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Cute Jokes

A precious little girl walks into a pet shop and asks in the sweetest little lisp, "Excuthe me, mithter, do you keep widdle wabbits?"

The shopkeeper's heart melts, he gets down on his knees, so that he's
on her level, and asks, "Do you want a widdle white wabbit...or a
thoft and fuwwy bwack wabbit...or maybe one like that cute widdle
bwown wabbit over there?"

She, in turn blushes, rocks on her heels, puts her hands...

What did the nerd say to the cute girl?

Are you an API because I want to call you?

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I’m attracted to my neighbor’s garden decoration. The beard, the cute tummy….

Does that make me a gnomosexual?

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I've been told that one in our circle of friends is gay.

I hope it's Dave, he's cute.

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Statistics show that 1 in 5 men in a friend group are actually gay…

I hope it’s Kevin, he’s cute

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My feline died after being crushed during a cute butt contest

It was a cat ass trophy.

I call my wife Bambi. She thinks it's because she is so cute, with big brown eyes.

Actually, it's because I would like someone to shoot her mother, with a hunting rifle.

Three rabbits escape from a testing lab...

and find an entire field full of carrots. They eat themselves into a stupor and sleep throughout the night. The next morning, they find an entire field full of female rabbits with no males in sight. They screw themselves into a stupor and sleep throughout the night. The next morning, the rabbits get...

I told my new flat mate that she reminded me of my little toe. “Is it because I’m small and cute?” she asked....

I replied “No, it’s because when I get drunk I’ll surely end up banging you on the coffee table...”

[OC] Why did the pirate say he had cute kitten bandaids?

“To treat me owies…”

Where do dogs go when they need a new tail?

A re-tail store.

I think it’s such a cute joke, it’s one of my favs :)

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My son made me a shirt which spelled "Wrld's best dad!" which is a pretty cute mistake.

But he needs to get his shit together and understand that I have a sweatshop to run.

My veterinarian says my dog has an absolutely adorable disease.

She has a cute pancreatitis.

*Update:* This is somewhat real. My dog went into the dog hospital last night. She's doing a little better today and she will probably make it. I had to joke because this is a tough ride to take without it.

*Update* My dog is home now. She's we...

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Three married men sit at a bar. one ugly, one average, and one handsome

The conversation shifts to their love lives.

The first, ugly man says "My wife nor I are all that nice to look at, but we have a loving relationship with great communication. We both cook and clean and take care of each other. In fact, since we have trouble looking at each other in bed, we've...

I call my girlfriend Bambi. She thinks it's because she's cute.

I just really hope her mom gets shot.

Wife (to husband): How would you describe me?

Husband: ABCDEFGHIJK.

Wife: What do you mean?

Husband: Adorable, Beautiful, Cute, Delightful, Elegant, Funny, Graceful, Helpful, Intelligent.

Wife: What about JK?

Husband: Just Kidding.

Uvalde citizen gets pulled over

A very cute blonde was pulled over for speeding by an Uvalde motorcycle officer. When he walked up to her window and opened his ticket book, she said, "I bet you're going to sell me a ticket to the policeman's Ball."

The cop replied, "No, ma'am. You're thinking of the Border Patrol , the Uval...

After a party, a guy finds himself invited to the home of a girl he's just met for the first time.

After a party, a guy finds himself invited to the home of a girl he's just met for the first time. She shows him into the living room, and tells him to make himself at home while she goes to the kitchen to make them some drinks.

He notices a cute jar on a bookshelf, and picks it up to take a ...

If a kid asks where rain comes from, I think a cute thing to tell the kid is “God is crying”

And if the kid asks why is God is crying, another cute thing to tell the kid is “probably because of something you did”

A man was having a few in the local bar

when he noticed a sailor sitting at the other end of the bar. The sailor had a completely normal physique except for one anomaly: his head was tiny, about the size of an orange.

The man stared at the sailor in puzzlement, and after a few more drinks screwed up his courage to go over and ask t...

