UPJOKE
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Sky Jokes

Birdie, birdie in the sky...

Dropped some white stuff in my eye,

I'm a big boy I won't cry,

I'm just glad that cows don't fly.

A Californian, a Texan and a local are drinking at a bar in Big Sky, MT

After a little bit, The Californian finishes his martini, turns and throws his glass against the wall.

The Bartender, shocked, asks him why the hell he did that.

Californian replies that where he's from, they make so much money they don't have to drink out of the same glass twice.
<...

Why are the developers of NoMansSky called Hellogames?

Because you never get a goodbuy from them

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There are two statues in a park, one of a nude man and one of a nude woman. They had been facing each other across a pathway for a hundred years, when one day an angel comes down from the sky and, with a single gesture, brings the two to life.

The angel tells them, "As a reward for being so patient through a hundred blazing summers and dismal winters, you have been given life for thirty minutes to do what you've wished to do the most."

He looks at her, she looks at him, and they go running behind the shrubbery. The angel waits pat...

The sky was looking ominous so I asked Siri, “Surely, it’s not going to rain today?”

And she replied, “Yes it is, and don’t call me Shirley.”

That was when I realized I’d left my phone on Airplane mode.

I love "technically true" jokes, like:

If everybody in the world held hands around the equator, most of them would drown.

Or

Did you know that after all these years, the swimming pool on Titanic is still filled with water?

Or

There are more airplanes in the ocean than submarines in the sky.

What else ...

Why is the sky blue?

No one bothers to ask how it's feeling.

A business man sees a fisherman laying down on the shore, looking at the sky

- Hi, why aren't you fishing?
- Well, I caught the fishes we plan on eating
- But if you caught more, you could sell them.
- And then what?
- Then you could buy a motor for the boat to catch even more fish
- And then what?
- Then you can sell more fish, get more boats, and even mor...

I was laying in bed last night looking up at the stars in the sky when I thought to myself

Where the hell is my ceiling.

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Why don't they let blind people sky dive?

It scares the shit out the dogs.

Two blondes are sitting out looking at the night sky

"What's closer," said one blonde to the other "the moon or Florida?"

"The moon! Can you see Florida!?"

When I was growing up, my dad always used to tell me, "The sky is the limit"

He was never supportive of my dreams of becoming an astronaut.

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Sherlock Holmes Looks at the Night Sky

Sherlock Holmes and Watson are laying in their sleeping bags looking up at the midsummer sky. Sherlock turns to Watson and asks, "Watson, what do you see?"


"Stars and the moon, dear Holmes," he says.


"What does it mean?" Sherlock asks.


"Well," says Watson. "It ...

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I once installed a sky light in my apartment.

Boy were my upstairs neighbors pissed.

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Guys are now sending dirty pics against a background of the night sky with star trails.

They're calling it schlong exposure photography

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It's total bullshit that you need a parachute to go sky diving.

You need a parachute if you plan to sky dive twice.

I'm the Brightest star in the Night sky. I'm not joking....

I'm Sirius.

Why did the sky blush?

Because it saw the oceans bottom

I used to say 'Only the sky is the limit'

Guess that's why I lost my job at NASA.

A donkey fell out of the sky into my lawn!

Meet Eeyore.

What's at the centre of No Man's Sky universe?

A refund.

credit to /u/xROSSTHEHOSSx (saw it on another post as comment, thought it deserved own post)

It’s amazing how many animals you can see while looking at clouds in the sky…

I mean, 99% of them are just sheep without legs or heads, but it’s amazing isn’t it?!!

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A farmer buys a young cock. As soon as he gets home it fucks all of his 150 hens. The farmer is impressed. At lunch, the cock again screws all 150 hens. Next day it's fucking the ducks and the geese too

Sadly, later in the day the farmer finds the cock lying on the ground half-dead and vultures circling over its head. Farmer yells , "You deserve it, you horny bastard!"

The cock slowly opens one eye, looks up at the sky and whispers , " Shhhhhh, They're about to land!!!"

The sky was blue, the moon was high, we were together, just her and I...

The sky was blue, the moon was high, we were together, just her and I.

Her hair was brown, her eyes baby blue, I knew exactly what she wanted to do.

And so, with courage, I did my best and laid my hand upon her breast.

Her face was light, her body fine, I ran my finger down her ...

Red sky at night, shepherds delight.

Blue sky at night, day.

