Efficient Jokes

A fish is efficient

But a whale is a fishn't

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You know the Danish are very efficient people.

They’re always sure to cross Os and dot their As

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Do you know how fuel efficient a pirate ship is?

It can get 40 miles to the galleon

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Which Soviet leader was the least efficient?

Joseph Stallin'

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Efficient librarian

A German walks into a library and asks for a book on ‘War’.

Librarian denies and tells him ‘you will lose it.’

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A bunch of redditors, hanging frequently on /r/Jokes realized that all jokes were reposts.
To make their lives easier, they numbered the jokes. Instead of blah-blah-Irishman-blah-blah-naked in refrigerator-blah, they just posted numbers.
\- 5
Have an upvote!

\- 45
Oh, th...

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A very efficient German Joke

Laughundnowitsdone

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How does the government do things so efficiently?

If you lie, cheat, and steal all at once, you get a volume discount.

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How many germans do you need to change a lightbulb?

One, we are very efficient and not funny

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If Germans are so efficient and productive, why hasn't Germany built an unsinkable ship yet?

Because why would we waste our time building a ship if nobody has ever sought of it yet?

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Efficient hitmen are often very friendly and supportive.

They leave nobody behind.

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How many Germans does it take to change a light bulb?

One. We are efficient and dont have humour.

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The Dalai Lama is working with Peruvian engineers to move llamas more efficiently…

It’s the Dalai Lamas’ llama dolly.

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Last year I replaced several windows in my house and they were the expensive double-pane energy efficient kind.

But this week I got a call from the contractor complaining that his work has been completed for a whole year and I had yet to pay for them.

Boy oh boy did we go 'round. Just because I'm blonde doesn't mean that I am automatically stupid. So, I proceeded to tell him just what his fast talking ...

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Why are astronauts always so calm and efficient?

Why are astronauts always so calm and efficient?

Zero pressure in vacuum.

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Donald Trump meets the Queen...

Donald Trump meets with the Queen. He asks her, "Your Majesty, how do you run such an efficient government? Are there any tips you can give to me?"

"Well," says the Queen, "the most important thing is to surround yourself with intelligent people."

Trump frowns. "But how do I know the p...

Crop tops are very efficient.

They don't let anything go to waist.

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Turtles are very efficient animals...

they come pre-packaged!

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Why are kitchens in Chinese restaurants so efficient?

They have a Peking order.

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The French have come up with a more efficient way of sharing files electronically.

It’s a Pierre-to-Pierre network.

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Scientists have developed a new, more efficient process for smelting aluminum.

They were thinking outside the bauxite.

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The government in this town is excellent and uses your tax dollars efficiently.

~Ron Swanson

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As a scientist, I received a lot of praise for figuring out a new method of getting drugs to enter cells more effectively and efficiently.

As a prisoner, I received another 2 years on my sentence.

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Why are farmers, who take good inventory of their cows, so efficient at chemical reactions?

Because they have a cattle list.

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There are three software engineers who find themselves needing a piss at their annual conference.

First one goes in, has his piss, comes out and after washing his hands he grabs a towel to dry them. And another, and another. Soon the bin is overflowing with used towels, but his hands are perfectly dry.
"At IBM, they teach us to be thorough"

Second one goes in, has his piss, comes out...

TIL that fanta was created during WWII, when Coke Germany invented a way to efficiently process juice.

You should have seen Adolf's face when he realised he had misheard his receptionist.

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A white guy, a black guy, and a Chinese guy go to work at a coal mine.

When they arrive the manager assigns each of them a task. The white guy, Frank, is in charge of digging. The black guy, Jamaal, is in charge of transportation. The Chinese guy, Wong, is in charge of supplies.

They get to work and everything is going smoothly. Frank is digging up the coal at...

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Two CEOs meet after....

One of them has visited Japan. So they are talking about how the trip was and one says:

"look I got this amazing robot secretary from there, it does everything human secretary does except 20 times faster and 200% more efficiently."

The other one says: "that sounds impressive but does ...

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Joe Biden met with the Queen of England and politely asked her, “Your Majesty, how do you run such an efficient government, are there any tips you can give me?”

“Well” the Queen replied “The most important thing is to surround yourself with intelligent people”

Biden frowned and asked, “How do I know if the people around me are truly intelligent?”

The Queen laughed and told him “Oh that’s easy; just ask them to answer an intelligent riddle!”...

A computer is a lot like an air conditioner

It becomes a lot less efficient as soon as you open Windows.

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Playing Legend of Zelda has really improved my work ethic

My boss says that I'm "Hylian Efficient."

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Just wrote this one about my esteemed profession. How many lawyers does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Such number as may be deemed necessary to perform the aforementioned task in a timely and efficient manner within the structure in which said bulb is housed and being dependent on the following variables:

Whereas it should be taken in to account that ceiling heights may differ significantly f...

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I before E except after C

We feign agreeing, but this foreign poltergeist of a rule is neither efficient nor smart- and therein lies the height of the issue. It's as if an ancient deity has deigned to influence the zeitgeist of the people. We must remove the weight of this veil from their eyes, and forfeit the obeisance of t...

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Four soldiers are in a public bathroom...

