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There are two statues in a park, one of a nude man and one of a nude woman. They had been facing each other across a pathway for a hundred years, when one day an angel comes down from the sky and, with a single gesture, brings the two to life.

The angel tells them, "As a reward for being so patient through a hundred blazing summers and dismal winters, you have been given life for thirty minutes to do what you've wished to do the most."

He looks at her, she looks at him, and they go running behind the shrubbery. The angel waits pat...

My son, while gazing up at the sky, asked me how stars die

"Usually an overdose", I said

When I was growing up, my parents would tell me, "The sky is the limit"

They weren't supportive of my dreams of becoming an astronaut.

Yesterday my wife pointed at the sky and said "Don't you think that looks exactly like Wonder Woman's plane"

But I didn't see it.

This farmer has about 500 hens, but no rooster, and he wants chicks. So, he goes down the road to the next farmer and asks if he has a rooster that he would sell.

The other farmer says, "Yep, I've got this great rooster, named Kenny. He'll service every chicken you got, no problem." Well, Kenny the rooster costs $3,000, a lot of money, but the farmer decides he'd be worth it. So, he buys Kenny.

The farmer takes Kenny home and sets him down in the barny...

A cowboy is captured by indians. The chief tells the cowboy they'll grant 3 requests before they scalp him.

The cowboy thinks a minute then says, " I wish to say goodbye to my horse then to set him free." So they bring him his horse, he whispers in its ear then sets him off into the sunset. He tells the chief he needs to mull over the third request and the chief agrees to wait until sunset.

As t...

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A good (and very old) joke to explain why people are stocking up on necessities

It was autumn, and the Indians on the remote reservation asked their new Chief if the winter was going to be cold or mild. Since he was an Indian Chief in a modern society, he had never been taught the old secrets.

When he looked at the sky, he couldn't tell what the weather was going to be. ...

Google sky asked me to rate our solar system.

You can only give it one star.

If at first you don't succeed...

...then skydiving isn't for you!

What do you call a bowling ball that falls from the sky and knocks down all the bowling pins?

An Airstrike

The other day I got my kids a dog and they called it Sky

Guess I’m a Jedi now

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I just installed a sky light in an apartment...

The people upstairs were really pissed off about it.

Friend: "I created the brightest star in the night sky."

Me: "You can't possibly B Sirius."

The first humans spent many hours seeing what the sun did in the sky

Then they decided to call it a day.

An aircraft fell out of the sky in soviet Russia

It was Stalin

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An eighty-five year old couple, married for almost sixty years, died in a car crash and went to the Pearly Gates.

They had been in good health for the last ten years, mainly as a result of the wife's interest in healthy diets and exercise.

St. Peter welcomed them into Heaven and took them to their small palace in heaven- complete with a large bedroom, Jacuzzi, full kitchen, and billiards table. "How much...

A Biker was riding his Harley along the beach when suddenly the sky opened above his head

and, in a booming voice, GOD said, 'because you have tried to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish.' The biker pulled over and said, 'Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can ride over anytime I want.' GOD replied, 'Your request is materialistic; think of the enormous challenges for ...

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A nun plays golf and takes the Lord's name in vain

A nun walks into Mother Superior's office and plunks down into a chair. She lets out a sigh heavy with frustration. "What troubles you, Sister?" asks the Mother Superior. "I thought this was the Day you spent with your family?"


"It was," sighed the Sister. "And I went to play golf with ...

A Christian priest in Africa being chased by a lion is running for his life....

While he is running full speed, thinking how to get away from this situation, he starts praying asking god to please turn the lion into a good Christian. He hears a voice from the sky that says: “your prayer has been answered” Suddenly the lion catches up to him and jumps him, trapping him, And mira...

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An Irish Skydiver

Paddy was telling Mick about his first sky-dive.

When I got to the door of the plane I just couldn't jump so the 6ft 7inch black instructor unzips his fly and says: 'If you don't jump you're getting this baby right up your arse!' "

Mick asks: "Did you jump?"

Paddy replies: "A l...

Jesus, Moses, and an old man go golfing together

The first one to tee off is Moses. He smashes the ball and it is heading right for the water hazard before the green. Moses raises his club, the water parts, and the ball makes it to the green.

Jesus gets up to swing, cranks it out, and it is headed for the water hazard. Jesus closes his eyes...

Why don’t blind people sky dive?