I went in for an X-ray the other day and met a cute radiologist.

I tried to act cool but she saw right through me.

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Why does Gordon Ramsay hate seeing a bunch of cute pet pictures?

Cause it's fucking r/aww!

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Sometimes being cute is like having diarrhea.

Sometimes shit just runs in your genes.

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A man escapes from a prison where he had been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed.

He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair. While tying the girl to the bed, he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom.

While he was gone, the husband tells his wife, "Listen, this guy is an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spen...

Some would say that putting decorative soaps that look like food in their bathrooms is cute.

But it leaves a bad taste in my mouth.

A girl once told me, “If you lost about 50 pounds you’d be cute”

I told her, “if I lost 50 pounds I’d be talking to your friends!”

Edit:
Credit: Felipe Esparza

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There once was a man who loved tractors

I mean he absolutely LOVED them. He had tractor models, tractor wallpaper, remote control miniature tractors, tractor board games, even some tractor porn(which is not easy to find mind you). The only thing that even came close to his love for tractors, was the love he felt for his wife. His high sch...

I was at a restaurant and a cute waitress was flirting with me. She gave her email and told me to hit her up sometime. I tried to email her the next day but the internet was down.

I couldn’t connect to the server

I was in a bar last night and saw a cute woman sitting alone.

I walked over, said “hi” and asked her “what is your name?”

“Chantelle” she said

“Oh, I wish you would” I replied.

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Marriage

The child was a typical four-year-old girl -- cute, inquisitive, bright as a new penny.

When she expressed difficulty in grasping the concept of marriage, her father decided to pull out his wedding photo album, thinking visual images would help.

One page after another, he pointed out...

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2 short and cute NSFW Jokes

1st -
Question: How does Herman Melville (from Moby Dick) finish off all of his sex stories?

Answer: ||"And there she blows!"||


2nd -
Question: Why does the gas station attendant have a long lasting relationship with his girlfriend?

Answer: ||Cause he always knows how ...

Wife and girlfriend.

A grandson asked his grandpa one question while on the way back from school...

What is the difference between 'Wife' and 'Girlfriend'?

Grandpa thought for a minute and simplified the explanation like this:

Listen son:

Wife is like a TV

and

Girlfriend is li...

The cute secretary came angrily out of the boss' cabin. Her friend asked her what had happened inside.

Secretary: He asked me if I was free tonight.
Friend: And?
Secretary: I said yes......and that rascal gave me 50 pages to type!

Harry is dating a cross-eyed girl

He walks into the bar and the bartender says, "Hey, Harry, you still going out with that cute cross-eyed girl?"


Harry says, "No. I found out she was seeing other guys on the side."

I was near the local playground, and I tried flirting with the cute single mother.

It was a swing and a Miss.

How do you tell the difference between a real escourt and a cop.

All the cute ones are cops.

Little Johnny’s neighbour

Little Johnny's neighbour just had a baby. Sadly, the baby was born without any ears. When the mum and baby came back home from the hospital, Johnny's family was invited over to see the baby.
Before they left their house, Little Johnny's dad had a chat with him and explained how the baby had no ...

An escaped convict breaks into a couple’s home

The couple is being held at gunpoint in their kitchen when the convict grabs the wife and whispers intently in her ear before letting her go.
The husband pulls her in close and says to her “look, this man has been locked up for who knows how long, hasn’t seen a woman in years. Maybe just let him ...

I told the cute girl at the grocery store that I wanted to make her mine. Was all smiles and as happy as anything...

For some reason, she got mad when I gave her a pick axe and a helmet with a light on the front.

Nursing home

Two old ladies were sitting on the porch of their nursing home rocking in their rocking chairs smoking cigarettes. As it starts to rain old lady 1 reaches in her purse and gets a condom package out, she slides it Over her cigarette to keep it dry so she can smoke it later. Amazed and curious, old l...

Cute repartee from "Dr. Katz"

The good doctor is between clients, and Laura, the administrative assistant, walks into his office. Dr. Katz is lying on his patients' couch and this surprises her.

