I totally believe that there is a man we can not see, watching us from the sky, passing judgment on our actions, and that there are people who live and die according to a plan of his.

But enough about the NSA.

A soldier looks at the sky and suddenly yells: "we gotta act fast, it's about to neutralize our base!". His commanding officer says: "What the hell are you talking about, we ain't even at war!?"

The soldier replies: "Acid rain".

A Programmers son asks, why is the sky blue?

Programmer: It works, don't mess with it!

What did the ocean say to the sky?

I sea that you are looking blue. Wait, it's because of me, isn't it...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

One night, I lie awake in my bed, staring at the night sky and ask myself..

"where the fuck is my roof?"

If anyone wants to come and talk about why my heating bills are sky high

\- the door is always open

When I was little, I cried when my parents told me the sky was the limit...

I wanted to be an astronaut.

Why is the sky blue?

Chuck Norris told it a sad story.

A photographer was assigned to take photographs of a national park, so he decided to take them from the sky to get the best angle.

He requested permission to rent a plane and the arrangements were made. He was told to report to a nearby airport where a plane would be waiting for him.

He arrived at the airport and saw a plane warming up near the gate. He jumped in with his bag and shouted: “Let’s go!”

The pilot swu...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why don't blind people skydive?

It scares the shit out of their dogs.

Why didn't Helen Keller go sky diving?

It scared the hell out of her Seeing Eye dog.

My friend said he discovered the brightest star in the night sky.

There is no way he could possibly B Sirius.

What do you call an electric bolt from the sky that profusely apologizes after zapping you?

Politning.

Why did Atlas stop holding up the sky?

Flat earth believers convinced him that it would remain, but he got carried away.

An old couple had lived under utility lines their whole life. One day the man saw a crew digging up the old wooden posts and chopping them up. Excitedly he ran inside to tell his wife “They’re finally removing those ugly lines!” The next morning they went outside to see a clear view of the sky...

But the lines were still there, held up by shiny new metal poles. His wife looked at him disappointedly, sighed, and swore, “God damn repost.”

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson went on a camping trip. As they lay down for the night, Holmes said:” Watson, look up into the sky and tell me what you see?"

Watson said, "I see millions and millions of stars."

Holmes: "And what does that tell you?"

Watson: "Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Theologically, it tells me that God is great and that we are small and insignificant...

IF i ever see a billion dollars fall from the sky and float around in front of me i am going to grab it.

I suddenly understand fish on a whole new level.

What was the last thing that went through the sky diver's mind when his parachute failed?

His feet.

Ice started to fall from the sky the other day...

Oh hail no.

2 Canadians are sitting outside watching the night sky.

When the first guy asks the other “If you had to be one star in the night sky, which one would you be, eh?”

The second guy thinks for a moment and says “I’d probably be the brightest star in the sky.”

To which the first guy quickly responds “You can’t be Sirius A!”

Sky News: Islamic State have been defeated.

Is that the opposite of being beheaded?.

Did you hear what NASA's new slogan will be once their budget is cut?

"NASA: The Sky's The Limit"

The Thunder God astride his horse came riding from the sky.

A majestic sight for all to see, a Marvel for the eye!
He held aloft his hammer great, lightning flashed and thunder boomed!
"I AM THOR!" he cried.
His horse replied, "Well you forgot your thaddle, thilly."

What’s the hardest thing about sky diving?

The ground.

Why can you see the LGBT colours in the sky after it rains?

Because the sun just came out.

So I adopted a 5 year old child from China

And she said to me: "Why is the sky blue?"

One of the Monty Python team has invented an unmanned aircraft that does sky-writing that’s spelled the same backwards as forwards...

It’s a Palin drone...

Batman and the Joker are in the retirement home together, working on crafts projects. Batman looks at Joker's cross-stitch of the night sky and asks, "Why'd you leave out the Dog Star?" Joker answers...

"Why sew Sirius?"

My daughter came from school all upbeat and confident telling me how the teacher told them that "Sky's the limit" and they should be "reaching for the stars".

So I installed skylight above her bed and told her to look up the glass ceiling.

Red sky at night: Shepherd’s delight

Blue sky at night: Day

As I laid in bed looking up at the night sky, I pondered to myself...

What the hell happened to my roof?

A man walks into a bar

and he sees this small man playing the piano. The man, astounded, asks the bartender why there is a small man playing the piano in the bar. The bartender pulls out a dusty old lamp and says that there is a genie in there and that he would grant one wish to anyone who frees him.
So the man walks o...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A teacher asks her 1st grade class to make a sentence with the word "definitely" in it...