I scares the $hit out of the dog.

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A teacher is trying to instruct her class on the meaning of the word "definitely".

"Can anyone give man an example?" She asks.

Suzie raises her "the grass is definitely green."

"Sometimes the grass can be brown," the teacher answers. "Anyone else?"

"The sky is definitely blue." Says Timmy.

"The sky can by gray if it's cloudy, or black at night." Says th...

What's the difference between a golfer and a sky-diver?





Golfer goes: \*Whack!\* "Dammit!"
Sky-diver goes: "Dammit!" \*Whack!\*

A soldier looks at the sky and suddenly yells: "we gotta act fast, it's about to neutralize our base!". His commanding officer says: "What the hell are you talking about, we ain't even at war!?"

The soldier replies: "Acid rain".

What wobbles in the sky?

A jelly-copter

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Here's some advice for all men

If you get a boner in public, point up at the sky and shout "OH FUCK LOOK OVER THERE!" It's all about the missed erection

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Three men arrive in Heaven at the same time.

As they approach the Pearly Gates, Saint Peter appears before them.

"The rules are simple: to get into Heaven, first you have to tell me how you die. If I'm satisfied with your story, you can come in."

The first man steps forward.

"Imagine this. You come home to your sixth-floo...

Two blondes are out shopping

When they're done they head back to their convertible, but suddenly realize they locked the keys inside the car.

While they stand there, not knowing what to do, one of the blondes finally has the bright idea to try and pick the lock with her bobby pin.

The other blonde looks up worri...

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What do you call it when far away, where the earth touches the sky, a prostitute stands up?

Ho risin'

An old man feels a slight precipitation falling from the sky.

An old man feels a slight precipitation falling from the sky.

"It's snowing!" the old man says excitedly to his wife.

"That isn't snow", the wife replies.

"Are you sure? Because this feels a lot like snow to me", the old man says.

"You see that man over there in the crims...

A priest is walking through the jungle when he comes upon a hungry lion.

Just as the lion goes to attack, the priest crosses himself and says, "Lord, if you can hear me, please instill the Holy Spirit in this beast's heart."

The lion stops in his tracks as a bright light begins to glow around him. He looks to the sky, folds his paws in prayer, and says, "Thank you...

Rabbi John is arguing with three other Rabbis over a passage in the Torah.

He argues with them for over an hour before he says

Rabbi John: Alright you three think you're right and I think I'm right. Let's ask God.

The four men walk outside to a cliff, and John shouts to the sky


Rabbi John: God if I'm right send me a sign!


Storm clouds ...

I was wondering what would happen if a rock fell out the sky.

Then it hit me.

A man decides to quit his job and run away to join a pirate crew.

After spending a few hours at the dock, he sees a man who has a peg leg, a hook hand, and an eye patch; the man is obviously a pirate captain. The man promptly joins the captain's crew and they ship out to sea that very day.

Later that night, the man walks up to the captain and says “I’m sorr...

The Lone Ranger and Tonto went camping in the desert.

After they got their tent all set up, both men fell sound asleep.
Some hours later, Tonto wakes the Lone Ranger and says,
'Kemo Sabe, look towards sky, what you see?'
'The Lone Ranger replies, 'I see millions of stars.'
'What that tell you?' asked Tonto.
The Lone Ranger ponders for a ...

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One night, I lie awake in my bed, staring at the night sky and ask myself..

"where the fuck is my roof?"

Funniest Joke in the world

# Adventures of Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson

After dinner and a bottle of wine, they lay down for the night, and go to sleep.

Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend.

"Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."

Watson replied, "I see mil...

A man goes to the confessional. "Forgive me father, for I have sinned."

"What is your sin, my child?" The priest asks back. "Well," the man starts, "I used some horrible language this week and feel absolutely terrible."
"When did you do use this awful language?" said the priest.
"I was golfing and hit an incredible drive that looked like it was going to go over ...

I totally believe that there is a man we can not see, watching us from the sky, passing judgment on our actions, and that there are people who live and die according to a plan of his.

But enough about the NSA.

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Superman is flying high above the sky when he notices Wonder Woman lying naked on a rooftop with her legs spread...

...so he decides to quickly fly down, bone her, and fly out before she even notices. In a split second he swooshes in and does just that.

"What was that?" Wonder Woman shouts loudly.

"I don't know but my butt hurts," Invisible Man replies.

