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Cute Jokes

I call my wife Bambi. She thinks it's because she's cute with big brown eyes...

But in reality it's because I want someone to shoot her mother with a hunting rifle

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Cute names to call your girlfriend with

1.sugar

2.honey

3.flour

4.egg

5.1/2 lb butter

6.stir

7.pour into pan

8.preheat to 375°

Daughter made up a cute knock knock joke:

Knock knock
Who’s there?
Let’s eat…
Let’s eat who?

What are you a cannibal?

A girl once told me, “If you lost about 50 pounds you’d be cute”

I told her, “if I lost 50 pounds I’d be talking to your friends!”

Edit:
Credit: Felipe Esparza

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A lady walks into a bar and sees a really cute guy sitting at the counter.

She goes over and asks him what he is drinking.
"Magic Beer", he says
She thinks he's a little crazy, so she walks around the bar, but after that there is no one else worth talking to,goes back to the man sitting at the bar and says,"That isn't really Magic Beer, is it?"
"Yes, I'll show you...

A cute little girls story

One day my mother was out and my dad was in charge of me.
I was maybe two and a half years old and had just recovered from an accident.
Someone had given me a little tea set as a get-well gift and it was one of my favorite toys.
Daddy was in the living room engrossed in the evening news whe...

Saw a cute girl at work today.

I told her I get off in five minutes and she smiled. Then I said I finish work in one hour and she left.

The nurse told the parents of a newly born child, "You have a cute baby."

The smiling husband said, "I bet you say that to all new parents."

"No," she replied, "just to those whose babies really are good-looking."

The husband again asked "So what do you say to the others?"

The nurse replied, "The baby looks just like you."

I saw this cute homeless girl on the street..

..so I asked her if I could take her home. She smiled and said "sure", boy the look on her face when I walked off with her cardboard box...

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Why does Gordon Ramsay hate seeing a bunch of cute pet pictures?

Cause it's fucking r/aww!

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So I've been talking to this cute 14 year old and now she's telling me she's an undercover cop

How fucking cool is that for someone her age?

I told my new flat mate that she reminded me of my little toe. “Is it because I’m small and cute?” she asked....

I replied “No, it’s because when I get drunk I’ll surely end up banging you on the coffee table...”

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Statistics show that 1 in 5 men in a friend group are actually gay…

I hope it’s Kevin, he’s cute

Cute joke a neighbor kid told me: Why did the guy have to have his toe checked out?

Because it had a nail in it.

What do you call a cute door?

Adorable.

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I just met a cute girl named Kidding.

I wish I was fucking kidding.

I call my girlfriend Bambi. She thinks it's because she's cute.

I just really hope her mom gets shot.

Got checked out by cute girl

The total was $3.92

My wife found a cute baby skunk on our holiday

She wanted to bring it home. I told they won't let her take it on the plane, she'd need to hide it down her panties.

"But what about the smell?" She asked.
"Well," I said, "If it dies it dies."

Uvalde citizen gets pulled over

A very cute blonde was pulled over for speeding by an Uvalde motorcycle officer. When he walked up to her window and opened his ticket book, she said, "I bet you're going to sell me a ticket to the policeman's Ball."

The cop replied, "No, ma'am. You're thinking of the Border Patrol , the Uval...

What did the nerd say to the cute girl?

Are you an API because I want to call you?

How do cute animals like their meat?

r/aww

Met a cute guy at the bar, gave him my number and told him to text me when he got home

I guess he's homeless.

My cute younger brother's contribution.

Brother: Why did the chicken cross the road?
Me: Don't know, why?
Brother: To go to the ugly guy's house.
Me: Huh??
Brother: Knock, knock.
Me: Who's there?
Brother: The chicken.

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A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed.

He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom.
While he's in there, the husband tells his wife: "Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lo...

If a kid asks where rain comes from, I think a cute thing to tell the kid is “God is crying”

And if the kid asks why is God is crying, another cute thing to tell the kid is “probably because of something you did”

I call my wife Bambi

She thinks it's because she's cute with big brown eyes. But it's really because I want someone to shoot her mother with a hunting rifle.

**Edit:** Some people have accused me of "being a plagiarist" and "stealing other's jokes"... Their words, not mine...

*Pause for comedic value*
<...