An American soldier steps away from the urinal, turns on the water, uses five or six pumps or soap to wash his hands and takes a big wad of paper towels to dry them. He says to the others, "in the US Army, we are taught to use what we have to to get the job done".

A German soldier backs away ...

The Pope is saddend that he never sees much of the countries he visits and decides it's time for a change

After a visit to Berlin, the Pope decides he wants to travel to Rome by car. Off course, he didn't bring a car and so the German government seizes the opportunity to impress him with German engineering. They lend him the most powerful car they have available, with a German driver/bodyguard. And off ...

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a german bar opened in our neighborhood

i'm a curious guy so i get in

i ask the bartender: "can i get a glass of punch?"

he says: "sir, we are german, we are efficient and practical, there's a line for each beverage"

i look over and what do you know, i see a queue for each drink!

there's a long line just for wh...

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A Russian captain and an American captain debate which country builds the best submarines...

They are standing at a harbor and they've been arguing for hours. The American says "Our subs have such efficient air filter systems that they can stay underwater for months at a time".

The Russian replies:"A few months? Laughsble. Our Russian subs have such advanced air filters that they ca...

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A man was eating at a restaurant ...

When he noticed all the servers had spoons in their pocket.

Curious, he asked his server “why do all of you carry spoons?”

“Oh that’s interesting,” replied the server. “Our manager attended a seminar and found out the spoon is the most frequently dropped utensil. This way we are alway...

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Martial arts

The Israelis developed Krav Maga - the art of disabling an opponent as quickly as possible.

The Japanese developed Jujitsu - the art of defeating an armed and armored opponent.

The Brazilians developed Capoeira - the art of defeating an opponent using dance and acrobatics.

The F...

A guy walks into a bar

A guy walks into a bar and orders a beer. "Every morning after I wake up, the first thing I do is make my bed," he tells the bartender. "Good for you," the bartender says. "I hear that's one of those things highly efficient people do," "Maybe so," the guy agrees. "But tomorrow I'm taking that damn t...

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Women should think of the Penis like they should cars. They should be able to get from A to B on a daily basis, as safe and efficiently as possible, be easy to park in the garage without using the mirrors, and come with a load of kids if needed.

That being said, it is also nice to get a big black stretch limo for her birthday to make her feel special.

LED Zepplin

I had one of those lightbulb moments today and I just realized that LED Zeppelin was really ahead of their time. Way more energy efficient than those filament or halogen zeppelins.

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An electrician gets tired of being looked down upon for his profession

so he uses the money he has saved up to become a doctor.

As a resident, he always stood out amongst a crowd that was still mostly younger rich kids who could afford medical school somehow right out of high school and undergrad.

One day in particular, the hospital fire alarm got yanke...

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Never hit a man with glasses

Fists are just more efficient

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Three automobile managers at the urinal

The first goes to the sink and dries his hands with so many paper towels that not even the smallest droplet remains. "At Opel, we learn to be extremely thorough," he says.

The second uses only one towel for this and remarks: "At BMW, we also learn to be extremely efficient."

T...

Keep CRT out of our schools!

It's the 21st Century, people. LCD monitors are higher resolution and much more energy efficient!

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German, American, and Russian discuss their traveling habits.

The German says: "We have very well developed railways, and when going to a neighboring country we take the train."

The American then goes: "Well, my country is very large, and traveling on a train is not efficient. When we are traveling to a neighboring county we fly in a plane".

The ...

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An American, a Japanese, and a Brazilian firm are bidding on a contract to build a stadium.

An American, a Japanese, and a Brazilian firm are bidding on a contract to build a stadium.

The American firm says that the stadium will cost 2 million dollars because Americans like everything big and built to last.

The Japanese firm says that the stadium will cost 1 million because ...

What's the difference between a mad engineer and a mad scientist?

The mad engineer builds an efficient, well-desined death ray and destroys the world in one blow.

The mad scientist builds his death ray and divides the world into three randomised groups: an experimental group to be killed, a control group to be spared and a group that is told they are dead ...

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Why did intel go to long John silvers?

Because they needed efficient chips.

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Lets make a circle!

One day a farmer called up an engineer, a physicist, and a mathematician and asked them to fence of the largest possible area with the least amount of fence.

The engineer made the fence in a circle and proclaimed that he had the most efficient design.

The physicist made a long, straigh...

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An English woman finds out her husband is cheating on her

She is distraught, fueled by anger - so much so that she decides the only course of action is to have him killed. In her grief, she contacts and old friend who works amongst the criminal underbelly of London. He recommends she seek out a specific hitman, known in the business as Big Artie. He is eff...

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New Job

I just got a new job. When I applied the boss bragged about the company being extremely efficient. He said, "Everything is electronic, we don't use one single sheet of paper.

Everything was going great, until I took my first shit."

What is the difference between Santa and a Burglar?

Santa is way more efficient!

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Back in the day, Instagram just meant

**a really efficient drug dealer.**

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An Irishman, a Scotsman and an Englishman walk into a bathroom

The Englishman takes a piss, and wipes his hands very thoroughly with 7 squares of toilet paper, while loudly proclaiming that "In England, we always do our job extremely thoroughly"

The Scotsman takes a piss, and wipes his hand with just one square of toilet paper, using every square inc...

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