Little Suzy stands up and says "the sky is definitely blue!"
"No," the teacher replies. "It depends on the weather, the sky can be gray and at night its black."
Another student stands up and says "trees are definitely green!"
The teacher replies "no, during autumn the leaves change color."...

Sky diving

A sky diver had just pulled his main chute and found it wouldn't open. He quickly tries his reserve chute, still nothing. Now in a panic falling towards the ground he see's a man flying up towards him at an incredible speed. In stunned disbelieve as they pass each other the sky diver screams out "do...

Angela Merkel, Vladimir Putin and Donald Trump are shot during a conference and die...

Up in the sky, they are greeted by Saint Peter who says: ‚You have died. As you are politicians, surely you have sinned. Therefore you must wade through the Swamp of Lies before you can go to Heaven and join Him in eternal happiness.‘

As in her former life, Merkel wants to tackle every challe...

The sky above looked ominous, so I asked Siri, "Surely, it's not going to rain again today?!"

It replied, "It is and don't call me Shirley!"

Guess I forgot to take my phone off Airplane mode…

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two dead women souls met while flying to the sky..

The first one asks the other, how did you die? She answers, I died from freezing in the cold, what about you ? The first one says, well, I drove back home and saw my husband getting inside with a girl, so I quietly followed them in, but when I opened door I couldn't find the bitch. So I was furiousl...

My son saw an airplane in the sky and he asked me what it was doing?

I said it was running AIRands

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The word DEFINITELY...

One day in class, the teacher was teaching the kids the vocabulary word of the day.

"Ok class, the word for the day is definitely. Can anyone use it in a sentence?" she asked.

Straight A's Sally in the front row raises her hand and says, "The tree is definitely green."

"Sorry Sa...

If you're ever lost in the woods, just look up at the sky for the North Star.

Its twinkling will comfort you as you die.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Wife phoned her husband, be careful on the road, just seen on sky news some idiot is driving the wrong way down the interstate, husband replies one?

There are fucking hundreds.

A man that had a stuttering problem wanted to try sky diving for the first time

So before he jumped the trainer told him to count to ten then open the parachute he approved and jumped off the plane he spent a lot of time falling down over 10 seconds and then he hit the ground his friends ran to check on him he was about to die his last words were ss....i...x

*coins falling from the sky*

Me: what is this?
Climate: change

What's the difference between a bad golfer and a bad sky diver?

One goes, "*Whack!* Damn." The other goes, "Damn! *Whack.*"

I feel like the world really missed an opportunity by calling people that study the sky astronomers

They should’ve called them skyentists.

Teacher offers middle school students a monday absence. If....

...Anyone can use the term 'definitely' properly in a phrase.

So Sarah raises her hand, and says "The sky is definitely blue."

Teacher tells her: "That's a very good response! But, sometimes the sky turns rather pink, or it gets dark out, and the sky gets black. Anyone else?"

A...

Tell a person there's a million stars in the sky and he'll believe you.

But tell a person that the bench is freshly painted and he'll touch it just to make sure.

My wife wanted to name our daughter after something from the heavens ("Sky", "Aurora", "Luna", etc.)

We settled on "Steve"

What's white and falls from the sky?

Depressed Businessmen

Q. 500 bricks are on a plane. One falls off. How many are left?

Q. 500 bricks are on a plane. One falls off. How many are left?

A. 499

Q. What are three steps to putting an elephant in a refrigerator?

A. Open Door, put elephant in refrigerator, close door

Q. What are four steps to putting a giraffe in a refrigerator?

A. Open do...

A man walks into a bar. The bartender greets him and says, For 5 bucks, I’ll show you something amazing...

The man agrees and hands over his 5 bucks.

The bartender pulls out a small piano and a guy who is only about a foot tall. The guy sits down and plays an amazing tune on the piano.

“Wow he’s amazing. Where did you get him!?!”

He bartender replied, “There is a genie on the corner,...

A Nun is very distraught...

A nun walks into Mother Superior's office and plunks down into a chair. She lets out a sigh heavy with frustration.

'What troubles you, Sister?' asked the Mother Superior. 'I thought this was the day you spent with your family.'

'It was,' sighed the Sister. 'And I went to play golf w...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

There are japanese car parts falling from the sky here

It's raining datsun cogs

I asked my Dad what I could be when I'm older and he told me "The sky is the limit".

It really upset me because I've always wanted to be an astronaut.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A plane hits a flock of ducks and begins to fall out the sky.

