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Fast Jokes

Bruce Lee was fast, but he had an even faster brother…

Sudden Lee

The 10th Fast and Furious film should be called....

Fast 10 Your Seat Belt.

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A boss said to his secretary, "I want to have sex with you, but I will make it very fast.

I'll throw $1,000 on the floor and by the time you bend down to pick it up, I'll be done."

She thought for a moment then called her boyfriend and told him the story. Her boyfriend said, "Do it but ask him for $2,000. Then pick up the money so fast, he won't even have enough time to undress hi...

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Fast Sex

Dave wanted desperately to have sex with this really cute, really hot girl
in his office. But she was dating someone else. One day Dave got so
frustrated that he went to her and said "I'll give you $100 if you let me
have sex with you."

The girl looked at him and then said, "NO!"
...

How fast was Thor’s hammer destroyed?

Hela Fast.

An English man and an Irish man are driving head-on, at night, on a twisty, dark road. Both are driving too fast

for the conditions and collide on a sharp bend in the road. To the amazement of both, they are unscathed, though their cars are both destroyed. In celebration of their luck, both agree to put aside their dislike for the other from that moment on. At this point, the Englishman goes to the boot and fe...

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Fast learning

Two young boys walked into a pharmacy one day, picked out a box of tampons, and proceeded to the checkout counter.

The pharmacist at the counter asked the older boy,

\- "Son, how old are you?"

\- "Eight", the boy replied.

The man continued,

\- "Do you know what t...

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Do you know how fast you were going?

Heisenberg, Schrodinger, and Ohm are in a car and they get pulled over. Heisenberg is driving and the cop asks him "Do you know how fast you were going?"

"No, but I know exactly where I am" Heisenberg replies.

The cop says "You were doing 55 in a 35." Heisenberg throws up his hands ...

Everyone told me smoking kills, I had no idea how fast.

My dad went to get his first pack of cigarettes ever and I never saw him again.

How fast does light travel?

a. 10,000 km/s

b. 100,000 km/s

c.

d. 1,000,000 km/s

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Porn is like fast food

Beforehand-Looks appetizing, quick, and affordable.

Afterwards-You feel ashamed and disgusted with yourself.

...and you have mayonnaise stuck on your hands.

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This asshole thought that just because some fancy, expensive vehicle, he could go as fast as he wanted and weave inbetween cars. So I got in front of him and slowed down to 10kmph below the speed limit lmao

Fuckin ambulances I swear

Him: "I drive like lightning" Her: "So you drive fast?"

Him: "No, I hit trees."

What do you call a really fast sheep?

A lamb-orghini.

What’s a bukkake-lover‘s favorite fast food restaurant?

Five Guys.

Hey! Wanna make $$$$ fast?

…Just follow my simple instructions:
1. Hold down the Shift Key
2. Press the number 4 four times.

It's that easy!

It's amazing how removing letters from something changes things so fast

For instance, if you remove enough letters from 'mailbox' you get 'felony'

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Learning about sex by watching porn is like learning to drive by watching Fast and Furious

It's angrier, quicker and much more to do with family than real life.

Bruce Lee was fast

But his brother, Sudden, was faster.

An Australian is driving all over Texas, fast and reckless.

He's streaking down highways, taking curves too fast and just generally being a danger to himself and everyone else on the road.

Finally, a state trooper catches up to him and gets him to pull over. "Drivin' a little crazy there, friend," says the trooper. "You come here to die?"

The A...

Fast

A guy comes walking into a bar with a turtle in his hand.The turtle's one eye is black and blue, two of his legs are bandaged, and his whole shell is taped together with duct tape.The bartender looks at the guy and asks: What's wrong with your turtle? Not a thing, the man responds, this beat up turt...

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A man and a woman were fast asleep in bed

Suddenly, at 4 o'clock in the morning, a resounding noise came from outside.

The woman, sort of bewildered, jumped up from the bed and yelled at the man,

"Oh No! That must be my husband!"

The man quickly got out of bed, panicked and naked. He jumped out the window like a crazy...

Fast & Furious : The politically correct edition

Fast 10 - The seatbelts

I hate when revolving doors move too fast

It's a pane in the ass

How fast is a pregnant horse?

2 Horsepower

A young man with a few hours to spare one afternoon figures that if he hurries and plays very fast

**A young man with a few hours** to spare one afternoon figures that if he hurries and plays very fast, he can get in nine holes before he has to head home. As he is about to tee off, an old gentleman shuffles onto the tee and asks if he can join him. Although worried this will slow him up, the youn...

What's the only Papally-approved fast food chain in the US?

Popeyes

Fasting isn't expected of Muslims until they reach puberty. This means that absolutely all Muslim children...

...grow up to fast

Fast and Furious [NSFW]

I asked my girlfriend to give me road head and we got into an accident.

I guess next time I should be the one driving.

So they just announced the title to the tenth fast and furious movie..

Fast10: Your Seatbelts.

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How fast does a woman go while having sex?