I saw a flock of raven flying in the sky the other day

It was an act of unkindness

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Here's some advice for all men

If you get a boner in public, point up at the sky and shout "OH FUCK LOOK OVER THERE!" It's all about the missed erection

(A joke I wrote myself) A Russian man walks through the streets of Moscow.

As he passes by the headquarters of a major company, he notices a poor man in decrepit clothes standing by the building, seemingly waiting for something, looking at the sky. "Another poor crazy weirdo", he thinks. He keeps on walking.

The next day, he passes near another company's HQ, and see...

A cowboy is captured by indians. The chief tells the cowboy they'll grant 3 requests before they scalp him.

The cowboy thinks a minute then says, " I wish to say goodbye to my horse then to set him free." So they bring him his horse, he whispers in its ear then sets him off into the sunset. He tells the chief he needs to mull over the third request and the chief agrees to wait until sunset.

As t...

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A kindergarten teacher one day is trying to explain to her class the definition of the word “definitely.” To make sure the students have a good understanding of the word, she asks them to use it in a sentence.

The first student raises his hand and says, “The sky is definitely blue.”

The teacher says, “Well, that isn’t entirely correct, because sometimes it’s gray and cloudy.”

Another student says, “Grass is definitely green.”
The teacher again replies, “If grass doesn’t get enough wate...

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Do you know why women wear tampons when they go sky diving?

So they don't whistle on the way down.

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We were looking up at the sky and my astronomer friend said, “Do you know what a white dwarf is?”

Me: Yes. I think his name is Peter Dinklage.

A Jewish grandmother is walking on the beach with her grandson...

Suddenly, a rogue wave comes in and sweeps the grandson out to sea. Distraught, the grandmother looks to the sky and says, "Oh god, i have always been true and faithful to you. Please bring my grandson back." And with that, another wave comes in and deposits the grandson safely on the shore. The gra...

A man saw a gorgeous flight attendant sitting alone reading the paper in an international airport.

He couldn’t quite pin down the exact airline, but he wanted to show off as a man of the world. He tried by saying Air France’s old motto. ‘Making the sky the best place on earth!’ The stewardess gave him the side eye but otherwise ignored him. Undeterred, he tried Singapore Airlines’. ‘A great way t...

What's white and falls from the sky?

Depressed Businessmen

I inherited a magic device that floats in the sky and weaves magic carpets.

You might say it’s a “family air loom.”

What's the difference between a bad golfer and a bad sky diver?

One goes, "*Whack!* Damn." The other goes, "Damn! *Whack.*"

A man is playing golf, but keeps missing all his shots, and swearing, until a priest comes up to him and tells him not to use the lords name in vain.

"Jesus's christ! Missed again!" The golfer shouts in anger. "You mustn't swear like that, or God will enact his wrath on you." The priest explains. But the man doesn't listen.

His next shot is even further off. "Jesus christ! Missed again." The man yells in anger. The priest explains again, h...

I've never been sky diving....

But, I've zoomed in on Google Earth really fast.

What’s the hardest thing about sky diving?

The ground.

What do you call vehicles falling from the sky?

Van Halen

Angela Merkel, Vladimir Putin and Donald Trump are shot during a conference and die...

Up in the sky, they are greeted by Saint Peter who says: ‚You have died. As you are politicians, surely you have sinned. Therefore you must wade through the Swamp of Lies before you can go to Heaven and join Him in eternal happiness.‘

As in her former life, Merkel wants to tackle every challe...

I'm walking down the street when out of nowhere a shellfish falls out of the sky

and hits me in the head. Dazed, I pick up the mollusk and say "Where did you come from, little guy?" The shell creases open slightly and I hear it say "A tornado picked me and threw me. You better get somewhere safe, it's headed this way!" I look around and see mostly blue skies, except for a few cl...

Do you know which animal comes from the sky?

Reindeer

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A Chinese general, an American Officer, and a random drunk asshole sit down in a bar and start to brag.

"If all our bombers were to be airborne at once," says the American, "you wouldn't be able to see any part of the sky".

"Hah" boasts the Chinese General, "if all our soldiers were to march at once, you wouldn't be able to see an inch of the ground."

The situation grows tense, and the d...

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There's only gonna be seven planets in the sky tonight!

"Why? There's eight planets." She said with a look that only someone truly offended can give you. Our hero and Random Girl #24 talked for hours about space, planets, and stars until they both were well aquatinted with one another. She was leaning on his shoulder and then asked again, "why'd you say ...

