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This asshole thought that just because some fancy, expensive vehicle, he could go as fast as he wanted and weave inbetween cars. So I got in front of him and slowed down to 10kmph below the speed limit lmao

Fuckin ambulances I swear

Late one night a man is driving down the road, speeding quite a bit. A cop notices how fast he is going and pulls him over

The cop says to the man, "Are you aware of how fast you were going?"
The man replies, "Yes I am. I'm trying to escape a robbery I got involved in."
The cop gives him a skeptical look and says, "Were you the one being robbed?"
The man casually replies, "No, I committed the robbery."...

Heisenberg was speeding down the highway. A cop pulls him over and says, "Do you have any idea how fast you were going back there?"

Heisenberg says, "No, but I knew where I was."

Did you hear that the new Fast and Furious movie will only have one character?

The whole thing is Ludacris!

I was told to stop eating fast food

so I ate a turtle

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New in the fast-food market: Oedipus Fried Chicken

>!It's motherfucking good!!<

Why are hackers fast?

Because they're rushin'.

An English man and an Irish man are driving head-on, at night, on a twisty, dark road. Both are driving too fast

for the conditions and collide on a sharp bend in the road. To the amazement of both, they are unscathed, though their cars are both destroyed. In celebration of their luck, both agree to put aside their dislike for the other from that moment on. At this point, the Englishman goes to the boot and fe...

A soldier looks at the sky and suddenly yells: "we gotta act fast, it's about to neutralize our base!". His commanding officer says: "What the hell are you talking about, we ain't even at war!?"

The soldier replies: "Acid rain".

How fast was Thor’s hammer destroyed?

Hela Fast.

My fast food addiction is really starting to cause me issues.

For starters, I can't find anywhere in New York that does a decent cheetah sandwich.

Oh, have you heard about the new Spanish fast food place?

I think it’s called KFSí.

How does Harry Potter get down a hill really fast?

Running. (Jk, rolling)

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If you run around a tree twice as fast as light

You can fuck your own ass

A hunter had been out hunting bear all day, when he came across a fast flowing river.

The water was nice and cool, so he set his rifle down and began to splash water on his face to cool down from the many hours of hunting. The hunter looked up just a monster Grizzly Bear was charging at him full speed roaring like a freight train. Then about 20 yards out the hunter dropped to his kne...

A fast food employee dropped my burger patty on the floor before serving it to me.

They said it was ground beef.

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A man was pulled over for driving too fast, even though he thought he was driving just fine.

Officer: You were speeding.
Man: No, I wasn't.
Officer: Yes, you were. I'm giving you a ticket.
Man: But I wasn't speeding.
Officer: Tell that to the judge! (The officer gives man the ticket.)
Man: Would I get another ticket if I called you a jerk?
Officer: Yes, you wou...

SEGA has decided to release a game about a guy that won't let other people queue for religious events. Instead he always runs really fast to the front.

Sonic the hajj-hog.

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A cowboy sees a bunch of American Indians on the horizon and thinks: ''I'm fucked...'', but a voice in the back of his head says: ''Not so fast! Kill the chief!!!''

''What?! Why?'' - thinks the cowboy.

''Just kill the chief!'' - says the voice.

The cowboy hesitated a bit more and than drew his gun and shot the chief.

As the chief was falling from his horse the voice in the cowboy's head said: ''*Now* you're fucked...''

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Salon and Fast food

The hair salon near where I live, has a special offer where you get free McDonalds whilst you wait for your color to set. . .

It's called "Eat crap & dye".

What do you call a fast zombie?

A zoombie.

A man brags before his friend : "I'm very fast at calculus !"

So his friend, curious now, asks :

\- 72043 divided by 17 ?

The man immediately replies :

\- 6.

\- But... that's wrong!

\- Yep. But it's fast!

You’re speeding down a road when you see red and blue lights in your rearview mirror...

You tense up and pull over to the side of the road. The cop pulls over behind you on a police motorcycle. You’re perspiring hastily at the thought of getting a ticket. The cop approaches your vehicle and says “Do you know how fast you were growing?”

You say “Yes officer, I was going fifteen ...

My wife wanted something that would go 0-100 very fast for her birthday

So i gave her a scale


(0-100 in kg's)

Our local monastery has opened a fast food outlet.

I went in and said to the guy "Hi, are you the deep fat friar?"

He said "No, I'm the chip monk."

Jennifer's wedding day was fast approaching.

Nothing could dampen her excitement - not even her parent's nasty divorce.

Her mother had found the PERFECT dress to wear, and would be the best-dressed mother-of-the-bride ever!

A week later, Jennifer was horrified to learn that her father's new, young wife had bought the exact same...

Fast one.

