What do you call intelligent people in America?

Tourists.

Why is a German stone intelligent?

Because its not just a stone, it's ein Stein

How many honest, intelligent, caring men in the world does it take to do the dishes?

Both of them.

Donald Trump is in Berlin for his first state visit with Angela Merkel. Trump quickly asks what the secret of her great success is.

Merkel tells him you just have to have a lot of intelligent people around you.

"How do you know so quickly if someone is intelligent?" asks Trump.

"Let me demonstrate." She picks up the phone, calls Wolfgang Schäuble and asks him a question, "Mr. Schäuble, it's your father's son, but i...

African Grey Parrots are famously intelligent, but studies have shown that they consistently lose chess matches against ravens, jackdaws, and other corvids.

Said one researcher, "They just have trouble weighing the crows and pawns."

A teacher is teaching a class of kids about intelligence

She explains what intelligence is and then

Teacher: people opposite to intelligent are called stupid. Now how many of you think of yourselves as stupid, stand up.

She waits to see if someone would stand up but no one does. After a long while, finally a kid stands up.

Teacher: Do...

As a Nevadan, I'm tired of people insinuating that we can't count. We are a great state filled with intelligent people. In fact, I can list off 20 ways we are better than our neighboring states.

Just let me take my shoes and socks off first.

Have you heard about the Angel of Death that's not so intelligent?

The Dim Reaper?

You know what happened to humanity's most intelligent ancestor?

He decided having kids wasn't worth it.

What do you call an intelligent cocaine?

A wise-crack.
And a cocaine who makes a lot of jokes?
A wisecracking wise-crack.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Adam said unto the lord...

‘This garden of Eden you have provided, it has endless beauty and boundless supplies of nuts and berries.
But I’ve no one to share it with oh lord.’

The lord was a pretty sharp dude and said unto Adam...

‘Actually I’ve been thinking about that very problem. I can see that you are ...

What was the name of the most intelligent Spanish conquistador?

Cerebral Cortez.

Did you know that people who talk to themselves are scientifically likely to be more intelligent?

Oh, sorry. I wasn't talking to you

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Greek and an Italian are arguing which nation is the more intelligent

So the Greek says "we invented sex!"


To which the Italian responds "and we decided to do it with women"

By nature, Jason was very intelligent but a bit shy. One day he went into a bar, and he saw a stunningly attractive woman sitting alone at a table drinking a white-wine spritzer.

Jason couldn’t take his eyes off this lady, and eventually, he gathered up the courage to walk across and speak to her.

“Hello, I’m Jason. Would you mind if I sat with you and chatted for a while?” asked Jason quietly but politely.

The woman responded by yelling at the top of her voice...

What do you call an intelligent blonde?

A golden retreiver!

Nothing is more threatening than an intelligent woman

Oh, really?

How about an intelligent woman, with a knife

The woman asks her husband: "Do you prefer a beautiful woman or an intelligent woman?"

The husband replies: "None of them, you know I only like you!".





Reddit's being overrun by an evil cabal of hyper-intelligent cow-people, and I have proof!

[remoooved]

What do you call friendly and intelligent Reddit users?

Bots.

What do you call an intelligent sloth?

Slo-mo sapiens

intelligent monkey

A Grandmother buys a bag of peanuts so her Grandson can feed the monkeys at the Zoo. Upon receiving a peanut one monkey inserted the hull rectally, nodded, then extracted and devoured it. The Grandmother informed the Head Zookeeper of the animals' aberrant behavior, saying " That monkey is either p...

Intelligent life?

In space, two aliens are talking to each other.

The first alien says, "The dominant life forms on the Earth planet have developed satellite-based nuclear weapons."

The second alien asks, "Are they an emerging intelligence?"

The first alien says, "I don't think so, they have ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A businessman's talking parrot orders 5,000 barrels of crude oil

A businessman with a talking parrot goes to work. He leaves the parrot behind at home, and the intelligent bird decides to fuck around with his old man.

As soon as the man leaves through the door, the parrot picks up the phone and says, "Hello, I'd like to order 5000 barrels of crude oil."...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Every Man needs a Beautiful wife, intelligent wife, caring wife, loving wife, sexy wife, adjusting & cooperative wife.

But it's sad that law allows only one wife.

Breaking news

Teacher Arrested At Pearson Airport
A high school teacher was arrested today at Toronto's Pearson Airport as he attempted to board a flight while in possession of a ruler, a protractor, a compass, a slide-rule and a calculator.