Lord came unto Noah

In the year 2006, the Lord came unto Noah, who was now living in the United
States , and said, "Once again, the earth has become wicked and over-populated,
and I see the end of all flesh before me.

Build another Ark and save 2 of every living thing along with a few good
humans."...

A Programmers son asks, why is the sky blue?

Programmer: It works, don't mess with it!

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It seems like the world is ending these days

We’ve got all this awful shit just falling from the sky. Climate change, global pandemics, economic crashes, Australian wildfire, elections, Kobe Bryant,

A farmer bought a rooster to service his hens.

So, this farmer went out and bought a new rooster as a stud rooster. Every day, the farmer watched the rooster go service all the hens, then the rooster would start in on the pigs, the sheep, the cows, it would mate with them all. The farmer always shook his head and said, "One of these days.. one o...

Moses, Jesus, and an old man are playing golf

They reach a pond of water.

Moses smacks the ball over the water, and raises his staff. Suddenly, the waters part and his ball rolls to the green.

Then, Jesus hits the ball toward the water. He closes his eyes in prayer and the ball rolls on the surface of the water all the way to th...

This hard ball of ice fell from the sky.

I was like: What the hail?

Lucy, In the Sky, With Diamonds…

John Lennon, proving he was a terrible Clue player…

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The mayor of Phoenix was very worried about a plague of pigeons in Phoenix .

He could not remove the pigeons from the city. All of Phoenix was full of pigeon poop, the people of Phoenix could not walk on the sidewalks, or drive on the roads..

It was costing a fortune to keep the streets and sidew alks clean.

One day a man came to City Hall and offered the May...

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When I was a kid my parents told me "never open the basement door"

One day they went out , so I sneaked up to it and pushed it open and saw wonderful things I had never seen before.



Like trees, the sun, the sky.

A woman is walking hand-in-hand with her husband on Christmas Eve In Moscow

They're having a nice night when, suddenly, they start to feel a bit of precipitation on their faces.


The woman looks at her husband and says, "Look, dear, it's raining."


Her husband tells her, "No, dear, it's snowing." Well, this argument goes back and forth for a few minu...

What color is the sky in Florida right now?

Dorian gray

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Two men are cleaning windows on the 99th floor in a lift. One of them has an urge to pee.

Not wanting to travel all the way down Tom proposes he could piss down from the side. Chris hesitates a little because he's afraid of falling down. Tom says he'll hold Chris and Chris agrees. Chris starts pissing down but Tom gets distracted by a fly and he lets Chris go...


A month later ...

Jacob survived the Holocaust, but his family did not. Angrily, Jacob raises his fist to the sky and shouts "God, give me back my family!"

A few seconds later, a big load of fine ashes is poured down on Jacob and a deep voice from above roars "Here you are, Jacob."

Jacob looks down, then he looks up and shyly notes: "They also had gold teeth."

If anyone wants to come and talk about why my heating bills are sky high

\- the door is always open

What's higher than the sky and lower than the sea?

The Netherlands.

What did the ocean say to the sky?

I sea that you are looking blue. Wait, it's because of me, isn't it...

I pointed my gun at the sky and asked my girl to make a wish?

Coz I was shooting star.

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Indian guy is in dire trouble.

His business has gone bust and he's in serious financial trouble.

He's so desperate that he decides to ask Lord Vishnu for help. He goes to the temple and begins to pray. "Oh Vishnu, please help me. I've lost my business and if I don't get some money, I'm going to lose my house as well. Pleas...

What’s the hardest thing about sky diving?

The ground.

what amateurs!

these are a bunch of very juvenile jokes that we used to say when we were kids

three kids talking about their fathers.
1st kid says My dad flies his plane so fast the sky tears up.
2nd kid says Thats nothing, my dad drives so fast the road tears apart
3rd kid says Your dad's are amat...

What did the weeb say, when he saw an alien spaceship fly across the sky?

"Look! A UWO!"

Angela Merkel, Vladimir Putin and Donald Trump are shot during a conference and die...

Up in the sky, they are greeted by Saint Peter who says: ‚You have died. As you are politicians, surely you have sinned. Therefore you must wade through the Swamp of Lies before you can go to Heaven and join Him in eternal happiness.‘

As in her former life, Merkel wants to tackle every challe...

