This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

This asshole thought that just because some fancy, expensive vehicle, he could go as fast as he wanted and weave inbetween cars. So I got in front of him and slowed down to 10kmph below the speed limit lmao

Fuckin ambulances I swear

How fast was Thor’s hammer destroyed?

Hela Fast.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A cowboy sees a bunch of American Indians on the horizon and thinks: ''I'm fucked...'', but a voice in the back of his head says: ''Not so fast! Kill the chief!!!''

''What?! Why?'' - thinks the cowboy.

''Just kill the chief!'' - says the voice.

The cowboy hesitated a bit more and than drew his gun and shot the chief.

As the chief was falling from his horse the voice in the cowboy's head said: ''*Now* you're fucked...''

Why do jewish people love breaking their fast with sweet potatoes?

So that they can properly celebrate Yam kippur.

An English man and an Irish man are driving head-on, at night, on a twisty, dark road. Both are driving too fast

for the conditions and collide on a sharp bend in the road. To the amazement of both, they are unscathed, though their cars are both destroyed. In celebration of their luck, both agree to put aside their dislike for the other from that moment on. At this point, the Englishman goes to the boot and fe...

How do you call a boy that grew really fast?

Boy that escalated quickly.


I'm sorry...

Studies say it’s hard to breathe fast while your tongue is out

Good dog

22 goes by so fast.

Be sure to enjoy your twenty second year.

Two Americans were walking in the Arabian desert one morning, when they come across a mosque.

They hadn't had food or water for days, and thought maybe the people in the mosque would give them some.

"Ok, Joe, we will tell these people we are Muslims, and maybe they will give us some food and something to drink. You'll be Hassan, and I'll be Muhammed", said Roger.

"No way, man. ...

The year is 1944. The Americans are advancing fast. Adolf Hitler is furious and starts to listen to defensive tactics proposed by his commanders...

The first commander suggests they pull out the tanks from the Eastern front and deploy them in the Western front, so that the defenses there would be hard to go past.

"Are you crazy? That's a horrible idea!" Hitler exclaimed.

The second commander steps in and suggests a horrible idea f...

They could reboot the Fast and Furious franchise movies as Pirate movies and call them Avast ye Furious

Because they should stop and not do that

A turtle and the snails

A turtle is crossing the road when he’s mugged by two snails. When the police show up, they ask him what happened. The shaken turtle replies, “I don’t know. It all happened so fast.”

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

[NSFW] How fast can a woman fuck?

Only 68 miles per hour. At 69, she flips over and blows a rod

I've got a great idea for a NBA themed Fast Food restaurant. I call it...

Shake-Shaq

My drug dealer delivers so fast I nicknamed him...

Instagram

My wife and I are driving to work, running late. How fast would we have to go to both get ahead?

69 of course!

Sorry my first ever post here is pretty silly but made me smile on the way to work this morning so thought I’d share.

A young man with a few hours to spare one afternoon figures that if he hurries and plays very fast

**A young man with a few hours** to spare one afternoon figures that if he hurries and plays very fast, he can get in nine holes before he has to head home. As he is about to tee off, an old gentleman shuffles onto the tee and asks if he can join him. Although worried this will slow him up, the youn...

How fast is a grizzly bear

Two guyes are hiking in the mountains. They stumble on an angry grizzly bear. The one guy bends down to tighten his shoelaces. What, asked the other guy, do you really think you can out run a grizzly bear? Nope, answered the first guy, but I know I can out run you

Why didn’t they ever stop for gas in the Fast and Furious movies?

They had Vin Diesel.

An electron is driving really fast...

...when a cop pulls it over.

"Do you even know how fast you were going there?" Asks the cop.

"Of course," replies the electron, "I knew exactly how fast I was going. But I thought this was the highway!"

"The highway?" The cop asks, shocked. "Do you even know where you are?"
<...

Interviewer: It says here on your resume that you're extremely fast at calculations. What is 25 x 14?

Candidate : 39!

Interviewer: What? That's not even close!

Candidate : Yeah, but it was quick!

The Fast and the Furious 10 title should be dedicated to Paul Walker

Fast 10: Your Seatbelts

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

The second fastest thing in the world is how fast your anus closes after squeezing out a turd. The fastest?

That one drop of water.

I just gave up watching the Fast and the Furious

Too many spoilers

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A boss said to his secretary, "I want to have SEX with you I will make it very fast...

A boss said to his secretary, "I want to have SEX with you and I will make it very fast. I'll throw $1000 on the floor, by the time you bend down to pick it I'll be done." She thought for a moment then called her boyfriend and told him the story. Her boyfriend then said to her, do it but "Ask him ...