A cute one I heard from a friend at work.

Three animals walk into a bar; A duck,a skunk and a deer. They go up to the bar and order 3 drinks. "5 dollars" Says the bartender. The deer looks at the duck and says "I don't have a buck to my name!" the skunk cries "I have no money, not even a scent!" but the duck says to the bartender "It's alri...

I've been texting this cute dyslexic girl.

I think she likes me, but she keeps sending mixed messages.

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2 short and cute NSFW Jokes

1st -
Question: How does Herman Melville (from Moby Dick) finish off all of his sex stories?

Answer: ||"And there she blows!"||


2nd -
Question: Why does the gas station attendant have a long lasting relationship with his girlfriend?

Answer: ||Cause he always knows how ...

[OC] Why did the pirate say he had cute kitten bandaids?

“To treat me owies…”

Felt cute, got pregnant.

Might delete later.

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My feline died after being crushed during a cute butt contest

It was a cat ass trophy.

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They say one in ten men are homosexual

In my group of friends I'm pretty sure it's Marc. He's really cute

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Sometimes being cute is like having diarrhea.

Sometimes shit just runs in your genes.

A cute girl at work said she'd only go on a date with me on a day that doesn't end in 'Y'

I said "Great! I'll pick you up tomorrow!"

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I’m attracted to my neighbor’s garden decoration. The beard, the cute tummy….

Does that make me a gnomosexual?

Cute repartee from "Dr. Katz"

The good doctor is between clients, and Laura, the administrative assistant, walks into his office. Dr. Katz is lying on his patients' couch and this surprises her.

"I've just never seen you on the couch before," she says.

"Well," Dr. Katz says, "I was just in a reflective mood, and ...

What's the difference between a punchline and a cute girl?

Sometimes I get the punchline :(

A cute little girl walks into a pet store and asks in the sweetest little lisp, "Excuthe me, mithter, do you keep widdle wabbits?"

As the shopkeeper's heart melts, he gets down on his knees, so that he's on her level, and asks, "Do you want a widdle white wabby or a thoft and fuwwy bwack wabby or maybe one like that cute widdle bwown wabby over there?"

She, in turn blushes, rocks on her heels, puts her hands on her knees...

What do you call a cute bull fighter?

Matadorable

*Tips fedora to cute non-binary girl*

m’theydy

Guys I just recently bought a 256GB iPhone 7 Plus, my son dropped it and the screen shattered. Anyways I'm doing a giveaway!

The kid is 8 years old, cute, thin and not really tall.

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Cute Joke

An old Italian lived alone in New Jersey. He wanted to plant his annual tomato garden, but it was very difficult work, as the ground was hard.

His only son, Vincent, who used to help him, was in prison. The old man
wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament:
<...

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My son made me a shirt which spelled "Wrld's best dad!" which is a pretty cute mistake.

But he needs to get his shit together and understand that I have a sweatshop to run.

A mermaid is half cute

The other half is just some lady

What's the similarity between a joke and a small, cute, furry mammal?

They both die when dissected

Why is a destroyed entrance cute?

Because it's a-door-rubble.

A very handsome man gets into a terrible car accident....

The doctors save his life, but he loses one eye. Before a nice glass one can be fitted, he is temporarily given a wooden eye.

The man becomes very depressed because of his eye loss and sits at home, moping around. Eventually his friends come over and drag him out to a bar to try and cheer him...

I was in a bar last night and saw a cute woman sitting alone.

I walked over, said “hi” and asked her “what is your name?”

“Chantelle” she said

“Oh, I wish you would” I replied.

I went in for an X-ray the other day and met a cute radiologist.

I tried to act cool but she saw right through me.

I was at a restaurant and a cute waitress was flirting with me. She gave her email and told me to hit her up sometime. I tried to email her the next day but the internet was down.

I couldn’t connect to the server

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What does a farmer and a cute girl have in common.

They can both raise a cock.

A Sensitive Guy (NSFW-ish)

A woman meets a man in a bar. They talk; they connect; they end up leaving together.


They get back to his place, and as he shows her around his apartment, she notices that one wall of his bedroom is completely filled with soft, sweet, cuddly teddy bears. There are three shelves in the ...