Small talk

The year is 2097. In the midst of a nuclear war, two babies are sent from Earth in a pod to an empty SpaceX bunker on Mars in the hopes they will survive and continue the human race.

After years in isolation and with packaged food becoming scarce, the young humans decided to venture out onto ...

I painted a picture of the overcast sky today.

I call it "A Portrait of Dorian Grey."

Why can you see the LGBT colours in the sky after it rains?

Because the sun just came out.

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It’s 1 in the morning and a drunk bar patron decides it’s time to go home.

He gets up off his barstool and immediately faceplants.

“Oh, holy crap. I’m drunker than I thought!”

He pulls himself up with the barstool, lets go, and faceplants again.

“Shit!”

He crawls to the front door. He tries pulling himself up with the door knob and door frame. O...

Sherlock Holmes and Watson go Camping

They spend the day tracking small animals, fishing, and having a grand time by the shores of a remote lake, before cooking up their dinner and settling into their beds and drifting off to sleep.

Sometime after midnight, Holmes wakes up feeling insightful.
He wakes Watson up.

"Watson...

A photographer was assigned to take photographs of a national park, so he decided to take them from the sky to get the best angle.

He requested permission to rent a plane and the arrangements were made. He was told to report to a nearby airport where a plane would be waiting for him.

He arrived at the airport and saw a plane warming up near the gate. He jumped in with his bag and shouted: “Let’s go!”

The pilot swu...

5 Stages of mental breakdown during lockdown

1. Looking at the sky/ceiling endlessly
2. Thinking you've caught the virus
3. Crying/sudden outbursts
4. Violent streaks
5. Opening a Tik Tok account

The sky above looked ominous, so I asked Siri, "Surely, it's not going to rain again today?!"

It replied, "It is and don't call me Shirley!"

Guess I forgot to take my phone off Airplane mode…

Moses ascends to the mountaintop...

Moses ascends to the mountain top. When he reaches its peak, the voice of God booms from the sky above:

“Moses!” It bellows, “This is the voice of God!”

“You’re God!?” Moses replies, awestruck.

“Yes, it is I, The one true God!”

“I don’t believe it! You’re really God!”
...

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An old joke popular with engineers and other neckbeards

A man dies and surprise! he finds himself in the sky and surrounded by clouds and in front of an old man who asks, ”Heaven or Hell?”

Guy goes, "what kind of question is that?" and the old man sighs and goes, “oh another one. Well allow me to show you and then you can make your decision ...

Why didn't Helen Keller go sky diving?

It scared the hell out of her Seeing Eye dog.

Did you know that there are more airplanes underwater

...than submarines in the sky?

IF i ever see a billion dollars fall from the sky and float around in front of me i am going to grab it.

I suddenly understand fish on a whole new level.

2 Canadians are sitting outside watching the night sky.

When the first guy asks the other “If you had to be one star in the night sky, which one would you be, eh?”

The second guy thinks for a moment and says “I’d probably be the brightest star in the sky.”

To which the first guy quickly responds “You can’t be Sirius A!”

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NSFW Rooster likes to fuck.

OK so there's this farmer and he has a rooster, and this rooster loves to fuck. The farmer comes out of the house one morning and finds all his chickens have been fucked to death by this rooster. He says to the rooster, "if you don't stop fucking like this you're going to kill yourself" . The rooste...

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I've finally watched The Tiger King. shit is bananas

The uncle killed the dad while the kid watched, then the kid ran away and hung out with a warthog and a meerkat for years. Then he hallucinated his dad talking to him from the sky.

Weird.

>!And what's the deal with this monkey?!<

Three knife-wielding ghosts were arguing on a hilltop at night.

Each one of them claimed to be able to kill the most people in a short span of time.

Without further arguing, the first ghost flew off quickly to a distance, and returned an hour later. The blade of his knife was stained red, and all over his white cloak were dark red patches.

"See tha...

A man and his wife are walking through the streets of Moscow in the 40s

Something starts to fall from the sky one christmas evening...

The woman stops and says, "it's snowing!"

Her husband replies, "no, it's raining, I think...."

The two of them argue for a moment before the man stops her, "let's get a second opinion...."

They approach a near...

I was laying in bed last night looking up at the stars in the sky when I thought to myself

Where the hell is my ceiling.

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A young Cherokee boy asked his father...

