I asked this cute homeless girl if I could take her home with me.

She started crying after I walked off with her cardboard box.

I call my girlfriend Bambi. She thinks it's because she's cute.

I just really hope her mom gets shot.

If a kid asks where rain comes from, I think a cute thing to tell the kid is “God is crying”

And if the kid asks why is God is crying, another cute thing to tell the kid is “probably because of something you did”

Some would say that putting decorative soaps that look like food in their bathrooms is cute.

But it leaves a bad taste in my mouth.

I was near the local playground, and I tried flirting with the cute single mother.

It was a swing and a Miss.

Wife: I am going to London for 5 days, what should I get you on my way back?

Husband: A cute British girl.

\*wife returns from London\*

Husband: Where is my gift?

Wife: Wait nine months.

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2 short and cute NSFW Jokes

1st -
Question: How does Herman Melville (from Moby Dick) finish off all of his sex stories?

Answer: ||"And there she blows!"||


2nd -
Question: Why does the gas station attendant have a long lasting relationship with his girlfriend?

Answer: ||Cause he always knows how ...

I was in a bar last night and saw a cute woman sitting alone.

I walked over, said “hi” and asked her “what is your name?”

“Chantelle” she said

“Oh, I wish you would” I replied.

There was once a forest man named Imm...

Imm always wanted to have a child and would always talk about it to his best friend Epp. One day when they were in their early twenties, Epp met a girl and quickly fell in love. Not long after, Epp and his girlfriend got married and had a baby girl they named Goo. Imm was happy for Epp at first, but...

I told the cute girl at the grocery store that I wanted to make her mine. Was all smiles and as happy as anything...

For some reason, she got mad when I gave her a pick axe and a helmet with a light on the front.

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Why does Gordon Ramsay hate seeing a bunch of cute pet pictures?

Cause it's fucking r/aww!

A woman meets a man in a bar. They talk; they connect; they end up leaving together.

They get back to his place, and as he shows her around his apartment, she notices that one wall of his bedroom is completely filled with soft, sweet, cuddly teddy bears. There are three shelves in the bedroom, with hundreds and hundreds of cute, cuddly teddy bears, carefully placed in rows covering ...

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NSFW I met a cute girl at a bar last night and she said she wanted the night to be "Magical"!

So i Fucked her and dissapeared.

what do you call a cute portal?

a doorable

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My friend just got this new dog. I went round to see it. It's one of those crosses, half spaniel, half poodle. Real cute but not housetrained yet.

I kept stepping in cockerdoodledoo.

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There was a mouse that used to stop by a neighborhood tavern every night…

Like clockwork, at 5:15 pm that screen door would kick open and if you looked closely you’d see that crazy little mouse. He’d sprint to his bar stool, spin around the pole on one arm and hop right up to the cushion with a big shit-eating grin. High fives with the bartender. “Gimme a beer, Sam!” “Sur...

Some people like to call their mistakes "happy accidents."

Others get creative and give them cute little names like Nathan, or Thomas, like my parents did.

I was at a restaurant and a cute waitress was flirting with me. She gave her email and told me to hit her up sometime. I tried to email her the next day but the internet was down.

I couldn’t connect to the server

Help Requested

A man walks into a sperm bank and declares, "I'm a star athlete, and have an I.Q. of 165, and I'd like to make a donation." The nurse gives him a sealed cup and directs him to a private room.

Twenty minutes later, the man hasn't come out, the nurse knocks on the door. "Is there a problem?" Th...

Why was the ranch so cute?

Because of its dressing

I took my daughter trick or treating (dad joke)

I took my daughter trick or treating. After we received candy from the neighbor lady she says “you’re daughter looks so cute in that costume”. I smile and say “thank you”. She then asks if I made it. I say “yes”, but the costume is from Amazon.

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Ugliest man on Earth

A fellow sitting in a bar noticed that the bartender was staring at him. Each time he'd look away and finally came over, a bit embarrassed.

"I'm sorry sir, let me buy you a drink."

The fellow accepted and then accepted the subsequent two apologies and drinks.

"Surely you know th...

My kitten won top prize in a cute competition.

Unfortunately, they messed up the award... Instead of making it in the shape of a kitty's face they made it into a kitty's behind!!

It's a real cat-ass-trophy!

I call my wife Bambi, she thinks it's because she is cute with big brown eyes.

But in reality I just hope someone shoots her mother with a hunting rifle.

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Escaped prisoner robbing a Couple

After being in prison for 15 years, a man escapes. He breaks into a house to look for money & guns but finds a young couple in bed. He orders the man out of the bed ties him to a chair. He tied the girl to the bed and kisses her neck. Then he gets up & goes into the bathroom.
The husband ...