Back in high school..

...I was a huge metal fan. In math class, I had an 8/10 girl next to me, she turns me on so much. I always try really hard to impress her, she's so hot. The teacher starts passing back last weeks test, and 8/10 looks at me, smiles, and starts playing with her hair. I can't handle it, I start spinnin...

A girl asked if I was into S&M. I don't really know a lot about music, but she was cute so I said "sure."

She must have figured out I was lying because she beat the hell out of me.

Why are Italian cops so cute?

Because they're guinea pigs!!

My kitten won top prize in a cute competition.

Unfortunately, they messed up the award... Instead of making it in the shape of a kitty's face they made it into a kitty's behind!!

It's a real cat-ass-trophy!

Some would say that putting decorative soaps that look like food in their bathrooms is cute.

But it leaves a bad taste in my mouth.

A cute girl was towing two tow trucks

She had a great pickup line

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A man gets totally shitfaced after way too much drinks with his friends on a Saturday night, then goes back home. (Long but cute :-)

He has a hard time opening the door, being very careful to not wake up the wife. He starts to climb the stairs to the bedroom, but the world is collapsing every other second around him. He falls, tries to crawl a few more steps, and faints.

Next morning:

He wakes up in pyjamas in bed, ...

How do you stop a cute animal?

You just press paws

My friends suggested I use tinder to meet some cute firemen or policemen

Once it started to burn, I met so many! I even met a reporter and some lawyers!

I was near the local playground, and I tried flirting with the cute single mother.

It was a swing and a Miss.

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So, my friend bought a cute baby donkey

First, he taught it to walk and run. It grew up to carry anything and still run at great speed. After that, he taught it to be friendly to everyone. It grew up to be a great emotional support animal. He taught it to study and read. It grew up to advance animal consciousness research.

So, afte...

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I once dated this really cute chick

But her dad was a cock

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Three married men sit at a bar. one ugly, one average, and one handsome

The conversation shifts to their love lives.

The first, ugly man says "My wife nor I are all that nice to look at, but we have a loving relationship with great communication. We both cook and clean and take care of each other. In fact, since we have trouble looking at each other in bed, we've...

My Korean girlfriend makes some cute mistakes when speaking English. For example:

"Fishing stick" instead of "Fishing rod"

"Tropical tree" instead of "Palm tree"

"Ant-licker" instead of "Uncle"

Cute knock knock with a twist

My little sister (8)
Knock knock
Who’s there?
Nobody
Nobody who?
Why are you asking who’s there if nobody is there?

I really think it is intelligent of her and actually funny!

She told me to tell my Reddit friends. So...

I told my teddy bear it was cute.

it plushed.

I always liked cute nicknames...

My parents called me "disgrace"

Husband to his fat cute wife

You're my only investment that has doubled

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I’m on a date with a cute guy and we start talking about tattoos.

He asks me if I have any tattoos and I say “yeah, some stars on my right hip.” I ask him if he has any and he says “yeah, one on my dick and it says Shorty.” My face falls as I realize what this means just when we are really starting to hit things off. But then he says “when my dick gets hard it say...

When I see lovers' names carved in a tree,

When I see lovers' names carved in a tree, I don't think its cute. I just think it's crazy how many people bring knives on a date.

Drink 'Till She's Cute

A man stopped at his favorite watering hole after a hard days work to relax. He noticed a man next to him ordered a shot and a beer. The man drank the shot, chased it with the beer and then looked into his shirt pocket. This continued several times before the man's curiosity got the best of him. He ...

The cute secretary came angrily out of the boss' cabin. Her friend asked her what had happened inside.

Secretary: He asked me if I was free tonight.
Friend: And?
Secretary: I said yes......and that rascal gave me 50 pages to type!

Ivanka Trump is walking a dog outside the White House...

A Secret Service agent sees her and says "Good Morning, Ma'am."

"Good morning." She replies.

"That's a very cute dog, ma'am." the agent says trying to make polite small talk.

"Oh, thank you. I got it for the President." She replies with a smile.

"Excellent trade, Ma'am."<...

What did the ear of corn say to the cute puppy?

Aww Shucks

Another joke from a really old book, updated somewhat...

