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Heavenward Jokes

A man was driving home and was stopped by a traffic cop. He said, 'You're weaving down this road, 'What is in that Water Bottle?' The man said, 'Plain water.' the Cop took a sip and said, "This is red wine.'

The man looked at him, raised his eyes heavenward, and said, 'THANK YOU JESUS, YOU'VE DONE IT AGAIN.'

The Lost Bible

One day a devout preacher lost his favorite Bible while he was at a spiritual retreat in the mountains. He was devastated, and began to lose his faith. Three weeks later, a dog walked up to him after church service, carrying the Bible in its mouth. The preacher couldn't believe his eyes.

He ...

Five people were tragically killed in a car accident

As their souls drifted heavenwards, they saw a band of angels, and they cried out "Ah! Angels!"

The angels saw the souls, but were too polite to say anything.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two nuns in the park...

Two nuns, Sister Mary and Sister Elizabeth are walking through the park when they are jumped by two thugs. Their habits are ripped from them and the men begin to sexually assault them.

Sister Elizabeth casts her eyes heavenward and cries, "Forgive him Lord, for he knows not what he is doing!...

An astronomer, a physicist, and a mathematician in Scotland

An astronomer, a physicist, and a mathematician are on a train headed for Scotland. As they cross the border, they see a black sheep. The astronomer cries out, “All sheep in Scotland are black.”. The physicist says,”Some sheep in Scotland are black”. The mathematician raises his eyes heavenward and ...

An Irish Whaler (Long)

There was once an Irish whaler. Like Ahab, he had a particular nemesis whom he had hunted most of his life. Old and gnarled, he declared one more quest to vanquish his foe before descending into his Mother Earth.

Unlike Ahab however, revenge was not his only motive. This particular whale a...

Looking for a spot

So this guy, Seamus, is driving around a parking lot, looking for a spot so he can run in and use the bathroom. After a good fifteen minutes of searching, he's frustrated and desperate, and decides to seek help from a higher power.

"Dear Lord," he says, "If you help me find a parking spot, I...

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