My miniature Siberian dog is gaining weight too fast.

He’s a little Husky.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Fast Eddie

Eddie wanted desperately to have sex with this really cute, really hot girl in his office... But she was dating someone else.
One day Eddie got so frustrated that he went to her and said, 'I'll give you $100 if you let me have sex with you'...
The girl looked at him, and then said, 'NO!' ...

I really wanna watch Fast and the Furious

But the spoilers ruined it for me

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A Chinese woman goes to a local fast food restaurant.

The cashier: “What can I get you ma’am?”

The woman orders.

The cashier then jumps over the counter and begins groping and attempting to kiss the woman in public,

The woman freaks out and pushed him away screaming “Why you do dis??”

The cashier says: “You said you wanted ...

How fast can Captain Underpants travel?

The speedoflight.

My galfriend and I role play "The Fast and the Furious" in bed.

Me and her, respectively.

Jim asks his formerly obese friend Phil how he has lost weight so fast

Phil replies, "I tell you my secret. There's this clinic I went to. They have a special program that makes you lose weight incredibly fast. Here's the address."

&#x200B;

So next weekend Jim has his first appointment at the clinic. He is welcomed by the doctor who sends him upstairs...

Doctors hate this one easy trick to lose 15 lbs fast!

The flu.

Where do fast food places get those square fish for the filet-o-fish sandwiches?

From the asquarium.

Why do the French like eating snails?

Because they dislike fast food

Why do things get built so fast in Finland?

Because as soon as they start it’s Finnish.

Donald Trump Got Into Politics Too Fast

Some may say he was rush'n.

Why do people drive so fast in New Jersey?

So as to get the f\*ck out of New Jersey.

A journalist asked the master programmer how he code so fast?

"No comments."

A guy walks into a bar, orders 12 shots and starts drinking them as fast as he can...

The bartender asks, "Dang, why are you drinking so fast?"


The guy says, "You would be drinking fast, too, if you had what I had."


The bartender asks, "What do you have?"


The guy says, "75 cents."

Why wasn't Taco Bell featured at the White House's fast food feast?

Because Trump would have expected them to pay for the whole meal.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I got thrown out of math class today.

The teacher asked me "If I gave you $20 and you gave $5 to Katie, $5 to Claire and $5 to Laura, what would you have?"

Apparently, 3 blowjobs and enough left for a kebab wasn't the answer...


EDIT: Holy, this blew up fast. Kind of like when the teacher gives me $20, but less sticky, ...

How can you tell how fast a potato is going?

Check its spud-ometer.

Why do Cannibals go to Germany when they want same fast food?

Because its full of Frankfurters and Hamburgers

2018 is shooting past so fast in the UK....

We're mid-way through November, but it feels like the end of May!

How did the photon get through baggage check at the airport so fast?

It was traveling light.

It’s crazy how fast milk trucks are driven these days...

One blink and they’ve gone pasteurise.

Mommy, mommy why do our family members keep dying so fast?

Mommy?

An elderly couple walk into a fast food restaurant.

They order one hamburger, one order of fries and one drink.

The old man unwraps the plain hamburger and carefully cuts it in half. He places one half in front of his wife. He then carefully counts out the fries, dividing them into two piles and neatly placing one pile in front of his wife. He...

A fast food worker was stocking utensils when he ran out.

He went back to the manager and asked if she could order more.
"We don't need anything," said the manager.


"Okay, but...that's the last straw."

What’s the best way to loose weight fast?

Drop your wallet in England, up to hundreds of pounds gone in seconds

Who are the fastest readers of the world?

9/11 victins, they blew through 60 stories in a second.

The Parish Fast Food Shop

One day, the local parish decided to open a fast food restaurant, so they can make some more money on the side as church attendance was dropping. Being the smart people that they were, they divided themselves so each person does one job.

The fast food restaurant was doing quite well, and the...

Drinking Fast, Drinking Slow

Many years ago I used to tend bar and this old, very drunk but drunk like he'd been drunk for 30 years kind of drunk man sat at my bar. He said, "Son, I'd like you to pour me 6 shots of Louis XIII."


So I poured him the shots at the bar and he just starts downing them 1 shot, 2 shot, 3 ...

I used to play guitar in my room when I was a child, and it was my dream to make it big. Fast forward twenty years, and now I play to thousands of people a week.

If only some of them gave me their change.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

If you see someone pacing fast to the toilet, you'd know...

...shits about to go down.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Learning about sex by watching porn is like learning to drive by watching Fast and Furious

It's angrier, quicker and much more to do with family than real life.

Why do the French like to eat snails so much?