The first humans spent many hours seeing what the sun did in the sky

Then they decided to call it a day.

Sometimes I lay awake In bed and stare up at the sky then think

Where the hell did my roof go?

Guy is nervous about sky diving.

The diving instructor tells him "When you hit altitude just pull the chute cord and you'll be fine."

Guy asks, "What if that doesn't work?"

Instructor says, "Then pull the reserve."

Guy, still nervous, "okay but what if that doesn't work"

"OK, listen, if that fails just l...

I just met this really attractive sky diving instructor.

You could say I fell for him.

What font is sky writing in?

Aerial

A priest goes in a safari...

A priest goes on a safari in Africa. He gets separated from the group and has the bad luck of finding himself alone, facing a hungry lion.
Priest: "Dear Lord, I haven't asked for much in life, but if it is of Thy all-knowing will, please concede me the grace that this lion be imbued with Christi...

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What do you call it when a Nazi leader is falling from the sky?

Hail Hitler

What's the difference between water falling from the sky and hamburgers falling from the sky?

One of them is a meatier shower.

Did you hear about the guy who vomited while sky diving?

It's all over town.

Q. 500 bricks are on a plane. One falls off. How many are left?

Q. 500 bricks are on a plane. One falls off. How many are left?

A. 499

Q. What are three steps to putting an elephant in a refrigerator?

A. Open Door, put elephant in refrigerator, close door

Q. What are four steps to putting a giraffe in a refrigerator?

A. Open do...

Just an inch !

An American, an Afghan and an Frenchman sitting outside a bar, keep arguing about how their country is more advanced. A heated debate between the American and Frenchman continues whilst the Afghan can't seem to beat either of them and seems visibly frustrated.
" Our military is so advanced that ...

Sky diving

A sky diver had just pulled his main chute and found it wouldn't open. He quickly tries his reserve chute, still nothing. Now in a panic falling towards the ground he see's a man flying up towards him at an incredible speed. In stunned disbelieve as they pass each other the sky diver screams out "do...

*coins falling from the sky*

Me: what is this?
Climate: change

Have you heard of the blind girl that went sky diving?

She had a great time but her dog didn’t

Google sky asked me to rate our solar system.

You can only give it one star.

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My wife is going sky diving and I'm truly terrified

The last time something that large hit the ground the fucking dinosaurs died!

A Programmers son asks, why is the sky blue?

Programmer: It works, don't mess with it!

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The Indians on a remote reservation in Oklahoma asked their new chief if the coming winter was going to be cold or mild:

The Indians on a remote reservation in Oklahoma asked their new chief if the coming winter was going to be cold or mild:
Since he was a chief in modern society, he had never been taught the old secrets. When he looked at the sky, he couldn't tell what the winter was going to be like.
Never...

A bad math joke I came up with

A little boy sees something way up in the sky and runs to his mom to ask her what it is. She points the boy to his father and tells him to ask him so the boy runs over to his father and asks what is in the sky. The father can't answer either but points the boy to his uncle saying he should be able ...

Red sky at night; shepherds delight, red sky in morning; shepherds warning

Minced lamb, potato, onion and carrot; shepherd's pie.

2 Canadians are sitting outside watching the night sky.

When the first guy asks the other “If you had to be one star in the night sky, which one would you be, eh?”

The second guy thinks for a moment and says “I’d probably be the brightest star in the sky.”

To which the first guy quickly responds “You can’t be Sirius A!”

"I looked up into the sky and matched each star with a reason why I love you."

"That's so sweet."

"Not particularly. It was a cloudy day."

I would also look towards the sky before my trigonometry test

I was looking for a sine from up above

A blind man goes sky-diving.

A man, legally blind from birth decided that he wanted to live it up; to get out in the world and do things he'd always wanted to do, despite his disability. He'd start, he figured, with sky-diving; something he'd always been curious about.

So he signs up for a tandem dive, gets a proper orie...

My son asks me "Why is it raining? Is the sky sad?"

and I reply, "Yes son, the sky is pretty blue."

What did the ocean say to the sky?

I sea that you are looking blue. Wait, it's because of me, isn't it...

An old man was looking at the sky and crossing the road...

A motorcyclist was about to hit him... he managed to avoid him and yelled at the old man, "Look where you are going or go where your are looking "


Translated from Marathi. I heard it from a friend.