One day, a new worker named Mitz Johnson got into trouble for slacking in work. As a result, he had to immediately report to the Chief Administrative Officer Joe Keller. Unfortunately, Joe had a twin brother, Samuel, who was also in the business. Mitz accidentally reported to Samuel's office instead...

My drug dealer delivers so fast I nicknamed him...

Instagram

Which fast food chain would be a good basketball player?

Dunkin' Donuts

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[NSFW] How fast can a woman fuck?

Only 68 miles per hour. At 69, she flips over and blows a rod

Why do jewish people love breaking their fast with sweet potatoes?

So that they can properly celebrate Yam kippur.

A young man with a few hours to spare one afternoon figures that if he hurries and plays very fast

**A young man with a few hours** to spare one afternoon figures that if he hurries and plays very fast, he can get in nine holes before he has to head home. As he is about to tee off, an old gentleman shuffles onto the tee and asks if he can join him. Although worried this will slow him up, the youn...

I've got a great idea for a NBA themed Fast Food restaurant. I call it...

Shake-Shaq

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The year is 1944. The Americans are advancing fast. Adolf Hitler is furious and starts to listen to defensive tactics proposed by his commanders...

The first commander suggests they pull out the tanks from the Eastern front and deploy them in the Western front, so that the defenses there would be hard to go past.

"Are you crazy? That's a horrible idea!" Hitler exclaimed.

The second commander steps in and suggests a horrible idea f...

when the cops raided the warehouse, the crack dealers were fast asleep while production was going on

this was a case of a rested development.

How do you call a boy that grew really fast?

Boy that escalated quickly.


I'm sorry...

An electron is driving really fast...

...when a cop pulls it over.

"Do you even know how fast you were going there?" Asks the cop.

"Of course," replies the electron, "I knew exactly how fast I was going. But I thought this was the highway!"

"The highway?" The cop asks, shocked. "Do you even know where you are?"
<...

Two Americans were walking in the Arabian desert one morning, when they come across a mosque.

They hadn't had food or water for days, and thought maybe the people in the mosque would give them some.

"Ok, Joe, we will tell these people we are Muslims, and maybe they will give us some food and something to drink. You'll be Hassan, and I'll be Muhammed", said Roger.

"No way, man. ...

My wife and I are driving to work, running late. How fast would we have to go to both get ahead?

69 of course!

Sorry my first ever post here is pretty silly but made me smile on the way to work this morning so thought I’d share.

What did the fast tomato say to the slow tomato?

Ketchup!


.. im so sorry

Studies say it’s hard to breathe fast while your tongue is out

Good dog

22 goes by so fast.

Be sure to enjoy your twenty second year.

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The second fastest thing in the world is how fast your anus closes after squeezing out a turd. The fastest?

That one drop of water.

I just gave up watching the Fast and the Furious

Too many spoilers

They could reboot the Fast and Furious franchise movies as Pirate movies and call them Avast ye Furious

Because they should stop and not do that

Why didn’t they ever stop for gas in the Fast and Furious movies?

They had Vin Diesel.

Interviewer: It says here on your resume that you're extremely fast at calculations. What is 25 x 14?

Candidate : 39!

Interviewer: What? That's not even close!

Candidate : Yeah, but it was quick!

The Fast and the Furious 10 title should be dedicated to Paul Walker

Fast 10: Your Seatbelts

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Fast Eddie

Eddie wanted desperately to have sex with this really cute, really hot girl in his office... But she was dating someone else.
One day Eddie got so frustrated that he went to her and said, 'I'll give you $100 if you let me have sex with you'...
The girl looked at him, and then said, 'NO!' ...

How fast is a grizzly bear

Two guyes are hiking in the mountains. They stumble on an angry grizzly bear. The one guy bends down to tighten his shoelaces. What, asked the other guy, do you really think you can out run a grizzly bear? Nope, answered the first guy, but I know I can out run you

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I got thrown out of math class today.

The teacher asked me "If I gave you $20 and you gave $5 to Katie, $5 to Claire and $5 to Laura, what would you have?"

Apparently, 3 blowjobs and enough left for a kebab wasn't the answer...


EDIT: Holy, this blew up fast. Kind of like when the teacher gives me $20, but less sticky, ...

My miniature Siberian dog is gaining weight too fast.

He’s a little Husky.

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A Chinese woman goes to a local fast food restaurant.

The cashier: “What can I get you ma’am?”

The woman orders.

The cashier then jumps over the counter and begins groping and attempting to kiss the woman in public,

The woman freaks out and pushed him away screaming “Why you do dis??”

The cashier says: “You said you wanted ...

I really wanna watch Fast and the Furious

But the spoilers ruined it for me

How fast can Captain Underpants travel?

The speedoflight.