My Korean girlfriend makes some cute mistakes when speaking English. For example:

"Fishing stick" instead of "Fishing rod"

"Tropical tree" instead of "Palm tree"

"Ant-licker" instead of "Uncle"

What do you call a cute bull fighter?

Matadorable

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I just met a cute girl named Kidding.

I wish I was fucking kidding.

What did the elephant say to the guy?

That’s cute but can you breathe through it...

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Every Time

On their wedding night, the young bride approached her new husband and asked for 20 dollars for their first lovemaking encounter. In his highly aroused state, her husband readily agreed. This scenario was repeated every time they made love, for the next 30 years, with him thinking it was a cute way ...

A cute girl was towing two tow trucks

She had a great pickup line

A Halloween joke for you

Little Johnny is out trick or treating on Halloween dressed as a pirate. He walked up to a house and said "trick or treat". The little old lady just gushed over his costume. She says to Johnny, "What a cute costume, but let me ask you....Where are your buccaneers?" Little Johnny says back, "They're ...

I think I might need new glasses

I saw a cute girl at the mall far away from me so I went to her to ask for her number.

When I got close, he was uglier than I expected.

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Tik tok < pornhub

I met a cute girl at bar recently she told me she was a tik tok influencer,

I said cool I’m on pornhub, maybe we should collab,

either way its only gonna last 10 seconds.

I had a girlfriend who was adorable...

...so I called her Dory.

I had one who was cute, so I called her Cutey.

I had one who was lovable so I called her Lovey.

I was infatuated with my most recent girlfriend and called her Fatty.

Stitches come out next week.

*Tips fedora to cute non-binary girl*

m’theydy

Why did the 90 degree angle fall in love with 60 degree angle?

Cause it was a-cute angle

Sister Ann Putting on Weight

"Sister Ann, aren't you putting on a little weight?" inquired Father Dan during his visit to the convent, suspiciously eyeing her bulging belly. "Why, no Father," answered the nun demurely, "It's just a little gas." A few months later Father Dan put the same question to the nun noticing her habit ba...

Little Johnny's neighbour just had a baby.

Sadly, the baby was born without any ears.

When the mum and baby came back home from the hospital, Johnny's family was invited over to see the baby. Before they left their house, Little Johnny's dad had a chat with him and explained how the baby had no ears.

Johnnys dad also told him t...

A girl once told me, “If you lost about 50 pounds you’d be cute”

I told her, “if I lost 50 pounds I’d be talking to your friends!”

Edit:
Credit: Felipe Esparza

My girlfriend baked me a cake for cake day with a cute note on it...

...

It was the icing on the cake

"Hey man, the 49th state is pretty cute. Do you know if she's single or not?"

"I'm not sure, but Alaska."

The date I took to the AC/DC concert had buck teeth, giving her a cute beaver smile

She was the best dam woman I had even seen

"So I matched with this cute guy on Tinder last night, and we started chatting and sending each other memes and little animations. But then he mentioned that he was an exchange student from Athens, so I ghosted him." "Why?"

"My daddy always told me, 'Beware the Greeks bearing gifs.'"

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What does a farmer and a cute girl have in common.

They can both raise a cock.

Why is a destroyed entrance cute?

Because it's a-door-rubble.

We're Sergeants Now!

Leroy and Jasper have been promoted from privates to sergeants. Not long after, they're out for a walk and Leroy says, "Hey, Jasper, there's the Officer's Club. Let's you and me stop in." "But we're privates," protests Jasper. "We're sergeants now," says Leroy, pulling him inside. "Now, Jasper, I'm ...

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I’m on a date with a cute guy and we start talking about tattoos.

He asks me if I have any tattoos and I say “yeah, some stars on my right hip.” I ask him if he has any and he says “yeah, one on my dick and it says Shorty.” My face falls as I realize what this means just when we are really starting to hit things off. But then he says “when my dick gets hard it say...

What did the ear of corn say to the cute puppy?

Aww Shucks

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In every friend group, apparently 1 out of 10 people are gay.

I hope it's Tyler, he's super cute.

A mermaid is half cute

The other half is just some lady

A little girl goes to the pet store

She ask the owner of the store if he has any bunnies.

“Well sure sweetie!” He says and takes her to where the bunnies are, “I have a few different bunnies I have this white one with floppy ears, or this fluffy little brown one, or I even have this cute one with black spots! What kind of bunny...

One of the only jokes I know

What a cute bunch of cows!

