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Intelligent Jokes

What do you call intelligent people in America?

Tourists.

Intelligent life?

In space, two aliens are talking to each other.

The first alien says, "The dominant life forms on the Earth planet have developed satellite-based nuclear weapons."

The second alien asks, "Are they an emerging intelligence?"

The first alien says, "I don't think so, they have ...

My grandfather was a very intelligent man.

He was an inventor. He invented the cold air balloon. Only problem was it never really took off.

What do you call an intelligent blonde?

A golden retriever!

Koi fish are incredibly intelligent, and naturally form groups of four fish, with each having a specialized role.

The group is always led by a “leader fish”, called koi A. The other three fish will follow it everywhere.

Koi B is in charge of hunting for the group, and will report back to them with the location of food.

Koi C is usually a large, aggressive female. She protects the group from thre...

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Once a Bright and Intelligent young man went for interview.There he was asked...

Q 1. When did your country got Independence?

He answered - The efforts started long back; but could succeed in 1928.

Q 2. Who were the persons, who played important role in this fight for Independence?

Answer - There are many people, who were involved and contributed in this. If...

99.9% of people are idiots.

Fortunately, I belong to the 1% of intelligent people

Most Intelligent But Funniest

An engineer, a physicist and a mathematicians have to build a fence around a flock of sheep, using as little material as possible. The engineer forms the flock into a circular shape and constructs a fence around it. The physicist builds a fence with an infinite diameter and pulls it together until i...

As a Nevadan, I'm tired of people insinuating that we can't count. We are a great state filled with intelligent people. In fact, I can list off 20 ways we are better than our neighboring states.

Just let me take my shoes and socks off first.

Intelligent animals

Dolphins are highly intelligent animals. American scientists proved that after only a brief time in captivity, they are able to train humans to stand at the edge of the pool and toss them bits of fish.

intelligent monkey

A Grandmother buys a bag of peanuts so her Grandson can feed the monkeys at the Zoo. Upon receiving a peanut one monkey inserted the hull rectally, nodded, then extracted and devoured it. The Grandmother informed the Head Zookeeper of the animals' aberrant behavior, saying " That monkey is either p...

Donald Trump is in Berlin for his first state visit with Angela Merkel. Trump quickly asks what the secret of her great success is.

Merkel tells him you just have to have a lot of intelligent people around you.

"How do you know so quickly if someone is intelligent?" asks Trump.

"Let me demonstrate." She picks up the phone, calls Wolfgang Schäuble and asks him a question, "Mr. Schäuble, it's your father's son, but i...

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A Greek and an Italian are arguing which nation is the more intelligent

So the Greek says "we invented sex!"


To which the Italian responds "and we decided to do it with women"

The woman asks her husband: "Do you prefer a beautiful woman or an intelligent woman?"

The husband replies: "None of them, you know I only like you!".





What do you call an elevator filled with rational, intelligent people?

A lift.

Why is a German stone intelligent?

Because its not just a stone, it's ein Stein

Very few people know this, but legendary motorcycle daredevil Evel Knievel was a very intelligent man, and had the same IQ as professor Stephen Hawking.

They also shared a love of ramps.

What do you call an intelligent cocaine?

A wise-crack.
And a cocaine who makes a lot of jokes?
A wisecracking wise-crack.

Two Intelligent Blondes

A blonde woman was speeding down the road in her little red sports car and was pulled over by a woman police officer who was also a blonde.

The blonde cop asked to see the blonde driver's license. She dug through her purse and was getting progressively more agitated." What does it look like?"...

Intelligent Crows

When I was in school, some professors noticed that the crows on campus were astoundingly intelligent. These crows recognized that when lights were green, cars could go and when they were red, cars would stop. Using this knowledge, the crows would put nuts on the crosswalk so that during a green ligh...

Nothing is more threatening than an intelligent woman

Oh, really?

How about an intelligent woman, with a knife

What do you call an intelligent sloth?

Slo-mo sapiens

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Intelligent life

The U.N. wanted to contact other worlds in hopes of finding intelligent life in the vast of space. So they gathered all of earth greatest minds to work together to complete such a task. After years of failing to reach life in space, the program was starting to crumple and the top minds abandoned shi...