The people on the plane start screaming in horror in their final moments. This one beautiful wan suddenly stands up, tears open her shirt and says "I can die like this. Who's man enough to make me feel like a woman one last time."

A man stands up a few rows back. Pops his button up shirt off ...

You don't need a parachute to go skydiving.

You need a parachute to go skydiving twice.

Son: (Sobbing) "Dad, my teacher said I would never be the brightest star in the sky"

Dad: "You're not Sirius?!"

Why do you only see Peter Pan in the sky?

Because he Neverlands

A 3 year old told me this joke: what's in the sky and jiggles?

A jellycopter

A preacher and soldier are on a plane that is falling out of the sky with no parachutes...

The preacher turns to the soldier and angrily says “God has failed us. I have devoted my life to him and he rewards me with this?” The preacher promptly throws his bible out of the airplane.

The soldier reaches over to comfort the preacher. The soldier looks at him and says “before we die, I’...

What's at the centre of No Man's Sky universe?

A refund.

credit to /u/xROSSTHEHOSSx (saw it on another post as comment, thought it deserved own post)

The sky was dark, the moon was high, we were together, just her and I.

The sky was dark, the moon was high, we were together, just her and I.
Her hair was brown, her eyes were blue, I knew just what, she wanted to do.
So with my hand, I did my best, I ran my hand across her chest.
Her body was good, her hair was fine, I ran my hand across her spine, I felt a s...

Noah's Ark 2.0

In the year 2016, the Lord came unto Noah, Who was now living in America and said:
"Once again, the earth has become wicked and over-populated, and I see the end of all flesh before me."
"Build another Ark and save 2 of every living thing along with a few good humans."

He gave Noah ...

A man finds a mysterious ancient lamp...

The man dusts off the ancient lamp and out comes a genie!

The genie says to the man:

"you have awoken me from my slumber! I will grant you 3 wishes as a reward for finding me."

The man responds to the genie with great excitement

"Oh man thank you so much, I don't know whe...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

While at work, a man hears a voice from the sky.

The voice said, “Quit your job”.
The man hesitated, but realising that this voice was the voice of God, he quit his job.
Next, the voice told him to sell all his property and bring all the money to vegas.
The man was scared, but he did it anyway.
When arriving at vegas, the voice asked ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A kindergarten teacher one day is trying to explain to her class the definition of the word "definitely" to them.

To make sure the students have a good understanding of the word, she asks them to use it in a sentence. The first student raised his hand and said "The sky is definitely blue". The teacher said, "Well, that isnt entirely correct, because sometimes its gray and cloudy".

Another student says, "...

My son was mad at me today, and said "I wish my dad was dead!"

My son was mad at me today, and said "I wish my dad was dead!" The sky went dark and there was a loud crack of thunder that freaked me out. But then nothing happened, so we went home.

My wife was home, and she was very upset. Her personal trainer had been killed by lightning.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An officer, a lawyer, a priest and three boy scouts are on a plane tumbling from the sky. They only have three parachutes.

The officer says "save the boys they have their whole lives ahead of them!" The lawyer says "fuck the boys I want to live!" The priest says "when do we start?"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Birdy, birdy, in the sky..

..dropped a poopy in my eye. I didn't care, I didn't cry. I just thank God that cows don't fly.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I once installed a sky light in my apartment.

Boy were my upstairs neighbors pissed.

A cosmonaut's sob story

I always knew that I wanted to be as astronaut , even when I was a little boy. However, I knew my father would not be supportive of me because he would always tell me "The sky's the limit!"

"I looked up into the sky and matched each star with a reason why I love you."

"That's so sweet."

"Not particularly. It was daytime."

Charles, Angus and Patrick are in a helicopter when the pilot informs them they are losing altitude.

Desperately, they throw out whatever they have on them. Charles throws out his teapot, Angus throws out his bagpipes and Patrick throws out a bomb. The helicopter recovers and they land safely.

When Charles gets home, he finds his father in the garden crying. When he asks him what happened, ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A team of Nazi spies parachutes in Britain during WW2.

They're all well-trained, they know their mission, they have their legends. But when they're still above the ocean, suddenly a terrible thunderstorm hits them. The hurricane scatters them, some of them smash into the cliffs, others hit the waves and drown. Only one last spy, by sheer luck or miracle...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My wife is going sky diving and I'm truly terrified

The last time something that large hit the ground the fucking dinosaurs died!

A boy scout and a nerd go for camping

They slept inside their tent but in the middle of the night the boy scout wakes up the nerd and asks him what's above them.
Nerd: A sky full of stars

Boy scout:What does that imply?