It's not a bunch, it's a herd

Heard of what?

Herd of cows

Well, duh, of course I've heard of cows!

No, a cow herd

What do I care what a cow heard?





Sorry if it's lame

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A man recently separated with his wife is at the local bar drowning his sorrows when a gorgeous young woman walks in.

She makes her way over to the bar.

"What'll it be, miss?" The bartender asks.
"Tequila." Says the woman.

As the bartender pours her drink she notices the guy sitting at the other end of the bar. 'Handsome' she thinks to herself as she turns to the bartender laying out t...

Why are Italian cops so cute?

Because they're guinea pigs!!

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My date..

I was at a gas station pumping gas when this cute girl pulled up next to me. She was in a Camaro and asking me questions about my car. Great convo we had, so i asked her on a date . I came to pick her up the night after, she was in a wheel chair! Surprised the hell out of me. So we went for a stroll...

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A few days ago, my friend compared me to a Happy Meal, Her reasoning was that i'm cute and a bundle of happiness.

I thought that that was interesting, because I also cum with a toy.

A guy stops at a little cake shop ran by an elderly couple.

He asks for a cup of coffee. The old man who was working the counter turns to the kitchen and says "Sweetie! A cup of coffee to this gentleman please!"

The man found that rather cute and, deciding he could use some cake with his coffee decided to order a slice. The elderly man turned to the k...

I told my teddy bear it was cute.

it plushed.

Trying to impress this cute animal rights activist girl I just met, so I told her I work with animals

I'm a butcher.

A girl asked if I was into S&M. I don't really know a lot about music, but she was cute so I said "sure."

She must have figured out I was lying because she beat the hell out of me.

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At the grocery store, I went to the checkout line with the cute cashier...

I started unloading my groceries onto the belt.

Package of Ramen noodles.
Quart of milk.
Half a dozen eggs.
A couple of frozen dinners.

As she is scanning the items, she looks up and smiles, "so, you're single, huh?"

I look at my groceries and smile back. "Yeah, ha, w...

A construction worker sits down in his favourite pub at the end of a long, exhausting week.

He orders a beer and takes a sip in pure bliss. From the corner of his eye he notices a cute little girl, but he pays no mind. All he can think of is the shimmering glass in his hands, filled to the brim with golden ale. As the night progresses, the folk get cheerier and louder each passing minute. ...

The captain of our cruise has a hobby of determining what kitchen utensils would make cute couples.

I'm just glad he's shipping the sink, and not the other way round.

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A lady walks into a bar and sees a really cute guy sitting at the counter.

She goes over and asks him what he is drinking.
"Magic Beer", he says
She thinks he's a little crazy, so she walks around the bar, but after that there is no one else worth talking to,goes back to the man sitting at the bar and says,"That isn't really Magic Beer, is it?"
"Yes, I'll show you...

There's this guy who's in the market for a used motorcycle....

Always wanted a nice big hog. So he's shopping around, answering ads in the newspaper, and not having much luck. One day he comes across a beautiful classic Harley with a "For sale" sign on it. Upon inspection, he is amazed to find the bike in mint condition. He inquiries about it with the owner "Th...

A cute girl at work said she'd only go on a date with me on a day that doesn't end in 'Y'

I said "Great! I'll pick you up tomorrow!"

A cute stranger said I was "fine" today

It started when I accidentally bumped into her and when I apologized, she said "you're fine."

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So I've been talking to this cute 14 year old and now she's telling me she's an undercover cop

How fucking cool is that for someone her age?

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A tractor joke

There once was a man who loved tractors, I mean he absolutely LOVED them. He had tractor models, tractor wallpaper, remote control miniature tractors, tractor board games, even some tractor porn(which is not easy to find mind you). The only thing that even came close to his love for tractors, was th...

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A man and a chicken walk into a small restaurant

A man and a chicken walk into a small restaurant, they sit down, and the waitress takes their order, the man says "I'll have a number 5 with a large coffee", and the chicken says "I will have that as well". When they finished their meal, the man walks up to the counter to pay, and he reaches into hi...

My wife said to come out of the closet already...

I said stop buying so many cute dresses then.

Felt cute, got pregnant.

Might delete later.

The nurse told the parents of a newly born child, "You have a cute baby."

The smiling husband said, "I bet you say that to all new parents."

"No," she replied, "just to those whose babies really are good-looking."

The husband again asked "So what do you say to the others?"

The nurse replied, "The baby looks just like you."

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Cute Joke

An old Italian lived alone in New Jersey. He wanted to plant his annual tomato garden, but it was very difficult work, as the ground was hard.