They can't stand fast food.

It's my first post on Reddit. Hope you like it.

Did you know that Milk is the fastest liquid on earth?

It's pasteurized before you even see it.

Him: "I drive like lightning" Her: "So you drive fast?"

Him: "No, I hit trees."

Cop: know how fast u were going;

Me: obviously. I have a speedometer.
Cop: i know that
Me: then why did u ask
Cop: [looking down moving toe around the dirt] I just wanted to talk

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A teacher asks her students to use the word fascinate in a sentence.

First she calls on Sussy. "My dad and I went to the movies and we were fascinated!" Sussy says.
"Well that's pretty good, but I wanted you to use fascinate not fascinated."

So she calls on Mary next. "My family went to the zoo, and it was fascinating!" Mary says.
"That's not bad either,...

I can teach you how to break dance so fast

It'll make your headspin

How do you get rich fast?

Don't let him eat during day

I've calculated the name for the next Fast & Furious movie...

Fast 10: Your Seatbelts

What does The Walking Dead, Game of Thrones and Fast and Furious have in common?

All their Walkers are dead

I can fall asleep really fast after I whack off

It's really come in handy

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Breaking News: Japanese researchers have developed a camera with a shutter speed so fast...

It can actually capture an image of a woman with her mouth shut.

Two priests decided to open a fast food joint.

The first became a fish friar, while the other became a chip monk.

I finally got around to buying marijuana stocks. They went down in flames at least as fast as any other pot I have ever bought.

I need a joint

Some old men can still think fast.

An elderly man in Louisiana owned a large farm for several years.  
He had a large pond in the back. It was properly shaped for swimming, so he fixed it up nice with picnic tables, horseshoe  courts, and some apple and peach trees. 
One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, to...

I called up the doctor and said, "Doctor, my wife is going into labor and her contractions are coming really fast! What should I do?!" He asked, "Is this her first child?"

"No! This is her husband!"

The last four presidents of the USA each ran one mile.

Trump made a time of 11:56

Clinton was slightly faster, timing at 11:31

Obama was very fast, he ran a 10:03

But Bush did 9:11

Fast enough, I think . . .

A farmer was helping one of his cows give birth, when he noticed his four year old son standing at the fence, taking in the whole event.

The man thought to himself, “Great. He’s four and I’m gonna have to start explaining the birds and the bees. No need to jump the gun – I’ll just let him ask...

Joke: Late one night a man is driving down the road, speeding quite a bit. A cop notices how fast he is going and pulls him over. The cop says to the man, "Are you aware of how fast you were going?"

The man replies, "Yes I am. I'm trying to escape a robbery I got involved in."
The cop gives him a skeptical look and says, "Were you the one being robbed?"
The man casually replies, "No, I committed the robbery."
The cop looks shocked that the man admitted this. "So you're telling me yo...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Which fast food joint would you like to see in space?

Personally, I'd love to see Five Guys on Uranus

There was a really fast runner who was admitted to an asylum.

He did his time and was released as a "rehabilitated man".

The day he was discharged his father came to pick him up.
His father approached him and asked one question :- "So...Usain?"

What do you use to tell how fast an Olympic swimmer is going?

A speedo meter

I wrote a review for the Fast and Furious movies...

Ok so all of the cars have this little fin on the back and...

Oops, I forgot to warn people, this contains spoilers.

Going around corners too fast...

...that's how I roll

Everytime I eat fast food I can talk to dead people...

Maybe I should quit ordering the medium fries.

When four of Santa's elves got sick and the trainee elves didn't produce the toys as fast as the regular ones, Santa was beginning to feel the pressure of being behind schedule…

Then Mrs. Claus told Santa that her mom was coming to visit.

This stressed Santa even more.

When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two had jumped the fence and were out, heaven knows where.

More stress.

Then, when he...

First rule of Fast Food management:

Always put the employee with the worst accent on the drive-through.

They just announced the next Fast and Furious movie where they will go undercover as ride share drivers in Asia

It's called Tokyo Lyft

What’s fast but doesn’t weigh very much?

Light speed

What do you call a Cheetah that you're gonna eat for lunch?

Fast food.

Girls are always so impressed with how fast I can take a bra off

But generally, they’re not too happy that I was wearing one in the first place.

A dung beetle goes for fast food...

Orders a Number 2

[long] A snail in a fast car

By some quirk of fortune a snail gained sentience and ended up winning the lottery. With his new found wealth he was pondering what to do so he hatched a plan. He headed off down to his nearest Porsche dealership and when he arrived 2 weeks later he crawled up to the salesman.

"excuse me" the...

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