68 . . . Once she hits 69 she blows a rod

New fast and the Furious movie should be called... 'Fast 10: Your Seat belts'

Source: Wife's Facebook... made me chuckle.

Not so fast…

The captain of a navy vessel is on the bridge one day when the bosun enters and asks to use the PA system. The captain agrees and the bosun gets on the PA and barks out “Attention seaman first class Johnson! Your mother is dead!! That is all!”

The Captain is mortified and grabs hold of the bo...

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Not so fast

One Friday morning, Bill was quietly sipping his coffee and reading the newspaper at the kitchen table when his wife came up from the basement and without warning, smacked him on the side of his head…

"What the Hell was that for?" Bill asked, covering his head with both hands, anticipating a ...

They say live fast, die young

But ESPN keeps rejecting my pilot episode of Baby Formula 1 Racing

What does The Walking Dead, Game of Thrones and Fast and Furious have in common?

All their Walkers are dead

I'm fast, but unfit...

my record for 100 meters is about 13 seconds and my record for 400 meters is about 250 meters.

If slow old men use walking sticks, what do fast old men use ?

Hurry canes.

Why are New Zealand horses so fast?

Because they've seen what they do to the sheep.

Which fast food produces the most radiation?

>!Fission chips. !<

What is fast, loud and crunchy?

A rocket chip.

What do you call a person who is really fast at altering clothes?

Tailor Swift

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To all the teachers who said I would be nothing but a fast food worker and an alcoholic,

Fuck you that just was a lucky guess.

You know, people just hate Steven Seagal because of how talented, fast, witty, charismatic, respected, ...

\* *runs out of breath* \*

Two priests were riding very fast on a motorcycle.

They were promptly stopped by a policeman who said, “What do you think you are doing?“

“What if you have an accident?”

The priests say, “Don’t worry, my son. God is with us.”

The policeman says, “In that case, I have to book you. Three people are not allowed to ride on a motorcy...

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A cowboy sees a bunch of American Indians on the horizon and thinks: ''I'm fucked...'', but a voice in the back of his head says: ''Not so fast! Kill the chief!!!''

''What?! Why?'' - thinks the cowboy.

''Just kill the chief!'' - says the voice.

The cowboy hesitated a bit more and than drew his gun and shot the chief.

As the chief was falling from his horse the voice in the cowboy's head said: ''*Now* you're fucked...''

Why can't cabbages run fast?

They move in slaw motion

what did Jeffery dahmer say after eating at a fast food place

This does not taste like five guys

Old Man on the Fast Moped

Just remembered this one today. It's a great joke for around a campfire.

\---

Guy's driving down the road in his new Lamborghini. Stops at a light next to an old man on a moped.

The old man looks over and says "Say, that's a pretty spiffy looking car there, son. It looks f...

A cop asked me why I was driving so fast

"Helping you pay for donuts" was not the right answer

Fast Food Fury

My fast-food order arrived but it was incomplete. I was missing my fries. They had no more ketchup. They ran out of napkins. And the cashier said, “I can’t give you a lid for your drink or you won’t be able to drink it,” and she pointed at the previous customer holding a drink. That is when I threw ...

Johnny learns fast…

Teacher: “Why did you laugh?”
Boy 1: “I saw a strap of your bra.”
Teacher: “Please stay out of school for one week.”

Boy 2 laughed…
Teacher: “Why did you laugh?”
Boy 2: “I saw both your bra straps.”
Teacher: “Suspended from school for one month.”

Teacher bent down to pic...

Sometimes, someone unexpected comes into your life out of nowhere, makes your heart beat fast, and changes your life forever.

We call those people cops around here.

Why are masterless samurai so fast?

Because they are always ronin.

Police officer: Why were you driving so fast?

Me: I was trying to get to the gas station before I ran out of gas.

A smart guy and a fast guy walk into a bar.

The bartender asks: "Is it better to be smarter or fast?"

The fast guy says, "Fast because if you are working at a nuclear power plant and there is an accident, you can run away."

The smart guy says, "It's better to be smart because then you wouldn't be working at a nuclear power plant...

The Olive Garden should sponsor The Fast and Furious franchise.

Because when you are there, you are Family.

How fast is your Father ?

Three little boys were sitting around bragging about how fast their fathers were.

The first little boy said “My Daddy drives race cars, and goes over 200 miles an hour !”

The second little boy said “That’s nothin’. My Daddy flies jet airplanes faster than the speed of sound !”

T...

Everytime I eat fast food I can talk to dead people...

Maybe I should quit ordering the medium fries.

Little Johny tells his teacher he is fast at math.

LJ: “Teacher, I am fast at math.”

T: “Ok. Then what is 2132 * 326?”

LJ: “371”

T: “That’s not even close”

LJ: “But it was fast”

I’m not sure how fast the average horse can run

I think I should conduct a gallop poll.

Why are shooting stars so fast? (x-post from /dadjokes)

They’re traveling light.

What Do You Get When You Mix Breaking Bad With Fast Food?

Walter Whitecastle, aka “Heisenburger”.

I wish my cereal didn't get soggy so fast.

But Life is often disappointing.

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