"Hey Dad, where did you get my brother's name?". His father replied, "You see, while your mother was giving birth, I was waiting outside and when I first heard him cry, I looked up and saw an eagle soaring up in the sky, that's why I named him 'Flying Eagle'".

"How about my sister?", the ki...

A priest goes out practice golfing and has an altar boy caddy for him.

Right off the first tee the priest immediately hooks the ball into a sand trap. He mutters, "God Dammit!!!" The shocked altar boy says, "Father! Isn't that blasphemy?" The priest says, "Awww I'm a priest, he'll forgive me."
On the second tee he hits a bad slice, the ball bounces off a tree and ...

What was the last thing that went through the sky diver's mind when his parachute failed?

His feet.

How do you knock wartime enemy cats out of the sky?

Catflack!

A Native American boy and his father are walking by a creek

The boy looks to his father and asks, “Father, why does my sister have the name Beautiful River?”

The father answers, “That’s because she was conceived next to the most beautiful river.”

Unsatisfied with the answer, he asks, “So why is my brother named Golden Sky?”

“Because he...

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So there’s this teacher that tells her class anyone who correctly answers a special question she’s going to ask on Friday won’t have to come to school on Monday.

On the first Friday, the teacher asks, "How many grains of sand are in the beach?" Needless to say, no one could answer.

The following Friday, the teacher asks the class, "How many stars are in the sky?" and again no one could answer. Frustrated, little Johnny decides that the next Friday, he...

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A little girl was visiting her grandfather and asked him to read her a book, as she was bored

“Alright I suppose I will....”, gave in her grandfather, “...but you are going to have to get me my glasses”, he said.

The girl replied, “why do you need glasses?”

“Well, since I’m getting old, I can’t see very well without them!”, he exclaimed.

The girl took the grandfather out...

Q. 500 bricks are on a plane. One falls off. How many are left?

Q. 500 bricks are on a plane. One falls off. How many are left?

A. 499

Q. What are three steps to putting an elephant in a refrigerator?

A. Open Door, put elephant in refrigerator, close door

Q. What are four steps to putting a giraffe in a refrigerator?

A. Open do...

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Farmer problems (long joke)

There was a farmer, who owned a Datsun Ute. He used this Datsun for all his farm work, feeding the horses.. Throwing bails of hay out the back of it.. Carrying firewood and what not. When all of sudden one day, chug chug chug it breaks down.

So he decides to go back to the shed to grab his tr...

Ice started to fall from the sky the other day...

Oh hail no.

In memoriam

Rapid Roy was a daredevil who specialized in car stunts. He decided to retire in style and end his career by attempting a canyon jump in the worst car he could find. After doing some digging, he came across a Chevy Nova in an auction in Champagne, LA. It was in bad shape, but he took a chance, wo...

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A magical cliff

There were three men at the edge of a magical cliff. Jumping off of this cliff while saying something will turn you into the thing you said.

The first man looked up at the sky and said, “I’ve always wanted to fly,” so he jumped and yelled, “BIRD!” He turned into a bird and flew away.

...

Cerealsly amazing joke

Once upon a time, there was a Cheerio who wanted something to do with his life, because it sucked. He decided he wanted to marry someone. So, one day, he went to the town square and saw a beautiful Fruit Loop. He went up to her and tried to ask her out on a date, but before he could get any words ou...

Request

A man is driving to the meeting. He's already late and nervous. Can't find a place to park his car. He looks at the sky and says:

\- God, please, help me to find a parking place. I will quit drinking alcohol and will go to church every Sunday!

Suddenly he sees a vacant parking place in...

Batman and the Joker are in the retirement home together, working on crafts projects. Batman looks at Joker's cross-stitch of the night sky and asks, "Why'd you leave out the Dog Star?" Joker answers...

"Why sew Sirius?"

God approached the Gates of Heaven, where St. Peter stood.

"Well, Peter, it looks like Heaven is getting full today. Only let in people who have really good stories about how they died."

Used to this, Peter nodded.

The first soul approached the Gates, and Peter stopped him, saying "Unfortunately, Heaven is a little full today. You'll have to t...

A woman brings her dead husband to the funeral home

The mortician comes out and says; "Madam, we have prepared everything for your husband's funeral tomorrow. We just wanted your comment on how he should look since mentioned wanting an open casket?"

The wife looks at her husband and bursts in tears; "I'm sorry, but I see you've dressed him in ...

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