"I've just never seen you on the couch before," she says.

"Well," Dr. Katz says, "I was just in a reflective mood, and ...

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I just met a cute girl named Kidding.

I wish I was fucking kidding.

Head & Shoulders

A Blonde and a Brunette on an elevator going to the first floor. A good looking guy wearing all black gets in the elevator and gets off in the 2nd floor, before the guy exits the elevator, the Brunette notices that he has dandruff on his shoulders. When the door closes the brunette tells the blonde....

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A lady walks into a bar and sees a really cute guy sitting at the counter.

She goes over and asks him what he is drinking.
"Magic Beer", he says
She thinks he's a little crazy, so she walks around the bar, but after that there is no one else worth talking to,goes back to the man sitting at the bar and says,"That isn't really Magic Beer, is it?"
"Yes, I'll show you...

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A married couple invites some friends over for dinner...

...while the wife is preparing food and talking with the other women the husband chats with the male guests. During conversation, the husband asks his wife: "Honey, do you remember the name of that place we went last summer?" The wife promptly answers. Few minutes later' the husband calls his wife a...

*Tips fedora to cute non-binary girl*

m’theydy

A woman meets a man in a bar. They talk; they connect; they end up leaving together.

They get back to his place, and as he shows her around his apartment, she notices that one wall of his bedroom is completely filled with soft, sweet, cuddly teddy bears. There are three shelves in the bedroom, with hundreds and hundreds of cute, cuddly teddy bears, carefully placed in rows covering ...

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There was a mouse that used to stop by a neighborhood tavern every night…

Like clockwork, at 5:15 pm that screen door would kick open and if you looked closely you’d see that crazy little mouse. He’d sprint to his bar stool, spin around the pole on one arm and hop right up to the cushion with a big shit-eating grin. High fives with the bartender. “Gimme a beer, Sam!” “Sur...

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My friend just got this new dog. I went round to see it. It's one of those crosses, half spaniel, half poodle. Real cute but not housetrained yet.

I kept stepping in cockerdoodledoo.

A girl asked if I was into S&M. I don't really know a lot about music, but she was cute so I said "sure."

She must have figured out I was lying because she beat the hell out of me.

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(nsfw) A very elderly couple were dating and decided to wed. On their wedding night, as they were about to consummate the relationship, the women said to her husband, "I have to warn you. I have acute angina."

"Am I relieved to hear that!" her husband replied. "Cuz those are about the ugliest tits I have ever seen."

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So I've been talking to this cute 14 year old and now she's telling me she's an undercover cop

How fucking cool is that for someone her age?

My Korean girlfriend makes some cute mistakes when speaking English. For example:

"Fishing stick" instead of "Fishing rod"

"Tropical tree" instead of "Palm tree"

"Ant-licker" instead of "Uncle"

The nurse told the parents of a newly born child, "You have a cute baby."

The smiling husband said, "I bet you say that to all new parents."

"No," she replied, "just to those whose babies really are good-looking."

The husband again asked "So what do you say to the others?"

The nurse replied, "The baby looks just like you."

A cute girl at work said she'd only go on a date with me on a day that doesn't end in 'Y'

I said "Great! I'll pick you up tomorrow!"

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When a man is poor and fat, he’s a fat ass. When a man is rich and fat, he’s:

My cute chubby teddy bear

A man is about to jump off from a bridge

Just as he's about to take the final leap, a woman yells out at him in the distance.

"Wait! Hold on!"

He's startled, looks over. He sees a cute young woman running towards him, her face conveying deep emotion. She yells out "Wait, just hear me out!"

He's touched. No one has ever...

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I’m on a date with a cute guy and we start talking about tattoos.

He asks me if I have any tattoos and I say “yeah, some stars on my right hip.” I ask him if he has any and he says “yeah, one on my dick and it says Shorty.” My face falls as I realize what this means just when we are really starting to hit things off. But then he says “when my dick gets hard it say...

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