A college girl really wants to buy a monkey, but she knows her dad will not send the money for such a pet. So she emails her dad and asks for money to buy a bicycle.

He sends the money, and she buys the cute little monkey. After about a week, she notices that clumps of hair are falling out of...

A good book is a lot like a cute puppy.

Easy to pick up, hard to put down.

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A middle school boy comes home crying...

His dad asks, "What's wrong, son?" "A boy at school called me gay!" the son replied. The dad then says, "Well, if he does it again, you can punch him in the face." The boy then stated, "But he's cute!"

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I met a really cute bird keeper...

She had all kinds of birds at her house.

She had some beautiful parrots, a couple of cockatiels, and a pair of great tits

I told my friends I'm going on a date with a cute girl.

They told me she's imaginary, but joke's on them, so are they.

A girl called me cute today

So I asked if she was a Flat Earther because although flattering she was clearly mistaken.

A communist girl thought I was cute.

Next thing I know she seized my means of reproduction!

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I wanted to get my meat beaten from a cute cop

So i painted it black.

That didn't go too well, I'm in the hospital now with 3 bullet holes in my dick

This cute vegetarian said she knew me

But I never met herbivore

"Awww... your baby is cute!"

...I said to a woman with a stroller one day.
"How old is he?" I asked.

"Well, my friend, little Johnny here is 18 months old!" she replied, motioning to her baby. "Also, I'm sorry to bother you, but what time is it?"

"Sure. It's eighty-three thousand, four hundred thirty-two seco...

What do you call a cute irishman

A sweet potato

"Hey man, the 49th state is pretty cute. Do you know if she's single or not?"

"I'm not sure, but Alaska."

When Gordon Ramsay saw a cute puppy gif on Reddit, why did he get mad?

Because it was /r/aww

I really love cute night predators

They're adorabowl !

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I've been told that one in our circle of friends is gay.

I hope it's Dave, he's cute.

Me: "Aw, your baby is cute. How old?"

Woman: "Thanks, she's 34 weeks. Do you have the time?"

Me: "Sure, it's 972 minutes past midnight."

My girlfriend baked me a cake for cake day with a cute note on it...

...

It was the icing on the cake

My cute female friend said we should streak on Snapchat.

She did not mean what I thought she meant.

Cute girls are great but those who speak about climate are

Greta

Where do dogs go when they need a new tail?

A re-tail store.

I think it’s such a cute joke, it’s one of my favs :)

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This cute college girl won't date me because of my braces

fucking bracist.

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My wife and I are so cute, we're always finishing each other's...

Honey get the fuck off Reddit and do the goddamn dishes already

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A boy tells a cute girl a joke.

LONG

Boy: There are three flies trapped in a jar. One is a male and the other 2 are females. The male fly is at the bottom of the jar just sitting there acting as if nothing is wrong. The females fries are buzzing and trying to get out with everything they are. Then they see the male flying j...

I saw twins in cute matching outfits and asked them, “Your mom always buys matching clothes for you?”

One replied, “Sir, we are not twins. License and Registration please.”

What do you call cute seeds?

Awwwwwwwwwwwwmonds

P.S. it's my birthday please love me

The date I took to the AC/DC concert had buck teeth, giving her a cute beaver smile

She was the best dam woman I had even seen

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So apparently I've got a really cute butt.

As soon as they see me naked, women are always asking me to turn around and walk away.

I love it when girls give me cute nicknames...

Like "help" or "get off me"

I told the cute girl at the grocery store that I wanted to make her mine. Was all smiles and as happy as anything...

For some reason, she got mad when I gave her a pick axe and a helmet with a light on the front.

I like to do the "drink till she's cute thing"....

...Except I'm anti-social, and don't like to hang out in bars. So I sit at home in front of a mirror and drink until I'm cute. That takes a long, long time.

When Winnie the Pooh eats honey straight from the jar with his paw, it's cute...

But when I hang around a donkey while wearing nothing but a red t-shirt, someone calls the cops.

What did the cute duck say when asked what its favorite drug was?

Quack.

Words cannot describe how cute you are.

But numbers can, 3/10.

The captain of our cruise has a hobby of determining what kitchen utensils would make cute couples.

I'm just glad he's shipping the sink, and not the other way round.

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