Nerd:Obviously it means that the Earth is after all only a small part of the universe and there mig...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Zeus is offering a seat in his Pantheon to one who can complete his trials of strength.

An esteemed hero of all men approaches Olympus and thinks hey, why the hell not. If I lose I may be disappointed, but if I win I will join the legendary Gods of the Pantheon!


So he makes his way to Zeus, excited to see what is in store for him in order to prove his worth to the Gods. Al...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What plane was used by the Navy to draw the dick in the sky?

A Boeing.

I pointed to the night sky and said, "Look, it's a mo!"

"A mo?" asked my friend. "What's a mo?"

I said, "A half-moon."

My wife died in a sky diving accident.

Does anybody want a parachute, used once , never opened. ?

Jackson and Kevin

Kevin and his friend Jackson both loved baseball very much. One day, Jackson asked Kevin,

“do you think there’s baseball in heaven?”.

“Not sure” Kevin replied.

A few days later, Jackson was hit by a drunk driver and died. Kevin took it hard a would spend hours walking the beach...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Priest and nun playing golf.

A priest and a nun are playing golf. The nun, on the first course, swing and hit the ball, right in the hole at the first strike. The priest hit the ball and threw it around. "Fxxx! I've missed!" said the priest. The nun glance at him and disagrees, moving the head. On the second hole, same scene: t...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Sherlock Holmes Looks at the Night Sky

Sherlock Holmes and Watson are laying in their sleeping bags looking up at the midsummer sky. Sherlock turns to Watson and asks, "Watson, what do you see?"

"Stars and the moon, dear Holmes," he says.

"What does it mean?" Sherlock asks.

"Well," says Watson. "It quite simply means...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A old man and a young man play golf

The young man sees an old man hug an incredibly attractive 24 year old blonde. The woman leaves in a sport car peeling out of the facility wildly while leaving the old man with his golf gear. The old man walks towards the course smiling and seems to be settling up to start his game. The young man wa...

An English man,an Irish man, a french man and a German man get on a plane

The English man dropped a stone off the plane. The Irish man dropped a brick off the plane. The french man dropped a knife off the plane. The German man dropped a bomb off the plane. When the English man got home, he found his dad crying in the garden. “Why are you crying?” said the English man. <...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man walks into a bar...

As soon as he enters, he hears the most beautiful music he's ever heard from a piano. He immediately walks to the piano and sees a 12 inch pianist playing a song.

He walks over to the bartender and asks, "where did he come from?"

The bartender replies, "I got him from a genie who liv...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Three men were trapped in a desert. Crying for God's help, they heard a voice from the sky...

So the voice tells them, "I shall give you one chance and one chance only to leave this place. Run to the top of that hill and yell what you want to become. You will then transform into what you yelled.

After some thinking, the first man ran up to the top of the hill and yelled, "Eagle!" befo...

I posted a question about the brightest star in the night sky, but all I got were joke replies.

Should've added the [Sirius] tag.

Lone Ranger camping

The Lone Ranger and Tonto were camping in the wilderness. After they got their tent set up, both men fell sound asleep. Some hours later, Tonto wakes the Lone Ranger and says,"'Kemo Sabe, look towards sky, what you see?"
The Lone Ranger replies, "I see millions of stars."
"What that tell you?...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A poor Irish family...

A poor Irish family lives on a farm and they rely on their single cow for income.

One morning, the father walks outside to find their cow dead.

"There is nothing that could help get us out of poverty now," says the dad as he shoots himself.

The mom walks outside and sees the dad...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My Shaggy Dog Joke

WARNING: This joke will probably not be funny.

There was this young boy who fantasized about flying like the birds one day. Every day after school he would try to make an invention that would allow him to soar above the clouds.

Every time he failed. Kids would bully him for flailing t...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A plane's engine cuts out and starts to fall from the sky

Everyone on the plane starts to freak out and lose their shit. A gorgeous woman stands up and asks, "Is there a man here that can make me feel like a real woman before we die?" Graciously, a well fit man stands up and starts to walk towards the woman while unbuttoning his shirt. He throws his shi...

Why is the sky blue?

Son: Dad..Why is the sky blue?

Dad: Because if it was green, we wouldn't know where to stop mowing the lawn.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Paddy and Mick go camping...

Paddy and Mick decide to go camping.

They pack their bags with food and supplies and head off into the woods.

After eight long hours of walking, Paddy turns to Mick and asks, “Shall we set up camp?”

“No,” Mick replies. “Let’s keep walking some.”

They move deeper into the ...

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.