You know what happened to humanity's most intelligent ancestor?

He decided having kids wasn't worth it.

To make a fool love you, praise their intelligence...

...but you already knew that, because you're so intelligent.

I became best friends with my artificially intelligent remote control quadcopter named "ROTOR".

He is my **pal** n **drone**.

Like humans look for intelligent civilizations in the universe

There must be an ultra intelligent alien civilization, looking for intelligent life. Maybe they have already found us but not contacted because they were looking for intelligent life.

LAWYER: Now sir, I'm sure you are an intelligent and honest man.

WITNESS: Thank you. If I weren't under oath, I'd return the compliment.

What was the name of the most intelligent Spanish conquistador?

Cerebral Cortez.

My friend thinks he's intelligent. He told me an onion is the only food that makes you cry,

so I threw a coconut at his face.

Intelligent life forms

Why is it that when man searches for intelligent life forms they direct the sensors away from the earth?

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Donald Trump meets the Queen...

Donald Trump meets with the Queen. He asks her, "Your Majesty, how do you run such an efficient government? Are there any tips you can give to me?"

"Well," says the Queen, "the most important thing is to surround yourself with intelligent people."

Trump frowns. "But how do I know the p...

Super Intelligent Student

Teacher: whoever answers my next question, can go home.

One boy throws his bag out the window.

Teacher: who just threw that?!
Boy: Me! and I’m going home now.

How many honest, intelligent, caring men in the world does it take to do the dishes?

Both of them.

What do you call friendly and intelligent Reddit users?

Bots.

Scientists recently dicovered a new dinosaur that was very intelligent

Its called Thesaurus

A teacher is teaching a class of kids about intelligence

She explains what intelligence is and then

Teacher: people opposite to intelligent are called stupid. Now how many of you think of yourselves as stupid, stand up.

She waits to see if someone would stand up but no one does. After a long while, finally a kid stands up.

Teacher: Do...

Have you heard about the Angel of Death that's not so intelligent?

The Dim Reaper?

Walking hand in hand, a daughter looks up at her father and asks, "Daddy, what did YOU want to name me?"

"Zelda honey," he responded, "I wanted to name you Zelda. But on the night you were born, mommy said there was no way I was naming you Zelda. You see honey, mommy went through a lot that night, and I was in no position to win naming rights."

"But why Zelda?" she asked.

"Bec...

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Three handsome male dogs are walking down the street when they see a beautiful, enticing, female Poodle.

The three male dogs fall all over themselves in an effort to be the one to reach her first, but end up arriving in front of her at the same time.

The males are speechless before her beauty, slobbering on themselves and hoping for just a glance from her in return.

Aware of her charms ...

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What do you call an intelligent prostitute?

A fucking genius!

It's a well known fact that humorists are more intelligent than the run of the mill average joe on the street. It's also a well known fact that it's not always a good idea to flaunt those extra smarts.

One day, the royal court was lounging around in a bored state. Without thinking, the jester suddenly voiced an opinion, "You know, there are times when the apology for an offense is worse than the original action."

The king immediately glowers and says, "If you can't prove that, Jester, I thi...

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Intelligent Blonde Joke

A guy gets on a plane, and finds himself seated next to a cute blonde. He turns to her and makes his move. He says, "You know, I heard that flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger...so let's talk."

The blonde asks "Okay, what would you like to discuss?"...

4 people are on a crashing plane, but there are only 3 parachutes.

The first person the grab a parachute is Brad Pitt and as he reachs for the door he says, "My family and my fans need me surely you will understand.", off he goes.

The next person to grab one is Donald Trump:
"Im the most intellegent president this nation ever saw i will do great things...

intelligent student

Student would you punish me for some thing i did not do? Teacher no , of course not.Student good, because i did not do my homework.

Reddit's being overrun by an evil cabal of hyper-intelligent cow-people, and I have proof!

[remoooved]

What do you call an elevator with a group of slim, softly spoken, intelligent people inside?

A Lift

(only a joke, my American friends)

What’s the best part of dating an intelligent person?