His only son, Vincent, who used to help him, was in prison. The old man
wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament:
<...

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Bar Experiment

One night a guy and some of his friends went to a bar. The guy saw a very sexy woman all by herself. His friends told him to go talk to her. What's the worst that could happen? As he approached the woman he said, "Hi my name is Jeff" with a big smile. Out of nowhere, the woman yelled out, "NO I WON'...

Dark HUMOR

When I see the names of lovers engraved on a tree, I don't find it cute or romantic. I find it weird how many people take knives with them on dates.

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Night to remember

A man is super horny and goes to a brothel but it's new years eve and everyone is booked out. He eventually finds the manager and begs.The manager is firm it's new years there no one free desperate the man says he'll pay double. The manager thinks for a moment and says well there is someone but i wo...

A good book is a lot like a cute puppy.

Easy to pick up, hard to put down.

Told my friends I had a date with this cute girl and they made fun of me saying she was made up, but jokes on them.

They’re made up too

Same service...

A husband visited a marriage counselor and said, "When we were first married, I would come home from the office, my wife would bring me water and our cute little dog would run around barking. Now after ten years it\`s all different. I come home, the dog brings the water and my wife runs around barki...

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Cute names to call your girlfriend with

1.sugar

2.honey

3.flour

4.egg

5.1/2 lb butter

6.stir

7.pour into pan

8.preheat to 375°

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My cute roommate and I are stuck in quarantine, sitting on the couch watching Netflix. [NSFW]

"I really want to watch this documentary on this Olympic runner," she says. "But fair warning: the guy is so attractive, I might not be able to stop myself from masturbating."


"Usain Bolt?" I asked.


"No, I'm saying stay..."

Ivanka Trump is walking a dog outside the White House...

A Secret Service agent sees her and says "Good Morning, Ma'am."

"Good morning." She replies.

"That's a very cute dog, ma'am." the agent says trying to make polite small talk.

"Oh, thank you. I got it for the President." She replies with a smile.

"Excellent trade, Ma'am."<...

Me: That’s a cute dog you got there. Whats her name?

Cop: Diesel, she sniffs out drugs

Me: Still in training?

Cop: What?

Me: What?

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So, my friend bought a cute baby donkey

First, he taught it to walk and run. It grew up to carry anything and still run at great speed. After that, he taught it to be friendly to everyone. It grew up to be a great emotional support animal. He taught it to study and read. It grew up to advance animal consciousness research.

So, afte...

There were once two flower shops across the street from each other, but one was more successful than the other.

The one that was more successful was owned by two friars, and they were always the center of attention. Everyone wanted to buy flowers from the cute friars with their funny brown coats. But the owner of the other shop was not making money. He was tired of it. He had asked them many times to close sh...

What is a Audit?

Once upon a time there was a shepherd looking after his sheep on the side of a deserted road.

Suddenly a brand new Porsche screeches to a halt. The driver, a man dressed in an Armani suit, Cerutti shoes, Ray-Ban sunglasses, TAG-Heuer wrist watch, and a Pierre Cardin tie gets out and asks the...

So I went to a costume party dressed as a chicken when I bumped into a cute girl dressed as an egg, that night i found out the answer to the age old question

Which came first

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I met this sexy girl in a club tonight and told her she reminded me of my little toe. Giggling, she asked, "Why?! Is it because I'm small and cute!?"

"No..." I said. "It's because later, I'm gonna bang you hard on my coffee table."

How do you stop a cute animal?

You just press paws

My roommate always complains about two of my weaknesses.

One was : 'You always get distracted sooooo easily!'

And the other one was the fact that there's a cute little spider on the ceiling.

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I may not have much else going for me, but at least I know I've got a cute butt.

Whenever I finish talking to a woman and I start to walk away they always say, "Finally! Thank you!"

You're welcome, ladies.

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God woke up with a hangover.

He held His temples as one of His angels knocked gently on the door. He grumbled them inward.

"Sorry to disturb You, Sir," the angel said hesitantly. "But I wanted to congratulate you on yesterday's creations. For the most part, they were spectacular!"

"Wha...?" God mumbled blearily....

When Winnie the Pooh eats honey straight from the jar with his paw, it's cute...

But when I hang around a donkey while wearing nothing but a red t-shirt, someone calls the cops.

Saw a cute girl at work today.

I told her I get off in five minutes and she smiled. Then I said I finish work in one hour and she left.

I saw twins in cute matching outfits and asked them, “Your mom always buys matching clothes for you?”

One replied, “Sir, we are not twins. License and Registration please.”

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