Why wasn't Taco Bell featured at the White House's fast food feast?

Because Trump would have expected them to pay for the whole meal.

My galfriend and I role play "The Fast and the Furious" in bed.

Me and her, respectively.

Jim asks his formerly obese friend Phil how he has lost weight so fast

Phil replies, "I tell you my secret. There's this clinic I went to. They have a special program that makes you lose weight incredibly fast. Here's the address."



So next weekend Jim has his first appointment at the clinic. He is welcomed by the doctor who sends him upstairs to the firs...

Why do things get built so fast in Finland?

Because as soon as they start it’s Finnish.

Why do the French like eating snails?

Because they dislike fast food

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Learning about sex by watching porn is like learning to drive by watching Fast and Furious

It's angrier, quicker and much more to do with family than real life.

How did the photon get through baggage check at the airport so fast?

It was traveling light.

2018 is shooting past so fast in the UK....

We're mid-way through November, but it feels like the end of May!

Him: "I drive like lightning" Her: "So you drive fast?"

Him: "No, I hit trees."

Did you know that Milk is the fastest liquid on earth?

It's pasteurized before you even see it.

A journalist asked the master programmer how he code so fast?

"No comments."

A guy walks into a bar, orders 12 shots and starts drinking them as fast as he can...

The bartender asks, "Dang, why are you drinking so fast?"


The guy says, "You would be drinking fast, too, if you had what I had."


The bartender asks, "What do you have?"


The guy says, "75 cents."

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A teacher asks her students to use the word fascinate in a sentence.

First she calls on Sussy. "My dad and I went to the movies and we were fascinated!" Sussy says.
"Well that's pretty good, but I wanted you to use fascinate not fascinated."

So she calls on Mary next. "My family went to the zoo, and it was fascinating!" Mary says.
"That's not bad either,...

Where do fast food places get those square fish for the filet-o-fish sandwiches?

From the asquarium.

What does The Walking Dead, Game of Thrones and Fast and Furious have in common?

All their Walkers are dead

An elderly couple walk into a fast food restaurant.

They order one hamburger, one order of fries and one drink.

The old man unwraps the plain hamburger and carefully cuts it in half. He places one half in front of his wife. He then carefully counts out the fries, dividing them into two piles and neatly placing one pile in front of his wife. He...

How can you tell how fast a potato is going?

Check its spud-ometer.

Mommy, mommy why do our family members keep dying so fast?

Mommy?

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If you see someone pacing fast to the toilet, you'd know...

...shits about to go down.

What’s the best way to loose weight fast?

Drop your wallet in England, up to hundreds of pounds gone in seconds

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Breaking News: Japanese researchers have developed a camera with a shutter speed so fast...

It can actually capture an image of a woman with her mouth shut.

Donald Trump Got Into Politics Too Fast

Some may say he was rush'n.

Why do the French like to eat snails so much?

They can't stand fast food.

It's my first post on Reddit. Hope you like it.

It’s crazy how fast milk trucks are driven these days...

One blink and they’ve gone pasteurise.

Drinking Fast, Drinking Slow

Many years ago I used to tend bar and this old, very drunk but drunk like he'd been drunk for 30 years kind of drunk man sat at my bar. He said, "Son, I'd like you to pour me 6 shots of Louis XIII."


So I poured him the shots at the bar and he just starts downing them 1 shot, 2 shot, 3 ...

A fast food worker was stocking utensils when he ran out.

He went back to the manager and asked if she could order more.
"We don't need anything," said the manager.


"Okay, but...that's the last straw."

Why do people drive so fast in New Jersey?

So as to get the f\*ck out of New Jersey.

The Parish Fast Food Shop

One day, the local parish decided to open a fast food restaurant, so they can make some more money on the side as church attendance was dropping. Being the smart people that they were, they divided themselves so each person does one job.

The fast food restaurant was doing quite well, and the...

Cop: know how fast u were going;

Me: obviously. I have a speedometer.
Cop: i know that
Me: then why did u ask
Cop: [looking down moving toe around the dirt] I just wanted to talk

I used to play guitar in my room when I was a child, and it was my dream to make it big. Fast forward twenty years, and now I play to thousands of people a week.

If only some of them gave me their change.

I can teach you how to break dance so fast

It'll make your headspin

The last four presidents of the USA each ran one mile.

Trump made a time of 11:56

Clinton was slightly faster, timing at 11:31

Obama was very fast, he ran a 10:03

But Bush did 9:11

Some old men can still think fast.

An elderly man in Louisiana owned a large farm for several years.  
He had a large pond in the back. It was properly shaped for swimming, so he fixed it up nice with picnic tables, horseshoe  courts, and some apple and peach trees. 
One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, to...

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