Mind *blown*

The intelligent dog

Roxy, a large black Labrador, was sitting up in his seat at the movies, wagging his tail, growling at the villain and barking excitedly at the hero’s escapades. The woman in the seat behind him was intrigued.
“Excuse me,” she said, tapping Roxy’s owner on the shoulder, “that dog is extraordinary....

An intelligent young lady, Miss Bright

She travelled far faster than light,

Leaving one day in a relative way,

Arriving home the previous night.

African Grey Parrots are famously intelligent, but studies have shown that they consistently lose chess matches against ravens, jackdaws, and other corvids.

Said one researcher, "They just have trouble weighing the crows and pawns."

Back in the Middle Ages, horses were actually more intelligent than humans!

There were so many smart horses that every knight could have a Nobel Steed!

Little johnny's intelligent answer

Finding one of her students making faces at others on the playground, Ms. Smith stopped to gently reprimand the child. Smiling sweetly, the Sunday school teacher said, "Johnny, when I was a little girl, I was told if that I made ugly faces, it would freeze and I would stay like that." Little Johnny...

The neurosurgeon thinks he runs his practice very intelligently...

...but his patients are the real brains of the operation.

I was going to post a humorous, witty and intelligent time travel joke...

But you guys downvoted it.

Why do Artificially Intelligent systems fear popcorn?

Kernel panic.

Donald Trump must be a very intelligent man.

I can't understand what he's saying half the time.

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Intelligent boss :D

A boss said to his secretary I want to have SEX with you I will make it very fast. I'll throw$1000 on the floor, by the time you bend down to pick it I'll be done. She thought for a moment then called her boyfriend and told him the story. Her boyfriend then saidto her, do it but "Ask him for$2000, p...

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A team of archaeologists were excavating in Israel when they found…

A team of archaeologists were excavating in Israel when they found a cave with the symbols of a woman, a donkey, a shovel, a fish and a Star of David on the wall.

Pointing to the first drawing,
the head of the team declared: “This indicates these people were family oriented and held women...

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2 aliens patrolling the universe looking for intelligent life.

There are these 2 aliens, one new and one seasoned regarding searching the universe for intelligent life.

They come across earth and decide to land out of all places the desert. They are walking for what seems like miles in search of any intelligent life when they come across a gas station.<...

I like to date intelligent girls who are taller than me.

It keeps me on my toes.

Scientists develop the world's most intelligent supercomputer.

After years of hard work an army of scientists, programers and mathematicians have succeeded in developing the world's most intelligent supercomputer. This computer, with enough time can answer any question. The scientists go about asking it questions which significantly impact the world. Many quest...

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What's the most intelligent kind of porn?

Bookake

Once we meet intelligent extraterrestrials, discrimination will get a whole new dimension

Just for you to know, I am on your side, you are my species!

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Every Man needs a Beautiful wife, intelligent wife, caring wife, loving wife, sexy wife, adjusting & cooperative wife.

But it's sad that law allows only one wife.

Do you know why all the O2 molecules are intelligent?

Because an stupid one would be an Oxy-Moron.

Dolphins are the second most intelligent creatures on the planet second only to man

Pushing down women to third

What do you call a person in the White House who is honest, intelligent, and law-abiding?

A tourist.

Even the most intelligent people can't survive a day without electricity

Like Stephen Hawking

Scientists have discovered that there is intelligent DNA inside of a lot of Women.

Unfortunately, most of them spit it out.

A farmer has 895 sheep.

Realising that this is quite a lot of sheep for one farm, and Jess the sheepdog is getting a bit old, he decides he'll probably need a new dog- no, a whole team of dogs- to round so many sheep up.


So the next day, the farmer goes to the pet store. He looks around at the various herding do...

Angela Merkel visits Donald Trump in Washington

During her stay Trump asks her: "Tell me Chancellor Merkel, what's the secret of your years of success?"

Chancellor Merkel responds: "Well I have always surrounded myself with intelligent people."

"Very interesting", says Trump, "but how exactly do you know if they are intelligent?"<...

There are three kinds of women: the intelligent, the beautiful,

and the majority.

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