At a press conference, Premier Kathleen Wynne said she believ...

Intelligent animals

Dolphins are highly intelligent animals. American scientists proved that after only a brief time in captivity, they are able to train humans to stand at the edge of the pool and toss them bits of fish.

My grandfather was a very intelligent man.

He was an inventor. He invented the cold air balloon. Only problem was it never really took off.

The neurosurgeon thinks he runs his practice very intelligently...

...but his patients are the real brains of the operation.

Scientists recently dicovered a new dinosaur that was very intelligent

Its called Thesaurus

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Donald Trump met with the Queen of England, and politely asked her, "Your Majesty, how do you run such an efficient government? Are there any tips you can give me?"

Donald Trump met with the Queen of England, and politely asked her, "Your Majesty, how do you run such an efficient government? Are there any tips you can give me?"

"Well," replied the Queen, "the most important thing is to surround yourself with intelligent people."

Trump frowned, and...

Captain Kirk and Spock are chatting one day...

Kirk: " Spock you always remain so calm and even handed when talking with people who are obviously less intelligent than you. How do you do it? "

Spock: " Well Captain I simply agree with whatever they say."

Kirk: " What? That's absolutely ridiculous! "

Spock: " I completely ...

LAWYER: Now sir, I'm sure you are an intelligent and honest man.

WITNESS: Thank you. If I weren't under oath, I'd return the compliment.

TIL that koi fish are incredibly intelligent, and naturally form groups of four fish, with each having a specialized role.

The group is always led by a “leader fish”, called koi A. The other three fish will follow it everywhere.

Koi B is in charge of hunting for the group, and will report back to them with the location of food.

Koi C is usually a large, aggressive female. She protects the group from thre...

A local business was looking for office help. They put a sign in the window saying: "HELP WANTED. Must be able to type, must be good with a computer and must be bilingual. We are an Equal Opportunity Employer."

A short time afterwards, a dog trotted up to the window, saw the sign and went inside. He looked at the receptionist and wagged his tail, then walked over to the sign, looked at it and whined. Getting the idea, the receptionist got the office manager. The office manager looked at the dog and was sur...

Sherlock and Watson go camping After a nice fire, roasting s'mores, and talking for a few hours, they finally crawl into their tent and go to sleep

In the middle of the night, Sherlock shakes Watson awake. "Tell me Watson" he said "What can you deduce by looking at the stars?"



Watson, slightly puzzled, said "Well, I can deduce by the number of them that the universe must be incredibly vast, and contain billions of stars. Likely...

What’s the best part of dating an intelligent person?

Mind *blown*

A man goes to the doctor.

He tells the doctor he's been hearing strange buzzing noises all week. The sounds come and go at all times of day, but they have been most intense at night. Sometimes there are multiple distinct buzzes at a time, at different frequencies. The patient says he has hardly slept for the past week becaus...

While visiting England, Trump is invited to tea with the Queen. He asks her what her leadership philosophy is. She says that it is to surround herself with intelligent people. He asks how she knows if they're intelligent.

"I do so by asking them the right questions," says the Queen. "Allow me to demonstrate."

She phones Teresa May and says, "Madam, Prime Minister. Please answer this question: Your mother has a child, and your father has a child, and this child is not your brother or sister. Who is it?"

...

Back in the Middle Ages, horses were actually more intelligent than humans!

There were so many smart horses that every knight could have a Nobel Steed!

Most Intelligent But Funniest

An engineer, a physicist and a mathematicians have to build a fence around a flock of sheep, using as little material as possible. The engineer forms the flock into a circular shape and constructs a fence around it. The physicist builds a fence with an infinite diameter and pulls it together until i...

I was going to post a witty, hilarious and intelligent joke about time traveling

But you guys didn’t like it

99.9% of people are idiots.

Fortunately, I belong to the 1% of intelligent people

Intelligent Crows

When I was in school, some professors noticed that the crows on campus were astoundingly intelligent. These crows recognized that when lights were green, cars could go and when they were red, cars would stop. Using this knowledge, the crows would put nuts on the crosswalk so that during a green ligh...

Scientists have discovered that there is intelligent DNA inside of a lot of Women.

Unfortunately, most of them spit it out.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The guy decides that maybe he'd like to have a pet and goes to a pet shop. After looking around, he spots a parrot sitting on a little perch. It doesn't have any feet or legs.

