery, they dropped two apples, but they didn't bother to pick them since they had enough.
A few minutes later, a drunk, on his way fro...

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Shamelessly copied from another post just too old

Radio guy talkes to some guy:
- Sir, Do you speak English?
- Yes!
- Name?
- Abdul Aziz.
- Sex?
- Three to five times a day.
- No, no...I mean male or female?
- Yes, male, female, sometimes camel.
- Holy cow!
- Yes, cow, sheep, animals in general.
- But isn't that hos...

My D&D group found a walking stick that casts Column of Wind when you go fast.

It's a hurry cane.

Say this hockey team name 5x FAST: Black Hawks

Bbc

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A husband and wife of want to spice up their stale sex life.

They want to try BDSM for the first time. So one afternoon, the husband comes home from work, heads upstairs to the bedroom to change, and finds his wife spread out on the bed decked out in bondage gear and lingerie. Without skipping a beat the husband gets undressed and leans down and asks her in a...

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Porn is a lot like pro wrestling...

All of it is exciting at first, and it's great to watch when you're free, but when you know how much of it is fake, it gets boring fast.

You can't wait to read The Winds of Winter? The Doors of Stone aren't being written fast enough for you?

You think it's taking too long? You know nothing.

The Epic of Gilgamesh: written ~2100 BCE - ~1200 BCE.

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Voodoo Dildo

There's this older, very wealthy fellow. Of course, being very wealthy, he snagged himself a younger and smoking hot wife. Well today he accepted he can't have sex anymore because viagra has ceased to work with him, so he goes to the adult shop to get his wife a toy instead.

He walks up to th...

Fast Food Fury

My fast-food order arrived but it was incomplete. I was missing my fries. They had no more ketchup. They ran out of napkins. And the cashier said, โ€œI canโ€™t give you a lid for your drink or you wonโ€™t be able to drink it,โ€ and she pointed at the previous customer holding a drink. That is when I threw ...

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