UPJOKE
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What do you call intelligent people in America?

Tourists.

What's the most intelligent mountain?

The Cleverest

My friend thinks he's intelligent. He told me an onion is the only food that makes you cry,

so I threw a coconut at his face.

99.9% of people are idiots

Fortunately, I belong to the 1% of intelligent people

I became best friends with my artificially intelligent remote control quadcopter named "ROTOR".

He is my **pal** n **drone**.

Why is a German stone intelligent?

Because its not just a stone, it's ein Stein

Ethnic jokes are unacceptable. They are offensive, and hurtful to those on the receiving end. I see that so much in the Midwest with jokes portraying Norwegians and Swedish people as less than intelligent. It has to stop!

Let’s edit all ethnic jokes to those who are not easily offended, like, for example, the Hittites. The Hittites are extinct, there are no more Hittites in existence, so can we just make all ethnic jokes about them?

For example, there were two Hittites, let’s name them, I don’t know, how...

a hole in the street

There's a big hole in a street that caused so many accidents and a lot of deaths; the mayor held a meeting with the most intelligent people of the neighborhood to discuss solutions for this problem

the first suggests putting an ambulance next to the hole, so whenever an accident hap...

As a Nevadan, I'm tired of people insinuating that we can't count. We are a great state filled with intelligent people. In fact, I can list off 20 ways we are better than our neighboring states.

Just let me take my shoes and socks off first.

How many honest, intelligent, caring men in the world does it take to do the dishes?

Both of them.

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Disabled legless Parrot. With a bargain.

A guy is browsing in a pet shop and sees a parrot sitting on a little perch. It doesn't have any feet or legs. The guy says aloud, "Jeesh. I wonder what happened to this Parrot?"

The parrot says, "I was born this way. I'm a defective parrot."

"Holy shit," the guy replies. "You actually...

African Grey Parrots are famously intelligent, but studies have shown that they consistently lose chess matches against ravens, jackdaws, and other corvids.

Said one researcher, "They just have trouble weighing the crows and pawns."

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A Greek and an Italian are arguing which nation is the more intelligent

So the Greek says "we invented sex!"


To which the Italian responds "and we decided to do it with women"

Have you heard about the Angel of Death that's not so intelligent?

The Dim Reaper?

Andre 3000 went camping...

...as he finishes setting up his tent, a park ranger rolls up to warn him about bear activity nearby. Specifically, an unusually intelligent and persistent bear that has a taste for 90's musicians. Andre thanks the ranger for his concern, and assures him that he'll take all the necessary precautions...

You know what happened to humanity's most intelligent ancestor?

He decided having kids wasn't worth it.

What do you call an intelligent cocaine?

A wise-crack.
And a cocaine who makes a lot of jokes?
A wisecracking wise-crack.

By nature, Jason was very intelligent but a bit shy. One day he went into a bar, and he saw a stunningly attractive woman sitting alone at a table drinking a white-wine spritzer.

Jason couldn’t take his eyes off this lady, and eventually, he gathered up the courage to walk across and speak to her.

“Hello, I’m Jason. Would you mind if I sat with you and chatted for a while?” asked Jason quietly but politely.

The woman responded by yelling at the top of her voice...

What was the name of the most intelligent Spanish conquistador?

Cerebral Cortez.

My grandfather was a very intelligent man.

He was an inventor. He invented the cold air balloon. Only problem was it never really took off.

Intelligent life?

In space, two aliens are talking to each other.

The first alien says, "The dominant life forms on the Earth planet have developed satellite-based nuclear weapons."

The second alien asks, "Are they an emerging intelligence?"

The first alien says, "I don't think so, they have ...

A teacher is teaching a class of kids about intelligence

She explains what intelligence is and then

Teacher: people opposite to intelligent are called stupid. Now how many of you think of yourselves as stupid, stand up.

She waits to see if someone would stand up but no one does. After a long while, finally a kid stands up.

Teacher: Do...

The woman asks her husband: "Do you prefer a beautiful woman or an intelligent woman?"

The husband replies: "None of them, you know I only like you!".





Like humans look for intelligent civilizations in the universe

There must be an ultra intelligent alien civilization, looking for intelligent life. Maybe they have already found us but not contacted because they were looking for intelligent life.

What do you call an intelligent blonde?