The guy says out loud, "Geez, I wonder what happened to this parrot?"

"I was born this way," says the parrot. "I'm a defective parrot."

"Ha, ha," the guy laughs. "It sounded like this parrot actually understood what I said and answered me!"

"I understood every word," says the pa...

Once a Bright and Intelligent young man went for an IAS (Indian Civil Service) interview

Once a Bright and Intelligent young man went for an IAS (Indian Civil Service) interview.

He was asked -

Q 1. When did India get Independence?

He answered - The efforts started long back; but could succeed in 1947.

Q 2. Who were the persons, who played important role in ...

Donald Trump must be a very intelligent man.

I can't understand what he's saying half the time.

Scientists found intelligent DNA in a blonde.

The highest concentration was in the stomach.

Why do Artificially Intelligent systems fear popcorn?

Kernel panic.

Intelligent life forms

Why is it that when man searches for intelligent life forms they direct the sensors away from the earth?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A marriage counsellor is holding a group session and asks the husbands what bird would best describe their wife..

The first husband says "well my wife reminds me of a swan" .. "why is that" asks the counsellor , "because she's beautiful and graceful" replies the husband


The second husband says "I think an owl best describes my wife" "really"? says the counsellor , "yes because she is wise and int...

Once we meet intelligent extraterrestrials, discrimination will get a whole new dimension

Just for you to know, I am on your side, you are my species!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Intelligent life

The U.N. wanted to contact other worlds in hopes of finding intelligent life in the vast of space. So they gathered all of earth greatest minds to work together to complete such a task. After years of failing to reach life in space, the program was starting to crumple and the top minds abandoned shi...

Apparently more intelligent people tend to be less violent.

This is proven when you look at great modern scientists.

I bet you that no one has ever seen Steven Hawking slap someone.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call an intelligent prostitute?

A fucking genius!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Labrador, a Golden Retriever & a Chihuahua...

are walking down the street when they see a beautiful, enticing, female poodle.

The three male dogs fall all over themselves in an effort to be the one to reach her first, but end up arriving in front of her at the same time. They’re speechless before her beauty, slobbering on themselves and ...

What do you call an elevator with a group of slim, softly spoken, intelligent people inside?

A Lift

(only a joke, my American friends)

What do you call a person in the White House who is honest, intelligent, and law-abiding?

A tourist.

To make a fool love you, praise their intelligence...

...but you already knew that, because you're so intelligent.

Murder of crows

Question...If a group of crows is called a murder, and a group is three or more, is two crows together considered an attempted murder? Also, as I’ve been told, crows are very intelligent, my so would a planned gathering of crows be considered a pre-meditated murder?

Two Intelligent Blondes

A blonde woman was speeding down the road in her little red sports car and was pulled over by a woman police officer who was also a blonde.

The blonde cop asked to see the blonde driver's license. She dug through her purse and was getting progressively more agitated." What does it look like?"...

Even the most intelligent people can't survive a day without electricity

Like Stephen Hawking

Did you hear that joke about the intelligent Irishman?

Nah.

Me neither.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A study has revealed that curvy hips indicate smart women who deliver intelligent children.

So that's what my son's been looking for on PornHub, a smart woman.

I like to date intelligent girls who are taller than me.

It keeps me on my toes.

An intelligent young lady, Miss Bright

She travelled far faster than light,

Leaving one day in a relative way,

Arriving home the previous night.

Do you know why all the O2 molecules are intelligent?

Because an stupid one would be an Oxy-Moron.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two knights had known each other for several years and were very good friends.

The first knight had a very intelligent, fast and strong horse, capable of understanding human language, outspeeding landslides and staying in battle longer than anyother animal.
The second knight asked himself whether the first one would give him the horse but, instead of asking, he kept thinkin...

Super Intelligent Student

Teacher: whoever answers my next question, can go home.

One boy throws his bag out the window.

Teacher: who just threw that?!
Boy: Me! and I’m going home now.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Intelligent Blonde Joke

A guy gets on a plane, and finds himself seated next to a cute blonde. He turns to her and makes his move. He says, "You know, I heard that flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger...so let's talk."

The blonde asks "Okay, what would you like to discuss?"...

There are three kinds of women: the intelligent, the beautiful,

and the majority.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What's the most intelligent kind of porn?

Bookake

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