Lucy, In the Sky, With Diamonds…

John Lennon, proving he was a terrible Clue player…

Why didn't Helen Keller go sky diving?

It scared the hell out of her Seeing Eye dog.

The sky had a rainbow color to it today.

I guess the sun's coming out.

Two priests were playing golf...

Father Bob hit his ball into the woods on his first swing, "Damn it! That totally missed!" he cursed.

"You shouldn't curse Father Bob!" said Father Michael "Or god might punish you!"

Father Bob apologized and they went on playing.

On his next swing, Father Bob hit his ball into ...

An aircraft fell out of the sky in soviet Russia

It was Stalin

Nooo you were supposed to shoot at the sky too!

Haha Aaron go Brr

Jesus and Satan were having an ongoing argument about who was better on his computer.

They had been going at it for days, and God was tired of hearing all of the bickering.

Finally God said, "Cool it. I am going to set up a test that will run two hours and I will judge who does the better job."

So Satan and Jesus sat down at the keyboards and typed away. They moused. Th...

Today I wrote my first fully original joke. It's bad.

So there was once this one giant who had magic powers. So the giant being so tall and heavy was afraid of storing things on the floor because he would sometimes step on them and break them without realizing it.

After enough times of that happening he decided he would use his magic to just ma...

This hard ball of ice fell from the sky.

I was like: What the hail?

Sky News: Islamic State have been defeated.

Is that the opposite of being beheaded?.

Jesus, Mohammed, and Moses are all playing golf.

Mohammed tees up first, hits it nice and straight onto the green. Moses tees up with a nice clean shot, and his ball also lands a few yards from the hole.

Jesus tees up, and completely whiffs it. The ball rolls a few inches off the tee.

Suddenly, a gopher pops up out of the ground, g...

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A man goes to a priest to confess.

“Forgive me father, for I have sinned" says the man.

“What did you sin, my son?" the priest asks him.

“Well, my wife and I went to my sister-in-law’s for dinner, we had dinner, then as soon as we were going to go home, the weather, father, it was getting cloudy and it looked like it ...

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A man walks into a bar. The bartender greets him and says, For 5 bucks, I’ll show you something amazing...

The man agrees and hands over his 5 bucks.

The bartender pulls out a small piano and a guy who is only about a foot tall. The guy sits down and plays an amazing tune on the piano.

“Wow he’s amazing. Where did you get him!?!”

He bartender replied, “There is a genie on the corner,...

What's higher than the sky and lower than the sea?

The Netherlands.

What color is the sky in Florida right now?

Dorian gray

How does a blind sky diver know when they're about to land?

The leash goes slack.

There's a man named Johnson who owns a nail company, Johnson Nails.

Business had been slow lately, so Johnson figures he might want to try putting out a youtube video to drum up some business.

He goes to an advertising agency and meets a man named Jim who assures him he can make the perfect ad for Johnson's company. He tells Johnson to come back the nex...

Why did Atlas stop holding up the sky?

Flat earth believers convinced him that it would remain, but he got carried away.

I painted a picture of the overcast sky today.

I call it "A Portrait of Dorian Grey."

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A plane's engine cuts out and starts to fall from the sky

Everyone on the plane starts to freak out and lose their shit. A gorgeous woman stands up and asks, "Is there a man here that can make me feel like a real woman before we die?" Graciously, a well fit man stands up and starts to walk towards the woman while unbuttoning his shirt. He throws his shi...

What happened when the pilot pulled a prank on the sky diver?

The skydiver fell for it!

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A nun was chatting with Mother Superior.

"I used some horrible language this week and feel absolutely terrible about it."



"When did you use this awful language?" asks the elder nun.



"Well, I was golfing and hit an incredible drive that looked like it was going to go over 280 yards, but it struck a phone line t...

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I looked up at Canus Major and a star told me "I'm the brightest star in the sky!"

And I said "You can't be Sirius!"

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One night, I lie awake in my bed, staring at the night sky and ask myself..

"where the fuck is my roof?"

My son, while gazing up at the sky, asked me how stars die

"Usually an overdose"

Ice started to fall from the sky the other day...

Oh hail no.

Why is the sky blue?

Son: Dad..Why is the sky blue?

Dad: Because if it was green, we wouldn't know where to stop mowing the lawn.

My ex-partners privates remind me of the sky

Every person on Earth has seen them

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