A golden retreiver!

Nothing is more threatening than an intelligent woman

Oh, really?

How about an intelligent woman, with a knife

Reddit's being overrun by an evil cabal of hyper-intelligent cow-people, and I have proof!

[remoooved]

What do you call friendly and intelligent Reddit users?

Bots.

What do you call an intelligent sloth?

Slo-mo sapiens

Donald Trump is in Berlin for his first state visit with Angela Merkel. Trump quickly asks what the secret of her great success is.

Merkel tells him you just have to have a lot of intelligent people around you.

"How do you know so quickly if someone is intelligent?" asks Trump.

"Let me demonstrate." She picks up the phone, calls Wolfgang Schäuble and asks him a question, "Mr. Schäuble, it's your father's son, but i...

Adam and God

Adam was walking through the garden of Eden, observing all the many animals God had created. He noticed that every creature had a companion, a perfect match, except for himself. Feeling lonely he finally decided to talk to God:

\- Lord, I see that you have created a companion for every creatu...

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Your anus is more intelligent than a computer...

... it knows the difference between solids, liquids and gasses. Computers can only do zeroes and ones.

A wife asked her husband, "How would you describe me?"

The husband replied, "ABCDEFGHIJK."

The wife asked, "So, what does that mean?"

The husband said, "Adorable, beautiful, cute, delightful, elegant, funny, graceful, helpful, intelligent."

The wife asked, "What about JK?"

The husband replied, "Just Kidding."

A philosopher, a physicist, and a layman were walking on a beach

A theologist, a physicist, and a layman were walking on a beach when they come across a watch that had washed up on the shore.

After studying the watch for some time, the theologist declared that clearly some intelligent being has created the object, for each part works harmoniously with the ...

intelligent monkey

A Grandmother buys a bag of peanuts so her Grandson can feed the monkeys at the Zoo. Upon receiving a peanut one monkey inserted the hull rectally, nodded, then extracted and devoured it. The Grandmother informed the Head Zookeeper of the animals' aberrant behavior, saying " That monkey is either p...

Scientists recently dicovered a new dinosaur that was very intelligent

Its called Thesaurus

LAWYER: Now sir, I'm sure you are an intelligent and honest man.

WITNESS: Thank you. If I weren't under oath, I'd return the compliment.

TIL that koi fish are incredibly intelligent, and naturally form groups of four fish, with each having a specialized role.

The group is always led by a “leader fish”, called koi A. The other three fish will follow it everywhere.

Koi B is in charge of hunting for the group, and will report back to them with the location of food.

Koi C is usually a large, aggressive female. She protects the group from thre...

Intelligent animals

Dolphins are highly intelligent animals. American scientists proved that after only a brief time in captivity, they are able to train humans to stand at the edge of the pool and toss them bits of fish.

4 People On A Plane

A politician, a teacher, a student and the pilot himself, were all flying in a plane.

Sometime later, the pilot made an announcement that both engines on the plane had failed and the only option was to jump out of the plane.

He further told them that there were only three parachute b...

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Every Man needs a Beautiful wife, intelligent wife, caring wife, loving wife, sexy wife, adjusting & cooperative wife.

But it's sad that law allows only one wife.

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Adam said unto the lord...

‘This garden of Eden you have provided, it has endless beauty and boundless supplies of nuts and berries.
But I’ve no one to share it with oh lord.’

The lord was a pretty sharp dude and said unto Adam...

‘Actually I’ve been thinking about that very problem. I can see that you are ...

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Donald Trump met with the Queen of England, and politely asked her, "Your Majesty, how do you run such an efficient government? Are there any tips you can give me?"

Donald Trump met with the Queen of England, and politely asked her, "Your Majesty, how do you run such an efficient government? Are there any tips you can give me?"

"Well," replied the Queen, "the most important thing is to surround yourself with intelligent people."

Trump frowned, and...

Most Intelligent But Funniest

An engineer, a physicist and a mathematicians have to build a fence around a flock of sheep, using as little material as possible. The engineer forms the flock into a circular shape and constructs a fence around it. The physicist builds a fence with an infinite diameter and pulls it together until i...

The neurosurgeon thinks he runs his practice very intelligently...

...but his patients are the real brains of the operation.

My father is my favorite redditor.

When I was a young boy, not long ago, I came to my father to show him a school essay that I wrote.

-Dad ! I talked about you in my essay.

-What did you say ?

-I said that you were kind, charismatic, handsome, intelligent, respected by all your peers... And that you were my fa...

Back in the Middle Ages, horses were actually more intelligent than humans!

There were so many smart horses that every knight could have a Nobel Steed!

I was going to post a witty, hilarious and intelligent joke about time traveling

But you guys didn’t like it

What do you call an elevator with a group of slim, softly spoken, intelligent people inside?

A Lift

(only a joke, my American friends)

Intelligent Crows

When I was in school, some professors noticed that the crows on campus were astoundingly intelligent. These crows recognized that when lights were green, cars could go and when they were red, cars would stop. Using this knowledge, the crows would put nuts on the crosswalk so that during a green ligh...

Once a Bright and Intelligent young man went for an IAS (Indian Civil Service) interview

Once a Bright and Intelligent young man went for an IAS (Indian Civil Service) interview.

He was asked -

Q 1. When did India get Independence?

He answered - The efforts started long back; but could succeed in 1947.

Q 2. Who were the persons, who played important role in ...

Scientists have discovered that there is intelligent DNA inside of a lot of Women.

Unfortunately, most of them spit it out.

"I'm lonely," Adam told God in the Garden of Eden.

"I need to have someone around for company." "Okay," replied God. "I'll give you the perfect companion. She is beautiful, intelligent and gracious, she'll cook and clean for you and never say a cross word." "Sounds great," Adam said. "But what's she going to cost?" "An arm and a leg" answered God. "...

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It's true!

Scientific studies have shown that intelligent people swear more than stupid mother fuckers.

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What do you call an intelligent prostitute?

A fucking genius!

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Intelligent life

The U.N. wanted to contact other worlds in hopes of finding intelligent life in the vast of space. So they gathered all of earth greatest minds to work together to complete such a task. After years of failing to reach life in space, the program was starting to crumple and the top minds abandoned shi...

What do you call a person in the White House who is honest, intelligent, and law-abiding?

A tourist.

To make a fool love you, praise their intelligence...

...but you already knew that, because you're so intelligent.

Two Intelligent Blondes

A blonde woman was speeding down the road in her little red sports car and was pulled over by a woman police officer who was also a blonde.

The blonde cop asked to see the blonde driver's license. She dug through her purse and was getting progressively more agitated." What does it look like?"...

Donald Trump must be a very intelligent man.

I can't understand what he's saying half the time.

Why do Artificially Intelligent systems fear popcorn?

Kernel panic.

Intelligent life forms

Why is it that when man searches for intelligent life forms they direct the sensors away from the earth?

Apparently more intelligent people tend to be less violent.

This is proven when you look at great modern scientists.

I bet you that no one has ever seen Steven Hawking slap someone.

Once we meet intelligent extraterrestrials, discrimination will get a whole new dimension

Just for you to know, I am on your side, you are my species!

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A study has revealed that curvy hips indicate smart women who deliver intelligent children.

So that's what my son's been looking for on PornHub, a smart woman.

I like to date intelligent girls who are taller than me.

It keeps me on my toes.

Even the most intelligent people can't survive a day without electricity

Like Stephen Hawking

Dolphins are the second most intelligent creatures on the planet second only to man

Pushing down women to third

How do you know when a woman is about to say some thing intelligent?

She starts her sentance with "A man once told me"

Did you know that Facebook IQ tests can actually tell a lot about your intelligence?

If you believe the results, it means you're not very intelligent.

An intelligent young lady, Miss Bright

She travelled far faster than light,

Leaving one day in a relative way,

Arriving home the previous night.

Super Intelligent Student

Teacher: whoever answers my next question, can go home.

One boy throws his bag out the window.

Teacher: who just threw that?!
Boy: Me! and I’m going home now.

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Intelligent Blonde Joke

A guy gets on a plane, and finds himself seated next to a cute blonde. He turns to her and makes his move. He says, "You know, I heard that flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger...so let's talk."

The blonde asks "Okay, what would you like to discuss?"...

Do you know why all the O2 molecules are intelligent?

Because an stupid one would be an Oxy-Moron.

There are three kinds of women: the intelligent, the beautiful,

and the majority.

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